1
00:00:00,591 --> 00:00:04,385
[applause, music]

2
00:00:06,660 --> 00:00:08,034
Hello!

3
00:00:08,184 --> 00:00:09,141
[crowd cheers]

4
00:00:09,198 --> 00:00:12,670
What an honour it is to be performing for
His Royal Highness, thank you very much.

5
00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:15,049
Particularly as before I did standup

6
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:17,680
I used to make my living
as a Prince Harry lookalike.

7
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,064
[audience laughter after each joke]

8
00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:22,905
I'm sort of worried,
Prince Harry looks gorgeous.

9
00:00:22,905 --> 00:00:25,489
My wife really does quite fancy you.

10
00:00:26,129 --> 00:00:28,719
But <i>I</i> am aging horribly.

11
00:00:28,799 --> 00:00:31,246
I'm putting on a lot of weight,
I'm worried about it.

12
00:00:31,246 --> 00:00:33,935
I'm very self-conscious about my body.

13
00:00:33,935 --> 00:00:36,790
Just recently I woke up one morning.
I went to the bathroom,

14
00:00:36,790 --> 00:00:41,666
I looked at my chocolate blancmange
torso in the mirror.

15
00:00:42,352 --> 00:00:46,680
I went back to the bedroom and I
apologized to my wife for my appearance.

16
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,923
And she accepted my apology.
So --

17
00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,309
I've tried to put a positive spin on it.

18
00:00:53,309 --> 00:00:56,797
I said to my wife, d'you know what,
I've grown this for you.

19
00:00:57,241 --> 00:01:01,042
I've grown this to take myself
out of the game.

20
00:01:04,153 --> 00:01:06,630
You're welcome.

21
00:01:07,179 --> 00:01:09,848
The truth is I love my wife.
I do love her very much.

22
00:01:09,848 --> 00:01:11,304
She deserves better than me,

23
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:14,805
but I cannot be bothered to provide it.

24
00:01:20,251 --> 00:01:21,886
I just can't!

25
00:01:21,886 --> 00:01:24,650
I figured to myself, I don't have to
be an excellent husband,

26
00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:28,314
I just have to be slightly less annoying
than starting divorce proceedings.

27
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:29,615
I feel that's --

28
00:01:29,645 --> 00:01:31,458
that's the way I'm going to operate.

29
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,932
I am married to a white woman.

30
00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:36,693
I'm telling you that because it's essential
for the story. I'm not showing off.

31
00:01:41,123 --> 00:01:44,313
My brother is also married to 
a white woman. A different one.

32
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,531
We don't roll like that.

33
00:01:47,657 --> 00:01:52,783
But last Christmas my mother invited 
us all 'round for Christmas dinner.

34
00:01:52,783 --> 00:01:55,434
Absolutely delightful!
She invited my wife's family,

35
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:58,980
she invited my sister-in-law's family,
all come 'round for Christmas dinner.

36
00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:00,275
Absolutely delightful.

37
00:02:00,275 --> 00:02:03,062
And she did two dinners.
She did two dinners.

38
00:02:03,062 --> 00:02:06,069
She did a traditional turkey dinner,
and she did a curry.

39
00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:10,277
And she said, just sit near
the one you want.

40
00:02:10,856 --> 00:02:12,992
Our Christmas dinner table

41
00:02:12,992 --> 00:02:15,887
looked like a bus
pre-Rosa Parks.

42
00:02:15,887 --> 00:02:17,525
It was absolutely insane.

43
00:02:17,525 --> 00:02:18,779
[Sri Lankan accent]
Merry Christmas!

44
00:02:18,779 --> 00:02:21,633
"Welcome to our apartheid simulation.

45
00:02:21,633 --> 00:02:25,206
"Oh, no no, Whitey, you're gonna have
a horrible Boxing Day if you eat that.

46
00:02:25,206 --> 00:02:27,562
"Too spicy for you."

47
00:02:32,783 --> 00:02:35,448
[normal voice] I do love my wife.
I'm not good enough for that woman.

48
00:02:35,448 --> 00:02:37,111
That's the honest truth of it.
I'm not good enough.

49
00:02:37,111 --> 00:02:40,026
I've realized recently,
I'm a fake feminist.

50
00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:42,279
I dunno if there are any of those
in the room.

51
00:02:42,279 --> 00:02:45,609
But basically what I mean by that
is I say all the right things,

52
00:02:45,609 --> 00:02:48,142
but I don't know if I mean it.

53
00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:53,367
Like, I'll say to my wife I wanna help her
achieve her dreams, hopes and aspirations,

54
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:57,001
but it would be a lot more convenient
to me if she didn't have any.

55
00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:58,424
Yes?

56
00:03:05,697 --> 00:03:07,941
There's somebody whooping over there.

57
00:03:07,941 --> 00:03:11,355
You shouldn't be proud 
of whooping at that, mate.

58
00:03:11,698 --> 00:03:14,568
But the thing is, what that does is
it makes me wanna step up

59
00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:16,120
and prove myself to my wife.

60
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,823
It makes me wanna step up
and do the right thing by her.

