1
00:00:01,520 --> 00:00:02,430
(Half bell)

2
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:23,218
(Bell)

3
00:00:34,372 --> 00:00:37,626
What should we do if we begin 
to hate someone we love?

4
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:46,732
What should we do if we begin 
to hate someone we love?

5
00:01:04,545 --> 00:01:10,155
What should we do when we begin 
to hate the person we love?

6
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:13,651
We have to practice mindfulness and

7
00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:18,193
to know that love is transforming 
itself into something else.

8
00:01:21,353 --> 00:01:25,160
Love is becoming hate.

9
00:01:28,676 --> 00:01:34,063
And if you practice right away, 
you have a chance.

10
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:40,539
You know it is only
beginning to become hate.

11
00:01:41,653 --> 00:01:46,692
So you still have a lot of time in order
to stop that course of transformation.

12
00:01:56,217 --> 00:02:00,308
And you don't want your love 
to turn into hate.

13
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:06,067
There are many things you can do in order
to prevent your love turning into hate.

14
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:13,072
And Buddha said you have to 
learn how to feed your love,

15
00:02:14,646 --> 00:02:17,189
how to give it something to eat,

16
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,938
because the Buddha said nothing 
can survive without food.

17
00:02:23,675 --> 00:02:26,979
Love needs food in order to survive.

18
00:02:29,928 --> 00:02:37,103
And you can produce a thought 
that can feed your love,

19
00:02:38,274 --> 00:02:42,236
the thought of loving kindness, 
the thought of compassion and forgiveness.

20
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,320
You can say something in order to
feed your love, something nice,

21
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:54,751
that helps love to get stronger

22
00:02:56,590 --> 00:03:01,532
or you can do something 
in order to help love to grow.

23
00:03:03,743 --> 00:03:10,770
We act with our mind, thinking;
with our mouth, speaking

24
00:03:12,349 --> 00:03:14,635
and with our body, doing things.

25
00:03:17,607 --> 00:03:23,237
And there are many things 
you can think, you can say, you can do

26
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,136
that can help your love to grow.

27
00:03:25,422 --> 00:03:30,089
And if you don't feed your love,
it will die.

28
00:03:31,493 --> 00:03:33,295
It will die certainly.

29
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,672
Love can be very beautiful 
in the beginning.

30
00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:46,739
And the lovers have to 
learn to feed their love.

31
00:03:51,005 --> 00:03:54,236
And if you know how to
feed your love like that,

32
00:03:54,236 --> 00:03:57,439
love will never degenerate into hate.

33
00:03:59,925 --> 00:04:02,357
So maybe that is good enough,

34
00:04:04,395 --> 00:04:09,365
not allowing your love
to degenerate into hate.

35
00:04:11,268 --> 00:04:13,288
And how to do that?

36
00:04:14,085 --> 00:04:15,953
Learn to feed your love better.

37
00:04:20,086 --> 00:04:24,093
And you know,

38
00:04:25,954 --> 00:04:33,769
when you are a really good practitioner,
you can even turn hate back into love.

39
00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:40,280
With a lot of concentration,
mindfulness and insight,

40
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:44,850
you can very well 
turn hate back into love.

41
00:04:45,844 --> 00:04:51,033
Because both love and hate 
are organic things.

42
00:04:56,250 --> 00:05:04,179
And this is possible,
even after only 3, 4 days of practice.

43
00:05:06,396 --> 00:05:10,312
Because in the retreats we offer 
everywhere in the world.

44
00:05:12,128 --> 00:05:15,334
Many couples suffer of losing love,

45
00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:23,814
including father and son, mother 
and daughter, partner and partner.

46
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:29,185
They cannot look at each other anymore.

47
00:05:30,243 --> 00:05:32,849
They cannot communicate 
with each other anymore.

48
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,283
It is not pleasant for them 
to look at each other anymore.

49
00:05:37,142 --> 00:05:42,813
It is not possible for them to say 
something nice to the other person.

