< Return to Video

Robin Williams: Live on Broadway (2002)

  • 0:31 - 0:34
    Ladies and gentlemen,
    please welcome Robin Williams!
  • 0:50 - 0:51
    Thank you!
  • 0:56 - 0:58
    Oh, please!
  • 0:59 - 1:01
    Sit the fuck down!
  • 1:02 - 1:03
    Thank you!
  • 1:04 - 1:05
    Thank you!
  • 1:06 - 1:08
    Thank you!
  • 1:08 - 1:10
    Oh, yes!
  • 1:11 - 1:14
    Oh, yes, my little
    semain headed friend!
  • 1:15 - 1:17
    That's it! Good night!
    Thank you very much!
  • 1:19 - 1:22
    Thank you for the standing ovation,
    you made the orgasm up front.
  • 1:22 - 1:24
    Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
  • 1:24 - 1:27
    We're here in New York,
    fucking New York!
  • 1:29 - 1:30
    Yes!
  • 1:32 - 1:37
    Obviously this is not gonna
    be your normal night of theater!
  • 1:37 - 1:40
    This will be Shakespeare
    with a strap-on!
  • 1:41 - 1:43
    So that's the way you like it!
  • 1:43 - 1:47
    Welcome to my lovely set which is
    from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!
  • 1:48 - 1:51
    Or maybe the last thing
    a clitoris sees!
  • 1:52 - 1:55
    I'm over here!
  • 1:55 - 1:57
    I'm down here!
  • 1:57 - 2:01
    This is brought to you by HBO,
    which is subsidiary of Time Warner,
  • 2:01 - 2:03
    also owned by
    America On Line...
  • 2:03 - 2:05
    "You've got mail".
    I hope you don't have stocks!
  • 2:06 - 2:08
    Welcome!
  • 2:09 - 2:10
    Don't be afraid!
  • 2:12 - 2:14
    It was so reassuring
    the other day...
  • 2:14 - 2:17
    George W. Bush talked
    to the stock market and...
  • 2:18 - 2:21
    It must be him
    talking about business ethics
  • 2:21 - 2:23
    it's kinda like having
    a leopard give you a facial.
  • 2:23 - 2:25
    It doesn't really work!
  • 2:27 - 2:29
    "A lot of our imports
    come from other countries".
  • 2:29 - 2:31
    No shit?!
  • 2:33 - 2:35
    Moving right along...
  • 2:36 - 2:39
    Meanwhile,
    Michael is protesting...
  • 2:43 - 2:44
    I don't know, baby...
  • 2:45 - 2:48
    It was strange enought when Michael
    was the best man at Lisa's wedding.
  • 2:48 - 2:52
    That for me was like,
    "You're pushing the term, my man"!
  • 2:52 - 2:57
    That was a pretty short list.
    Was Richard Simmons hunting?
  • 2:57 - 3:00
    - "What are you doing"?
    - "I'm the best man"!
  • 3:00 - 3:03
    Now Michael is claming rasism.
  • 3:03 - 3:05
    I'm going,
    "Honey, you gotta pick a race first".
  • 3:12 - 3:16
    "What are you claiming,
    mistreatment of elves"?
  • 3:16 - 3:19
    "Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too.
    What are you going for"?
  • 3:19 - 3:23
    "You were Diana Ross.
    Now you've just left it all behind".
  • 3:24 - 3:29
    Michael, you're not a freak.
    You're just surgically enhanced...
  • 3:29 - 3:33
    And you spend more money
    than the Vatican.
  • 3:34 - 3:35
    If you go to Neverland, it says
  • 3:35 - 3:37
    "You must be this
    high to ride Michael".
  • 3:45 - 3:49
    Obviously, people and the lawyers
    for HBO are going, "Fuck"!
  • 3:50 - 3:52
    But how fucked up
    do you have to be
  • 3:52 - 3:54
    for Al Sharpton to go,
    "I'm outta here, man"!
  • 4:03 - 4:05
    If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,
  • 4:05 - 4:08
    even rats are going,
    "Man, that guy's quick"!
  • 4:08 - 4:11
    "From the Don King School
    of hair processing..."
  • 4:12 - 4:14
    He's running for
    office in Idaho on the
  • 4:14 - 4:19
    "What a fucking, wild, crazy chance
    in hell you'll be elected" ticket.
  • 4:19 - 4:22
    Sorry, my lips just went,
    "What the fuck did you say"?
  • 4:22 - 4:25
    Couple of dyslexic people went,
    "Thank you, Robin"!
  • 4:27 - 4:28
    "Thank you"!
  • 4:28 - 4:30
    We were worried about
    the pledge of allegiance.
  • 4:31 - 4:32
    We were gonna say
    "One nation under dog"!
  • 4:32 - 4:34
    It's OK.
  • 4:34 - 4:37
    I know people are going
    "I've got a cure for this"!
  • 4:37 - 4:40
    "One nation under Canada,
    above Mexico".
  • 4:42 - 4:43
    But then you have to the whole...
  • 4:43 - 4:47
    There's anthems like
    "Someone bless America"!
  • 4:48 - 4:50
    On the dollar bill, instead
    of "In God We Trust",
  • 4:51 - 4:53
    "In Gates We Trust"!
  • 4:53 - 4:55
    "Mr. Gates, when did you realize
    you are creating monopoly"?
  • 4:55 - 4:56
    "Monopoly is just a game, senator".
  • 4:56 - 4:59
    "I'm trying to control
    the fucking world".
  • 5:00 - 5:03
    Don't you see Windows Millenium?
  • 5:03 - 5:05
    It's all leading to
    Information Technology.
  • 5:05 - 5:08
    Soon it will be Total
    Information Technology, "TIT".
  • 5:08 - 5:13
    And when you're sucking on the tit,
    I have you by the motherboard.
  • 5:14 - 5:15
    Don't be afraid!
  • 5:16 - 5:19
    It's a nice day
    in New York, my people.
  • 5:19 - 5:23
    NY police have a catch and
    release program. Way to go!
  • 5:24 - 5:27
    Stop! OK, go on again!
  • 5:29 - 5:31
    You're it!
    Get the fuck outta here!
  • 5:32 - 5:36
    I like NY on a day like today. For a
    while everything went like "are you OK"?.
  • 5:36 - 5:40
    People're back to being newyorkers
    like "Have a nice day, asshole"!
  • 5:41 - 5:43
    "Fuck you, my friend!
    Enjoy your day"!
  • 5:44 - 5:47
    But the most beautiful thing about
    a day like today in this NY is
  • 5:47 - 5:50
    that the ladies
    take the twins for a walk!
  • 5:50 - 5:53
    Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!
  • 5:54 - 5:59
    On a hot day all the tities are out
    there. And like God made them go...
  • 6:00 - 6:03
    Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes
    and women running, they are going...
  • 6:04 - 6:08
    And then they hit a
    breeze and "chicken's done"!
  • 6:09 - 6:11
    Yes!
    Yeah, baby!
  • 6:13 - 6:14
    These are not like
    the tits in Vegas,
  • 6:14 - 6:17
    where even God goes
    "I didn't make those"!
  • 6:19 - 6:21
    Weird tits. You know
    fake tits are like nazis.
  • 6:22 - 6:24
    They don't laugh,
    they don't dance, they're just...
  • 6:25 - 6:27
    "I'm walking here"!
  • 6:27 - 6:30
    I've seen a woman turn
    and the tits stayed there.
  • 6:33 - 6:38
    Babies, lucky they don't have any
    teeth becayse they'd knock them out.
  • 6:38 - 6:40
    I've seen tits that are really bad,
  • 6:40 - 6:43
    like they had the nipples on the top,
    it looked like Kilroy.
  • 6:48 - 6:53
    When you go up Madison Avenue
    you see some hardcore surgery like...
  • 6:55 - 6:58
    "I'm so scared,
    but I can't express it".
  • 7:01 - 7:04
    These are the ladies who've had
    so much surgery, they're going
  • 7:04 - 7:05
    "What are these lumps
    under my eyes"?
  • 7:05 - 7:07
    "Those are your tits, madam"!
  • 7:09 - 7:12
    - And what's this?
    - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!
  • 7:13 - 7:16
    This is good news for you.
  • 7:17 - 7:20
    And girls getting
    Botox injections...?
  • 7:20 - 7:25
    - Look, I don't have any wrinkles.
    - You also have no expression.
  • 7:25 - 7:28
    You look like you've had
    a slight coma, but you're beautiful.
  • 7:30 - 7:36
    When guys say to you "Baby, I want
    you to get your tits done for me, OK"?
  • 7:37 - 7:39
    "Do it for me.
    Do it for your daddy man".
  • 7:40 - 7:41
    And you say
    "OK, daddy man"!
  • 7:42 - 7:45
    "Then I want you to get
    your balls done for me, OK"?
  • 7:46 - 7:49
    I want you to get
    those big old basket balls.
  • 7:50 - 7:53
    So when you do the baywatch
    thing, it's like...
  • 7:54 - 7:59
    Nothing drives a woman crazy like a
    big old Easter basket on her bunny.
  • 8:01 - 8:04
    So you go to the doctor...
  • 8:08 - 8:10
    Payback's a bitch!
    Go for it, girls!
  • 8:11 - 8:14
    Because you went through a hard time.
    This whole winter was so bizarre.
