WEBVTT 00:00:00.591 --> 00:00:04.385 [applause, music] 00:00:06.660 --> 00:00:08.034 Hello! 00:00:08.184 --> 00:00:09.141 [crowd cheers] 00:00:09.198 --> 00:00:12.670 What an honour it is to be performing for His Royal Highness, thank you very much. 00:00:12.670 --> 00:00:15.049 Particularly as before I did standup 00:00:15.049 --> 00:00:17.680 I used to make my living as a Prince Harry lookalike. 00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:20.064 [audience laughter after each joke] 00:00:20.173 --> 00:00:22.905 I'm sort of worried, Prince Harry looks gorgeous. 00:00:22.905 --> 00:00:25.489 My wife really does quite fancy you. 00:00:26.129 --> 00:00:28.719 But I am aging horribly. 00:00:28.799 --> 00:00:31.246 I'm putting on a lot of weight, I'm worried about it. 00:00:31.246 --> 00:00:33.935 I'm very self-conscious about my body. 00:00:33.935 --> 00:00:36.790 Just recently I woke up one morning. I went to the bathroom, 00:00:36.790 --> 00:00:41.666 I looked at my chocolate blancmange torso in the mirror. 00:00:42.352 --> 00:00:46.680 I went back to the bedroom and I apologized to my wife for my appearance. 00:00:46.680 --> 00:00:49.923 And she accepted my apology. So -- 00:00:51.344 --> 00:00:53.309 I've tried to put a positive spin on it. 00:00:53.309 --> 00:00:56.797 I said to my wife, d'you know what, I've grown this for you. 00:00:57.241 --> 00:01:01.042 I've grown this to take myself out of the game. 00:01:04.153 --> 00:01:06.630 You're welcome. 00:01:07.179 --> 00:01:09.848 The truth is I love my wife. I do love her very much. 00:01:09.848 --> 00:01:11.304 She deserves better than me, 00:01:11.304 --> 00:01:14.805 but I cannot be bothered to provide it. 00:01:20.251 --> 00:01:21.886 I just can't! 00:01:21.886 --> 00:01:24.650 I figured to myself, I don't have to be an excellent husband, 00:01:24.650 --> 00:01:28.314 I just have to be slightly less annoying than starting divorce proceedings. 00:01:28.314 --> 00:01:29.615 I feel that's -- 00:01:29.645 --> 00:01:31.458 that's the way I'm going to operate. 00:01:31.458 --> 00:01:32.932 I am married to a white woman. 00:01:32.932 --> 00:01:36.693 I'm telling you that because it's essential for the story. I'm not showing off. 00:01:41.123 --> 00:01:44.313 My brother is also married to a white woman. A different one. 00:01:44.313 --> 00:01:46.531 We don't roll like that. 00:01:47.657 --> 00:01:52.783 But last Christmas my mother invited us all 'round for Christmas dinner. 00:01:52.783 --> 00:01:55.434 Absolutely delightful! She invited my wife's family, 00:01:55.434 --> 00:01:58.980 she invited my sister-in-law's family, all come 'round for Christmas dinner. 00:01:58.980 --> 00:02:00.275 Absolutely delightful. 00:02:00.275 --> 00:02:03.062 And she did two dinners. She did two dinners. 00:02:03.062 --> 00:02:06.069 She did a traditional turkey dinner, and she did a curry. 00:02:06.069 --> 00:02:10.277 And she said, just sit near the one you want. 00:02:10.856 --> 00:02:12.992 Our Christmas dinner table 00:02:12.992 --> 00:02:15.887 looked like a bus pre-Rosa Parks. 00:02:15.887 --> 00:02:17.525 It was absolutely insane. 00:02:17.525 --> 00:02:18.779 [Sri Lankan accent] Merry Christmas! 00:02:18.779 --> 00:02:21.633 "Welcome to our apartheid simulation. 00:02:21.633 --> 00:02:25.206 "Oh, no no, Whitey, you're gonna have a horrible Boxing Day if you eat that. 00:02:25.206 --> 00:02:27.562 "Too spicy for you." 00:02:32.783 --> 00:02:35.448 [normal voice] I do love my wife. I'm not good enough for that woman. 00:02:35.448 --> 00:02:37.111 That's the honest truth of it. I'm not good enough. 00:02:37.111 --> 00:02:40.026 I've realized recently, I'm a fake feminist. 00:02:40.026 --> 00:02:42.279 I dunno if there are any of those in the room. 00:02:42.279 --> 00:02:45.609 But basically what I mean by that is I say all the right things, 00:02:45.609 --> 00:02:48.142 but I don't know if I mean it. 00:02:48.392 --> 00:02:53.367 Like, I'll say to my wife I wanna help her achieve her dreams, hopes and aspirations, 00:02:53.367 --> 00:02:57.001 but it would be a lot more convenient to me if she didn't have any. 00:02:57.001 --> 00:02:58.424 Yes? 00:03:05.697 --> 00:03:07.941 There's somebody whooping over there. 00:03:07.941 --> 00:03:11.355 You shouldn't be proud of whooping at that, mate. 00:03:11.698 --> 00:03:14.568 But the thing is, what that does is it makes me wanna step up 00:03:14.568 --> 00:03:16.120 and prove myself to my wife. 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:18.823 It makes me wanna step up and do the right thing by her. 00:03:18.823 --> 00:03:21.644 And I had the opportunity to step up for our family, 00:03:21.644 --> 00:03:23.535 because our eldest son had to go to school 00:03:23.535 --> 00:03:25.818 and we had to choose a school for our son 00:03:25.818 --> 00:03:28.527 and I said to my wife, y'know what, I know I don't do enough, 00:03:28.527 --> 00:03:30.586 I'd like to step up and choose a school for our son. 00:03:30.586 --> 00:03:33.203 I'd like to be in charge of this operation. 