WEBVTT

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What's the one decision
that you are going to make in your life

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that's going to determine your future
mental health, happiness and well-being

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more than any other decision
you're going to make?

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Well, that decision is
who you choose to marry.

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Or put another way, who you choose

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to enter into a long-term,
committed, monogamous relationship.

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If you get that decision wrong,
and you end up with the wrong person,

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then that's going to cause you
more unhappiness and distress

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than any other decision in your life.

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In fact, it's going to be so bad

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that you might as well get a season ticket
to my psychiatric clinic.

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(Laughter)

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Now, the survey data suggests

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that around the world
99% of the population

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desire a single committed,
monogamous, long-term relationship.

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It's something that everyone wants,

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so how to get that decision right
is extremely important.

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There are many different aspects
of that decision we could discuss,

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we could talk, for example,

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about how to know
when you've met the right person.

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But because it's a big
and complicated subject,

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I'm going to focus just
on one aspect in the short time

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I've got to talk to you today.

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And that aspect is going to be:
how to seduce.

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Or to put it in more common
British parlance: how to pull.

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(Laughter)

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I became interested in the subject
as a psychiatrist,

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when I had a moment
of epiphany in a clinic.

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I was working in the outpatient department
at my psychiatric hospital,

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I was consulting with a young lady
who was pretty depressed,

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and all of a sudden, she announced
in the middle of the consultation:

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'Dr Persaud, I don't need Prozac,
I need a boyfriend.'

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It was at that moment that I realized
that more success in relationships

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would go a long way
to improving people's happiness.

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That if we could help people
improve their relationships

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and how they conduct relationships,

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it would go a long way
to improving their mental health.

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Hence, I got interested
in the science of seduction.

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Now it's very important you understand

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that my interest
in the science of seduction

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is purely academic, clinical, scientific.

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I have no personal interest
in this subject.

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Indeed, before I came this evening
to give you this talk,

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my wife said it's very important
that you make sure

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that they don't think
you're some kind of academic geek

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who started reading
about the science of seduction

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because you found the whole
relationship thing kind of puzzling.

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When the publishers
rang me up for the first time

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to ask me to write
my first book on seduction,

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I rang my wife, I was very excited.

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I said, 'Darling, the publishers
have just rung me up,

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and they have commissioned me

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to write the very next book
they want to publish on how to seduce.'

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There was a distinct silence
down the line, and then my wife said,

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'Yes, but why you?'

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(Laughter)

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Which I thought was somewhat harsh.

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The other reason why I think
seduction is very important

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is that it actually goes to the heart
of a huge amount of human happiness.

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You see, people come to me at my clinic,

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and they tell me all about the things
they want from life and the world

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that they are not getting.

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And they are very frustrated.

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They may want a date,
they may want a Ferrari in their garage,

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or they may want a million pounds
in their bank account.

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They always tell me what they want
and what they're not getting.

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What they don't tell me

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is what they need to give
in order to get what they want.

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You see, at the heart of life
is a transaction.

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You can get what you want
from the world and life,

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but you have to be able to give something

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that the world wants
and you need to give it first.

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I'm going to let you into a little secret

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that all of the most highly effective
people on the planet

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already intuitively know, and that is,

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life is a seduction.

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We need to seduce the world
and the people in it

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and seduce life into giving us
the things that we want.

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And in order to seduce successfully,

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we need to make the world the right offer.

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You see, in a general sense,


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we need to be constantly seducing
our friends, our lovers as well,

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but our work colleagues, in a strictly
perhaps not erotic sense of the word,

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but we need to be seducing them
into giving us the things that we want.

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Now, I know already many of you
are going to be a bit disappointed,

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you were sitting there hoping
I was going to give you some hot tips

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on how to seduce

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in terms of more narrow erotic
sense of the word 'seduction'.

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Well, the good news is,

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yes, some of the tips
I'm about to give you will be helpful

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if you came here focused

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on the more narrow erotic sense
of the word seduction.

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The bad news is,
if you have been sitting here

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really locked in and focused in
on getting some hot tips

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on how to seduce in the more
narrow erotic sense of the word,

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well, that says so much about you.

