So what is the biggest challenge that men face today?
Now, some people might think,
"Men have challenges?"
Others might think, "Men are actually a challenge."
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Yeah, there we go.
(Applause) (Laughter)
But really, what are the biggest challenges that men face today?
Some might say that it's being able to develop
a deep sense of emotional intelligence,
while others would say that it's being able to really understand
racial and gender inequality.
Now, while both of those are true,
I see that the biggest challenge that they face in order to address those
is being able to overcome and move through some of the negative stereotypes
that surround masculinity.
You see, at a very young age,
most boys and young men are taught that their highest value as a man
is their ability to dominate, to control and to succeed at all costs.
You see, I've had a unique experience
and I've been able to see masculinity in all different forms
and all walks of life,
from the frozen gravel pits of Northern Alberta
to the opera houses of Europe and China,
all the way back to the corporate boardrooms of North America.
I've seen the dark, violent and aggressive side of masculinity,
and I've seen the light, compassionate, caring side.
I remember growing up in Alberta,
and for those of you who don't know what that's like,
it's kind of like the Texas of Canada.
(Laughter)
There's a lot of oil,
there's a lot of big trucks,
and there seems to be a plethora of cowboys.
Now, I grew up going to a Catholic elementary school,
and every Friday morning, we had this great tradition
that I absolutely loved.
Every Friday morning, somebody would come over the intercom
and they would read the Lord's prayer
because it was a Catholic elementary school,
but then, after that,
somebody would come on, and they would sing the national anthem.
Now, I loved this!
I loved this because I loved music.
And every week, the teacher would ask,
"Is somebody willing to volunteer to go and sing the national anthem?"
And every week, I would want to put my hand up,
but I was too scared.
Finally, after hearing somebody completely botch it one Friday morning,
I decided, "I can do this, and I can probably even do it better than them."
So I went home that day, and I practiced.
I practiced and practiced and practiced.
From morning to night, from bedroom to bathroom,
I practiced singing the national anthem, and it must have driven my parents crazy!
I actually remember I had one of those double cassette decks
where you could put a cassette in one side and a cassette in the other,
and so I could put Michael Jackson in on one side,
and I would listen to him sing "Bad" and "Thriller" and "Heal the World,"
and I would practice my (Singing).
And then on the other side -
(Laughter)
I would practice myself singing the national anthem.
So finally, I got the courage up to go and do this.
So one Friday morning, I march myself to school,
I walk straight into the office, I go right up to the secretary and I say,
"I am here to sing the national anthem."
(Laughter)
And she looks at me clearly confused about why I'm so excited.
And she just says, "Okay ..."
(Laughter)
So my time comes,
I get up and I sing that national anthem
with all the jazz and pop tones that I can possibly muster.
(Laughter)
In my mind, it goes amazing.
(Laughter)
I walk out of the office with my head held high,
with my pride in tow and a grin from ear to ear.
As I'm going to class, I turn the corner and I bumped into the grade-six bully.
He's a little bit bigger than me.
He looks at me and he says,
"Was that you that just sang the national anthem?"
"Yes,"
I say, clearly proud of myself.
And then, bam!
He punches me right in the gut.
And I drop to my knees because I can't breathe,
and I look up at him and all I can manage to squeak out is, "Why?"
Because I'm so confused as to what the heck just happened.
And I'll never forget: he just looks at me,
and he says, "Don't be such a bitch.
Singing is for girls."
And there it was,
my first real experience
with what one of the biggest challenges that young boys and young men face today,
being taught that emotional and creative expression
is not what a real man does.
You see, the rise of the empowered woman is not a threat to masculinity.
Feminism is not the death of men.
Thank you.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Machoism and our idea
that in order to be a successful man we need to dominate others,
we need to be a lone wolf, we need to figure it out by ourselves,
that's what's really crushing men today.
But what is machoism?
Is it really that bad?
I mean, there was a wrestler named Macho Man.
It can't be that horrible.
Well, let's take a look.
So machoism ...
Machoism is a strong sense of masculine pride -
okay, not so bad -
with the supreme valuation of characteristics
culturally associated with the masculine
and the denigration and devaluation
of characteristics culturally associated with the feminine.
That means that young boys and young men
that are trying to live into this very macho stereotype,
this macho, you know, archetype,
put masculine qualities and masculine traits on a pedestal
and diminish anything that's associated with the feminine,
things like community.
They end up idolizing and worshiping and putting on a pedestal
this idea that we need to be a lone wolf in order to figure everything out,
in order to be "a real man."
I found this photo a few years back,
and it fundamentally shifted the way that I see men in our society,
successful men.
You see, at the front of the pack are three wolves,
and these three wolves are actually the oldest and the sickest.
They're there to kind of set the pace for the entire pack.
Now, behind them are the five omega wolves.
These are the tough guys.
Now, these five omega wolves are there to protect the pack
in case of an ambush,
and every once in a while, you know, nip the older ones in the butt
to make sure that they're moving on fast enough.
Now, behind the five omega wolves is the rest of the pack,
you know, the moms and the baby cubs,
and at the very back, almost off of the picture entirely,
is the alpha wolf.
Now, you see, in nature, they have it right,
they know what they're doing.
In nature, the alpha wolf is an integral part of society,
it's an integral part of the community.
And in nature, the lone wolf is actually an outcast,
and he is an outcast because he is too violent
and he is too dangerous for the pack.
But these archetypes,
these sort of characteristics
that a lot of young boys and a lot of men are trying to live into,
this macho idea and this idea that we need to be a lone wolf,
is what's really having a negative impact on most men today.
And this is what's created what I call the mask of masculinity.
The mask of masculinity sounds something like this.
Rule number one: real men don't cry.
It's kind of like the first rule of "Fight Club."
