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How have you found Russia so far, Mr Gold?
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Well, it's a great country, Vlad.
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I'm having a heck of a time.
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Yes, yes... let's get down to business, shall we?
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You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?
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That's why I'm here...
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Yes... So, you've narrowed down your selection to two women
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from our online database...
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Are you ready to meet them in person before you make your final choice?
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Yes, please! I am so ready!
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Alright.
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Katya! Svetlana!
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Look at them!
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I am instantly in love!
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Yes, they thought you might be...
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Now, before we go any further,
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I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.
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How much cheaper?
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10 dollars.
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Oh, OK.
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This is going to be very, very hard.
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Can they understand what we're saying?
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No, not at all.
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Alright. Let's see .... Hm....
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Katya has a very beautiful face.
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She looks young and healthy and clean...
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Yes...
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But Svetlana is 10 dollars cheaper.
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Yes.
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Svetlana looks like you pulled her out of a drain.
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Like a shower drain.
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You know, hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo...
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Yes...
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Mildew, dead skin, just like, you know...
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oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain...
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Yes, from mildew in this drain...
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But...
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10 dollars cheaper.
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This is tough...
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I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?
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Not at all!
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Katya? What are some of your interests?
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[in fake Russian]
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[answers in fake Russian]
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She says: sewing, pleasing my husband and playing tennis.
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And Svetlana?
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[in fake Russian]
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[answers in fake Russian]
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Svetlana has no interests.
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And which one is cheaper again?
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Svetlana.
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Right. Svetlana.
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By 10 dollars.
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So Katya is 60.000 dollars, and Svetlana is 59.990 dollars.
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Exactly.
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Damn. How am I ever gonna choose?
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Perhaps we can ask the ladies to wink at you?
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Would that help?
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Well, couldn't hurt.
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[in fake Russian]
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[answers in fake Russian]
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Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.
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Great!
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[in fake Russian]
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Svetlana cannot wink. Only blink.
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Wow!
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So basically it's a choice between Katya or this one and 10 dollars.
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Yes.
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OK.
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Guilty pleasures?
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[in fake Russian]
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[both answer in fake Russian]
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Katya - oral sex, Svetlana - heroin.
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[in fake Russian]
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Svetlana would like to show her talent to you.
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Oh! Great. I would love that.
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[singing in fake Russian]
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Hmmm...
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Still not convinced either way.
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One more question. OK. Have either of them been married before?
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[in fake Russian]
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Nyet.
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Katya no.
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[in fake Russian]
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Svetlana was married a long time.
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He was the love of her life.
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Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her.
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So in his sleep, she killed him with her fists
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and also a rope. Then she remembered that it was her own lipstick mark she found on his neck.
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But it was far too late.
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He was dead.
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Wow! I guess it's pretty clear who the right choice for me is ...
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Which one is cheaper again?
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Svetlana!
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Oh, this is so haaard!
