0:00:00.000,0:00:03.004
(dramatic orchestral music)

0:00:03.004,0:00:05.754
(static hissing)

0:00:16.142,0:00:19.642
(somber orchestral music)

0:00:34.038,0:00:35.189
>> It's hard to imagine

0:00:35.189,0:00:38.106
what it's like to lose your sanity.

0:00:39.964,0:00:43.739
To watch helplessly as you[br]change from normal to mad

0:00:43.739,0:00:46.572
and then hope you can change back.

0:00:54.020,0:00:56.484
For the better part of the century,

0:00:56.484,0:01:00.127
psychiatric patients were[br]relegated to the back wards

0:01:00.127,0:01:03.544
and given crude and desperate treatments.

0:01:08.861,0:01:12.694
That was the best medical[br]science could offer.

0:01:15.642,0:01:18.436
Severe mental illness,[br]once thought to be caused

0:01:18.436,0:01:21.523
by bad parents or evil spirits,

0:01:21.523,0:01:25.300
is now viewed as the[br]result of faulty genes,

0:01:25.300,0:01:27.967
illness within the brain itself.

0:01:34.716,0:01:37.410
Because of a recent[br]revolution in neuroscience

0:01:37.410,0:01:39.435
there are new biological treatments

0:01:39.435,0:01:41.537
for the millions who are needy enough

0:01:41.537,0:01:43.848
and brave enough to try them.

0:01:43.848,0:01:46.022
(medical machine beeping)

0:01:46.022,0:01:48.161
Yet despite all the advances,

0:01:48.161,0:01:52.172
the struggle to find the way[br]back from madness continues.

0:01:52.172,0:01:53.238
>> Can you tell us

0:01:53.238,0:01:55.450
what is that that's bothering you?

0:01:55.450,0:01:57.526
>> I lost my mind.

0:01:57.526,0:01:59.437
>> You lost your mind?

0:01:59.437,0:02:01.937
How can we help you with that?

0:02:04.909,0:02:06.615
(patient mumbles)

0:02:06.615,0:02:07.489
I'm sorry, I can't--

0:02:07.489,0:02:08.716
>> Give it back.

0:02:08.716,0:02:11.299
>> Give it back to you?

0:02:28.539,0:02:31.206
(siren blaring)

0:02:41.855,0:02:44.782
>> I want a cup of coffee with dog food.

0:02:44.782,0:02:45.615
>> Okay.

0:02:45.615,0:02:49.843
>> That puts me in (stammering) it's true.

0:02:49.843,0:02:52.377
Dog food, that's what, I'm a dog!

0:02:52.377,0:02:54.161
I was born as a dog!

0:02:54.161,0:02:57.165
I want you to start my Haldol back.

0:02:57.165,0:02:59.601
(doctors and patients chattering)

0:02:59.601,0:03:01.761
Ooh, there's a spider.

0:03:01.761,0:03:05.610
>> Look, there's a spider.

0:03:05.610,0:03:08.345
(patients chattering)

0:03:08.345,0:03:10.940
>> I'm not paranoid schizophrenia.

0:03:10.940,0:03:14.160
I just know what I'm talking about.

0:03:14.160,0:03:16.743
It's not my fault, blame Jesus.

0:03:17.578,0:03:20.784
>> Like I said yesterday, all[br]I wanted them to embrace me.

0:03:20.784,0:03:23.112
'Cause, like, I'm lost

0:03:23.112,0:03:25.585
because people in here don't accept me

0:03:25.585,0:03:28.885
and people out there don't accept me.

0:03:28.885,0:03:32.692
It's like the only one[br]that accepts Todd is Todd.

0:03:32.692,0:03:35.684
'Cause I can see society, you know?

0:03:35.684,0:03:36.979
And it's just like this.

0:03:36.979,0:03:38.199
(tapping on window)

0:03:38.199,0:03:40.550
That's keepin' me from them, you know?

0:03:40.550,0:03:44.660
'Cause like, I'm in a glass[br]cage lookin' out at them

0:03:44.660,0:03:48.410
and I can't be out there[br]with them, you know.

0:03:54.058,0:03:57.202
>> I know whose it is.

0:03:57.202,0:03:58.701
They come up with a--

0:03:58.701,0:04:01.633
>> This doctor thinks[br]there's this voice in my head

0:04:01.633,0:04:03.689
named Andrew, you know, that's tellin' me

0:04:03.689,0:04:06.350
to do all these things, you know.

0:04:06.350,0:04:09.003
She's supposedly my doctor, you know,

0:04:09.003,0:04:12.291
and you see the big[br]doctor-client trust we have.

0:04:12.291,0:04:16.528
>> If he goes back out[br]on the streets untreated

0:04:16.528,0:04:18.117
on the wrong medicines

0:04:18.117,0:04:22.983
that he's in danger of[br]hurting somebody pretty badly.

0:04:22.983,0:04:26.372
The interesting thing is[br]when he did take medication

0:04:26.372,0:04:29.906
that he was in much better shape.

0:04:29.906,0:04:31.100
>> There's a state law.

0:04:31.100,0:04:33.183
I can refuse medications.

0:04:36.033,0:04:37.116
>> Medication.

0:04:38.307,0:04:39.434
Medication!

0:04:39.434,0:04:42.663
>> She basically wants to get[br]me on four different drugs

0:04:42.663,0:04:44.623
and I don't want that to happen.

0:04:44.623,0:04:46.896
You know what it's like to take Haldol?

0:04:46.896,0:04:48.448
Do you know what it's like to take

0:04:48.448,0:04:51.046
some of the other psychiatric[br]drugs they give you?

0:04:51.046,0:04:52.449
Turns you into a zombie.

0:04:52.449,0:04:54.635
You sleep 14 hours a day.

0:04:54.635,0:04:57.319
You can't sit down in one spot.

0:04:57.319,0:04:58.934
You can't sit down in one spot.

0:04:58.934,0:05:02.472
When I was on Haldol here[br]for 15 minutes at a time

0:05:02.472,0:05:05.722
you get so jittery your hands clamp up.

0:05:08.683,0:05:10.502
Give Todd a break.

0:05:10.502,0:05:12.571
I'll be out of Massachusetts' hair.

0:05:12.571,0:05:15.071
Just let me outta those doors.

0:05:15.959,0:05:18.151
I'm goin' back to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

0:05:18.151,0:05:22.082
to enjoy paradise like everybody[br]else that lives down there.

0:05:22.082,0:05:23.539
You know, all those rich people

0:05:23.539,0:05:25.237
that got all those boats, those yachts

0:05:25.237,0:05:28.501
and they got names for[br]their yachts, you know.

0:05:28.501,0:05:29.779
>> You're not gonna have that,

0:05:29.779,0:05:31.584
though, if ya go.

0:05:31.584,0:05:35.289
>> I won't have a yacht[br]but I'll have myself

0:05:35.289,0:05:38.237
and I'll be free and[br]that's what I'll have.

0:05:38.237,0:05:39.412
>> John, there's a spider

0:05:39.412,0:05:41.097
right near you.[br]>> Lonesome Cowboy Paul

0:05:41.097,0:05:43.966
>> Cowboy Paul.

0:05:43.966,0:05:47.549
>> (mumbles) smile.[br]>> Smile.

0:05:53.725,0:05:56.054
>> Ordering a swiss burger, medium rare,

0:05:56.054,0:05:58.640
and a chicken salad[br]sandwich on whole wheat.

0:05:58.640,0:06:00.533
(bell dings)

0:06:00.533,0:06:04.533
(restaurant patrons chattering)

0:06:05.459,0:06:07.808
Sometimes at work I do hear voices

0:06:07.808,0:06:10.617
and actually people having a conversation

0:06:10.617,0:06:12.250
make the hallucination worse.

0:06:12.250,0:06:14.252
>> We're having a really good time.

0:06:14.252,0:06:16.918
(diners laughing)

0:06:16.918,0:06:18.168
>> I start confusing human voices

0:06:18.168,0:06:20.918
with the voices of the psychoses.