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(Laughter)

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So the other thing I want to say
before I finally reveal these tips

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is what I like about them
is how democratic they are.

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What they kind of say is that anyone
can become more seductive.

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It doesn't really matter how hot you look
or how cool you are.

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I find that most people
seem to have rather low self-esteem

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when it comes to seduction.

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They kind of think,
I can't be really seductive.

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What's really amazing about the social
psychology of seduction is

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what it says is,
anyone can become more seductive,

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and indeed, some of these tips
are so powerful

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you can leap ahead of even
the hottest person that you know

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or the coolest member
of your social group

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and become more seductive than them.

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So, the first tip comes from a really
interesting social psychology experiment.

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In the social psychology experiment,
the social psychologist,

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an academic working
in the university department,

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recruits some students
to be confederates of the experimenter.

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He sends the students out on a date,

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they invite people to come
on a date with a student.

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The person invited to come on the date
thinks it's just a date,

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but actually, there's a social
psychology experiment going on.

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The social psychologist
instructs the student,

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who is the confederate
of the experimenter,


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to, throughout the date,

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agree with everything
the other person is saying.

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Then at the end of date,

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it's revealed that there was
a social psychology experiment going on,

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and a rating is secured

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for how attractive
the student confederate was found,

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given how they behaved during the date.

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In the first condition of the experiment,
the student confederate goes out

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and just agrees with everything
the other person says on the date,

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and an attraction rating
is secured in the end,

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and people are found
moderately attractive in that condition.

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In the second condition of the experiment,

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the student confederate
is sent out on the date

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and is instructed to disagree
with everything the other person says.

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So it goes a bit like this:
'I really like this restaurant.

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So lovely, what do you think?'
'No, I don't like it.'

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(Laughter)

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'This fish was rather nice,
don't you think?'

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'No, I don't like it.'

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It comes as no surprise
if you spend the whole date doing that,

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disagreeing with everything
the other person says,

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you're not really found
very attractive at all.

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So far, so obvious.

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Now, the third condition of the experiment
is where things get really interesting.

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In the third experiment,
the student confederate is sent out

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with the instruction to spend
the first half of the date

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disagreeing with everything
the other person says,

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and then to switch and start agreeing
for the second half of the date.

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And amazingly enough,

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you're found most attractive of all
in this condition.

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Now why is that?

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There's rather some complex
psychological theories going on

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as to what's going on,
so I'm going to cut to the chase

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and give you what I think is
the most profound and important theory.

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You see the other person on the date

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didn't realize there was a Machiavellian
manipulative plot of thought,

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whereby you were watching
for the clock to hit a certain time,

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and then you're going to switch.

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What their experience of you was

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that you were rather difficult
in the first half of the date,

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and then you warmed up to them.

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And they think they had an impact on you.

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They think they warmed you up.

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And there is something
about having an impact

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which is very seductive.

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There are many objections
to this experiment.

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People always say,

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'I can see that's seductive,
but you're playing a game.

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Why can't we just be ourselves?'

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Well, you can just
be yourself if you want,

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but be aware of something,

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which is that there are
many people out there

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that are playing the game of life,

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and they are playing it rather hard.

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And as a result,
they are terrifically successful.

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They are really good in job interviews,

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and they're very good
as politicians at getting elected.

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So if you are not going to play
the game of life, that's fine,

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but be aware that you
might run into trouble

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if everyone else
is playing the game of life.

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The other important idea here is

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that we can divide relationships
into three key phases:

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attention, interest, and maintenance.

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You walk into a bar,
you see a very attractive person, 'Wow!'

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They've got your attention.

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Hopefully, you've got their attention.

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Then you go over and talk to them,
get to know them,

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and you're entering the interest phase.

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Then, maybe after a few days or weeks,

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you might transition
into the maintenance phase,

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which is a long-term commitment.

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Now, the key point about this idea

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is that different skills are required
depending on which phase you're in.

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It's a profoundly important social
psychological model

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in terms of getting a handle on
and understanding

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business relationships, friendships,
and of course, romantic seductions.

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Even if you want to reject the attention,
interest, and maintenance phase,

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it is a very powerful model.

