1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,004
(dramatic orchestral music)

2
00:00:03,004 --> 00:00:05,754
(static hissing)

3
00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:19,642
(somber orchestral music)

4
00:00:34,038 --> 00:00:35,189
>> It's hard to imagine

5
00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:38,106
what it's like to lose your sanity.

6
00:00:39,964 --> 00:00:43,739
To watch helplessly as you
change from normal to mad

7
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:46,572
and then hope you can change back.

8
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,484
For the better part of the century,

9
00:00:56,484 --> 00:01:00,127
psychiatric patients were
relegated to the back wards

10
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:03,544
and given crude and desperate treatments.

11
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:12,694
That was the best medical
science could offer.

12
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,436
Severe mental illness,
once thought to be caused

13
00:01:18,436 --> 00:01:21,523
by bad parents or evil spirits,

14
00:01:21,523 --> 00:01:25,300
is now viewed as the
result of faulty genes,

15
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,967
illness within the brain itself.

16
00:01:34,716 --> 00:01:37,410
Because of a recent
revolution in neuroscience

17
00:01:37,410 --> 00:01:39,435
there are new biological treatments

18
00:01:39,435 --> 00:01:41,537
for the millions who are needy enough

19
00:01:41,537 --> 00:01:43,848
and brave enough to try them.

20
00:01:43,848 --> 00:01:46,022
(medical machine beeping)

21
00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:48,161
Yet despite all the advances,

22
00:01:48,161 --> 00:01:52,172
the struggle to find the way
back from madness continues.

23
00:01:52,172 --> 00:01:53,238
>> Can you tell us

24
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,450
what is that that's bothering you?

25
00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:57,526
>> I lost my mind.

26
00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:59,437
>> You lost your mind?

27
00:01:59,437 --> 00:02:01,937
How can we help you with that?

28
00:02:04,909 --> 00:02:06,615
(patient mumbles)

29
00:02:06,615 --> 00:02:07,489
I'm sorry, I can't--

30
00:02:07,489 --> 00:02:08,716
>> Give it back.

31
00:02:08,716 --> 00:02:11,299
>> Give it back to you?

32
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:31,206
(siren blaring)

33
00:02:41,855 --> 00:02:44,782
>> I want a cup of coffee with dog food.

34
00:02:44,782 --> 00:02:45,615
>> Okay.

35
00:02:45,615 --> 00:02:49,843
>> That puts me in (stammering) it's true.

36
00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:52,377
Dog food, that's what, I'm a dog!

37
00:02:52,377 --> 00:02:54,161
I was born as a dog!

38
00:02:54,161 --> 00:02:57,165
I want you to start my Haldol back.

39
00:02:57,165 --> 00:02:59,601
(doctors and patients chattering)

40
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:01,761
Ooh, there's a spider.

41
00:03:01,761 --> 00:03:05,610
>> Look, there's a spider.

42
00:03:05,610 --> 00:03:08,345
(patients chattering)

43
00:03:08,345 --> 00:03:10,940
>> I'm not paranoid schizophrenia.

44
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:14,160
I just know what I'm talking about.

45
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,743
It's not my fault, blame Jesus.

46
00:03:17,578 --> 00:03:20,784
>> Like I said yesterday, all
I wanted them to embrace me.

47
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,112
'Cause, like, I'm lost

48
00:03:23,112 --> 00:03:25,585
because people in here don't accept me

49
00:03:25,585 --> 00:03:28,885
and people out there don't accept me.

50
00:03:28,885 --> 00:03:32,692
It's like the only one
that accepts Todd is Todd.

51
00:03:32,692 --> 00:03:35,684
'Cause I can see society, you know?

52
00:03:35,684 --> 00:03:36,979
And it's just like this.

53
00:03:36,979 --> 00:03:38,199
(tapping on window)

54
00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:40,550
That's keepin' me from them, you know?

55
00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:44,660
'Cause like, I'm in a glass
cage lookin' out at them

56
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:48,410
and I can't be out there
with them, you know.

57
00:03:54,058 --> 00:03:57,202
>> I know whose it is.

58
00:03:57,202 --> 00:03:58,701
They come up with a--

59
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:01,633
>> This doctor thinks
there's this voice in my head

60
00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:03,689
named Andrew, you know, that's tellin' me

61
00:04:03,689 --> 00:04:06,350
to do all these things, you know.

62
00:04:06,350 --> 00:04:09,003
She's supposedly my doctor, you know,

63
00:04:09,003 --> 00:04:12,291
and you see the big
doctor-client trust we have.

64
00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:16,528
>> If he goes back out
on the streets untreated

65
00:04:16,528 --> 00:04:18,117
on the wrong medicines

66
00:04:18,117 --> 00:04:22,983
that he's in danger of
hurting somebody pretty badly.

67
00:04:22,983 --> 00:04:26,372
The interesting thing is
when he did take medication

68
00:04:26,372 --> 00:04:29,906
that he was in much better shape.

69
00:04:29,906 --> 00:04:31,100
>> There's a state law.

70
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,183
I can refuse medications.

71
00:04:36,033 --> 00:04:37,116
>> Medication.

72
00:04:38,307 --> 00:04:39,434
Medication!

73
00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:42,663
>> She basically wants to get
me on four different drugs

74
00:04:42,663 --> 00:04:44,623
and I don't want that to happen.

75
00:04:44,623 --> 00:04:46,896
You know what it's like to take Haldol?

76
00:04:46,896 --> 00:04:48,448
Do you know what it's like to take

77
00:04:48,448 --> 00:04:51,046
some of the other psychiatric
drugs they give you?

78
00:04:51,046 --> 00:04:52,449
Turns you into a zombie.

79
00:04:52,449 --> 00:04:54,635
You sleep 14 hours a day.

80
00:04:54,635 --> 00:04:57,319
You can't sit down in one spot.

81
00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:58,934
You can't sit down in one spot.

82
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:02,472
When I was on Haldol here
for 15 minutes at a time

83
00:05:02,472 --> 00:05:05,722
you get so jittery your hands clamp up.

84
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,502
Give Todd a break.

85
00:05:10,502 --> 00:05:12,571
I'll be out of Massachusetts' hair.

86
00:05:12,571 --> 00:05:15,071
Just let me outta those doors.

87
00:05:15,959 --> 00:05:18,151
I'm goin' back to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

88
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:22,082
to enjoy paradise like everybody
else that lives down there.

89
00:05:22,082 --> 00:05:23,539
You know, all those rich people

90
00:05:23,539 --> 00:05:25,237
that got all those boats, those yachts

91
00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:28,501
and they got names for
their yachts, you know.

92
00:05:28,501 --> 00:05:29,779
>> You're not gonna have that,

93
00:05:29,779 --> 00:05:31,584
though, if ya go.

94
00:05:31,584 --> 00:05:35,289
>> I won't have a yacht
but I'll have myself

95
00:05:35,289 --> 00:05:38,237
and I'll be free and
that's what I'll have.

96
00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:39,412
>> John, there's a spider

97
00:05:39,412 --> 00:05:41,097
right near you.
>> Lonesome Cowboy Paul

98
00:05:41,097 --> 00:05:43,966
>> Cowboy Paul.

99
00:05:43,966 --> 00:05:47,549
>> (mumbles) smile.
>> Smile.

100
00:05:53,725 --> 00:05:56,054
>> Ordering a swiss burger, medium rare,

101
00:05:56,054 --> 00:05:58,640
and a chicken salad
sandwich on whole wheat.

102
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,533
(bell dings)

103
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:04,533
(restaurant patrons chattering)

104
00:06:05,459 --> 00:06:07,808
Sometimes at work I do hear voices

105
00:06:07,808 --> 00:06:10,617
and actually people having a conversation

106
00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:12,250
make the hallucination worse.

107
00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,252
>> We're having a really good time.

108
00:06:14,252 --> 00:06:16,918
(diners laughing)

109
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,168
>> I start confusing human voices

110
00:06:18,168 --> 00:06:20,918
with the voices of the psychoses.

111
00:06:22,479 --> 00:06:24,913
And I can't really, and the voices

112
00:06:24,913 --> 00:06:27,663
just start all blending together.

113
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,240
Sometimes it's really
difficult to tune them out,

114
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,123
but I really, I just
sort of bite my tongue

115
00:06:35,123 --> 00:06:36,956
and I just keep going.

116
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,129
What?

117
00:06:40,129 --> 00:06:41,486
>> I said I think that oughta be plenty.

