[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.59,0:00:04.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[applause, music]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.66,0:00:08.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hello!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.18,0:00:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[crowd cheers]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.20,0:00:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What an honour it is to be performing for\NHis Royal Highness, thank you very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.67,0:00:15.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Particularly as before I did standup
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.05,0:00:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to make my living\Nas a Prince Harry lookalike.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.76,0:00:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[audience laughter after each joke]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.17,0:00:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sort of worried,\NPrince Harry looks gorgeous.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.90,0:00:25.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My wife really does quite fancy you.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.13,0:00:28.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But {\i1}I{\i0} am aging horribly.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.80,0:00:31.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm putting on a lot of weight,\NI'm worried about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.25,0:00:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm very self-conscious about my body.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.94,0:00:36.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just recently I woke up one morning.\NI went to the bathroom,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.79,0:00:41.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I looked at my chocolate blancmange\Ntorso in the mirror.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.35,0:00:46.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went back to the bedroom and I\Napologized to my wife for my appearance.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.68,0:00:49.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she accepted my apology.\NSo --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.34,0:00:53.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've tried to put a positive spin on it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.31,0:00:56.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said to my wife, d'you know what,\NI've grown this for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.24,0:01:01.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've grown this to take myself\Nout of the game.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.15,0:01:06.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're welcome.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.18,0:01:09.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is I love my wife.\NI do love her very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.85,0:01:11.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She deserves better than me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.30,0:01:14.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I cannot be bothered to provide it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.25,0:01:21.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just can't!
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.89,0:01:24.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I figured to myself, I don't have to\Nbe an excellent husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.65,0:01:28.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just have to be slightly less annoying\Nthan starting divorce proceedings.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.31,0:01:29.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel that's --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.64,0:01:31.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the way I'm going to operate.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.46,0:01:32.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am married to a white woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.93,0:01:36.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm telling you that because it's essential\Nfor the story. I'm not showing off.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.12,0:01:44.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My brother is also married to \Na white woman. A different one.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.31,0:01:46.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't roll like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.66,0:01:52.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But last Christmas my mother invited \Nus all 'round for Christmas dinner.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.78,0:01:55.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely delightful!\NShe invited my wife's family,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.43,0:01:58.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she invited my sister-in-law's family,\Nall come 'round for Christmas dinner.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.98,0:02:00.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Absolutely delightful.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.28,0:02:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she did two dinners.\NShe did two dinners.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.06,0:02:06.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She did a traditional turkey dinner,\Nand she did a curry.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.07,0:02:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, just sit near\Nthe one you want.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.86,0:02:12.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our Christmas dinner table
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.99,0:02:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looked like a bus\Npre-Rosa Parks.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.89,0:02:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was absolutely insane.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.52,0:02:18.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Sri Lankan accent]\NMerry Christmas!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.78,0:02:21.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Welcome to our apartheid simulation.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.63,0:02:25.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, no no, Whitey, you're gonna have\Na horrible Boxing Day if you eat that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.21,0:02:27.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Too spicy for you."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.78,0:02:35.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[normal voice] I do love my wife.\NI'm not good enough for that woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.45,0:02:37.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the honest truth of it.\NI'm not good enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.11,0:02:40.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've realized recently,\NI'm a fake feminist.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.03,0:02:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I dunno if there are any of those\Nin the room.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.28,0:02:45.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But basically what I mean by that\Nis I say all the right things,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.61,0:02:48.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I don't know if I mean it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.39,0:02:53.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I'll say to my wife I wanna help her\Nachieve her dreams, hopes and aspirations,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.37,0:02:57.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it would be a lot more convenient\Nto me if she didn't have any.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.00,0:02:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.70,0:03:07.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's somebody whooping over there.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.94,0:03:11.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You shouldn't be proud \Nof whooping at that, mate.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.70,0:03:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the thing is, what that does is\Nit makes me wanna step up
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.57,0:03:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and prove myself to my wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.12,0:03:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes me wanna step up\Nand do the right thing by her.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.82,0:03:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I had the opportunity\Nto step up for our family,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.64,0:03:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because our eldest son had to go to school
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.54,0:03:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we had to choose a school for our son
