Why do mothers not see their daughters as people? | Elena Tryakina | TEDxAbayStWomen

Elena Tryakina shares with us her observations from 20 years of experience working with people and comes to the conclusion that one of the most dangerous forms of sexism is misogyny.

Elena Tryakina is a psychologist and a psychotherapist.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

I remember quite clearly that evening
when I first encountered this problem,

or rather, caught sight of this problem,
that left me confounded.

My client, a woman with whom I had worked
very successfully for some years then,

suddenly asked me
at the start of a session,

'Elena Victorovna, tell me,
do you have a son or daughter?'

When I replied, surprised, 'A son',
she said, 'Then you won't understand me.'

Asking 'What's this all about?'
and 'Why is that important?',

I heard to my utter astonishment

that friends of hers who had sons

had reacted highly aggressively,
with much prejudice,

and extremely accusingly.

My client's daughter found herself

in an emotionally complicated situation
after her boyfriend had committed suicide.

(Heavy sigh)

I was utterly stunned.

Naturally, I endeavoured to convince
my client that this was just impossible,

that I was fair and unbiased.

It would be out of character for me

to treat people differently
based on gender.

I don't have separate lists
of requirements for men and women.

We started working, and all ended well.

But from that moment on,
I started my own log:

To what extent is our society impregnated
with the poison of sexism and misogyny?

A little reminder: speakers
before me have spoken on sexism,

but to be clear, let's recall what it is:

sexism is gender-based discrimination.

My topic for today is misogyny.

Misogyny is the hatred
or loathing of women.

There is also misandry too,
which is the hatred or loathing of men.

This also, one must recognize,
is a huge topic,

but one for a talk another time.

While misogyny is loathsome in itself,

there is another form of it

known as internalized or female misogyny.

About this, as a problem, we've only
been talking for the past two years.

What is it?

Well, it is, perhaps, the most vile,
most treacherous form there is.

It is the hatred and loathing of women
broadcast by women about other women.

More strongly put,

it is the complete and utter
unbridled loathing of themselves.

You think this is not our problem,

not our society or you personally?

Well, I have to disappoint you.

Have you never told a little girl

in response to her cries and pleas
that justice be meted out to her offender:

'You what?! Forget it!

You're a girl!

Girls mustn't be so aggressive.

Girls should be gentle.'

Do you understand what's going on here?

We're not even recognizing
her legitimate right to discontent,

that she too has feelings.

We don't teach her the civility

in expressing one's feelings
of anger and protest.

What we do here is impart to her
the basics of gender inequality or sexism.

Here's another example.

Mums, dads and grandparents,
when talking to a psychologist,

express concern

when a boy does not exhibit
what they believe to be essential traits:

aggression, perseverance,
interest in aggressive sports.

They think something's wrong with him.

But, most likely, the boy just has
a more contemplative mindset,

and, in fact, is more interested
in history, art and so on.

This too is sexism.

Our whole society
is drenched in this poison.

Society demands
that boys should be assertive,

thrive on success,

be born leaders;

but girls, they should concern themselves
with keeping their figures.

A boy is sent off to work, to accomplish,

while a girl is reminded
that, in assessing grooms,

not to set her sights too high
or she may be left to become an old maid.

Well, that's as it might be,
what follows is best not spoken about.

In this case, note, an old ox
makes a straight furrow.

You noticed? Yes, it's
my favourite saying.

What happens next, do you see?

Such an upbringing starts in childhood.

I remember a case from my own
childhood many years ago.

I wasn't raised in a patriarchal family,
so this was all quite surprising to me.

I remember the exact moment

when the adult world seemed
all too strange and inadequate.

I was 14 at the time.

When asked sweetly about
my educational intentions,

I answered very seriously

that I had in mind the paediatric
faculty of a medical institute.

What I heard then was this:

'Are you mad? It's all girls there,
nowhere you'll find a husband.'

You know, this is something I know about,
it's how it was in the early 80s.

But it hasn't changed;

it's simply cloaked in new garb.

Can you imagine

that a young man would seriously turn down
a grant that he received fairly,

just for the sake of a girl?

No, of course not.

What's more, he'd be supported
in this by his relatives and friends.

But for girls it's just so.

I personally encountered
this sort of thing twice.

And do you know
what's most surprising to me?

Girls' relatives and close family,

people who, one is to appreciate,

are concerned above all
with her proper socialization,

show full understanding
towards such self-sacrifice

and future development of the situation.

If we give ourselves to understand
that such is the way relationships are,

does it not speak volumes on how
unfavourably such relationships develop?

What is most interesting here
is that I was brought up to believe

that the most important thing
in a girl's life is a relationship.

Everything else, her education,
her socialization,

her self-realization, her career,
and even her money,

all that is secondary,

and would only be of some meaning
should her relationships fail.

Is this not a true picture?

Understand ...

Many years have passed, but what we have
is the inertia of a patriarchal system

for which there is no longer reason,

not of any economic nature,
nor of any social nature,

nor, now at least, of any domestic nature,

propagating in the form of stereotypes
in the mindsets of our fellow citizens,

passed on from generation to generation.

The norm of upbringing in our families.

What is the main thing a girl is required
to do above all else? Get married.

That is what's important.

That is, you can be smart,
be this, be that,

but the most important thing
is to get married.

Note that for that,
she should be able to cook,

she should be gentle, easy to get on with,
and she should choose her husband wisely,

as if, you know, this is the last decision
she may ever make in her life,

as if divorce in our society
does not to exist.

Just so? Yes? And, of course,
crucially, that decision is all hers.