118
00:06:41,486 --> 00:06:42,950
>> Okay.

119
00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:44,499
(diners chattering)

120
00:06:44,499 --> 00:06:45,766
>> Nice.

121
00:06:45,766 --> 00:06:47,682
It looks very good.

122
00:06:47,682 --> 00:06:50,682
(diners chattering)

123
00:07:00,384 --> 00:07:03,307
Probably about two years
ago I felt like somebody

124
00:07:03,307 --> 00:07:04,837
was, like, watching me do my homework

125
00:07:04,837 --> 00:07:07,954
and then I just started hearing
these voices from the sky.

126
00:07:07,954 --> 00:07:09,585
I was in my dorm room for three days.

127
00:07:09,585 --> 00:07:11,614
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep

128
00:07:11,614 --> 00:07:15,781
and I went from being a really
functional, outgoing student,

129
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:20,481
I had a complete nervous breakdown.

130
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,095
I couldn't cross the street.

131
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:24,512
I almost got killed by a bus.

132
00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:29,734
Eight hours would go by,
it seemed like a minute.

133
00:07:29,734 --> 00:07:32,279
I'd just be in, like, this
trance in this little world

134
00:07:32,279 --> 00:07:36,446
and you couldn't talk to me
and I couldn't hear anybody.

135
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:38,839
I did my work.

136
00:07:38,839 --> 00:07:41,127
I turned my papers in on
time, but I'd be alone

137
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:44,816
in my solitude and I'd just
be crying all the time.

138
00:07:44,816 --> 00:07:45,823
I got to the point where I was like

139
00:07:45,823 --> 00:07:47,776
I can't live this way and I would swallow

140
00:07:47,776 --> 00:07:49,823
a box of sleeping pills
and then I'd change my mind

141
00:07:49,823 --> 00:07:51,708
and I'd make myself throw them up.

142
00:07:51,708 --> 00:07:55,262
And I never told anybody
but I'd always get up

143
00:07:55,262 --> 00:07:58,039
the next day and I'd take
a shower and comb my hair

144
00:07:58,039 --> 00:08:01,872
and turn in my Greek
homework and nobody knew.

145
00:08:03,576 --> 00:08:06,409
Nobody knew I was having problems.

146
00:08:09,182 --> 00:08:10,789
>> I met you last week.

147
00:08:10,789 --> 00:08:11,956
>> Mm-hm.
>> Yes.

148
00:08:13,831 --> 00:08:14,664
Okay.

149
00:08:19,406 --> 00:08:21,070
>> Has there been a period of time

150
00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:23,847
where you've gone a week
or more without voices?

151
00:08:23,847 --> 00:08:26,246
>> No, I hear them all the time.

152
00:08:26,246 --> 00:08:27,944
>> So it's a constant
daily struggle for you.

153
00:08:27,944 --> 00:08:28,870
>> Yeah.

154
00:08:28,870 --> 00:08:32,787
>> What we're gonna do
is start Clozapine today.

155
00:08:33,682 --> 00:08:35,979
Everything seems fine.

156
00:08:35,979 --> 00:08:37,763
Your white blood cell count is fine,

157
00:08:37,763 --> 00:08:39,183
which means that we can go ahead

158
00:08:39,183 --> 00:08:41,138
and start the Clozapine, okay?

159
00:08:41,138 --> 00:08:43,703
So, the most important
side effect is the risk

160
00:08:43,703 --> 00:08:45,909
of the medication lowering
your white blood cell count.

161
00:08:45,909 --> 00:08:47,305
>> Right.

162
00:08:47,305 --> 00:08:49,564
>> So that's why when
you return to school,

163
00:08:49,564 --> 00:08:52,370
you'll have to get a
blood test once a week.

164
00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:55,182
See the doctor and get your medication.

165
00:08:55,182 --> 00:08:57,186
>> You just wanna pull your sweater up.

166
00:08:57,186 --> 00:09:01,285
>> Naomi is someone who
seems to have schizophrenia.

167
00:09:01,285 --> 00:09:05,167
Clozapine is a new
medication that we have found

168
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:09,413
to be superior to all other
antipsychotic medications,

169
00:09:09,413 --> 00:09:13,702
so if there's any hope for
Naomi to remain functional,

170
00:09:13,702 --> 00:09:15,035
Clozapine is it.

171
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:36,638
>> Right now, like I'm really
sick, so, it's frightening.

172
00:09:37,983 --> 00:09:40,190
You know, I hear voices
and the more stressed

173
00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:43,139
and worried I am the harder
they are to deal with

174
00:09:43,139 --> 00:09:47,191
because then the voices
tend to be very negative.

175
00:09:47,191 --> 00:09:49,221
So that, like, the more I
worry and the more I stress,

176
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:53,388
the more negative they are,
the more distracting they are.

177
00:09:55,453 --> 00:09:58,370
I think it's just a downward cycle.

178
00:10:06,161 --> 00:10:10,796
There's nothing worse in this
world than losing your sanity.

179
00:10:10,796 --> 00:10:11,664
I grew up with it.

180
00:10:11,664 --> 00:10:13,965
I was used to seeing it.

181
00:10:13,965 --> 00:10:15,968
All I knew was insanity.

182
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:19,173
(somber orchestral music)

183
00:10:19,173 --> 00:10:20,835
My father has manic depression.

184
00:10:20,835 --> 00:10:24,006
My middle brother is
also a manic depressive

185
00:10:24,006 --> 00:10:27,095
and my mom is schizophrenic.

186
00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:30,316
My mom was committed after I was born.

187
00:10:30,316 --> 00:10:32,399
She had shock treatments.

188
00:10:33,359 --> 00:10:35,859
She's been sick my whole life.

189
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:40,091
I was used to it.

190
00:10:40,091 --> 00:10:42,364
I was used to her screaming obscenities

191
00:10:42,364 --> 00:10:45,930
and talking to herself
and carrying around knives

192
00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:48,544
and I could never understand why.

193
00:10:48,544 --> 00:10:50,169
I never understood, why don't you stop it?

194
00:10:50,169 --> 00:10:51,904
Why don't you stop it and be my mommy.

195
00:10:51,904 --> 00:10:53,585
Why are you saying all
these irrational things

196
00:10:53,585 --> 00:10:55,168
I can't understand.

197
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:07,085
What frightens me the most is that,

198
00:11:07,085 --> 00:11:10,335
you know, that I end up like my mother.

199
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:16,375
I wanna leave my mark on the world.

200
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:19,365
Not a big mark, just a
little mark, you know.

201
00:11:19,365 --> 00:11:20,801
I wanna be an English professor,

202
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:23,457
so maybe like an old dusty
book in a library somewhere

203
00:11:23,457 --> 00:11:27,040
that nobody reads, a
few classes, you know.

204
00:11:30,619 --> 00:11:33,792
And there's just certain
things I just wanna fulfill

205
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:35,523
and it's frightening sometimes.

206
00:11:35,523 --> 00:11:37,856
I don't know if I can do it.

207
00:11:46,285 --> 00:11:47,143
>> Glen?
>> Yeah.

208
00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:48,448
>> Hi, I'm Kathy Moony.

209
00:11:48,448 --> 00:11:50,176
I'm one of the nurses
here in the holding area

210
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:51,274
and I'm gonna take you
in and get you ready

211
00:11:51,274 --> 00:11:52,290
for surgery, okay?

212
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:54,457
>> Okay.
>> So come with me.

213
00:12:01,425 --> 00:12:06,379
(patients and doctors chattering)

214
00:12:06,379 --> 00:12:09,951
Okay, I'm just gonna have you
remove your bathrobe, okay?

215
00:12:09,951 --> 00:12:12,111
Yeah, and you can get
right up onto this bed

216
00:12:12,111 --> 00:12:13,746
and I'll cover you up with a blanket.

217
00:12:13,746 --> 00:12:15,250
>> This is the frame you're gonna wear

218
00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,378
when we do the MR scan.

219
00:12:17,378 --> 00:12:19,623
It's not too heavy, and we just put it

220
00:12:19,623 --> 00:12:21,916
right on your head like so.

221
00:12:21,916 --> 00:12:22,749
Get it over your nose.
>> I've been

222
00:12:22,749 --> 00:12:25,209
a photographer all my life.

223
00:12:25,209 --> 00:12:29,982
About three years ago I had to
give it up due to my illness.

224
00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:33,530
>> If you feel any sharp
pain, you just let us know.

