(dramatic orchestral music)
(static hissing)
(somber orchestral music)
>> It's hard to imagine
what it's like to lose your sanity.
To watch helplessly as you change from normal to mad
and then hope you can change back.
For the better part of the century,
psychiatric patients were relegated to the back wards
and given crude and desperate treatments.
That was the best medical science could offer.
Severe mental illness, once thought to be caused
by bad parents or evil spirits,
is now viewed as the result of faulty genes,
illness within the brain itself.
Because of a recent revolution in neuroscience
there are new biological treatments
for the millions who are needy enough
and brave enough to try them.
(medical machine beeping)
Yet despite all the advances,
the struggle to find the way back from madness continues.
>> Can you tell us
what is that that's bothering you?
>> I lost my mind.
>> You lost your mind?
How can we help you with that?
(patient mumbles)
I'm sorry, I can't--
>> Give it back.
>> Give it back to you?
(siren blaring)
>> I want a cup of coffee with dog food.
>> Okay.
>> That puts me in (stammering) it's true.
Dog food, that's what, I'm a dog!
I was born as a dog!
I want you to start my Haldol back.
(doctors and patients chattering)
Ooh, there's a spider.
>> Look, there's a spider.
(patients chattering)
>> I'm not paranoid schizophrenia.
I just know what I'm talking about.
It's not my fault, blame Jesus.
>> Like I said yesterday, all I wanted them to embrace me.
'Cause, like, I'm lost
because people in here don't accept me
and people out there don't accept me.
It's like the only one that accepts Todd is Todd.
'Cause I can see society, you know?
And it's just like this.
(tapping on window)
That's keepin' me from them, you know?
'Cause like, I'm in a glass cage lookin' out at them
and I can't be out there with them, you know.
>> I know whose it is.
They come up with a--
>> This doctor thinks there's this voice in my head
named Andrew, you know, that's tellin' me
to do all these things, you know.
She's supposedly my doctor, you know,
and you see the big doctor-client trust we have.
>> If he goes back out on the streets untreated
on the wrong medicines
that he's in danger of hurting somebody pretty badly.
The interesting thing is when he did take medication
that he was in much better shape.
>> There's a state law.
I can refuse medications.
>> Medication.
Medication!
>> She basically wants to get me on four different drugs
and I don't want that to happen.
You know what it's like to take Haldol?
Do you know what it's like to take
some of the other psychiatric drugs they give you?
Turns you into a zombie.
You sleep 14 hours a day.
You can't sit down in one spot.
When I was on Haldol here for 15 minutes at a time
you get so jittery your hands clamp up.
Give Todd a break.
I'll be out of Massachusetts' hair.
Just let me outta those doors.
I'm goin' back to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
to enjoy paradise like everybody else that lives down there.
You know, all those rich people
that got all those boats, those yachts
and they got names for their yachts, you know.
>> You're not gonna have that,
though, if ya go.
>> I won't have a yacht but I'll have myself
and I'll be free and that's what I'll have.
>> John, there's a spider
right near you. >> Lonesome Cowboy Paul
>> Cowboy Paul.
>> (mumbles) smile. >> Smile.
>> Ordering a swiss burger, medium rare,
and a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat.
(bell dings)
(restaurant patrons chattering)
Sometimes at work I do hear voices
and actually people having a conversation
make the hallucination worse.
>> We're having a really good time.
(diners laughing)
>> I start confusing human voices
with the voices of the psychoses.
And I can't really, and the voices
just start all blending together.
Sometimes it's really difficult to tune them out,
but I really, I just sort of bite my tongue
and I just keep going.
What?
>> I said I think that oughta be plenty.
>> Okay.
(diners chattering)
>> Nice.
It looks very good.
(diners chattering)
Probably about two years ago I felt like somebody
was, like, watching me do my homework
and then I just started hearing these voices from the sky.
I was in my dorm room for three days.
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep
and I went from being a really functional, outgoing student,
I had a complete nervous breakdown.
I couldn't cross the street.
I almost got killed by a bus.
Eight hours would go by, it seemed like a minute.
I'd just be in, like, this trance in this little world
and you couldn't talk to me and I couldn't hear anybody.
I did my work.
I turned my papers in on time, but I'd be alone
in my solitude and I'd just be crying all the time.
I got to the point where I was like
I can't live this way and I would swallow
a box of sleeping pills and then I'd change my mind
and I'd make myself throw them up.
And I never told anybody but I'd always get up
the next day and I'd take a shower and comb my hair
and turn in my Greek homework and nobody knew.
