Back From Madness: The Struggle For Sanity

This 1996 documentary provides an insider's view of mental illness, amd the use of psychotropic drugs to alleviate some of its symptoms. Tracks the odyssey of four psychiatric patients, beginning with their arrival at Massachusetts General Hospital and the affiliated Lindemann Center, revealing their personal struggles and inner strength as they enter the world of psychiatric treatment to seek relief from insanity.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(static hissing)

(somber orchestral music)

>> It's hard to imagine

what it's like to lose your sanity.

To watch helplessly as you
change from normal to mad

and then hope you can change back.

For the better part of the century,

psychiatric patients were
relegated to the back wards

and given crude and desperate treatments.

That was the best medical
science could offer.

Severe mental illness,
once thought to be caused

by bad parents or evil spirits,

is now viewed as the
result of faulty genes,

illness within the brain itself.

Because of a recent
revolution in neuroscience

there are new biological treatments

for the millions who are needy enough

and brave enough to try them.

(medical machine beeping)

Yet despite all the advances,

the struggle to find the way
back from madness continues.

>> Can you tell us

what is that that's bothering you?

>> I lost my mind.

>> You lost your mind?

How can we help you with that?

(patient mumbles)

I'm sorry, I can't--

>> Give it back.

>> Give it back to you?

(siren blaring)

>> I want a cup of coffee with dog food.

>> Okay.

>> That puts me in (stammering) it's true.

Dog food, that's what, I'm a dog!

I was born as a dog!

I want you to start my Haldol back.

(doctors and patients chattering)

Ooh, there's a spider.

>> Look, there's a spider.

(patients chattering)

>> I'm not paranoid schizophrenia.

I just know what I'm talking about.

It's not my fault, blame Jesus.

>> Like I said yesterday, all
I wanted them to embrace me.

'Cause, like, I'm lost

because people in here don't accept me

and people out there don't accept me.

It's like the only one
that accepts Todd is Todd.

'Cause I can see society, you know?

And it's just like this.

(tapping on window)

That's keepin' me from them, you know?

'Cause like, I'm in a glass
cage lookin' out at them

and I can't be out there
with them, you know.

>> I know whose it is.

They come up with a--

>> This doctor thinks
there's this voice in my head

named Andrew, you know, that's tellin' me

to do all these things, you know.

She's supposedly my doctor, you know,

and you see the big
doctor-client trust we have.

>> If he goes back out
on the streets untreated

on the wrong medicines

that he's in danger of
hurting somebody pretty badly.

The interesting thing is
when he did take medication

that he was in much better shape.

>> There's a state law.

I can refuse medications.

>> Medication.

Medication!

>> She basically wants to get
me on four different drugs

and I don't want that to happen.

You know what it's like to take Haldol?

Do you know what it's like to take

some of the other psychiatric
drugs they give you?

Turns you into a zombie.

You sleep 14 hours a day.

You can't sit down in one spot.

You can't sit down in one spot.

When I was on Haldol here
for 15 minutes at a time

you get so jittery your hands clamp up.

Give Todd a break.

I'll be out of Massachusetts' hair.

Just let me outta those doors.

I'm goin' back to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

to enjoy paradise like everybody
else that lives down there.

You know, all those rich people

that got all those boats, those yachts

and they got names for
their yachts, you know.

>> You're not gonna have that,

though, if ya go.

>> I won't have a yacht
but I'll have myself

and I'll be free and
that's what I'll have.

>> John, there's a spider

right near you.
>> Lonesome Cowboy Paul

>> Cowboy Paul.

>> (mumbles) smile.
>> Smile.

>> Ordering a swiss burger, medium rare,

and a chicken salad
sandwich on whole wheat.

(bell dings)

(restaurant patrons chattering)

Sometimes at work I do hear voices

and actually people having a conversation

make the hallucination worse.

>> We're having a really good time.

(diners laughing)

>> I start confusing human voices

with the voices of the psychoses.

And I can't really, and the voices

just start all blending together.