225
00:12:33,530 --> 00:12:34,754
We can put some more freezing--

226
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:38,260
>> I have obsessive compulsive disorder

227
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:42,797
and you can't have OCD
and be a happy person.

228
00:12:42,797 --> 00:12:44,751
It just doesn't work that way.

229
00:12:44,751 --> 00:12:46,729
>> Just on the left.
>> Just on the left side?

230
00:12:46,729 --> 00:12:49,530
>> Because you do things that you know

231
00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:53,197
are actually very stupid
and you know better

232
00:12:54,283 --> 00:12:56,533
and you just can't stop it.

233
00:12:57,541 --> 00:13:02,003
I can look at things and I
don't believe what I see.

234
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:04,967
And therefore I don't double check,

235
00:13:04,967 --> 00:13:08,634
I check 10, 15, 20, 30
times the same thing.

236
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:14,157
I check things because
everything has to be perfect.

237
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:19,401
I have to make sure my shoes
are laced up exactly perfect.

238
00:13:20,405 --> 00:13:22,795
I'll go into my closet and
I gotta check to make sure

239
00:13:22,795 --> 00:13:24,145
that it's my coat.

240
00:13:24,145 --> 00:13:25,471
Well, nobody lives with me.

241
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,388
Naturally it's my coat.

242
00:13:29,046 --> 00:13:30,629
I wanna stay clean.

243
00:13:33,077 --> 00:13:36,295
A little is good, more is better

244
00:13:36,295 --> 00:13:40,128
so the hotter the water,
the cleaner my hands.

245
00:13:41,214 --> 00:13:44,714
The more soap I use, the cleaner my hands.

246
00:13:45,562 --> 00:13:48,649
And I would say in a day I use anywhere

247
00:13:48,649 --> 00:13:52,427
from a bar of soap to a
bar and a half of soap.

248
00:13:52,427 --> 00:13:55,154
I could be back here
anywhere from a minute

249
00:13:55,154 --> 00:13:57,821
to an hour doing the same thing.

250
00:13:59,909 --> 00:14:03,414
Sometimes I walk out and I will decide

251
00:14:03,414 --> 00:14:05,669
to take my shoes off and come back in

252
00:14:05,669 --> 00:14:08,419
and repeat the whole thing again.

253
00:14:09,271 --> 00:14:11,843
Like, I've lost all my confidence

254
00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:14,426
in the mechanics of the camera.

255
00:14:15,915 --> 00:14:19,663
I would be checking everything so much

256
00:14:19,663 --> 00:14:23,875
that finally the dad or the
groom would yell down to me,

257
00:14:23,875 --> 00:14:26,314
"Would you take your damn picture?"

258
00:14:26,314 --> 00:14:29,814
(somber orchestral music)

259
00:14:31,654 --> 00:14:34,264
When I was growing up I was very shy

260
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:38,431
and at a very young age
never wanted to get dirty.

261
00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,937
I knew something wasn't right.

262
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:46,958
And it's reasons, I've
been divorced twice.

263
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:53,887
My girlfriend is the real
reason I'm here today,

264
00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:57,637
kinda risking my life
to have this operation.

265
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:08,889
I'm pretty nervous now
and I'm pretty scared.

266
00:15:08,889 --> 00:15:10,884
And a lot of things could go wrong

267
00:15:10,884 --> 00:15:13,211
that would be a thousand times worse

268
00:15:13,211 --> 00:15:15,157
than just washing my hands.

269
00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:16,238
>> Here you can see

270
00:15:16,238 --> 00:15:18,242
the selected target site in the cingulum.

271
00:15:18,242 --> 00:15:21,730
And the tip of our electrode
will be inserted down

272
00:15:21,730 --> 00:15:24,100
to this point and the lesion will be made

273
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:27,019
in the anterior cingulum just like so.

274
00:15:27,019 --> 00:15:29,852
One on the right, one on the left.

275
00:15:31,738 --> 00:15:35,929
The cingulotomy is an
operation on the brain.

276
00:15:35,929 --> 00:15:37,493
We actually destroy a small part

277
00:15:37,493 --> 00:15:40,878
of the brain that is hyperactive.

278
00:15:40,878 --> 00:15:44,795
(suspenseful orchestral music)

279
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,689
Now Glen, this shouldn't hurt.

280
00:15:47,689 --> 00:15:49,509
You may feel some
pressure, but it shouldn't

281
00:15:49,509 --> 00:15:50,877
hurt you at all, okay?

282
00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:51,821
>> All right.

283
00:15:51,821 --> 00:15:53,889
>> In the past surgery procedures

284
00:15:53,889 --> 00:15:56,056
that were done were crude.

285
00:15:58,301 --> 00:16:01,176
That's not hurting you, right?

286
00:16:01,176 --> 00:16:03,383
You just hear a sound and a vibration?

287
00:16:03,383 --> 00:16:04,856
The lobotomies that were performed

288
00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,257
in the '30s and '40s were done

289
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,536
because there was no
other effective treatment,

290
00:16:08,536 --> 00:16:10,364
but five to 10 percent of the people

291
00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:11,945
died from the operation.

292
00:16:11,945 --> 00:16:15,392
(dramatic orchestral music)

293
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:18,889
It was a procedure that was
almost indiscriminately applied.

294
00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:19,970
>> Transorbital lobotomy

295
00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:23,049
has further advantages in
that it leaves no scar.

296
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,758
It is performed through an operating field

297
00:16:24,758 --> 00:16:27,643
that is normally sterile
and the stiff tarsal plate

298
00:16:27,643 --> 00:16:28,713
forms an ideal reinforcement--

299
00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:30,293
>> There were tremendous side effects

300
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:33,038
associated with the procedure.

301
00:16:33,038 --> 00:16:35,959
There was cognitive impairment, seizures,

302
00:16:35,959 --> 00:16:39,209
memory disturbance, personality change.

303
00:16:42,842 --> 00:16:45,660
The cingulotomy is a very safe procedure.

304
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:49,119
(soft orchestral music)

305
00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:52,036
First we're gonna insert the probe.

306
00:16:53,065 --> 00:16:55,439
Can you wiggle your toes, Glen, again?

307
00:16:55,439 --> 00:16:56,788
Good.

308
00:16:56,788 --> 00:16:58,810
Okay, we're gonna start the lesion.

309
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:00,458
Get a temperature.

310
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:02,283
>> (mumbles) degrees.

311
00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:03,668
>> Okay, we're making the lesion.

312
00:17:03,668 --> 00:17:05,708
Make the lesion.

313
00:17:05,708 --> 00:17:07,458
Temperature going up.

314
00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:12,036
How you doing, Glen?

315
00:17:12,036 --> 00:17:13,463
>> Okay.
>> You okay?

316
00:17:13,463 --> 00:17:14,630
>> Yeah.

317
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:17,191
>> We're almost done now, all right?

318
00:17:17,191 --> 00:17:19,638
You've done very, very well.

319
00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:21,972
Everything's gone just fine.

320
00:17:23,998 --> 00:17:25,036
We're almost done.

321
00:17:25,036 --> 00:17:27,513
We're just closing the skin.

322
00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:28,347
We'll get this frame off your head

323
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:29,580
and put a little bandage on and get you

324
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:31,913
onto a more comfortable bed.

325
00:17:34,955 --> 00:17:36,288
I got your neck.

326
00:17:38,198 --> 00:17:40,517
Oh, watch his nose.

327
00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:44,978
Okay, now get him a pillow,
get him a comfy pillow here.

328
00:17:44,978 --> 00:17:47,411
Great, wiggle your fingers for us.

329
00:17:47,411 --> 00:17:48,876
Great.

330
00:17:48,876 --> 00:17:49,768
You did very well.

331
00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:50,601
You can still play the piano.

332
00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:51,434
>> Still play the piano.

333
00:17:51,434 --> 00:17:52,267
>> Great.

334
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:53,241
>> Could you play it before?

335
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,203
>> No.
(doctors and nurses chuckle)

336
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:56,541
>> Glen, everything went very nicely

337
00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:57,687
and you did very well, okay?

338
00:17:57,687 --> 00:17:58,530
>> Huh?

339
00:17:58,530 --> 00:17:59,716
>> Everything went very nicely.

340
00:17:59,716 --> 00:18:01,346
>> Huh?
>> (chuckles) You did well.

