[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,0:00:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(dramatic orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.00,0:00:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(static hissing)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.14,0:00:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.04,0:00:35.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> It's hard to imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.19,0:00:38.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what it's like to lose your sanity.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.96,0:00:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To watch helplessly as you\Nchange from normal to mad
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.74,0:00:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then hope you can change back.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.02,0:00:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the better part of the century,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.48,0:01:00.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,psychiatric patients were\Nrelegated to the back wards
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.13,0:01:03.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and given crude and desperate treatments.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.86,0:01:12.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was the best medical\Nscience could offer.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.64,0:01:18.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Severe mental illness,\Nonce thought to be caused
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.44,0:01:21.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by bad parents or evil spirits,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.52,0:01:25.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is now viewed as the\Nresult of faulty genes,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.30,0:01:27.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,illness within the brain itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.72,0:01:37.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of a recent\Nrevolution in neuroscience
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.41,0:01:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are new biological treatments
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.44,0:01:41.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the millions who are needy enough
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.54,0:01:43.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and brave enough to try them.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.85,0:01:46.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(medical machine beeping)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.02,0:01:48.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yet despite all the advances,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.16,0:01:52.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the struggle to find the way\Nback from madness continues.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.17,0:01:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Can you tell us
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.24,0:01:55.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is that that's bothering you?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.45,0:01:57.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I lost my mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.53,0:01:59.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You lost your mind?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.44,0:02:01.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How can we help you with that?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.91,0:02:06.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(patient mumbles)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.62,0:02:07.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sorry, I can't--
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.49,0:02:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Give it back.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.72,0:02:11.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Give it back to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.54,0:02:31.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(siren blaring)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.86,0:02:44.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I want a cup of coffee with dog food.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.78,0:02:45.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.62,0:02:49.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That puts me in (stammering) it's true.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.84,0:02:52.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dog food, that's what, I'm a dog!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.38,0:02:54.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was born as a dog!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.16,0:02:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to start my Haldol back.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.16,0:02:59.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(doctors and patients chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.60,0:03:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ooh, there's a spider.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.76,0:03:05.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Look, there's a spider.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.61,0:03:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(patients chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.34,0:03:10.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I'm not paranoid schizophrenia.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.94,0:03:14.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just know what I'm talking about.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.16,0:03:16.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not my fault, blame Jesus.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.58,0:03:20.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Like I said yesterday, all\NI wanted them to embrace me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.78,0:03:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause, like, I'm lost
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.11,0:03:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because people in here don't accept me
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.58,0:03:28.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people out there don't accept me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.88,0:03:32.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like the only one\Nthat accepts Todd is Todd.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.69,0:03:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause I can see society, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.68,0:03:36.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's just like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.98,0:03:38.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(tapping on window)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.20,0:03:40.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's keepin' me from them, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.55,0:03:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Cause like, I'm in a glass\Ncage lookin' out at them
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.66,0:03:48.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can't be out there\Nwith them, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.06,0:03:57.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I know whose it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.20,0:03:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They come up with a--
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.70,0:04:01.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> This doctor thinks\Nthere's this voice in my head
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.63,0:04:03.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,named Andrew, you know, that's tellin' me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.69,0:04:06.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do all these things, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.35,0:04:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's supposedly my doctor, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.00,0:04:12.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you see the big\Ndoctor-client trust we have.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.29,0:04:16.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> If he goes back out\Non the streets untreated
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.53,0:04:18.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the wrong medicines
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.12,0:04:22.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he's in danger of\Nhurting somebody pretty badly.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.98,0:04:26.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The interesting thing is\Nwhen he did take medication
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.37,0:04:29.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he was in much better shape.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.91,0:04:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> There's a state law.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.10,0:04:33.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can refuse medications.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.03,0:04:37.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Medication.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.31,0:04:39.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Medication!
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.43,0:04:42.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> She basically wants to get\Nme on four different drugs
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.66,0:04:44.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't want that to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.62,0:04:46.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what it's like to take Haldol?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.90,0:04:48.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you know what it's like to take
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.45,0:04:51.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some of the other psychiatric\Ndrugs they give you?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.05,0:04:52.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Turns you into a zombie.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.45,0:04:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You sleep 14 hours a day.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.64,0:04:57.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't sit down in one spot.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.32,0:04:58.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can't sit down in one spot.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.93,0:05:02.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was on Haldol here\Nfor 15 minutes at a time
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.47,0:05:05.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get so jittery your hands clamp up.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.68,0:05:10.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give Todd a break.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.50,0:05:12.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll be out of Massachusetts' hair.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.57,0:05:15.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just let me outta those doors.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.96,0:05:18.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm goin' back to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.15,0:05:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to enjoy paradise like everybody\Nelse that lives down there.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.08,0:05:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, all those rich people
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.54,0:05:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that got all those boats, those yachts
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.24,0:05:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they got names for\Ntheir yachts, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.50,0:05:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You're not gonna have that,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.78,0:05:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,though, if ya go.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.58,0:05:35.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I won't have a yacht\Nbut I'll have myself
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.29,0:05:38.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'll be free and\Nthat's what I'll have.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.24,0:05:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> John, there's a spider
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.41,0:05:41.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right near you.\N>> Lonesome Cowboy Paul
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.10,0:05:43.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Cowboy Paul.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.97,0:05:47.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> (mumbles) smile.\N>> Smile.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.72,0:05:56.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Ordering a swiss burger, medium rare,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.05,0:05:58.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a chicken salad\Nsandwich on whole wheat.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.64,0:06:00.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(bell dings)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.53,0:06:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(restaurant patrons chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.46,0:06:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes at work I do hear voices
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.81,0:06:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and actually people having a conversation
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.62,0:06:12.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make the hallucination worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.25,0:06:14.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> We're having a really good time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.25,0:06:16.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(diners laughing)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.92,0:06:18.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I start confusing human voices
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.17,0:06:20.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the voices of the psychoses.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.48,0:06:24.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I can't really, and the voices
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.91,0:06:27.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just start all blending together.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.93,0:06:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it's really\Ndifficult to tune them out,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.24,0:06:35.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I really, I just\Nsort of bite my tongue
