WEBVTT

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I remember quite clearly that evening
when I first encountered this problem,

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or rather, caught sight of this problem,
that left me confounded.

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My client, a woman with whom I had worked
very successfully for some years then,

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suddenly asked me
at the start of a session,

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'Elena Victorovna, tell me,
do you have a son or daughter?'

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When I replied, surprised, 'A son',
she said, 'Then you won't understand me.'

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Asking 'What's this all about?'
and 'Why is that important?',

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I heard to my utter astonishment

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that friends of hers who had sons

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had reacted highly aggressively,
with much prejudice,

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and extremely accusingly.

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My client's daughter found herself

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in an emotionally complicated situation
after her boyfriend had committed suicide.

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(Heavy sigh)

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I was utterly stunned.

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Naturally, I endeavoured to convince
my client that this was just impossible,

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that I was fair and unbiased.

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It would be out of character for me

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to treat people differently
based on gender.

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I don't have separate lists
of requirements for men and women.

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We started working, and all ended well.

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But from that moment on,
I started my own log:

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To what extent is our society impregnated
with the poison of sexism and misogyny?

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A little reminder: speakers
before me have spoken on sexism,

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but to be clear, let's recall what it is:

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sexism is gender-based discrimination.

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My topic for today is misogyny.

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Misogyny is the hatred
or loathing of women.

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There is also misandry too,
which is the hatred or loathing of men.

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This also, one must recognize,
is a huge topic,

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but one for a talk another time.

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While misogyny is loathsome in itself,

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there is another form of it

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known as internalized or female misogyny.

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About this, as a problem, we've only
been talking for the past two years.

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What is it?

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Well, it is, perhaps, the most vile,
most treacherous form there is.

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It is the hatred and loathing of women
broadcast by women about other women.

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More strongly put,

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it is the complete and utter
unbridled loathing of themselves.

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You think this is not our problem,

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not our society or you personally?

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Well, I have to disappoint you.

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Have you never told a little girl

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in response to her cries and pleas
that justice be meted out to her offender:

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'You what?! Forget it!

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You're a girl!

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Girls mustn't be so aggressive.

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Girls should be gentle.'

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Do you understand what's going on here?

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We're not even recognizing
her legitimate right to discontent,

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that she too has feelings.

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We don't teach her the civility

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in expressing one's feelings
of anger and protest.

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What we do here is impart to her
the basics of gender inequality or sexism.

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Here's another example.

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Mums, dads and grandparents,
when talking to a psychologist,

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express concern

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when a boy does not exhibit
what they believe to be essential traits:

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aggression, perseverance,
interest in aggressive sports.

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They think something's wrong with him.

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But, most likely, the boy just has
a more contemplative mindset,

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and, in fact, is more interested
in history, art and so on.

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This too is sexism.

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Our whole society
is drenched in this poison.

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Society demands
that boys should be assertive,

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thrive on success,

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be born leaders;

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but girls, they should concern themselves
with keeping their figures.

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A boy is sent off to work, to accomplish,

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while a girl is reminded
that, in assessing grooms,

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not to set her sights too high
or she may be left to become an old maid.

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Well, that's as it might be,
what follows is best not spoken about.

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In this case, note, an old ox
makes a straight furrow.

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You noticed? Yes, it's
my favourite saying.

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What happens next, do you see?

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Such an upbringing starts in childhood.

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I remember a case from my own
childhood many years ago.

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I wasn't raised in a patriarchal family,
so this was all quite surprising to me.

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I remember the exact moment

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when the adult world seemed
all too strange and inadequate.

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I was 14 at the time.

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When asked sweetly about
my educational intentions,

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I answered very seriously

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that I had in mind the paediatric
faculty of a medical institute.

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What I heard then was this:

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'Are you mad? It's all girls there,
nowhere you'll find a husband.'

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You know, this is something I know about,
it's how it was in the early 80s.

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But it hasn't changed;

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it's simply cloaked in new garb.

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Can you imagine

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that a young man would seriously turn down
a grant that he received fairly,

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just for the sake of a girl?

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No, of course not.