341
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:04,263
(nurses chuckling)

342
00:18:21,624 --> 00:18:24,541
(orchestral music)

343
00:18:32,698 --> 00:18:34,460
>> Over the last two years

344
00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:37,710
there's been a very serious depression.

345
00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:42,489
Then over the last six months

346
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,072
it's gotten increasingly worse.

347
00:19:04,174 --> 00:19:05,835
Physically it gets to the point

348
00:19:05,835 --> 00:19:09,474
where all I can do is lay in bed all day.

349
00:19:09,474 --> 00:19:11,720
And mentally and emotionally
it gets to the point

350
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,887
where I'd rather be dead
than living the way I am.

351
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:21,595
It's not such an active
feeling of death or suicide.

352
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:23,487
There's just a feeling that
nothing can be worse than that

353
00:19:23,487 --> 00:19:27,654
and the only way to alleviate
the pain is to be dead.

354
00:19:30,678 --> 00:19:33,617
I'm holding off a real
attempt towards suicide

355
00:19:33,617 --> 00:19:36,034
because if I do try it again,

356
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,214
I don't want it to be
something that fails.

357
00:19:39,214 --> 00:19:41,830
I want it to be something
that'll be successful,

358
00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:45,260
so I won't have to go through the trouble

359
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:49,427
or the misery of having to
face everyone if it failed.

360
00:19:54,072 --> 00:19:57,635
I'm a musician and I
haven't been able to play.

361
00:19:57,635 --> 00:20:00,106
All I see is the thing
that I've prepared to do

362
00:20:00,106 --> 00:20:03,114
my whole life is just not going anywhere.

363
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:06,229
(orchestral music)

364
00:20:06,229 --> 00:20:08,966
The first time I ever played music I guess

365
00:20:08,966 --> 00:20:13,133
was when I was two I used to
crawl up and play the piano.

366
00:20:14,677 --> 00:20:18,249
I started playing viola when I was nine.

367
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:21,517
I went to Juilliard for my Masters Degree.

368
00:20:21,517 --> 00:20:23,141
I played with the Juilliard Orchestra

369
00:20:23,141 --> 00:20:24,998
in New York and in France and I played

370
00:20:24,998 --> 00:20:27,253
with the Tanglewood
Music Center Orchestra,

371
00:20:27,253 --> 00:20:29,312
the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.

372
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:32,979
It's just the thing
I've always wanted to do

373
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,901
and it's not gonna be
possible if I'm like this.

374
00:20:42,226 --> 00:20:44,120
It feels like this is my last hope

375
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:48,037
for something that can
completely make me well.

376
00:20:50,064 --> 00:20:51,493
>> Come on in and we're
gonna do the treatment

377
00:20:51,493 --> 00:20:52,326
in a couple of minutes.

378
00:20:52,326 --> 00:20:53,797
>> Okay.

379
00:20:53,797 --> 00:20:56,714
(machines beeping)

380
00:21:02,018 --> 00:21:05,885
>> Doctor Drop is going to
inject your medications,

381
00:21:05,885 --> 00:21:08,205
a short acting sleeping medication

382
00:21:08,205 --> 00:21:10,030
and then a muscle relaxant.

383
00:21:10,030 --> 00:21:12,825
For you it's gonna be like
taking a five minute nap.

384
00:21:12,825 --> 00:21:14,434
>> Okay.
>> All right?

385
00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:18,434
You're gonna be going to
sleep in a few seconds.

386
00:21:20,978 --> 00:21:22,371
Okay, you're gonna start to feel yourself

387
00:21:22,371 --> 00:21:25,174
getting a little sleepy now.

388
00:21:25,174 --> 00:21:28,007
(machine beeping)

389
00:21:39,307 --> 00:21:41,333
Electroconvulsive therapy is simply

390
00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:44,225
the intentional induction
of a grand mal seizure

391
00:21:44,225 --> 00:21:47,722
under very controlled circumstances.

392
00:21:47,722 --> 00:21:50,727
For some reason seizure
normalizes brain chemistry

393
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:54,231
through mechanisms that we
really don't understand.

394
00:21:54,231 --> 00:21:57,398
The treatment electrodes are going on.

395
00:21:58,371 --> 00:21:59,288
Looks good.

396
00:22:00,817 --> 00:22:03,296
Now, if we didn't medicate
the patient first,

397
00:22:03,296 --> 00:22:05,293
it would be a violent treatment

398
00:22:05,293 --> 00:22:07,577
and it was when it was first invented.

399
00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:11,077
(somber orchestral music)

400
00:22:13,604 --> 00:22:17,347
During the post-war era,
the treatment was overused

401
00:22:17,347 --> 00:22:20,347
and sometimes indiscriminately used.

402
00:22:29,176 --> 00:22:32,343
Patients frequently had bone fractures

403
00:22:33,374 --> 00:22:37,541
during this treatment before
the use of muscle relaxants.

404
00:22:38,407 --> 00:22:41,167
In the past ECT was done with a technique

405
00:22:41,167 --> 00:22:45,091
which caused a great deal
of memory disturbance.

406
00:22:45,091 --> 00:22:47,619
And consequently I think
many people experienced

407
00:22:47,619 --> 00:22:51,786
severe impairment of their
memory and their intellect.

408
00:22:54,725 --> 00:22:58,308
It's a different
treatment now technically.

409
00:23:00,522 --> 00:23:02,189
Here's the stimulus.

410
00:23:10,377 --> 00:23:15,157
>> We're at .75 seconds stimulus duration.

411
00:23:15,157 --> 00:23:17,990
(machine beeping)

412
00:23:23,092 --> 00:23:26,092
>> Good seizure, good generalization.

413
00:23:30,393 --> 00:23:32,548
And that's the end of the seizure.

414
00:23:32,548 --> 00:23:33,381
>> Done.

415
00:23:35,841 --> 00:23:37,076
>> You had your treatment.

416
00:23:37,076 --> 00:23:39,146
You're all done, okay?

417
00:23:39,146 --> 00:23:41,949
Probably feelin' a little
bit groggy right now.

418
00:23:41,949 --> 00:23:45,449
All right, but that's from the medication.

419
00:23:53,391 --> 00:23:57,474
>> I've been feeling very
bad for about two years.

420
00:24:02,504 --> 00:24:06,671
And now I had my ECT, my first
ECT treatment two days ago

421
00:24:08,464 --> 00:24:11,297
and now I feel miraculously better

422
00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:14,906
and that isn't just an
adverb to go with it.

423
00:24:14,906 --> 00:24:17,450
It really is miraculous.

424
00:24:17,450 --> 00:24:18,617
I think, um...

425
00:24:22,873 --> 00:24:24,873
Just everything, I mean,

426
00:24:27,427 --> 00:24:30,068
the way I'm thinking, the way I feel,

427
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:32,751
the way I look at everything and can see

428
00:24:32,751 --> 00:24:36,168
and perceive everything is different now.

429
00:24:39,419 --> 00:24:41,919
(viola music)

430
00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:08,975
(viola music goes out of tune)

431
00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:11,148
Oh, I can't do this.

432
00:25:11,148 --> 00:25:13,648
(viola music)

433
00:25:15,167 --> 00:25:16,500
I can't do this.

434
00:25:18,024 --> 00:25:21,524
(out of tune viola music)

435
00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:44,165
It makes me sad that I can't
play my viola. (exhales)

436
00:25:49,038 --> 00:25:50,301
But I don't know.

437
00:25:50,301 --> 00:25:54,218
I just don't know how
I'm supposed to feel now.

438
00:26:01,699 --> 00:26:03,063
>> So it's been awhile.

439
00:26:03,063 --> 00:26:04,563
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.

440
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:06,555
About almost three months really.

441
00:26:06,555 --> 00:26:07,960
>> Yeah.

442
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,086
>> The medication, what's it been like?

443
00:26:11,086 --> 00:26:13,166
The Klonopin.
>> I've had, like,

444
00:26:13,166 --> 00:26:14,709
a really hard time with it.

445
00:26:14,709 --> 00:26:15,840
>> Yeah.
>> It's just very hard

446
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:16,933
for me to get up in the morning.

447
00:26:16,933 --> 00:26:21,564
I'm very sick in the morning
and I'm still hearing voices.

448
00:26:21,564 --> 00:26:24,934
I took a harder schedule than I should've.

449
00:26:24,934 --> 00:26:25,951
I was fine.