  • 8:14 - 8:20
    Temperatures were like 80, 20,
    30, 50. It was fucking weird!
  • 8:20 - 8:21
    The weathermen are going,
  • 8:22 - 8:24
    "I don't fucking
    know what's going on"!
  • 8:25 - 8:27
    "Let's just see what happens".
  • 8:28 - 8:31
    Flowers were like Anne Heche
    going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."
  • 8:33 - 8:35
    "I don't know where to go"!
  • 8:41 - 8:46
    George came back from Japan, he went
    "I went to the Coyote Conference"
  • 8:46 - 8:49
    - No, it's Kyoto.
    - That's a very good car.
  • 8:50 - 8:53
    George, walk away.
  • 8:54 - 8:55
    And they say there's no global warming,
  • 8:55 - 8:57
    but right now the
    North Pole is a pool.
  • 8:58 - 9:03
    It is beyond global warming,
    at this point it is cooking.
  • 9:03 - 9:06
    It's 105 in the middle of the country,
    and people come up going,
  • 9:06 - 9:08
    "Is it hot enough for you"?
  • 9:08 - 9:12
    "No, I like sweat to be rolling down
    the crack of my ass like Niagra".
  • 9:14 - 9:18
    "I like my old man
    tities to lactate, my man".
  • 9:18 - 9:23
    You see people in shorts and you're
    going "Please, don't wear those"!
  • 9:23 - 9:25
    "Oh please, don't put those on"!
  • 9:26 - 9:28
    If you go to South West Airline
    they're going,
  • 9:28 - 9:31
    "Sorry, you're not fat,
    you're horizontally challenged".
  • 9:32 - 9:36
    Big people at South West
    Airlines have buy two seats.
  • 9:36 - 9:38
    The problem is that
    they are not together.
  • 9:41 - 9:44
    And you have to put your
    tits in the overhead rack.
  • 9:44 - 9:47
    People don't mind now.
    We're working our way through.
  • 9:47 - 9:49
    All over the country
    you've got weird things.
  • 9:49 - 9:51
    In Houston they got Enron field.
  • 9:51 - 9:55
    "We were gonna call it
    5th Amendment field but fuck..."
  • 9:56 - 9:58
    We can't call it
    "We're fucked field"!
  • 9:59 - 10:02
    "Arthur Anderson put in the
    chairs, they spin both ways".
  • 10:04 - 10:08
    And now Martha Stuart
    may become somebody's bitch.
  • 10:10 - 10:12
    No!
  • 10:13 - 10:15
    Say it ain't so!
  • 10:15 - 10:18
    I like to consider it more
    like "severe companion".
  • 10:19 - 10:23
    If you only have one room, and I
    like to call it my "private space",
  • 10:23 - 10:28
    use the light well. You have vertical
    bars, don't use horizontal blinds.
  • 10:29 - 10:33
    Also, think of your ankle
    bracelet as an accessory.
  • 10:34 - 10:39
    The first time she has lunch going
    "You call this keesh"?
  • 10:39 - 10:43
    Shut up, bitch!
    You're inside now, you're mine!
  • 10:47 - 10:51
    All over things have been going good.
    I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.
  • 10:51 - 10:54
    I never knew that Ray Charles
    had a decorating license.
  • 10:54 - 10:56
    They're some severe...
  • 10:56 - 11:00
    They're colours there that
    have never seen daylight.
  • 11:00 - 11:03
    I've been to Nashville, I've heard
    people sing songs like
  • 11:03 - 11:08
    "Take your finger outta my ass,
    cause I'm leaving you behind"!
  • 11:09 - 11:14
    Funny ass shit people do now.
    I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.
  • 11:14 - 11:17
    It's HBO, cause it's live.
  • 11:21 - 11:24
    People playing baseball.
    You've got a good seat.
  • 11:24 - 11:26
    Yankees are kicking
    again, way to go!
  • 11:30 - 11:32
    You did a good job.
    It came through.
  • 11:33 - 11:36
    Everybody's worried about people
    playing baseball on steroids.
  • 11:37 - 11:39
    Here's one quick way you tell
  • 11:39 - 11:43
    on steroids, your balls shrink
    and your head grows.
  • 11:43 - 11:45
    So if someone steps up to the plate
  • 11:45 - 11:48
    with a Mardi Gras head and
    Raisinettes, "You're out"!
  • 11:49 - 11:52
    Poor Barry Bonds!
    They won't pitch to him
  • 11:52 - 11:53
    and when they do it,
    they're trying to kill him.
  • 11:53 - 11:55
    He's like Yasser Arafat
    of baseball.
  • 11:57 - 12:00
    For Jerusalem I have
    an interesting plan.
  • 12:00 - 12:03
    It's called a timeshare,
    like Miami, let's try that.
  • 12:03 - 12:06
    Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,
  • 12:06 - 12:09
    Christians will get
    Christmas and Easter
  • 12:09 - 12:12
    and Muslims will have Ramadan
    and that other holiday, Kaboom.
  • 12:14 - 12:19
    Obviously, the people of HBO
    are going "Oh, fuck off"!
  • 12:19 - 12:21
    "What are you doing, you asshole"!
  • 12:23 - 12:26
    I'm very excited
    because this is my time
  • 12:26 - 12:28
    when I was watching
    World Cup Soccer, my man.
  • 12:29 - 12:30
    I saw world cup, baby.
  • 12:30 - 12:33
    There's a few soccer fans,
    the rest of you are going
  • 12:33 - 12:36
    "Uh, that's like football
    without pads, right"?
  • 12:37 - 12:39
    For the rest of the
    world, it's football.
  • 12:39 - 12:42
    For us, it's "A strange sport,
    played by damaged people".
  • 12:43 - 12:45
    We made it in the World Cup.
    Everybody plays it.
  • 12:45 - 12:48
    Not like the World Series, cause the
    French don't have a baseball team.
  • 12:49 - 12:52
    If they did, they would only have
    left field and no one would be safe.
  • 12:52 - 12:55
    You know what I'm saying?
  • 12:55 - 13:00
    What can you do, huh?
    It is Bastille day, alore!
  • 13:02 - 13:07
    The day that Marie Antoinette
    gave the ultimate head. Look out!
  • 13:07 - 13:10
    We are French. Fuck you, Americans,
    I don't care!
  • 13:11 - 13:15
    My friend Lance Armstrong is racing
    right now in The Tour du France.
  • 13:15 - 13:18
    And every year the French
    go, "He is on chemicals".
  • 13:18 - 13:21
    "It's chemotherapy,
    you little toad sucker".
  • 13:23 - 13:26
    Okay, he has one testicle,
    he's aerodynamic.
  • 13:27 - 13:30
    Everyone, cut off your balls.
    You'll be quicker, do it!
  • 13:31 - 13:32
    Don't be afraid.
  • 13:33 - 13:38
    When you look at the World Cup,
    America finally made it.
  • 13:38 - 13:41
    We made it to the sixteen, baby!
  • 13:44 - 13:49
    We're no longer in the
    "Special Olympics" category.
  • 13:50 - 13:53
    They used to see us coming "Give
    it to them, they're damaged people"!
  • 13:53 - 13:59
    Thank you for the ball.
    I got a ball. I shoot the ball!
  • 13:59 - 14:04
    Unlike the Brazilians.
    When they play is like...
  • 14:05 - 14:08
    And the fans are like...
  • 14:09 - 14:12
    Brazilians are going
    "Look, I'm playing soccer..."
  • 14:12 - 14:15
    "Look, I'm scoring"!
  • 14:15 - 14:18
    "And now I'm kicking the ball".
  • 14:18 - 14:23
    Soccer is kinda mellow, you know.
    Is a little passive agressive though.
  • 14:23 - 14:27
    I didn't do anything...
    What are you looking at?
  • 14:27 - 14:29
    It's not like hockey, when someone
    comes up with a stick and goes
  • 14:29 - 14:30
    "Bang, motherfucker"!
  • 14:30 - 14:32
    That's why there are no
    Spanish hockey players.
  • 14:33 - 14:35
    When a white guy takes
    a stick and goes...
  • 14:35 - 14:37
    "Motherfucker, I'm going
    to cut you off now"!
  • 14:38 - 14:43
    "And you, Freddie Krugger bitch,
    take off the mask, motherfucker"!
  • 14:43 - 14:45
    "Coming in there!
    Goddamnit"!
  • 14:46 - 14:51
    Sometimes guys do this weird thing...
    They fall down and pretend like...
  • 14:51 - 14:57
    "I've been killed...
    I've been blinded..."
  • 14:58 - 15:03
    "There's nobody near me, huh?
    OK, I'm kidding"!
  • 15:04 - 15:07
    And the referee comes over,
    "Yellow card"!
  • 15:08 - 15:10
    Two yellow cards,
    "Red card"!
  • 15:11 - 15:14
    Hold on, three cards,
    "Green card"!
  • 15:15 - 15:17
    And the referee is so sweet, too.
  • 15:19 - 15:23
    "What's your name?
    Turn around".
  • 15:27 - 15:29
    "Why didn't you call me
    after the Mexico game"?
  • 15:33 - 15:38
    Not like football referees who have
    that "too much commercial time"!
  • 15:38 - 15:41
    Mad white man dancing on the field!
  • 15:43 - 15:46
    Moving away.
    Moving away.
