How have you found Russia so far, Mr Gold?
Well, it's a great country, Vlad.
I'm having a heck of a time.
Yes, yes... let's get down to business, shall we?
You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?
That's why I'm here...
Yes... So, you've narrowed down your selection to two women
from our online database...
Are you ready to meet them in person before you make your final choice?
Yes, please! I am so ready!
Alright.
Katya! Svetlana!
Look at them!
I am instantly in love!
Yes, they thought you might be...
Now, before we go any further,
I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.
How much cheaper?
10 dollars.
Oh, OK.
This is going to be very, very hard.
Can they understand what we're saying?
No, not at all.
Alright. Let's see .... Hm....
Katya has a very beautiful face.
She looks young and healthy and clean...
Yes...
But Svetlana is 10 dollars cheaper.
Yes.
Svetlana looks like you pulled her out of a drain.
Like a shower drain.
You know, hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo...
Yes...
Mildew, dead skin, just like, you know...
oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain...
Yes, from mildew in this drain...
But...
10 dollars cheaper.
This is tough...
I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?
Not at all!
Katya? What are some of your interests?
[in fake Russian]
[answers in fake Russian]
She says: sewing, pleasing my husband and playing tennis.
And Svetlana?
[in fake Russian]
[answers in fake Russian]
Svetlana has no interests.
And which one is cheaper again?
Svetlana.
Right. Svetlana.
By 10 dollars.
So Katya is 60.000 dollars, and Svetlana is 59.990 dollars.
Exactly.
Damn. How am I ever gonna choose?
Perhaps we can ask the ladies to wink at you?
Would that help?
Well, couldn't hurt.
[in fake Russian]
[answers in fake Russian]
Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.
Great!
[in fake Russian]
Svetlana cannot wink. Only blink.
Wow!
So basically it's a choice between Katya or this one and 10 dollars.
Yes.
OK.
Guilty pleasures?
[in fake Russian]
[both answer in fake Russian]
Katya - oral sex, Svetlana - heroin.
[in fake Russian]
Svetlana would like to show her talent to you.
Oh! Great. I would love that.
[singing in fake Russian]
Hmmm...
Still not convinced either way.
One more question. OK. Have either of them been married before?
[in fake Russian]
Nyet.
Katya no.
[in fake Russian]
Svetlana was married a long time.
He was the love of her life.
Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her.
So in his sleep, she killed him with her fists
and also a rope. Then she remembered that it was her own lipstick mark she found on his neck.
But it was far too late.
He was dead.
Wow! I guess it's pretty clear who the right choice for me is ...
Which one is cheaper again?
Svetlana!
Oh, this is so haaard!