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I remember quite clearly that evening
when I first encountered this problem,

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00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,940
or rather, caught sight of this problem,
that left me confounded.

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My client, a woman with whom I had worked
very successfully for some years then,

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suddenly asked me
at the start of a session,

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00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:55,640
'Elena Victorovna, tell me,
do you have a son or daughter?'

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00:00:56,900 --> 00:01:00,650
When I replied, surprised, 'A son',
she said, 'Then you won't understand me.'

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Asking 'What's this all about?'
and 'Why is that important?',

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I heard to my utter astonishment

9
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that friends of hers who had sons

10
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had reacted highly aggressively,
with much prejudice,

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and extremely accusingly.

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My client's daughter found herself

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in an emotionally complicated situation
after her boyfriend had committed suicide.

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(Heavy sigh)

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I was utterly stunned.

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Naturally, I endeavoured to convince
my client that this was just impossible,

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that I was fair and unbiased.

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It would be out of character for me

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to treat people differently
based on gender.

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I don't have separate lists
of requirements for men and women.

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We started working, and all ended well.

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But from that moment on,
I started my own log:

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To what extent is our society impregnated
with the poison of sexism and misogyny?

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A little reminder: speakers
before me have spoken on sexism,

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but to be clear, let's recall what it is:

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sexism is gender-based discrimination.

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My topic for today is misogyny.

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Misogyny is the hatred
or loathing of women.

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There is also misandry too,
which is the hatred or loathing of men.

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This also, one must recognize,
is a huge topic,

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but one for a talk another time.

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While misogyny is loathsome in itself,

33
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there is another form of it

34
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known as internalized or female misogyny.

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About this, as a problem, we've only
been talking for the past two years.

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What is it?

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Well, it is, perhaps, the most vile,
most treacherous form there is.

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It is the hatred and loathing of women
broadcast by women about other women.

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More strongly put,

40
00:03:10,470 --> 00:03:13,520
it is the complete and utter
unbridled loathing of themselves.

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You think this is not our problem,

42
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not our society or you personally?

43
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Well, I have to disappoint you.

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Have you never told a little girl

45
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in response to her cries and pleas
that justice be meted out to her offender:

46
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'You what?! Forget it!

47
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You're a girl!

48
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Girls mustn't be so aggressive.

49
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Girls should be gentle.'

50
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Do you understand what's going on here?

51
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We're not even recognizing
her legitimate right to discontent,

52
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that she too has feelings.

53
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We don't teach her the civility

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in expressing one's feelings
of anger and protest.

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What we do here is impart to her
the basics of gender inequality or sexism.

56
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Here's another example.

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00:04:10,940 --> 00:04:14,680
Mums, dads and grandparents,
when talking to a psychologist,

58
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express concern

59
00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:21,654
when a boy does not exhibit
what they believe to be essential traits:

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aggression, perseverance,
interest in aggressive sports.

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They think something's wrong with him.

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But, most likely, the boy just has
a more contemplative mindset,

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and, in fact, is more interested
in history, art and so on.

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This too is sexism.

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00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:45,800
Our whole society
is drenched in this poison.

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Society demands
that boys should be assertive,

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thrive on success,

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be born leaders;

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but girls, they should concern themselves
with keeping their figures.

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A boy is sent off to work, to accomplish,

71
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:09,180
while a girl is reminded
that, in assessing grooms,

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not to set her sights too high
or she may be left to become an old maid.

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Well, that's as it might be,
what follows is best not spoken about.

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In this case, note, an old ox
makes a straight furrow.

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You noticed? Yes, it's
my favourite saying.

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What happens next, do you see?

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Such an upbringing starts in childhood.

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I remember a case from my own
childhood many years ago.

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I wasn't raised in a patriarchal family,
so this was all quite surprising to me.

80
00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:41,360
I remember the exact moment

81
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:46,220
when the adult world seemed
all too strange and inadequate.

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I was 14 at the time.

83
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When asked sweetly about
my educational intentions,

84
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I answered very seriously

85
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,920
that I had in mind the paediatric
faculty of a medical institute.

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What I heard then was this:

87
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:03,479
'Are you mad? It's all girls there,
nowhere you'll find a husband.'

88
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,260
You know, this is something I know about,
it's how it was in the early 80s.

89
00:06:09,260 --> 00:06:10,720
But it hasn't changed;

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it's simply cloaked in new garb.

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Can you imagine

92
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that a young man would seriously turn down
a grant that he received fairly,

93
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just for the sake of a girl?

94
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No, of course not.

95
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,280
What's more, he'd be supported
in this by his relatives and friends.

96
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,000
But for girls it's just so.

97
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,960
I personally encountered
this sort of thing twice.

98
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,194
And do you know
what's most surprising to me?

