My father makes me suffer a lot, Should I keep seeing him?

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 3

(Half bell)

(Bell)

Dear Thay, dear Sangha,

I suffer a lot from my father...

He is...

It is difficult for me...

to see him...and...

it has almost become dangerous.

I don't want to see him anymore

and I have given him
several chances to change

I have been forcing myself to go

now I can't.

And my question is:

Do I still have to try and change him,

and try to go to him

even though it is
making me very tired?

Dear Thay, our friend said that

he has a lot of difficulties
with his father.

It has been very difficult
for him to see his father

and he feels that it has
even become dangerous

and he has tried to
force himself to go

to give his father many
chances to change,

to transform,

but he feels that it
has not been successful.

He feels that he cannot
force himself to go anymore,

but he is asking Thay if
he should to continue to try

to bring his father
to transform, to change,

to push himself to try
to help his father to change

In order to find the right answer,

we have to look first,

look more deeply,

to see the relationship between
us and the other person,

whether you are son and father,

or whether you are daughter and mother,

or you are partner and partner.

And if you have difficulty
with the other person,

and if you want to
change him or her,

the first thing we should do is
to look deeply into ourselves

and into that person

to realise....

to see the relationship, the connection.

Usually, we think that...

the other person is outside of us.

And that is not right view.

In this case,

we think that the father is outside of us

and we need only to change
the outside and not the inside.

We need to see that
our father is in us.

Our father is present
in every cell of our body.

We have our father in us.

We are the continuation
of our father.

And it may be easier for us to change
our father inside of us first.

And we can do that 24 hours a day.

We don't need to go and see him,

talk to him in order to change him.

The way we breathe,
the way we walk,

can change him in ourselves.

Invite him to walk with us,

to sit with us,

to smile with us.

And then the father
inside of us will change.

Otherwise, you will grow up
and behave exactly like him now.

There are many children
who hate their father,

who promise that when they grow up,

they will not act and
say things like their father.

But when they grow up,

they will act exactly like their father.

And they will say things
exactly like their father.

That has happened many times, always.

So you hate it,

you don't want to do it,

you don't want to say it,

and yet you will do exactly like that,

and you will speak exactly like that.

And that is what we call in Buddhism,
"Samsara", going around.

You continue your father,

not only with your body,

but also with your way of life.

So that is why when you
encounter the Buddhadharma,

you have a chance.

You have to change
your father in you first.

And when you have been able

to change the father inside of you,

he will not go to Samsara again.

You will not transmit
that kind of habit to your children.

So you end the round of
Samsara, going around...

recycle...

recycling...

And when the father inside
has been transformed,

the transformation of the father
outside will be much easier.

That is my experience.

I have fellow monks who are difficult.

(Laughs)

They are dignitaries in the church,
in the Buddhist church.

They are very conservative....

....conservative...

They didn't allow transformation
to take place in the...

in the community.

You know that in order
to serve society,

you have to renew your community.

Whether your community is Christianity

or Buddhism or Islam or Judaism, right?

And many of us are eager
to renew our tradition,

to serve our society
and human beings better, right?

But there are so many
conservative elements in the church.

So that is true in my case also.

But I noticed this very early.
I said:

We have...

They are in us.

We have to change ourselves first.

So if you are a partner,

and your partner does not change.

Don't think that your partner
is just outside of you.

Your partner is inside of you.

Even if you have divorced him or her.

Yesterday I received a question:

"Can we reconcile, can we begin anew
with the one whom we have divorced?"

And this is exactly
the question we have to answer

Because even...

In the beginning you believe
that after the divorce,

then you can be yourself entirely,

and you can take him
out of you completely.

That is wrong.

(Laughs)

You can never remove himself from you.

You can never remove
herself from you.

No way!

So before you attempt to do something
with the other person outside,

try to help him transform inside.

try to help her transform inside.

And...

with this practice,

we can succeed in transforming ourselves

and become a model.

We become fresh.

Our way is exactly
the way we want him to be

So by speaking,
by acting, by living,

you begin to change him.

You don't change him by talking

maybe talking cannot change him.

But your way of reacting,
your way of acting, reacting,

your way of responding,

will help change that person.

Because he has also his intelligence,

and he can notice that.

And...

You know that...

to succeed in the work
of changing oneself,

and changing the other person,

you also need a Sangha,
you also need friends to support you.

That is why we have to
take refuge in the Sangha.

We have to know how to make good use
of the collective energy of the Sangha

to support our transformation and healing

and to help us transform the other person.

Don't be too eager to
transform him right away.

We have to accept him as he is first.

We have to accept her as she is first.

And after acceptance,
you feel much better already.

And you begin to change him inside of you.

This is a very deep practice.

And since our friend has been
coming to Plum Village every year

and practiced with us
since he was a small child,

I believe he can do it.

And we try to support him to do it.

Never lose our hope.

And...

the way not to lose our hope,

is to make progress everyday,
by the practice, daily practice.

Thank you for asking the question.

It is very good.

(Half bell)

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