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Alright what can be said about our next roaster Marlee Matlin?
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Virtually anything cuz she can't hear shit.
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She appeared on 'The L Word' where she protrayed a deaf lesbian,
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uh, in fact, Marlee has become a hero among deaf lesbians or as they prefer to be called:
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Ear Muffs
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Please welcome my good pal, Marlee Matlin
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(Interpreter's Voice) Well Thank you, as you can see I'll be speaking
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with the help of my signer this evening,
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and to be honest I'm a little self conscious about my voice.
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Because I have been told by thousands of people that when I speak
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it sounds like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth.
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I guess I'm the perfect choice for this roast because
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like The Situtation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter.
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In fact, the Deaf Community has a special sign for everyone up here tonight
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Snoop Dogg
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The Situation
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Anthony Jessolik --whatever, I don't even know who he is.
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Larry King
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Seth McFarlane
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Whitney Cummings
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Lisa Lampinelli
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And of course, over there, is the legedary Roast Master General
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Jeff Ross
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Can you believe he actually asked me out? I said Jeff,
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I'm deaf, not blind!
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I have to say, it's such a thrill to be up here
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with such an esteemed peer like Lisa Lampinelli.
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I won the Oscar for best actress
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and Lisa won best in breed at the county fair.
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Not many people know this, but I replaced her on The L Word
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Apparently the only way she would eat p*y is if it had french fries in it.
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(Interpreter) Marlee I can't do this anymore!
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She's an Oscar winning actress and I can't do this,
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I'm out of here, see you later.
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(Marlee's voice) Well, uh, can anyone else speak for me?
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Can you talk for me? Hello?
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(Gilbert Godfreid) I will be of assistance!
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I will happy to sign for the great Marlee Matlin!
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Ah the Hammerstein Ballroom!
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Speaking of 'ballroom' Mr Trump, how are those spanks holding up?
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And the developer, Donald Trump, has done so much damage to
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the New York skyline, instead of calling him the Donald,
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they should call him the 20th hijacker!
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(Jeff Ross) Too soon!!
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Donald always says money can't buy happiness
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but it can buy the best Eastern European whores New York City has to offer!
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Donald has told many-a-tale of vivacious walkers of the night
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and their mystical extra hole.
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They come from a far away land to shuck the blood and ill-gotten bank accounts
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from wealthy but stupid billionaires!
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Tell us, o-great Trump, where are these women of who you speak
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who posses the coveted fourth hole?
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For we shall not rest until we have all experienced the pleasure
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of the four hole Eastern European whores that are currently
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doing blow in your dressing room!
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Did I get that right?
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(Marlee's voice) Sounds good to me.
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(Gilbert) Thank you Mr. Trump, you're the best
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this has been a real thrill for me
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It's not often you get a boss that can laugh at himself.
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(Marlee's voice) Now please stop staring at my tits.
