What I learned from 100 days of rejection
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0:01 - 0:02When I was six years old,
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0:02 - 0:04I received my gifts.
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0:04 - 0:08My first grade teacher
had this brilliant idea. -
0:08 - 0:11She wanted us to experience
receiving gifts -
0:11 - 0:15but also learning the virtue
of complimenting each other. -
0:16 - 0:19So she had all of us
come to the front of the classroom, -
0:19 - 0:22and she bought all of us gifts
and stacked them in the corner. -
0:22 - 0:23And she said,
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0:23 - 0:25"Why don't we just stand here
and compliment each other? -
0:25 - 0:27If you hear your name called,
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0:27 - 0:29go and pick up your gift and sit down."
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0:31 - 0:32What a wonderful idea, right?
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0:33 - 0:34What could go wrong?
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0:34 - 0:36(Laughter)
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0:36 - 0:38Well, there were 40 of us to start with,
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0:38 - 0:41and every time I heard
someone's name called, -
0:41 - 0:43I would give out the heartiest cheer.
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0:43 - 0:46And then there were 20 people left,
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0:46 - 0:48and 10 people left,
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0:48 - 0:49and five left ...
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0:50 - 0:51and three left.
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0:51 - 0:52And I was one of them.
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0:53 - 0:54And the compliments stopped.
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0:56 - 0:58Well, at that moment, I was crying.
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0:59 - 1:01And the teacher was freaking out.
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1:01 - 1:04She was like, "Hey, would anyone
say anything nice about these people?" -
1:04 - 1:06(Laughter)
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1:06 - 1:09"No one? OK, why don't you
go get your gift and sit down. -
1:09 - 1:10So behave next year --
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1:10 - 1:12someone might say
something nice about you." -
1:12 - 1:14(Laughter)
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1:15 - 1:16Well, as I'm describing this you,
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1:16 - 1:19you probably know
I remember this really well. -
1:19 - 1:20(Laughter)
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1:21 - 1:23But I don't know who felt worse that day.
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1:23 - 1:25Was it me or the teacher?
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1:25 - 1:28She must have realized
that she turned a team-building event -
1:28 - 1:31into a public roast
for three six-year-olds. -
1:32 - 1:33And without the humor.
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1:33 - 1:35You know, when you see
people get roasted on TV, -
1:35 - 1:37it was funny.
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1:37 - 1:39There was nothing funny about that day.
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1:39 - 1:42So that was one version of me,
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1:42 - 1:46and I would die to avoid
being in that situation again -- -
1:46 - 1:48to get rejected in public again.
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1:48 - 1:50That's one version.
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1:50 - 1:52Then fast-forward eight years.
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1:52 - 1:54Bill Gates came to my hometown --
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1:54 - 1:56Beijing, China --
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1:56 - 1:57to speak,
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1:57 - 1:59and I saw his message.
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1:59 - 2:01I fell in love with that guy.
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2:01 - 2:04I thought, wow,
I know what I want to do now. -
2:04 - 2:06That night I wrote a letter to my family
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2:06 - 2:08telling them: "By age 25,
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2:08 - 2:11I will build the biggest
company in the world, -
2:11 - 2:13and that company will buy Microsoft."
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2:13 - 2:15(Laughter)
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2:15 - 2:17I totally embraced this idea
of conquering the world -- -
2:18 - 2:19domination, right?
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2:19 - 2:22And I didn't make this up,
I did write that letter. -
2:22 - 2:23And here it is --
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2:23 - 2:25(Laughter)
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2:25 - 2:27You don't have to read this through --
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2:27 - 2:29(Laughter)
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2:29 - 2:32This is also bad handwriting,
but I did highlight some key words. -
2:34 - 2:35You get the idea.
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2:35 - 2:37(Laughter)
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2:37 - 2:38So ...
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2:39 - 2:41that was another version of me:
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2:41 - 2:43one who will conquer the world.
