Mars brain, Venus brain | John Gray | TEDxBend

(Applauses)

So, I asked to turn up the light
so that I can see you as well.

We are talking about
relationships after all.

And the most important thing
in a relationship, man

is to see your wife.

You can see who is married
in a restaurant,

or who is dating.

If a man is dating a woman
he's looking right at her.

He's got one goal.

(Laugher)

And once he's climbed
that mountain you can relax.

You see the married man
looking around.

Quite often somebody else got
his attention.

Haven't seen her before.

It doesn't mean
he doesn't love her

his wife.

It just mean he's never
saw that before.

We all do this as we are going
to vacations

to lovely spots, new places

getting off the plain here in Bend
it was blown away

by the beautifull mountain.

It's exiting.

Because someone new and different

it stimulates our brain chemical
called dopamine.

And dopamine gives us motivation,
it gives us pleasure

it gives us focus.

And it gives us, happiness in a
relationship, passion.

When we fall in love with somebody

is literally like we are high
on drugs.

Maybe you don't remember

if you've been married for
28 years like I have,

but, I remided living
with my youngest daughter

who is in that first
"falling in love stage"

with her "live in".

(Laughter)

They're planning! They're planning!

But she is a modern woman,

she wants to be completely financial
self-sufficient

before she gets married.

As the new woman!

She wants to be sufficient.

Yes! Yes! We all wanna be
self sufficient.

We all wanna be independent,
and then from place of wholeness

come together.

It's a new world.

And I'm gonna talk
about that new world today.

The most important thing
to understand is

this brain chemical thing
dopamine.

'Cause when you haven't met someone,
before you are getting to know them

all the ingredients are there
to stimulate dopamine.

Newness.

And there's no history.

Where are we going with this?

What's gonna happen?

And that stimulates this
brain chemical

and in man, dopamine stimulates
a hormone calls testosterone.

So, men testosterone
levels are searching.

The average man in 50
have half testoterone levels he had

as a young man.

It starts to drop.

Lot of things contribute to that,
but one of the things is: marriage.

(Laughter)

You know, I'm 62 but
I went to the 50's with my friends

and several of my friends got divorce

and the came alive!

I'm not recomending divorce
to come alive.

(Laughter)

But I am recomending learning
new relationships skills

to come alive in
your marriage.

But it's like, when you
were somebody new

just going to somewhere new,
being with somebody new

it stimulates dopamine,

and for men dopamine
stimulates testosterone.

And for men, testosterone
lowers stress.

I don't mean stress in your life,
life is always stressful.

Problems are everywhere.

But how do we react to life
is depending

on our hormone
respondes to life.

And for men, testosterone
is the hormone

that helps men keeps
their stress levels down.

Most people don't know this
but, I learned this...

30 years ago I was reading...

20 years ago, maybe 30
something in there

I was about to see the movie
"The Grumpty Old Man"

and I was also reading
the differences

between young man and old man

was that men testosterone level
go down.

And then, I made the link.

Gumpty Old Man.

Think about men when
they haven't been laid for a while.

They get grumpty.

And we always thought
that testosterone caused

all that irrability.

But actually for men, it's estrogen.

(Laughter)

It's all those grumpty
old man

have super high
estrogen levels

and low testosterone.

Who knew?!

One of the biggest
risk factors for heart disease,

prostate cancer for men
is low testosterone.

All men, with depression
have low testosterone.

And that's why depression
is very different

from man than
from woman.

Depression for a man
is that feeling

"nobody wants me",
"I am not needed anymore",

"basically, I'm out of work",

"nobody there to respond for me"

"nobody there for me to fix,

help, serve, support".

So, been out of work
is the major depression for man

or being in a marriage
where you feel you can't

do anything to make
your partner happy.

I get to see it as a marriage
counselor for over 30 years

people often on their last exit.

'Cause I am famous people say:

"Oh, you gotta see him"

so I get the tough cases.

(Laughter)

But it's a challenge.

And what I hear again and again
for man.

I take the man outside,

"What is the problem here?,
what's going on here?,

If we can fix one problem,
what would that be?"

"John, the only problem here is
my wife is not happy".

That's it.

Now, I do these seminars, workshops
for like 4 days

and we started out
men in one room, women in the other.

Without my influence, the men
write down complaints about

their wifes, relationships, women
in one room.

Women do it in another room.

And then we spend the whole 4 days
working on that.

And men have one sheet,
and women have 5.

(Laughter)

And men's list is one or two words.

"Critical, complaints, nags, punishes,
not interested in sex"

that's the longest one they
come out with.

(Laughter)

There's a list over there.

And women got all this lists,
get a big long list

everything is a long sentences,
and if this thing and all that stuff.

(Laughter)

And men go
"See?"

(Laughter)

I got a few claps which
I'm not asking for

but that's what excites man.

I made a difference.

So men love their dogs so much.

(Laughter)

When I come home,
my dog is happy and I'm alive!

(Laughter)

It touches something so deep
inside of every man

That the whole evolution of men
where like out there

in the dangerous world.