450
00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:28,231
Like, I went to school and
I had the psychotic symptoms

451
00:26:28,231 --> 00:26:30,196
and stuff, but my classes weren't,

452
00:26:30,196 --> 00:26:31,904
I mean, I learned a lot, they were hard,

453
00:26:31,904 --> 00:26:33,694
but they weren't as hard as this.

454
00:26:33,694 --> 00:26:36,370
So, I'm gonna have to
take incomplete or two

455
00:26:36,370 --> 00:26:41,339
and falling a little behind,
but I'm dealing with it.

456
00:26:41,339 --> 00:26:42,872
Like, people need their solitude?

457
00:26:42,872 --> 00:26:44,989
Like, I don't feel like
I have a private life

458
00:26:44,989 --> 00:26:47,572
or any sort of solitude at all.

459
00:26:48,563 --> 00:26:51,761
>> Okay, so it's a really hard time.

460
00:26:51,761 --> 00:26:53,011
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.

461
00:27:18,981 --> 00:27:22,248
>> Are you still optimistic?

462
00:27:22,248 --> 00:27:23,919
>> I don't know, I guess
should be 'cause they say

463
00:27:23,919 --> 00:27:25,719
part of it is psychological.

464
00:27:25,719 --> 00:27:28,380
Like, you have to want the
medicine to work to work,

465
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:32,023
so I guess I should be,
but I'm a little skeptical.

466
00:27:32,023 --> 00:27:33,367
>> I mean, I am a little,

467
00:27:33,367 --> 00:27:37,284
this is, like, the fifth
medicine I've been on.

468
00:27:39,051 --> 00:27:43,046
I want it to work but at the same time

469
00:27:43,046 --> 00:27:45,826
I sort of wonder if I'm
gonna have to live this way

470
00:27:45,826 --> 00:27:47,826
for the rest of my life.

471
00:27:53,354 --> 00:27:56,021
(siren blaring)

472
00:28:13,403 --> 00:28:14,403
>> Hi, Naomi?

473
00:28:19,505 --> 00:28:23,672
I just wanna make sure you're
clear on what's happening.

474
00:28:25,132 --> 00:28:29,452
You know from what I've
heard from your roommate,

475
00:28:29,452 --> 00:28:31,773
you know, and also from your brother,

476
00:28:31,773 --> 00:28:33,862
Harry called me as well.

477
00:28:33,862 --> 00:28:35,150
I know that things apparently got

478
00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:37,817
out of control in the apartment.

479
00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:43,603
Apparently at this point we're gonna

480
00:28:43,603 --> 00:28:46,270
have to try something different.

481
00:28:47,692 --> 00:28:50,166
Unfortunately, the Clozaril just wasn't

482
00:28:50,166 --> 00:28:52,583
doing what we hoped it would.

483
00:28:54,051 --> 00:28:55,957
All right, I know you don't wanna talk

484
00:28:55,957 --> 00:28:59,975
and so I don't wanna push you about that.

485
00:28:59,975 --> 00:29:01,878
Okay, but we will try
to do whatever we can

486
00:29:01,878 --> 00:29:03,878
to make you comfortable.

487
00:29:05,378 --> 00:29:07,624
You know, if you have
questions please ask.

488
00:29:07,624 --> 00:29:11,596
If you have questions about
what's going on, please ask.

489
00:29:11,596 --> 00:29:13,596
We'll explain it to you.

490
00:29:14,944 --> 00:29:17,383
You know, and as we come up with a plan

491
00:29:17,383 --> 00:29:19,293
about what to do about the medication

492
00:29:19,293 --> 00:29:22,316
to try to control the symptoms,

493
00:29:22,316 --> 00:29:25,227
you know obviously we'll go over that

494
00:29:25,227 --> 00:29:27,229
and explain that with you also.

495
00:29:27,229 --> 00:29:30,729
(somber orchestral music)

496
00:29:31,648 --> 00:29:35,315
Is there anything you
want to say or ask me?

497
00:29:42,512 --> 00:29:43,345
Okay.

498
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:49,911
Okay, so I'm gonna be going now.

499
00:30:02,102 --> 00:30:04,852
(waves crashing)

500
00:30:14,683 --> 00:30:17,325
>> This is nice isn't it?

501
00:30:17,325 --> 00:30:19,189
It's beautiful.

502
00:30:19,189 --> 00:30:21,689
They've got goldfish, turtles,

503
00:30:23,481 --> 00:30:24,898
minnows, guppies.

504
00:30:25,768 --> 00:30:27,127
This is paradise.

505
00:30:27,127 --> 00:30:29,429
To me this is medication, you know.

506
00:30:29,429 --> 00:30:31,096
Makes me wanna sing.

507
00:30:32,181 --> 00:30:34,244
♫ Edel-vine

508
00:30:34,244 --> 00:30:36,839
♫ Edel-vine

509
00:30:36,839 --> 00:30:40,391
♫ Dance may you bloom and grow

510
00:30:40,391 --> 00:30:43,808
♫ Bloom and grow forever

511
00:30:49,030 --> 00:30:53,197
You might wanna catch the
front and see the eagle.

512
00:30:55,571 --> 00:30:59,738
The truth is I get high
without taking my medications.

513
00:31:01,341 --> 00:31:04,002
Anybody that's addicted to highs

514
00:31:04,002 --> 00:31:05,137
doesn't wanna give it up.

515
00:31:05,137 --> 00:31:06,326
Nobody wants to come down.

516
00:31:06,326 --> 00:31:08,082
I don't wanna come down.

517
00:31:08,082 --> 00:31:09,499
I am still alive!

518
00:31:10,802 --> 00:31:14,343
I'd rather live with my disease
than take these damn pills.

519
00:31:14,343 --> 00:31:17,463
I've struggled with this
bastard disease my whole life.

520
00:31:17,463 --> 00:31:19,600
>> What are you doin' up there, Todd?

521
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:20,517
>> Being me.

522
00:31:21,484 --> 00:31:24,895
It's like this big huge
rock that I have to carry.

523
00:31:24,895 --> 00:31:27,676
And I don't ask no one to
help me carry this rock.

524
00:31:27,676 --> 00:31:29,593
I'll carry my own self.

525
00:31:30,541 --> 00:31:31,801
That's beauty.

526
00:31:31,801 --> 00:31:33,596
That's an eagle!

527
00:31:33,596 --> 00:31:34,429
Woo!

528
00:31:35,771 --> 00:31:39,285
I don't have anybody
tellin' me what to do.

529
00:31:39,285 --> 00:31:41,535
I don't have to do nothing.

530
00:31:42,989 --> 00:31:45,239
I do what Todd wants to do.

531
00:31:48,596 --> 00:31:50,096
I control my life.

532
00:31:51,193 --> 00:31:52,404
Go guys!

533
00:31:52,404 --> 00:31:53,321
Suppertime!

534
00:31:57,333 --> 00:32:01,078
I like these seagulls
better than I do humans.

535
00:32:01,078 --> 00:32:04,578
(somber orchestral music)

536
00:32:07,618 --> 00:32:10,713
>> When he was younger he
was just kinda carefree

537
00:32:10,713 --> 00:32:12,380
like any other baby.

538
00:32:14,157 --> 00:32:15,825
He didn't start changing until he had

539
00:32:15,825 --> 00:32:18,825
to start nursery school at age four.

540
00:32:19,781 --> 00:32:21,667
And then he found it a little hard

541
00:32:21,667 --> 00:32:24,000
to adjust to other children.

542
00:32:25,725 --> 00:32:28,558
He just became overwhelmed easily.

543
00:32:31,695 --> 00:32:33,941
You know, he was a cute little guy.

544
00:32:33,941 --> 00:32:34,774
Real cute.

545
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:40,538
You know, real playful and
he was extremely athletic.

546
00:32:40,538 --> 00:32:42,915
He was very active,
always wanted to travel

547
00:32:42,915 --> 00:32:45,998
'cause he was kind of a restless boy.

548
00:32:56,653 --> 00:32:58,758
And then he was real, real good in sports

549
00:32:58,758 --> 00:33:01,841
in high school and that he lived for.

550
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,162
He did real well with that
up until his sophomore year

551
00:33:06,162 --> 00:33:09,802
when he had a real bad
race 'cause he fell down.

552
00:33:09,802 --> 00:33:11,485
He fell down at the state meet

553
00:33:11,485 --> 00:33:14,513
and the coach thought he was on drugs.

554
00:33:14,513 --> 00:33:16,065
And of course it was totally devastating

555
00:33:16,065 --> 00:33:19,105
and then he, all the kids,
he wasn't voted captain

556
00:33:19,105 --> 00:33:21,671
the next year and so he quit.