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What's more, he'd be supported
in this by his relatives and friends.

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But for girls it's just so.

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I personally encountered
this sort of thing twice.

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And do you know
what's most surprising to me?

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Girls' relatives and close family,

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people who, one is to appreciate,

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are concerned above all
with her proper socialization,

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show full understanding
towards such self-sacrifice

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and future development of the situation.

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If we give ourselves to understand
that such is the way relationships are,

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does it not speak volumes on how
unfavourably such relationships develop?

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What is most interesting here
is that I was brought up to believe

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that the most important thing
in a girl's life is a relationship.

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Everything else, her education,
her socialization,

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her self-realization, her career,
and even her money,

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all that is secondary,

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and would only be of some meaning
should her relationships fail.

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Is this not a true picture?

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Understand ...

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Many years have passed, but what we have
is the inertia of a patriarchal system

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for which there is no longer reason,

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not of any economic nature,
nor of any social nature,

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nor, now at least, of any domestic nature,

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propagating in the form of stereotypes
in the mindsets of our fellow citizens,

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passed on from generation to generation.

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The norm of upbringing in our families.

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What is the main thing a girl is required
to do above all else? Get married.

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That is what's important.

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That is, you can be smart,
be this, be that,

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but the most important thing
is to get married.

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Note that for that,
she should be able to cook,

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she should be gentle, easy to get on with,
and she should choose her husband wisely,

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as if, you know, this is the last decision
she may ever make in her life,

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as if divorce in our society
does not to exist.

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Just so? Yes? And, of course,
crucially, that decision is all hers.

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This is simply shocking, but true.

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Thereafter, one's husband
is unquestionably in charge.

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Actually, there's nothing wrong
with a marriage of convenience,

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it may even be good,

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for the best even.

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Without all the getting it together,
it can be really cool,

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because the mind is cold, unfeeling,
and easily manipulated, is it not?

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This is deemed the normal way
of bringing up our daughters.

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You know, this bizarre fear

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of not pleasing some unapproachable
husband that she cannot make out,

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it will just have our women
make scary things of our girls.

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You know, I think we hit 
a high point sometime recently.

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You've probably read

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the waves of news reports
about the terrible violence

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inflicted by mothers
on their own children?

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Now, hear this:

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all those children were girls.

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It escaped you? It is
really very disturbing.

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You know, scary as it is, these mothers
don't see their daughters as people.

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They see them as -

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I don't quite know - potential servants 
servicing men, perhaps.

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You see, the gaining of merit ...
all that is recognized as secondary.

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This is simply terrible.

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This is the sexist,
misogynistic way of parenting

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that impregnates all strata
of our society.

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It is accepted almost without question.

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Here's a classical saying:

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A child must have a father.

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Realize this is a terrible phrase,
and, in fact, terribly sexist.

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A child should not have any father;

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a child should have a good father,

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right?

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Another case I met with in my practice.

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A large company, very large,
very successful, very advanced.

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We were discussing
an underperforming section.

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I asked innocently,

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'But why are there only girls
in this section?'

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This, although, in all other respects,
there was a remarkably mixed workforce.

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And, well, I got an answer that amazed.

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'The rates are the same, but it's just
very tedious, painstaking work.

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The guys wouldn't be
interested in it there.'

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What was interesting is that
these were responsible people,

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and they were all genuinely surprised

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when I called such an approach
to staffing extremely sexist,

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and asked what they expected.

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They understood me.

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The situation there, by the way,
is now resolved, I know well.

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But just how are we going on?

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Here's a more recent example.

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Another of my clients,

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a top manager of another
extremely progressive company,

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suddenly had this directed at her:

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'So, do you still have any ambitions?'

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Fair question, right?

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Know what was really terrible?

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She started to vindicate herself.

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Have you noticed this?

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We still start to justify
to ourselves, friends,

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in that we do still have
ambitions, desires,

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and we hope that in some way

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how many we are
equates to how good we are.

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Well,

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this phenomenon has probably
always existed in our society.