If you came home alive, they
celebrate it.

(Laughter)

Now it's like
"Oh, he's back".

(Laughter)

"You know, you left the lights
on the living room last night

before you left"

(Laughter)

That's what I get!

If she was just happy...

What a man thinks

"If she was just the way she was
when I married her".

See, when man get married
they stay the same,

as If you can.

And realize women would never
be the same.

They are like the weather.

(Laughter)

It's always changing!

Sunshine, blue clouds, puffy clouds

blue sky, puffy clouds.

Rain storms, lightning strikes,
hurracains.

Tornadoes!

Now If you are from Mars

you have this instincts that
you are the worst thing

when you were with the Venusian.

See, in Mars when there's tornadoes,
what do we do?

We find a ditch and lay low.

It's not what women expect
you to do.

When that tornadoe comes in
you are supposed to stand in there.

(Laughter)

"Is something the matter?"

(Laughter)

And If you read it in my books

when every cell in your body says

"I can't take it anymore"

"I gotta find a ditch and lay low"

"Let me get my car and drive
somewhere"

Instead, you stand there,
just keep looking.

And when there's
a break you say:

"Huh. Tell me more".

(Laughs)

She is like
"I am married to Superman!"

If you can do that

and I teach people
how to do that

you have to, at least,
know what you are trying to do here.

'Cause many have been married
that say:

"No matter what I say or do
it makes it worst".

And I say
"that's because what you say

and do is wrong".

(Laughs)

It just doesn't work!

You've just told me it
doesn't work,

it doesn't work!

But, what does work?

Nothing.

(Laughs)

Nothing!

You can not make
a woman happy!

(Laughs)

You can not change the weather.

It changes by itself.

Women are grown ups

they can feel better.

They can get happier

they know how to do it.

Just they way of doing it

is different from ours.

All I have to do when I am stress
is sit down.

(Laughs)

Man have a switch right here.

As soon as you sit down
(laughs)

blood flows stops to your brain.

(laughs)

They did some experiments on that.

They put women at the end of the day
sit down

and men on the way
sitting down.

And they measure the brain activity.

Women sit down,
their brain speed up.

More blood flow.

And you say: "What are
you thinking?"

and she says, which any woman
in this room can predict

"Well, sitting on this couch I'm
thinking of all the things

I should be doing, that I am not doing
while I am doing this silly experiment".

And then, they do the man

and the man sitting there

you look at the scans
nothing is happening!

(Laughs)

Is it broken?

(Laughs)

What is this?!

And she is like
"What?!"

So you ask him:
"What are you thinking?"

And you now all know that
answer to that question

if you've been married!

He says: "Nothing!"

(Laughs)

And now he has evidence.

"See, honey?,

I'm not whithholding from you!"

(Laughs)

"I don't have big secrets,
I'm not hiding my problems from you

I'm trying to forget them!

Why do we have to talk about them?!"

'Cause one of the primary ways
man cope with stress

and remember, what the hormone
that lower stress for men?

Testosterone.

So what's the hormone
that lowers stress for men

is testosterone.

If, I got all this problems in my life
and I am solving them

I am releasing testosterone.

And it is keeping my
stress levels down.

At the end of the day,
I still have all this

unmet problems, right?

All this problems I haven't solved

so know that I'm not solving problems
my stress levels goes up!

I can't do anything about it

I'm home, I can't do anything
about it.

So stress goes up.

So how have men adapted
to deal with problems

you can't do anything about
once you are sitting.

Forget it!

(Laughs)

We can turn our brains off!

We have an off switch.

Women don't.

They can not forget anything!

(Laughs)

Here is a simple test in
"Gender intelligence"

Who has a bigger, better memory?

Women or men?

Women!

This is proven!

The hippocampus in a
woman's brain

is twice as big as in a man's brain.

The second store is like a library

recording everything on
the first floor.

On the second floor she records
every mistake

you've ever made.

(Laughs)

And something she can't do
much about it

is when she is stress,

when she is stress

blood flow goes to
that second floor.

Elevator, she goes up

she forgets every good thing
you've ever done

and remembers every mistake
you've made!

And how does she gets
off that floor?

She's gotta lower her stress.

She can not forget it!

So what does she do?

What's the woman reaction?

Just measure the brain!

There's wonderful
brain studies now!

Under moderate stress

women's brains have
8 times more blood flow

to the emotional part of the brain

which then goes to the
hippocampus.

She's bombardment
with memories!

For men, he forgets everything.

So, I'm not saying that
women are more emotional

than man.

I'm saying that,
under moderate stress

woman have a stronger
emotional reaction.

Under big stress, men have
a stronger emotional reaction.

And what's big stress for man?

A problem you can't solve
and can't forget.

And that's big stress for man.

A problem you can't solve

and you can't forget.

No matter how much
football games you are watching

not matter how much news
you are watching,

not much how many pressing
weights in the gym you are doing

you can't forget that problems.

So now your stress levels
are shooting up.

So, for man.
That's a big problem!

So, historically,
evolutionary wise

lions, tigers, bears

lions, tigers, bears, men
have a big reaction!

