Alright what can be said about our next roaster Marlee Matlin?
Virtually anything cuz she can't hear shit.
She appeared on 'The L Word' where she protrayed a deaf lesbian,
uh, in fact, Marlee has become a hero among deaf lesbians or as they prefer to be called:
Ear Muffs
Please welcome my good pal, Marlee Matlin
(Interpreter's Voice) Well Thank you, as you can see I'll be speaking
with the help of my signer this evening,
and to be honest I'm a little self conscious about my voice.
Because I have been told by thousands of people that when I speak
it sounds like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth.
I guess I'm the perfect choice for this roast because
like The Situtation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter.
In fact, the Deaf Community has a special sign for everyone up here tonight
Snoop Dogg
The Situation
Anthony Jessolik --whatever, I don't even know who he is.
Larry King
Seth McFarlane
Whitney Cummings
Lisa Lampinelli
And of course, over there, is the legedary Roast Master General
Jeff Ross
Can you believe he actually asked me out? I said Jeff,
I'm deaf, not blind!
I have to say, it's such a thrill to be up here
with such an esteemed peer like Lisa Lampinelli.
I won the Oscar for best actress
and Lisa won best in breed at the county fair.
Not many people know this, but I replaced her on The L Word
Apparently the only way she would eat p*y is if it had french fries in it.
(Interpreter) Marlee I can't do this anymore!
She's an Oscar winning actress and I can't do this,
I'm out of here, see you later.
(Marlee's voice) Well, uh, can anyone else speak for me?
Can you talk for me? Hello?
(Gilbert Godfreid) I will be of assistance!
I will happy to sign for the great Marlee Matlin!
Ah the Hammerstein Ballroom!
Speaking of 'ballroom' Mr Trump, how are those spanks holding up?
And the developer, Donald Trump, has done so much damage to
the New York skyline, instead of calling him the Donald,
they should call him the 20th hijacker!
(Jeff Ross) Too soon!!
Donald always says money can't buy happiness
but it can buy the best Eastern European whores New York City has to offer!
Donald has told many-a-tale of vivacious walkers of the night
and their mystical extra hole.
They come from a far away land to shuck the blood and ill-gotten bank accounts
from wealthy but stupid billionaires!
Tell us, o-great Trump, where are these women of who you speak
who posses the coveted fourth hole?
For we shall not rest until we have all experienced the pleasure
of the four hole Eastern European whores that are currently
doing blow in your dressing room!
Did I get that right?
(Marlee's voice) Sounds good to me.
(Gilbert) Thank you Mr. Trump, you're the best
this has been a real thrill for me
It's not often you get a boss that can laugh at himself.
(Marlee's voice) Now please stop staring at my tits.