Everybody knows it, nobody talks about it.
Rule number two: real men don't express emotions openly,
unless it's anger and aggression.
Real men aren't empathetic.
And there's strength in retaliation:
if you get hit or you get hurt, you damn well better hit back
and you better hurt back twice as hard.
You need to be tough and strong.
You need to avoid anything that resembles being a woman.
Now, this mask, these archetypes have an impact.
They have consequences.
The consequences are very real.
The World Health Organization last year released a study
showing that men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women.
Four times.
That means that out of the 800,000 people who took their lives last year,
three quarters of them were men.
That's nearly 600,000 men.
So why is this happening?
Why is this on a borderline epidemic?
Well, researchers in the UK did a study
and found that half, 50 percent of men over the age of 25
cannot identify what they would consider to be a best friend or a close friend.
Now, that means that if they lose their job,
if they're struggling financially,
if they lose a parent, if they lose a child,
if they're diagnosed with cancer,
if their business is struggling so bad
that they don't know how they're going to pay themselves
or their employees,
they have no one to go talk to.
Researchers have linked this to the 60-percent increase -
60-percent increase -
in male suicides over the last 45 years alone.
That doesn't even take into account the millions of men who will die in wars,
fathers and sons who'll be gunned down in the streets
because emotional inaptitudes,
not to mention the millions of women
who'll be abused, who'll be raped, who'll be mutilated and who'll be killed
because of this misplaced sense of superiority.
Now, I'm not proud of it, but I lived into this archetype for a very long time.
I was stuck behind this mask of what I thought it meant to be a man.
And because of that, I found myself alone, I found myself isolated, depressed,
and worst of all, I hurt the people that I loved the most in my life.
Now, along that journey,
because I refused to give in and I refused to live in this archetype,
I learned how to do this -
(Singing in Italian) Mercy,
respect,
love,
the comfort
of declining years ...
Ah!
These will place
no flowers.
(Applause)
Because I refused to buy into this stereotype,
I got a degree in music,
I traveled the world singing opera,
I ended up working for the biggest company in the world,
and ultimately, I started an organization called Man Talks,
which supports men in being better fathers,
better husbands and better leaders
through real connections, real conversations
and a powerful community.
So where do we start?
Because this is a big question, and it's a real challenge.
I say it starts with you,
it starts with me,
but most importantly, it starts with our sons.
Now, a few years back when I was still singing,
I had the opportunity to work with a group of underprivileged inner-city boys,
and these kids were between the ages of 10 and 14, maybe 15.
A lot of them came from families, you know, with single parents,
definitely under the poverty line.
A lot of them came from, you know, homes where their parents were addicts.
And I was there to work with them about creativity,
and passion, and expression,
things that I clearly enjoy talking about.
And I started off the day with singing the exact same lines
that I just sang for you today,
and then, when I was done,
I explained and translated the first three words -
That was from Macbeth, by the way. That's Macbeth's aria.
And I said, "pietà," "rispetto, "amore."
"Honor," "respect," and "love,"
three things that every man and every woman can live by in their life.
Now, as soon as I was finished, one of the kids spoke up, and he said,
"Love makes you weak. Love is for girls."
And he just crosses his arms and looks away.
I was a little taken aback.
I was fully and mentally prepared to get made fun of for singing opera
in front of these kids,
but I wasn't expecting this.
I said, "Why do you say that?"
He didn't respond, he just nodded off and looked out the window.
I said, "Love is one of the most powerful virtues and characteristics that we have."
It's one of the most powerful virtues
that we can hope to experience in our lifetime.
Love is for men, and love is for women.
Love creates an equal playing field where all of us get to show up.
Now, I didn't press it
because I didn't want to call this kid out in front of the rest of the class,
and so I let it go.
At the end of the class, he was up and out
before I even had a chance to say anything.
Thankfully I was back the next morning, and I was going to address it with him.
That morning, I was sitting at my computer and getting ready for the class,
and before anybody else showed up, in walks this same little boy.
And he walks up to me,
and kind of kicking his feet, he says, "Hi."
I say, "Hi."
He says, "I'm sorry for what I said yesterday."
I said, "It's okay. Why did you say that?"
He said,
"Three months ago, my mom passed away of cancer.
And I loved her more than anybody in the world,
and it hurt, it hurt so bad."
And he said, "Every time that I would cry, my dad would just yell at me,
and yell at me.
And he would say, "Stop crying!
Don't be so emotional. Deal with this like a man!"
Like, here is this twelve-year-old boy,
clearly not a man.
I knelt down because my heart was breaking for him,
and I wrapped my arms around him, and he just broke down, crying.
And I said, "It's okay.
It's okay."
Sometimes, all the time,
"dealing with it like a man"
means having the courage to see what's actually there
instead of running away from it.
And so, with that in mind,
I want to leave you with three simple things.
Guys,
it is time to start building your brotherhoods,
it's time to start reconnecting with the men in your life
who are willing to have the real conversations,
the ones that go beyond the booze, and the babes, and the blood sports.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
Now, I'm not saying that you've got to get a guitar
and get around the campfire and, you know, cry
and sing Kumbaya.
(Laughter)
Well, what I am saying is: have the meaningful conversations
about what is actually happening in your life.
And ladies -
(Sigh)
We've been through a lot together.
(Laughter)
First off, ladies, I just want to say thank you.
Thank you to every single one of you.
Second off, I want to say that this talk is a formal invitation
to each and every single one of you to join our conversation.
Help us, support us in finding strength within our vulnerabilities,
for it is there where we will truly meet you.
And lastly, fathers,
be the type of man that you would be proud to see your daughters marry
and the type of man that your son deserves to be raised by
so he can stop being part of the problem
and he can start being part of the solution.
(Applause) (Cheering)