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What I learned from 100 days of rejection

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    When I was six years old,
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    I received my gifts.
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    My first grade teacher
    had this brilliant idea.
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    She wanted us to experience
    receiving gifts,
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    but also learning the virtue
    of complimenting each other.
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    So she had all of us come
    to the front of the classroom,
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    and she bought all of us gifts,
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    and stacked them in the corner.
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    And she said,
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    "Why don't we just stand here
    and compliment each other?
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    If you hear your name called,
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    go and pick up your gift and sit down."
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    What a wonderful idea, right?
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    What could go wrong?
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    (Laughter)
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    Well, there were 40 of us to start with,
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    and every time I heard
    someone's name called,
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    I would give out the heartiest cheer.
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    And then there were 20 people left,
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    and 10 people left,
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    and five left ...
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    and three left.
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    And I was one of them.
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    And the compliments stopped.
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    Well, at that moment, I was crying.
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    And the teacher was freaking out.
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    She was like, "Hey, would anyone say
    anything nice about these people?"
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    (Laughter)
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    "No one?
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    OK, why don't you go
    get your gift and sit down.
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    So behave next year --
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    someone might say
    something nice about you."
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    (Laughter)
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    Well, as I'm describing this you,
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    you probably know
    I remember this really well.
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    (Laughter)
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    But I don't know who felt worse that day.
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    Was it me, or the teacher?
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    She must have realized
    that she turned a team-leading event
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    into a public [roast]
    for three six-year-olds.
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    And without the humor.
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    You know, when you see people
    get [roasted] on TV,
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    it was funny.
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    There was nothing funny about that day.
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    So that was one version of me,
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    and I would die to avoid
    being in that situation again --
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    to get rejected in public again.
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    That's one version.
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    Then fast-forward eight years.
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    Bill Gates came to my hometown --
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    Beijing, China --
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    to speak,
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    and I saw his message.
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    I fell in love with that guy.
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    I thought, wow, I know
    what I want to do now.
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    That night I wrote a letter to my family
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    telling them by age 25,
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    I will build the biggest
    company in the world,
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    and that company will buy Microsoft.
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    (Laugther)
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    I totally embraced this idea
    of conquering the world --
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    domination, right?
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    And I didn't make this up,
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    I did write that letter.
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    And hear it is --
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    (Laughter)
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    You don't have to read this through --
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    (Laughter)
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    This is also bad handwriting,
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    but I did highlight some key words.
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    You get the idea.
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    (Laughter)
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    So, that was another version of me:
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    one who will conquer the world.
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    Well, then two years later,
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    I was presented with the opportunity
    to come to the United States.
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    I jumped on it,
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    because that was where
    Bill Gates lived, right?
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    (Laughter)
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    I thought that was the start
    of my entrepreneur journey.
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    Then, fast-forward another 14 years.
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    I was 30.
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    Nope, I didn't build that company.
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    I didn't even start.
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    I was actually a marketing manager
    for a Fortune 500 company.
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    And I felt I was stuck;
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    I was stagnant.
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    Why is that?
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    Where is that 14-year-old
    who wrote that letter?
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    It's not because he didn't try.
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    It's because every time I had a new idea,
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    every time I wanted to try something new,
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    even at work --
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    I wanted to make a proposal,
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    I wanted to speak up
    in front of people in a group --
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    I felt there was this constant battle
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    between the 14-year-old
    and the six-year-old.
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    One wanted to conquer the world --
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    make a difference --
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    another was afraid of rejection.
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    And every time that six-year-old won.
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    And this fear even persisted
    after I started my own company.
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    I mean, I started my own
    company when I was 30 --
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    if you want to be Bill Gates,
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    you've got to start
    sooner or later, right?
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    (Laughter)
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    When I was an entrepreneur,
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    I was presented with
    an investment opportunity,
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    and then I was turned down.
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    And that rejection hurt me.
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    It hurt me so bad that I wanted
    to quit right there.
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    But then I thought,
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    hey, would Bill Gates quit
    after a simple investment rejection?
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    Would any successful
    entrepreneur quit like that?
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    No way.
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    And this is where it clicked for me.
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    OK, I can build a better company.
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    I can build a better
    team or better product,
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    but one thing for sure:
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    I've got to be a better leader.
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    I've got to be a better person.
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    I cannot let that six-year-old
    keep dictating my life anymore.
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    I have to put him back to his place.
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    So this is where I went online
    and looked for help.
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    Google was my friend.
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    (Laughter)
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    I searched, "How do I overcome
    the fear of rejection?"
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    I came up with a bunch
    of psychology articles
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    about where the fear
    and pain are coming from.
