Romesh Ranganathan - Royal Variety Performance 2015

[applause, music]

Hello!

[crowd cheers]

What an honour it is to be performing for
His Royal Highness, thank you very much.

Particularly as before I did standup

I used to make my living
as a Prince Harry lookalike.

[audience laughter after each joke]

I'm sort of worried,
Prince Harry looks gorgeous.

My wife really does quite fancy you.

But I am aging horribly.

I'm putting on a lot of weight,
I'm worried about it.

I'm very self-conscious about my body.

Just recently I woke up one morning.
I went to the bathroom,

I looked at my chocolate blancmange
torso in the mirror.

I went back to the bedroom and I
apologized to my wife for my appearance.

And she accepted my apology.
So --

I've tried to put a positive spin on it.

I said to my wife, d'you know what,
I've grown this for you.

I've grown this to take myself
out of the game.

You're welcome.

The truth is I love my wife.
I do love her very much.

She deserves better than me,

but I cannot be bothered to provide it.

I just can't!

I figured to myself, I don't have to
be an excellent husband,

I just have to be slightly less annoying
than starting divorce proceedings.

I feel that's --

that's the way I'm going to operate.

I am married to a white woman.

I'm telling you that because it's essential
for the story. I'm not showing off.

My brother is also married to
a white woman. A different one.

We don't roll like that.

But last Christmas my mother invited
us all 'round for Christmas dinner.

Absolutely delightful!
She invited my wife's family,

she invited my sister-in-law's family,
all come 'round for Christmas dinner.

Absolutely delightful.

And she did two dinners.
She did two dinners.

She did a traditional turkey dinner,
and she did a curry.

And she said, just sit near
the one you want.

Our Christmas dinner table

looked like a bus
pre-Rosa Parks.

It was absolutely insane.

[Sri Lankan accent]
Merry Christmas!

"Welcome to our apartheid simulation.

"Oh, no no, Whitey, you're gonna have
a horrible Boxing Day if you eat that.

"Too spicy for you."

[normal voice] I do love my wife.
I'm not good enough for that woman.

That's the honest truth of it.
I'm not good enough.

I've realized recently,
I'm a fake feminist.

I dunno if there are any of those
in the room.

But basically what I mean by that
is I say all the right things,

but I don't know if I mean it.

Like, I'll say to my wife I wanna help her
achieve her dreams, hopes and aspirations,

but it would be a lot more convenient
to me if she didn't have any.

Yes?

There's somebody whooping over there.

You shouldn't be proud
of whooping at that, mate.

But the thing is, what that does is
it makes me wanna step up

and prove myself to my wife.

It makes me wanna step up
and do the right thing by her.

And I had the opportunity
to step up for our family,

because our eldest son had to go to school

and we had to choose a school for our son

and I said to my wife, y'know what,
I know I don't do enough,

I'd like to step up and choose a school
for our son.

I'd like to be in charge of this operation.

To cut a long story short,

I chose a school that was shut down
for not meeting government requirements.

Now that is a difficult situation.
But in fairness to me,

why on earth are we having to make
qualitative judgments about schools?

Here's a solution: make 'em all good,
I'll pick the nearest one.

All right?

Why would you not want to
invest more money

in making the future less thick?

Morons are taking over, aren't they?

And they're reproducing
more quickly than us.

For every intelligent person
using a condom,

there are two dipsticks using clingfilm.

"I've used the whole roll!
I think it's go-time!" Y'know?

I'm helping my eldest son learn
to read, actually.

I don't know if anyone here
has helped a child learn to read.

It is one of the most --
have you done it?

It is -- isn't it magical? It's one of the
most magical and rewarding things

that I think you can do as a parent.

The first time that you do it.

After that, it's one of the most
irritating, annoying ...

waste of time, would rather
punch myself in the face

than ever do this activity again,
that you can do. And let me tell you why.

He does not care, this kid,
about making sense.

He'll just rattle off the words,
all the little words:

"If, and, but, dadadadadadada ..."

Rattle those off. When he gets to a long
word, a difficult word, instead of trying,

he'll just look at the picture and throw
something random in from there,

without any regard for what effect
that has on the rest of the sentence.

And I'm supposed to not get angry!

I'm supposed to not get angry
when he goes,

"Jack ... went ...

"um ... um ... strawberry?"

How could that possibly be
what it said, mate?

Out of all of the words that you know, how
could it in any way have been strawberry?

What about this story made you think
that the next thing Jack was going to do

was go strawberry?
Have you even heard that phrase?

Have you ever heard Mummy saying,
"I'm off to go strawberry"?

Have you ever heard it? So, so,
what was going on in your head?

What would that even look like, Jack
going strawberry. What would it look like?

Now you tell me, what would it look like?

I tell you what,
you think that's what it said,

why don't you go strawberry now?
Go on, you go strawberry now.

Stop crying! Go strawberry.
Go strawberry.

[yelling] 'Cause that's what
you said it says!

I didn't say it!

If I said it I'd be going strawberry
all over the shop, mate.

My wife thinks I'm overreacting, right?
And I know that that looks bad,

I realize that, but let me tell you this:
it comes from a good place.

I want my son to be educated. I want
him to have the world at his feet.

I don't want him to be a moron.

I don't wanna knock on his door
in 20 years' time.

He opens it, he's just scratching himself,
"Heu heu, all right, Dad?

"How ya doin'?" I say to him,
"What's wrong with you?"

He says, "I think I'm
allergic to clingfilm."

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been
Romesh Ranganathan.

Thank you, good night!

[applause, music]