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.12,0:06:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I just keep going.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.10,0:06:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.13,0:06:41.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I said I think that oughta be plenty.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.49,0:06:42.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.95,0:06:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(diners chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.50,0:06:45.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Nice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.77,0:06:47.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It looks very good.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.68,0:06:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(diners chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.38,0:07:03.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Probably about two years\Nago I felt like somebody
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.31,0:07:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was, like, watching me do my homework
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.84,0:07:07.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I just started hearing\Nthese voices from the sky.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.95,0:07:09.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in my dorm room for three days.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.58,0:07:11.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't eat, I didn't sleep
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.61,0:07:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I went from being a really\Nfunctional, outgoing student,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.73,0:07:20.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a complete nervous breakdown.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.48,0:07:22.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't cross the street.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.10,0:07:24.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I almost got killed by a bus.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.88,0:07:29.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eight hours would go by,\Nit seemed like a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.73,0:07:32.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd just be in, like, this\Ntrance in this little world
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.28,0:07:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you couldn't talk to me\Nand I couldn't hear anybody.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.59,0:07:38.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did my work.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.84,0:07:41.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I turned my papers in on\Ntime, but I'd be alone
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.13,0:07:44.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my solitude and I'd just\Nbe crying all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.82,0:07:45.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got to the point where I was like
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.82,0:07:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't live this way and I would swallow
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.78,0:07:49.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a box of sleeping pills\Nand then I'd change my mind
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.82,0:07:51.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd make myself throw them up.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.71,0:07:55.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I never told anybody\Nbut I'd always get up
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.26,0:07:58.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the next day and I'd take\Na shower and comb my hair
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.04,0:08:01.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and turn in my Greek\Nhomework and nobody knew.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.58,0:08:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody knew I was having problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.18,0:08:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I met you last week.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.79,0:08:11.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Mm-hm.\N>> Yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.83,0:08:14.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.41,0:08:21.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Has there been a period of time
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.07,0:08:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you've gone a week\Nor more without voices?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.85,0:08:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> No, I hear them all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.25,0:08:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> So it's a constant\Ndaily struggle for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.94,0:08:28.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.87,0:08:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What we're gonna do\Nis start Clozapine today.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.68,0:08:35.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything seems fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.98,0:08:37.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your white blood cell count is fine,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.76,0:08:39.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means that we can go ahead
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.18,0:08:41.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and start the Clozapine, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.14,0:08:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, the most important\Nside effect is the risk
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.70,0:08:45.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the medication lowering\Nyour white blood cell count.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.91,0:08:47.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Right.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.30,0:08:49.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> So that's why when\Nyou return to school,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.56,0:08:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you'll have to get a\Nblood test once a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.37,0:08:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See the doctor and get your medication.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.18,0:08:57.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You just wanna pull your sweater up.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.19,0:09:01.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Naomi is someone who\Nseems to have schizophrenia.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.28,0:09:05.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clozapine is a new\Nmedication that we have found
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.17,0:09:09.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be superior to all other\Nantipsychotic medications,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.41,0:09:13.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so if there's any hope for\NNaomi to remain functional,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.70,0:09:15.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clozapine is it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.47,0:09:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Right now, like I'm really\Nsick, so, it's frightening.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.98,0:09:40.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, I hear voices\Nand the more stressed
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.19,0:09:43.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and worried I am the harder\Nthey are to deal with
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.14,0:09:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because then the voices\Ntend to be very negative.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.19,0:09:49.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that, like, the more I\Nworry and the more I stress,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.22,0:09:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more negative they are,\Nthe more distracting they are.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.45,0:09:58.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it's just a downward cycle.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.16,0:10:10.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's nothing worse in this\Nworld than losing your sanity.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.80,0:10:11.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.66,0:10:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was used to seeing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.96,0:10:15.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All I knew was insanity.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.97,0:10:19.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.17,0:10:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father has manic depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.84,0:10:24.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My middle brother is\Nalso a manic depressive
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.01,0:10:27.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my mom is schizophrenic.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.10,0:10:30.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom was committed after I was born.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.32,0:10:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She had shock treatments.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.36,0:10:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She's been sick my whole life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.02,0:10:40.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was used to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.09,0:10:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was used to her screaming obscenities
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.36,0:10:45.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talking to herself\Nand carrying around knives
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.93,0:10:48.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I could never understand why.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.54,0:10:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never understood, why don't you stop it?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.17,0:10:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why don't you stop it and be my mommy.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.90,0:10:53.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why are you saying all\Nthese irrational things
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.58,0:10:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.69,0:11:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What frightens me the most is that,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.08,0:11:10.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, that I end up like my mother.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.72,0:11:16.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna leave my mark on the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.38,0:11:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not a big mark, just a\Nlittle mark, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.36,0:11:20.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna be an English professor,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.80,0:11:23.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so maybe like an old dusty\Nbook in a library somewhere
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.46,0:11:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that nobody reads, a\Nfew classes, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.62,0:11:33.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's just certain\Nthings I just wanna fulfill
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.79,0:11:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's frightening sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.52,0:11:37.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if I can do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.28,0:11:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Glen?\N>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.14,0:11:48.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Hi, I'm Kathy Moony.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.45,0:11:50.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm one of the nurses\Nhere in the holding area
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.18,0:11:51.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm gonna take you\Nin and get you ready
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.27,0:11:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for surgery, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.29,0:11:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.\N>> So come with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.42,0:12:06.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(patients and doctors chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.38,0:12:09.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, I'm just gonna have you\Nremove your bathrobe, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.95,0:12:12.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, and you can get\Nright up onto this bed
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.11,0:12:13.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'll cover you up with a blanket.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.75,0:12:15.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> This is the frame you're gonna wear
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.25,0:12:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we do the MR scan.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.38,0:12:19.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not too heavy, and we just put it
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.62,0:12:21.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right on your head like so.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.92,0:12:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get it over your nose.\N>> I've been
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.75,0:12:25.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a photographer all my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.21,0:12:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About three years ago I had to\Ngive it up due to my illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.98,0:12:33.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> If you feel any sharp\Npain, you just let us know.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.53,0:12:34.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can put some more freezing--
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.75,0:12:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I have obsessive compulsive disorder