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    Then I came up with a bunch of "Ra-ra"
    inspirational articles
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    about "Don't take it personally,
    just overcome it."
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    Who doesn't know that?
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    (Laughter)
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    But why was I still so scared?
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    Then I found this website by luck.
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    It's called rejectiontherapy.com.
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    (Laughter)
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    Rejection Therapy was this game
    invented by this Canadian entrepreneur.
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    His name is Jason Comely.
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    And basically the idea is for 30 days
    you go out and look for rejection,
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    and every day get rejected at something,
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    and then by the end,
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    you desensitize yourself from the pain.
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    And I loved that idea.
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    (Laughter)
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    I said, "You know what?
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    I'm going to do this.
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    And I'll feel myself
    getting rejected 100 days."
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    And I came up with my own rejection ideas,
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    and I will make a video blog out of it.
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    And so here's what I did.
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    This is what the blog looked like.
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    Day One ...
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    (Laughter)
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    Borrow $100 from a Stanger.
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    So this is where I went
    to where I was working.
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    I came downstairs
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    and I saw this big guy
    sitting behind a desk,
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    he looked like a security guard.
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    So I just approach him.
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    And I was just walking in --
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    that was the longest walk of my life --
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    just hair on the back
    of my neck standing up,
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    I was sweating and my heart was pounding,
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    and I got there and said,
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    "Hey, sir, can I borrow $100 from you?"
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    (Laughter)
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    And he looked up,
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    he's like, "No."
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    (Laughter)
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    "Why?"
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    And I just said, "No?
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    I'm sorry."
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    Then I turned around and I just ran.
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    (Laughter)
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    I felt so embarrassed.
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    But because I filmed myself --
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    so that night I was watching
    myself getting rejected,
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    I just saw how scared I was.
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    I looked like this kid
    in "The Sixth Sense."
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    I saw dead people.
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    (Laughter)
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    But then I saw this guy.
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    You know, he wasn't that menacing.
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    He was a chubby, loveable guy,
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    and he even asked me, "Why?"
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    In fact he invited me to explain myself.
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    I could've said many things.
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    I could've explained,
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    I could've negotiated.
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    I didn't do any of that.
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    All I did was run.
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    I felt, wow, this is like
    the microcosm of my life."
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    Every time I felt the slightest rejection,
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    I would just run as fast as I could.
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    And you know what?
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    The next day,
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    no matter what happens,
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    I'm not going to run.
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    I'll stay engaged.
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    Day Two: Request a "Burger Refill."
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    (Laughter)
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    It's when I went to burger joint,
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    I finished lunch,
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    and I went to the cashier and said,
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    "Hi, can I get a burger refill?"
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    (Laughter)
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    And he was all confused,
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    like, "What's a burger refill?"
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    (Laughter)
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    I said, "Well, it's just like a drink
    refill but with a burger."
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    (Laughter)
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    And he said, "Sorry, we don't
    do burger refill, man."
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    (Laughter)
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    So this is where rejection happened
    and I could have run,
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    but I stayed.
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    I said, "Well, I love your burgers,
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    I love your joint,
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    and if you guys do a burger refill,
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    I will love you guys more."
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    (Laughter)
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    And he said, "Well, ok, I'll tell
    my manager about it,
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    and maybe we'll do it,
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    but sorry we can't do this today."
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    Then I left.
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    And by the way,
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    I don't think they've
    ever done burger refill.
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    (Laughter)
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    I think they're still there.
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    But, the life and death feeling
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    I was feeling the first time
    was no longer there,
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    just because I stayed engaged --
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    because I didn't run.
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    I said, "Wow, great,
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    I'm already learning things.
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    Great."
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    And then Day Three:
    Getting Olympic Doughnuts.
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    This is where my life
    was turned upside down.
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    I went to a Krispy Kreme.
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    It's a doughnut shop in mainly the
    Southeastern part of the United States.
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    I'm sure they have some here, too.
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    And I went in,
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    I said, "Can you make me doughnuts
    that look like Olympic symbols?
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    Basically, you interlink
    five doughnuts together ... "
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    (Laughter)
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    I mean there's no way
    they could say yes, right?
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    The doughnut maker took me so seriously.
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    (Laughter)
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    So she put out paper,
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    started jotting down
    the colors and the rings,
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    and is like, "How can I make this?"
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    And then 15 minutes later,
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    she came out with a box
    that looked like Olympic rings.
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    (Laughter)
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    And I was so touched.
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    I just couldn't believe it.
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    And that video got over five
    million views on Youtube.
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    The world couldn't believe that either.