0:06:22.479,0:06:24.913
And I can't really, and the voices

0:06:24.913,0:06:27.663
just start all blending together.

0:06:29.931,0:06:32.240
Sometimes it's really[br]difficult to tune them out,

0:06:32.240,0:06:35.123
but I really, I just[br]sort of bite my tongue

0:06:35.123,0:06:36.956
and I just keep going.

0:06:39.099,0:06:40.129
What?

0:06:40.129,0:06:41.486
>> I said I think that oughta be plenty.

0:06:41.486,0:06:42.950
>> Okay.

0:06:42.950,0:06:44.499
(diners chattering)

0:06:44.499,0:06:45.766
>> Nice.

0:06:45.766,0:06:47.682
It looks very good.

0:06:47.682,0:06:50.682
(diners chattering)

0:07:00.384,0:07:03.307
Probably about two years[br]ago I felt like somebody

0:07:03.307,0:07:04.837
was, like, watching me do my homework

0:07:04.837,0:07:07.954
and then I just started hearing[br]these voices from the sky.

0:07:07.954,0:07:09.585
I was in my dorm room for three days.

0:07:09.585,0:07:11.614
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep

0:07:11.614,0:07:15.781
and I went from being a really[br]functional, outgoing student,

0:07:17.733,0:07:20.481
I had a complete nervous breakdown.

0:07:20.481,0:07:22.095
I couldn't cross the street.

0:07:22.095,0:07:24.512
I almost got killed by a bus.

0:07:25.875,0:07:29.734
Eight hours would go by,[br]it seemed like a minute.

0:07:29.734,0:07:32.279
I'd just be in, like, this[br]trance in this little world

0:07:32.279,0:07:36.446
and you couldn't talk to me[br]and I couldn't hear anybody.

0:07:37.591,0:07:38.839
I did my work.

0:07:38.839,0:07:41.127
I turned my papers in on[br]time, but I'd be alone

0:07:41.127,0:07:44.816
in my solitude and I'd just[br]be crying all the time.

0:07:44.816,0:07:45.823
I got to the point where I was like

0:07:45.823,0:07:47.776
I can't live this way and I would swallow

0:07:47.776,0:07:49.823
a box of sleeping pills[br]and then I'd change my mind

0:07:49.823,0:07:51.708
and I'd make myself throw them up.

0:07:51.708,0:07:55.262
And I never told anybody[br]but I'd always get up

0:07:55.262,0:07:58.039
the next day and I'd take[br]a shower and comb my hair

0:07:58.039,0:08:01.872
and turn in my Greek[br]homework and nobody knew.

0:08:03.576,0:08:06.409
Nobody knew I was having problems.

0:08:09.182,0:08:10.789
>> I met you last week.

0:08:10.789,0:08:11.956
>> Mm-hm.[br]>> Yes.

0:08:13.831,0:08:14.664
Okay.

0:08:19.406,0:08:21.070
>> Has there been a period of time

0:08:21.070,0:08:23.847
where you've gone a week[br]or more without voices?

0:08:23.847,0:08:26.246
>> No, I hear them all the time.

0:08:26.246,0:08:27.944
>> So it's a constant[br]daily struggle for you.

0:08:27.944,0:08:28.870
>> Yeah.

0:08:28.870,0:08:32.787
>> What we're gonna do[br]is start Clozapine today.

0:08:33.682,0:08:35.979
Everything seems fine.

0:08:35.979,0:08:37.763
Your white blood cell count is fine,

0:08:37.763,0:08:39.183
which means that we can go ahead

0:08:39.183,0:08:41.138
and start the Clozapine, okay?

0:08:41.138,0:08:43.703
So, the most important[br]side effect is the risk

0:08:43.703,0:08:45.909
of the medication lowering[br]your white blood cell count.

0:08:45.909,0:08:47.305
>> Right.

0:08:47.305,0:08:49.564
>> So that's why when[br]you return to school,

0:08:49.564,0:08:52.370
you'll have to get a[br]blood test once a week.

0:08:52.370,0:08:55.182
See the doctor and get your medication.

0:08:55.182,0:08:57.186
>> You just wanna pull your sweater up.

0:08:57.186,0:09:01.285
>> Naomi is someone who[br]seems to have schizophrenia.

0:09:01.285,0:09:05.167
Clozapine is a new[br]medication that we have found

0:09:05.167,0:09:09.413
to be superior to all other[br]antipsychotic medications,

0:09:09.413,0:09:13.702
so if there's any hope for[br]Naomi to remain functional,

0:09:13.702,0:09:15.035
Clozapine is it.

0:09:32.471,0:09:36.638
>> Right now, like I'm really[br]sick, so, it's frightening.

0:09:37.983,0:09:40.190
You know, I hear voices[br]and the more stressed

0:09:40.190,0:09:43.139
and worried I am the harder[br]they are to deal with

0:09:43.139,0:09:47.191
because then the voices[br]tend to be very negative.

0:09:47.191,0:09:49.221
So that, like, the more I[br]worry and the more I stress,

0:09:49.221,0:09:53.388
the more negative they are,[br]the more distracting they are.

0:09:55.453,0:09:58.370
I think it's just a downward cycle.

0:10:06.161,0:10:10.796
There's nothing worse in this[br]world than losing your sanity.

0:10:10.796,0:10:11.664
I grew up with it.

0:10:11.664,0:10:13.965
I was used to seeing it.

0:10:13.965,0:10:15.968
All I knew was insanity.

0:10:15.968,0:10:19.173
(somber orchestral music)

0:10:19.173,0:10:20.835
My father has manic depression.

0:10:20.835,0:10:24.006
My middle brother is[br]also a manic depressive

0:10:24.006,0:10:27.095
and my mom is schizophrenic.

0:10:27.095,0:10:30.316
My mom was committed after I was born.

0:10:30.316,0:10:32.399
She had shock treatments.

0:10:33.359,0:10:35.859
She's been sick my whole life.

0:10:39.015,0:10:40.091
I was used to it.

0:10:40.091,0:10:42.364
I was used to her screaming obscenities

0:10:42.364,0:10:45.930
and talking to herself[br]and carrying around knives

0:10:45.930,0:10:48.544
and I could never understand why.

0:10:48.544,0:10:50.169
I never understood, why don't you stop it?

0:10:50.169,0:10:51.904
Why don't you stop it and be my mommy.

0:10:51.904,0:10:53.585
Why are you saying all[br]these irrational things

0:10:53.585,0:10:55.168
I can't understand.

0:11:04.690,0:11:07.085
What frightens me the most is that,

0:11:07.085,0:11:10.335
you know, that I end up like my mother.

0:11:14.718,0:11:16.375
I wanna leave my mark on the world.

0:11:16.375,0:11:19.365
Not a big mark, just a[br]little mark, you know.

0:11:19.365,0:11:20.801
I wanna be an English professor,

0:11:20.801,0:11:23.457
so maybe like an old dusty[br]book in a library somewhere

0:11:23.457,0:11:27.040
that nobody reads, a[br]few classes, you know.

0:11:30.619,0:11:33.792
And there's just certain[br]things I just wanna fulfill

0:11:33.792,0:11:35.523
and it's frightening sometimes.

0:11:35.523,0:11:37.856
I don't know if I can do it.

0:11:46.285,0:11:47.143
>> Glen?[br]>> Yeah.

0:11:47.143,0:11:48.448
>> Hi, I'm Kathy Moony.

0:11:48.448,0:11:50.176
I'm one of the nurses[br]here in the holding area

0:11:50.176,0:11:51.274
and I'm gonna take you[br]in and get you ready

0:11:51.274,0:11:52.290
for surgery, okay?

0:11:52.290,0:11:54.457
>> Okay.[br]>> So come with me.

0:12:01.425,0:12:06.379
(patients and doctors chattering)

0:12:06.379,0:12:09.951
Okay, I'm just gonna have you[br]remove your bathrobe, okay?