557
00:33:21,671 --> 00:33:24,421
So it was very traumatic for him.

558
00:33:25,575 --> 00:33:29,075
(somber orchestral music)

559
00:33:30,545 --> 00:33:32,951
We're a middle class working family

560
00:33:32,951 --> 00:33:35,274
and you don't expect these things

561
00:33:35,274 --> 00:33:37,996
to happen to your children.

562
00:33:37,996 --> 00:33:39,980
You don't expect to have a child go out

563
00:33:39,980 --> 00:33:43,730
in the street and sleep
and that's very hard.

564
00:33:47,061 --> 00:33:48,646
>> I donate plasma.

565
00:33:48,646 --> 00:33:50,644
I get Social Security.

566
00:33:50,644 --> 00:33:54,811
And, uh, I go to churches and
I basically ask, you know.

567
00:33:56,021 --> 00:33:58,365
>> And how much do you
get for donating plasma?

568
00:33:58,365 --> 00:34:00,190
>> $10, that's it.

569
00:34:00,190 --> 00:34:03,279
And you get colds like
you wouldn't believe.

570
00:34:03,279 --> 00:34:06,949
You get colds, you get
sick, you feel drained.

571
00:34:06,949 --> 00:34:10,792
Sometimes you feel like you
wanna pass out, you know?

572
00:34:10,792 --> 00:34:12,539
But ya need money, you know?

573
00:34:12,539 --> 00:34:14,121
Ya need to survive.

574
00:34:15,043 --> 00:34:17,594
And if they found out I was mentally ill

575
00:34:17,594 --> 00:34:20,344
they'd cut me off just like that.

576
00:34:22,150 --> 00:34:25,568
Come follow me and I'll show you my home.

577
00:34:26,722 --> 00:34:28,665
I live right behind the
Greyhound Bus station.

578
00:34:28,665 --> 00:34:29,915
That's my home.

579
00:34:35,601 --> 00:34:37,045
Come on.

580
00:34:37,045 --> 00:34:38,463
This is my patio.

581
00:34:41,539 --> 00:34:43,460
And this is my home.

582
00:34:43,460 --> 00:34:44,793
Home sweet home.

583
00:34:48,460 --> 00:34:49,599
It doesn't bother me.

584
00:34:49,599 --> 00:34:50,678
Maybe it bothers my body.

585
00:34:50,678 --> 00:34:53,272
My body might break down
but my mind doesn't mind,

586
00:34:53,272 --> 00:34:54,693
you know what I mean?

587
00:34:54,693 --> 00:34:56,947
>> What's that over there on the wall?

588
00:34:56,947 --> 00:34:58,960
>> That's feces.

589
00:34:58,960 --> 00:34:59,793
It's shit.

590
00:35:00,827 --> 00:35:03,003
It's how I mark my territory.

591
00:35:03,003 --> 00:35:04,556
>> What do those marks mean?

592
00:35:04,556 --> 00:35:06,916
>> You're not welcome.

593
00:35:06,916 --> 00:35:09,128
They're already checkin'
us out, we should go.

594
00:35:09,128 --> 00:35:10,458
>> Who's checkin' us out?
>> That guy did.

595
00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:11,292
Let's go.

596
00:35:11,292 --> 00:35:12,703
>> Does he know you sleep there?

597
00:35:12,703 --> 00:35:13,536
>> No.

598
00:35:16,506 --> 00:35:18,862
My freedom is the most
meaningful thing of my life.

599
00:35:18,862 --> 00:35:21,862
I'm not gonna give it up for nobody.

600
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,991
You don't understand that I'm at war.

601
00:35:26,991 --> 00:35:28,510
Let's bail, gentlemen.

602
00:35:28,510 --> 00:35:29,427
I'm at war.

603
00:35:31,783 --> 00:35:33,116
And I'm winning.

604
00:35:34,446 --> 00:35:36,594
You see me locked in a nut ward?

605
00:35:36,594 --> 00:35:37,677
I am winning.

606
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,840
(airplane rumbling)

607
00:35:57,509 --> 00:36:01,162
>> Well, I came here
from Seattle to follow up

608
00:36:01,162 --> 00:36:05,016
on my surgery and I brought
my girlfriend, Maureen,

609
00:36:05,016 --> 00:36:08,400
for company and because I was nervous.

610
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:09,904
>> Have you noticed any improvement,

611
00:36:09,904 --> 00:36:11,987
any worsening in any way?

612
00:36:15,284 --> 00:36:18,641
>> When he's with me he seems okay.

613
00:36:18,641 --> 00:36:19,684
>> Yeah.

614
00:36:19,684 --> 00:36:24,299
>> I think the biggest
disappointment in it for me

615
00:36:24,299 --> 00:36:28,466
is that in my private life
when Maureen is not around

616
00:36:29,585 --> 00:36:33,706
and I'm in my own apartment and whatever,

617
00:36:33,706 --> 00:36:36,835
is that I'm no different than I was.

618
00:36:36,835 --> 00:36:38,252
I'm no different.

619
00:36:39,099 --> 00:36:41,303
>> I think I see an improvement.

620
00:36:41,303 --> 00:36:44,633
Well, when I first met Glen
he could not shoot anymore.

621
00:36:44,633 --> 00:36:46,883
We now do weddings together

622
00:36:49,245 --> 00:36:52,662
and before he could not trust his f-stop.

623
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,873
>> Clearly the underlying illness has not

624
00:36:56,873 --> 00:37:00,745
been dramatically changed,
although there are some modest,

625
00:37:00,745 --> 00:37:04,176
I guess you would agree
maybe modest improvements.

626
00:37:04,176 --> 00:37:07,488
Having said that, there
is a percentage of people

627
00:37:07,488 --> 00:37:08,845
that will get better after a second

628
00:37:08,845 --> 00:37:10,498
and after a third procedure.

629
00:37:10,498 --> 00:37:13,802
The operation is exactly
the same as the first one.

630
00:37:13,802 --> 00:37:15,789
The lesions we make on the first time

631
00:37:15,789 --> 00:37:18,543
are fairly small, and the second procedure

632
00:37:18,543 --> 00:37:20,362
we simply enlarge that.

633
00:37:20,362 --> 00:37:24,195
What would you think
about a second procedure?

634
00:37:25,457 --> 00:37:29,124
>> Not right away because
the first procedure

635
00:37:31,084 --> 00:37:33,334
was so painful that I still

636
00:37:34,773 --> 00:37:36,109
remember it.
>> You remember it.

637
00:37:36,109 --> 00:37:37,192
>> So vividly.

638
00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:39,590
And also...

639
00:37:42,627 --> 00:37:44,378
it's too soon.

640
00:37:44,378 --> 00:37:47,107
>> It's easy for me to
say, but it seems like

641
00:37:47,107 --> 00:37:50,151
to go this far and not
pursue it to the end

642
00:37:50,151 --> 00:37:52,318
would seem kind of futile.

643
00:37:54,934 --> 00:37:57,811
>> Okay, that's good right there.

644
00:37:57,811 --> 00:37:59,794
Lower your head down just a little bit.

645
00:37:59,794 --> 00:38:00,885
That's fine.

646
00:38:00,885 --> 00:38:02,562
(camera clicks)

647
00:38:02,562 --> 00:38:03,395
>> Great.

648
00:38:03,395 --> 00:38:04,413
Pose me.

649
00:38:04,413 --> 00:38:05,497
>> I'll be gettin' one more.

650
00:38:05,497 --> 00:38:09,144
>> When I first met Glen,
his hands were cracked

651
00:38:09,144 --> 00:38:13,316
and bleeding and bleeding
all over the cameras.

652
00:38:13,316 --> 00:38:15,240
>> I'm gonna bracket a couple.

653
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:18,407
>> Now they look much better.

654
00:38:19,947 --> 00:38:22,751
My fear is that he'll give up.

655
00:38:22,751 --> 00:38:23,751
>> That's it.

656
00:38:24,819 --> 00:38:25,766
>> I keep tellin' him,

657
00:38:25,766 --> 00:38:28,648
you're not out to pasture yet.

658
00:38:28,648 --> 00:38:29,981
You can improve.

659
00:38:30,815 --> 00:38:32,394
>> That's what I want, just like that.

660
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:34,431
I just end up going back
and forth to doctors.