50
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:46,371
And yet when they come to a retreat,

51
00:05:48,327 --> 00:05:53,894
they practice breathing, walking 
to calm down their suffering.

52
00:05:55,026 --> 00:05:58,157
They practice looking into
their own suffering,

53
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:00,492
and the suffering of the other person.

54
00:06:00,492 --> 00:06:04,711
They learn how to speak kindly 
and listen deeply.

55
00:06:06,257 --> 00:06:09,849
And on the fifth day, 
they can restore communication,

56
00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:13,931
they can say something nice to each other.

57
00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:20,349
They can listen to the other person 
with compassion.

58
00:06:21,827 --> 00:06:26,389
And they transform and 
they turn hate back into love.

59
00:06:27,218 --> 00:06:32,314
The miracle of transformation 
always happens in our retreats.

60
00:06:34,016 --> 00:06:37,749
And even if one of the two 
is not in the retreat.

61
00:06:41,519 --> 00:06:46,620
Because after five days of practice, 
you can use your portable telephone

62
00:06:48,385 --> 00:06:57,515
to practice loving speech, deep listening
and reconcile with the person at home.

63
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:05,608
That miracle happens in every retreat.

64
00:07:18,332 --> 00:07:26,734
Thay remembers that retreat
in Oldenburg, northern Germany.

65
00:07:30,369 --> 00:07:33,131
Thay said, 
"Ladies and gentlemen,"

66
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:38,121
"this is the fifth day of our retreat and
you have learned many things."

67
00:07:39,706 --> 00:07:44,636
"Now you have to put them into practice in
order to reconcile with the other person."

68
00:07:46,163 --> 00:07:49,395
"If the other person is 
in the retreat, that is easier,"

69
00:07:49,395 --> 00:07:54,678
"because he or she has been exposed to 
the teaching and they have practiced."

70
00:07:56,122 --> 00:07:59,882
"But if the other person is not there, 
you can use your telephone"

71
00:08:00,766 --> 00:08:04,984
"and practice compassionate listening
and loving speech."

72
00:08:05,711 --> 00:08:06,681
You say:

73
00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:17,285
"Father" or "Mother" or "Darling"

74
00:08:18,588 --> 00:08:23,456
"I know that in the past many years
you have suffered so much."

75
00:08:25,815 --> 00:08:29,290
"I was not able to
help you to suffer less.

76
00:08:29,290 --> 00:08:33,012
"In fact, I have made the situation 
more difficult for you."

77
00:08:33,937 --> 00:08:38,374
"I have reacted in such a way that 
makes you suffer more. I am sorry."

78
00:08:39,263 --> 00:08:42,499
"It is not my intention 
to make you suffer, darling."


79
00:08:42,712 --> 00:08:44,744
"It is because I did not understand you."

80
00:08:45,348 --> 00:08:48,627
"I did not see the suffering 
and the difficulties in you."

81
00:08:50,185 --> 00:08:52,349
"It is not my intention 
to make you suffer."

82
00:08:53,894 --> 00:08:59,905
"So I don't want to make you suffer 
and I need you to help me."

83
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:06,489
"You should help me to understand 
your suffering, your difficulties"

84
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:11,070
"so that I will not react like
the way I did in the past."

85
00:09:13,322 --> 00:09:17,829
"Please tell me your suffering,
your difficulties."

86
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,352
"Please tell me what is in your heart."

87
00:09:21,957 --> 00:09:24,905
"I really want to know."

88
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:30,069
"And if you don't help me,
who will help me? So, please ..."

89
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:34,127
And if you say something like that, 
that is called loving speech.

90
00:09:35,837 --> 00:09:37,974
And you open the heart of 
the other person.

91
00:09:38,991 --> 00:09:43,451
And he will tell you, the suffering, 
the difficulties in his heart.

92
00:09:44,128 --> 00:09:46,769
And you can practice like a Bodhisattva

93
00:09:47,106 --> 00:09:51,646
and listen very carefully 
with all your compassion.

94
00:09:54,484 --> 00:10:00,333
Even if the other person says something 
wrong, you don't interrupt him or her.