Sometimes it's really
difficult to tune them out,

but I really, I just
sort of bite my tongue

and I just keep going.

What?

>> I said I think that oughta be plenty.

>> Okay.

(diners chattering)

>> Nice.

It looks very good.

(diners chattering)

Probably about two years
ago I felt like somebody

was, like, watching me do my homework

and then I just started hearing
these voices from the sky.

I was in my dorm room for three days.

I didn't eat, I didn't sleep

and I went from being a really
functional, outgoing student,

I had a complete nervous breakdown.

I couldn't cross the street.

I almost got killed by a bus.

Eight hours would go by,
it seemed like a minute.

I'd just be in, like, this
trance in this little world

and you couldn't talk to me
and I couldn't hear anybody.

I did my work.

I turned my papers in on
time, but I'd be alone

in my solitude and I'd just
be crying all the time.

I got to the point where I was like

I can't live this way and I would swallow

a box of sleeping pills
and then I'd change my mind

and I'd make myself throw them up.

And I never told anybody
but I'd always get up

the next day and I'd take
a shower and comb my hair

and turn in my Greek
homework and nobody knew.

Nobody knew I was having problems.

>> I met you last week.

>> Mm-hm.
>> Yes.

Okay.

>> Has there been a period of time

where you've gone a week
or more without voices?

>> No, I hear them all the time.

>> So it's a constant
daily struggle for you.

>> Yeah.

>> What we're gonna do
is start Clozapine today.

Everything seems fine.

Your white blood cell count is fine,

which means that we can go ahead

and start the Clozapine, okay?

So, the most important
side effect is the risk

of the medication lowering
your white blood cell count.

>> Right.

>> So that's why when
you return to school,

you'll have to get a
blood test once a week.

See the doctor and get your medication.

>> You just wanna pull your sweater up.

>> Naomi is someone who
seems to have schizophrenia.

Clozapine is a new
medication that we have found

to be superior to all other
antipsychotic medications,

so if there's any hope for
Naomi to remain functional,

Clozapine is it.

>> Right now, like I'm really
sick, so, it's frightening.

You know, I hear voices
and the more stressed

and worried I am the harder
they are to deal with

because then the voices
tend to be very negative.

So that, like, the more I
worry and the more I stress,

the more negative they are,
the more distracting they are.

I think it's just a downward cycle.

There's nothing worse in this
world than losing your sanity.

I grew up with it.

I was used to seeing it.

All I knew was insanity.

(somber orchestral music)

My father has manic depression.

My middle brother is
also a manic depressive

and my mom is schizophrenic.

My mom was committed after I was born.

She had shock treatments.

She's been sick my whole life.

I was used to it.

I was used to her screaming obscenities

and talking to herself
and carrying around knives

and I could never understand why.

I never understood, why don't you stop it?

Why don't you stop it and be my mommy.

Why are you saying all
these irrational things

I can't understand.

What frightens me the most is that,

you know, that I end up like my mother.

I wanna leave my mark on the world.

Not a big mark, just a
little mark, you know.

I wanna be an English professor,

so maybe like an old dusty
book in a library somewhere

that nobody reads, a
few classes, you know.

And there's just certain
things I just wanna fulfill

and it's frightening sometimes.

I don't know if I can do it.

>> Glen?
>> Yeah.

>> Hi, I'm Kathy Moony.

I'm one of the nurses
here in the holding area

and I'm gonna take you
in and get you ready

for surgery, okay?

>> Okay.
>> So come with me.

(patients and doctors chattering)

Okay, I'm just gonna have you
remove your bathrobe, okay?

Yeah, and you can get
right up onto this bed

and I'll cover you up with a blanket.

>> This is the frame you're gonna wear

when we do the MR scan.

It's not too heavy, and we just put it

right on your head like so.

Get it over your nose.
>> I've been

a photographer all my life.

About three years ago I had to
give it up due to my illness.

>> If you feel any sharp
pain, you just let us know.

We can put some more freezing--

>> I have obsessive compulsive disorder

and you can't have OCD
and be a happy person.

It just doesn't work that way.