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2:44 - 2:45Well, then two years later,
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2:45 - 2:49I was presented with the opportunity
to come to the United States. -
2:49 - 2:51I jumped on it,
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2:51 - 2:53because that was
where Bill Gates lived, right? -
2:53 - 2:54(Laughter)
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2:54 - 2:57I thought that was the start
of my entrepreneur journey. -
2:58 - 3:00Then, fast-forward another 14 years.
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3:00 - 3:01I was 30.
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3:01 - 3:04Nope, I didn't build that company.
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3:04 - 3:05I didn't even start.
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3:05 - 3:09I was actually a marketing manager
for a Fortune 500 company. -
3:09 - 3:11And I felt I was stuck;
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3:11 - 3:12I was stagnant.
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3:13 - 3:14Why is that?
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3:14 - 3:17Where is that 14-year-old
who wrote that letter? -
3:17 - 3:19It's not because he didn't try.
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3:19 - 3:23It's because every time I had a new idea,
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3:23 - 3:25every time I wanted to try something new,
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3:25 - 3:26even at work --
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3:26 - 3:28I wanted to make a proposal,
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3:28 - 3:31I wanted to speak up
in front of people in a group -- -
3:31 - 3:33I felt there was this constant battle
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3:33 - 3:36between the 14-year-old
and the six-year-old. -
3:36 - 3:38One wanted to conquer the world --
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3:38 - 3:39make a difference --
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3:39 - 3:41another was afraid of rejection.
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3:42 - 3:44And every time that six-year-old won.
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3:46 - 3:50And this fear even persisted
after I started my own company. -
3:50 - 3:53I mean, I started
my own company when I was 30 -- -
3:53 - 3:54if you want to be Bill Gates,
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3:54 - 3:56you've got to start
sooner or later, right? -
3:57 - 4:00When I was an entrepreneur,
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4:00 - 4:03I was presented
with an investment opportunity, -
4:03 - 4:04and then I was turned down.
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4:05 - 4:07And that rejection hurt me.
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4:07 - 4:10It hurt me so bad
that I wanted to quit right there. -
4:11 - 4:12But then I thought,
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4:13 - 4:16hey, would Bill Gates quit
after a simple investment rejection? -
4:17 - 4:20Would any successful
entrepreneur quit like that? -
4:20 - 4:21No way.
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4:21 - 4:23And this is where it clicked for me.
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4:23 - 4:25OK, I can build a better company.
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4:25 - 4:27I can build a better
team or better product, -
4:27 - 4:29but one thing for sure:
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4:29 - 4:31I've got to be a better leader.
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4:31 - 4:32I've got to be a better person.
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4:33 - 4:36I cannot let that six-year-old
keep dictating my life anymore. -
4:36 - 4:38I have to put him back in his place.
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4:39 - 4:41So this is where I went online
and looked for help. -
4:41 - 4:43Google was my friend.
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4:43 - 4:44(Laughter)
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4:44 - 4:46I searched, "How do I overcome
the fear of rejection?" -
4:47 - 4:50I came up with a bunch
of psychology articles -
4:50 - 4:53about where the fear
and pain are coming from. -
4:53 - 4:56Then I came up with a bunch
of "rah-rah" inspirational articles -
4:56 - 4:58about "Don't take it personally,
just overcome it." -
4:59 - 5:01Who doesn't know that?
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5:01 - 5:02(Laughter)
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5:02 - 5:05But why was I still so scared?
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5:05 - 5:07Then I found this website by luck.
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5:07 - 5:09It's called rejectiontherapy.com.
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5:09 - 5:12(Laughter)
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5:12 - 5:16"Rejection Therapy" was this game
invented by this Canadian entrepreneur. -
5:16 - 5:17His name is Jason Comely.
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5:17 - 5:22And basically the idea is for 30 days
you go out and look for rejection, -
5:22 - 5:25and every day get rejected at something,
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5:25 - 5:28and then by the end,
you desensitize yourself from the pain. -
5:29 - 5:31And I loved that idea.