0:12:09.951,0:12:12.111
Yeah, and you can get[br]right up onto this bed

0:12:12.111,0:12:13.746
and I'll cover you up with a blanket.

0:12:13.746,0:12:15.250
>> This is the frame you're gonna wear

0:12:15.250,0:12:17.378
when we do the MR scan.

0:12:17.378,0:12:19.623
It's not too heavy, and we just put it

0:12:19.623,0:12:21.916
right on your head like so.

0:12:21.916,0:12:22.749
Get it over your nose.[br]>> I've been

0:12:22.749,0:12:25.209
a photographer all my life.

0:12:25.209,0:12:29.982
About three years ago I had to[br]give it up due to my illness.

0:12:29.982,0:12:33.530
>> If you feel any sharp[br]pain, you just let us know.

0:12:33.530,0:12:34.754
We can put some more freezing--

0:12:34.754,0:12:38.260
>> I have obsessive compulsive disorder

0:12:38.260,0:12:42.797
and you can't have OCD[br]and be a happy person.

0:12:42.797,0:12:44.751
It just doesn't work that way.

0:12:44.751,0:12:46.729
>> Just on the left.[br]>> Just on the left side?

0:12:46.729,0:12:49.530
>> Because you do things that you know

0:12:49.530,0:12:53.197
are actually very stupid[br]and you know better

0:12:54.283,0:12:56.533
and you just can't stop it.

0:12:57.541,0:13:02.003
I can look at things and I[br]don't believe what I see.

0:13:02.003,0:13:04.967
And therefore I don't double check,

0:13:04.967,0:13:08.634
I check 10, 15, 20, 30[br]times the same thing.

0:13:09.990,0:13:14.157
I check things because[br]everything has to be perfect.

0:13:15.234,0:13:19.401
I have to make sure my shoes[br]are laced up exactly perfect.

0:13:20.405,0:13:22.795
I'll go into my closet and[br]I gotta check to make sure

0:13:22.795,0:13:24.145
that it's my coat.

0:13:24.145,0:13:25.471
Well, nobody lives with me.

0:13:25.471,0:13:27.388
Naturally it's my coat.

0:13:29.046,0:13:30.629
I wanna stay clean.

0:13:33.077,0:13:36.295
A little is good, more is better

0:13:36.295,0:13:40.128
so the hotter the water,[br]the cleaner my hands.

0:13:41.214,0:13:44.714
The more soap I use, the cleaner my hands.

0:13:45.562,0:13:48.649
And I would say in a day I use anywhere

0:13:48.649,0:13:52.427
from a bar of soap to a[br]bar and a half of soap.

0:13:52.427,0:13:55.154
I could be back here[br]anywhere from a minute

0:13:55.154,0:13:57.821
to an hour doing the same thing.

0:13:59.909,0:14:03.414
Sometimes I walk out and I will decide

0:14:03.414,0:14:05.669
to take my shoes off and come back in

0:14:05.669,0:14:08.419
and repeat the whole thing again.

0:14:09.271,0:14:11.843
Like, I've lost all my confidence

0:14:11.843,0:14:14.426
in the mechanics of the camera.

0:14:15.915,0:14:19.663
I would be checking everything so much

0:14:19.663,0:14:23.875
that finally the dad or the[br]groom would yell down to me,

0:14:23.875,0:14:26.314
"Would you take your damn picture?"

0:14:26.314,0:14:29.814
(somber orchestral music)

0:14:31.654,0:14:34.264
When I was growing up I was very shy

0:14:34.264,0:14:38.431
and at a very young age[br]never wanted to get dirty.

0:14:39.437,0:14:41.937
I knew something wasn't right.

0:14:43.375,0:14:46.958
And it's reasons, I've[br]been divorced twice.

0:14:50.022,0:14:53.887
My girlfriend is the real[br]reason I'm here today,

0:14:53.887,0:14:57.637
kinda risking my life[br]to have this operation.

0:15:06.190,0:15:08.889
I'm pretty nervous now[br]and I'm pretty scared.

0:15:08.889,0:15:10.884
And a lot of things could go wrong

0:15:10.884,0:15:13.211
that would be a thousand times worse

0:15:13.211,0:15:15.157
than just washing my hands.

0:15:15.157,0:15:16.238
>> Here you can see

0:15:16.238,0:15:18.242
the selected target site in the cingulum.

0:15:18.242,0:15:21.730
And the tip of our electrode[br]will be inserted down

0:15:21.730,0:15:24.100
to this point and the lesion will be made

0:15:24.100,0:15:27.019
in the anterior cingulum just like so.

0:15:27.019,0:15:29.852
One on the right, one on the left.

0:15:31.738,0:15:35.929
The cingulotomy is an[br]operation on the brain.

0:15:35.929,0:15:37.493
We actually destroy a small part

0:15:37.493,0:15:40.878
of the brain that is hyperactive.

0:15:40.878,0:15:44.795
(suspenseful orchestral music)

0:15:46.240,0:15:47.689
Now Glen, this shouldn't hurt.

0:15:47.689,0:15:49.509
You may feel some[br]pressure, but it shouldn't

0:15:49.509,0:15:50.877
hurt you at all, okay?

0:15:50.877,0:15:51.821
>> All right.

0:15:51.821,0:15:53.889
>> In the past surgery procedures

0:15:53.889,0:15:56.056
that were done were crude.

0:15:58.301,0:16:01.176
That's not hurting you, right?

0:16:01.176,0:16:03.383
You just hear a sound and a vibration?

0:16:03.383,0:16:04.856
The lobotomies that were performed

0:16:04.856,0:16:06.257
in the '30s and '40s were done

0:16:06.257,0:16:08.536
because there was no[br]other effective treatment,

0:16:08.536,0:16:10.364
but five to 10 percent of the people

0:16:10.364,0:16:11.945
died from the operation.

0:16:11.945,0:16:15.392
(dramatic orchestral music)

0:16:15.392,0:16:18.889
It was a procedure that was[br]almost indiscriminately applied.

0:16:18.889,0:16:19.970
>> Transorbital lobotomy

0:16:19.970,0:16:23.049
has further advantages in[br]that it leaves no scar.

0:16:23.049,0:16:24.758
It is performed through an operating field

0:16:24.758,0:16:27.643
that is normally sterile[br]and the stiff tarsal plate

0:16:27.643,0:16:28.713
forms an ideal reinforcement--

0:16:28.713,0:16:30.293
>> There were tremendous side effects

0:16:30.293,0:16:33.038
associated with the procedure.

0:16:33.038,0:16:35.959
There was cognitive impairment, seizures,

0:16:35.959,0:16:39.209
memory disturbance, personality change.

0:16:42.842,0:16:45.660
The cingulotomy is a very safe procedure.

0:16:45.660,0:16:49.119
(soft orchestral music)

0:16:49.119,0:16:52.036
First we're gonna insert the probe.

0:16:53.065,0:16:55.439
Can you wiggle your toes, Glen, again?

0:16:55.439,0:16:56.788
Good.

0:16:56.788,0:16:58.810
Okay, we're gonna start the lesion.

0:16:58.810,0:17:00.458
Get a temperature.

0:17:00.458,0:17:02.283
>> (mumbles) degrees.

0:17:02.283,0:17:03.668
>> Okay, we're making the lesion.

0:17:03.668,0:17:05.708
Make the lesion.

0:17:05.708,0:17:07.458
Temperature going up.

0:17:10.247,0:17:12.036
How you doing, Glen?

0:17:12.036,0:17:13.463
>> Okay.[br]>> You okay?

0:17:13.463,0:17:14.630
>> Yeah.

0:17:15.510,0:17:17.191
>> We're almost done now, all right?

0:17:17.191,0:17:19.638
You've done very, very well.

0:17:19.638,0:17:21.972
Everything's gone just fine.

0:17:23.998,0:17:25.036
We're almost done.

0:17:25.036,0:17:27.513
We're just closing the skin.

