If Horror Movies Weren't Scary!

Hey, guys! So I watch
a lot of scary movies now,

and, honestly, I used to hate
them when I was younger.

But now then I started making videos
and realized how fake they are.

Now I actually enjoy them,
but I'm not gonna lie.

In the back of my mind,
whenever I'm watching horror movies,

I want to get scared, but I'm thinking
of all these other random scenarios

of how the movie could've went instead.

Just like every single October, I go
on a horror movie watching spree.

Horror, not whore.
HOR-ROR.

Hodor.
(deep voice) Hodor.

But the majority of the time, I kinda
just ruin the movie for myself

'cause instead of just sitting
there and falling into the story

of the movie, I'm always
looking for other things.

How did they make that?
How did they do that effect?

Who made those costumes?
I wonder how long that person

had to sit in makeup.
I bet this was going to happen.

I still don't know what the fox says!

But the thing that ruins it the most
for me is that when I'm watching

these movies, I'm always
thinking of other scenarios

of how the movie could've went.
And because I've been watching

so many horror movies lately,
I've been jotting all these ideas down

on my phone, and that's why
this video was created.

So for all of you who watch horror movies,
I'm sorry, I don't mean to ruin

the movie for you guys.

But on the bright side,
for all of you people who hate

scary movies and can't watch them,
hopefully you can watch this video

and it'll ruin the horror movies for you
the same way it does for me.

So with that being said, this is what
horror movies would be like

if they weren't scary.

Mwahahahaha!

(high-pitched laugh)

♪ (scary music) ♪

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

(thunder rumbles)

(screaming)

You'll never stop me!

- Begone, demon!
- Give me back my daughter!

Your daughter's already gone!

You are not welcome in this realm!

Begone, demon!
Leave this girl alone!

You'll never get rid
of me, you filthy priest!

(growling)

By the name of God, and/or any
other religion that you believe in,

because we respect other people's religion
and do not judge...

By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you

husband and wiiiiiiiife!

(room grows quiet)

Sorry, I kinda spilled
a little bit on the bed.

Wait, do that again.

(shrieking)

I think she's weakened by water.

Huh. Well, whaddya know!

All those deaths could've been
avoided if we just used water.

(demon continues shrieking)

♪ (cheerful music) ♪

(laughter)

(shrieking)

Hold on, this is taking too long.
I have a really good idea.

- What?
- Remember that one trend we were gonna do?

(gasping)

(groaning)

Hey, whazzup?
It's your boy, the priest,

and we got the demon right here,
who volunteered to do the ALS

Ice Bucket Challenge.
So here we go.

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

(saw buzzes)

(gun shot)

Ow! What was that?

- See?
- Oooh!

It hurts, huh?

This is Texas.
Everybody has a gun.

It's time to upgrade, man.

(groaning)

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

They say after you watch this tape,
someone calls your house and says,

"Seven days."

Then a little girl crawls out of your TV
and kills you seven days later.

♪ (ominous music) ♪

Gotta be really honest with you...

this entire legend sounds really outdated.

You said I have to watch this tape.
How am I gonna do that?

I don't have a VCR.
Nobody watches tapes anymore.

This little girl needs to upgrade
to a DVD, or at least a Blu-ray.

And you said somebody's
gonna call my house?

Nobody can call my house.
I don't have a landline.

If anything, she would have to call
my cellphone, and I'm not gonna

answer some random phone number!
And then you said she's gonna

crawl out of my TV.
Nobody watches TV anymore!

Maybe if she crawled out of my laptop.
And that's a 15 inch screen

she would have to crawl through.
She would have to be really small.

If a girl that small were to kill me--

Ow! What the hell, dude?!

There. Ebola.
Now you really have seven days.

I don't know why I even told you.

(mutters angrily)

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

(panting)

♪ (ominous music) ♪

(gasps)

Hmm.

Hmm.

- (snaps camera)
- Hmm.

(shutter clicks repeatedly)

♪ (whimsical music) ♪

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

(whimpering)

(monster groans)

Oh...my...god!

You're aca-perfect!

Guys, I am telling you.
She's gonna be perfect for the bass.

But is she pitch perfect material?

Show 'em.

(low pitched groan)

Whoa!

That is deep!

- What'd I tell you?
- Impressive.

- Nice.
- Dubstep routine on one.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ (dubstepping) ♪

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

(birds chirp)

- (baaing)
- Shut up! Shhh. Shh. Shhh. Shhhh.

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

I don't know how to put this.

I don't believe your son
is actually in a coma.

I don't understand.
We moved,

and these things keep happening!
Why do they keep following us?

Because it's not the house that's haunted.

It's your son.

♪ (ominous music) ♪

(snoring)

There we go.

What? You heard him.
There's nothing we could've done.

He was insidious.

But now he's outsidious.

(panned laughter)

♪ (upbeat reggae) ♪

Spirit of the realm...

are there any of you with us right now?

It says, "Ye."

Can you show us a sign that you're here?

(gasping)

♪ (mystic chanting) ♪

Maybe it was...maybe it was the wind.

Can you show us another
sign that you're here?

♪ (mystic chanting) ♪

I told you.

Why do they keep coming to me?

I think it...I think it likes you!

- Heh.
- What? No, you guys don't know that for sure.

Come on, man.
The chocolate and the roses?

- It does like you.
- You think so?

Aw, look, he's blushing. (chuckles)

I mean...I...

♪ (romantic music) ♪

And that was the first time we met.

I couldn't take my eyes off her
because, well,

they were never on her.

But even though I couldn't see her,
I knew...I had to see her again.

Ugh.

(Nigahiga sighs heavily)

You're...

even more beautiful
than I could've ever imagined.

(gasps)

♪ (romantic music) ♪

(gasps)

(panting)

(groans) What a crazy nightmare.

Thank god it's over, though.

(raspy voice) Or is it?

(gasps)

(frantic breathing)

Oh man.

This is really starting to get craz--

(low pitched groaning)

(gasps)

(gasping continues)

- Eee!
- (gasps)

- (gasping)
- ♪ (dubstep beat) ♪

(bleating)

Are you sure she's pitch-perfect material?

- ♪ (dubstep) ♪
- Oh, that is deep.

Yeah, that got weird fast.

And that last one about the Ouija board,
that was just based off the trailer

that they're playing
on the TV all the time now.

On the--I said on the TV.
I sound like a 60 year old man.

They play that on the TV, right?

It's getting even weirder!
I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead.

I'm not ahead.
I'm behind!

But thank you guys, again,
so much for watching.

I hope you guys have
a very happy and safe Halloween.

And for once, in my YouTube life,
on a Halloween related video,

I'm not gonna put up
one of those scary, loud images.

You know, that scares the crap
out of you guys in three, two, one.

Like I said, I'm not gonna do it.

For once.

Which is weird.

(dead air)

It's actually even more scary, I think,
that I'm not doing that,

'cause it's like,
"What is he gonna do?"

You know?

(sighs)

Teehee!

So thank you guys so much for watching.
If you wanna see...

(shrieking)

..bloopers and behind-the-scenes,
click the one on the left.

If you want to see last week's video,
click the one on the right.

And if you want to see anything
that's Halloween related,

there's no place else to click,
so just click one of those.

- Ha ha.
- (low pitched groan)

- And remember--
- (low pitch groan)

Shut up, Derek!

[captioned by www.facebook.com/subtitleyoutube]