The mask of masculinity: the traditional role of men is evolving | Connor Beaton | TEDxStanleyPark

Through powerful stories from his own life, Connor Beaton illustrates the damaging impact of the "man mask" and how our perception of masculinity is one of the biggest challenges men face today. His solution: a call to men to cast off the broken ideals and discover new ways of living fully and authentically.

Connor Beaton is the founder of ManTalks. He supports men's health and wellness by giving them tools to be better fathers, husbands and leaders in their communities.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

So what is the biggest challenge
that men face today?

Now, some people might think,

"Men have challenges?"

Others might think,
"Men are actually a challenge."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Yeah, there we go.

(Applause) (Laughter)

But really, what are the biggest
challenges that men face today?

Some might say that
it's being able to develop

a deep sense of emotional intelligence,

while others would say
that it's being able to really understand

racial and gender inequality.

Now, while both of those are true,

I see that the biggest challenge
that they face in order to address those

is being able to overcome and move through
some of the negative stereotypes

that surround masculinity.

You see, at a very young age,

most boys and young men are taught
that their highest value as a man

is their ability to dominate,
to control and to succeed at all costs.

You see, I've had a unique experience

and I've been able to see masculinity
in all different forms

and all walks of life,

from the frozen gravel pits
of Northern Alberta

to the opera houses of Europe and China,

all the way back to the corporate
boardrooms of North America.

I've seen the dark, violent
and aggressive side of masculinity,

and I've seen the light,
compassionate, caring side.

I remember growing up in Alberta,

and for those of you
who don't know what that's like,

it's kind of like the Texas of Canada.

(Laughter)

There's a lot of oil,

there's a lot of big trucks,

and there seems to be
a plethora of cowboys.

Now, I grew up going
to a Catholic elementary school,

and every Friday morning,
we had this great tradition

that I absolutely loved.

Every Friday morning,
somebody would come over the intercom

and they would read the Lord's prayer

because it was a Catholic
elementary school,

but then, after that,

somebody would come on,
and they would sing the national anthem.

Now, I loved this!

I loved this because I loved music.

And every week, the teacher would ask,

"Is somebody willing to volunteer
to go and sing the national anthem?"

And every week, I would want
to put my hand up,

but I was too scared.

Finally, after hearing somebody
completely botch it one Friday morning,

I decided, "I can do this, and I can
probably even do it better than them."

So I went home that day, and I practiced.

I practiced and practiced and practiced.

From morning to night,
from bedroom to bathroom,

I practiced singing the national anthem,
and it must have driven my parents crazy!

I actually remember I had
one of those double cassette decks

where you could put a cassette in one side
and a cassette in the other,

and so I could put
Michael Jackson in on one side,

and I would listen to him sing "Bad"
and "Thriller" and "Heal the World,"

and I would practice my (Singing).

And then on the other side -

(Laughter)

I would practice myself
singing the national anthem.

So finally, I got the courage up
to go and do this.

So one Friday morning,
I march myself to school,

I walk straight into the office,
I go right up to the secretary and I say,

"I am here to sing the national anthem."

(Laughter)

And she looks at me clearly confused
about why I'm so excited.

And she just says, "Okay ..."

(Laughter)

So my time comes,

I get up and I sing that national anthem

with all the jazz and pop tones
that I can possibly muster.

(Laughter)

In my mind, it goes amazing.

(Laughter)

I walk out of the office
with my head held high,

with my pride in tow
and a grin from ear to ear.

As I'm going to class, I turn the corner
and I bumped into the grade-six bully.

He's a little bit bigger than me.

He looks at me and he says,

"Was that you that just sang
the national anthem?"

"Yes,"

I say, clearly proud of myself.

And then, bam!

He punches me right in the gut.

And I drop to my knees
because I can't breathe,

and I look up at him and all I can manage
to squeak out is, "Why?"

Because I'm so confused
as to what the heck just happened.

And I'll never forget:
he just looks at me,

and he says, "Don't be such a bitch.

Singing is for girls."

And there it was,

my first real experience

with what one of the biggest challenges
that young boys and young men face today,

being taught that emotional
and creative expression

is not what a real man does.