  • 15:49 - 15:52
    In the World Cup they always
    claim there's bad refereeing,
  • 15:52 - 15:53
    someone may have been paid off.
  • 15:53 - 15:55
    Oh, shit, say it ain't so!
  • 15:56 - 16:00
    You're telling me that the Oscars
    are also political? Fuck off!
  • 16:02 - 16:05
    There's a game mafia!
  • 16:09 - 16:12
    The mov-hand!
  • 16:12 - 16:18
    Fairy Godfather, "Does this
    pistol make my ass look big"?
  • 16:20 - 16:24
    If you go to LA, there's a great
    greeting these people do, "Love ya"!
  • 16:24 - 16:28
    "Love you"!
    "Hey, love you"!
  • 16:35 - 16:41
    The worst refereeing was in the
    Winter Olympics with the French judge.
  • 16:41 - 16:43
    Once again, the
    French fuck with us!
  • 16:44 - 16:48
    The Canadians, they skate perfectly.
    "We did it perfect, huh"!
  • 16:48 - 16:51
    And then the Russians
    they come and fuck up
  • 16:51 - 16:56
    and the French judge went, "How lifelike,
    they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"?
  • 16:56 - 17:00
    At that point I'm going "Where is
    Tanya Harding when you need her"?
  • 17:01 - 17:05
    Tanya would've been on that
    judge like shit on Velcro.
  • 17:05 - 17:09
    "Give me that medal,
    you French whore"!
  • 17:11 - 17:13
    "I won"!
  • 17:14 - 17:17
    Instead we get to see
    Tanya fight Paula Jones
  • 17:17 - 17:19
    in an all white trash weekend.
  • 17:22 - 17:25
    Trailer park Tuesday!
  • 17:25 - 17:31
    Tanya went right for the nose,
    "Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"!
  • 17:32 - 17:35
    Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco
    fights John Wayne Bobbit.
  • 17:35 - 17:38
    There will be no hitting
    bellow the belt there, my friend.
  • 17:39 - 17:43
    "Fuck, man, give that back!
    My balls are in the front row"!
  • 17:43 - 17:48
    What's next? "The Nixon daughters
    battle for the library money".
  • 17:48 - 17:51
    "Be there as my bitches go at it"!
  • 17:52 - 17:53
    At this point, even
    Caligula is going,
  • 17:53 - 17:56
    "What the fuck
    are you people doing"?
  • 17:56 - 17:58
    Why don't you have
    Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef
  • 17:58 - 18:00
    just kick out the jams?
  • 18:00 - 18:04
    Cause we've got The Chamber,
    The Chair, Fear Factor.
  • 18:04 - 18:07
    People in Texas are going
    "We got those shows".
  • 18:09 - 18:12
    "We just don't film'em".
  • 18:12 - 18:17
    Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned
    the execution of retarded people.
  • 18:17 - 18:20
    People in Texas are going,
    "Shit, where's the fun now"?
  • 18:21 - 18:24
    Cause they were zapping retarded
    people every other week.
  • 18:24 - 18:26
    It was like, "Go sit on
    Santa's lap, Timmy".
  • 18:32 - 18:36
    And I know the definition of
    "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.
  • 18:43 - 18:44
    It's crazy!
  • 18:50 - 18:53
    Even the Taliban is going
    "You are crazy motherfuckers"!
  • 18:53 - 18:56
    There was a guy with one leg. They
    weren't gonna give him a wodden leg.
  • 18:56 - 18:58
    He was gonna be dead man hopping.
  • 19:01 - 19:05
    There is a moment of compassion.
    Before the lethal injection,
  • 19:05 - 19:07
    they do an alcohol swab,
    which is so nice!
  • 19:11 - 19:13
    "What the fuck are you doing"?
  • 19:14 - 19:18
    "We don't want you to get
    that last-second infection"!
  • 19:20 - 19:22
    "It's all safe now".
  • 19:22 - 19:27
    You remember the Winter Olympics.
    They had them in Utah. Great place!
  • 19:27 - 19:30
    What, was Amish country booked,
    what happened?
  • 19:30 - 19:34
    "Come on down to Salt Lake!
    We're gonna party like it's 1955".
  • 19:35 - 19:38
    "Bring your wives. Oops!
    Come on down"!
  • 19:39 - 19:41
    At the closing ceremony
    they introduced
  • 19:41 - 19:44
    Donnie and Marie,
    as the first couple of Utah.
  • 19:45 - 19:51
    I went "Uh-uh, honey, no!
    They're only a couple in Arkansas".
  • 19:55 - 20:00
    If you're going to Georgia,
    Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.
  • 20:00 - 20:05
    Jane found God
    and Ted found out it wasn't him.
  • 20:06 - 20:08
    We're at the olympics once again,
  • 20:08 - 20:11
    we're talking about
    the figure skating.
  • 20:11 - 20:13
    I find the figure skating
    to be kinda sexy.
  • 20:14 - 20:17
    Not ice dancing, which is polka
    on Valium. That's not good.
  • 20:18 - 20:21
    There's that pairs figure skating.
    There's that one very special lift.
  • 20:21 - 20:23
    Where the male skater goes...
  • 20:24 - 20:26
    Right here!
  • 20:26 - 20:29
    Where even a gynecologist would go
    "Put on a glove, man"!
  • 20:30 - 20:33
    Who's your daddy?
    Who's your daddy?
  • 20:36 - 20:37
    And I'm going
    "Let's cut the foreplay,"
  • 20:37 - 20:39
    "let's have ice fucking,
    come on"!
  • 20:53 - 20:58
    And she holds on without her hands!
  • 21:14 - 21:18
    Even the French judge would go
    "I like it"!
  • 21:18 - 21:22
    "I don't care. I'm giving them
    the medal. Fuck the Canadians"!
  • 21:22 - 21:25
    "So fabulous"!
  • 21:25 - 21:29
    There's other kinda sexual things
    in the Olympics, there's the louge,
  • 21:29 - 21:30
    about which I have only one question.
  • 21:30 - 21:35
    What drunken, German gynecologist
    invented that sport?
  • 21:36 - 21:39
    "You know what? I want
    to dress like a sperm,"
  • 21:40 - 21:43
    "shove an ice skate in my ass,"
  • 21:43 - 21:47
    "and go balls first
    down an ice chute".
  • 21:47 - 21:50
    "Ya! That would be fun".
  • 21:52 - 21:55
    No! This is for pussies!
  • 21:55 - 21:58
    - How will you stir?
    - I will do kegels!
  • 21:59 - 22:02
    "I will flex my ass
    and go down the ramp"!
  • 22:03 - 22:06
    And do not talk to me
    about the two men louge.
  • 22:06 - 22:09
    I'm saying "Boys, get a room"!
  • 22:09 - 22:12
    "Make that turn, you bastard, make it"!
  • 22:12 - 22:15
    "Hard right, you fucker, hard right"!
  • 22:15 - 22:20
    Pour guy gets to the end of the run
    "I got wood man, I'm sorry"!
  • 22:20 - 22:22
    "You cost us the race"!
  • 22:23 - 22:25
    "Your penis going frr was
    200 of a second winds resistance"!
  • 22:27 - 22:29
    "We could've won if you
    weren't going brrring"!
  • 22:29 - 22:31
    "Dolphin boy"!
  • 22:34 - 22:37
    There's always some
    horrible drug scandal.
  • 22:37 - 22:39
    This year was a Spanish
    cross-country skilor...
  • 22:39 - 22:41
    Skilor, which is like a skier.
  • 22:42 - 22:45
    - Are you a skilor?
    - Yes!
  • 22:47 - 22:52
    They accused him of taking
    some performance enhancing drug.
  • 22:52 - 22:55
    Like an elephant growth hormone.
  • 22:55 - 22:58
    "Are you on some sort of drug"?
  • 23:00 - 23:02
    "Are you taking an
    animal tranquilizer"?
  • 23:04 - 23:10
    And they didn't bother
    drug testing the snowboarders.
  • 23:11 - 23:14
    "Go, go my little boys, have fun"!
  • 23:15 - 23:18
    I guess they realized the word
    "half pipe" ment something.
  • 23:20 - 23:23
    Remember the kid who
    won the gold medal?
  • 23:23 - 23:25
    He was in freestyle.
  • 23:25 - 23:30
    - You wanna be on a box of Whities?
    - No. Count Chocula.
  • 23:30 - 23:32
    A-ha! A clue, Sherlock!
  • 23:33 - 23:36
    The poor Canadian snowboarder,
    in the 1998 Olympics,
  • 23:36 - 23:39
    they took away his medal because
    he tested positive for marijuana,
  • 23:39 - 23:40
    which is kinda redundant number one.
  • 23:40 - 23:45
    Number two, they said that marijuana
    was a "performance-enhancing drug".
  • 23:49 - 23:53
    Marijuana enhances many things,
    colors, tastes, sensations,
  • 23:53 - 23:56
    but you are certainly
    not fucking empowered.
  • 23:57 - 24:01
    When you're stoned, you're lucky if
    you can find your own goddamn feet.
  • 24:02 - 24:04
    The only way it's a
    performance-enhancing drug is
  • 24:04 - 24:06
    if there's a big fucking Hershey
    bar at the end of the run.
  • 24:09 - 24:11
    Then you'll be like...
