Reading minds through body language | Lynne Franklin | TEDxNaperville

Can you read someone's mind by looking at them? Almost. Lynne Franklin teaches you how to connect with three types of people by understanding how their bodies communicate.

After a boy threatened to kill her with a machete, Lynne Franklin decided to learn everything she could about persuasion. She became a neuroscience nerd, studying how the brain works and how to build rapport with people. She has since worked with organizations to use persuasive communication to increase their performance, productivity, and profit, and published a book about her personal research called "Getting Others to Do What You Want." In addition to her marketing and consulting work, Lynne is a member of the National Speakers Association and President-elect of its Illinois chapter.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Hi, I'm Lynne Franklin.

I have one question for you.

How would you like to be a mind reader?

(Audience) Yes.

Because part of me is thinking,

"I bet your mind's thinking,
'That's not going to happen.'"

Here's the truth.

People's brains process information -
they think - in three different ways.

And their body language will tell you
all day long what their primary style is.

You just need to know what to look for
and what to do when you see it.

And it's not one of those
where she's leaning back,

her arms are crossed, she's frowning,
so she must be unhappy.

It's actually understanding
how their brains work

and then presenting your information

in a way that people can see it,
hear it, and feel it,

and increase the chances
that they'll say yes

to whatever you're proposing,

and also decrease the chances
that you'll do something stupid

like this.

Back in my 20s, before I knew
any of this stuff,

I had a client who was
a corporate controller,

and he would sit
across from me in meetings,

and he was always looking down,
with the occasional glance up.

And I thought, "Okay,
well, he's a numbers guy.

He just feels comfortable
looking at the numbers."

And then as time went on, I thought,
"Well, you know, he's just socially inept,

and he doesn't know
how to give me eye contact."

And finally, because
I was young and stupid,

I thought, "Every time he's looking up,
he's looking at my chest,

and I'm offended!"

And there was one point -
I, when in a meeting, went,

"Excuse me, I'm up here."

Ooh, yeah, talk about judgmental.

Here's the scoop.

This guy's brain worked in a way

that he was never going
to give me eye contact.

And no matter how many times
I modeled the behavior

I wanted him to use,

all that did was make both of us
feel uncomfortable.

So, how can you tell?

How can you read people's body language
to read their minds?

We are going to show you right now.

And that means I'm going to bring out
our first body language model, James.

(Applause)

Thank you, James.

James represents 75% of the world.

You didn't know this about James,

but James is a looker.

(Laughter)

What that means is that James' brain
thinks in pictures and images,

in pictures and images.

And here's how we can tell
that James is a looker

from his body language.

First thing, he stands up tall.

He has good posture.

Second, he's dressed well

because appearance
is important to lookers.

The next thing
you'll notice about James is

that he holds a little stress
in his shoulders -

lift up your shoulders a bit -
he holds his stress there.

Next thing, you'll notice
he has wrinkles in his forehead

because James looks up
when he remembers something he has seen,

and he looks up more often
than most of us do.

Next thing you'll notice about James
is that he has thin lips.

Suck them in.

And this is a chicken-and-egg thing.

We're not quite sure
why lookers have thin lips,

but most of them do.

And the other thing about lookers
is they give you lots of eye contact.

Look at them, look at them, look at them,
all of them, look at all of them.

Thanks, James.

James: Thank you.

(Applause)

Lynn Franklin: Okay, now that you know
that James is a looker,

here are the two things you do
to build rapport with him.

The first is that you give
him lots of eye contact

because he literally believes

if you do not look at him,
you are not paying attention to him

and you are ignoring him.

The second thing you do with lookers is

you give them words
that have a visual component to it:

"I see what you mean"

or, "Look at this"

or, "Let's picture
working together this way."

So, you use the type of language
that is going on in James' brain.

Those are lookers.

Seventy-five percent
of people in the world.

Our next body language model is Marge,

and Marge represents
20% of the people in the world.

(Applause)

Marge is a listener.

What this means is that Marge's brain
thinks in words and sounds,

in words and sounds.

And this is the body language
that you will see in a listener.

First, Marge -
not as well-dressed as James,

because appearance
is not as important to her.

(Laughter)

Sorry, Marge.

Next, Marge has a tendency
to look down and to the left

because that's where you look

when you're remembering
something you have heard.

Next thing you'll notice about Marge is

that a lot of times,
she'll put her head in her hand.

It's called "telephone posture."

Other thing you'll notice about Marge is

that she has a tendency
to mumble to herself.

Go ahead and mumble.

Marge: (Mumbles)

(Laughter)

LF: And it's not that she's crazy,

it's that she thinks in words and sounds,

so she's literally talking to herself.

Another thing you'll notice about Marge -

yep, she's the "pen clicker"
and the "banger of the pen on the table."

These are listeners,
20% of the people in the world.

Thanks, Marge.