You see, the rise of the empowered woman
is not a threat to masculinity.

Feminism is not the death of men.

Thank you.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Machoism and our idea

that in order to be a successful man
we need to dominate others,

we need to be a lone wolf,
we need to figure it out by ourselves,

that's what's really crushing men today.

But what is machoism?

Is it really that bad?

I mean, there was a wrestler
named Macho Man.

It can't be that horrible.

Well, let's take a look.

So machoism ...

Machoism is a strong sense
of masculine pride -

okay, not so bad -

with the supreme valuation
of characteristics

culturally associated with the masculine

and the denigration and devaluation

of characteristics culturally
associated with the feminine.

That means that young boys
and young men

that are trying to live
into this very macho stereotype,

this macho, you know, archetype,

put masculine qualities
and masculine traits on a pedestal

and diminish anything
that's associated with the feminine,

things like community.

They end up idolizing and worshiping
and putting on a pedestal

this idea that we need to be a lone wolf
in order to figure everything out,

in order to be "a real man."

I found this photo a few years back,

and it fundamentally shifted
the way that I see men in our society,

successful men.

You see, at the front
of the pack are three wolves,

and these three wolves
are actually the oldest and the sickest.

They're there to kind of set the pace
for the entire pack.

Now, behind them
are the five omega wolves.

These are the tough guys.

Now, these five omega wolves
are there to protect the pack

in case of an ambush,

and every once in a while, you know,
nip the older ones in the butt

to make sure that
they're moving on fast enough.

Now, behind the five omega wolves
is the rest of the pack,

you know, the moms and the baby cubs,

and at the very back,
almost off of the picture entirely,

is the alpha wolf.

Now, you see, in nature,
they have it right,

they know what they're doing.

In nature, the alpha wolf
is an integral part of society,

it's an integral part of the community.

And in nature, the lone wolf
is actually an outcast,

and he is an outcast
because he is too violent

and he is too dangerous for the pack.

But these archetypes,

these sort of characteristics

that a lot of young boys
and a lot of men are trying to live into,

this macho idea and this idea
that we need to be a lone wolf,

is what's really having
a negative impact on most men today.

And this is what's created
what I call the mask of masculinity.

The mask of masculinity
sounds something like this.

Rule number one: real men don't cry.

It's kind of like the first rule
of "Fight Club."

Everybody knows it, nobody talks about it.

Rule number two: real men
don't express emotions openly,

unless it's anger and aggression.

Real men aren't empathetic.

And there's strength in retaliation:

if you get hit or you get hurt,
you damn well better hit back

and you better hurt back twice as hard.

You need to be tough and strong.

You need to avoid anything
that resembles being a woman.

Now, this mask, these
archetypes have an impact.

They have consequences.

The consequences are very real.

The World Health Organization
last year released a study

showing that men are four times
more likely to commit suicide than women.

Four times.

That means that out of the 800,000 people
who took their lives last year,

three quarters of them were men.

That's nearly 600,000 men.

So why is this happening?

Why is this on a borderline epidemic?

Well, researchers in the UK did a study

and found that half, 50 percent
of men over the age of 25

cannot identify what they would consider
to be a best friend or a close friend.

Now, that means that
if they lose their job,

if they're struggling financially,

if they lose a parent,
if they lose a child,

if they're diagnosed with cancer,

if their business is struggling so bad

that they don't know
how they're going to pay themselves

or their employees,

they have no one to go talk to.

Researchers have linked this
to the 60-percent increase -

60-percent increase -

in male suicides
over the last 45 years alone.

That doesn't even take into account
the millions of men who will die in wars,

fathers and sons who'll be
gunned down in the streets

because emotional inaptitudes,

not to mention the millions of women

who'll be abused, who'll be raped,
who'll be mutilated and who'll be killed

because of this misplaced
sense of superiority.

Now, I'm not proud of it, but I lived
into this archetype for a very long time.

I was stuck behind this mask
of what I thought it meant to be a man.

And because of that, I found myself alone,
I found myself isolated, depressed,

and worst of all, I hurt the people
that I loved the most in my life.