  • 24:13 - 24:16
    Then you'll be like a Swiss
    ski jumper going, "I'm there"!
  • 24:17 - 24:19
    Pour Canadian snowboarder.
    They asked for his medal back
  • 24:19 - 24:22
    and he couldn't find it. It
    was around his fucking neck!
  • 24:23 - 24:26
    Get out of here, you little
    goofy Canadian bastard, eh?
  • 24:26 - 24:28
    They have weird sports
    like the Biathalon
  • 24:28 - 24:30
    which is like Norwegian drive-by.
  • 24:33 - 24:34
    "Get the TV, Hans"!
  • 24:37 - 24:41
    The Canadians won the
    gold medal in hockey.
  • 24:42 - 24:46
    God bless you Canadian people.
  • 24:46 - 24:49
    You're so fucking nice, eh?
  • 24:50 - 24:52
    It's your only
    fucking sport, come on!
  • 24:54 - 24:55
    That and a mutant form of football.
  • 24:56 - 24:57
    "We've got 13 men, we
    have a longer field"
  • 24:57 - 24:59
    "No, you have fun, enjoy"!
  • 25:01 - 25:05
    Canada's like a loft apartment
    over a really great party.
  • 25:08 - 25:10
    "Keep it down, eh"?
  • 25:14 - 25:18
    "We are nice. We have Jean Chritien,
    our great prime minister".
  • 25:18 - 25:21
    He was the only man in the world who said,
    "I don't need no secret service"
  • 25:21 - 25:24
    "If a guy comes to hit me,
    I fucking knock him out, eh"?
  • 25:24 - 25:28
    "I'm Jean Chritien which versus
    your president, who's a cretin".
  • 25:28 - 25:32
    Quebec keeps wanting to break away from
    Canada, but still keep the currency.
  • 25:33 - 25:34
    It's like a kid moving
    out of the house,
  • 25:34 - 25:36
    -But I still would like to get money.
    -Fuck off you!
  • 25:38 - 25:41
    Canadian money is also
    called the Looney.
  • 25:41 - 25:44
    How can you take an
    economic crisis seriously?
  • 25:46 - 25:49
    - The Looney is down!
    - Oh, how sad for you!
  • 25:50 - 25:51
    What are you saying, eh?
  • 25:52 - 25:56
    Everyone was so happy that at the
    Olympics the security was so tight.
  • 25:56 - 25:58
    "Security was amazing
    at the Olympics".
  • 25:58 - 26:01
    Utah's the whitest
    fucking State in the Union!
  • 26:02 - 26:06
    An Arab in Utah is like an albino
    at the Apollo. You would notice!
  • 26:10 - 26:15
    - We found one!
    - He's just tanned. Everybody off!
  • 26:16 - 26:19
    The problem was that there was
    basically white powder everywhere.
  • 26:19 - 26:20
    All the dogs looking
    for anthrax were going
  • 26:23 - 26:25
    "You go, man, you go"!
  • 26:25 - 26:27
    Pour dogs they looked
    for anthrax and cocain.
  • 26:27 - 26:29
    In the cage at the end
    of the day they're going
  • 26:30 - 26:32
    "I can't taste my ass,
    I don't know why..."
  • 26:35 - 26:37
    "It's my tail"!
  • 26:39 - 26:40
    Meanwhile your cat
    sits over there going
  • 26:41 - 26:43
    "You're still an
    asshole, you know that".
  • 26:44 - 26:47
    Is it me, or are cats drag queens?
  • 26:47 - 26:49
    The way they kinda go
    "Who loves Kitty"?
  • 26:54 - 26:55
    "Are these your shoes"?
  • 26:58 - 27:00
    Who loves Kitty?
    Who loves Kitty?
  • 27:01 - 27:04
    Male cats have that amazing thing,
  • 27:04 - 27:06
    where they kinda walk around going
    "That's mine"!
  • 27:09 - 27:11
    "Mine"!
  • 27:12 - 27:14
    "I like that too".
  • 27:15 - 27:17
    Thank God men aren't like that!
  • 27:17 - 27:20
    "Nice car, Bob.
    Mine now"!
  • 27:21 - 27:25
    - What are you doing?
    - Just shopping!
  • 27:39 - 27:41
    The whole anthrax thing
    had people going...
  • 27:41 - 27:43
    They said
    "Don't open your mail"!
  • 27:44 - 27:47
    - Why?
    - There's white powder in envelopes.
  • 27:47 - 27:50
    "Really"!?
  • 27:51 - 27:53
    "Your mother and I used to look
    for white powder in envelopes"!
  • 27:54 - 27:56
    "We weren't on-line.
    We did lines, my friend".
  • 27:57 - 28:00
    "And there were ninjas on the
    fucking lawn, trying to kill us"!
  • 28:02 - 28:04
    And now, there are people
    trying to kill us.
  • 28:04 - 28:06
    And that's why
    I bought a gas mask.
  • 28:06 - 28:12
    I can't even get a condom
    on when I want to!
  • 28:12 - 28:17
    "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got
    a love glove. Hold on".
  • 28:21 - 28:23
    "I'll be right with you, honey".
  • 28:23 - 28:27
    "Don't go away on me now".
  • 28:31 - 28:33
    You're playing "Beat the cock".
  • 28:34 - 28:37
    "I got it, I got it"!
  • 28:40 - 28:43
    There's your penis like a
    midget in a diving suit...
  • 28:44 - 28:45
    "I don't think we're
    going in today, Pete".
  • 28:47 - 28:49
    "We didn't make the deadline".
  • 28:58 - 29:03
    Remember when they sent anthrax
    to Tom Daschle's office?
  • 29:03 - 29:05
    And they cleared that
    fucking place out.
  • 29:05 - 29:10
    "Everybody out, come on"!
    Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.
  • 29:10 - 29:11
    And when the Congressman
    walked out they go
  • 29:11 - 29:14
    "But the rest of you,
    go about your lives".
  • 29:15 - 29:16
    "Everything is perfectly OK".
  • 29:17 - 29:19
    "We'll be miles away".
  • 29:19 - 29:23
    It's like when you go to the dentist
    and he puts a little lead bib over your balls.
  • 29:23 - 29:27
    He walks behind concrete, going
    "You'll be fine"!
  • 29:31 - 29:33
    How can you tell
    if Congress was sick?
  • 29:33 - 29:35
    It's night of the living dead anyway.
  • 29:35 - 29:38
    All those old senators going
  • 29:38 - 29:42
    "The confederate flag is just
    the symbol of state's rights".
  • 29:42 - 29:46
    Yeah, and the swastika
    is just a Tibetan good luck charm.
  • 29:50 - 29:52
    When did Ted Kennedy
    become Jabba the Hutt?
  • 29:54 - 29:56
    He's huge!
  • 29:57 - 30:00
    You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's
    day float, come on!
  • 30:00 - 30:03
    Bring him down.
    We're voting!
  • 30:04 - 30:08
    Step away, boy.
    "I said no to the Crispy Cream".
  • 30:10 - 30:13
    Congress recently
    approved the covert plan
  • 30:13 - 30:16
    to assassinate Saddam Hussein.
  • 30:19 - 30:22
    So what they've done,
    is publicly approve
  • 30:22 - 30:25
    the secret plan to
    assassinate Hussein.
  • 30:26 - 30:28
    I wonder if he knows?
  • 30:31 - 30:36
    I know there's a cure for bio
    terrorism that they sent at us.
  • 30:37 - 30:41
    And it lies within
    Keith Richards, I know that.
  • 30:41 - 30:42
    He is the only man on the planet
    who can go,
  • 30:42 - 30:47
    "Anthrax?
    All right..."
  • 30:50 - 30:54
    "Doesn't go with my
    E. cola, but fuck"!
  • 30:55 - 30:59
    Keith is the only man who can make
    the Osbornes look fucking Amish.
  • 31:00 - 31:06
    I've seen him go to a drug
    dealer who said "I'm out, man"!
  • 31:06 - 31:08
    "I have nothing left".
  • 31:08 - 31:10
    Supposedly he goes to Switzerland
    and changes his blood.
  • 31:10 - 31:14
    Not like one pint, but like a
    fucking Chevrolette, all of it.
  • 31:14 - 31:17
    I just wanna know
    who gets his blood?
  • 31:17 - 31:18
    Some old Swiss man's going,
  • 31:18 - 31:22
    "Heidi!
    We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"!
  • 31:23 - 31:26
    "We've gotta pay for mixed babies".
  • 31:28 - 31:30
    We may all be dead and gone,
  • 31:31 - 31:34
    Keith will still be there
    with five cockroaches.
  • 31:35 - 31:38
    Keith'll go, "I smoked
    your uncle, did you know that"?
  • 31:39 - 31:41
    "Fucking crazy..."
  • 31:42 - 31:46
    Every so often,
    Rumsfeld comes out and goes,
  • 31:46 - 31:50
    "I don't know where.
    I don't know when".
  • 31:51 - 31:54
    "But something awful's
    going to happen".
  • 31:54 - 31:58
    "Thank you, that's all for today,
    no further questions".
  • 31:58 - 32:01
    Excuse me, can you give me a clue?
  • 32:01 - 32:04
    What is it, the Central
    "Intuitive" Agency now?
  • 32:05 - 32:07
    Are you working with Miss Cleo?