661
00:38:34,431 --> 00:38:36,273
Things just keep creepin' up

662
00:38:36,273 --> 00:38:38,853
and I get older everyday and
pretty soon I'm thinkin',

663
00:38:38,853 --> 00:38:41,294
you know, by the time I,
if I ever do get cured,

664
00:38:41,294 --> 00:38:43,279
I'll be so old I'll probably
die within three days

665
00:38:43,279 --> 00:38:45,369
after I get cured.

666
00:38:45,369 --> 00:38:47,190
That's beautiful.

667
00:38:47,190 --> 00:38:49,354
Hold on a second.

668
00:38:49,354 --> 00:38:52,021
(camera clicks)

669
00:38:52,906 --> 00:38:54,642
With the windsurfer.

670
00:38:54,642 --> 00:38:57,309
(camera clicks)

671
00:39:00,543 --> 00:39:01,554
>> I don't know.

672
00:39:01,554 --> 00:39:04,971
I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

673
00:39:05,921 --> 00:39:09,504
Right now I just wanna
get through college.

674
00:39:11,093 --> 00:39:13,246
Well, since I've been in the hospital

675
00:39:13,246 --> 00:39:15,228
I slowly started getting better.

676
00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:16,981
I was really frightened
and paranoid for awhile.

677
00:39:16,981 --> 00:39:18,601
I wouldn't talk to anybody

678
00:39:18,601 --> 00:39:21,307
and they put me on Depakote and Risperdal.

679
00:39:21,307 --> 00:39:22,544
Then I slowly started getting better.

680
00:39:22,544 --> 00:39:24,627
I started feeling better.

681
00:39:27,647 --> 00:39:29,077
>> What's going on now

682
00:39:29,077 --> 00:39:30,580
in terms of hearing voices?

683
00:39:30,580 --> 00:39:32,747
>> I don't hear any voices.

684
00:39:37,233 --> 00:39:39,142
>> You don't hear any voices at all?

685
00:39:39,142 --> 00:39:42,808
>> I hear two, but they're
not, they're pleasant.

686
00:39:42,808 --> 00:39:46,975
And they're very vague and
they're very far removed from me.

687
00:39:50,234 --> 00:39:52,702
I'm working at the Barnard
Book Forum right now.

688
00:39:52,702 --> 00:39:56,256
It's right across the
street from my school.

689
00:39:56,256 --> 00:39:58,068
According to this it's $2.95.

690
00:39:58,068 --> 00:39:59,996
>> $2.95, okay.

691
00:39:59,996 --> 00:40:01,817
>> I wish I was graduating.

692
00:40:01,817 --> 00:40:05,261
I feel like I've been left behind.

693
00:40:05,261 --> 00:40:09,428
But I'm going back to school
and I'll graduate eventually.

694
00:40:12,557 --> 00:40:13,924
Most of my symptoms have gone away.

695
00:40:13,924 --> 00:40:15,832
I don't really hear anything anymore

696
00:40:15,832 --> 00:40:19,274
and I don't really feel sick anymore.

697
00:40:19,274 --> 00:40:22,198
Like, I feel normal again.

698
00:40:22,198 --> 00:40:23,927
>> After how long?

699
00:40:23,927 --> 00:40:25,094
>> Three years.

700
00:40:25,979 --> 00:40:27,973
>> Must be a great feeling.

701
00:40:27,973 --> 00:40:28,806
>> Yeah.

702
00:40:29,774 --> 00:40:32,117
It's a good feeling.

703
00:40:32,117 --> 00:40:33,890
I had to make an adjustment, though.

704
00:40:33,890 --> 00:40:35,607
Like, the voices sort of kept me company.

705
00:40:35,607 --> 00:40:37,589
Like, I'd have these long
philosophical conversations

706
00:40:37,589 --> 00:40:39,742
with them about life and God.

707
00:40:39,742 --> 00:40:43,256
I know that sounds really
crazy, but it was interesting.

708
00:40:43,256 --> 00:40:46,524
And now I'm, like, by myself all the time.

709
00:40:46,524 --> 00:40:47,741
So it's kind of weird.

710
00:40:47,741 --> 00:40:51,437
The silence is a little eerie sometimes.

711
00:40:51,437 --> 00:40:53,604
But I'm doing much better.

712
00:41:01,679 --> 00:41:03,913
I think a combination of
Adam and the medication

713
00:41:03,913 --> 00:41:05,605
has helped my recovery.

714
00:41:05,605 --> 00:41:06,863
I can't get up.

715
00:41:06,863 --> 00:41:08,280
>> Want some help?

716
00:41:09,141 --> 00:41:11,106
>> Adam's really
supportive, he's very sweet.

717
00:41:11,106 --> 00:41:12,379
Whoa!

718
00:41:12,379 --> 00:41:13,796
He's very caring.

719
00:41:15,276 --> 00:41:17,520
And he's just a very special person

720
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:18,368
>> Whoa.

721
00:41:18,368 --> 00:41:19,635
>> You can't get me up.

722
00:41:19,635 --> 00:41:20,510
I can't get up.

723
00:41:20,510 --> 00:41:23,185
>> You can hold on, come on.

724
00:41:23,185 --> 00:41:24,018
>> Woo!

725
00:41:25,935 --> 00:41:28,240
I've been seeing him
for about five months,

726
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:29,380
five and a half months.

727
00:41:29,380 --> 00:41:30,536
>> That hurt?

728
00:41:30,536 --> 00:41:31,760
>> It hurt my wrist.

729
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,282
He introduced himself when
I was in the hospital.

730
00:41:34,282 --> 00:41:35,768
I was leaning against the wall.

731
00:41:35,768 --> 00:41:37,328
I was selectively mute.

732
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,408
I was a little paranoid delusional.

733
00:41:39,408 --> 00:41:42,831
I was dressed in this
horrible hospital gown,

734
00:41:42,831 --> 00:41:44,349
just looked terrible.

735
00:41:44,349 --> 00:41:45,747
He came up to me and introduced himself

736
00:41:45,747 --> 00:41:46,969
and he told me later 'cause he thought

737
00:41:46,969 --> 00:41:50,386
I looked cute. (laughs)

738
00:41:53,905 --> 00:41:55,924
When I was in St. Luke's
I would never imagine

739
00:41:55,924 --> 00:42:00,091
that six months later I would
have a very sweet boyfriend.

740
00:42:01,539 --> 00:42:02,810
I really thought my life was over

741
00:42:02,810 --> 00:42:04,504
when I was on that gurney.

742
00:42:04,504 --> 00:42:05,617
I really thought everything was,

743
00:42:05,617 --> 00:42:07,242
I thought I was gonna
be committed for life.

744
00:42:07,242 --> 00:42:10,492
I thought I was gonna be there forever.

745
00:42:11,348 --> 00:42:14,599
So, I have to try to rebuild
a new life for myself.

746
00:42:14,599 --> 00:42:18,105
That's all very hard starting over.

747
00:42:18,105 --> 00:42:20,170
And you never know what happens.

748
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:22,183
I could get sick again.

749
00:42:22,183 --> 00:42:25,850
So I'm sure it's gonna
be a very rough road.

750
00:42:52,250 --> 00:42:53,661
>> Todd.
>> Yeah, hi.

751
00:42:53,661 --> 00:42:56,149
>> What happened?

752
00:42:56,149 --> 00:42:56,982
>> Nothing.

753
00:42:56,982 --> 00:43:00,992
They just said that I smashed some windows

754
00:43:00,992 --> 00:43:03,592
and harassing phone calls.

755
00:43:03,592 --> 00:43:07,681
Nothing too, I didn't
kill nobody or nothin',

756
00:43:07,681 --> 00:43:09,086
so it's not so bad.

757
00:43:09,086 --> 00:43:13,080
It's just some people's word over mine.

758
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,352
>> How long have you been in for?

759
00:43:14,352 --> 00:43:15,778
>> Near a month.

760
00:43:15,778 --> 00:43:17,162
>> You've been in here for a month?

761
00:43:17,162 --> 00:43:18,399
>> Mm-hm.

762
00:43:18,399 --> 00:43:21,290
>> What's it like?

763
00:43:21,290 --> 00:43:23,359
>> It's violent.

764
00:43:23,359 --> 00:43:24,359
It's racial.

765
00:43:26,115 --> 00:43:30,644
I witnessed one dude get his
ear taken off in a fight.

766
00:43:30,644 --> 00:43:32,211
I was laughin'.