>> Just on the left.
>> Just on the left side?

>> Because you do things that you know

are actually very stupid
and you know better

and you just can't stop it.

I can look at things and I
don't believe what I see.

And therefore I don't double check,

I check 10, 15, 20, 30
times the same thing.

I check things because
everything has to be perfect.

I have to make sure my shoes
are laced up exactly perfect.

I'll go into my closet and
I gotta check to make sure

that it's my coat.

Well, nobody lives with me.

Naturally it's my coat.

I wanna stay clean.

A little is good, more is better

so the hotter the water,
the cleaner my hands.

The more soap I use, the cleaner my hands.

And I would say in a day I use anywhere

from a bar of soap to a
bar and a half of soap.

I could be back here
anywhere from a minute

to an hour doing the same thing.

Sometimes I walk out and I will decide

to take my shoes off and come back in

and repeat the whole thing again.

Like, I've lost all my confidence

in the mechanics of the camera.

I would be checking everything so much

that finally the dad or the
groom would yell down to me,

"Would you take your damn picture?"

(somber orchestral music)

When I was growing up I was very shy

and at a very young age
never wanted to get dirty.

I knew something wasn't right.

And it's reasons, I've
been divorced twice.

My girlfriend is the real
reason I'm here today,

kinda risking my life
to have this operation.

I'm pretty nervous now
and I'm pretty scared.

And a lot of things could go wrong

that would be a thousand times worse

than just washing my hands.

>> Here you can see

the selected target site in the cingulum.

And the tip of our electrode
will be inserted down

to this point and the lesion will be made

in the anterior cingulum just like so.

One on the right, one on the left.

The cingulotomy is an
operation on the brain.

We actually destroy a small part

of the brain that is hyperactive.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Now Glen, this shouldn't hurt.

You may feel some
pressure, but it shouldn't

hurt you at all, okay?

>> All right.

>> In the past surgery procedures

that were done were crude.

That's not hurting you, right?

You just hear a sound and a vibration?

The lobotomies that were performed

in the '30s and '40s were done

because there was no
other effective treatment,

but five to 10 percent of the people

died from the operation.

(dramatic orchestral music)

It was a procedure that was
almost indiscriminately applied.

>> Transorbital lobotomy

has further advantages in
that it leaves no scar.

It is performed through an operating field

that is normally sterile
and the stiff tarsal plate

forms an ideal reinforcement--

>> There were tremendous side effects

associated with the procedure.

There was cognitive impairment, seizures,

memory disturbance, personality change.

The cingulotomy is a very safe procedure.

(soft orchestral music)

First we're gonna insert the probe.

Can you wiggle your toes, Glen, again?

Good.

Okay, we're gonna start the lesion.

Get a temperature.

>> (mumbles) degrees.

>> Okay, we're making the lesion.

Make the lesion.

Temperature going up.

How you doing, Glen?

>> Okay.
>> You okay?

>> Yeah.

>> We're almost done now, all right?

You've done very, very well.

Everything's gone just fine.

We're almost done.

We're just closing the skin.

We'll get this frame off your head

and put a little bandage on and get you

onto a more comfortable bed.

I got your neck.

Oh, watch his nose.

Okay, now get him a pillow,
get him a comfy pillow here.

Great, wiggle your fingers for us.

Great.

You did very well.

You can still play the piano.

>> Still play the piano.

>> Great.

>> Could you play it before?

>> No.
(doctors and nurses chuckle)

>> Glen, everything went very nicely

and you did very well, okay?

>> Huh?

>> Everything went very nicely.

>> Huh?
>> (chuckles) You did well.

(nurses chuckling)

(orchestral music)

>> Over the last two years

there's been a very serious depression.

Then over the last six months

it's gotten increasingly worse.

Physically it gets to the point

where all I can do is lay in bed all day.

And mentally and emotionally
it gets to the point

where I'd rather be dead
than living the way I am.

It's not such an active
feeling of death or suicide.

There's just a feeling that
nothing can be worse than that

and the only way to alleviate
the pain is to be dead.