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.82,0:03:28.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said to my wife, y'know what,\NI know I don't do enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.53,0:03:30.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to step up and choose a school\Nfor our son.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.59,0:03:33.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to be in charge of this operation.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.20,0:03:34.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To cut a long story short,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.63,0:03:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I chose a school that was shut down\Nfor not meeting government requirements.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.04,0:03:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now that is a difficult situation.\NBut in fairness to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.75,0:03:45.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why on earth are we having to make\Nqualitative judgments about schools?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.10,0:03:48.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's a solution: make 'em all good,\NI'll pick the nearest one.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.79,0:03:50.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.01,0:03:57.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you not want to\Ninvest more money
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.03,0:03:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in making the future less thick?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.02,0:04:07.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Morons are taking over, aren't they?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.38,0:04:10.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're reproducing\Nmore quickly than us.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.87,0:04:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For every intelligent person\Nusing a condom,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.04,0:04:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are two dipsticks using clingfilm.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.36,0:04:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I've used the whole roll!\NI think it's go-time!" Y'know?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.46,0:04:26.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm helping my eldest son learn\Nto read, actually.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.87,0:04:30.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if anyone here\Nhas helped a child learn to read.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.86,0:04:32.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is one of the most --\Nhave you done it?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.98,0:04:38.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is -- isn't it magical? It's one of the\Nmost magical and rewarding things
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.90,0:04:40.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I think you can do as a parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.67,0:04:43.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first time that you do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.50,0:04:50.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After that, it's one of the most\Nirritating, annoying ...
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.94,0:04:54.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,waste of time, would rather \Npunch myself in the face
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.65,0:04:58.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than ever do this activity again,\Nthat you can do. And let me tell you why.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.88,0:05:03.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He does not care, this kid,\Nabout making sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.47,0:05:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He'll just rattle off the words,\Nall the little words:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.96,0:05:08.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If, and, but, dadadadadadada ..."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.22,0:05:13.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rattle those off. When he gets to a long\Nword, a difficult word, instead of trying,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.49,0:05:18.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he'll just look at the picture and throw\Nsomething random in from there,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.93,0:05:24.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without any regard for what effect \Nthat has on the rest of the sentence.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.66,0:05:27.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm supposed to not get angry!
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.70,0:05:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm supposed to not get angry \Nwhen he goes,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.98,0:05:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Jack ... went ...
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.82,0:05:37.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"um ... um ... strawberry?"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.01,0:05:40.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could that possibly be\Nwhat it said, mate?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.75,0:05:47.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Out of all of the words that you know, how\Ncould it in any way have been strawberry?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.35,0:05:51.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about this story made you think\Nthat the next thing Jack was going to do
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.24,0:05:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was go strawberry? \NHave you even heard that phrase?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.60,0:05:56.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you ever heard Mummy saying,\N"I'm off to go strawberry"?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.36,0:05:58.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you ever heard it? So, so,\Nwhat was going on in your head?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.90,0:06:01.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What would that even look like, Jack\Ngoing strawberry. What would it look like?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.63,0:06:04.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now you tell me, what would it look like?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.08,0:06:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tell you what,\Nyou think that's what it said,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.72,0:06:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why don't you go strawberry now?\NGo on, you go strawberry now.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.34,0:06:10.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Stop crying! Go strawberry.\NGo strawberry.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.55,0:06:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[yelling] 'Cause that's what\Nyou said it says!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.67,0:06:14.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't say it!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.05,0:06:18.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I said it I'd be going strawberry\Nall over the shop, mate.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.60,0:06:27.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My wife thinks I'm overreacting, right?\NAnd I know that that looks bad,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.51,0:06:30.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realize that, but let me tell you this:\Nit comes from a good place.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.35,0:06:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want my son to be educated. I want\Nhim to have the world at his feet.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.71,0:06:34.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want him to be a moron.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.96,0:06:36.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't wanna knock on his door\Nin 20 years' time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.79,0:06:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He opens it, he's just scratching himself,\N"Heu heu, all right, Dad?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.64,0:06:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How ya doin'?" I say to him,\N"What's wrong with you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.75,0:06:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He says, "I think I'm\Nallergic to clingfilm."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.62,0:06:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ladies and gentlemen, I've been \NRomesh Ranganathan.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.00,0:06:51.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, good night!
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.56,0:06:56.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[applause, music]