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.26,0:12:42.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you can't have OCD\Nand be a happy person.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.80,0:12:44.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It just doesn't work that way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.75,0:12:46.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Just on the left.\N>> Just on the left side?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.73,0:12:49.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Because you do things that you know
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.53,0:12:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are actually very stupid\Nand you know better
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.28,0:12:56.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you just can't stop it.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.54,0:13:02.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can look at things and I\Ndon't believe what I see.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.00,0:13:04.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And therefore I don't double check,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.97,0:13:08.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I check 10, 15, 20, 30\Ntimes the same thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.99,0:13:14.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I check things because\Neverything has to be perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.23,0:13:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to make sure my shoes\Nare laced up exactly perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.40,0:13:22.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll go into my closet and\NI gotta check to make sure
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.80,0:13:24.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it's my coat.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.14,0:13:25.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, nobody lives with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.47,0:13:27.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Naturally it's my coat.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.05,0:13:30.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna stay clean.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.08,0:13:36.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A little is good, more is better
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.30,0:13:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the hotter the water,\Nthe cleaner my hands.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.21,0:13:44.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more soap I use, the cleaner my hands.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.56,0:13:48.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I would say in a day I use anywhere
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.65,0:13:52.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from a bar of soap to a\Nbar and a half of soap.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.43,0:13:55.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could be back here\Nanywhere from a minute
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.15,0:13:57.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to an hour doing the same thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.91,0:14:03.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes I walk out and I will decide
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.41,0:14:05.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to take my shoes off and come back in
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.67,0:14:08.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and repeat the whole thing again.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.27,0:14:11.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I've lost all my confidence
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.84,0:14:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the mechanics of the camera.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.92,0:14:19.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would be checking everything so much
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.66,0:14:23.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that finally the dad or the\Ngroom would yell down to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.88,0:14:26.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Would you take your damn picture?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.31,0:14:29.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.65,0:14:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was growing up I was very shy
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.26,0:14:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at a very young age\Nnever wanted to get dirty.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.44,0:14:41.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew something wasn't right.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.38,0:14:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's reasons, I've\Nbeen divorced twice.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.02,0:14:53.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My girlfriend is the real\Nreason I'm here today,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.89,0:14:57.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kinda risking my life\Nto have this operation.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.19,0:15:08.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm pretty nervous now\Nand I'm pretty scared.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.89,0:15:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a lot of things could go wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.88,0:15:13.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that would be a thousand times worse
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.21,0:15:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than just washing my hands.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.16,0:15:16.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Here you can see
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.24,0:15:18.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the selected target site in the cingulum.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.24,0:15:21.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the tip of our electrode\Nwill be inserted down
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.73,0:15:24.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this point and the lesion will be made
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.10,0:15:27.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the anterior cingulum just like so.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.02,0:15:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One on the right, one on the left.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.74,0:15:35.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The cingulotomy is an\Noperation on the brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.93,0:15:37.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We actually destroy a small part
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.49,0:15:40.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the brain that is hyperactive.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.88,0:15:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(suspenseful orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.24,0:15:47.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now Glen, this shouldn't hurt.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.69,0:15:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You may feel some\Npressure, but it shouldn't
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.51,0:15:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hurt you at all, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.88,0:15:51.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> All right.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.82,0:15:53.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> In the past surgery procedures
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.89,0:15:56.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that were done were crude.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.30,0:16:01.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's not hurting you, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.18,0:16:03.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just hear a sound and a vibration?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.38,0:16:04.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The lobotomies that were performed
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.86,0:16:06.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the '30s and '40s were done
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.26,0:16:08.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there was no\Nother effective treatment,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.54,0:16:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but five to 10 percent of the people
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.36,0:16:11.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,died from the operation.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.94,0:16:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(dramatic orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.39,0:16:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a procedure that was\Nalmost indiscriminately applied.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.89,0:16:19.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Transorbital lobotomy
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.97,0:16:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has further advantages in\Nthat it leaves no scar.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.05,0:16:24.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is performed through an operating field
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.76,0:16:27.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is normally sterile\Nand the stiff tarsal plate
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.64,0:16:28.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,forms an ideal reinforcement--
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.71,0:16:30.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> There were tremendous side effects
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.29,0:16:33.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,associated with the procedure.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.04,0:16:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was cognitive impairment, seizures,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.96,0:16:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,memory disturbance, personality change.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.84,0:16:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The cingulotomy is a very safe procedure.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.66,0:16:49.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(soft orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:49.12,0:16:52.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First we're gonna insert the probe.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.06,0:16:55.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you wiggle your toes, Glen, again?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.44,0:16:56.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.79,0:16:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, we're gonna start the lesion.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.81,0:17:00.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get a temperature.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.46,0:17:02.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> (mumbles) degrees.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.28,0:17:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay, we're making the lesion.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.67,0:17:05.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make the lesion.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.71,0:17:07.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Temperature going up.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.25,0:17:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How you doing, Glen?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.04,0:17:13.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.\N>> You okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.46,0:17:14.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.51,0:17:17.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> We're almost done now, all right?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:17.19,0:17:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've done very, very well.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.64,0:17:21.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything's gone just fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.100,0:17:25.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're almost done.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.04,0:17:27.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're just closing the skin.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.51,0:17:28.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll get this frame off your head
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.35,0:17:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put a little bandage on and get you
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.58,0:17:31.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,onto a more comfortable bed.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:34.96,0:17:36.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got your neck.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.20,0:17:40.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, watch his nose.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.52,0:17:44.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, now get him a pillow,\Nget him a comfy pillow here.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.98,0:17:47.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Great, wiggle your fingers for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:47.41,0:17:48.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Great.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.88,0:17:49.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You did very well.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.77,0:17:50.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can still play the piano.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.60,0:17:51.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Still play the piano.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.43,0:17:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Great.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.27,0:17:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Could you play it before?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.24,0:17:55.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> No.\N(doctors and nurses chuckle)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.20,0:17:56.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Glen, everything went very nicely
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.54,0:17:57.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you did very well, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.69,0:17:58.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Huh?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.53,0:17:59.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Everything went very nicely.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:59.72,0:18:01.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Huh?\N>> (chuckles) You did well.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.35,0:18:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(nurses chuckling)