Nobody knew I was having problems.
>> I met you last week.
>> Mm-hm. >> Yes.
Okay.
>> Has there been a period of time
where you've gone a week or more without voices?
>> No, I hear them all the time.
>> So it's a constant daily struggle for you.
>> Yeah.
>> What we're gonna do is start Clozapine today.
Everything seems fine.
Your white blood cell count is fine,
which means that we can go ahead
and start the Clozapine, okay?
So, the most important side effect is the risk
of the medication lowering your white blood cell count.
>> Right.
>> So that's why when you return to school,
you'll have to get a blood test once a week.
See the doctor and get your medication.
>> You just wanna pull your sweater up.
>> Naomi is someone who seems to have schizophrenia.
Clozapine is a new medication that we have found
to be superior to all other antipsychotic medications,
so if there's any hope for Naomi to remain functional,
Clozapine is it.
>> Right now, like I'm really sick, so, it's frightening.
You know, I hear voices and the more stressed
and worried I am the harder they are to deal with
because then the voices tend to be very negative.
So that, like, the more I worry and the more I stress,
the more negative they are, the more distracting they are.
I think it's just a downward cycle.
There's nothing worse in this world than losing your sanity.
I grew up with it.
I was used to seeing it.
All I knew was insanity.
(somber orchestral music)
My father has manic depression.
My middle brother is also a manic depressive
and my mom is schizophrenic.
My mom was committed after I was born.
She had shock treatments.
She's been sick my whole life.
I was used to it.
I was used to her screaming obscenities
and talking to herself and carrying around knives
and I could never understand why.
I never understood, why don't you stop it?
Why don't you stop it and be my mommy.
Why are you saying all these irrational things
I can't understand.
What frightens me the most is that,
you know, that I end up like my mother.
I wanna leave my mark on the world.
Not a big mark, just a little mark, you know.
I wanna be an English professor,
so maybe like an old dusty book in a library somewhere
that nobody reads, a few classes, you know.
And there's just certain things I just wanna fulfill
and it's frightening sometimes.
I don't know if I can do it.
>> Glen? >> Yeah.
>> Hi, I'm Kathy Moony.
I'm one of the nurses here in the holding area
and I'm gonna take you in and get you ready
for surgery, okay?
>> Okay. >> So come with me.
(patients and doctors chattering)
Okay, I'm just gonna have you remove your bathrobe, okay?
Yeah, and you can get right up onto this bed
and I'll cover you up with a blanket.
>> This is the frame you're gonna wear
when we do the MR scan.
It's not too heavy, and we just put it
right on your head like so.
Get it over your nose. >> I've been
a photographer all my life.
About three years ago I had to give it up due to my illness.
>> If you feel any sharp pain, you just let us know.
We can put some more freezing--
>> I have obsessive compulsive disorder
and you can't have OCD and be a happy person.
It just doesn't work that way.
>> Just on the left. >> Just on the left side?
>> Because you do things that you know
are actually very stupid and you know better
and you just can't stop it.
I can look at things and I don't believe what I see.
And therefore I don't double check,
I check 10, 15, 20, 30 times the same thing.
I check things because everything has to be perfect.
I have to make sure my shoes are laced up exactly perfect.
I'll go into my closet and I gotta check to make sure
that it's my coat.
Well, nobody lives with me.
Naturally it's my coat.
I wanna stay clean.
A little is good, more is better
so the hotter the water, the cleaner my hands.
The more soap I use, the cleaner my hands.
And I would say in a day I use anywhere
from a bar of soap to a bar and a half of soap.
I could be back here anywhere from a minute
to an hour doing the same thing.
Sometimes I walk out and I will decide
to take my shoes off and come back in
and repeat the whole thing again.
Like, I've lost all my confidence
in the mechanics of the camera.
I would be checking everything so much
that finally the dad or the groom would yell down to me,
"Would you take your damn picture?"
(somber orchestral music)
When I was growing up I was very shy
and at a very young age never wanted to get dirty.
I knew something wasn't right.
And it's reasons, I've been divorced twice.
My girlfriend is the real reason I'm here today,
kinda risking my life to have this operation.
I'm pretty nervous now and I'm pretty scared.
And a lot of things could go wrong
that would be a thousand times worse
than just washing my hands.
>> Here you can see
the selected target site in the cingulum.
And the tip of our electrode will be inserted down
to this point and the lesion will be made
in the anterior cingulum just like so.
One on the right, one on the left.
The cingulotomy is an operation on the brain.