61
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:21,644
And I had the opportunity
to step up for our family,

62
00:03:21,644 --> 00:03:23,535
because our eldest son had to go to school

63
00:03:23,535 --> 00:03:25,818
and we had to choose a school for our son

64
00:03:25,818 --> 00:03:28,527
and I said to my wife, y'know what,
I know I don't do enough,

65
00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:30,586
I'd like to step up and choose a school
for our son.

66
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:33,203
I'd like to be in charge of this operation.

67
00:03:33,203 --> 00:03:34,633
To cut a long story short,

68
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:39,035
I chose a school that was shut down
for not meeting government requirements.

69
00:03:39,035 --> 00:03:41,750
Now that is a difficult situation.
But in fairness to me,

70
00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:45,099
why on earth are we having to make
qualitative judgments about schools?

71
00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:48,787
Here's a solution: make 'em all good,
I'll pick the nearest one.

72
00:03:48,787 --> 00:03:50,440
All right?

73
00:03:55,006 --> 00:03:57,031
Why would you not want to
invest more money

74
00:03:57,031 --> 00:03:59,642
in making the future less thick?

75
00:04:05,019 --> 00:04:07,238
Morons are taking over, aren't they?

76
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:10,351
And they're reproducing
more quickly than us.

77
00:04:11,871 --> 00:04:14,043
For every intelligent person
using a condom,

78
00:04:14,043 --> 00:04:17,082
there are two dipsticks using clingfilm.

79
00:04:20,356 --> 00:04:24,377
"I've used the whole roll!
I think it's go-time!" Y'know?

80
00:04:24,456 --> 00:04:26,870
I'm helping my eldest son learn
to read, actually.

81
00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:30,861
I don't know if anyone here
has helped a child learn to read.

82
00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:32,982
It is one of the most --
have you done it?

83
00:04:32,982 --> 00:04:38,898
It is -- isn't it magical? It's one of the
most magical and rewarding things

84
00:04:38,898 --> 00:04:40,667
that I think you can do as a parent.

85
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:43,843
The first time that you do it.

86
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:50,940
After that, it's one of the most
irritating, annoying ...

87
00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:54,647
waste of time, would rather 
punch myself in the face

88
00:04:54,647 --> 00:04:58,880
than ever do this activity again,
that you can do. And let me tell you why.

89
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:03,469
He does not care, this kid,
about making sense.

90
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,960
He'll just rattle off the words,
all the little words:

91
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,221
"If, and, but, dadadadadadada ..."

92
00:05:08,221 --> 00:05:13,493
Rattle those off. When he gets to a long
word, a difficult word, instead of trying,

93
00:05:13,493 --> 00:05:18,929
he'll just look at the picture and throw
something random in from there,

94
00:05:18,929 --> 00:05:24,660
without any regard for what effect 
that has on the rest of the sentence.

95
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:27,696
And I'm supposed to not get angry!

96
00:05:27,696 --> 00:05:29,977
I'm supposed to not get angry 
when he goes,

97
00:05:29,977 --> 00:05:32,824
"Jack ... went ...

98
00:05:32,824 --> 00:05:37,132
"um ... um ... strawberry?"

99
00:05:38,013 --> 00:05:40,749
How could that possibly be
what it said, mate?

100
00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:47,094
Out of all of the words that you know, how
could it in any way have been strawberry?

101
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,238
What about this story made you think
that the next thing Jack was going to do

102
00:05:51,238 --> 00:05:53,595
was go strawberry? 
Have you even heard that phrase?

103
00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:56,355
Have you ever heard Mummy saying,
"I'm off to go strawberry"?

104
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:58,898
Have you ever heard it? So, so,
what was going on in your head?

105
00:05:58,898 --> 00:06:01,627
What would that even look like, Jack
going strawberry. What would it look like?

106
00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:04,081
Now you tell me, what would it look like?

107
00:06:04,081 --> 00:06:05,720
I tell you what,
you think that's what it said,

108
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,344
why don't you go strawberry now?
Go on, you go strawberry now.

109
00:06:08,344 --> 00:06:10,553
Stop crying! Go strawberry.
Go strawberry.

110
00:06:10,553 --> 00:06:12,672
[yelling] 'Cause that's what
you said it says!

111
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,054
I didn't say it!

112
00:06:14,054 --> 00:06:18,611
If I said it I'd be going strawberry
all over the shop, mate.

113
00:06:22,604 --> 00:06:27,508
My wife thinks I'm overreacting, right?
And I know that that looks bad,

114
00:06:27,508 --> 00:06:30,352
I realize that, but let me tell you this:
it comes from a good place.

115
00:06:30,352 --> 00:06:33,712
I want my son to be educated. I want
him to have the world at his feet.

116
00:06:33,712 --> 00:06:34,960
I don't want him to be a moron.

117
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,786
I don't wanna knock on his door
in 20 years' time.

118
00:06:36,786 --> 00:06:40,184
He opens it, he's just scratching himself,
"Heu heu, all right, Dad?

119
00:06:41,644 --> 00:06:43,752
"How ya doin'?" I say to him,
"What's wrong with you?"

120
00:06:43,752 --> 00:06:46,961
He says, "I think I'm
allergic to clingfilm."

121
00:06:47,618 --> 00:06:50,002
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been 
Romesh Ranganathan.

122
00:06:50,002 --> 00:06:51,556
Thank you, good night!

123
00:06:51,556 --> 00:06:56,410
[applause, music]