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.62,0:18:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:18:32.70,0:18:34.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Over the last two years
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.46,0:18:37.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's been a very serious depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:41.15,0:18:42.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then over the last six months
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.49,0:18:45.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's gotten increasingly worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:04.17,0:19:05.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Physically it gets to the point
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.84,0:19:09.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where all I can do is lay in bed all day.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:09.47,0:19:11.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And mentally and emotionally\Nit gets to the point
Dialogue: 0,0:19:11.72,0:19:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I'd rather be dead\Nthan living the way I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.12,0:19:21.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not such an active\Nfeeling of death or suicide.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.60,0:19:23.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's just a feeling that\Nnothing can be worse than that
Dialogue: 0,0:19:23.49,0:19:27.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the only way to alleviate\Nthe pain is to be dead.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:30.68,0:19:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm holding off a real\Nattempt towards suicide
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.62,0:19:36.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I do try it again,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:37.24,0:19:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want it to be\Nsomething that fails.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:39.21,0:19:41.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want it to be something\Nthat'll be successful,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.83,0:19:45.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I won't have to go through the trouble
Dialogue: 0,0:19:45.26,0:19:49.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the misery of having to\Nface everyone if it failed.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:54.07,0:19:57.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a musician and I\Nhaven't been able to play.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:57.64,0:20:00.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All I see is the thing\Nthat I've prepared to do
Dialogue: 0,0:20:00.11,0:20:03.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my whole life is just not going anywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.11,0:20:06.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:20:06.23,0:20:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first time I ever played music I guess
Dialogue: 0,0:20:08.97,0:20:13.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was when I was two I used to\Ncrawl up and play the piano.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:14.68,0:20:18.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started playing viola when I was nine.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:18.25,0:20:21.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to Juilliard for my Masters Degree.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.52,0:20:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I played with the Juilliard Orchestra
Dialogue: 0,0:20:23.14,0:20:24.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in New York and in France and I played
Dialogue: 0,0:20:24.100,0:20:27.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the Tanglewood\NMusic Center Orchestra,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:27.25,0:20:29.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:29.31,0:20:32.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just the thing\NI've always wanted to do
Dialogue: 0,0:20:34.90,0:20:38.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's not gonna be\Npossible if I'm like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:42.23,0:20:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It feels like this is my last hope
Dialogue: 0,0:20:44.12,0:20:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for something that can\Ncompletely make me well.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:50.06,0:20:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Come on in and we're\Ngonna do the treatment
Dialogue: 0,0:20:51.49,0:20:52.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a couple of minutes.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:52.33,0:20:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:53.80,0:20:56.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(machines beeping)
Dialogue: 0,0:21:02.02,0:21:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Doctor Drop is going to\Ninject your medications,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:05.88,0:21:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a short acting sleeping medication
Dialogue: 0,0:21:08.20,0:21:10.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then a muscle relaxant.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:10.03,0:21:12.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For you it's gonna be like\Ntaking a five minute nap.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:12.82,0:21:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.\N>> All right?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:14.43,0:21:18.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're gonna be going to\Nsleep in a few seconds.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:20.98,0:21:22.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, you're gonna start to feel yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:21:22.37,0:21:25.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,getting a little sleepy now.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:25.17,0:21:28.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(machine beeping)
Dialogue: 0,0:21:39.31,0:21:41.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Electroconvulsive therapy is simply
Dialogue: 0,0:21:41.33,0:21:44.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the intentional induction\Nof a grand mal seizure
Dialogue: 0,0:21:44.22,0:21:47.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under very controlled circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:47.72,0:21:50.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For some reason seizure\Nnormalizes brain chemistry
Dialogue: 0,0:21:50.73,0:21:54.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through mechanisms that we\Nreally don't understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:54.23,0:21:57.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The treatment electrodes are going on.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:58.37,0:21:59.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Looks good.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:00.82,0:22:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if we didn't medicate\Nthe patient first,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:03.30,0:22:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it would be a violent treatment
Dialogue: 0,0:22:05.29,0:22:07.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was when it was first invented.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:07.58,0:22:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:13.60,0:22:17.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,During the post-war era,\Nthe treatment was overused
Dialogue: 0,0:22:17.35,0:22:20.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sometimes indiscriminately used.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:29.18,0:22:32.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Patients frequently had bone fractures
Dialogue: 0,0:22:33.37,0:22:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during this treatment before\Nthe use of muscle relaxants.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:38.41,0:22:41.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the past ECT was done with a technique
Dialogue: 0,0:22:41.17,0:22:45.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which caused a great deal\Nof memory disturbance.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:45.09,0:22:47.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And consequently I think\Nmany people experienced
Dialogue: 0,0:22:47.62,0:22:51.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,severe impairment of their\Nmemory and their intellect.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:54.72,0:22:58.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a different\Ntreatment now technically.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:00.52,0:23:02.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's the stimulus.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:10.38,0:23:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> We're at .75 seconds stimulus duration.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:15.16,0:23:17.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(machine beeping)
Dialogue: 0,0:23:23.09,0:23:26.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Good seizure, good generalization.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:30.39,0:23:32.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's the end of the seizure.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:32.55,0:23:33.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Done.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:35.84,0:23:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You had your treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:37.08,0:23:39.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're all done, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:39.15,0:23:41.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Probably feelin' a little\Nbit groggy right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:41.95,0:23:45.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, but that's from the medication.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:53.39,0:23:57.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I've been feeling very\Nbad for about two years.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:02.50,0:24:06.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now I had my ECT, my first\NECT treatment two days ago
Dialogue: 0,0:24:08.46,0:24:11.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now I feel miraculously better
Dialogue: 0,0:24:12.37,0:24:14.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that isn't just an\Nadverb to go with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:14.91,0:24:17.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really is miraculous.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:17.45,0:24:18.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think, um...
Dialogue: 0,0:24:22.87,0:24:24.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just everything, I mean,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:27.43,0:24:30.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the way I'm thinking, the way I feel,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:30.07,0:24:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the way I look at everything and can see
Dialogue: 0,0:24:32.75,0:24:36.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and perceive everything is different now.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:39.42,0:24:41.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(viola music)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:06.55,0:25:08.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(viola music goes out of tune)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:08.98,0:25:11.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, I can't do this.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:11.15,0:25:13.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(viola music)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:15.17,0:25:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't do this.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:18.02,0:25:21.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(out of tune viola music)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:39.100,0:25:44.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It makes me sad that I can't\Nplay my viola. (exhales)
Dialogue: 0,0:25:49.04,0:25:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:50.30,0:25:54.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just don't know how\NI'm supposed to feel now.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:01.70,0:26:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> So it's been awhile.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:03.06,0:26:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.\N>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:04.56,0:26:06.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About almost three months really.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:06.56,0:26:07.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:07.96,0:26:11.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> The medication, what's it been like?
Dialogue: 0,0:26:11.09,0:26:13.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Klonopin.\N>> I've had, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:13.17,0:26:14.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a really hard time with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:14.71,0:26:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.\N>> It's just very hard
Dialogue: 0,0:26:15.84,0:26:16.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for me to get up in the morning.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:16.93,0:26:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm very sick in the morning\Nand I'm still hearing voices.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:21.56,0:26:24.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took a harder schedule than I should've.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:24.93,0:26:25.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:25.95,0:26:28.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I went to school and\NI had the psychotic symptoms
Dialogue: 0,0:26:28.23,0:26:30.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and stuff, but my classes weren't,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:30.20,0:26:31.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, I learned a lot, they were hard,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:31.90,0:26:33.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they weren't as hard as this.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:33.69,0:26:36.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I'm gonna have to\Ntake incomplete or two
Dialogue: 0,0:26:36.37,0:26:41.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and falling a little behind,\Nbut I'm dealing with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:41.34,0:26:42.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, people need their solitude?
Dialogue: 0,0:26:42.87,0:26:44.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I don't feel like\NI have a private life
Dialogue: 0,0:26:44.99,0:26:47.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or any sort of solitude at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:48.56,0:26:51.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay, so it's a really hard time.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:51.76,0:26:53.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.\N>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:18.98,0:27:22.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Are you still optimistic?