We actually destroy a small part
of the brain that is hyperactive.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Now Glen, this shouldn't hurt.
You may feel some pressure, but it shouldn't
hurt you at all, okay?
>> All right.
>> In the past surgery procedures
that were done were crude.
That's not hurting you, right?
You just hear a sound and a vibration?
The lobotomies that were performed
in the '30s and '40s were done
because there was no other effective treatment,
but five to 10 percent of the people
died from the operation.
(dramatic orchestral music)
It was a procedure that was almost indiscriminately applied.
>> Transorbital lobotomy
has further advantages in that it leaves no scar.
It is performed through an operating field
that is normally sterile and the stiff tarsal plate
forms an ideal reinforcement--
>> There were tremendous side effects
associated with the procedure.
There was cognitive impairment, seizures,
memory disturbance, personality change.
The cingulotomy is a very safe procedure.
(soft orchestral music)
First we're gonna insert the probe.
Can you wiggle your toes, Glen, again?
Good.
Okay, we're gonna start the lesion.
Get a temperature.
>> (mumbles) degrees.
>> Okay, we're making the lesion.
Make the lesion.
Temperature going up.
How you doing, Glen?
>> Okay. >> You okay?
>> Yeah.
>> We're almost done now, all right?
You've done very, very well.
Everything's gone just fine.
We're almost done.
We're just closing the skin.
We'll get this frame off your head
and put a little bandage on and get you
onto a more comfortable bed.
I got your neck.
Oh, watch his nose.
Okay, now get him a pillow, get him a comfy pillow here.
Great, wiggle your fingers for us.
Great.
You did very well.
You can still play the piano.
>> Still play the piano.
>> Great.
>> Could you play it before?
>> No. (doctors and nurses chuckle)
>> Glen, everything went very nicely
and you did very well, okay?
>> Huh?
>> Everything went very nicely.
>> Huh? >> (chuckles) You did well.
(nurses chuckling)
(orchestral music)
>> Over the last two years
there's been a very serious depression.
Then over the last six months
it's gotten increasingly worse.
Physically it gets to the point
where all I can do is lay in bed all day.
And mentally and emotionally it gets to the point
where I'd rather be dead than living the way I am.
It's not such an active feeling of death or suicide.
There's just a feeling that nothing can be worse than that
and the only way to alleviate the pain is to be dead.
I'm holding off a real attempt towards suicide
because if I do try it again,
I don't want it to be something that fails.
I want it to be something that'll be successful,
so I won't have to go through the trouble
or the misery of having to face everyone if it failed.
I'm a musician and I haven't been able to play.
All I see is the thing that I've prepared to do
my whole life is just not going anywhere.
(orchestral music)
The first time I ever played music I guess
was when I was two I used to crawl up and play the piano.
I started playing viola when I was nine.
I went to Juilliard for my Masters Degree.
I played with the Juilliard Orchestra
in New York and in France and I played
with the Tanglewood Music Center Orchestra,
the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
It's just the thing I've always wanted to do
and it's not gonna be possible if I'm like this.
It feels like this is my last hope
for something that can completely make me well.
>> Come on in and we're gonna do the treatment
in a couple of minutes.
>> Okay.
(machines beeping)
>> Doctor Drop is going to inject your medications,
a short acting sleeping medication
and then a muscle relaxant.
For you it's gonna be like taking a five minute nap.
>> Okay. >> All right?
You're gonna be going to sleep in a few seconds.
Okay, you're gonna start to feel yourself
getting a little sleepy now.
(machine beeping)
Electroconvulsive therapy is simply
the intentional induction of a grand mal seizure
under very controlled circumstances.
For some reason seizure normalizes brain chemistry
through mechanisms that we really don't understand.
The treatment electrodes are going on.
Looks good.
Now, if we didn't medicate the patient first,
it would be a violent treatment
and it was when it was first invented.
(somber orchestral music)
During the post-war era, the treatment was overused
and sometimes indiscriminately used.
Patients frequently had bone fractures
during this treatment before the use of muscle relaxants.
In the past ECT was done with a technique
which caused a great deal of memory disturbance.
And consequently I think many people experienced
severe impairment of their memory and their intellect.
It's a different treatment now technically.
Here's the stimulus.
>> We're at .75 seconds stimulus duration.
(machine beeping)
>> Good seizure, good generalization.
And that's the end of the seizure.
>> Done.
>> You had your treatment.
You're all done, okay?
Probably feelin' a little bit groggy right now.
All right, but that's from the medication.