I'm holding off a real
attempt towards suicide

because if I do try it again,

I don't want it to be
something that fails.

I want it to be something
that'll be successful,

so I won't have to go through the trouble

or the misery of having to
face everyone if it failed.

I'm a musician and I
haven't been able to play.

All I see is the thing
that I've prepared to do

my whole life is just not going anywhere.

(orchestral music)

The first time I ever played music I guess

was when I was two I used to
crawl up and play the piano.

I started playing viola when I was nine.

I went to Juilliard for my Masters Degree.

I played with the Juilliard Orchestra

in New York and in France and I played

with the Tanglewood
Music Center Orchestra,

the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.

It's just the thing
I've always wanted to do

and it's not gonna be
possible if I'm like this.

It feels like this is my last hope

for something that can
completely make me well.

>> Come on in and we're
gonna do the treatment

in a couple of minutes.

>> Okay.

(machines beeping)

>> Doctor Drop is going to
inject your medications,

a short acting sleeping medication

and then a muscle relaxant.

For you it's gonna be like
taking a five minute nap.

>> Okay.
>> All right?

You're gonna be going to
sleep in a few seconds.

Okay, you're gonna start to feel yourself

getting a little sleepy now.

(machine beeping)

Electroconvulsive therapy is simply

the intentional induction
of a grand mal seizure

under very controlled circumstances.

For some reason seizure
normalizes brain chemistry

through mechanisms that we
really don't understand.

The treatment electrodes are going on.

Looks good.

Now, if we didn't medicate
the patient first,

it would be a violent treatment

and it was when it was first invented.

(somber orchestral music)

During the post-war era,
the treatment was overused

and sometimes indiscriminately used.

Patients frequently had bone fractures

during this treatment before
the use of muscle relaxants.

In the past ECT was done with a technique

which caused a great deal
of memory disturbance.

And consequently I think
many people experienced

severe impairment of their
memory and their intellect.

It's a different
treatment now technically.

Here's the stimulus.

>> We're at .75 seconds stimulus duration.

(machine beeping)

>> Good seizure, good generalization.

And that's the end of the seizure.

>> Done.

>> You had your treatment.

You're all done, okay?

Probably feelin' a little
bit groggy right now.

All right, but that's from the medication.

>> I've been feeling very
bad for about two years.

And now I had my ECT, my first
ECT treatment two days ago

and now I feel miraculously better

and that isn't just an
adverb to go with it.

It really is miraculous.

I think, um...

Just everything, I mean,

the way I'm thinking, the way I feel,

the way I look at everything and can see

and perceive everything is different now.

(viola music)

(viola music goes out of tune)

Oh, I can't do this.

(viola music)

I can't do this.

(out of tune viola music)

It makes me sad that I can't
play my viola. (exhales)

But I don't know.

I just don't know how
I'm supposed to feel now.

>> So it's been awhile.

>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.

About almost three months really.

>> Yeah.

>> The medication, what's it been like?

The Klonopin.
>> I've had, like,

a really hard time with it.

>> Yeah.
>> It's just very hard

for me to get up in the morning.

I'm very sick in the morning
and I'm still hearing voices.

I took a harder schedule than I should've.

I was fine.

Like, I went to school and
I had the psychotic symptoms

and stuff, but my classes weren't,

I mean, I learned a lot, they were hard,

but they weren't as hard as this.

So, I'm gonna have to
take incomplete or two

and falling a little behind,
but I'm dealing with it.

Like, people need their solitude?

Like, I don't feel like
I have a private life

or any sort of solitude at all.

>> Okay, so it's a really hard time.

>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.

>> Are you still optimistic?

>> I don't know, I guess
should be 'cause they say

part of it is psychological.

Like, you have to want the
medicine to work to work,

so I guess I should be,
but I'm a little skeptical.

>> I mean, I am a little,

this is, like, the fifth
medicine I've been on.

I want it to work but at the same time

I sort of wonder if I'm
gonna have to live this way

for the rest of my life.

(siren blaring)

>> Hi, Naomi?