Dialogue: 0,0:27:22.25,0:27:23.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I don't know, I guess\Nshould be 'cause they say
Dialogue: 0,0:27:23.92,0:27:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,part of it is psychological.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:25.72,0:27:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, you have to want the\Nmedicine to work to work,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:28.38,0:27:32.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I guess I should be,\Nbut I'm a little skeptical.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:32.02,0:27:33.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I mean, I am a little,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:33.37,0:27:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is, like, the fifth\Nmedicine I've been on.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:39.05,0:27:43.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want it to work but at the same time
Dialogue: 0,0:27:43.05,0:27:45.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sort of wonder if I'm\Ngonna have to live this way
Dialogue: 0,0:27:45.83,0:27:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the rest of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:53.35,0:27:56.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(siren blaring)
Dialogue: 0,0:28:13.40,0:28:14.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Hi, Naomi?
Dialogue: 0,0:28:19.50,0:28:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just wanna make sure you're\Nclear on what's happening.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:25.13,0:28:29.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know from what I've\Nheard from your roommate,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:29.45,0:28:31.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, and also from your brother,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:31.77,0:28:33.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Harry called me as well.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:33.86,0:28:35.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that things apparently got
Dialogue: 0,0:28:35.15,0:28:37.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of control in the apartment.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:42.39,0:28:43.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Apparently at this point we're gonna
Dialogue: 0,0:28:43.60,0:28:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have to try something different.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:47.69,0:28:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unfortunately, the Clozaril just wasn't
Dialogue: 0,0:28:50.17,0:28:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing what we hoped it would.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:54.05,0:28:55.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right, I know you don't wanna talk
Dialogue: 0,0:28:55.96,0:28:59.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I don't wanna push you about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:59.98,0:29:01.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, but we will try\Nto do whatever we can
Dialogue: 0,0:29:01.88,0:29:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make you comfortable.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:05.38,0:29:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, if you have\Nquestions please ask.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:07.62,0:29:11.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you have questions about\Nwhat's going on, please ask.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:11.60,0:29:13.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'll explain it to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:14.94,0:29:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, and as we come up with a plan
Dialogue: 0,0:29:17.38,0:29:19.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what to do about the medication
Dialogue: 0,0:29:19.29,0:29:22.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try to control the symptoms,
Dialogue: 0,0:29:22.32,0:29:25.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know obviously we'll go over that
Dialogue: 0,0:29:25.23,0:29:27.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and explain that with you also.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:27.23,0:29:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:29:31.65,0:29:35.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is there anything you\Nwant to say or ask me?
Dialogue: 0,0:29:42.51,0:29:43.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:47.24,0:29:49.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, so I'm gonna be going now.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:02.10,0:30:04.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(waves crashing)
Dialogue: 0,0:30:14.68,0:30:17.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> This is nice isn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:30:17.32,0:30:19.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:19.19,0:30:21.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They've got goldfish, turtles,
Dialogue: 0,0:30:23.48,0:30:24.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,minnows, guppies.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:25.77,0:30:27.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is paradise.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:27.13,0:30:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To me this is medication, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:29.43,0:30:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Makes me wanna sing.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:32.18,0:30:34.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Edel-vine
Dialogue: 0,0:30:34.24,0:30:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Edel-vine
Dialogue: 0,0:30:36.84,0:30:40.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Dance may you bloom and grow
Dialogue: 0,0:30:40.39,0:30:43.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Bloom and grow forever
Dialogue: 0,0:30:49.03,0:30:53.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You might wanna catch the\Nfront and see the eagle.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:55.57,0:30:59.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is I get high\Nwithout taking my medications.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:01.34,0:31:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anybody that's addicted to highs
Dialogue: 0,0:31:04.00,0:31:05.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doesn't wanna give it up.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:05.14,0:31:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody wants to come down.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:06.33,0:31:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't wanna come down.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:08.08,0:31:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am still alive!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:10.80,0:31:14.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd rather live with my disease\Nthan take these damn pills.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:14.34,0:31:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've struggled with this\Nbastard disease my whole life.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:17.46,0:31:19.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What are you doin' up there, Todd?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:19.60,0:31:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Being me.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:21.48,0:31:24.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like this big huge\Nrock that I have to carry.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:24.90,0:31:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't ask no one to\Nhelp me carry this rock.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:27.68,0:31:29.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll carry my own self.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:30.54,0:31:31.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's beauty.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:31.80,0:31:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's an eagle!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:33.60,0:31:34.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Woo!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:35.77,0:31:39.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have anybody\Ntellin' me what to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:39.28,0:31:41.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have to do nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:42.99,0:31:45.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do what Todd wants to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:48.60,0:31:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I control my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:51.19,0:31:52.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Go guys!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:52.40,0:31:53.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Suppertime!