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    (Laughter)
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    And because of that I was in newspapers,
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    in talk shows,
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    in everything.
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    And I became famous.
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    A lot of people started
    writing emails to me,
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    and saying, "What you're
    doing is awesome."
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    But you know, fame and notoriety
    did not do anything to me.
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    What I really wanted to do was learn,
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    and to change myself,
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    so I turned the rest
    of my 100 days of rejection
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    into this playground --
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    into this research project.
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    I wanted to see what I could learn.
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    And then I learned a lot of things.
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    I discovered so many secrets.
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    For example,
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    I found if I just don't run,
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    if I got rejected,
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    I could actually turn a no into a yes,
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    and the magic word is, "why."
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    So one day I went to a stranger's house,
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    I had this flower in my hand,
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    and I said --
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    knock on the door and said, "Hey,
    can I plant this flower in your backyard?"
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    (Laughther)
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    And he said, "No."
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    But before he could leave I said,
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    "Hey, can I know why?"
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    And he said, "Well, I have this dog
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    that would dig up anything
    I put in the backyard.
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    I don't want to waste your flower.
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    If you want to do this,
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    go across the street and talk to Connie.
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    She loves flowers."
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    (Laughter)
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    So that's what I did.
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    I went across and knocked
    on Connie's door.
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    And she was so happy to see me.
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    (Laughter)
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    And then half an hour later,
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    there was this flower
    in Connie's backyard.
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    I'm sure it looks better now.
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    (Laughter)
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    But had I left after
    the initial rejection,
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    I would've thought,
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    well it's because the guy didn't trust me,
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    it's because I was crazy,
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    because I didn't dress up well --
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    I didn't look good.
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    It was none of those.
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    It was because what I offered
    did not fit what he wanted.
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    And he trusted me enough
    to offer me a referral --
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    using a sales term --
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    (Laughter)
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    I converted a referral.
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    Then one day --
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    and I also learned that I can
    actually say certain things
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    and maximize my chance to get a yes.
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    So for example,
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    one day I went to a Starbucks,
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    and asked the manager,
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    "Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?"
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    He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"
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    (Laughter)
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    I said, "Do you know
    those Walmart greeters?
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    You know those people who say
    "hi" to you before you walk in the store,
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    and make sure you
    don't steal stuff, basically?
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    I want to give a Walmart experience
    to Starbucks customers."
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    (Laughter)
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    Well, I'm not sure
    that's a good thing, actually --
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    (Laughter)
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    Actually, I'm pretty sure
    it's a bad thing.
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    (Laughter)
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    And he was like, "Oh" --
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    yeah, this is how he looked,
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    his name is Eric --
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    and he was like, "I'm not sure."
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    This is how he was hearing me.
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    "Not sure."
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    Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"
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    He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."
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    (Laughter)
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    But as soon as he said that his
    whole demeanor changed.
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    It's as if he's putting
    all the doubt on the floor.
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    And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,
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    just don't get too weird."
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    (Laughter)
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    So for the next hour
    I was the Starbucks greeter.
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    I said "hi" to every
    customer that walked in,
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    and gave them holiday cheers.
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    By the way,
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    I don't know what
    your career trajectory is,
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    don't be a greeter.
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    (Laughter)
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    It was really boring.
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    But then I found I could do this
    because I mentioned,
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    "Is that weird?"
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    I mentioned the doubt that he was having.
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    And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?"
    that means I wasn't weird.
  • 12:16 - 12:19
    That means I was actually
    thinking just like him,
  • 12:19 - 12:21
    seeing this as a weird thing.
  • 12:21 - 12:22
    And again, and again,
  • 12:22 - 12:26
    I learned that if I mention
    some doubt people might have
  • 12:26 - 12:27
    before I ask the question,
  • 12:27 - 12:29
    I gained their trust.
  • 12:29 - 12:31
    People were more likely to say yes to me.
  • 12:31 - 12:34
    And then I learned I could
    fulfill my life dream ...
  • 12:34 - 12:36
    by asking.
  • 12:36 - 12:39
    I came from four generations of teachers,
  • 12:39 - 12:42
    and my grandma has always told me,
  • 12:42 - 12:44
    "Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,
  • 12:44 - 12:46
    but you'd be great if you
    become a teacher."
  • 12:46 - 12:47
    (Laughter)
  • 12:48 - 12:49
    But I wanted to be an entrepreneur,
  • 12:49 - 12:50
    so I didn't.
  • 12:50 - 12:53
    But it has always been my dream
    to actually teach something.
  • 12:53 - 12:55
    So I said, "What if I just ask,
  • 12:55 - 12:57
    and teach a college class?"