95
00:10:02,597 --> 00:10:08,218
If you do, then you turn the session of 
listening into a debate. That is not good.

96
00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:10,683
You tell yourself:

97
00:10:15,257 --> 00:10:19,672
"I am practicing as the Bodhisattva,
of compassionate listening."

98
00:10:20,941 --> 00:10:25,344
"My purpose is to listen in such a way
that he can suffer less."

99
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:29,779
"Therefore, I will not interrupt him."

100
00:10:30,942 --> 00:10:35,745
"If he says something incorrect,
I wait until a few days later."

101
00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,840
"And I will try to offer him 
some information"

102
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,602
"so that he can correct his perception,
but not now."

103
00:10:45,407 --> 00:10:48,045
And that is called 
'mindfulness of compassion'.

104
00:10:49,541 --> 00:10:52,119
Mindfulness of compassion, 
breathing in and out,

105
00:10:52,603 --> 00:10:56,137
helps you to protect yourself 
with compassion.

106
00:10:57,981 --> 00:11:00,760
So that what the other person says
will not spark off

107
00:11:01,357 --> 00:11:03,030
irritation and anger in you.

108
00:11:03,336 --> 00:11:04,543
It is wonderful.

109
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,809
Mindfulness of compassion protects you.

110
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:17,245
And do not let what the other person said,
spark off the irritation and anger in you.

111
00:11:18,082 --> 00:11:21,977
And you can listen half an hour, 
one hour without irritation.

112
00:11:22,988 --> 00:11:26,877
And that helps the other person 
suffers less right away.

113
00:11:28,748 --> 00:11:35,668
So that kind of practice of listening 
with compassion and using loving speech

114
00:11:37,192 --> 00:11:42,457
can always help restore communication 
and bring reconciliation.

115
00:11:45,088 --> 00:11:48,109
So, in that retreat, Thay said:

116
00:11:49,522 --> 00:11:56,308
"Ladies and gentlemen, you have until
midnight tonight in order to do it."

117
00:11:56,896 --> 00:11:58,620
"Use your telephone."

118
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:08,478
And the next day, four German gentlemen 
came up to Thay and reported that,

119
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:13,672
with their telephone, they had been able 
to reconcile with their father

120
00:12:15,714 --> 00:12:17,185
the night before.

121
00:12:18,159 --> 00:12:21,997
And one of them said: 
"Dear Thay, it is so wonderful."

122
00:12:23,044 --> 00:12:28,444
"Before the retreat, I did not believe 
I could talk to my father that way."

123
00:12:29,384 --> 00:12:30,640
"I was so angry at him."

124
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,689
"I even thought I did not want to have 
anything to do with my father."

125
00:12:43,145 --> 00:12:50,425
"And yet, after five days of practice,
last night, breathing in and out"

126
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:57,047
"to see the suffering in my father,
I called him."

127
00:12:57,936 --> 00:13:04,611
"And suddenly I found myself capable of 
speaking kindly to him."

128
00:13:06,208 --> 00:13:09,538
"Daddy, I know you have suffered a lot 
during the past many years."

129
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:15,493
"And I was so stubborn. I reacted in
a way that makes you suffer more."

130
00:13:15,493 --> 00:13:16,494
"I am sorry."

131
00:13:16,494 --> 00:13:19,228
They were able to say things like that.

132
00:13:20,184 --> 00:13:23,938
And the door of the heart of his father
opened.

133
00:13:25,077 --> 00:13:30,002
They talked for an hour or so
and they reconciled.

134
00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:37,257
And he said: "After the retreat I will
go right back to him and visit him."

135
00:13:40,090 --> 00:13:44,676
And we know that there are many others
in the retreat who have done that.

136
00:13:45,657 --> 00:13:48,282
But they have not come up to report.

137
00:13:56,664 --> 00:13:59,433
Thank you for asking the question.

138
00:14:00,986 --> 00:14:01,811
(Half bell)

139
00:14:06,073 --> 00:14:24,122
(Bell)