How to stop looking for other people's approval?

Session of Q&A with Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, Thay, monastery of Deer Park, California, October 2013.

(Half bell)

(Bell)

Dear Thay, my question is...

Since I was younger growing up

I felt I was always
being compared

to someone who was better than myself.

I have experienced that

since I was little up until now.

It causes me to seek affirmation
for my own decisions

in someone else's opinion,

whether what I did
is a good decision or a bad decision.

And I feel when someone speaks
good of me or compliments me

I feel very happy about it.

But if someone speaks negatively of me

I feel like I am not good enough

and it makes me feel
like I am always second,

always a shadow of something
I cannot attain.

I feel sometimes I lose ground
of my own self.

My question is
how do I become more stable

so I don't need
to seek affirmations outside of myself.

(Sister) Dear Thay, dear Sangha,

our friend's question

is about how to be solid in herself.

When she makes decisions,

she may look for compliments
or approval from others

for decisions or actions
that she has taken.

When she is praised,

then she feels good about herself.

But if there is some criticism,

she feels like she is not good enough,

that she is second best, and falls short,

that she is a shadow
of what she could be.

So her question is

how she can be more solid
in those situations,

and practice with that.

The practice of mindfulness
can help you

to have faith in yourself.

If you look deeply at things,

we have our own way of understanding.

In our daily life that kind of insight

that we get
concerning people and things,

is confirmed by your life,

by your daily experiences,

and you believe in your insight.

If you really believe in your insight,

then you have confidence in yourself.

If you practice
mindful breathing well enough,

and you find it helpful,

you get the joy,
the happiness, the peace

while practicing

and then you believe
in the effectiveness of the practice.

Then even if one thousand people
would say that is useless,

that it does not make sense
to practice mindful breathing,

you would still smile.

Because you know
by your own experience

that mindful breathing helps you

to be fresh, to be peaceful, to be happy.

So the opinions of other people

cannot make you abandon your conviction,

your belief.

You know that the notion of beauty

differs with every person.

Something can be
very beautiful to someone

but not beautiful to other people.

The notions of beauty, or ugliness,

they are notions,

and you are not affected
by their opinions.

You are a flower
in the garden of humanity.

You are not something less
than a flower in the garden of humanity.

You belong to the kingdom of God,

like any other wonder of life.

If you have that insight,

if you know that you have
the seed of compassion,

of joy, of happiness in you,

then you know that you have a value.

If you believe in the existence
of these qualities,

transmitted by your parents and ancestors,

and you are a continuation of them,

then the opinions people have on you
will have no effect.

You still continue.

During the war in Vietnam

I worked for peace.

My community did not
take sides in the war,

we wanted reconciliation.

We did not want the North and the South

fighting and killing each other.

And we believed that
to be the truth,

the best, most beautiful path to go:

the path of compassion.

People in the warring parties
looked upon us with suspicion.

They thought that we were stupid.

If you take side with one warring party,

you are at least protected
by that warring party.

If you don't take the side
of any warring party,

then you are exposed
to be attacked by both warring parties.

But if you believe

that your path
is the path of compassion,

the path of humanity, you continue.

Millions of people believed
that we were Communists.

They were afraid of communism,
they wanted to kill communists.

We put ourselves in danger.

And other people thought
that we were pro-American.

Many millions of people misunderstood us

and yet we still continued with our path,

because we had belief in our values.

I think if you continue
to practice like that

you will be solid as a mountain.

You will not be assaulted
by any kind of opinions.

Good luck!

(Laughter)

(Half bell)

(Bell)