  • 12:58 - 12:59
    I lived in Austin at the time,
  • 12:59 - 13:01
    so I went to University
    of Texas in Austin,
  • 13:01 - 13:03
    and knocked on professor's doors
  • 13:03 - 13:04
    and said, "Can I teach your class?"
  • 13:04 - 13:07
    Well, I didn't get anywhere
    the first couple times.
  • 13:07 - 13:08
    But because I didn't run --
  • 13:08 - 13:10
    I kept doing it --
  • 13:10 - 13:11
    and on the third try,
  • 13:11 - 13:13
    the professor was very impressed.
  • 13:13 - 13:15
    He was like, "No one
    has done this before."
  • 13:15 - 13:19
    And I came in prepared
    with powerpoints and my lesson.
  • 13:19 - 13:21
    He said, "Wow, I can use this.
  • 13:21 - 13:23
    Why don't you come back in two months,
  • 13:23 - 13:25
    I'll fit you in my curriculum."
  • 13:25 - 13:27
    And two months later
    I was teaching a class.
  • 13:27 - 13:28
    This is me --
  • 13:28 - 13:29
    you probably can't see,
  • 13:29 - 13:30
    this is a bad picture.
  • 13:30 - 13:33
    You know sometimes you get
    rejected by lighting, you know?
  • 13:33 - 13:34
    (Laughter)
  • 13:35 - 13:36
    But wow --
  • 13:36 - 13:38
    when I finished teaching that class,
  • 13:38 - 13:39
    I walked out crying,
  • 13:39 - 13:40
    because --
  • 13:40 - 13:41
    I thought --
  • 13:41 - 13:44
    I could just fulfill my life dream
    just by simply asking.
  • 13:44 - 13:47
    I used to think I have to accomplish
    all these things --
  • 13:47 - 13:48
    have to be a great entrepreneur,
  • 13:48 - 13:50
    or get a PhD to teach --
  • 13:50 - 13:52
    but no, I just asked,
  • 13:52 - 13:54
    and I could teach.
  • 13:54 - 13:55
    And in that picture --
  • 13:55 - 13:56
    which you can't see --
  • 13:56 - 13:59
    I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • 13:59 - 14:00
    Why?
  • 14:00 - 14:04
    Because in my research I found
    that people who really change the world,
  • 14:04 - 14:07
    who change the way we live
    and the way we think,
  • 14:07 - 14:11
    are the people who were met
    with initial and often violent rejections.
  • 14:11 - 14:13
    People like Martin Luther King, Jr.,
  • 14:13 - 14:14
    like Mahatma Ghandi,
  • 14:14 - 14:15
    Nelson Mandela,
  • 14:15 - 14:17
    or even Jesus Christ.
  • 14:17 - 14:20
    These people did not
    let rejection define them.
  • 14:20 - 14:25
    They let their own reaction
    after rejection define themselves.
  • 14:25 - 14:28
    And they embraced rejection.
  • 14:28 - 14:31
    And we don't have to be those people
    to learn about rejection,
  • 14:31 - 14:32
    but in my case,
  • 14:32 - 14:34
    rejection was my curse --
  • 14:34 - 14:36
    was my boogeyman.
  • 14:36 - 14:39
    It has bothered me my whole life
    because I was running away from it.
  • 14:40 - 14:42
    Then I started embracing it.
  • 14:42 - 14:45
    It turned out into the biggest
    gift in my life.
  • 14:46 - 14:50
    I started teaching people how
    to turn rejections into opportunities.
  • 14:50 - 14:51
    I use my blog,
  • 14:51 - 14:52
    I use my talk,
  • 14:52 - 14:54
    I use the book I just published,
  • 14:54 - 14:59
    and I'm even using technology to help
    people overcome their fear of rejection.
  • 15:00 - 15:02
    When you get rejected in life,
  • 15:02 - 15:05
    when you are facing the next obstacle,
  • 15:05 - 15:07
    or next failure,
  • 15:07 - 15:08
    consider the possiblities.
  • 15:08 - 15:09
    Don't run.
  • 15:09 - 15:11
    If you just embrace them,
  • 15:11 - 15:13
    they might become your gifts as well.
  • 15:13 - 15:14
    Thank you.
  • 15:14 - 15:16
    (Applause)
Title:
What I learned from 100 days of rejection
Speaker:
Jia Jiang
Description:

more » « less
Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
15:31
  • she came out with a box
    that looked like Olympic rings.
    =>
    she came out with a box [of doughnuts]
    that looked like Olympic rings.

    See https://youtu.be/7Ax2CsVbrX0?t=206

English subtitles

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