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We all know people who we think:

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'This is a wonderful person,
how come they are single?'

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Well, maybe they
are very good at maintenance,

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and they are not so good at
attention or interest.

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So the model is really helpful
in diagnosing problems

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in terms of seduction.

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Another point I want to make is,
even if you end up

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in a long-term committed relationship
doing maintenance,

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if your relationship is going
to be successful and last 40 or 50 years,

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I believe you've got to cycle back through
attention, interest, and maintenance.

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You're going to be
constantly cycling through

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in a long-term relationship,

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getting your partner's attention again,

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getting them interested again in you.

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And that constant cycling means that life
and even long-term committed relationships

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are a long-term seduction.

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Life is a seduction,

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even long-term marriages
are a constant seduction.

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And the attention, interest,
and maintenance model

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is really helpful in understanding that.

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Perhaps the most expert exponent
of attention, interest, and maintenance

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was Casanova.

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Not least because Casanova
was brilliant at attention and interest,

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but really bad at maintenance.

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Casanova was a real figure,
he lived in the 18th century Venice,

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he was an adventurer and a nobleman,
and is said to be, perhaps,

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the most successful seducer
of women in history.

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And he's got the final tip
I want to give you

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at the heart of the secret of seduction.

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You see, many people think


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that Casanova would walk into a bar
in the 18th century Venice,

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see an attractive member
of the opposite sex, and pull like that.

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But actually, that's not true.

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He would walk into a bar
and see an attractive woman,

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but then spend many months courting her,

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as was the courtly custom of the day,
before being finally successful.

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And there is, by the way,
an important lesson for us all.

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If you go into a bar tonight,
and pull like that,

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I'm afraid to tell you
that's not really a seduction.

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A seduction is when you meet someone


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who is disinterested in you,
or only moderately interested,

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and you convert
that interest into rabid desire.

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That's a seduction.

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And the problem with the modern world,
and websites, Tinder and Apps

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is that it's kind of doing away
with the whole seduction idea,

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and we are losing the skill of seduction
with very ominous social implications,

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in my opinion.

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The story is that Casanova
walks into a bar one night,

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sees a gorgeous woman, she's an actress,
physically very desirable,

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falls immediately
in love with her, desires her.

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The actress, besides being
physically stunning,

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has an interesting characteristic.

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You see, she has
a speech impediment, a lisp.

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She can't say words properly
that have the letter R in them.

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Many of you will know
a famous TV presenter here in Britain

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called Jonathan Ross,
whose nickname is Wossy,

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who has a very similar speech impediment.

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He can't say words properly
that have the letter R.

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She has this speech impediment.

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Without really interacting
with the actress,

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Casanova turns on his heels,

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goes home and does a mysterious thing.

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He spends the next
three days and nights writing a play.

00:13:01.888 --> 00:13:05.383
And this play has a very special feature.

00:13:05.383 --> 00:13:08.243
It has no words in it with the letter R.

00:13:08.669 --> 00:13:11.379
Three days and nights later,
he returns to the bar,

00:13:11.379 --> 00:13:13.388
presents the play to the actress,

00:13:13.388 --> 00:13:15.793
and the seduction is successful.

00:13:15.793 --> 00:13:18.831
But here is my pop quiz
psychology question for you,

00:13:18.831 --> 00:13:21.633
you see, what Casanova could've done,

00:13:21.633 --> 00:13:23.117
he could have said

00:13:23.117 --> 00:13:26.377
'I can't help noticing you've got
a bit of a speech impediment there.


00:13:26.377 --> 00:13:27.637
Tell you what,


00:13:27.637 --> 00:13:31.518
I'll pay for elocution lessons,
I'll buy you speech therapy.'

00:13:32.028 --> 00:13:33.858
No one can deny that speech therapy

00:13:33.858 --> 00:13:36.608
is more pragmatically helpful
to the poor actress

00:13:36.608 --> 00:13:40.358
than a play that has no words in it
with the letter R.

00:13:40.358 --> 00:13:43.962
However, it's the play
that's the seductive move.