0:17:27.513,0:17:28.347
We'll get this frame off your head

0:17:28.347,0:17:29.580
and put a little bandage on and get you

0:17:29.580,0:17:31.913
onto a more comfortable bed.

0:17:34.955,0:17:36.288
I got your neck.

0:17:38.198,0:17:40.517
Oh, watch his nose.

0:17:40.517,0:17:44.978
Okay, now get him a pillow,[br]get him a comfy pillow here.

0:17:44.978,0:17:47.411
Great, wiggle your fingers for us.

0:17:47.411,0:17:48.876
Great.

0:17:48.876,0:17:49.768
You did very well.

0:17:49.768,0:17:50.601
You can still play the piano.

0:17:50.601,0:17:51.434
>> Still play the piano.

0:17:51.434,0:17:52.267
>> Great.

0:17:52.267,0:17:53.241
>> Could you play it before?

0:17:53.241,0:17:55.203
>> No.[br](doctors and nurses chuckle)

0:17:55.203,0:17:56.541
>> Glen, everything went very nicely

0:17:56.541,0:17:57.687
and you did very well, okay?

0:17:57.687,0:17:58.530
>> Huh?

0:17:58.530,0:17:59.716
>> Everything went very nicely.

0:17:59.716,0:18:01.346
>> Huh?[br]>> (chuckles) You did well.

0:18:01.346,0:18:04.263
(nurses chuckling)

0:18:21.624,0:18:24.541
(orchestral music)

0:18:32.698,0:18:34.460
>> Over the last two years

0:18:34.460,0:18:37.710
there's been a very serious depression.

0:18:41.150,0:18:42.489
Then over the last six months

0:18:42.489,0:18:45.072
it's gotten increasingly worse.

0:19:04.174,0:19:05.835
Physically it gets to the point

0:19:05.835,0:19:09.474
where all I can do is lay in bed all day.

0:19:09.474,0:19:11.720
And mentally and emotionally[br]it gets to the point

0:19:11.720,0:19:15.887
where I'd rather be dead[br]than living the way I am.

0:19:17.125,0:19:21.595
It's not such an active[br]feeling of death or suicide.

0:19:21.595,0:19:23.487
There's just a feeling that[br]nothing can be worse than that

0:19:23.487,0:19:27.654
and the only way to alleviate[br]the pain is to be dead.

0:19:30.678,0:19:33.617
I'm holding off a real[br]attempt towards suicide

0:19:33.617,0:19:36.034
because if I do try it again,

0:19:37.240,0:19:39.214
I don't want it to be[br]something that fails.

0:19:39.214,0:19:41.830
I want it to be something[br]that'll be successful,

0:19:41.830,0:19:45.260
so I won't have to go through the trouble

0:19:45.260,0:19:49.427
or the misery of having to[br]face everyone if it failed.

0:19:54.072,0:19:57.635
I'm a musician and I[br]haven't been able to play.

0:19:57.635,0:20:00.106
All I see is the thing[br]that I've prepared to do

0:20:00.106,0:20:03.114
my whole life is just not going anywhere.

0:20:03.114,0:20:06.229
(orchestral music)

0:20:06.229,0:20:08.966
The first time I ever played music I guess

0:20:08.966,0:20:13.133
was when I was two I used to[br]crawl up and play the piano.

0:20:14.677,0:20:18.249
I started playing viola when I was nine.

0:20:18.249,0:20:21.517
I went to Juilliard for my Masters Degree.

0:20:21.517,0:20:23.141
I played with the Juilliard Orchestra

0:20:23.141,0:20:24.998
in New York and in France and I played

0:20:24.998,0:20:27.253
with the Tanglewood[br]Music Center Orchestra,

0:20:27.253,0:20:29.312
the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.

0:20:29.312,0:20:32.979
It's just the thing[br]I've always wanted to do

0:20:34.901,0:20:38.901
and it's not gonna be[br]possible if I'm like this.

0:20:42.226,0:20:44.120
It feels like this is my last hope

0:20:44.120,0:20:48.037
for something that can[br]completely make me well.

0:20:50.064,0:20:51.493
>> Come on in and we're[br]gonna do the treatment

0:20:51.493,0:20:52.326
in a couple of minutes.

0:20:52.326,0:20:53.797
>> Okay.

0:20:53.797,0:20:56.714
(machines beeping)

0:21:02.018,0:21:05.885
>> Doctor Drop is going to[br]inject your medications,

0:21:05.885,0:21:08.205
a short acting sleeping medication

0:21:08.205,0:21:10.030
and then a muscle relaxant.

0:21:10.030,0:21:12.825
For you it's gonna be like[br]taking a five minute nap.

0:21:12.825,0:21:14.434
>> Okay.[br]>> All right?

0:21:14.434,0:21:18.434
You're gonna be going to[br]sleep in a few seconds.

0:21:20.978,0:21:22.371
Okay, you're gonna start to feel yourself

0:21:22.371,0:21:25.174
getting a little sleepy now.

0:21:25.174,0:21:28.007
(machine beeping)

0:21:39.307,0:21:41.333
Electroconvulsive therapy is simply

0:21:41.333,0:21:44.225
the intentional induction[br]of a grand mal seizure

0:21:44.225,0:21:47.722
under very controlled circumstances.

0:21:47.722,0:21:50.727
For some reason seizure[br]normalizes brain chemistry

0:21:50.727,0:21:54.231
through mechanisms that we[br]really don't understand.

0:21:54.231,0:21:57.398
The treatment electrodes are going on.

0:21:58.371,0:21:59.288
Looks good.

0:22:00.817,0:22:03.296
Now, if we didn't medicate[br]the patient first,

0:22:03.296,0:22:05.293
it would be a violent treatment

0:22:05.293,0:22:07.577
and it was when it was first invented.

0:22:07.577,0:22:11.077
(somber orchestral music)

0:22:13.604,0:22:17.347
During the post-war era,[br]the treatment was overused

0:22:17.347,0:22:20.347
and sometimes indiscriminately used.

0:22:29.176,0:22:32.343
Patients frequently had bone fractures

0:22:33.374,0:22:37.541
during this treatment before[br]the use of muscle relaxants.

0:22:38.407,0:22:41.167
In the past ECT was done with a technique

0:22:41.167,0:22:45.091
which caused a great deal[br]of memory disturbance.

0:22:45.091,0:22:47.619
And consequently I think[br]many people experienced

0:22:47.619,0:22:51.786
severe impairment of their[br]memory and their intellect.

0:22:54.725,0:22:58.308
It's a different[br]treatment now technically.

0:23:00.522,0:23:02.189
Here's the stimulus.

0:23:10.377,0:23:15.157
>> We're at .75 seconds stimulus duration.

0:23:15.157,0:23:17.990
(machine beeping)

0:23:23.092,0:23:26.092
>> Good seizure, good generalization.

0:23:30.393,0:23:32.548
And that's the end of the seizure.

0:23:32.548,0:23:33.381
>> Done.

0:23:35.841,0:23:37.076
>> You had your treatment.

0:23:37.076,0:23:39.146
You're all done, okay?

0:23:39.146,0:23:41.949
Probably feelin' a little[br]bit groggy right now.

0:23:41.949,0:23:45.449
All right, but that's from the medication.

0:23:53.391,0:23:57.474
>> I've been feeling very[br]bad for about two years.

0:24:02.504,0:24:06.671
And now I had my ECT, my first[br]ECT treatment two days ago

0:24:08.464,0:24:11.297
and now I feel miraculously better

0:24:12.368,0:24:14.906
and that isn't just an[br]adverb to go with it.

0:24:14.906,0:24:17.450
It really is miraculous.

0:24:17.450,0:24:18.617
I think, um...

0:24:22.873,0:24:24.873
Just everything, I mean,

0:24:27.427,0:24:30.068
the way I'm thinking, the way I feel,

0:24:30.068,0:24:32.751
the way I look at everything and can see

0:24:32.751,0:24:36.168
and perceive everything is different now.