00:03:33.203 --> 00:03:34.633 To cut a long story short, 00:03:34.633 --> 00:03:39.035 I chose a school that was shut down for not meeting government requirements. 00:03:39.035 --> 00:03:41.750 Now that is a difficult situation. But in fairness to me, 00:03:41.750 --> 00:03:45.099 why on earth are we having to make qualitative judgments about schools? 00:03:45.099 --> 00:03:48.787 Here's a solution: make 'em all good, I'll pick the nearest one. 00:03:48.787 --> 00:03:50.440 All right? 00:03:55.006 --> 00:03:57.031 Why would you not want to invest more money 00:03:57.031 --> 00:03:59.642 in making the future less thick? 00:04:05.019 --> 00:04:07.238 Morons are taking over, aren't they? 00:04:07.381 --> 00:04:10.351 And they're reproducing more quickly than us. 00:04:11.871 --> 00:04:14.043 For every intelligent person using a condom, 00:04:14.043 --> 00:04:17.082 there are two dipsticks using clingfilm. 00:04:20.356 --> 00:04:24.377 "I've used the whole roll! I think it's go-time!" Y'know? 00:04:24.456 --> 00:04:26.870 I'm helping my eldest son learn to read, actually. 00:04:26.870 --> 00:04:30.861 I don't know if anyone here has helped a child learn to read. 00:04:30.861 --> 00:04:32.982 It is one of the most -- have you done it? 00:04:32.982 --> 00:04:38.898 It is -- isn't it magical? It's one of the most magical and rewarding things 00:04:38.898 --> 00:04:40.667 that I think you can do as a parent. 00:04:40.667 --> 00:04:43.843 The first time that you do it. 00:04:46.495 --> 00:04:50.940 After that, it's one of the most irritating, annoying ... 00:04:50.940 --> 00:04:54.647 waste of time, would rather punch myself in the face 00:04:54.647 --> 00:04:58.880 than ever do this activity again, that you can do. And let me tell you why. 00:04:58.880 --> 00:05:03.469 He does not care, this kid, about making sense. 00:05:03.469 --> 00:05:05.960 He'll just rattle off the words, all the little words: 00:05:05.960 --> 00:05:08.221 "If, and, but, dadadadadadada ..." 00:05:08.221 --> 00:05:13.493 Rattle those off. When he gets to a long word, a difficult word, instead of trying, 00:05:13.493 --> 00:05:18.929 he'll just look at the picture and throw something random in from there, 00:05:18.929 --> 00:05:24.660 without any regard for what effect that has on the rest of the sentence. 00:05:24.660 --> 00:05:27.696 And I'm supposed to not get angry! 00:05:27.696 --> 00:05:29.977 I'm supposed to not get angry when he goes, 00:05:29.977 --> 00:05:32.824 "Jack ... went ... 00:05:32.824 --> 00:05:37.132 "um ... um ... strawberry?" 00:05:38.013 --> 00:05:40.749 How could that possibly be what it said, mate? 00:05:40.749 --> 00:05:47.094 Out of all of the words that you know, how could it in any way have been strawberry? 00:05:47.347 --> 00:05:51.238 What about this story made you think that the next thing Jack was going to do 00:05:51.238 --> 00:05:53.595 was go strawberry? Have you even heard that phrase? 00:05:53.595 --> 00:05:56.355 Have you ever heard Mummy saying, "I'm off to go strawberry"? 00:05:56.355 --> 00:05:58.898 Have you ever heard it? So, so, what was going on in your head? 00:05:58.898 --> 00:06:01.627 What would that even look like, Jack going strawberry. What would it look like? 00:06:01.627 --> 00:06:04.081 Now you tell me, what would it look like? 00:06:04.081 --> 00:06:05.720 I tell you what, you think that's what it said, 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:08.344 why don't you go strawberry now? Go on, you go strawberry now. 00:06:08.344 --> 00:06:10.553 Stop crying! Go strawberry. Go strawberry. 00:06:10.553 --> 00:06:12.672 [yelling] 'Cause that's what you said it says! 00:06:12.672 --> 00:06:14.054 I didn't say it! 00:06:14.054 --> 00:06:18.611 If I said it I'd be going strawberry all over the shop, mate. 00:06:22.604 --> 00:06:27.508 My wife thinks I'm overreacting, right? And I know that that looks bad, 00:06:27.508 --> 00:06:30.352 I realize that, but let me tell you this: it comes from a good place. 00:06:30.352 --> 00:06:33.712 I want my son to be educated. I want him to have the world at his feet. 00:06:33.712 --> 00:06:34.960 I don't want him to be a moron. 00:06:34.960 --> 00:06:36.786 I don't wanna knock on his door in 20 years' time. 00:06:36.786 --> 00:06:40.184 He opens it, he's just scratching himself, "Heu heu, all right, Dad? 00:06:41.644 --> 00:06:43.752 "How ya doin'?" I say to him, "What's wrong with you?" 00:06:43.752 --> 00:06:46.961 He says, "I think I'm allergic to clingfilm." 00:06:47.618 --> 00:06:50.002 Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Romesh Ranganathan. 00:06:50.002 --> 00:06:51.556 Thank you, good night! 00:06:51.556 --> 00:06:56.410 [applause, music]