  • 32:10 - 32:13
    "I don't know where,
    I don't know when,"
  • 32:13 - 32:15
    "but somethin'
    awful's gonna happen"!
  • 32:16 - 32:18
    "And definitely don't
    marry that fat man".
  • 32:18 - 32:20
    "He only wants you
    for your money, girl"!
  • 32:21 - 32:25
    People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud.
    I went "Fucking duh"!
  • 32:26 - 32:31
    What do you want? A blind tarot
    card before you go, "A-ha"!
  • 32:32 - 32:35
    If she's a psychic, why does
    she need a fuckin' phone number?
  • 32:37 - 32:39
    Number two, that
    fake Jamaican accent?
  • 32:39 - 32:42
    If she was a real psychic,
  • 32:42 - 32:46
    she'd be one of those Louisiana
    psychics going, "You gonna die"!
  • 32:46 - 32:47
    "They have to puck your ass up"
  • 32:47 - 32:50
    "so they can pull a place for
    your bike, come on now"!
  • 32:50 - 32:53
    It's like buying hair
    care products from Cher.
  • 32:53 - 32:55
    She's wearing a wig, you idiot!
  • 32:56 - 32:59
    Take that abdominal thing...
    "Help you lose weight"
  • 32:59 - 33:03
    "while it shocks your fat ass
    sitting watching TV".
  • 33:03 - 33:08
    "I'm getting six-pack abs
    by knocking my testicles around"!
  • 33:08 - 33:10
    You strap that to your head.
  • 33:12 - 33:16
    And say, "I will not buy
    stupid shit for no reason"!
  • 33:25 - 33:27
    Now we are in troubled times.
  • 33:27 - 33:29
    When it happened, I thought
    the Statue of Liberty would change.
  • 33:29 - 33:31
    Instead of "Give me your
    tired and your poor,"
  • 33:31 - 33:34
    it would be her with a baseball
    bat going "You want a piece of me"?
  • 33:35 - 33:39
    There was hardcore security.
    In NY stopping people in the tunnel..
  • 33:39 - 33:43
    In Washington they had F-18s
    flying, air cover everywhere.
  • 33:43 - 33:46
    In San Francisco,
    not so hardcore security.
  • 33:46 - 33:50
    At Golden Gate Bridge there's a
    Hummer, and I'm talking about the car.
  • 33:54 - 33:59
    One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen,
    same at the other end of the bridge.
  • 33:59 - 34:01
    The problem is that the Hummer
    and the National Guardsmen
  • 34:01 - 34:03
    are in jungle camouflage.
  • 34:03 - 34:08
    For those who never been to SF,
    the bridge is bright orange.
  • 34:08 - 34:12
    So I feel like going
    "Be vewy, vewy quiet".
  • 34:13 - 34:17
    "We're wooking for tewwowists".
  • 34:22 - 34:24
    Airport security, before
    all this happened it was like,
  • 34:25 - 34:27
    "Beep, OK, get
    on the plane, come on".
  • 34:28 - 34:32
    "What's that? Oh, that's a gun.
    OK, get on the plane".
  • 34:33 - 34:36
    You could carry a four inch blade,
    that's about that long.
  • 34:42 - 34:46
    Now, you can't even carry
    a nail-clipper on a plane.
  • 34:46 - 34:47
    Are they afraid you're
    gonna go "All right"!
  • 34:49 - 34:53
    "Give me the plane
    or the bitch loses a cuticle".
  • 34:54 - 34:58
    "I have a nail file.
    I can be irritating".
  • 34:58 - 35:02
    And if you have a steak or any piece
    of meat, they won't give you a knife.
  • 35:02 - 35:04
    So it's like
    "Quest for Fire" flight.
  • 35:12 - 35:14
    "Sir, you're making a lot of noise".
  • 35:15 - 35:18
    The Hindu man in the back is going
    "Hold the bowl higher".
  • 35:19 - 35:21
    "Don't be afraid to beg,
    use your hands."
  • 35:23 - 35:27
    Now the airport security is tight.
    You go through the metal detector
  • 35:27 - 35:29
    and if you are heavily pierced,
    like some of my friends...
  • 35:30 - 35:32
    "Take out your keys, sir".
  • 35:32 - 35:34
    "Tip of the iceberg".
  • 35:43 - 35:47
    For those playing the home game,
    this is called a Prince Albert.
  • 35:48 - 35:50
    I'm sure that was his last wish.
  • 35:50 - 35:53
    I'm sure Albert said,
    "Victoria, I'm dying".
  • 35:54 - 35:57
    "I want you to name a
    museum, a performance hall"
  • 35:57 - 36:00
    "and a bolt through
    the cock after me".
  • 36:00 - 36:03
    "That will be Victoria's Secret.
    Go, my darling".
  • 36:04 - 36:08
    "Sell little thongs to people
    like they had little anal floss".
  • 36:09 - 36:11
    And I'm talking heavily pierced.
  • 36:11 - 36:12
    Not like Britney Spears
    "I'm a virgin"!
  • 36:13 - 36:15
    Yeah and Michael Jackson
    is a father. Move on!
  • 36:16 - 36:18
    I'm talking like a hoop
    through your nipple.
  • 36:18 - 36:20
    You know, lady...
    I'm guessing!
  • 36:24 - 36:29
    Just kinda the way your
    clothes are going...
  • 36:29 - 36:34
    When you have a big hoop, what
    you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!
  • 36:34 - 36:38
    Or you have two. He's and her's
    towels, whatever you want!
  • 36:39 - 36:41
    A towel down here,
    so you can wash up. Fun!
  • 36:41 - 36:45
    It's interesting when you see a girl
    with a bolt through her tongue.
  • 36:45 - 36:46
    Why did you do that?
  • 36:46 - 36:49
    "To enahthe
    the thekthual thtimulathion".
  • 36:52 - 36:54
    "Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy"
  • 36:54 - 36:57
    "like the feel of cold
    steel on his hot rod".
  • 36:57 - 36:59
    "But the problem is I ended up
    knocking out all my teeth"
  • 36:59 - 37:02
    "and living in a trailer park
    with a man named Bubba".
  • 37:03 - 37:05
    That's the trade-off, my darling.
  • 37:05 - 37:07
    You get the tatoo with
    a barb wire when you're 18
  • 37:08 - 37:11
    and by the time you're 80
    it's fucking picket fence.
  • 37:11 - 37:16
    And Madonna turns into
    Margaret Hamilton going,
  • 37:16 - 37:20
    "I'm dying, melting".
  • 37:20 - 37:21
    Here's what you wanna do.
  • 37:21 - 37:25
    When I was growing up I didn't have
    Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!
  • 37:25 - 37:27
    But I had National Geographic
  • 37:27 - 37:29
    and the girls that got me crazy...
  • 37:30 - 37:33
    You know the ones with
    the slinky neck going...
  • 37:34 - 37:38
    Do that, drive your parents crazy
    when you come down the stairs...
  • 37:39 - 37:41
    Or do the full ubangy go,
  • 37:41 - 37:46
    "Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".
  • 37:46 - 37:49
    And you can take out the plate
    and jump-rope with your lower lip.
  • 37:49 - 37:50
    Have fun!
  • 37:50 - 37:52
    Watch grandma go "Shit"!
  • 38:00 - 38:03
    Union guys going
    "Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"!
  • 38:10 - 38:14
    This shit is gonna be
    more precious than oil.
  • 38:15 - 38:17
    Ten years from now, it's already
    starting to happen. People going,
  • 38:19 - 38:21
    "I got water".
  • 38:22 - 38:26
    "And if you want it cold,
    I got ice, motherfucker".
  • 38:27 - 38:32
    Going on the planes now, a sweet
    little Southern stewardess goes,
  • 38:32 - 38:35
    "Ladies and gentlemen,
    before we board flight five,"
  • 38:35 - 38:38
    "we're just gonna do a few
    random bag checks".
  • 38:38 - 38:40
    "These are totally random".
  • 38:41 - 38:43
    "I'm just gonna read off
    a few names".
  • 38:47 - 38:49
    "Has'N'T'Been' Seen"?
  • 38:52 - 38:53
    "Akeem Been'Laid"?
  • 38:54 - 38:56
    "Have'N'T'Been Fucked"?
  • 38:57 - 38:59
    "Judy Smith"?
  • 39:00 - 39:02
    Fourteen arabs and a blonde...?
  • 39:02 - 39:07
    And every black and Hispanic man in
    the room is going "Thank you, God"!
  • 39:07 - 39:10
    "Oh, yes, we're off the list,
    motherfucker, yeah"!
  • 39:13 - 39:15
    "They man's gonna be fucking
    with you now, Habib".
  • 39:16 - 39:19
    "You better learn to go orderly".
  • 39:19 - 39:22
    They take the knitting needles
    from the eighty-year-old lady,
  • 39:22 - 39:25
    "Why, cause I'm gonna knit
    an Afghan?" Give 'em to me!
  • 39:26 - 39:28
    And the five year old kid, they're
    patting him down, he's going,
  • 39:28 - 39:32
    "What are you doing?
    You're not a priest, let go of me!"
  • 39:38 - 39:40
    So you've had
    a problem too, I guess.
  • 39:40 - 39:42
    Father pats little boys down, like,
  • 39:42 - 39:46
    "Good game, boy, good game!
    Wash up Timmy, really wash up!"
