What if we begin to hate someone we love?

Thay answers questions on 21 June 2014. Question 4

(Half bell)

(Bell)

What should we do if we begin
to hate someone we love?

What should we do if we begin
to hate someone we love?

What should we do when we begin
to hate the person we love?

We have to practice mindfulness and

to know that love is transforming
itself into something else.

Love is becoming hate.

And if you practice right away,
you have a chance.

You know it is only
beginning to become hate.

So you still have a lot of time in order
to stop that course of transformation.

And you don't want your love
to turn into hate.

There are many things you can do in order
to prevent your love turning into hate.

And Buddha said you have to
learn how to feed your love,

how to give it something to eat,

because the Buddha said nothing
can survive without food.

Love needs food in order to survive.

And you can produce a thought
that can feed your love,

the thought of loving kindness,
the thought of compassion and forgiveness.

You can say something in order to
feed your love, something nice,

that helps love to get stronger

or you can do something
in order to help love to grow.

We act with our mind, thinking;
with our mouth, speaking

and with our body, doing things.

And there are many things
you can think, you can say, you can do

that can help your love to grow.

And if you don't feed your love,
it will die.

It will die certainly.

Love can be very beautiful
in the beginning.

And the lovers have to
learn to feed their love.

And if you know how to
feed your love like that,

love will never degenerate into hate.

So maybe that is good enough,

not allowing your love
to degenerate into hate.

And how to do that?

Learn to feed your love better.

And you know,

when you are a really good practitioner,
you can even turn hate back into love.

With a lot of concentration,
mindfulness and insight,

you can very well
turn hate back into love.

Because both love and hate
are organic things.

And this is possible,
even after only 3, 4 days of practice.

Because in the retreats we offer
everywhere in the world.

Many couples suffer of losing love,

including father and son, mother
and daughter, partner and partner.

They cannot look at each other anymore.

They cannot communicate
with each other anymore.

It is not pleasant for them
to look at each other anymore.

It is not possible for them to say
something nice to the other person.

And yet when they come to a retreat,

they practice breathing, walking
to calm down their suffering.

They practice looking into
their own suffering,

and the suffering of the other person.

They learn how to speak kindly
and listen deeply.

And on the fifth day,
they can restore communication,

they can say something nice to each other.

They can listen to the other person
with compassion.

And they transform and
they turn hate back into love.

The miracle of transformation
always happens in our retreats.

And even if one of the two
is not in the retreat.

Because after five days of practice,
you can use your portable telephone

to practice loving speech, deep listening
and reconcile with the person at home.

That miracle happens in every retreat.

Thay remembers that retreat
in Oldenburg, northern Germany.

Thay said,
"Ladies and gentlemen,"

"this is the fifth day of our retreat and
you have learned many things."

"Now you have to put them into practice in
order to reconcile with the other person."

"If the other person is
in the retreat, that is easier,"

"because he or she has been exposed to
the teaching and they have practiced."

"But if the other person is not there,
you can use your telephone"

"and practice compassionate listening
and loving speech."

You say:

"Father" or "Mother" or "Darling"

"I know that in the past many years
you have suffered so much."

"I was not able to
help you to suffer less.

"In fact, I have made the situation
more difficult for you."

"I have reacted in such a way that
makes you suffer more. I am sorry."

"It is not my intention
to make you suffer, darling."

"It is because I did not understand you."

"I did not see the suffering
and the difficulties in you."

"It is not my intention
to make you suffer."

"So I don't want to make you suffer
and I need you to help me."

"You should help me to understand
your suffering, your difficulties"

"so that I will not react like
the way I did in the past."

"Please tell me your suffering,
your difficulties."

"Please tell me what is in your heart."

"I really want to know."

"And if you don't help me,
who will help me? So, please ..."

And if you say something like that,
that is called loving speech.

And you open the heart of
the other person.

And he will tell you, the suffering,
the difficulties in his heart.

And you can practice like a Bodhisattva

and listen very carefully
with all your compassion.

Even if the other person says something
wrong, you don't interrupt him or her.

If you do, then you turn the session of
listening into a debate. That is not good.

You tell yourself:

"I am practicing as the Bodhisattva,
of compassionate listening."

"My purpose is to listen in such a way
that he can suffer less."

"Therefore, I will not interrupt him."

"If he says something incorrect,
I wait until a few days later."

"And I will try to offer him
some information"

"so that he can correct his perception,
but not now."

And that is called
'mindfulness of compassion'.

Mindfulness of compassion,
breathing in and out,

helps you to protect yourself
with compassion.

So that what the other person says
will not spark off

irritation and anger in you.

It is wonderful.

Mindfulness of compassion protects you.

And do not let what the other person said,
spark off the irritation and anger in you.

And you can listen half an hour,
one hour without irritation.

And that helps the other person
suffers less right away.

So that kind of practice of listening
with compassion and using loving speech

can always help restore communication
and bring reconciliation.

So, in that retreat, Thay said:

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have until
midnight tonight in order to do it."

"Use your telephone."

And the next day, four German gentlemen
came up to Thay and reported that,

with their telephone, they had been able
to reconcile with their father

the night before.

And one of them said:
"Dear Thay, it is so wonderful."

"Before the retreat, I did not believe
I could talk to my father that way."

"I was so angry at him."

"I even thought I did not want to have
anything to do with my father."

"And yet, after five days of practice,
last night, breathing in and out"

"to see the suffering in my father,
I called him."

"And suddenly I found myself capable of
speaking kindly to him."

"Daddy, I know you have suffered a lot
during the past many years."

"And I was so stubborn. I reacted in
a way that makes you suffer more."

"I am sorry."

They were able to say things like that.

And the door of the heart of his father
opened.

They talked for an hour or so
and they reconciled.

And he said: "After the retreat I will
go right back to him and visit him."

And we know that there are many others
in the retreat who have done that.

But they have not come up to report.

Thank you for asking the question.

(Half bell)

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