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5:31 - 5:32(Laughter)
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5:32 - 5:35I said, "You know what?
I'm going to do this. -
5:35 - 5:38And I'll feel myself
getting rejected 100 days." -
5:38 - 5:40And I came up with my own rejection ideas,
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5:40 - 5:43and I made a video blog out of it.
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5:44 - 5:46And so here's what I did.
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5:46 - 5:48This is what the blog looked like.
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5:48 - 5:49Day One ...
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5:50 - 5:51(Laughter)
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5:51 - 5:55Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger.
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5:56 - 5:58So this is where I went
to where I was working. -
5:58 - 6:00I came downstairs
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6:00 - 6:02and I saw this big guy
sitting behind a desk. -
6:02 - 6:04He looked like a security guard.
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6:04 - 6:06So I just approached him.
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6:06 - 6:08And I was just walking
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6:08 - 6:10and that was the longest
walk of my life -- -
6:10 - 6:12hair on the back
of my neck standing up, -
6:12 - 6:15I was sweating and my heart was pounding.
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6:15 - 6:16And I got there and said,
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6:16 - 6:18"Hey, sir, can I borrow
100 dollars from you?" -
6:18 - 6:20(Laughter)
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6:20 - 6:22And he looked up, he's like, "No."
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6:23 - 6:24"Why?"
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6:24 - 6:26And I just said, "No? I'm sorry."
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6:27 - 6:28Then I turned around,
and I just ran. -
6:28 - 6:30(Laughter)
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6:31 - 6:33I felt so embarrassed.
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6:33 - 6:34But because I filmed myself --
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6:34 - 6:37so that night I was watching
myself getting rejected, -
6:37 - 6:39I just saw how scared I was.
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6:39 - 6:42I looked like this kid
in "The Sixth Sense." -
6:42 - 6:43I saw dead people.
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6:43 - 6:45(Laughter)
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6:45 - 6:47But then I saw this guy.
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6:47 - 6:48You know, he wasn't that menacing.
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6:49 - 6:51He was a chubby, loveable guy,
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6:51 - 6:54and he even asked me, "Why?"
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6:54 - 6:57In fact, he invited me to explain myself.
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6:57 - 6:58And I could've said many things.
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6:58 - 7:01I could've explained,
I could've negotiated. -
7:01 - 7:02I didn't do any of that.
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7:03 - 7:04All I did was run.
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7:05 - 7:08I felt, wow, this is like
the microcosm of my life. -
7:09 - 7:11Every time I felt the slightest rejection,
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7:11 - 7:14I would just run as fast as I could.
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7:14 - 7:15And you know what?
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7:15 - 7:17The next day, no matter what happens,
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7:17 - 7:18I'm not going to run.
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7:18 - 7:19I'll stay engaged.
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7:20 - 7:22Day Two: Request a "burger refill."
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7:22 - 7:24(Laughter)
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7:24 - 7:26It's when I went to a burger joint,
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7:26 - 7:29I finished lunch,
and I went to the cashier and said, -
7:29 - 7:31"Hi, can I get a burger refill?"
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7:31 - 7:33(Laughter)
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7:33 - 7:35He was all confused,
like, "What's a burger refill?" -
7:35 - 7:37(Laughter)
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7:37 - 7:40I said, "Well, it's just like
a drink refill but with a burger." -
7:40 - 7:43And he said, "Sorry,
we don't do burger refill, man." -
7:43 - 7:44(Laughter)
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7:44 - 7:48So this is where rejection happened
and I could have run, but I stayed. -
7:48 - 7:50I said, "Well, I love your burgers,
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7:50 - 7:52I love your joint,
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7:52 - 7:54and if you guys do a burger refill,
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7:54 - 7:55I will love you guys more."