Dialogue: 0,0:31:57.33,0:32:01.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like these seagulls\Nbetter than I do humans.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:01.08,0:32:04.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:32:07.62,0:32:10.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> When he was younger he\Nwas just kinda carefree
Dialogue: 0,0:32:10.71,0:32:12.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like any other baby.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:14.16,0:32:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He didn't start changing until he had
Dialogue: 0,0:32:15.82,0:32:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to start nursery school at age four.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:19.78,0:32:21.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he found it a little hard
Dialogue: 0,0:32:21.67,0:32:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to adjust to other children.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:25.72,0:32:28.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He just became overwhelmed easily.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:31.70,0:32:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, he was a cute little guy.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:33.94,0:32:34.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Real cute.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:36.21,0:32:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, real playful and\Nhe was extremely athletic.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:40.54,0:32:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was very active,\Nalways wanted to travel
Dialogue: 0,0:32:42.92,0:32:45.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'cause he was kind of a restless boy.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:56.65,0:32:58.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he was real, real good in sports
Dialogue: 0,0:32:58.76,0:33:01.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in high school and that he lived for.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:03.76,0:33:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He did real well with that\Nup until his sophomore year
Dialogue: 0,0:33:06.16,0:33:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he had a real bad\Nrace 'cause he fell down.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:09.80,0:33:11.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He fell down at the state meet
Dialogue: 0,0:33:11.48,0:33:14.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the coach thought he was on drugs.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:14.51,0:33:16.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And of course it was totally devastating
Dialogue: 0,0:33:16.06,0:33:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then he, all the kids,\Nhe wasn't voted captain
Dialogue: 0,0:33:19.10,0:33:21.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the next year and so he quit.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:21.67,0:33:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it was very traumatic for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:25.58,0:33:29.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:33:30.54,0:33:32.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're a middle class working family
Dialogue: 0,0:33:32.95,0:33:35.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't expect these things
Dialogue: 0,0:33:35.27,0:33:37.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to happen to your children.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:37.100,0:33:39.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't expect to have a child go out
Dialogue: 0,0:33:39.98,0:33:43.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the street and sleep\Nand that's very hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:47.06,0:33:48.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I donate plasma.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:48.65,0:33:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I get Social Security.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:50.64,0:33:54.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, uh, I go to churches and\NI basically ask, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:56.02,0:33:58.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> And how much do you\Nget for donating plasma?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:58.36,0:34:00.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> $10, that's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:00.19,0:34:03.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you get colds like\Nyou wouldn't believe.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:03.28,0:34:06.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You get colds, you get\Nsick, you feel drained.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:06.95,0:34:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes you feel like you\Nwanna pass out, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:10.79,0:34:12.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But ya need money, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:12.54,0:34:14.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ya need to survive.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:15.04,0:34:17.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they found out I was mentally ill
Dialogue: 0,0:34:17.59,0:34:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they'd cut me off just like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:22.15,0:34:25.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come follow me and I'll show you my home.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:26.72,0:34:28.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I live right behind the\NGreyhound Bus station.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:28.66,0:34:29.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's my home.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:35.60,0:34:37.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Come on.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:37.04,0:34:38.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is my patio.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:41.54,0:34:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is my home.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:43.46,0:34:44.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Home sweet home.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:48.46,0:34:49.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't bother me.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:49.60,0:34:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe it bothers my body.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:50.68,0:34:53.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My body might break down\Nbut my mind doesn't mind,
Dialogue: 0,0:34:53.27,0:34:54.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:54.69,0:34:56.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What's that over there on the wall?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:56.95,0:34:58.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That's feces.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:58.96,0:34:59.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's shit.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:00.83,0:35:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's how I mark my territory.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:03.00,0:35:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What do those marks mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:04.56,0:35:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You're not welcome.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:06.92,0:35:09.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're already checkin'\Nus out, we should go.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:09.13,0:35:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Who's checkin' us out?\N>> That guy did.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:10.46,0:35:11.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's go.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:11.29,0:35:12.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Does he know you sleep there?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:12.70,0:35:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> No.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:16.51,0:35:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My freedom is the most\Nmeaningful thing of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:18.86,0:35:21.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not gonna give it up for nobody.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:24.48,0:35:26.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't understand that I'm at war.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:26.99,0:35:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's bail, gentlemen.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:28.51,0:35:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm at war.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:31.78,0:35:33.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm winning.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:34.45,0:35:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see me locked in a nut ward?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:36.59,0:35:37.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am winning.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:42.84,0:35:45.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(airplane rumbling)
Dialogue: 0,0:35:57.51,0:36:01.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Well, I came here\Nfrom Seattle to follow up
Dialogue: 0,0:36:01.16,0:36:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on my surgery and I brought\Nmy girlfriend, Maureen,
Dialogue: 0,0:36:05.02,0:36:08.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for company and because I was nervous.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:08.40,0:36:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Have you noticed any improvement,
Dialogue: 0,0:36:09.90,0:36:11.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any worsening in any way?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:15.28,0:36:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> When he's with me he seems okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:18.64,0:36:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:19.68,0:36:24.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I think the biggest\Ndisappointment in it for me
Dialogue: 0,0:36:24.30,0:36:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that in my private life\Nwhen Maureen is not around
Dialogue: 0,0:36:29.58,0:36:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm in my own apartment and whatever,
Dialogue: 0,0:36:33.71,0:36:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I'm no different than I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:36.84,0:36:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm no different.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:39.10,0:36:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I think I see an improvement.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:41.30,0:36:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, when I first met Glen\Nhe could not shoot anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:44.63,0:36:46.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We now do weddings together
Dialogue: 0,0:36:49.24,0:36:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and before he could not trust his f-stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:54.84,0:36:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Clearly the underlying illness has not
Dialogue: 0,0:36:56.87,0:37:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,been dramatically changed,\Nalthough there are some modest,
Dialogue: 0,0:37:00.74,0:37:04.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess you would agree\Nmaybe modest improvements.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:04.18,0:37:07.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Having said that, there\Nis a percentage of people
Dialogue: 0,0:37:07.49,0:37:08.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that will get better after a second
Dialogue: 0,0:37:08.84,0:37:10.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and after a third procedure.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:10.50,0:37:13.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The operation is exactly\Nthe same as the first one.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:13.80,0:37:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The lesions we make on the first time
Dialogue: 0,0:37:15.79,0:37:18.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are fairly small, and the second procedure
Dialogue: 0,0:37:18.54,0:37:20.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we simply enlarge that.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:20.36,0:37:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What would you think\Nabout a second procedure?
Dialogue: 0,0:37:25.46,0:37:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Not right away because\Nthe first procedure
Dialogue: 0,0:37:31.08,0:37:33.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was so painful that I still
Dialogue: 0,0:37:34.77,0:37:36.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,remember it.\N>> You remember it.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:36.11,0:37:37.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> So vividly.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:38.67,0:37:39.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And also...
Dialogue: 0,0:37:42.63,0:37:44.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's too soon.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:44.38,0:37:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> It's easy for me to\Nsay, but it seems like
Dialogue: 0,0:37:47.11,0:37:50.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to go this far and not\Npursue it to the end
Dialogue: 0,0:37:50.15,0:37:52.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would seem kind of futile.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:54.93,0:37:57.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay, that's good right there.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:57.81,0:37:59.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Lower your head down just a little bit.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:59.79,0:38:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:00.88,0:38:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(camera clicks)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:02.56,0:38:03.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Great.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:03.40,0:38:04.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pose me.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:04.41,0:38:05.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I'll be gettin' one more.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:05.50,0:38:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> When I first met Glen,\Nhis hands were cracked
Dialogue: 0,0:38:09.14,0:38:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and bleeding and bleeding\Nall over the cameras.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:13.32,0:38:15.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I'm gonna bracket a couple.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:15.24,0:38:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Now they look much better.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:19.95,0:38:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My fear is that he'll give up.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:22.75,0:38:23.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That's it.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:24.82,0:38:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I keep tellin' him,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:25.77,0:38:28.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're not out to pasture yet.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:28.65,0:38:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can improve.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:30.82,0:38:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That's what I want, just like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:32.39,0:38:34.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just end up going back\Nand forth to doctors.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:34.43,0:38:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Things just keep creepin' up
Dialogue: 0,0:38:36.27,0:38:38.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I get older everyday and\Npretty soon I'm thinkin',
Dialogue: 0,0:38:38.85,0:38:41.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, by the time I,\Nif I ever do get cured,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:41.29,0:38:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll be so old I'll probably\Ndie within three days
Dialogue: 0,0:38:43.28,0:38:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after I get cured.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:45.37,0:38:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:47.19,0:38:49.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hold on a second.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:49.35,0:38:52.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(camera clicks)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:52.91,0:38:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With the windsurfer.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:54.64,0:38:57.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(camera clicks)
Dialogue: 0,0:39:00.54,0:39:01.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:01.55,0:39:04.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:05.92,0:39:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right now I just wanna\Nget through college.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:11.09,0:39:13.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, since I've been in the hospital
Dialogue: 0,0:39:13.25,0:39:15.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I slowly started getting better.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:15.23,0:39:16.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was really frightened\Nand paranoid for awhile.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:16.98,0:39:18.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wouldn't talk to anybody
Dialogue: 0,0:39:18.60,0:39:21.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they put me on Depakote and Risperdal.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:21.31,0:39:22.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I slowly started getting better.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:22.54,0:39:24.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started feeling better.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:27.65,0:39:29.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What's going on now
Dialogue: 0,0:39:29.08,0:39:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in terms of hearing voices?