0:24:39.419,0:24:41.919
(viola music)

0:25:06.548,0:25:08.975
(viola music goes out of tune)

0:25:08.975,0:25:11.148
Oh, I can't do this.

0:25:11.148,0:25:13.648
(viola music)

0:25:15.167,0:25:16.500
I can't do this.

0:25:18.024,0:25:21.524
(out of tune viola music)

0:25:39.998,0:25:44.165
It makes me sad that I can't[br]play my viola. (exhales)

0:25:49.038,0:25:50.301
But I don't know.

0:25:50.301,0:25:54.218
I just don't know how[br]I'm supposed to feel now.

0:26:01.699,0:26:03.063
>> So it's been awhile.

0:26:03.063,0:26:04.563
>> Yeah.[br]>> Yeah.

0:26:04.563,0:26:06.555
About almost three months really.

0:26:06.555,0:26:07.960
>> Yeah.

0:26:07.960,0:26:11.086
>> The medication, what's it been like?

0:26:11.086,0:26:13.166
The Klonopin.[br]>> I've had, like,

0:26:13.166,0:26:14.709
a really hard time with it.

0:26:14.709,0:26:15.840
>> Yeah.[br]>> It's just very hard

0:26:15.840,0:26:16.933
for me to get up in the morning.

0:26:16.933,0:26:21.564
I'm very sick in the morning[br]and I'm still hearing voices.

0:26:21.564,0:26:24.934
I took a harder schedule than I should've.

0:26:24.934,0:26:25.951
I was fine.

0:26:25.951,0:26:28.231
Like, I went to school and[br]I had the psychotic symptoms

0:26:28.231,0:26:30.196
and stuff, but my classes weren't,

0:26:30.196,0:26:31.904
I mean, I learned a lot, they were hard,

0:26:31.904,0:26:33.694
but they weren't as hard as this.

0:26:33.694,0:26:36.370
So, I'm gonna have to[br]take incomplete or two

0:26:36.370,0:26:41.339
and falling a little behind,[br]but I'm dealing with it.

0:26:41.339,0:26:42.872
Like, people need their solitude?

0:26:42.872,0:26:44.989
Like, I don't feel like[br]I have a private life

0:26:44.989,0:26:47.572
or any sort of solitude at all.

0:26:48.563,0:26:51.761
>> Okay, so it's a really hard time.

0:26:51.761,0:26:53.011
>> Yeah.[br]>> Yeah.

0:27:18.981,0:27:22.248
>> Are you still optimistic?

0:27:22.248,0:27:23.919
>> I don't know, I guess[br]should be 'cause they say

0:27:23.919,0:27:25.719
part of it is psychological.

0:27:25.719,0:27:28.380
Like, you have to want the[br]medicine to work to work,

0:27:28.380,0:27:32.023
so I guess I should be,[br]but I'm a little skeptical.

0:27:32.023,0:27:33.367
>> I mean, I am a little,

0:27:33.367,0:27:37.284
this is, like, the fifth[br]medicine I've been on.

0:27:39.051,0:27:43.046
I want it to work but at the same time

0:27:43.046,0:27:45.826
I sort of wonder if I'm[br]gonna have to live this way

0:27:45.826,0:27:47.826
for the rest of my life.

0:27:53.354,0:27:56.021
(siren blaring)

0:28:13.403,0:28:14.403
>> Hi, Naomi?

0:28:19.505,0:28:23.672
I just wanna make sure you're[br]clear on what's happening.

0:28:25.132,0:28:29.452
You know from what I've[br]heard from your roommate,

0:28:29.452,0:28:31.773
you know, and also from your brother,

0:28:31.773,0:28:33.862
Harry called me as well.

0:28:33.862,0:28:35.150
I know that things apparently got

0:28:35.150,0:28:37.817
out of control in the apartment.

0:28:42.389,0:28:43.603
Apparently at this point we're gonna

0:28:43.603,0:28:46.270
have to try something different.

0:28:47.692,0:28:50.166
Unfortunately, the Clozaril just wasn't

0:28:50.166,0:28:52.583
doing what we hoped it would.

0:28:54.051,0:28:55.957
All right, I know you don't wanna talk

0:28:55.957,0:28:59.975
and so I don't wanna push you about that.

0:28:59.975,0:29:01.878
Okay, but we will try[br]to do whatever we can

0:29:01.878,0:29:03.878
to make you comfortable.

0:29:05.378,0:29:07.624
You know, if you have[br]questions please ask.

0:29:07.624,0:29:11.596
If you have questions about[br]what's going on, please ask.

0:29:11.596,0:29:13.596
We'll explain it to you.

0:29:14.944,0:29:17.383
You know, and as we come up with a plan

0:29:17.383,0:29:19.293
about what to do about the medication

0:29:19.293,0:29:22.316
to try to control the symptoms,

0:29:22.316,0:29:25.227
you know obviously we'll go over that

0:29:25.227,0:29:27.229
and explain that with you also.

0:29:27.229,0:29:30.729
(somber orchestral music)

0:29:31.648,0:29:35.315
Is there anything you[br]want to say or ask me?

0:29:42.512,0:29:43.345
Okay.

0:29:47.244,0:29:49.911
Okay, so I'm gonna be going now.

0:30:02.102,0:30:04.852
(waves crashing)

0:30:14.683,0:30:17.325
>> This is nice isn't it?

0:30:17.325,0:30:19.189
It's beautiful.

0:30:19.189,0:30:21.689
They've got goldfish, turtles,

0:30:23.481,0:30:24.898
minnows, guppies.

0:30:25.768,0:30:27.127
This is paradise.

0:30:27.127,0:30:29.429
To me this is medication, you know.

0:30:29.429,0:30:31.096
Makes me wanna sing.

0:30:32.181,0:30:34.244
♫ Edel-vine

0:30:34.244,0:30:36.839
♫ Edel-vine

0:30:36.839,0:30:40.391
♫ Dance may you bloom and grow

0:30:40.391,0:30:43.808
♫ Bloom and grow forever

0:30:49.030,0:30:53.197
You might wanna catch the[br]front and see the eagle.

0:30:55.571,0:30:59.738
The truth is I get high[br]without taking my medications.

0:31:01.341,0:31:04.002
Anybody that's addicted to highs

0:31:04.002,0:31:05.137
doesn't wanna give it up.

0:31:05.137,0:31:06.326
Nobody wants to come down.

0:31:06.326,0:31:08.082
I don't wanna come down.

0:31:08.082,0:31:09.499
I am still alive!

0:31:10.802,0:31:14.343
I'd rather live with my disease[br]than take these damn pills.

0:31:14.343,0:31:17.463
I've struggled with this[br]bastard disease my whole life.

0:31:17.463,0:31:19.600
>> What are you doin' up there, Todd?

0:31:19.600,0:31:20.517
>> Being me.

0:31:21.484,0:31:24.895
It's like this big huge[br]rock that I have to carry.

0:31:24.895,0:31:27.676
And I don't ask no one to[br]help me carry this rock.

0:31:27.676,0:31:29.593
I'll carry my own self.

0:31:30.541,0:31:31.801
That's beauty.

0:31:31.801,0:31:33.596
That's an eagle!

0:31:33.596,0:31:34.429
Woo!

0:31:35.771,0:31:39.285
I don't have anybody[br]tellin' me what to do.

0:31:39.285,0:31:41.535
I don't have to do nothing.

0:31:42.989,0:31:45.239
I do what Todd wants to do.

0:31:48.596,0:31:50.096
I control my life.

0:31:51.193,0:31:52.404
Go guys!

0:31:52.404,0:31:53.321
Suppertime!

0:31:57.333,0:32:01.078
I like these seagulls[br]better than I do humans.

0:32:01.078,0:32:04.578
(somber orchestral music)

0:32:07.618,0:32:10.713
>> When he was younger he[br]was just kinda carefree

0:32:10.713,0:32:12.380
like any other baby.