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7:55 - 7:57(Laughter)
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7:57 - 7:59And he said, "Well, OK,
I'll tell my manager about it, -
7:59 - 8:02and maybe we'll do it,
but sorry, we can't do this today." -
8:02 - 8:04Then I left.
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8:04 - 8:05And by the way,
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8:06 - 8:08I don't think they've
ever done burger refill. -
8:08 - 8:09(Laughter)
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8:09 - 8:11I think they're still there.
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8:11 - 8:14But the life and death feeling
I was feeling the first time -
8:14 - 8:16was no longer there,
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8:16 - 8:18just because I stayed engaged --
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8:18 - 8:19because I didn't run.
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8:19 - 8:22I said, "Wow, great,
I'm already learning things. -
8:23 - 8:24Great."
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8:24 - 8:26And then Day Three:
Getting Olympic Doughnuts. -
8:27 - 8:29This is where my life
was turned upside down. -
8:30 - 8:32I went to a Krispy Kreme.
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8:32 - 8:33It's a doughnut shop
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8:33 - 8:36in mainly the Southeastern part
of the United States. -
8:36 - 8:37I'm sure they have some here, too.
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8:38 - 8:39And I went in,
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8:39 - 8:42I said, "Can you make me doughnuts
that look like Olympic symbols? -
8:42 - 8:45Basically, you interlink
five doughnuts together ... " -
8:45 - 8:47I mean there's no way
they could say yes, right? -
8:48 - 8:50The doughnut maker took me so seriously.
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8:50 - 8:51(Laughter)
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8:51 - 8:52So she put out paper,
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8:53 - 8:55started jotting down
the colors and the rings, -
8:55 - 8:57and is like, "How can I make this?"
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8:57 - 8:59And then 15 minutes later,
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8:59 - 9:02she came out with a box
that looked like Olympic rings. -
9:02 - 9:04And I was so touched.
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9:04 - 9:06I just couldn't believe it.
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9:06 - 9:10And that video got
over five million views on Youtube. -
9:10 - 9:13The world couldn't believe that either.
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9:13 - 9:14(Laughter)
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9:15 - 9:19You know, because of that
I was in newspapers, -
9:19 - 9:20in talk shows, in everything.
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9:20 - 9:22And I became famous.
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9:22 - 9:24A lot of people
started writing emails to me -
9:24 - 9:26and saying, "What you're
doing is awesome." -
9:26 - 9:30But you know, fame and notoriety
did not do anything to me. -
9:30 - 9:32What I really wanted to do was learn,
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9:32 - 9:33and to change myself,
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9:33 - 9:36so I turned the rest
of my 100 days of rejection -
9:36 - 9:38into this playground --
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9:38 - 9:40into this research project.
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9:40 - 9:42I wanted to see what I could learn.
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9:42 - 9:44And then I learned a lot of things.
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9:44 - 9:46I discovered so many secrets.
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9:46 - 9:49For example, I found if I just don't run,
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9:49 - 9:50if I got rejected,
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9:50 - 9:52I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes,"
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9:52 - 9:54and the magic word is, "why."
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9:54 - 9:58So one day I went to a stranger's house,
I had this flower in my hand, -
9:58 - 9:59knocked on the door and said,
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9:59 - 10:01"Hey, can I plant this flower
in your backyard?" -
10:01 - 10:03(Laughter)
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10:03 - 10:05And he said, "No."
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10:06 - 10:07But before he could leave I said,
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10:07 - 10:09"Hey, can I know why?"
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10:09 - 10:12And he said, "Well, I have this dog
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10:12 - 10:15that would dig up
anything I put in the backyard. -
10:15 - 10:16I don't want to waste your flower.
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10:16 - 10:20If you want to do this,
go across the street and talk to Connie. -
10:20 - 10:21She loves flowers."
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10:21 - 10:22So that's what I did.
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10:22 - 10:24I went across and knocked
on Connie's door. -
10:24 - 10:26And she was so happy to see me.