I just wanna make sure you're
clear on what's happening.

You know from what I've
heard from your roommate,

you know, and also from your brother,

Harry called me as well.

I know that things apparently got

out of control in the apartment.

Apparently at this point we're gonna

have to try something different.

Unfortunately, the Clozaril just wasn't

doing what we hoped it would.

All right, I know you don't wanna talk

and so I don't wanna push you about that.

Okay, but we will try
to do whatever we can

to make you comfortable.

You know, if you have
questions please ask.

If you have questions about
what's going on, please ask.

We'll explain it to you.

You know, and as we come up with a plan

about what to do about the medication

to try to control the symptoms,

you know obviously we'll go over that

and explain that with you also.

(somber orchestral music)

Is there anything you
want to say or ask me?

Okay.

Okay, so I'm gonna be going now.

(waves crashing)

>> This is nice isn't it?

It's beautiful.

They've got goldfish, turtles,

minnows, guppies.

This is paradise.

To me this is medication, you know.

Makes me wanna sing.

♫ Edel-vine

♫ Edel-vine

♫ Dance may you bloom and grow

♫ Bloom and grow forever

You might wanna catch the
front and see the eagle.

The truth is I get high
without taking my medications.

Anybody that's addicted to highs

doesn't wanna give it up.

Nobody wants to come down.

I don't wanna come down.

I am still alive!

I'd rather live with my disease
than take these damn pills.

I've struggled with this
bastard disease my whole life.

>> What are you doin' up there, Todd?

>> Being me.

It's like this big huge
rock that I have to carry.

And I don't ask no one to
help me carry this rock.

I'll carry my own self.

That's beauty.

That's an eagle!

Woo!

I don't have anybody
tellin' me what to do.

I don't have to do nothing.

I do what Todd wants to do.

I control my life.

Go guys!

Suppertime!

I like these seagulls
better than I do humans.

(somber orchestral music)

>> When he was younger he
was just kinda carefree

like any other baby.

He didn't start changing until he had

to start nursery school at age four.

And then he found it a little hard

to adjust to other children.

He just became overwhelmed easily.

You know, he was a cute little guy.

Real cute.

You know, real playful and
he was extremely athletic.

He was very active,
always wanted to travel

'cause he was kind of a restless boy.

And then he was real, real good in sports

in high school and that he lived for.

He did real well with that
up until his sophomore year

when he had a real bad
race 'cause he fell down.

He fell down at the state meet

and the coach thought he was on drugs.

And of course it was totally devastating

and then he, all the kids,
he wasn't voted captain

the next year and so he quit.

So it was very traumatic for him.

(somber orchestral music)

We're a middle class working family

and you don't expect these things

to happen to your children.

You don't expect to have a child go out

in the street and sleep
and that's very hard.

>> I donate plasma.

I get Social Security.

And, uh, I go to churches and
I basically ask, you know.

>> And how much do you
get for donating plasma?

>> $10, that's it.

And you get colds like
you wouldn't believe.

You get colds, you get
sick, you feel drained.

Sometimes you feel like you
wanna pass out, you know?

But ya need money, you know?

Ya need to survive.

And if they found out I was mentally ill

they'd cut me off just like that.

Come follow me and I'll show you my home.

I live right behind the
Greyhound Bus station.

That's my home.

Come on.

This is my patio.

And this is my home.

Home sweet home.

It doesn't bother me.

Maybe it bothers my body.

My body might break down
but my mind doesn't mind,

you know what I mean?

>> What's that over there on the wall?

>> That's feces.

It's shit.

It's how I mark my territory.

>> What do those marks mean?

>> You're not welcome.

They're already checkin'
us out, we should go.

>> Who's checkin' us out?
>> That guy did.

Let's go.

>> Does he know you sleep there?

>> No.

My freedom is the most
meaningful thing of my life.

I'm not gonna give it up for nobody.

You don't understand that I'm at war.

Let's bail, gentlemen.

I'm at war.

And I'm winning.

You see me locked in a nut ward?

I am winning.