00:13:43.962 --> 00:13:47.493
It's the play that's sexy. Why is that?

00:13:47.493 --> 00:13:49.339
Well, let's look at between the lines.

00:13:49.339 --> 00:13:52.708
What you are really saying
when you offer someone speech therapy is,

00:13:52.708 --> 00:13:54.088
what you are saying is,

00:13:54.088 --> 00:13:57.453
'There is something wrong
with you, it needs fixing.

00:13:57.453 --> 00:14:00.993
After it's fixed, then I'll have
a relationship with you.'

00:14:00.993 --> 00:14:02.957
That's not a very sexy message.

00:14:03.829 --> 00:14:05.019
But, guess what?

00:14:05.019 --> 00:14:08.299
It's kind of what we're saying
to a lot of people, a lot of the time.

00:14:08.299 --> 00:14:11.381
What does the play with no words
with the letter R say?

00:14:11.381 --> 00:14:16.240
What it says is, 'Don't change a thing! 
You're perfect as you are.

00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:22.371
And my job is to help the world recognise
the perfection that I see.'

00:14:22.371 --> 00:14:24.301
That's a sexy message!

00:14:24.751 --> 00:14:26.648
The other thing the play does is this.

00:14:26.648 --> 00:14:28.147
It's terrifically specific,

00:14:28.147 --> 00:14:31.831
the actress knows that Casanova
is interested specifically in her.

00:14:31.831 --> 00:14:35.143
A lot of young men going on a date,
nip into the petrol station

00:14:35.143 --> 00:14:37.153
because they've left at the last minute,

00:14:37.153 --> 00:14:38.700
buy some petrol station flowers,

00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:41.999
present the petrol station flowers
to their date with a grand gesture,

00:14:41.999 --> 00:14:45.359
and are somewhat perplexed
that the date is less than overwhelmed

00:14:45.359 --> 00:14:47.880
with the presentation
of petrol station flowers.

00:14:48.341 --> 00:14:52.350
You see, you can't go to a petrol station
and buy a play off the self

00:14:52.350 --> 00:14:55.420
that has no words in it with the letter R.

00:14:55.420 --> 00:14:59.432
The actress knows that Casanova
was interested in her and no one else.

00:14:59.432 --> 00:15:00.652
It's specific.

00:15:01.133 --> 00:15:04.723
But here is the final point
and the most profound message

00:15:04.723 --> 00:15:07.315
in terms of the psychology of seduction.

00:15:07.315 --> 00:15:09.667
What Casanova has done brilliantly

00:15:09.667 --> 00:15:12.374
is, and here is the key catchphrase
you need to remember:

00:15:12.374 --> 00:15:14.788
he's filled the unmet need.

00:15:14.788 --> 00:15:19.773
The actress has an unmet need for parts
that have no words with the letter R,

00:15:19.773 --> 00:15:22.993
and Casanova diagnoses the unmet need,

00:15:22.993 --> 00:15:26.791
and meets it more completely
than it's ever been met before.

00:15:26.791 --> 00:15:29.959
If you find someone's unmet need

00:15:29.959 --> 00:15:32.832
and fill it in a way
it's never been filled before,

00:15:32.832 --> 00:15:35.965
you will be successful in seducing them.

00:15:35.965 --> 00:15:39.155
So your mission is a two-pronged attack.

00:15:39.155 --> 00:15:41.268
You've got to find out the unmet need,

00:15:41.268 --> 00:15:44.577
and then you have to fill it
in a way that's never been filled before.

00:15:44.577 --> 00:15:47.287
I can sense immediately
that you have a lot of questions.

00:15:47.287 --> 00:15:49.879
'How do we find out the unmet need?
How do we fill it?'

00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:51.754
And I apologize I've I run out of time,

00:15:51.754 --> 00:15:54.524
so I won't be able
to answer those questions.

00:15:54.540 --> 00:15:58.282
But ... is it possible
that leaving you wanting more

00:15:58.282 --> 00:16:00.138
is a kind of seduction?

00:16:00.138 --> 00:16:01.467
Thank you very much.

00:16:01.467 --> 00:16:04.507
(Applauses) (Cheers)