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10:26 - 10:28(Laughter)
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10:28 - 10:29And then half an hour later,
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10:29 - 10:31there was this flower
in Connie's backyard. -
10:31 - 10:33I'm sure it looks better now.
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10:33 - 10:34(Laughter)
-
10:34 - 10:37But had I left
after the initial rejection, -
10:37 - 10:38I would've thought,
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10:38 - 10:40well, it's because
the guy didn't trust me, -
10:40 - 10:42it's because I was crazy,
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10:42 - 10:44because I didn't dress up well,
I didn't look good. -
10:44 - 10:45It was none of those.
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10:45 - 10:48It was because what I offered
did not fit what he wanted. -
10:48 - 10:50And he trusted me enough
to offer me a referral, -
10:50 - 10:52using a sales term.
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10:52 - 10:53I converted a referral.
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10:55 - 10:56Then one day --
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10:56 - 10:59and I also learned that I can
actually say certain things -
10:59 - 11:01and maximize my chance to get a yes.
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11:01 - 11:03So for example,
one day I went to a Starbucks, -
11:03 - 11:06and asked the manager,
"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?" -
11:07 - 11:09He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"
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11:09 - 11:11I said, "Do you know
those Walmart greeters? -
11:11 - 11:14You know, those people who say
'hi' to you before you walk in the store, -
11:14 - 11:17and make sure you
don't steal stuff, basically? -
11:17 - 11:20I want to give a Walmart experience
to Starbucks customers." -
11:20 - 11:21(Laughter)
-
11:21 - 11:24Well, I'm not sure
that's a good thing, actually -- -
11:26 - 11:28Actually, I'm pretty sure
it's a bad thing. -
11:28 - 11:30And he was like, "Oh" --
-
11:30 - 11:32yeah, this is how he looked,
his name is Eric -- -
11:32 - 11:34and he was like, "I'm not sure."
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11:34 - 11:36This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure."
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11:36 - 11:38Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"
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11:38 - 11:40He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."
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11:41 - 11:44But as soon as he said that,
his whole demeanor changed. -
11:44 - 11:47It's as if he's putting
all the doubt on the floor. -
11:47 - 11:48And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,
-
11:48 - 11:50just don't get too weird."
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11:50 - 11:51(Laughter)
-
11:51 - 11:53So for the next hour
I was the Starbucks greeter. -
11:54 - 11:56I said "hi" to every customer
that walked in, -
11:56 - 11:58and gave them holiday cheers.
-
11:58 - 12:01By the way, I don't know
what your career trajectory is, -
12:01 - 12:02don't be a greeter.
-
12:02 - 12:03(Laughter)
-
12:03 - 12:04It was really boring.
-
12:05 - 12:10But then I found I could do this
because I mentioned, "Is that weird?" -
12:10 - 12:12I mentioned the doubt that he was having.
-
12:12 - 12:16And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?",
that means I wasn't weird. -
12:16 - 12:18That means I was actually
thinking just like him, -
12:18 - 12:21seeing this as a weird thing.
-
12:21 - 12:22And again, and again,
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12:22 - 12:25I learned that if I mention
some doubt people might have -
12:25 - 12:27before I ask the question,
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12:27 - 12:28I gained their trust.
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12:28 - 12:30People were more likely to say yes to me.
-
12:31 - 12:34And then I learned
I could fulfill my life dream ... -
12:34 - 12:36by asking.
-
12:36 - 12:39You know, I came
from four generations of teachers, -
12:39 - 12:42and my grandma has always told me,
-
12:42 - 12:44"Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,
-
12:44 - 12:46but it'd be great
if you became a teacher." -
12:46 - 12:47(Laughter)
-
12:47 - 12:50But I wanted to be
an entrepreneur, so I didn't. -
12:50 - 12:53But it has always been my dream
to actually teach something. -
12:53 - 12:55So I said, "What if I just ask
-
12:55 - 12:58and teach a college class?"