Marge: Thank you.

(Applause)

LF: If you want to appeal to listeners,
you do two things.

The first thing, you do not give them
lots of eye contact.

It freaks them out.

That's exactly what was going on
with that corporate controller.

So, what you do is

that when they're speaking,
you look at them and you look away.

And when you're speaking,
you look at them and then look away.

The second thing you do with listeners
is that you use words that are auditory:

"That sounds good to me"

or, "Let's talk this over."

That's the type of language
their brain uses,

so you're using that to appeal with them.

Listeners, 20% of the people in the world.

And our final body language
model is Marina.

And Marina represents
five percent of the people in the world.

Give her a round of applause.

(Applause)

Marina is a toucher.

Not what you think.

(Laughter)

What that means is that Marina's brain
thinks in feelings and tactilely,

in feelings and tactilely.

And here's the kind of body language
you will see in a toucher.

First thing and the biggest
tell in touchers is

whether or not they've ever met you
before in their lives,

they are ready to hug you.

(Laughs)

Second thing you'll notice
about touchers is

that they are dressed for comfort
rather than style.

Next thing is that they have full lips.

Give them big lips.

(Laughter)

Same thing - I know,
more touchers have full lips.

Next thing you'll notice about touchers
is that they have a tendency to lean in

because they are trying to decrease
the amount of physical space

between you and them,

and build rapport that way.

Touchers also have a tendency
to reach out and touch your arm

when they're in conversation with you.

And touchers also
have a tendency to look down

because that's where you look

when you're remembering
something you have felt.

Thanks, Marina.

Marina: Thank you.

(Applause)

LF: You want to build rapport
with touchers -

5% of the people in the world?

Here are the two things you do.

If you feel comfortable,
let them touch you.

(Laughter)

Appropriately, please.

But if you don't feel comfortable,
because a lot of us,

if you've never met somebody
and they're ready to give you a bear hug,

the last thing you want to do is go ...

because we've all done that,
and it does not build rapport.

So, if a toucher's coming at you
and you don't feel comfortable,

stick your hand out.

Give these people
a point of contact with you.

That's what they're looking for.

The second thing you do with touchers is

you use language that either
has a feeling to it or is tactile.

So, "I want to hear
how you're feeling about this."

"Let's get in touch."

"Reach out and tell me what you think."

That's the kind of language
that appeals to touchers -

people who process information
in feelings and tactilely.

I'll read your mind again,

and you're probably thinking,
"Which one of these three am I?"

Let's figure that out right now.

What I want you to do is close your eyes,

and remember an important memory.

Now, this could be something
from your childhood:

maybe your 10th birthday party

or something that happened
to you last week.

So, an important memory.

Now I want you to pay attention
to how you're remembering it.

Are you remembering it like a movie
or a series of pictures and images?

Are you remembering it
by hearing what people said

or describing what happened?

Or are you remembering it by how you felt
or how things felt to you?

Okay, open up your eyes.

How many of you
remembered it like a movie?

Right, most of you.

How many of you
were describing it to yourself

or remembering what people said?

Right, listeners.

And finally, how many of you
remember how you felt

or how things felt to you?

Right, now you know who you are.

That's the good news.

Here's the bad news.

You're going to treat everybody else
as though they think the same way.

And you've already seen
how awful that can be

when you're working
with a corporate controller

who has a different way of thinking.

Here's my invitation to you.

I want you to start paying attention
to other people's body language

to figure out how they think.

Because here's the magic part of it.

Once you start presenting your ideas
in a way that they get them,

they will say yes to you more often.

But here's the scoop too.

I'm not asking you
to become somebody else,

because you can't change
how your brain works.

It's true, you think in all three ways,

but just the way you have a dominant hand,

you have a dominant style.

You can't change that.

But what you can do is accommodate
your language, both body and verbal,

with the people you're with

in order to build rapport,

which allows you to reach
the full spectrum of people

that you're hanging out with.

And here's the other magic thing.

You don't even have
to be in somebody's presence

to figure out how their brains work.

Interested?

Right, all you need to do is listen to
or look at the words they're using.

So, if you're in a phone conversation,
listen for the words.

If you're reading an email,
look at the words.

People who are lookers
will use more visual language.

People who are listeners
will use more auditory words.

People who are touchers
will use more feeling, kinesthetic words.

You don't have to be in that same space
to know who they are.

So, here's my challenge to you.

Go back and read some of the emails
that you have sent,

and you'll notice,
now that you know who you are,

the kind of language that you're using,

and it'll back that up.

It happens with everybody.

So, 10 minutes ago, you didn't think
you could read people's body language

to read their minds.

And now you know what to do.

So, practice this stuff
on the people at home

or the people at work,

and when you do this,

and when you use these tools

to build rapport with all kinds
of different people,

you'll become the most
persuasive person in the room.

Thank you.

(Applause)