The psychology of seduction | Raj Persaud | TEDxUniversityofBristol

Psychiatrist Dr Raj Persaud argues much human distress arises out of relationships. But we can all become more skilled in our relationships, be they in the domains of friendship, romance, work or career. Deploying the psychological principles behind seduction, the author of a new book on dysfunctional love - 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head' - explains how improving how seductive you are, will also lead to benefits across many other aspects of your life, beyond just romance.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

What's the one decision
that you are going to make in your life

that's going to determine your future
mental health, happiness and well-being

more than any other decision
you're going to make?

Well, that decision is
who you choose to marry.

Or put another way, who you choose

to enter into a long-term,
committed, monogamous relationship.

If you get that decision wrong,
and you end up with the wrong person,

then that's going to cause you
more unhappiness and distress

than any other decision in your life.

In fact, it's going to be so bad

that you might as well get a season ticket
to my psychiatric clinic.

(Laughter)

Now, the survey data suggests

that around the world
99% of the population

desire a single committed,
monogamous, long-term relationship.

It's something that everyone wants,

so how to get that decision right
is extremely important.

There are many different aspects
of that decision we could discuss,

we could talk, for example,

about how to know
when you've met the right person.

But because it's a big
and complicated subject,

I'm going to focus just
on one aspect in the short time

I've got to talk to you today.

And that aspect is going to be:
how to seduce.

Or to put it in more common
British parlance: how to pull.

(Laughter)

I became interested in the subject
as a psychiatrist,

when I had a moment
of epiphany in a clinic.

I was working in the outpatient department
at my psychiatric hospital,

I was consulting with a young lady
who was pretty depressed,

and all of a sudden, she announced
in the middle of the consultation:

'Dr Persaud, I don't need Prozac,
I need a boyfriend.'

It was at that moment that I realized
that more success in relationships

would go a long way
to improving people's happiness.

That if we could help people
improve their relationships

and how they conduct relationships,

it would go a long way
to improving their mental health.

Hence, I got interested
in the science of seduction.

Now it's very important you understand

that my interest
in the science of seduction

is purely academic, clinical, scientific.

I have no personal interest
in this subject.

Indeed, before I came this evening
to give you this talk,

my wife said it's very important
that you make sure

that they don't think
you're some kind of academic geek

who started reading
about the science of seduction

because you found the whole
relationship thing kind of puzzling.

When the publishers
rang me up for the first time

to ask me to write
my first book on seduction,

I rang my wife, I was very excited.

I said, 'Darling, the publishers
have just rung me up,

and they have commissioned me

to write the very next book
they want to publish on how to seduce.'

There was a distinct silence
down the line, and then my wife said,

'Yes, but why you?'

(Laughter)

Which I thought was somewhat harsh.

The other reason why I think
seduction is very important

is that it actually goes to the heart
of a huge amount of human happiness.

You see, people come to me at my clinic,

and they tell me all about the things
they want from life and the world

that they are not getting.

And they are very frustrated.

They may want a date,
they may want a Ferrari in their garage,

or they may want a million pounds
in their bank account.

They always tell me what they want
and what they're not getting.

What they don't tell me

is what they need to give
in order to get what they want.

You see, at the heart of life
is a transaction.

You can get what you want
from the world and life,

but you have to be able to give something

that the world wants
and you need to give it first.

I'm going to let you into a little secret

that all of the most highly effective
people on the planet

already intuitively know, and that is,

life is a seduction.

We need to seduce the world
and the people in it

and seduce life into giving us
the things that we want.

And in order to seduce successfully,

we need to make the world the right offer.

You see, in a general sense,

we need to be constantly seducing
our friends, our lovers as well,

but our work colleagues, in a strictly
perhaps not erotic sense of the word,

but we need to be seducing them
into giving us the things that we want.

Now, I know already many of you
are going to be a bit disappointed,

you were sitting there hoping
I was going to give you some hot tips

on how to seduce

in terms of more narrow erotic
sense of the word 'seduction'.

Well, the good news is,

yes, some of the tips
I'm about to give you will be helpful

if you came here focused

on the more narrow erotic sense
of the word seduction.

The bad news is,
if you have been sitting here

really locked in and focused in
on getting some hot tips

on how to seduce in the more
narrow erotic sense of the word,

well, that says so much about you.

(Laughter)

So the other thing I want to say
before I finally reveal these tips

is what I like about them
is how democratic they are.