>> I've been feeling very bad for about two years.
And now I had my ECT, my first ECT treatment two days ago
and now I feel miraculously better
and that isn't just an adverb to go with it.
It really is miraculous.
I think, um...
Just everything, I mean,
the way I'm thinking, the way I feel,
the way I look at everything and can see
and perceive everything is different now.
(viola music)
(viola music goes out of tune)
Oh, I can't do this.
(viola music)
I can't do this.
(out of tune viola music)
It makes me sad that I can't play my viola. (exhales)
But I don't know.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel now.
>> So it's been awhile.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
About almost three months really.
>> Yeah.
>> The medication, what's it been like?
The Klonopin. >> I've had, like,
a really hard time with it.
>> Yeah. >> It's just very hard
for me to get up in the morning.
I'm very sick in the morning and I'm still hearing voices.
I took a harder schedule than I should've.
I was fine.
Like, I went to school and I had the psychotic symptoms
and stuff, but my classes weren't,
I mean, I learned a lot, they were hard,
but they weren't as hard as this.
So, I'm gonna have to take incomplete or two
and falling a little behind, but I'm dealing with it.
Like, people need their solitude?
Like, I don't feel like I have a private life
or any sort of solitude at all.
>> Okay, so it's a really hard time.
>> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> Are you still optimistic?
>> I don't know, I guess should be 'cause they say
part of it is psychological.
Like, you have to want the medicine to work to work,
so I guess I should be, but I'm a little skeptical.
>> I mean, I am a little,
this is, like, the fifth medicine I've been on.
I want it to work but at the same time
I sort of wonder if I'm gonna have to live this way
for the rest of my life.
(siren blaring)
>> Hi, Naomi?
I just wanna make sure you're clear on what's happening.
You know from what I've heard from your roommate,
you know, and also from your brother,
Harry called me as well.
I know that things apparently got
out of control in the apartment.
Apparently at this point we're gonna
have to try something different.
Unfortunately, the Clozaril just wasn't
doing what we hoped it would.
All right, I know you don't wanna talk
and so I don't wanna push you about that.
Okay, but we will try to do whatever we can
to make you comfortable.
You know, if you have questions please ask.
If you have questions about what's going on, please ask.
We'll explain it to you.
You know, and as we come up with a plan
about what to do about the medication
to try to control the symptoms,
you know obviously we'll go over that
and explain that with you also.
(somber orchestral music)
Is there anything you want to say or ask me?
Okay.
Okay, so I'm gonna be going now.
(waves crashing)
>> This is nice isn't it?
It's beautiful.
They've got goldfish, turtles,
minnows, guppies.
This is paradise.
To me this is medication, you know.
Makes me wanna sing.
♫ Edel-vine
♫ Dance may you bloom and grow
♫ Bloom and grow forever
You might wanna catch the front and see the eagle.
The truth is I get high without taking my medications.
Anybody that's addicted to highs
doesn't wanna give it up.
Nobody wants to come down.
I don't wanna come down.
I am still alive!
I'd rather live with my disease than take these damn pills.
I've struggled with this bastard disease my whole life.
>> What are you doin' up there, Todd?
>> Being me.
It's like this big huge rock that I have to carry.
And I don't ask no one to help me carry this rock.
I'll carry my own self.
That's beauty.
That's an eagle!
Woo!
I don't have anybody tellin' me what to do.
I don't have to do nothing.
I do what Todd wants to do.
I control my life.
Go guys!
Suppertime!
I like these seagulls better than I do humans.
(somber orchestral music)
>> When he was younger he was just kinda carefree
like any other baby.
He didn't start changing until he had
to start nursery school at age four.
And then he found it a little hard
to adjust to other children.
He just became overwhelmed easily.
You know, he was a cute little guy.
Real cute.
You know, real playful and he was extremely athletic.
He was very active, always wanted to travel
'cause he was kind of a restless boy.
And then he was real, real good in sports
in high school and that he lived for.
He did real well with that up until his sophomore year
when he had a real bad race 'cause he fell down.
He fell down at the state meet
and the coach thought he was on drugs.
And of course it was totally devastating
and then he, all the kids, he wasn't voted captain
the next year and so he quit.
So it was very traumatic for him.
(somber orchestral music)
We're a middle class working family
and you don't expect these things
to happen to your children.
You don't expect to have a child go out
in the street and sleep and that's very hard.
>> I donate plasma.
I get Social Security.
And, uh, I go to churches and I basically ask, you know.
>> And how much do you get for donating plasma?