And by the way biologically
what's happening?

When soon as the man feels
powerless

his testosterone converts
the estrogen and floods

his brain with fear and anger.

It's when go to the female hormones

they loose control of their
masculine hormones

their testosterone levels drop.

Literally, testosterone converts
intro estrogen through

an enzyme called aromatase.

So, If I... I'm a man!

Testosterone driven. Every man
has to have 30

times more testosterone
than your average woman

to get up on stage to
do anything!

Without that he's that guy:

"Ugh, I don't wanna work anymore

I just wanna go play, watch TV
and do nothing".

Every loser I have ever
counseled I say:

"Why did you do that?"
"I felt like it"

"Why don't you do this?"
"I don't feel like it"

What we do want feelings

it's a wonderful evolutionary
lift.

Man have to always reason
first and then

checked it out with your feelings.

Why do I say that?

'Cause I counsel losers
a lot!

And they follow their feelings
instead of things,

"But does that makes sense"?
"I don't care"

You gotta start caring if
you are a man about

what makes sense and
then check it out

with your feelings.

And for woman,
you gotta check out

what is my feeling first
which will access into your intuition

and then what makes sense.

We are complements
to each other.

And we see the wiring in
the brain is the same.

The intuitive center over here,

the emotional center
over here

called the right interior
parietal lobe in a woman

which has to do with
personal relationships.

Has to do with:
"What are you eating today?"

"What should we have
for food today?"

"What should I wear?"

"Look what she is wearing"

"What do our children need?"

"What do the people need?"

"What does the earth need?"

"What does our family need?"

"How can I improve
this relationship?"

That's all relational activities.

I discovered that on vacation with
my 3 daughters and

my wife in Hawaii.

As we're sitting round
with nothing to do

I listened to their conversations

(Laughs)

"What we are gonna eat?"

"Where we are gonna eat?"

"What we gotta wear?"

"What do you wear, can
I wear that?"

Not there when they are limited
to that at all,

but when they are relaxing.

See? That's what I am
talking about!

This is how women relax.

They go to the right part
of the brain,

that stimulates estrogen

it also stimulates a magic
hormone

that most people are not
aware of

called: oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the hormone
that lower stress in women.

This was an amazing discovery!

What that... 12 years ago
they start finding this out.

Just to brag a moment
because I am from Mars.

Talking about 30 years ago.

I discovered it.

When I read an article about
oxytocin women produce

when they see babys.

You now, back in the day

when you are learning how to
being their bonding with

your children at birth.

Huge amounts of oxytocin
comes up, and you bond.

Well, then I went in this mall
just watching women,

watchin men, I used to sit
there and just watch.

There was a chair.

And in those days, when women
had a lot more oxytocin

than they have now.

And those days a woman
carrying a baby along

like this, women would
gather, "Oh!"

The same response my wife
would make

when I bought her a rose.

And when I put my arm around her

and we saw something sweet
in a movie

and I realize "Ah, this is
what makes women smile".

Now we have the science
behind it.

Oxytocin lowers stress
for women.

Then we found out
oxytocin allows women

to have climax in
the bedroom.

That perks up
man's ears.

(Laughs)

There is a pill,
oxytocin pill

synthetic oxytocin.

You give it to her, she'll
be really turned on

and it's been proven,

next stage she
shoots you.

(Laughs)

'Cause drugs takes you up
and then bring you down.

(Laughs)

So, by understanding this
two dynamics

we are living in a world today
where there's lot of stress.

And what we wanna do is

have equality, mutual respect
mutual appresiation

but we are facing a new challenge

as women are more in
the workplace

feeling more independent
testosterone gets produce

there's nothing wrong with
testosterone

in a woman's body.

Some women are just born with more,

so they are over here saying:
"John, what are you talking about?

I don't care what I wear".

But most women have,
90% of women have this

low testosterone high estrogen

and oxytocin is the hormone
in all women

that lowers cortisol for them.

Cortisol, the stress hormone.

Well, If you give a man
an inyection oxytocin

he goes to sleep.

Because after climax, he's
wel...

(Laughs)

After he has climax
has released oxytocin

what does he do? He goes
right to sleep.

So the bottom line is anything that
oxytocin producing

after you've done it 3 or 4
times, kinda puts

a man to sleep.

Which puts a real damper on relationships

unless men figures out that

If I do oxytocin things, for my wife

I'm not just doing oxytocin
producing things for her

I am solving a problem.

And when I solve a problem
testosterone levels go up.

So my wife is talking,
I am in the storm

I say, "Tell me more"

my testosterone stage is up
'cause I know how

to make it work.

And I know what I am doing is

helping her create more oxytocin.

Planning dates, bringing flowers
giving cards

all the "samples" of valentines days

you do regularly on a little score.

Just a little bit.

She's always looking ahead.
So, special time.

That causes her oxytocin levels
to rise up

to lowe her stress.

So that, her stress levels don't
shoot up.

'Cause right now woman stress
levels by study

is on average as twice as high
as men's

and for time higher at home.