What they kind of say is that anyone
can become more seductive.

It doesn't really matter how hot you look
or how cool you are.

I find that most people
seem to have rather low self-esteem

when it comes to seduction.

They kind of think,
I can't be really seductive.

What's really amazing about the social
psychology of seduction is

what it says is,
anyone can become more seductive,

and indeed, some of these tips
are so powerful

you can leap ahead of even
the hottest person that you know

or the coolest member
of your social group

and become more seductive than them.

So, the first tip comes from a really
interesting social psychology experiment.

In the social psychology experiment,
the social psychologist,

an academic working
in the university department,

recruits some students
to be confederates of the experimenter.

He sends the students out on a date,

they invite people to come
on a date with a student.

The person invited to come on the date
thinks it's just a date,

but actually, there's a social
psychology experiment going on.

The social psychologist
instructs the student,

who is the confederate
of the experimenter,

to, throughout the date,

agree with everything
the other person is saying.

Then at the end of date,

it's revealed that there was
a social psychology experiment going on,

and a rating is secured

for how attractive
the student confederate was found,

given how they behaved during the date.

In the first condition of the experiment,
the student confederate goes out

and just agrees with everything
the other person says on the date,

and an attraction rating
is secured in the end,

and people are found
moderately attractive in that condition.

In the second condition of the experiment,

the student confederate
is sent out on the date

and is instructed to disagree
with everything the other person says.

So it goes a bit like this:
'I really like this restaurant.

So lovely, what do you think?'
'No, I don't like it.'

(Laughter)

'This fish was rather nice,
don't you think?'

'No, I don't like it.'

It comes as no surprise
if you spend the whole date doing that,

disagreeing with everything
the other person says,

you're not really found
very attractive at all.

So far, so obvious.

Now, the third condition of the experiment
is where things get really interesting.

In the third experiment,
the student confederate is sent out

with the instruction to spend
the first half of the date

disagreeing with everything
the other person says,

and then to switch and start agreeing
for the second half of the date.

And amazingly enough,

you're found most attractive of all
in this condition.

Now why is that?

There's rather some complex
psychological theories going on

as to what's going on,
so I'm going to cut to the chase

and give you what I think is
the most profound and important theory.

You see the other person on the date

didn't realize there was a Machiavellian
manipulative plot of thought,

whereby you were watching
for the clock to hit a certain time,

and then you're going to switch.

What their experience of you was

that you were rather difficult
in the first half of the date,

and then you warmed up to them.

And they think they had an impact on you.

They think they warmed you up.

And there is something
about having an impact

which is very seductive.

There are many objections
to this experiment.

People always say,

'I can see that's seductive,
but you're playing a game.

Why can't we just be ourselves?'

Well, you can just
be yourself if you want,

but be aware of something,

which is that there are
many people out there

that are playing the game of life,

and they are playing it rather hard.

And as a result,
they are terrifically successful.

They are really good in job interviews,

and they're very good
as politicians at getting elected.

So if you are not going to play
the game of life, that's fine,

but be aware that you
might run into trouble

if everyone else
is playing the game of life.

The other important idea here is

that we can divide relationships
into three key phases:

attention, interest, and maintenance.

You walk into a bar,
you see a very attractive person, 'Wow!'

They've got your attention.

Hopefully, you've got their attention.

Then you go over and talk to them,
get to know them,

and you're entering the interest phase.

Then, maybe after a few days or weeks,

you might transition
into the maintenance phase,

which is a long-term commitment.

Now, the key point about this idea

is that different skills are required
depending on which phase you're in.

It's a profoundly important social
psychological model

in terms of getting a handle on
and understanding

business relationships, friendships,
and of course, romantic seductions.

Even if you want to reject the attention,
interest, and maintenance phase,

it is a very powerful model.

We all know people who we think:

'This is a wonderful person,
how come they are single?'

Well, maybe they
are very good at maintenance,

and they are not so good at
attention or interest.

So the model is really helpful
in diagnosing problems

in terms of seduction.

Another point I want to make is,
even if you end up

in a long-term committed relationship
doing maintenance,

if your relationship is going
to be successful and last 40 or 50 years,

I believe you've got to cycle back through
attention, interest, and maintenance.

You're going to be
constantly cycling through

in a long-term relationship,

getting your partner's attention again,

getting them interested again in you.

And that constant cycling means that life
and even long-term committed relationships

are a long-term seduction.

Life is a seduction,

even long-term marriages
are a constant seduction.