99
00:06:39,194 --> 00:06:40,910
Girls' relatives and close family,

100
00:06:40,910 --> 00:06:43,110
people who, one is to appreciate,

101
00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:48,720
are concerned above all
with her proper socialization,

102
00:06:49,140 --> 00:06:54,020
show full understanding
towards such self-sacrifice

103
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and future development of the situation.

104
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,820
If we give ourselves to understand
that such is the way relationships are,

105
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:06,137
does it not speak volumes on how
unfavourably such relationships develop?

106
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,240
What is most interesting here
is that I was brought up to believe

107
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that the most important thing
in a girl's life is a relationship.

108
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Everything else, her education,
her socialization,

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her self-realization, her career,
and even her money,

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all that is secondary,

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and would only be of some meaning
should her relationships fail.

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Is this not a true picture?

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Understand ...

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Many years have passed, but what we have
is the inertia of a patriarchal system

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for which there is no longer reason,

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not of any economic nature,
nor of any social nature,

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nor, now at least, of any domestic nature,

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propagating in the form of stereotypes
in the mindsets of our fellow citizens,

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passed on from generation to generation.

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The norm of upbringing in our families.

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What is the main thing a girl is required
to do above all else? Get married.

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That is what's important.

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That is, you can be smart,
be this, be that,

124
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but the most important thing
is to get married.

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Note that for that,
she should be able to cook,

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she should be gentle, easy to get on with,
and she should choose her husband wisely,

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as if, you know, this is the last decision
she may ever make in her life,

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as if divorce in our society
does not to exist.

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Just so? Yes? And, of course,
crucially, that decision is all hers.

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This is simply shocking, but true.

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Thereafter, one's husband
is unquestionably in charge.

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Actually, there's nothing wrong
with a marriage of convenience,

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it may even be good,

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for the best even.

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Without all the getting it together,
it can be really cool,

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because the mind is cold, unfeeling,
and easily manipulated, is it not?

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This is deemed the normal way
of bringing up our daughters.

138
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You know, this bizarre fear

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of not pleasing some unapproachable
husband that she cannot make out,

140
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:15,100
it will just have our women
make scary things of our girls.

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00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,440
You know, I think we hit 
a high point sometime recently.

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You've probably read

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00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:23,940
the waves of news reports
about the terrible violence

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00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:27,660
inflicted by mothers
on their own children?

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00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,150
Now, hear this:

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all those children were girls.

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It escaped you? It is
really very disturbing.

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00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:43,560
You know, scary as it is, these mothers
don't see their daughters as people.

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They see them as -

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I don't quite know - potential servants 
servicing men, perhaps.

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00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:59,000
You see, the gaining of merit ...
all that is recognized as secondary.

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This is simply terrible.

153
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:06,100
This is the sexist,
misogynistic way of parenting

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that impregnates all strata
of our society.

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00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:12,620
It is accepted almost without question.

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Here's a classical saying:

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A child must have a father.

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Realize this is a terrible phrase,
and, in fact, terribly sexist.

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A child should not have any father;

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a child should have a good father,

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right?

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00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,500
Another case I met with in my practice.

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A large company, very large,
very successful, very advanced.

164
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We were discussing
an underperforming section.

165
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I asked innocently,

166
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'But why are there only girls
in this section?'

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This, although, in all other respects,
there was a remarkably mixed workforce.

168
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And, well, I got an answer that amazed.

169
00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:58,060
'The rates are the same, but it's just
very tedious, painstaking work.

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00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,579
The guys wouldn't be
interested in it there.'

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00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:06,260
What was interesting is that
these were responsible people,

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and they were all genuinely surprised

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when I called such an approach
to staffing extremely sexist,

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and asked what they expected.

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00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:19,360
They understood me.

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00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:23,220
The situation there, by the way,
is now resolved, I know well.

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00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:26,591
But just how are we going on?

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00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:28,968
Here's a more recent example.

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00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,940
Another of my clients,

180
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a top manager of another
extremely progressive company,

181
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,780
suddenly had this directed at her:

182
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,860
'So, do you still have any ambitions?'

183
00:11:42,579 --> 00:11:43,782
Fair question, right?

184
00:11:43,984 --> 00:11:45,466
Know what was really terrible?

185
00:11:45,477 --> 00:11:47,145
She started to vindicate herself.

186
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,620
Have you noticed this?

187
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,500
We still start to justify
to ourselves, friends,

188
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in that we do still have
ambitions, desires,

189
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:56,370
and we hope that in some way

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00:11:56,374 --> 00:11:59,265
how many we are
equates to how good we are.

191
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,540
Well,

192
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,120
this phenomenon has probably
always existed in our society.