  • 39:47 - 39:51
    They catch them, but they had the
    divine witness protection program.
  • 39:52 - 39:54
    Find the priest,
    here's the pedophile,
  • 39:54 - 39:56
    here's the priest,
    find the pedophile...
  • 40:01 - 40:05
    Don't you ask, don't you tell,
    you might end up right in Hell.
  • 40:05 - 40:09
    Here's your check, direct from Rome,
    buy yourself a brand new home.
  • 40:09 - 40:13
    Isn't it amazing?
    The Pope...
  • 40:19 - 40:21
    Applause break number two.
  • 40:22 - 40:25
    It was amazing when the Pope gathered
    all the cardinals in Rome and went...
  • 40:27 - 40:30
    The only problem is, he's dressed
    like Liberace's stunt double.
  • 40:32 - 40:34
    I have a solution, though!
  • 40:34 - 40:37
    For problem priests, a little shock
    collar, going near a kid it's like,
  • 40:38 - 40:39
    "You know, Timmy..."
  • 40:42 - 40:43
    "Tommy, I think..."
  • 40:45 - 40:46
    Or the automated confessional,
    could be fun.
  • 40:47 - 40:49
    "If this is a venal sin, press one".
  • 40:51 - 40:53
    "If this is a carnal sin, press two".
  • 40:53 - 40:56
    "If this is cardinal Law,
    please stay on the line".
  • 40:57 - 41:01
    "Because you have to remember,
    it's not just a sin, it's a felony"!
  • 41:01 - 41:03
    So we have to keep track!
  • 41:12 - 41:16
    Right now they're up there watching.
    "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft".
  • 41:17 - 41:21
    We're now under the offices
    of Homeland Security.
  • 41:21 - 41:25
    Tom Ridge ever so often goes,
    "Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"!
  • 41:26 - 41:29
    They had to be very careful picking
    that name "Homeland Security".
  • 41:30 - 41:32
    Couldn't say Fatherland because
    a lot of the old Germans are going
  • 41:32 - 41:34
    "That's a good one"!
  • 41:35 - 41:38
    But Homeland Security, it
    sounds like Homefront Security,
  • 41:38 - 41:40
    which was England during WWII.
  • 41:41 - 41:44
    Old men with pitchforks and colostomy
    bags, defending England!
  • 41:45 - 41:47
    There they were,
    Rudolph has personally...
  • 41:47 - 41:50
    "I threw my colostomy bag,
    covered him in shite"
  • 41:50 - 41:53
    and said "Get out of that fokker,
    you fucker, get out"!
  • 41:55 - 41:58
    And I also find out now,
    that Winston Churchill,
  • 41:58 - 42:01
    one of the greatest
    orators of all time,
  • 42:01 - 42:05
    may have been so fucked
    up on cognac and champagne,
  • 42:05 - 42:08
    that he didn't do some
    of his great speeches.
  • 42:08 - 42:13
    They were done by a man from the BBC,
    who also did "Winnie the Pooh".
  • 42:14 - 42:18
    "We will fight them on the beaches,
    in the air, on the land"!
  • 42:18 - 42:20
    "Eeyore and Tigger"!
  • 42:22 - 42:25
    And, he was fighting against Hitler!
  • 42:25 - 42:28
    A man who recently a book
    declared was a homosexual,
  • 42:28 - 42:29
    and I always thought
    this was a clue!
  • 42:30 - 42:33
    That and the leather and the dancing!
  • 42:36 - 42:38
    We are now finding ourselves
    once again drown to England
  • 42:38 - 42:39
    during these troubled times.
  • 42:39 - 42:41
    Tony Blair, a militant liberal.
  • 42:41 - 42:44
    Over here, George W. Bush,
    compassionate conservative.
  • 42:45 - 42:48
    Sounds kinda like a Volvo
    with a gun rack, but...
  • 42:50 - 42:54
    Over here, Tony Blair, a man who
    must adress the House of Commons,
  • 42:54 - 42:57
    which is like Congress, with a
    two drink minimum, crazy place!
  • 42:58 - 43:02
    - I believe my worthy opponents...
    - Oh, fuck off!
  • 43:02 - 43:05
    "Shite, bollocks, you bastard!
    Fuck you"!
  • 43:05 - 43:07
    Would someone remove
    Ms. Tatcher from the chamber?
  • 43:10 - 43:14
    Tony said, "This heinous
    incident has brought us"
  • 43:14 - 43:15
    "to the edge of oblivion..."
  • 43:15 - 43:17
    "But our civilization shall endure"!
  • 43:17 - 43:21
    And there's poor W. going,
    "Shit, I can't even spell that".
  • 43:23 - 43:27
    Cause you look at Bush
    and you realize it's Bush 2.0.
  • 43:28 - 43:32
    It's a beta release. He came with
    certain bugs in the software.
  • 43:32 - 43:34
    "This country will
    not be taken hostile,"
  • 43:34 - 43:37
    oops, delete, delete, "hostage".
  • 43:38 - 43:42
    And you look at him and realize
    he has a short attention spam.
  • 43:42 - 43:45
    "Our economy is going...
    oh, look at the kitty".
  • 43:48 - 43:51
    He kinda reminds me of the guy in
    college with a towel going, "Gotcha"!
  • 43:54 - 43:55
    You just don't want him to drive.
  • 43:56 - 43:59
    Some men are born great,
    some achieve greatness,
  • 43:59 - 44:02
    some get it as a graduation gift.
    That's OK!
  • 44:03 - 44:05
    Historically...
  • 44:08 - 44:11
    You must look at it
    from a historical perspective.
  • 44:11 - 44:13
    He's George the second.
    The boy-king.
  • 44:13 - 44:16
    A man we thought could
    only lose, but somehow won,
  • 44:16 - 44:18
    because of confused Hebrews.
    Yes!
  • 44:21 - 44:26
    W. doesn't speak while Channey's
    drinking water. Check that shit out!
  • 44:31 - 44:32
    When everything went down,
  • 44:32 - 44:35
    they put W. out there, but
    they protected Channey.
  • 44:39 - 44:43
    Channey had an angioplasty.
    Most people wait 'til it heals.
  • 44:43 - 44:45
    He was like,
    "I'm perfectly fine"!
  • 44:46 - 44:49
    "I'm OK"!
  • 44:50 - 44:54
    And there's Ashcroft in the back,
    "Work the arms, you asshole"!
  • 44:55 - 44:59
    You have to remember,
    John Ashcroft is a man
  • 44:59 - 45:01
    who lost to a dead man in Missouri.
  • 45:02 - 45:07
    Choices in Missouri were
    John Ashcroft, Dead Man.
  • 45:08 - 45:09
    And people in Missouri went,
  • 45:09 - 45:14
    "I'm sorry John, the dead man
    scares me less than you do".
  • 45:21 - 45:24
    Here's the drill for me.
    You know what's strange?
  • 45:27 - 45:29
    It doesn't scare me that
    W. waved at Stevie Wonder.
  • 45:29 - 45:31
    That's OK.
  • 45:35 - 45:37
    Stevie's only been blind since birth!
  • 45:38 - 45:40
    And there's W. going,
    "Stevie"!
  • 45:41 - 45:45
    Even Stevie Wonder's going,
    "Is that motherfucker waving at me"?
  • 45:46 - 45:51
    "Does he think I'm looking
    for him? Goddamn"!
  • 45:52 - 45:54
    No! What scares me,
  • 45:55 - 45:58
    is that W. almost died
    from a fucking pretzel.
  • 46:00 - 46:02
    We have billions of
    dollars in national defense.
  • 46:02 - 46:05
    They want billions more
    for national security.
  • 46:06 - 46:09
    And he almost fucking goes
    down from snack food!
  • 46:10 - 46:13
    Secret Service are going
    "Game's over, man"!
  • 46:13 - 46:16
    "Gilligan's down.
    Gilligan's down".
  • 46:18 - 46:21
    "Step away from the chip, sir"!
  • 46:22 - 46:25
    We have to have people go
    "Hydrate, you bastard"!
  • 46:27 - 46:30
    His own dogs didnt' give a shit.
    They were licking him for the salt.
  • 46:35 - 46:37
    You need a dog that cares.
    A dog like Lassie, who'd go...
  • 46:41 - 46:43
    "What's wrong, Lassie?
    The President swallowed something"
  • 46:43 - 46:44
    "and you did the Heimlich"?
  • 46:46 - 46:47
    "What else, girl"?
  • 46:49 - 46:52
    "Mr. Channey is meeting
    with the Enron people"?
  • 46:54 - 46:58
    "An Enron employee
    is secretary of the Navy"?
  • 46:59 - 47:00
    "What about the Harken loan"?
  • 47:01 - 47:03
    "Sorry, girl, we gonna
    have to put you down".
  • 47:04 - 47:09
    Oh, Kenny Boy.
    The Feds, the Feds are coming.
  • 47:16 - 47:20
    Welcome, boys and girls,
    to Disney's new ride.
  • 47:20 - 47:22
    Investment pirates of the Caribbean.
  • 47:23 - 47:26
    Your money checks in,
    it doesn't check out.
  • 47:30 - 47:32
    Sometimes you catch George unprepared
    and he says unusual things.
  • 47:33 - 47:38
    - Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do?
    - We're gonna conduct a crusade.
  • 47:39 - 47:41
    And everybody in the room went...