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However, the real tragedy came about
after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

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Where it come from, we don't know -

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out of the darkness of the ages,

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I even suspect, maybe,
from some kind of genetic memory,

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something like that,
or was spontaneously generated,

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such that the idea started to be broadcast

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that it's the case that women,
by nature, are parasitic,

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mercantile,

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dependent.

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Notions of learned helplessness,
childish behaviour, began to spread.

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Remember the motto of that time?

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Mothers are pretty, fathers work.

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(Laughter)

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Well, this is really frightening
when you think about it, you realize?

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Because it's not occurred to anyone

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that this whole model of society
is not supported by any institution,

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no state institution whatsoever.

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Moreover, it has no correspondence

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with any social or economic situation
at any given moment in time.

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For some reason, suddenly no shame
was attached to prostitution.

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From the wild, vulgar sort -

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remember the film 'Intergirl',

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we all wept over the fate
of the unhappy prostitutes, didn't we? -

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to a discreet, repulsive, latent form.

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What's most frightening

00:13:28.250 --> 00:13:31.360
is the fact that this inertia
is still going on to this day.

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For some reason, all of a sudden,

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successful women making their own money -

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well, in the 1990s,
it was becoming difficult,

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women were becoming seen
as unlucky and unhappy.

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To this day, nothing has changed.

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About a month and a half ago,
I recall suffering civil outrage.

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On our most popular website,
at least in some circles,

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www.nur.kz,

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I read an article entitled,

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'The most successful tokals
in Kazakhstan'.

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The mores of our time?

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I'll explain what it means.

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A tokal is a polygamous wife,

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one of the latent forms of prostitution.

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Well, generally speaking, not even latent,
I strongly incline to think it ... open.

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This is what we reap
from our independence,

00:14:22.410 --> 00:14:23.852
mustn't we conclude, friends:

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gender inequality, exploitation,
humiliation.

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To top it all, the author
of the article, friends, is a woman!

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You really need to read it for yourselves.

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When this journalist,
this woman, wrote this,

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it makes one feel

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she's no idea of the difference between
a kept woman and a lawful second marriage,

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they're all in the list.

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Moreover,

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realize that listed by name are

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media personalities, two winners
of a national beauty pageant,

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together with their keepers, by the way.

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With this article,
this lady has put under attack

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the idea that women in Kazakhstan
can achieve success with integrity.

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Here's my contribution
to the betterment of our society:

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the writing of an open protest letter
with the hashtag #IWontLetItGo.

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The purpose of this letter
was to create sound alternatives,

00:15:29.380 --> 00:15:31.640
to protest against domestic violence,

00:15:32.180 --> 00:15:36.240
as a natural continuation
of the movement #IWon'tBeSilent.

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So, friends, we've the latest statistics.

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Our letter was viewed by 55,000 people.

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(Applause)

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Over 700 comments.

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A tumultuous discussion.

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This is very important because people
exchange opinions with each other.

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And, you know, reading them I was happy.

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We really do have a healthy society.

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And, you know, men were heartening,
they showed a healthier position.

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You know, it's amazing,
here is my personal opinion:

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our problem, it's sexism
and patriarchy in the female mindset.

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(Applause)

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Men, unfortunately ...

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Our society needs, forgive me,

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the growth of groups
for female self-awareness,

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those proven forms of improving society,

00:16:37.500 --> 00:16:40.640
and not some idiotic
personal training in femininity,

00:16:41.060 --> 00:16:42.260
Vedic precepts,

00:16:42.300 --> 00:16:44.840
uterine torsion or some
other obscurantisms.

00:16:44.900 --> 00:16:46.260
(Applause)

00:16:46.281 --> 00:16:49.442
They'll openly induce us to go about
without any knickers next!

00:16:49.480 --> 00:16:50.500
(Laughter)

00:16:50.560 --> 00:16:53.520
This will be the basis
for a happy existence.

00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:55.980
But, surely, all along, you will consider

00:16:57.100 --> 00:17:00.700
a sexism-saturated society
not to be a healthy one.

00:17:03.729 --> 00:17:05.383
No, it cannot be healthy at all.

00:17:05.383 --> 00:17:06.606
That's it.

00:17:06.681 --> 00:17:09.373
(Applause)