193
00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:09,620
However, the real tragedy came about
after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

194
00:12:09,886 --> 00:12:11,554
Where it come from, we don't know -

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00:12:11,554 --> 00:12:13,383
out of the darkness of the ages,

196
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:16,746
I even suspect, maybe,
from some kind of genetic memory,

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00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:19,535
something like that,
or was spontaneously generated,

198
00:12:19,535 --> 00:12:22,032
such that the idea started to be broadcast

199
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:26,809
that it's the case that women,
by nature, are parasitic,

200
00:12:27,340 --> 00:12:28,600
mercantile,

201
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,620
dependent.

202
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:36,427
Notions of learned helplessness,
childish behaviour, began to spread.

203
00:12:36,445 --> 00:12:38,805
Remember the motto of that time?

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00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:41,120
Mothers are pretty, fathers work.

205
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,220
(Laughter)

206
00:12:44,727 --> 00:12:48,066
Well, this is really frightening
when you think about it, you realize?

207
00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:51,046
Because it's not occurred to anyone

208
00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:55,780
that this whole model of society
is not supported by any institution,

209
00:12:55,980 --> 00:12:58,000
no state institution whatsoever.

210
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:00,720
Moreover, it has no correspondence

211
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:06,020
with any social or economic situation
at any given moment in time.

212
00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:10,480
For some reason, suddenly no shame
was attached to prostitution.

213
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,600
From the wild, vulgar sort -

214
00:13:14,630 --> 00:13:16,199
remember the film 'Intergirl',

215
00:13:16,199 --> 00:13:19,378
we all wept over the fate
of the unhappy prostitutes, didn't we? -

216
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:23,520
to a discreet, repulsive, latent form.

217
00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:28,246
What's most frightening

218
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:31,360
is the fact that this inertia
is still going on to this day.

219
00:13:31,473 --> 00:13:35,072
For some reason, all of a sudden,

220
00:13:35,821 --> 00:13:40,560
successful women making their own money -

221
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,160
well, in the 1990s,
it was becoming difficult,

222
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:46,240
women were becoming seen
as unlucky and unhappy.

223
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,940
To this day, nothing has changed.

224
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:55,140
About a month and a half ago,
I recall suffering civil outrage.

225
00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:58,895
On our most popular website,
at least in some circles,

226
00:13:58,897 --> 00:14:00,229
www.nur.kz,

227
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,783
I read an article entitled,

228
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,848
'The most successful tokals
in Kazakhstan'.

229
00:14:04,915 --> 00:14:06,526
The mores of our time?

230
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,772
I'll explain what it means.

231
00:14:08,772 --> 00:14:10,242
A tokal is a polygamous wife,

232
00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:13,074
one of the latent forms of prostitution.

233
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,840
Well, generally speaking, not even latent,
I strongly incline to think it ... open.

234
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,400
This is what we reap
from our independence,

235
00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:23,852
mustn't we conclude, friends:

236
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:29,700
gender inequality, exploitation,
humiliation.

237
00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:33,460
To top it all, the author
of the article, friends, is a woman!

238
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,260
You really need to read it for yourselves.

239
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,640
When this journalist,
this woman, wrote this,

240
00:14:44,136 --> 00:14:45,412
it makes one feel

241
00:14:45,414 --> 00:14:49,332
she's no idea of the difference between
a kept woman and a lawful second marriage,

242
00:14:49,345 --> 00:14:50,755
they're all in the list.

243
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:52,465
Moreover,

244
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,280
realize that listed by name are

245
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,700
media personalities, two winners
of a national beauty pageant,

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00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,040
together with their keepers, by the way.

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With this article,
this lady has put under attack

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the idea that women in Kazakhstan
can achieve success with integrity.

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Here's my contribution
to the betterment of our society:

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the writing of an open protest letter
with the hashtag #IWontLetItGo.

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The purpose of this letter
was to create sound alternatives,

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to protest against domestic violence,

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as a natural continuation
of the movement #IWon'tBeSilent.

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So, friends, we've the latest statistics.

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Our letter was viewed by 55,000 people.

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(Applause)

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Over 700 comments.

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A tumultuous discussion.

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00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:57,700
This is very important because people
exchange opinions with each other.

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00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,160
And, you know, reading them I was happy.

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We really do have a healthy society.

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00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,180
And, you know, men were heartening,
they showed a healthier position.

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00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,620
You know, it's amazing,
here is my personal opinion:

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our problem, it's sexism
and patriarchy in the female mindset.

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(Applause)

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Men, unfortunately ...

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Our society needs, forgive me,

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the growth of groups
for female self-awareness,

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those proven forms of improving society,

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and not some idiotic
personal training in femininity,

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Vedic precepts,

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uterine torsion or some
other obscurantisms.

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(Applause)

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They'll openly induce us to go about
without any knickers next!

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(Laughter)

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This will be the basis
for a happy existence.

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But, surely, all along, you will consider

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a sexism-saturated society
not to be a healthy one.

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00:17:03,729 --> 00:17:05,383
No, it cannot be healthy at all.

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That's it.

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(Applause)