  • 47:41 - 47:44
    Ix-nay on the ucrade-say!
  • 47:46 - 47:51
    All throughout the Middle East...
  • 47:51 - 47:55
    Hide the women and children and
    the number zero, they're coming!
  • 47:55 - 47:58
    And you can't bomb the Afghanis
    back to the stone age
  • 47:58 - 48:00
    because they'll go
    "Upgrade. Fun"!
  • 48:02 - 48:06
    Today's bombing raid has enlarged the
    hole from yesterday's bombing raid.
  • 48:06 - 48:09
    We have moved trouble
    from here, to here.
  • 48:09 - 48:12
    Goat in the upper right corner,
    possible member of the Taliban,
  • 48:12 - 48:14
    or "concubine", we're not sure.
  • 48:14 - 48:18
    We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise
    missile up its ass and were successful.
  • 48:19 - 48:22
    Operation "Extreme Redundancy"
    is carrying on!
  • 48:23 - 48:28
    Then we started to drop bombs,
    food, food, bombs.
  • 48:28 - 48:30
    And here's the fun part.
  • 48:30 - 48:32
    Some of the bombs were
    little yellow bombs,
  • 48:32 - 48:35
    and the food packages were
    little yellow packages.
  • 48:35 - 48:38
    So now you're playing
    "Survivor The Real Game".
  • 48:39 - 48:43
    "OK Bob, I was here yesterday...
    I'm gonna go for this one today..."
  • 48:44 - 48:46
    And what was in those packages?
  • 48:47 - 48:49
    Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,
  • 48:49 - 48:52
    and all you need is honey-baked ham
    and you got a Redneck Christmas.
  • 48:54 - 48:57
    Who dropped the honey-baked ham
    on the Muslims?
  • 48:59 - 49:03
    Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts
    and peanut butter on Afghanistan?
  • 49:03 - 49:06
    Number one, it tastes a shit load
    better than dirt.
  • 49:07 - 49:09
    Number two and more importantly,
  • 49:09 - 49:11
    very difficult
    to have a call to Jihad
  • 49:11 - 49:13
    with a mouth full of peanut butter.
  • 49:20 - 49:24
    Secondly, or thirdly,
    for those keeping track...
  • 49:25 - 49:29
    Afghanistan is a hasheesh
    smoking culture.
  • 49:29 - 49:31
    And everyone who's ever been
    a friend of the Hooka will go,
  • 49:32 - 49:34
    "Pop-Tarts"!
  • 49:42 - 49:45
    Yes! Got milk?
    Come and get me!
  • 49:46 - 49:49
    We're trying to win hearts
    and minds. How do we do that?
  • 49:49 - 49:53
    Do we build an amusement park
    "Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No!
  • 49:55 - 49:57
    Do we have a wet burger contest? No!
  • 49:58 - 50:02
    Do we play Cat Stevens
    records all day? Fuck off!
  • 50:06 - 50:08
    Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No!
  • 50:09 - 50:12
    Do we have a children show
    called "Saudi Dudi"? No!
  • 50:14 - 50:18
    What we must do is we gotta get
    a sister. You know what I'm sayin'?
  • 50:18 - 50:21
    You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn.
  • 50:21 - 50:24
    You know what I mean, a-ha, girl?
    You know what I'm sayin'?
  • 50:24 - 50:27
    One of those bitches you
    see on Jerry Springer.
  • 50:27 - 50:29
    Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go,
  • 50:29 - 50:34
    "Girl, you don't have to dress
    like a mother fucking bee keeper"!
  • 50:37 - 50:40
    "You don't have to be
    Casper's bitch, forget all that"!
  • 50:43 - 50:45
    "If he picks up a rock, cause
    you're talking to another man,"
  • 50:45 - 50:49
    you pick a bigger rock and say
    "Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"!
  • 50:50 - 50:52
    "He tries to cut off your clitoris,
    make you a Barbie doll,"
  • 50:53 - 50:56
    you grab a knife and say
    "Lorena Bobbit time"!
  • 50:56 - 51:00
    "Don't make me go cobra, I will go
    Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"!
  • 51:01 - 51:03
    We're dealing with fundamentalists...
  • 51:03 - 51:04
    The Amish are fundamentalists,
    but they don't try
  • 51:04 - 51:06
    and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.
  • 51:07 - 51:10
    And, if you're ever in Amish
    country and you see a man
  • 51:10 - 51:13
    with his hand buried in a
    horse's ass, that's a mechanic.
  • 51:16 - 51:19
    Who are we looking for?
  • 51:19 - 51:22
    Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children.
  • 51:22 - 51:25
    Even Freud would say,
    "He has issues".
  • 51:25 - 51:27
    What does he look
    like without the beard?
  • 51:27 - 51:30
    Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand?
    I don't know, I don't care!
  • 51:30 - 51:34
    I know this he's a six foot five
    Arab on dialysis...
  • 51:35 - 51:37
    Why is that so fucking hard to find?
  • 51:38 - 51:43
    Look for somebody attached
    to their luggage.
  • 51:45 - 51:49
    When you see the tapes
    of him, you see a psychopath.
  • 51:50 - 51:53
    Wait a minute.
    We have some of our own!
  • 51:54 - 51:57
    Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around
    with nothing to do.
  • 51:57 - 52:00
    Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind",
    the home game.
  • 52:01 - 52:04
    You give Ted a mailing list
    and some tools...
  • 52:04 - 52:06
    Ted, these people have been bad.
  • 52:06 - 52:09
    - Are they bad?
    - Very bad!
  • 52:09 - 52:12
    - I just want a few things.
    - I know you do!
  • 52:13 - 52:17
    Or we get Charles Manson. Great
    organizer, incredible with chicks.
  • 52:17 - 52:19
    You can't use him.
  • 52:19 - 52:21
    Chucky all the time
    comes out for parole
  • 52:21 - 52:23
    with a swastika on his forehead.
  • 52:23 - 52:26
    - I'm better.
    - In many ways, yeah.
  • 52:26 - 52:28
    - What would you do if you got out?
    - I'd kill everybody.
  • 52:31 - 52:33
    What are we dealing with?
  • 52:33 - 52:37
    One of the fundamental
    things is in a Jihad.
  • 52:37 - 52:40
    Sounds like a country
    western term like "jee-ha"!
  • 52:41 - 52:44
    And if you are in a Jihad
    and you kill an infidel
  • 52:44 - 52:46
    which, I'm sad to say, is all of us,
  • 52:46 - 52:48
    and you yourself die...
  • 52:48 - 52:50
    you go to heaven
    and you are greated
  • 52:50 - 52:52
    by 71 dark-haired virgins.
  • 52:52 - 52:54
    Now everyone who's ever been
    with one virgin is going...
  • 52:54 - 52:56
    "I don't know..."
  • 52:58 - 53:00
    "For my talent portion..."
  • 53:02 - 53:05
    Recently, there was a
    article in the New York Times,
  • 53:05 - 53:07
    a Coran scholar said
  • 53:07 - 53:10
    "The actual translation is not
    71 dark-haired virgins,"
  • 53:10 - 53:13
    "but 71 crystal clear raisins".
  • 53:16 - 53:19
    Slight difference in
    interpretation, really.
  • 53:20 - 53:23
    It's like finding out "thou shalt not
    kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt".
  • 53:25 - 53:28
    And the Scotish are going,
    "Fuck off"!
  • 53:28 - 53:31
    Imagine some guy blows himself up,
    goes to the gates of Heaven sayin',
  • 53:32 - 53:34
    - Where are my bitches?
    - Here're your raisins.
  • 53:36 - 53:39
    Or 71 Virgils going,
    "You got a pretty mouth"!
  • 53:42 - 53:45
    Ossama Bin Laden goes
    to the gates of Heaven,
  • 53:45 - 53:46
    there's George Washington waiting,
  • 53:46 - 53:48
    "How dare you defile that
    what we created"
  • 53:48 - 53:49
    and starts violating on his ass.
  • 53:50 - 53:54
    70 other members of the Congress
    start kicking the shit outta him.
  • 53:54 - 53:56
    And then he's going,
    "Where're the virgins"?
  • 53:56 - 53:59
    "71 Virginians, you asshole"!
  • 54:03 - 54:05
    "I must talk to Jesus Christ"!
  • 54:06 - 54:07
    "Where is Jesus Christ"?
  • 54:08 - 54:11
    And Saint Peter goes,
    "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"?
  • 54:16 - 54:19
    I heard it. Finally the PCs.
  • 54:19 - 54:21
    We crossed
    the politically correct line.
  • 54:21 - 54:24
    It's OK to beat the shit out of them,
    but don't do the Ethnic joke.
  • 54:28 - 54:30
    How Buddhist of you!
  • 54:30 - 54:32
    Remember when they
    destroyed the two Buddhas?
  • 54:32 - 54:34
    What did Buddha do?
    Nothing!
  • 54:34 - 54:36
    What does the Buddhist terrorist do?
  • 54:36 - 54:40
    Goes in the middle of the street,
    takes the gas... Self barbecue!
  • 54:40 - 54:42
    People're killing each other
    in the name of God're going,
  • 54:42 - 54:44
    "What the fuck are you doing"?
  • 54:44 - 54:46
    "Making you deal
    with your shit".
  • 54:46 - 54:49
    I don't understand the whole
    fundamentalist thing.
