WEBVTT

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(Half bell)

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(Bell)

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Dear Thay, dear Sangha,

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I suffer a lot from my father...

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He is...

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It is difficult for me...

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to see him...and...

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it has almost become dangerous.

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I don't want to see him anymore

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and I have given him
several chances to change

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I have been forcing myself to go

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now I can't.

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And my question is:

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Do I still have to try and change him,

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and try to go to him

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even though it is
making me very tired?

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Dear Thay, our friend said that

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he has a lot of difficulties
with his father.

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It has been very difficult
for him to see his father

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and he feels that it has
even become dangerous

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and he has tried to
force himself to go

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to give his father many
chances to change,

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to transform,

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but he feels that it
has not been successful.

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He feels that he cannot
force himself to go anymore,

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but he is asking Thay if
he should to continue to try

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to bring his father
to transform, to change,

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to push himself to try
to help his father to change

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In order to find the right answer,

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we have to look first,

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look more deeply,

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to see the relationship between
us and the other person,

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whether you are son and father,

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or whether you are daughter and mother,

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or you are partner and partner.

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And if you have difficulty
with the other person,

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and if you want to
change him or her,

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the first thing we should do is
to look deeply into ourselves

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and into that person

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to realise....

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to see the relationship, the connection.

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Usually, we think that...

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the other person is outside of us.

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And that is not right view.

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In this case,

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we think that the father is outside of us

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and we need only to change
the outside and not the inside.

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We need to see that
our father is in us.

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Our father is present
in every cell of our body.

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We have our father in us.

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We are the continuation
of our father.

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And it may be easier for us to change
our father inside of us first.

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And we can do that 24 hours a day.

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We don't need to go and see him,

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talk to him in order to change him.

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The way we breathe,
the way we walk,

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can change him in ourselves.

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Invite him to walk with us,

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to sit with us,

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to smile with us.

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And then the father
inside of us will change.

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Otherwise, you will grow up
and behave exactly like him now.

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There are many children
who hate their father,

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who promise that when they grow up,

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they will not act and
say things like their father.

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But when they grow up,

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they will act exactly like their father.

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And they will say things
exactly like their father.

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That has happened many times, always.

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So you hate it,

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you don't want to do it,

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you don't want to say it,

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and yet you will do exactly like that,

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and you will speak exactly like that.

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And that is what we call in Buddhism,
"Samsara", going around.

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You continue your father,

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not only with your body,

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but also with your way of life.

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So that is why when you
encounter the Buddhadharma,

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you have a chance.

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You have to change
your father in you first.

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And when you have been able

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to change the father inside of you,

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he will not go to Samsara again.

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You will not transmit
that kind of habit to your children.

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So you end the round of
Samsara, going around...

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recycle...

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recycling...

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And when the father inside
has been transformed,

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the transformation of the father
outside will be much easier.

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That is my experience.

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I have fellow monks who are difficult.

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(Laughs)

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They are dignitaries in the church,
in the Buddhist church.

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They are very conservative....

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....conservative...

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They didn't allow transformation
to take place in the...

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in the community.

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You know that in order
to serve society,

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you have to renew your community.

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Whether your community is Christianity

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or Buddhism or Islam or Judaism, right?

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And many of us are eager
to renew our tradition,

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to serve our society
and human beings better, right?

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But there are so many
conservative elements in the church.

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So that is true in my case also.

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But I noticed this very early.
I said:

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We have...

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They are in us.

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We have to change ourselves first.

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So if you are a partner,

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and your partner does not change.

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Don't think that your partner
is just outside of you.

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Your partner is inside of you.

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Even if you have divorced him or her.

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Yesterday I received a question:

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"Can we reconcile, can we begin anew
with the one whom we have divorced?"

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And this is exactly
the question we have to answer

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Because even...

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In the beginning you believe
that after the divorce,

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then you can be yourself entirely,

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and you can take him
out of you completely.

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That is wrong.

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(Laughs)

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You can never remove himself from you.

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You can never remove
herself from you.

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No way!

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So before you attempt to do something
with the other person outside,

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try to help him transform inside.

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try to help her transform inside.

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And...

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with this practice,

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we can succeed in transforming ourselves

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and become a model.

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We become fresh.

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Our way is exactly
the way we want him to be

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So by speaking,
by acting, by living,

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you begin to change him.

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You don't change him by talking

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maybe talking cannot change him.

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But your way of reacting,
your way of acting, reacting,

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your way of responding,

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will help change that person.

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Because he has also his intelligence,

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and he can notice that.

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And...

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You know that...

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to succeed in the work
of changing oneself,

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and changing the other person,

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you also need a Sangha,
you also need friends to support you.

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That is why we have to
take refuge in the Sangha.

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We have to know how to make good use
of the collective energy of the Sangha

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to support our transformation and healing

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and to help us transform the other person.

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Don't be too eager to
transform him right away.

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We have to accept him as he is first.

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We have to accept her as she is first.

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And after acceptance,
you feel much better already.

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And you begin to change him inside of you.

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This is a very deep practice.

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And since our friend has been
coming to Plum Village every year

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and practiced with us
since he was a small child,

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I believe he can do it.

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And we try to support him to do it.

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Never lose our hope.

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And...

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the way not to lose our hope,

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is to make progress everyday,
by the practice, daily practice.

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Thank you for asking the question.

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It is very good.

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(Half bell)

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(Bell)