WEBVTT

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(Half bell)

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(Bell)

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What should we do if we begin 
to hate someone we love?

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What should we do if we begin 
to hate someone we love?

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What should we do when we begin 
to hate the person we love?

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We have to practice mindfulness and

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to know that love is transforming 
itself into something else.

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Love is becoming hate.

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And if you practice right away, 
you have a chance.

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You know it is only
beginning to become hate.

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So you still have a lot of time in order
to stop that course of transformation.

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And you don't want your love 
to turn into hate.

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There are many things you can do in order
to prevent your love turning into hate.

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And Buddha said you have to 
learn how to feed your love,

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how to give it something to eat,

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because the Buddha said nothing 
can survive without food.

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Love needs food in order to survive.

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And you can produce a thought 
that can feed your love,

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the thought of loving kindness, 
the thought of compassion and forgiveness.

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You can say something in order to
feed your love, something nice,

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that helps love to get stronger

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or you can do something 
in order to help love to grow.

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We act with our mind, thinking;
with our mouth, speaking

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and with our body, doing things.

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And there are many things 
you can think, you can say, you can do

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that can help your love to grow.

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And if you don't feed your love,
it will die.

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It will die certainly.

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Love can be very beautiful 
in the beginning.

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And the lovers have to 
learn to feed their love.

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And if you know how to
feed your love like that,

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love will never degenerate into hate.

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So maybe that is good enough,

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not allowing your love
to degenerate into hate.

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And how to do that?

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Learn to feed your love better.

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And you know,

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when you are a really good practitioner,
you can even turn hate back into love.

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With a lot of concentration,
mindfulness and insight,

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you can very well 
turn hate back into love.

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Because both love and hate 
are organic things.

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And this is possible,
even after only 3, 4 days of practice.

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Because in the retreats we offer 
everywhere in the world.

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Many couples suffer of losing love,

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including father and son, mother 
and daughter, partner and partner.

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They cannot look at each other anymore.

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They cannot communicate 
with each other anymore.

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It is not pleasant for them 
to look at each other anymore.

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It is not possible for them to say 
something nice to the other person.

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And yet when they come to a retreat,

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they practice breathing, walking 
to calm down their suffering.

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They practice looking into
their own suffering,

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and the suffering of the other person.

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They learn how to speak kindly 
and listen deeply.

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And on the fifth day, 
they can restore communication,

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they can say something nice to each other.

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They can listen to the other person 
with compassion.

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And they transform and 
they turn hate back into love.

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The miracle of transformation 
always happens in our retreats.

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And even if one of the two 
is not in the retreat.

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Because after five days of practice, 
you can use your portable telephone

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to practice loving speech, deep listening
and reconcile with the person at home.

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That miracle happens in every retreat.

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Thay remembers that retreat
in Oldenburg, northern Germany.

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Thay said, 
"Ladies and gentlemen,"

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"this is the fifth day of our retreat and
you have learned many things."

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"Now you have to put them into practice in
order to reconcile with the other person."

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"If the other person is 
in the retreat, that is easier,"

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"because he or she has been exposed to 
the teaching and they have practiced."

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"But if the other person is not there, 
you can use your telephone"

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"and practice compassionate listening
and loving speech."

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You say:

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"Father" or "Mother" or "Darling"

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"I know that in the past many years
you have suffered so much."

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"I was not able to
help you to suffer less.

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"In fact, I have made the situation 
more difficult for you."

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"I have reacted in such a way that 
makes you suffer more. I am sorry."

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"It is not my intention 
to make you suffer, darling."


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"It is because I did not understand you."

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"I did not see the suffering 
and the difficulties in you."

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"It is not my intention 
to make you suffer."

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"So I don't want to make you suffer 
and I need you to help me."

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"You should help me to understand 
your suffering, your difficulties"

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"so that I will not react like
the way I did in the past."

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"Please tell me your suffering,
your difficulties."

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"Please tell me what is in your heart."

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"I really want to know."

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"And if you don't help me,
who will help me? So, please ..."

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And if you say something like that, 
that is called loving speech.

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And you open the heart of 
the other person.

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And he will tell you, the suffering, 
the difficulties in his heart.

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And you can practice like a Bodhisattva

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and listen very carefully 
with all your compassion.

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Even if the other person says something 
wrong, you don't interrupt him or her.

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If you do, then you turn the session of 
listening into a debate. That is not good.

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You tell yourself:

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"I am practicing as the Bodhisattva,
of compassionate listening."

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"My purpose is to listen in such a way
that he can suffer less."

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"Therefore, I will not interrupt him."

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"If he says something incorrect,
I wait until a few days later."

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"And I will try to offer him 
some information"

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"so that he can correct his perception,
but not now."

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And that is called 
'mindfulness of compassion'.

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Mindfulness of compassion, 
breathing in and out,

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helps you to protect yourself 
with compassion.

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So that what the other person says
will not spark off

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irritation and anger in you.

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It is wonderful.

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Mindfulness of compassion protects you.

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And do not let what the other person said,
spark off the irritation and anger in you.

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And you can listen half an hour, 
one hour without irritation.

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And that helps the other person 
suffers less right away.

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So that kind of practice of listening 
with compassion and using loving speech

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can always help restore communication 
and bring reconciliation.

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So, in that retreat, Thay said:

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"Ladies and gentlemen, you have until
midnight tonight in order to do it."

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"Use your telephone."

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And the next day, four German gentlemen 
came up to Thay and reported that,

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with their telephone, they had been able 
to reconcile with their father

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the night before.

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And one of them said: 
"Dear Thay, it is so wonderful."

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"Before the retreat, I did not believe 
I could talk to my father that way."

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"I was so angry at him."

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"I even thought I did not want to have 
anything to do with my father."

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"And yet, after five days of practice,
last night, breathing in and out"

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"to see the suffering in my father,
I called him."

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"And suddenly I found myself capable of 
speaking kindly to him."

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"Daddy, I know you have suffered a lot 
during the past many years."

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"And I was so stubborn. I reacted in
a way that makes you suffer more."

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"I am sorry."

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They were able to say things like that.

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And the door of the heart of his father
opened.

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They talked for an hour or so
and they reconciled.

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And he said: "After the retreat I will
go right back to him and visit him."

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And we know that there are many others
in the retreat who have done that.

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But they have not come up to report.

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Thank you for asking the question.

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(Half bell)

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(Bell)