Dialogue: 0,0:39:30.58,0:39:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I don't hear any voices.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:37.23,0:39:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You don't hear any voices at all?
Dialogue: 0,0:39:39.14,0:39:42.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I hear two, but they're\Nnot, they're pleasant.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:42.81,0:39:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they're very vague and\Nthey're very far removed from me.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:50.23,0:39:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working at the Barnard\NBook Forum right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:52.70,0:39:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's right across the\Nstreet from my school.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:56.26,0:39:58.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,According to this it's $2.95.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:58.07,0:39:59.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> $2.95, okay.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:59.100,0:40:01.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I wish I was graduating.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:01.82,0:40:05.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel like I've been left behind.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:05.26,0:40:09.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm going back to school\Nand I'll graduate eventually.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:12.56,0:40:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of my symptoms have gone away.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:13.92,0:40:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't really hear anything anymore
Dialogue: 0,0:40:15.83,0:40:19.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't really feel sick anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:19.27,0:40:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I feel normal again.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:22.20,0:40:23.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> After how long?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:23.93,0:40:25.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Three years.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:25.98,0:40:27.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Must be a great feeling.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:27.97,0:40:28.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:29.77,0:40:32.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a good feeling.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:32.12,0:40:33.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to make an adjustment, though.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:33.89,0:40:35.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, the voices sort of kept me company.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:35.61,0:40:37.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, I'd have these long\Nphilosophical conversations
Dialogue: 0,0:40:37.59,0:40:39.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with them about life and God.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:39.74,0:40:43.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that sounds really\Ncrazy, but it was interesting.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:43.26,0:40:46.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now I'm, like, by myself all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:46.52,0:40:47.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's kind of weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:47.74,0:40:51.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The silence is a little eerie sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:51.44,0:40:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm doing much better.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:01.68,0:41:03.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think a combination of\NAdam and the medication
Dialogue: 0,0:41:03.91,0:41:05.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has helped my recovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:05.60,0:41:06.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't get up.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:06.86,0:41:08.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Want some help?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:09.14,0:41:11.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Adam's really\Nsupportive, he's very sweet.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:11.11,0:41:12.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whoa!
Dialogue: 0,0:41:12.38,0:41:13.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's very caring.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:15.28,0:41:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he's just a very special person
Dialogue: 0,0:41:17.52,0:41:18.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Whoa.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:18.37,0:41:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You can't get me up.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:19.64,0:41:20.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't get up.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:20.51,0:41:23.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You can hold on, come on.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:23.18,0:41:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Woo!
Dialogue: 0,0:41:25.94,0:41:28.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been seeing him\Nfor about five months,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:28.24,0:41:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five and a half months.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:29.38,0:41:30.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That hurt?
Dialogue: 0,0:41:30.54,0:41:31.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> It hurt my wrist.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:31.76,0:41:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He introduced himself when\NI was in the hospital.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:34.28,0:41:35.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was leaning against the wall.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:35.77,0:41:37.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was selectively mute.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:37.33,0:41:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a little paranoid delusional.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:39.41,0:41:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was dressed in this\Nhorrible hospital gown,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:42.83,0:41:44.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just looked terrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:44.35,0:41:45.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He came up to me and introduced himself
Dialogue: 0,0:41:45.75,0:41:46.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he told me later 'cause he thought
Dialogue: 0,0:41:46.97,0:41:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I looked cute. (laughs)
Dialogue: 0,0:41:53.90,0:41:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was in St. Luke's\NI would never imagine
Dialogue: 0,0:41:55.92,0:42:00.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that six months later I would\Nhave a very sweet boyfriend.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:01.54,0:42:02.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really thought my life was over
Dialogue: 0,0:42:02.81,0:42:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was on that gurney.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:04.50,0:42:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really thought everything was,
Dialogue: 0,0:42:05.62,0:42:07.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I was gonna\Nbe committed for life.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:07.24,0:42:10.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I was gonna be there forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:11.35,0:42:14.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I have to try to rebuild\Na new life for myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:14.60,0:42:18.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all very hard starting over.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:18.10,0:42:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you never know what happens.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:20.17,0:42:22.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could get sick again.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:22.18,0:42:25.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm sure it's gonna\Nbe a very rough road.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:52.25,0:42:53.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Todd.\N>> Yeah, hi.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:53.66,0:42:56.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What happened?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:56.15,0:42:56.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:56.98,0:43:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They just said that I smashed some windows
Dialogue: 0,0:43:00.99,0:43:03.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and harassing phone calls.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:03.59,0:43:07.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nothing too, I didn't\Nkill nobody or nothin',
Dialogue: 0,0:43:07.68,0:43:09.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so it's not so bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:09.09,0:43:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just some people's word over mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:13.08,0:43:14.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> How long have you been in for?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:14.35,0:43:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Near a month.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:15.78,0:43:17.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You've been in here for a month?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:17.16,0:43:18.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Mm-hm.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:18.40,0:43:21.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What's it like?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:21.29,0:43:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> It's violent.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:23.36,0:43:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's racial.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:26.12,0:43:30.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I witnessed one dude get his\Near taken off in a fight.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:30.64,0:43:32.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was laughin'.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:32.21,0:43:33.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was absolutely laughin'.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:33.96,0:43:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, it was like\Nthey were slow dancing
Dialogue: 0,0:43:36.59,0:43:38.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this dude's got the\Nother dude by the ear,
Dialogue: 0,0:43:38.28,0:43:39.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's goin' (growls).