>> $10, that's it.
And you get colds like you wouldn't believe.
You get colds, you get sick, you feel drained.
Sometimes you feel like you wanna pass out, you know?
But ya need money, you know?
Ya need to survive.
And if they found out I was mentally ill
they'd cut me off just like that.
Come follow me and I'll show you my home.
I live right behind the Greyhound Bus station.
That's my home.
Come on.
This is my patio.
And this is my home.
Home sweet home.
It doesn't bother me.
Maybe it bothers my body.
My body might break down but my mind doesn't mind,
you know what I mean?
>> What's that over there on the wall?
>> That's feces.
It's shit.
It's how I mark my territory.
>> What do those marks mean?
>> You're not welcome.
They're already checkin' us out, we should go.
>> Who's checkin' us out? >> That guy did.
Let's go.
>> Does he know you sleep there?
>> No.
My freedom is the most meaningful thing of my life.
I'm not gonna give it up for nobody.
You don't understand that I'm at war.
Let's bail, gentlemen.
I'm at war.
And I'm winning.
You see me locked in a nut ward?
I am winning.
(airplane rumbling)
>> Well, I came here from Seattle to follow up
on my surgery and I brought my girlfriend, Maureen,
for company and because I was nervous.
>> Have you noticed any improvement,
any worsening in any way?
>> When he's with me he seems okay.
>> Yeah.
>> I think the biggest disappointment in it for me
is that in my private life when Maureen is not around
and I'm in my own apartment and whatever,
is that I'm no different than I was.
I'm no different.
>> I think I see an improvement.
Well, when I first met Glen he could not shoot anymore.
We now do weddings together
and before he could not trust his f-stop.
>> Clearly the underlying illness has not
been dramatically changed, although there are some modest,
I guess you would agree maybe modest improvements.
Having said that, there is a percentage of people
that will get better after a second
and after a third procedure.
The operation is exactly the same as the first one.
The lesions we make on the first time
are fairly small, and the second procedure
we simply enlarge that.
What would you think about a second procedure?
>> Not right away because the first procedure
was so painful that I still
remember it. >> You remember it.
>> So vividly.
And also...
it's too soon.
>> It's easy for me to say, but it seems like
to go this far and not pursue it to the end
would seem kind of futile.
>> Okay, that's good right there.
Lower your head down just a little bit.
That's fine.
(camera clicks)
>> Great.
Pose me.
>> I'll be gettin' one more.
>> When I first met Glen, his hands were cracked
and bleeding and bleeding all over the cameras.
>> I'm gonna bracket a couple.
>> Now they look much better.
My fear is that he'll give up.
>> That's it.
>> I keep tellin' him,
you're not out to pasture yet.
You can improve.
>> That's what I want, just like that.
I just end up going back and forth to doctors.
Things just keep creepin' up
and I get older everyday and pretty soon I'm thinkin',
you know, by the time I, if I ever do get cured,
I'll be so old I'll probably die within three days
after I get cured.
That's beautiful.
Hold on a second.
(camera clicks)
With the windsurfer.
(camera clicks)
>> I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I just wanna get through college.
Well, since I've been in the hospital
I slowly started getting better.
I was really frightened and paranoid for awhile.
I wouldn't talk to anybody
and they put me on Depakote and Risperdal.
Then I slowly started getting better.
I started feeling better.
>> What's going on now
in terms of hearing voices?
>> I don't hear any voices.
>> You don't hear any voices at all?
>> I hear two, but they're not, they're pleasant.
And they're very vague and they're very far removed from me.
I'm working at the Barnard Book Forum right now.
It's right across the street from my school.
According to this it's $2.95.
>> $2.95, okay.
>> I wish I was graduating.
I feel like I've been left behind.
But I'm going back to school and I'll graduate eventually.
Most of my symptoms have gone away.
I don't really hear anything anymore
and I don't really feel sick anymore.
Like, I feel normal again.
>> After how long?
>> Three years.
>> Must be a great feeling.
>> Yeah.
It's a good feeling.
I had to make an adjustment, though.
Like, the voices sort of kept me company.
Like, I'd have these long philosophical conversations
with them about life and God.
I know that sounds really crazy, but it was interesting.
And now I'm, like, by myself all the time.
So it's kind of weird.
The silence is a little eerie sometimes.
But I'm doing much better.
I think a combination of Adam and the medication
has helped my recovery.
I can't get up.
>> Want some help?
>> Adam's really supportive, he's very sweet.
Whoa!
He's very caring.