0:32:14.157,0:32:15.825
He didn't start changing until he had

0:32:15.825,0:32:18.825
to start nursery school at age four.

0:32:19.781,0:32:21.667
And then he found it a little hard

0:32:21.667,0:32:24.000
to adjust to other children.

0:32:25.725,0:32:28.558
He just became overwhelmed easily.

0:32:31.695,0:32:33.941
You know, he was a cute little guy.

0:32:33.941,0:32:34.774
Real cute.

0:32:36.210,0:32:40.538
You know, real playful and[br]he was extremely athletic.

0:32:40.538,0:32:42.915
He was very active,[br]always wanted to travel

0:32:42.915,0:32:45.998
'cause he was kind of a restless boy.

0:32:56.653,0:32:58.758
And then he was real, real good in sports

0:32:58.758,0:33:01.841
in high school and that he lived for.

0:33:03.760,0:33:06.162
He did real well with that[br]up until his sophomore year

0:33:06.162,0:33:09.802
when he had a real bad[br]race 'cause he fell down.

0:33:09.802,0:33:11.485
He fell down at the state meet

0:33:11.485,0:33:14.513
and the coach thought he was on drugs.

0:33:14.513,0:33:16.065
And of course it was totally devastating

0:33:16.065,0:33:19.105
and then he, all the kids,[br]he wasn't voted captain

0:33:19.105,0:33:21.671
the next year and so he quit.

0:33:21.671,0:33:24.421
So it was very traumatic for him.

0:33:25.575,0:33:29.075
(somber orchestral music)

0:33:30.545,0:33:32.951
We're a middle class working family

0:33:32.951,0:33:35.274
and you don't expect these things

0:33:35.274,0:33:37.996
to happen to your children.

0:33:37.996,0:33:39.980
You don't expect to have a child go out

0:33:39.980,0:33:43.730
in the street and sleep[br]and that's very hard.

0:33:47.061,0:33:48.646
>> I donate plasma.

0:33:48.646,0:33:50.644
I get Social Security.

0:33:50.644,0:33:54.811
And, uh, I go to churches and[br]I basically ask, you know.

0:33:56.021,0:33:58.365
>> And how much do you[br]get for donating plasma?

0:33:58.365,0:34:00.190
>> $10, that's it.

0:34:00.190,0:34:03.279
And you get colds like[br]you wouldn't believe.

0:34:03.279,0:34:06.949
You get colds, you get[br]sick, you feel drained.

0:34:06.949,0:34:10.792
Sometimes you feel like you[br]wanna pass out, you know?

0:34:10.792,0:34:12.539
But ya need money, you know?

0:34:12.539,0:34:14.121
Ya need to survive.

0:34:15.043,0:34:17.594
And if they found out I was mentally ill

0:34:17.594,0:34:20.344
they'd cut me off just like that.

0:34:22.150,0:34:25.568
Come follow me and I'll show you my home.

0:34:26.722,0:34:28.665
I live right behind the[br]Greyhound Bus station.

0:34:28.665,0:34:29.915
That's my home.

0:34:35.601,0:34:37.045
Come on.

0:34:37.045,0:34:38.463
This is my patio.

0:34:41.539,0:34:43.460
And this is my home.

0:34:43.460,0:34:44.793
Home sweet home.

0:34:48.460,0:34:49.599
It doesn't bother me.

0:34:49.599,0:34:50.678
Maybe it bothers my body.

0:34:50.678,0:34:53.272
My body might break down[br]but my mind doesn't mind,

0:34:53.272,0:34:54.693
you know what I mean?

0:34:54.693,0:34:56.947
>> What's that over there on the wall?

0:34:56.947,0:34:58.960
>> That's feces.

0:34:58.960,0:34:59.793
It's shit.

0:35:00.827,0:35:03.003
It's how I mark my territory.

0:35:03.003,0:35:04.556
>> What do those marks mean?

0:35:04.556,0:35:06.916
>> You're not welcome.

0:35:06.916,0:35:09.128
They're already checkin'[br]us out, we should go.

0:35:09.128,0:35:10.458
>> Who's checkin' us out?[br]>> That guy did.

0:35:10.458,0:35:11.292
Let's go.

0:35:11.292,0:35:12.703
>> Does he know you sleep there?

0:35:12.703,0:35:13.536
>> No.

0:35:16.506,0:35:18.862
My freedom is the most[br]meaningful thing of my life.

0:35:18.862,0:35:21.862
I'm not gonna give it up for nobody.

0:35:24.480,0:35:26.991
You don't understand that I'm at war.

0:35:26.991,0:35:28.510
Let's bail, gentlemen.

0:35:28.510,0:35:29.427
I'm at war.

0:35:31.783,0:35:33.116
And I'm winning.

0:35:34.446,0:35:36.594
You see me locked in a nut ward?

0:35:36.594,0:35:37.677
I am winning.

0:35:42.840,0:35:45.840
(airplane rumbling)

0:35:57.509,0:36:01.162
>> Well, I came here[br]from Seattle to follow up

0:36:01.162,0:36:05.016
on my surgery and I brought[br]my girlfriend, Maureen,

0:36:05.016,0:36:08.400
for company and because I was nervous.

0:36:08.400,0:36:09.904
>> Have you noticed any improvement,

0:36:09.904,0:36:11.987
any worsening in any way?

0:36:15.284,0:36:18.641
>> When he's with me he seems okay.

0:36:18.641,0:36:19.684
>> Yeah.

0:36:19.684,0:36:24.299
>> I think the biggest[br]disappointment in it for me

0:36:24.299,0:36:28.466
is that in my private life[br]when Maureen is not around

0:36:29.585,0:36:33.706
and I'm in my own apartment and whatever,

0:36:33.706,0:36:36.835
is that I'm no different than I was.

0:36:36.835,0:36:38.252
I'm no different.

0:36:39.099,0:36:41.303
>> I think I see an improvement.

0:36:41.303,0:36:44.633
Well, when I first met Glen[br]he could not shoot anymore.

0:36:44.633,0:36:46.883
We now do weddings together

0:36:49.245,0:36:52.662
and before he could not trust his f-stop.

0:36:54.840,0:36:56.873
>> Clearly the underlying illness has not

0:36:56.873,0:37:00.745
been dramatically changed,[br]although there are some modest,

0:37:00.745,0:37:04.176
I guess you would agree[br]maybe modest improvements.

0:37:04.176,0:37:07.488
Having said that, there[br]is a percentage of people

0:37:07.488,0:37:08.845
that will get better after a second

0:37:08.845,0:37:10.498
and after a third procedure.

0:37:10.498,0:37:13.802
The operation is exactly[br]the same as the first one.

0:37:13.802,0:37:15.789
The lesions we make on the first time

0:37:15.789,0:37:18.543
are fairly small, and the second procedure

0:37:18.543,0:37:20.362
we simply enlarge that.

0:37:20.362,0:37:24.195
What would you think[br]about a second procedure?

0:37:25.457,0:37:29.124
>> Not right away because[br]the first procedure

0:37:31.084,0:37:33.334
was so painful that I still

0:37:34.773,0:37:36.109
remember it.[br]>> You remember it.

0:37:36.109,0:37:37.192
>> So vividly.

0:37:38.673,0:37:39.590
And also...

0:37:42.627,0:37:44.378
it's too soon.

0:37:44.378,0:37:47.107
>> It's easy for me to[br]say, but it seems like

0:37:47.107,0:37:50.151
to go this far and not[br]pursue it to the end

0:37:50.151,0:37:52.318
would seem kind of futile.

0:37:54.934,0:37:57.811
>> Okay, that's good right there.

0:37:57.811,0:37:59.794
Lower your head down just a little bit.

0:37:59.794,0:38:00.885
That's fine.

0:38:00.885,0:38:02.562
(camera clicks)

0:38:02.562,0:38:03.395
>> Great.

0:38:03.395,0:38:04.413
Pose me.