Dialogue: 0,0:43:39.70,0:43:41.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(men laugh)
Dialogue: 0,0:43:41.82,0:43:45.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to get a laugh out of it, you know.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:45.47,0:43:47.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> How does this compare\Nto the state hospital?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:47.30,0:43:48.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, we first filmed you about--
Dialogue: 0,0:43:48.53,0:43:51.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> This is better than\Nthe Lindemann Center.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:51.18,0:43:54.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is better than the\NLindemann Center, okay?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:54.19,0:43:55.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's better.
Dialogue: 0,0:43:55.16,0:43:56.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Why?
Dialogue: 0,0:43:57.99,0:44:00.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Don't have any roaches.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:00.80,0:44:03.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The food is about the same.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:03.71,0:44:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You got more area to walk around in.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:06.00,0:44:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You'd rather be here
Dialogue: 0,0:44:07.08,0:44:08.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than be in the hospital,\Nis that what you're saying?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:08.65,0:44:09.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Exactly. Exactly.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:09.81,0:44:12.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because here I know that\NI can go to court, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:12.62,0:44:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they can give me not as much time
Dialogue: 0,0:44:15.84,0:44:18.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as what the Lindemann Center\Nwoulda gave me, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:18.07,0:44:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know how much time\Nthey wanted to give me?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:20.40,0:44:22.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Six fucking months, all right.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:22.37,0:44:23.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> In that state hospital
Dialogue: 0,0:44:23.37,0:44:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we first filmed you.\N>> In that state hospital.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:24.54,0:44:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right, six months.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:25.39,0:44:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Are you takin' your medicine?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:26.25,0:44:27.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah, I'm takin' my medicine.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:27.74,0:44:32.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Does that make a difference for you?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:32.35,0:44:34.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That was then, this is now.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:34.72,0:44:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, things change with the weather.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:37.36,0:44:38.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> In other words, do\Nyou need your lithium?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:38.85,0:44:39.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yes, I do.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:39.72,0:44:41.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do need my lithium.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:41.77,0:44:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was a different person back then.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:45.36,0:44:47.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A total different person.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:47.22,0:44:50.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a different person\Nwhen I'm off my medication.
Dialogue: 0,0:44:50.29,0:44:51.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Let me ask you,
Dialogue: 0,0:44:51.16,0:44:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you think you belong\Nhere with convicts?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:53.64,0:44:55.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or you think you belong in a hospital?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:55.09,0:44:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where do you belong?
Dialogue: 0,0:44:59.11,0:45:00.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:00.73,0:45:01.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:03.24,0:45:04.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:06.07,0:45:08.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(gavel thudding)
Dialogue: 0,0:45:08.49,0:45:11.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(crowd chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:45:39.50,0:45:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> The first number, 118.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:40.95,0:45:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I might wanna double that also.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:42.60,0:45:44.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Okay.\N>> With him.
Dialogue: 0,0:45:44.12,0:45:47.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(musicians chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:45:51.72,0:45:55.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(instruments tuning up)
Dialogue: 0,0:46:04.78,0:46:05.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> This is the first time
Dialogue: 0,0:46:05.73,0:46:09.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I've been playing since I've had ECT.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:09.75,0:46:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm very nervous and just very anxious
Dialogue: 0,0:46:12.07,0:46:14.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about having to see all these people
Dialogue: 0,0:46:14.03,0:46:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and get back into a situation\Nwhere I'm actually playing.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:16.99,0:46:18.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, it's really just been so long
Dialogue: 0,0:46:18.74,0:46:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I don't see myself so\Nmuch as a musician anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:22.20,0:46:25.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see myself more as a patient, actually.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:26.82,0:46:28.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Measure nine.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:32.06,0:46:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:46:34.06,0:46:37.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> So, it's something that\Nused to feel so natural
Dialogue: 0,0:46:37.77,0:46:41.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so matter of fact\Nnow feels so foreign.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:41.46,0:46:43.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I'm just nervous.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:45.43,0:46:47.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> It's outta tune.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:49.41,0:46:51.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no accent, no accent on that da-dum.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:51.13,0:46:51.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The figure is
Dialogue: 0,0:46:51.96,0:46:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Daaa da dum
Dialogue: 0,0:46:52.95,0:46:53.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not
Dialogue: 0,0:46:53.78,0:46:55.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Dum duh dum ba dum
Dialogue: 0,0:46:55.77,0:46:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I need to hear the F sharp,\Na really nice big F sharp.
Dialogue: 0,0:46:58.77,0:47:00.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Ba ba bum
Dialogue: 0,0:47:00.01,0:47:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♫ Baaa da dum
Dialogue: 0,0:47:02.22,0:47:03.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You were changing the strength there?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:03.85,0:47:04.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:04.73,0:47:05.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Can you not do that?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:05.73,0:47:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I'm doing it (mumbles).
Dialogue: 0,0:47:06.59,0:47:07.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Can you do it all one string?
Dialogue: 0,0:47:07.93,0:47:08.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:09.60,0:47:11.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bar nine, one, two.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:12.05,0:47:14.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:47:37.70,0:47:40.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Through the rehearsals\Nover the last few days
Dialogue: 0,0:47:40.34,0:47:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's just made me realize how\Nmuch I wanna do this again.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:44.45,0:47:45.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, I feel like it's possible
Dialogue: 0,0:47:45.98,0:47:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now that the depression is\Nkind of cleared out of my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:49.94,0:47:52.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For such a long time it was there
Dialogue: 0,0:47:52.81,0:47:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was so overpowering\Nthat I didn't think
Dialogue: 0,0:47:54.74,0:47:57.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was any way I was\Ngonna be able to escape it.
Dialogue: 0,0:47:57.15,0:47:59.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, it was just so consuming
Dialogue: 0,0:47:59.25,0:48:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I just didn't think any\Nof this would be possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:02.26,0:48:04.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:48:04.89,0:48:09.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel like it's possible\Nto become a musician again.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:41.42,0:48:44.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(musicians chattering)
Dialogue: 0,0:48:47.99,0:48:49.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, it was a great day.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:49.97,0:48:50.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:51.85,0:48:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just really...
Dialogue: 0,0:48:52.97,0:48:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Bar 10?\N>> Yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:53.80,0:48:54.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You kicked some ass.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:54.90,0:48:57.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Thanks, thanks.
Dialogue: 0,0:48:57.08,0:49:00.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(somber orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:49:06.08,0:49:06.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> One.
Dialogue: 0,0:49:08.29,0:49:10.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(camera clicks)
Dialogue: 0,0:49:10.10,0:49:10.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:50:19.26,0:50:22.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(rhythmic orchestral music)
Dialogue: 0,0:52:28.33,0:52:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(static hissing)\N(electronic tone reverberates)
Dialogue: 0,0:52:32.17,0:52:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(dramatic orchestral music)