(airplane rumbling)

>> Well, I came here
from Seattle to follow up

on my surgery and I brought
my girlfriend, Maureen,

for company and because I was nervous.

>> Have you noticed any improvement,

any worsening in any way?

>> When he's with me he seems okay.

>> Yeah.

>> I think the biggest
disappointment in it for me

is that in my private life
when Maureen is not around

and I'm in my own apartment and whatever,

is that I'm no different than I was.

I'm no different.

>> I think I see an improvement.

Well, when I first met Glen
he could not shoot anymore.

We now do weddings together

and before he could not trust his f-stop.

>> Clearly the underlying illness has not

been dramatically changed,
although there are some modest,

I guess you would agree
maybe modest improvements.

Having said that, there
is a percentage of people

that will get better after a second

and after a third procedure.

The operation is exactly
the same as the first one.

The lesions we make on the first time

are fairly small, and the second procedure

we simply enlarge that.

What would you think
about a second procedure?

>> Not right away because
the first procedure

was so painful that I still

remember it.
>> You remember it.

>> So vividly.

And also...

it's too soon.

>> It's easy for me to
say, but it seems like

to go this far and not
pursue it to the end

would seem kind of futile.

>> Okay, that's good right there.

Lower your head down just a little bit.

That's fine.

(camera clicks)

>> Great.

Pose me.

>> I'll be gettin' one more.

>> When I first met Glen,
his hands were cracked

and bleeding and bleeding
all over the cameras.

>> I'm gonna bracket a couple.

>> Now they look much better.

My fear is that he'll give up.

>> That's it.

>> I keep tellin' him,

you're not out to pasture yet.

You can improve.

>> That's what I want, just like that.

I just end up going back
and forth to doctors.

Things just keep creepin' up

and I get older everyday and
pretty soon I'm thinkin',

you know, by the time I,
if I ever do get cured,

I'll be so old I'll probably
die within three days

after I get cured.

That's beautiful.

Hold on a second.

(camera clicks)

With the windsurfer.

(camera clicks)

>> I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Right now I just wanna
get through college.

Well, since I've been in the hospital

I slowly started getting better.

I was really frightened
and paranoid for awhile.

I wouldn't talk to anybody

and they put me on Depakote and Risperdal.

Then I slowly started getting better.

I started feeling better.

>> What's going on now

in terms of hearing voices?

>> I don't hear any voices.

>> You don't hear any voices at all?

>> I hear two, but they're
not, they're pleasant.

And they're very vague and
they're very far removed from me.

I'm working at the Barnard
Book Forum right now.

It's right across the
street from my school.

According to this it's $2.95.

>> $2.95, okay.

>> I wish I was graduating.

I feel like I've been left behind.

But I'm going back to school
and I'll graduate eventually.

Most of my symptoms have gone away.

I don't really hear anything anymore

and I don't really feel sick anymore.

Like, I feel normal again.

>> After how long?

>> Three years.

>> Must be a great feeling.

>> Yeah.

It's a good feeling.

I had to make an adjustment, though.

Like, the voices sort of kept me company.

Like, I'd have these long
philosophical conversations

with them about life and God.

I know that sounds really
crazy, but it was interesting.

And now I'm, like, by myself all the time.

So it's kind of weird.

The silence is a little eerie sometimes.

But I'm doing much better.

I think a combination of
Adam and the medication

has helped my recovery.

I can't get up.

>> Want some help?

>> Adam's really
supportive, he's very sweet.

Whoa!

He's very caring.

And he's just a very special person

>> Whoa.

>> You can't get me up.

I can't get up.

>> You can hold on, come on.

>> Woo!

I've been seeing him
for about five months,

five and a half months.

>> That hurt?

>> It hurt my wrist.

He introduced himself when
I was in the hospital.

I was leaning against the wall.

I was selectively mute.

I was a little paranoid delusional.

I was dressed in this
horrible hospital gown,

just looked terrible.

He came up to me and introduced himself

and he told me later 'cause he thought

I looked cute. (laughs)

When I was in St. Luke's
I would never imagine

that six months later I would
have a very sweet boyfriend.