-
12:58 - 12:59I lived in Austin at the time,
-
12:59 - 13:01so I went to University
of Texas at Austin, -
13:01 - 13:04and knocked on professors' doors
and said, "Can I teach your class?" -
13:04 - 13:07I didn't get anywhere
the first couple of times. -
13:07 - 13:09But because I didn't run --
I kept doing it -- -
13:09 - 13:13and on the third try
the professor was very impressed. -
13:13 - 13:15He was like, "No one
has done this before." -
13:15 - 13:19And I came in prepared
with powerpoints and my lesson. -
13:19 - 13:21He said, "Wow, I can use this.
-
13:21 - 13:24Why don't you come back in two months?
I'll fit you in my curriculum." -
13:24 - 13:26And two months later
I was teaching a class. -
13:26 - 13:30This is me -- you probably can't see,
this is a bad picture. -
13:30 - 13:32You know, sometimes you get
rejected by lighting, you know? -
13:33 - 13:34(Laughter)
-
13:35 - 13:36But wow --
-
13:36 - 13:39when I finished teaching that class,
I walked out crying, -
13:39 - 13:40because I thought
-
13:40 - 13:44I could fulfill my life dream
just by simply asking. -
13:44 - 13:46I used to think I have to accomplish
all these things -- -
13:46 - 13:50have to be a great entrepreneur,
or get a PhD to teach -- -
13:50 - 13:52but no, I just asked,
-
13:52 - 13:53and I could teach.
-
13:53 - 13:56And in that picture --
which you can't see -- -
13:56 - 13:59I quoted Martin Luther King Jr.
-
13:59 - 14:04Why? Because in my research I found
that people who really change the world, -
14:04 - 14:07who change the way we live
and the way we think, -
14:07 - 14:11are the people who were met
with initial and often violent rejections. -
14:11 - 14:13People like Martin Luther King Jr.,
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14:13 - 14:15like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela,
-
14:15 - 14:16or even Jesus Christ.
-
14:16 - 14:20These people did not
let rejection define them. -
14:20 - 14:24They let their own reaction
after rejection define themselves. -
14:25 - 14:26And they embraced rejection.
-
14:27 - 14:31And we don't have to be those people
to learn about rejection, -
14:31 - 14:32but in my case,
-
14:32 - 14:34rejection was my curse --
-
14:34 - 14:35was my boogeyman.
-
14:35 - 14:39It has bothered me my whole life
because I was running away from it. -
14:39 - 14:41Then I started embracing it.
-
14:42 - 14:45I turned that into
the biggest gift in my life. -
14:45 - 14:50I started teaching people
how to turn rejections into opportunities. -
14:50 - 14:52I use my blog, I use my talk,
-
14:52 - 14:54I use the book I just published,
-
14:54 - 14:58and I'm even using technology to help
people overcome their fear of rejection. -
15:00 - 15:02When you get rejected in life,
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15:02 - 15:04when you are facing the next obstacle,
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15:04 - 15:06or next failure,
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15:06 - 15:08consider the possibilities.
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15:08 - 15:09Don't run.
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15:09 - 15:11If you just embrace them,
-
15:11 - 15:13they might become your gifts as well.
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15:13 - 15:14Thank you.
-
15:14 - 15:16(Applause)
- Title:
- What I learned from 100 days of rejection
- Speaker:
- Jia Jiang
- Description:
-
Jia Jang adventures boldly into a territory so many of us fear: rejection. By seeking out rejection for 100 days -- from asking a stranger to borrow $100 to requesting a "burger refill" at a restaurant -- Jiang desensitized himself to the pain and shame that rejection often brings and, in the process, discovered that simply asking for what you want can open up possibilities where you expect to find dead ends.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:31
Yasushi Aoki commented on English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for What I learned from 100 days of rejection |
Yasushi Aoki
she came out with a box
that looked like Olympic rings.
=>
she came out with a box [of doughnuts]
that looked like Olympic rings.
See https://youtu.be/7Ax2CsVbrX0?t=206