This is simply shocking, but true.

Thereafter, one's husband
is unquestionably in charge.

Actually, there's nothing wrong
with a marriage of convenience,

it may even be good,

for the best even.

Without all the getting it together,
it can be really cool,

because the mind is cold, unfeeling,
and easily manipulated, is it not?

This is deemed the normal way
of bringing up our daughters.

You know, this bizarre fear

of not pleasing some unapproachable
husband that she cannot make out,

it will just have our women
make scary things of our girls.

You know, I think we hit
a high point sometime recently.

You've probably read

the waves of news reports
about the terrible violence

inflicted by mothers
on their own children?

Now, hear this:

all those children were girls.

It escaped you? It is
really very disturbing.

You know, scary as it is, these mothers
don't see their daughters as people.

They see them as -

I don't quite know - potential servants
servicing men, perhaps.

You see, the gaining of merit ...
all that is recognized as secondary.

This is simply terrible.

This is the sexist,
misogynistic way of parenting

that impregnates all strata
of our society.

It is accepted almost without question.

Here's a classical saying:

A child must have a father.

Realize this is a terrible phrase,
and, in fact, terribly sexist.

A child should not have any father;

a child should have a good father,

right?

Another case I met with in my practice.

A large company, very large,
very successful, very advanced.

We were discussing
an underperforming section.

I asked innocently,

'But why are there only girls
in this section?'

This, although, in all other respects,
there was a remarkably mixed workforce.

And, well, I got an answer that amazed.

'The rates are the same, but it's just
very tedious, painstaking work.

The guys wouldn't be
interested in it there.'

What was interesting is that
these were responsible people,

and they were all genuinely surprised

when I called such an approach
to staffing extremely sexist,

and asked what they expected.

They understood me.

The situation there, by the way,
is now resolved, I know well.

But just how are we going on?

Here's a more recent example.

Another of my clients,

a top manager of another
extremely progressive company,

suddenly had this directed at her:

'So, do you still have any ambitions?'

Fair question, right?

Know what was really terrible?

She started to vindicate herself.

Have you noticed this?

We still start to justify
to ourselves, friends,

in that we do still have
ambitions, desires,

and we hope that in some way

how many we are
equates to how good we are.

Well,

this phenomenon has probably
always existed in our society.

However, the real tragedy came about
after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Where it come from, we don't know -

out of the darkness of the ages,

I even suspect, maybe,
from some kind of genetic memory,

something like that,
or was spontaneously generated,

such that the idea started to be broadcast

that it's the case that women,
by nature, are parasitic,

mercantile,

dependent.

Notions of learned helplessness,
childish behaviour, began to spread.

Remember the motto of that time?

Mothers are pretty, fathers work.

(Laughter)

Well, this is really frightening
when you think about it, you realize?

Because it's not occurred to anyone

that this whole model of society
is not supported by any institution,

no state institution whatsoever.

Moreover, it has no correspondence

with any social or economic situation
at any given moment in time.

For some reason, suddenly no shame
was attached to prostitution.

From the wild, vulgar sort -

remember the film 'Intergirl',

we all wept over the fate
of the unhappy prostitutes, didn't we? -

to a discreet, repulsive, latent form.

What's most frightening

is the fact that this inertia
is still going on to this day.

For some reason, all of a sudden,

successful women making their own money -

well, in the 1990s,
it was becoming difficult,

women were becoming seen
as unlucky and unhappy.

To this day, nothing has changed.

About a month and a half ago,
I recall suffering civil outrage.

On our most popular website,
at least in some circles,

www.nur.kz,

I read an article entitled,

'The most successful tokals
in Kazakhstan'.

The mores of our time?

I'll explain what it means.

A tokal is a polygamous wife,

one of the latent forms of prostitution.

Well, generally speaking, not even latent,
I strongly incline to think it ... open.

This is what we reap
from our independence,

mustn't we conclude, friends:

gender inequality, exploitation,
humiliation.

To top it all, the author
of the article, friends, is a woman!

You really need to read it for yourselves.

When this journalist,
this woman, wrote this,

it makes one feel

she's no idea of the difference between
a kept woman and a lawful second marriage,

they're all in the list.

Moreover,

realize that listed by name are

media personalities, two winners
of a national beauty pageant,

together with their keepers, by the way.

With this article,
this lady has put under attack

the idea that women in Kazakhstan
can achieve success with integrity.

Here's my contribution
to the betterment of our society:

the writing of an open protest letter
with the hashtag #IWontLetItGo.

The purpose of this letter
was to create sound alternatives,

to protest against domestic violence,

as a natural continuation
of the movement #IWon'tBeSilent.

So, friends, we've the latest statistics.

Our letter was viewed by 55,000 people.

(Applause)

Over 700 comments.

A tumultuous discussion.

This is very important because people
exchange opinions with each other.

And, you know, reading them I was happy.

We really do have a healthy society.

And, you know, men were heartening,
they showed a healthier position.

You know, it's amazing,
here is my personal opinion:

our problem, it's sexism
and patriarchy in the female mindset.

(Applause)

Men, unfortunately ...

Our society needs, forgive me,

the growth of groups
for female self-awareness,

those proven forms of improving society,

and not some idiotic
personal training in femininity,

Vedic precepts,

uterine torsion or some
other obscurantisms.

(Applause)

They'll openly induce us to go about
without any knickers next!

(Laughter)

This will be the basis
for a happy existence.

But, surely, all along, you will consider

a sexism-saturated society
not to be a healthy one.

No, it cannot be healthy at all.

That's it.

(Applause)