And he's just a very special person
>> Whoa.
>> You can't get me up.
I can't get up.
>> You can hold on, come on.
>> Woo!
I've been seeing him for about five months,
five and a half months.
>> That hurt?
>> It hurt my wrist.
He introduced himself when I was in the hospital.
I was leaning against the wall.
I was selectively mute.
I was a little paranoid delusional.
I was dressed in this horrible hospital gown,
just looked terrible.
He came up to me and introduced himself
and he told me later 'cause he thought
I looked cute. (laughs)
When I was in St. Luke's I would never imagine
that six months later I would have a very sweet boyfriend.
I really thought my life was over
when I was on that gurney.
I really thought everything was,
I thought I was gonna be committed for life.
I thought I was gonna be there forever.
So, I have to try to rebuild a new life for myself.
That's all very hard starting over.
And you never know what happens.
I could get sick again.
So I'm sure it's gonna be a very rough road.
>> Todd. >> Yeah, hi.
>> What happened?
>> Nothing.
They just said that I smashed some windows
and harassing phone calls.
Nothing too, I didn't kill nobody or nothin',
so it's not so bad.
It's just some people's word over mine.
>> How long have you been in for?
>> Near a month.
>> You've been in here for a month?
>> Mm-hm.
>> What's it like?
>> It's violent.
It's racial.
I witnessed one dude get his ear taken off in a fight.
I was laughin'.
I was absolutely laughin'.
You know, it was like they were slow dancing
and this dude's got the other dude by the ear,
he's goin' (growls).
(men laugh)
I had to get a laugh out of it, you know.
>> How does this compare to the state hospital?
You know, we first filmed you about--
>> This is better than the Lindemann Center.
This is better than the Lindemann Center, okay?
It's better.
>> Why?
>> Don't have any roaches.
The food is about the same.
You got more area to walk around in.
>> You'd rather be here
than be in the hospital, is that what you're saying?
>> Exactly. Exactly.
Because here I know that I can go to court, right?
And they can give me not as much time
as what the Lindemann Center woulda gave me, right?
You know how much time they wanted to give me?
Six fucking months, all right.
>> In that state hospital
where we first filmed you. >> In that state hospital.
Right, six months.
>> Are you takin' your medicine?
>> Yeah, I'm takin' my medicine.
>> Does that make a difference for you?
>> That was then, this is now.
You know, things change with the weather.
>> In other words, do you need your lithium?
>> Yes, I do.
I do need my lithium.
That was a different person back then.
A total different person.
I'm a different person when I'm off my medication.
>> Let me ask you,
do you think you belong here with convicts?
Or you think you belong in a hospital?
Where do you belong?
>> I don't know.
I don't know.
(gavel thudding)
(crowd chattering)
>> The first number, 118.
I might wanna double that also.
>> Okay. >> With him.
(musicians chattering)
(instruments tuning up)
>> This is the first time
that I've been playing since I've had ECT.
So I'm very nervous and just very anxious
about having to see all these people
and get back into a situation where I'm actually playing.
I mean, it's really just been so long
that I don't see myself so much as a musician anymore.
I see myself more as a patient, actually.
>> Measure nine.
(orchestral music)
>> So, it's something that used to feel so natural
and so matter of fact now feels so foreign.
So, I'm just nervous.
>> It's outta tune.
But no accent, no accent on that da-dum.
The figure is
♫ Daaa da dum
not
♫ Dum duh dum ba dum
I need to hear the F sharp, a really nice big F sharp.
♫ Ba ba bum
♫ Baaa da dum
You were changing the strength there?
>> Yeah.
>> Can you not do that?
>> I'm doing it (mumbles).
>> Can you do it all one string?
Yeah.
Bar nine, one, two.
(orchestral music)
>> Through the rehearsals over the last few days
it's just made me realize how much I wanna do this again.
I mean, I feel like it's possible
now that the depression is kind of cleared out of my life.
For such a long time it was there
and it was so overpowering that I didn't think
there was any way I was gonna be able to escape it.
I mean, it was just so consuming
that I just didn't think any of this would be possible.
(orchestral music)
I feel like it's possible to become a musician again.
(musicians chattering)
Yeah, it was a great day.
Yeah.
It's just really...
>> Bar 10? >> Yeah.
>> You kicked some ass.
>> Thanks, thanks.
(somber orchestral music)
>> One.
(camera clicks)
Beautiful.
(rhythmic orchestral music)
(static hissing) (electronic tone reverberates)
(dramatic orchestral music)