0:38:04.413,0:38:05.497
>> I'll be gettin' one more.

0:38:05.497,0:38:09.144
>> When I first met Glen,[br]his hands were cracked

0:38:09.144,0:38:13.316
and bleeding and bleeding[br]all over the cameras.

0:38:13.316,0:38:15.240
>> I'm gonna bracket a couple.

0:38:15.240,0:38:18.407
>> Now they look much better.

0:38:19.947,0:38:22.751
My fear is that he'll give up.

0:38:22.751,0:38:23.751
>> That's it.

0:38:24.819,0:38:25.766
>> I keep tellin' him,

0:38:25.766,0:38:28.648
you're not out to pasture yet.

0:38:28.648,0:38:29.981
You can improve.

0:38:30.815,0:38:32.394
>> That's what I want, just like that.

0:38:32.394,0:38:34.431
I just end up going back[br]and forth to doctors.

0:38:34.431,0:38:36.273
Things just keep creepin' up

0:38:36.273,0:38:38.853
and I get older everyday and[br]pretty soon I'm thinkin',

0:38:38.853,0:38:41.294
you know, by the time I,[br]if I ever do get cured,

0:38:41.294,0:38:43.279
I'll be so old I'll probably[br]die within three days

0:38:43.279,0:38:45.369
after I get cured.

0:38:45.369,0:38:47.190
That's beautiful.

0:38:47.190,0:38:49.354
Hold on a second.

0:38:49.354,0:38:52.021
(camera clicks)

0:38:52.906,0:38:54.642
With the windsurfer.

0:38:54.642,0:38:57.309
(camera clicks)

0:39:00.543,0:39:01.554
>> I don't know.

0:39:01.554,0:39:04.971
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

0:39:05.921,0:39:09.504
Right now I just wanna[br]get through college.

0:39:11.093,0:39:13.246
Well, since I've been in the hospital

0:39:13.246,0:39:15.228
I slowly started getting better.

0:39:15.228,0:39:16.981
I was really frightened[br]and paranoid for awhile.

0:39:16.981,0:39:18.601
I wouldn't talk to anybody

0:39:18.601,0:39:21.307
and they put me on Depakote and Risperdal.

0:39:21.307,0:39:22.544
Then I slowly started getting better.

0:39:22.544,0:39:24.627
I started feeling better.

0:39:27.647,0:39:29.077
>> What's going on now

0:39:29.077,0:39:30.580
in terms of hearing voices?

0:39:30.580,0:39:32.747
>> I don't hear any voices.

0:39:37.233,0:39:39.142
>> You don't hear any voices at all?

0:39:39.142,0:39:42.808
>> I hear two, but they're[br]not, they're pleasant.

0:39:42.808,0:39:46.975
And they're very vague and[br]they're very far removed from me.

0:39:50.234,0:39:52.702
I'm working at the Barnard[br]Book Forum right now.

0:39:52.702,0:39:56.256
It's right across the[br]street from my school.

0:39:56.256,0:39:58.068
According to this it's $2.95.

0:39:58.068,0:39:59.996
>> $2.95, okay.

0:39:59.996,0:40:01.817
>> I wish I was graduating.

0:40:01.817,0:40:05.261
I feel like I've been left behind.

0:40:05.261,0:40:09.428
But I'm going back to school[br]and I'll graduate eventually.

0:40:12.557,0:40:13.924
Most of my symptoms have gone away.

0:40:13.924,0:40:15.832
I don't really hear anything anymore

0:40:15.832,0:40:19.274
and I don't really feel sick anymore.

0:40:19.274,0:40:22.198
Like, I feel normal again.

0:40:22.198,0:40:23.927
>> After how long?

0:40:23.927,0:40:25.094
>> Three years.

0:40:25.979,0:40:27.973
>> Must be a great feeling.

0:40:27.973,0:40:28.806
>> Yeah.

0:40:29.774,0:40:32.117
It's a good feeling.

0:40:32.117,0:40:33.890
I had to make an adjustment, though.

0:40:33.890,0:40:35.607
Like, the voices sort of kept me company.

0:40:35.607,0:40:37.589
Like, I'd have these long[br]philosophical conversations

0:40:37.589,0:40:39.742
with them about life and God.

0:40:39.742,0:40:43.256
I know that sounds really[br]crazy, but it was interesting.

0:40:43.256,0:40:46.524
And now I'm, like, by myself all the time.

0:40:46.524,0:40:47.741
So it's kind of weird.

0:40:47.741,0:40:51.437
The silence is a little eerie sometimes.

0:40:51.437,0:40:53.604
But I'm doing much better.

0:41:01.679,0:41:03.913
I think a combination of[br]Adam and the medication

0:41:03.913,0:41:05.605
has helped my recovery.

0:41:05.605,0:41:06.863
I can't get up.

0:41:06.863,0:41:08.280
>> Want some help?

0:41:09.141,0:41:11.106
>> Adam's really[br]supportive, he's very sweet.

0:41:11.106,0:41:12.379
Whoa!

0:41:12.379,0:41:13.796
He's very caring.

0:41:15.276,0:41:17.520
And he's just a very special person

0:41:17.520,0:41:18.368
>> Whoa.

0:41:18.368,0:41:19.635
>> You can't get me up.

0:41:19.635,0:41:20.510
I can't get up.

0:41:20.510,0:41:23.185
>> You can hold on, come on.

0:41:23.185,0:41:24.018
>> Woo!

0:41:25.935,0:41:28.240
I've been seeing him[br]for about five months,

0:41:28.240,0:41:29.380
five and a half months.

0:41:29.380,0:41:30.536
>> That hurt?

0:41:30.536,0:41:31.760
>> It hurt my wrist.

0:41:31.760,0:41:34.282
He introduced himself when[br]I was in the hospital.

0:41:34.282,0:41:35.768
I was leaning against the wall.

0:41:35.768,0:41:37.328
I was selectively mute.

0:41:37.328,0:41:39.408
I was a little paranoid delusional.

0:41:39.408,0:41:42.831
I was dressed in this[br]horrible hospital gown,

0:41:42.831,0:41:44.349
just looked terrible.

0:41:44.349,0:41:45.747
He came up to me and introduced himself

0:41:45.747,0:41:46.969
and he told me later 'cause he thought

0:41:46.969,0:41:50.386
I looked cute. (laughs)

0:41:53.905,0:41:55.924
When I was in St. Luke's[br]I would never imagine

0:41:55.924,0:42:00.091
that six months later I would[br]have a very sweet boyfriend.

0:42:01.539,0:42:02.810
I really thought my life was over

0:42:02.810,0:42:04.504
when I was on that gurney.

0:42:04.504,0:42:05.617
I really thought everything was,

0:42:05.617,0:42:07.242
I thought I was gonna[br]be committed for life.

0:42:07.242,0:42:10.492
I thought I was gonna be there forever.

0:42:11.348,0:42:14.599
So, I have to try to rebuild[br]a new life for myself.

0:42:14.599,0:42:18.105
That's all very hard starting over.

0:42:18.105,0:42:20.170
And you never know what happens.

0:42:20.170,0:42:22.183
I could get sick again.

0:42:22.183,0:42:25.850
So I'm sure it's gonna[br]be a very rough road.

0:42:52.250,0:42:53.661
>> Todd.[br]>> Yeah, hi.

0:42:53.661,0:42:56.149
>> What happened?

0:42:56.149,0:42:56.982
>> Nothing.

0:42:56.982,0:43:00.992
They just said that I smashed some windows

0:43:00.992,0:43:03.592
and harassing phone calls.

0:43:03.592,0:43:07.681
Nothing too, I didn't[br]kill nobody or nothin',

0:43:07.681,0:43:09.086
so it's not so bad.

0:43:09.086,0:43:13.080
It's just some people's word over mine.

0:43:13.080,0:43:14.352
>> How long have you been in for?

0:43:14.352,0:43:15.778
>> Near a month.

0:43:15.778,0:43:17.162
>> You've been in here for a month?