767
00:43:32,211 --> 00:43:33,961
I was absolutely laughin'.

768
00:43:33,961 --> 00:43:36,591
You know, it was like
they were slow dancing

769
00:43:36,591 --> 00:43:38,285
and this dude's got the
other dude by the ear,

770
00:43:38,285 --> 00:43:39,699
he's goin' (growls).

771
00:43:39,699 --> 00:43:41,823
(men laugh)

772
00:43:41,823 --> 00:43:45,467
I had to get a laugh out of it, you know.

773
00:43:45,467 --> 00:43:47,302
>> How does this compare
to the state hospital?

774
00:43:47,302 --> 00:43:48,527
You know, we first filmed you about--

775
00:43:48,527 --> 00:43:51,185
>> This is better than
the Lindemann Center.

776
00:43:51,185 --> 00:43:54,189
This is better than the
Lindemann Center, okay?

777
00:43:54,189 --> 00:43:55,158
It's better.

778
00:43:55,158 --> 00:43:56,825
>> Why?

779
00:43:57,986 --> 00:44:00,800
>> Don't have any roaches.

780
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:03,709
The food is about the same.

781
00:44:03,709 --> 00:44:06,001
You got more area to walk around in.

782
00:44:06,001 --> 00:44:07,082
>> You'd rather be here

783
00:44:07,082 --> 00:44:08,654
than be in the hospital,
is that what you're saying?

784
00:44:08,654 --> 00:44:09,810
>> Exactly. Exactly.

785
00:44:09,810 --> 00:44:12,621
Because here I know that
I can go to court, right?

786
00:44:12,621 --> 00:44:15,840
And they can give me not as much time

787
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,066
as what the Lindemann Center
woulda gave me, right?

788
00:44:18,066 --> 00:44:20,395
You know how much time
they wanted to give me?

789
00:44:20,395 --> 00:44:22,368
Six fucking months, all right.

790
00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:23,374
>> In that state hospital

791
00:44:23,374 --> 00:44:24,537
where we first filmed you.
>> In that state hospital.

792
00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:25,387
Right, six months.

793
00:44:25,387 --> 00:44:26,252
>> Are you takin' your medicine?

794
00:44:26,252 --> 00:44:27,742
>> Yeah, I'm takin' my medicine.

795
00:44:27,742 --> 00:44:32,354
>> Does that make a difference for you?

796
00:44:32,354 --> 00:44:34,715
>> That was then, this is now.

797
00:44:34,715 --> 00:44:37,358
You know, things change with the weather.

798
00:44:37,358 --> 00:44:38,854
>> In other words, do
you need your lithium?

799
00:44:38,854 --> 00:44:39,719
>> Yes, I do.

800
00:44:39,719 --> 00:44:41,766
I do need my lithium.

801
00:44:41,766 --> 00:44:45,361
That was a different person back then.

802
00:44:45,361 --> 00:44:47,220
A total different person.

803
00:44:47,220 --> 00:44:50,294
I'm a different person
when I'm off my medication.

804
00:44:50,294 --> 00:44:51,159
>> Let me ask you,

805
00:44:51,159 --> 00:44:53,643
do you think you belong
here with convicts?

806
00:44:53,643 --> 00:44:55,088
Or you think you belong in a hospital?

807
00:44:55,088 --> 00:44:56,755
Where do you belong?

808
00:44:59,110 --> 00:45:00,726
>> I don't know.

809
00:45:00,726 --> 00:45:01,809
I don't know.

810
00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:04,323
I don't know.

811
00:45:06,070 --> 00:45:08,487
(gavel thudding)

812
00:45:08,487 --> 00:45:11,404
(crowd chattering)

813
00:45:39,501 --> 00:45:40,950
>> The first number, 118.

814
00:45:40,950 --> 00:45:42,603
I might wanna double that also.

815
00:45:42,603 --> 00:45:44,120
>> Okay.
>> With him.

816
00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:47,370
(musicians chattering)

817
00:45:51,724 --> 00:45:55,057
(instruments tuning up)

818
00:46:04,778 --> 00:46:05,729
>> This is the first time

819
00:46:05,729 --> 00:46:09,748
that I've been playing since I've had ECT.

820
00:46:09,748 --> 00:46:12,068
So I'm very nervous and just very anxious

821
00:46:12,068 --> 00:46:14,034
about having to see all these people

822
00:46:14,034 --> 00:46:16,989
and get back into a situation
where I'm actually playing.

823
00:46:16,989 --> 00:46:18,738
I mean, it's really just been so long

824
00:46:18,738 --> 00:46:22,198
that I don't see myself so
much as a musician anymore.

825
00:46:22,198 --> 00:46:25,615
I see myself more as a patient, actually.

826
00:46:26,824 --> 00:46:28,074
>> Measure nine.

827
00:46:32,063 --> 00:46:34,064
(orchestral music)

828
00:46:34,064 --> 00:46:37,771
>> So, it's something that
used to feel so natural

829
00:46:37,771 --> 00:46:41,462
and so matter of fact
now feels so foreign.

830
00:46:41,462 --> 00:46:43,212
So, I'm just nervous.

831
00:46:45,433 --> 00:46:47,933
>> It's outta tune.

832
00:46:49,406 --> 00:46:51,130
But no accent, no accent on that da-dum.

833
00:46:51,130 --> 00:46:51,963
The figure is

834
00:46:51,963 --> 00:46:52,949
♫ Daaa da dum

835
00:46:52,949 --> 00:46:53,782
not

836
00:46:53,782 --> 00:46:55,768
♫ Dum duh dum ba dum

837
00:46:55,768 --> 00:46:58,768
I need to hear the F sharp,
a really nice big F sharp.

838
00:46:58,768 --> 00:47:00,014
♫ Ba ba bum

839
00:47:00,014 --> 00:47:02,219
♫ Baaa da dum

840
00:47:02,219 --> 00:47:03,854
You were changing the strength there?

841
00:47:03,854 --> 00:47:04,726
>> Yeah.

842
00:47:04,726 --> 00:47:05,729
>> Can you not do that?

843
00:47:05,729 --> 00:47:06,591
>> I'm doing it (mumbles).

844
00:47:06,591 --> 00:47:07,930
>> Can you do it all one string?

845
00:47:07,930 --> 00:47:08,763
Yeah.

846
00:47:09,601 --> 00:47:11,184
Bar nine, one, two.

847
00:47:12,054 --> 00:47:14,971
(orchestral music)

848
00:47:37,704 --> 00:47:40,338
>> Through the rehearsals
over the last few days

849
00:47:40,338 --> 00:47:44,452
it's just made me realize how
much I wanna do this again.

850
00:47:44,452 --> 00:47:45,984
I mean, I feel like it's possible

851
00:47:45,984 --> 00:47:49,935
now that the depression is
kind of cleared out of my life.

852
00:47:49,935 --> 00:47:52,810
For such a long time it was there

853
00:47:52,810 --> 00:47:54,744
and it was so overpowering
that I didn't think

854
00:47:54,744 --> 00:47:57,154
there was any way I was
gonna be able to escape it.

855
00:47:57,154 --> 00:47:59,246
I mean, it was just so consuming

856
00:47:59,246 --> 00:48:02,264
that I just didn't think any
of this would be possible.

857
00:48:02,264 --> 00:48:04,894
(orchestral music)

858
00:48:04,894 --> 00:48:09,061
I feel like it's possible
to become a musician again.

859
00:48:41,418 --> 00:48:44,668
(musicians chattering)

860
00:48:47,988 --> 00:48:49,974
Yeah, it was a great day.

861
00:48:49,974 --> 00:48:50,807
Yeah.

862
00:48:51,850 --> 00:48:52,967
It's just really...

863
00:48:52,967 --> 00:48:53,800
>> Bar 10?
>> Yeah.

864
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:54,903
>> You kicked some ass.

865
00:48:54,903 --> 00:48:57,080
>> Thanks, thanks.

866
00:48:57,080 --> 00:49:00,580
(somber orchestral music)

867
00:49:06,075 --> 00:49:06,908
>> One.

868
00:49:08,294 --> 00:49:10,101
(camera clicks)

869
00:49:10,101 --> 00:49:10,934
Beautiful.

870
00:50:19,256 --> 00:50:22,923
(rhythmic orchestral music)

871
00:52:28,332 --> 00:52:32,173
(static hissing)
(electronic tone reverberates)

872
00:52:32,173 --> 00:52:35,923
(dramatic orchestral music)