And the attention, interest,
and maintenance model

is really helpful in understanding that.

Perhaps the most expert exponent
of attention, interest, and maintenance

was Casanova.

Not least because Casanova
was brilliant at attention and interest,

but really bad at maintenance.

Casanova was a real figure,
he lived in the 18th century Venice,

he was an adventurer and a nobleman,
and is said to be, perhaps,

the most successful seducer
of women in history.

And he's got the final tip
I want to give you

at the heart of the secret of seduction.

You see, many people think

that Casanova would walk into a bar
in the 18th century Venice,

see an attractive member
of the opposite sex, and pull like that.

But actually, that's not true.

He would walk into a bar
and see an attractive woman,

but then spend many months courting her,

as was the courtly custom of the day,
before being finally successful.

And there is, by the way,
an important lesson for us all.

If you go into a bar tonight,
and pull like that,

I'm afraid to tell you
that's not really a seduction.

A seduction is when you meet someone

who is disinterested in you,
or only moderately interested,

and you convert
that interest into rabid desire.

That's a seduction.

And the problem with the modern world,
and websites, Tinder and Apps

is that it's kind of doing away
with the whole seduction idea,

and we are losing the skill of seduction
with very ominous social implications,

in my opinion.

The story is that Casanova
walks into a bar one night,

sees a gorgeous woman, she's an actress,
physically very desirable,

falls immediately
in love with her, desires her.

The actress, besides being
physically stunning,

has an interesting characteristic.

You see, she has
a speech impediment, a lisp.

She can't say words properly
that have the letter R in them.

Many of you will know
a famous TV presenter here in Britain

called Jonathan Ross,
whose nickname is Wossy,

who has a very similar speech impediment.

He can't say words properly
that have the letter R.

She has this speech impediment.

Without really interacting
with the actress,

Casanova turns on his heels,

goes home and does a mysterious thing.

He spends the next
three days and nights writing a play.

And this play has a very special feature.

It has no words in it with the letter R.

Three days and nights later,
he returns to the bar,

presents the play to the actress,

and the seduction is successful.

But here is my pop quiz
psychology question for you,

you see, what Casanova could've done,

he could have said

'I can't help noticing you've got
a bit of a speech impediment there.

Tell you what,

I'll pay for elocution lessons,
I'll buy you speech therapy.'

No one can deny that speech therapy

is more pragmatically helpful
to the poor actress

than a play that has no words in it
with the letter R.

However, it's the play
that's the seductive move.

It's the play that's sexy. Why is that?

Well, let's look at between the lines.

What you are really saying
when you offer someone speech therapy is,

what you are saying is,

'There is something wrong
with you, it needs fixing.

After it's fixed, then I'll have
a relationship with you.'

That's not a very sexy message.

But, guess what?

It's kind of what we're saying
to a lot of people, a lot of the time.

What does the play with no words
with the letter R say?

What it says is, 'Don't change a thing!
You're perfect as you are.

And my job is to help the world recognise
the perfection that I see.'

That's a sexy message!

The other thing the play does is this.

It's terrifically specific,

the actress knows that Casanova
is interested specifically in her.

A lot of young men going on a date,
nip into the petrol station

because they've left at the last minute,

buy some petrol station flowers,

present the petrol station flowers
to their date with a grand gesture,

and are somewhat perplexed
that the date is less than overwhelmed

with the presentation
of petrol station flowers.

You see, you can't go to a petrol station
and buy a play off the self

that has no words in it with the letter R.

The actress knows that Casanova
was interested in her and no one else.

It's specific.

But here is the final point
and the most profound message

in terms of the psychology of seduction.

What Casanova has done brilliantly

is, and here is the key catchphrase
you need to remember:

he's filled the unmet need.

The actress has an unmet need for parts
that have no words with the letter R,

and Casanova diagnoses the unmet need,

and meets it more completely
than it's ever been met before.

If you find someone's unmet need

and fill it in a way
it's never been filled before,

you will be successful in seducing them.

So your mission is a two-pronged attack.

You've got to find out the unmet need,

and then you have to fill it
in a way that's never been filled before.

I can sense immediately
that you have a lot of questions.

'How do we find out the unmet need?
How do we fill it?'

And I apologize I've I run out of time,

so I won't be able
to answer those questions.

But ... is it possible
that leaving you wanting more

is a kind of seduction?

Thank you very much.

(Applauses) (Cheers)