0:43:17.162,0:43:18.399
>> Mm-hm.

0:43:18.399,0:43:21.290
>> What's it like?

0:43:21.290,0:43:23.359
>> It's violent.

0:43:23.359,0:43:24.359
It's racial.

0:43:26.115,0:43:30.644
I witnessed one dude get his[br]ear taken off in a fight.

0:43:30.644,0:43:32.211
I was laughin'.

0:43:32.211,0:43:33.961
I was absolutely laughin'.

0:43:33.961,0:43:36.591
You know, it was like[br]they were slow dancing

0:43:36.591,0:43:38.285
and this dude's got the[br]other dude by the ear,

0:43:38.285,0:43:39.699
he's goin' (growls).

0:43:39.699,0:43:41.823
(men laugh)

0:43:41.823,0:43:45.467
I had to get a laugh out of it, you know.

0:43:45.467,0:43:47.302
>> How does this compare[br]to the state hospital?

0:43:47.302,0:43:48.527
You know, we first filmed you about--

0:43:48.527,0:43:51.185
>> This is better than[br]the Lindemann Center.

0:43:51.185,0:43:54.189
This is better than the[br]Lindemann Center, okay?

0:43:54.189,0:43:55.158
It's better.

0:43:55.158,0:43:56.825
>> Why?

0:43:57.986,0:44:00.800
>> Don't have any roaches.

0:44:00.800,0:44:03.709
The food is about the same.

0:44:03.709,0:44:06.001
You got more area to walk around in.

0:44:06.001,0:44:07.082
>> You'd rather be here

0:44:07.082,0:44:08.654
than be in the hospital,[br]is that what you're saying?

0:44:08.654,0:44:09.810
>> Exactly. Exactly.

0:44:09.810,0:44:12.621
Because here I know that[br]I can go to court, right?

0:44:12.621,0:44:15.840
And they can give me not as much time

0:44:15.840,0:44:18.066
as what the Lindemann Center[br]woulda gave me, right?

0:44:18.066,0:44:20.395
You know how much time[br]they wanted to give me?

0:44:20.395,0:44:22.368
Six fucking months, all right.

0:44:22.368,0:44:23.374
>> In that state hospital

0:44:23.374,0:44:24.537
where we first filmed you.[br]>> In that state hospital.

0:44:24.537,0:44:25.387
Right, six months.

0:44:25.387,0:44:26.252
>> Are you takin' your medicine?

0:44:26.252,0:44:27.742
>> Yeah, I'm takin' my medicine.

0:44:27.742,0:44:32.354
>> Does that make a difference for you?

0:44:32.354,0:44:34.715
>> That was then, this is now.

0:44:34.715,0:44:37.358
You know, things change with the weather.

0:44:37.358,0:44:38.854
>> In other words, do[br]you need your lithium?

0:44:38.854,0:44:39.719
>> Yes, I do.

0:44:39.719,0:44:41.766
I do need my lithium.

0:44:41.766,0:44:45.361
That was a different person back then.

0:44:45.361,0:44:47.220
A total different person.

0:44:47.220,0:44:50.294
I'm a different person[br]when I'm off my medication.

0:44:50.294,0:44:51.159
>> Let me ask you,

0:44:51.159,0:44:53.643
do you think you belong[br]here with convicts?

0:44:53.643,0:44:55.088
Or you think you belong in a hospital?

0:44:55.088,0:44:56.755
Where do you belong?

0:44:59.110,0:45:00.726
>> I don't know.

0:45:00.726,0:45:01.809
I don't know.

0:45:03.240,0:45:04.323
I don't know.

0:45:06.070,0:45:08.487
(gavel thudding)

0:45:08.487,0:45:11.404
(crowd chattering)

0:45:39.501,0:45:40.950
>> The first number, 118.

0:45:40.950,0:45:42.603
I might wanna double that also.

0:45:42.603,0:45:44.120
>> Okay.[br]>> With him.

0:45:44.120,0:45:47.370
(musicians chattering)

0:45:51.724,0:45:55.057
(instruments tuning up)

0:46:04.778,0:46:05.729
>> This is the first time

0:46:05.729,0:46:09.748
that I've been playing since I've had ECT.

0:46:09.748,0:46:12.068
So I'm very nervous and just very anxious

0:46:12.068,0:46:14.034
about having to see all these people

0:46:14.034,0:46:16.989
and get back into a situation[br]where I'm actually playing.

0:46:16.989,0:46:18.738
I mean, it's really just been so long

0:46:18.738,0:46:22.198
that I don't see myself so[br]much as a musician anymore.

0:46:22.198,0:46:25.615
I see myself more as a patient, actually.

0:46:26.824,0:46:28.074
>> Measure nine.

0:46:32.063,0:46:34.064
(orchestral music)

0:46:34.064,0:46:37.771
>> So, it's something that[br]used to feel so natural

0:46:37.771,0:46:41.462
and so matter of fact[br]now feels so foreign.

0:46:41.462,0:46:43.212
So, I'm just nervous.

0:46:45.433,0:46:47.933
>> It's outta tune.

0:46:49.406,0:46:51.130
But no accent, no accent on that da-dum.

0:46:51.130,0:46:51.963
The figure is

0:46:51.963,0:46:52.949
♫ Daaa da dum

0:46:52.949,0:46:53.782
not

0:46:53.782,0:46:55.768
♫ Dum duh dum ba dum

0:46:55.768,0:46:58.768
I need to hear the F sharp,[br]a really nice big F sharp.

0:46:58.768,0:47:00.014
♫ Ba ba bum

0:47:00.014,0:47:02.219
♫ Baaa da dum

0:47:02.219,0:47:03.854
You were changing the strength there?

0:47:03.854,0:47:04.726
>> Yeah.

0:47:04.726,0:47:05.729
>> Can you not do that?

0:47:05.729,0:47:06.591
>> I'm doing it (mumbles).

0:47:06.591,0:47:07.930
>> Can you do it all one string?

0:47:07.930,0:47:08.763
Yeah.

0:47:09.601,0:47:11.184
Bar nine, one, two.

0:47:12.054,0:47:14.971
(orchestral music)

0:47:37.704,0:47:40.338
>> Through the rehearsals[br]over the last few days

0:47:40.338,0:47:44.452
it's just made me realize how[br]much I wanna do this again.

0:47:44.452,0:47:45.984
I mean, I feel like it's possible

0:47:45.984,0:47:49.935
now that the depression is[br]kind of cleared out of my life.

0:47:49.935,0:47:52.810
For such a long time it was there

0:47:52.810,0:47:54.744
and it was so overpowering[br]that I didn't think

0:47:54.744,0:47:57.154
there was any way I was[br]gonna be able to escape it.

0:47:57.154,0:47:59.246
I mean, it was just so consuming

0:47:59.246,0:48:02.264
that I just didn't think any[br]of this would be possible.

0:48:02.264,0:48:04.894
(orchestral music)

0:48:04.894,0:48:09.061
I feel like it's possible[br]to become a musician again.

0:48:41.418,0:48:44.668
(musicians chattering)

0:48:47.988,0:48:49.974
Yeah, it was a great day.

0:48:49.974,0:48:50.807
Yeah.

0:48:51.850,0:48:52.967
It's just really...

0:48:52.967,0:48:53.800
>> Bar 10?[br]>> Yeah.

0:48:53.800,0:48:54.903
>> You kicked some ass.

0:48:54.903,0:48:57.080
>> Thanks, thanks.

0:48:57.080,0:49:00.580
(somber orchestral music)

0:49:06.075,0:49:06.908
>> One.

0:49:08.294,0:49:10.101
(camera clicks)

0:49:10.101,0:49:10.934
Beautiful.

0:50:19.256,0:50:22.923
(rhythmic orchestral music)

0:52:28.332,0:52:32.173
(static hissing)[br](electronic tone reverberates)

0:52:32.173,0:52:35.923
(dramatic orchestral music)