Now, along that journey,

because I refused to give in
and I refused to live in this archetype,

I learned how to do this -

(Singing in Italian) Mercy,

respect,

love,

the comfort

of declining years ...

Ah!

These will place

no flowers.

(Applause)

Because I refused
to buy into this stereotype,

I got a degree in music,

I traveled the world singing opera,

I ended up working for the biggest
company in the world,

and ultimately, I started
an organization called Man Talks,

which supports men
in being better fathers,

better husbands and better leaders

through real connections,
real conversations

and a powerful community.

So where do we start?

Because this is a big question,
and it's a real challenge.

I say it starts with you,

it starts with me,

but most importantly,
it starts with our sons.

Now, a few years back
when I was still singing,

I had the opportunity to work with a group
of underprivileged inner-city boys,

and these kids were between the ages
of 10 and 14, maybe 15.

A lot of them came from families,
you know, with single parents,

definitely under the poverty line.

A lot of them came from, you know,
homes where their parents were addicts.

And I was there to work
with them about creativity,

and passion, and expression,

things that I clearly enjoy talking about.

And I started off the day
with singing the exact same lines

that I just sang for you today,

and then, when I was done,

I explained and translated
the first three words -

That was from Macbeth, by the way.
That's Macbeth's aria.

And I said, "pietà," "rispetto, "amore."

"Honor," "respect," and "love,"

three things that every man
and every woman can live by in their life.

Now, as soon as I was finished,
one of the kids spoke up, and he said,

"Love makes you weak. Love is for girls."

And he just crosses his arms
and looks away.

I was a little taken aback.

I was fully and mentally prepared
to get made fun of for singing opera

in front of these kids,

but I wasn't expecting this.

I said, "Why do you say that?"

He didn't respond, he just nodded off
and looked out the window.

I said, "Love is one of the most powerful
virtues and characteristics that we have."

It's one of the most powerful virtues

that we can hope
to experience in our lifetime.

Love is for men, and love is for women.

Love creates an equal playing field
where all of us get to show up.

Now, I didn't press it

because I didn't want to call this kid out
in front of the rest of the class,

and so I let it go.

At the end of the class, he was up and out

before I even had a chance
to say anything.

Thankfully I was back the next morning,
and I was going to address it with him.

That morning, I was sitting at my computer
and getting ready for the class,

and before anybody else showed up,
in walks this same little boy.

And he walks up to me,

and kind of kicking his feet,
he says, "Hi."

I say, "Hi."

He says, "I'm sorry
for what I said yesterday."

I said, "It's okay. Why did you say that?"

He said,

"Three months ago,
my mom passed away of cancer.

And I loved her more
than anybody in the world,

and it hurt, it hurt so bad."

And he said, "Every time that I would cry,
my dad would just yell at me,

and yell at me.

And he would say, "Stop crying!

Don't be so emotional.
Deal with this like a man!"

Like, here is this twelve-year-old boy,

clearly not a man.

I knelt down because my heart
was breaking for him,

and I wrapped my arms around him,
and he just broke down, crying.

And I said, "It's okay.

It's okay."

Sometimes, all the time,

"dealing with it like a man"

means having the courage
to see what's actually there

instead of running away from it.

And so, with that in mind,

I want to leave you
with three simple things.

Guys,

it is time to start building
your brotherhoods,

it's time to start reconnecting
with the men in your life

who are willing to have
the real conversations,

the ones that go beyond the booze,
and the babes, and the blood sports.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Now, I'm not saying
that you've got to get a guitar

and get around the campfire
and, you know, cry

and sing Kumbaya.

(Laughter)

Well, what I am saying is:
have the meaningful conversations

about what is actually
happening in your life.

And ladies -

(Sigh)

We've been through a lot together.

(Laughter)

First off, ladies,
I just want to say thank you.

Thank you to every single one of you.

Second off, I want to say that this talk
is a formal invitation

to each and every single one of you
to join our conversation.

Help us, support us in finding strength
within our vulnerabilities,

for it is there where
we will truly meet you.

And lastly, fathers,

be the type of man that you would be
proud to see your daughters marry

and the type of man that your son
deserves to be raised by

so he can stop being part of the problem

and he can start
being part of the solution.

(Applause) (Cheering)