I really thought my life was over

when I was on that gurney.

I really thought everything was,

I thought I was gonna
be committed for life.

I thought I was gonna be there forever.

So, I have to try to rebuild
a new life for myself.

That's all very hard starting over.

And you never know what happens.

I could get sick again.

So I'm sure it's gonna
be a very rough road.

>> Todd.
>> Yeah, hi.

>> What happened?

>> Nothing.

They just said that I smashed some windows

and harassing phone calls.

Nothing too, I didn't
kill nobody or nothin',

so it's not so bad.

It's just some people's word over mine.

>> How long have you been in for?

>> Near a month.

>> You've been in here for a month?

>> Mm-hm.

>> What's it like?

>> It's violent.

It's racial.

I witnessed one dude get his
ear taken off in a fight.

I was laughin'.

I was absolutely laughin'.

You know, it was like
they were slow dancing

and this dude's got the
other dude by the ear,

he's goin' (growls).

(men laugh)

I had to get a laugh out of it, you know.

>> How does this compare
to the state hospital?

You know, we first filmed you about--

>> This is better than
the Lindemann Center.

This is better than the
Lindemann Center, okay?

It's better.

>> Why?

>> Don't have any roaches.

The food is about the same.

You got more area to walk around in.

>> You'd rather be here

than be in the hospital,
is that what you're saying?

>> Exactly. Exactly.

Because here I know that
I can go to court, right?

And they can give me not as much time

as what the Lindemann Center
woulda gave me, right?

You know how much time
they wanted to give me?

Six fucking months, all right.

>> In that state hospital

where we first filmed you.
>> In that state hospital.

Right, six months.

>> Are you takin' your medicine?

>> Yeah, I'm takin' my medicine.

>> Does that make a difference for you?

>> That was then, this is now.

You know, things change with the weather.

>> In other words, do
you need your lithium?

>> Yes, I do.

I do need my lithium.

That was a different person back then.

A total different person.

I'm a different person
when I'm off my medication.

>> Let me ask you,

do you think you belong
here with convicts?

Or you think you belong in a hospital?

Where do you belong?

>> I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

(gavel thudding)

(crowd chattering)

>> The first number, 118.

I might wanna double that also.

>> Okay.
>> With him.

(musicians chattering)

(instruments tuning up)

>> This is the first time

that I've been playing since I've had ECT.

So I'm very nervous and just very anxious

about having to see all these people

and get back into a situation
where I'm actually playing.

I mean, it's really just been so long

that I don't see myself so
much as a musician anymore.

I see myself more as a patient, actually.

>> Measure nine.

(orchestral music)

>> So, it's something that
used to feel so natural

and so matter of fact
now feels so foreign.

So, I'm just nervous.

>> It's outta tune.

But no accent, no accent on that da-dum.

The figure is

♫ Daaa da dum

not

♫ Dum duh dum ba dum

I need to hear the F sharp,
a really nice big F sharp.

♫ Ba ba bum

♫ Baaa da dum

You were changing the strength there?

>> Yeah.

>> Can you not do that?

>> I'm doing it (mumbles).

>> Can you do it all one string?

Yeah.

Bar nine, one, two.

(orchestral music)

>> Through the rehearsals
over the last few days

it's just made me realize how
much I wanna do this again.

I mean, I feel like it's possible

now that the depression is
kind of cleared out of my life.

For such a long time it was there

and it was so overpowering
that I didn't think

there was any way I was
gonna be able to escape it.

I mean, it was just so consuming

that I just didn't think any
of this would be possible.

(orchestral music)

I feel like it's possible
to become a musician again.

(musicians chattering)

Yeah, it was a great day.

Yeah.

It's just really...

>> Bar 10?
>> Yeah.

>> You kicked some ass.

>> Thanks, thanks.

(somber orchestral music)

>> One.

(camera clicks)

Beautiful.

(rhythmic orchestral music)

(static hissing)
(electronic tone reverberates)

(dramatic orchestral music)