  • 54:49 - 54:51
    I'm an Episcopal.
    That's catholic light.
  • 54:53 - 54:57
    Same religion, half the guilt.
    It's frightening.
  • 54:57 - 55:00
    Catholics have confession,
    episcopals have
  • 55:00 - 55:03
    Thanks Giving, your dad
    has a couple of gin and tonics...
  • 55:04 - 55:07
    "I never loved you mother,
    you know that, don't ya"!?
  • 55:08 - 55:11
    "I didn't, dad. And she's
    right there. Tell her again".
  • 55:13 - 55:18
    Episcopal is basicly Church of
    England which was Henry the 8th
  • 55:18 - 55:21
    breaking away from the Catholic Church
    going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"!
  • 55:22 - 55:25
    Then people broke
    away from that church,
  • 55:25 - 55:28
    the Calvinists found him
    to be too loose.
  • 55:28 - 55:32
    Then the Puritans broke away from
    the Calvinists, our ancestors,
  • 55:32 - 55:35
    people so uptight, the
    English kicked them out.
  • 55:35 - 55:41
    How anal do you have to be for the
    English to go "Get the fuck out"!
  • 55:41 - 55:44
    "Take your pimp shoes and go"!
  • 55:45 - 55:48
    And they land here in
    America going "Hello"!
  • 55:48 - 55:51
    "We bring you guilt,
    syphilis and alcohol".
  • 55:51 - 55:54
    "Here chief, try this
    and once you drunk it,"
  • 55:54 - 55:56
    "keep moving towards your
    feathers float. There you go"!
  • 55:57 - 56:00
    And the Indians go
    "We have a gift for you".
  • 56:00 - 56:05
    "For us is a sacred herb. For you
    it will be an addictive carcinogen".
  • 56:05 - 56:11
    "Tobacco is a lot of fun.
    And a good cash crop, yeah".
  • 56:19 - 56:23
    "Welcome to Custers.
    The Casino that cares".
  • 56:23 - 56:26
    "This is my wife,
    Sits-with-a-full-house".
  • 56:27 - 56:29
    "It is now time for the
    white man to get drunk,"
  • 56:29 - 56:32
    "and we'll get back the land
    you took from us".
  • 56:33 - 56:39
    The Puritans stayed here
    and groups broke away from them
  • 56:39 - 56:42
    and then we got the people
    who knock on your door
  • 56:42 - 56:44
    at 6:30 in the morning
    on Sunday going,
  • 56:44 - 56:46
    "Have you found Jesus"?
  • 56:47 - 56:48
    You just wanna come to
    the door nude and go
  • 56:48 - 56:51
    "No, help me look for him!
    Come on"!
  • 56:54 - 56:58
    People like Pat Robinson
    and Jerry Falwell say
  • 56:58 - 57:00
    "This was brought upon
    us by our sinful ways".
  • 57:00 - 57:03
    I wanna put them on a plane,
    take them to the ayatollah
  • 57:03 - 57:05
    and have world wide
    fundamentalist wrestling.
  • 57:05 - 57:10
    "One time only. A life after death
    match for all of our souls".
  • 57:10 - 57:13
    "Let's get ready to humble"!
  • 57:13 - 57:17
    Here's the drill. Fundamentalists
    take it to be "the word".
  • 57:17 - 57:19
    Not translatable, not metaphorical,
    "the word".
  • 57:20 - 57:23
    In the Genesis, "Let there be light"!
    Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?
  • 57:23 - 57:25
    "No. God just went click".
  • 57:27 - 57:31
    We are all descendant from Adam
    and Eve, then we are all cousins?
  • 57:31 - 57:32
    "That's right"!
  • 57:37 - 57:39
    There are miracles in the Bible.
  • 57:39 - 57:43
    Like when Moses, and I'm not
    talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no!
  • 57:44 - 57:45
    Not Charlton Heston going,
  • 57:45 - 57:48
    "Let the Jews go or the pharaoh
    gets two in the head"!
  • 57:49 - 57:50
    Charlton Heston,
    a man who said,
  • 57:50 - 57:54
    "Guns don't kill people.
    Apes with guns kill people".
  • 57:54 - 57:57
    No, Chucky! The second amendment
  • 57:57 - 57:59
    started from people
    going like this...
  • 57:59 - 58:01
    And that still continues.
    That's OK!
  • 58:01 - 58:05
    When Moses said to pharaoh
    "Let my people go".
  • 58:05 - 58:08
    And pharaoh went
    "In your dreams"!
  • 58:08 - 58:11
    And Moses called the God,
    "God, I need some help"!
  • 58:11 - 58:14
    And frogs fell from the sky.
  • 58:15 - 58:19
    Or maybe there were Jews
    with catapults going "Now"!
  • 58:20 - 58:25
    Thank God it wasn't the French,
    cause they would go "Lunch"!
  • 58:25 - 58:29
    "You're great caterers, I can't
    let you go, you crazy people"!
  • 58:30 - 58:36
    Frogs fell from the sky. I would
    be going "Get your shit and out"!
  • 58:36 - 58:40
    I said wait a minute! That's what
    we should drop on Afghanistan.
  • 58:40 - 58:43
    Not bombs, not food...
    Fucking frogs!
  • 58:44 - 58:46
    Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils,
    shit they haven't seen.
  • 58:48 - 58:52
    If you wanna get people out
    of caves, a shit load of NY rats.
  • 58:57 - 59:01
    NY rats would be going
    "Hey, come on, raid"!
  • 59:01 - 59:03
    "I eat pussy literarly.
    Bring it on"!
  • 59:05 - 59:09
    Even then pharaoh was not impressed
    "Please, David Copperfield, no"!
  • 59:10 - 59:12
    And then boils and
    then first born dies.
  • 59:12 - 59:15
    "That's it! Hebrews get out"!
  • 59:15 - 59:16
    And everybody...
  • 59:18 - 59:20
    "Let's not wait for the bread to rise".
  • 59:20 - 59:23
    "Just get the crackers and the skin
    off your penis, we're leaving"!
  • 59:25 - 59:26
    Excuse me! Why the skin
    off the penis?
  • 59:27 - 59:29
    "We're travelling, people.
    You don't want sand in there".
  • 59:30 - 59:34
    "And this is so passe! The dicky
    thing, forget it. Let's move"!
  • 59:35 - 59:37
    We're going to the desert.
    Then they get the 10 commandments,
  • 59:37 - 59:39
    that would be ajusted later
    by certain presidents.
  • 59:41 - 59:43
    And they get to the Red Sea.
  • 59:43 - 59:47
    And they go "What now,
    Mr. Magic, what do we do now"?
  • 59:47 - 59:50
    We're gonna walk on the
    "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"...
  • 59:50 - 59:52
    Frogs backs!
  • 59:52 - 59:55
    Thank you for watching me this far.
  • 59:56 - 59:59
    Obviously, I did inhale.
  • 60:03 - 60:05
    "What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"?
  • 60:05 - 60:08
    And he calls to God again
    and the sea parts.
  • 60:09 - 60:12
    And even the most doubting
    Jew is going "You're good"!
  • 60:12 - 60:18
    Let's move, don't eat the shellfish,
    I'll tell you why later.
  • 60:19 - 60:20
    Where are we going?
  • 60:21 - 60:23
    "To Jerusalem to start
    years of struggling,"
  • 60:23 - 60:26
    "and later to Miami
    to fuck up an election".
  • 60:31 - 60:34
    And then the pharaoh comes, the sea
    closes and he calls to his cat-like God
  • 60:34 - 60:38
    but the cat-like God can't do shit,
    cause it's afraid of water.
  • 60:42 - 60:44
    And then there's another miracle.
  • 60:45 - 60:50
    The night that Mary said to Joe
    "Joe, I'm pregnant".
  • 60:50 - 60:53
    Joe went "Holy Mother of God"!
    She went "You're right"!
  • 60:55 - 60:59
    - Oh, Jesus Christ!
    - What a great name, Joe!
  • 60:59 - 61:02
    "That is so much better
    than Shmul. Way to go"!
  • 61:02 - 61:05
    - I love you, Joe!
    - Hold on a minute, Mary.
  • 61:05 - 61:07
    - So I'm the step father of God's kid?
    - Yeah.
  • 61:08 - 61:10
    "I can't discipline him,
    I can't tell him he's wrong,"
  • 61:10 - 61:12
    cause he'll look to me saying
    "You're not my real dad".
  • 61:13 - 61:15
    - How did it happen?
    - It's immaculate, Joe.
  • 61:15 - 61:19
    "It better be, Mary!
    It better be immaculate"!
  • 61:19 - 61:24
    I'm sorry I'm transforming
    Joe into Ralph Cramdon.
  • 61:26 - 61:31
    Up to that point, all the names
    in the Bible are very Jewish.
  • 61:31 - 61:35
    You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee
    and then you get Mary and Joe.
  • 61:35 - 61:39
    We're just a hyphenate away
    from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.
  • 61:40 - 61:42
    We could've had Jim Bob,
    the son of God.
  • 61:43 - 61:46
    Praise to him, Jim-Bob.
  • 61:46 - 61:52
    He, who finds the stuff
    And gets me a job, Jim-Bob!
  • 61:52 - 61:56
    Jesus was an only child.
    Thank God!
  • 61:56 - 62:00
    Who would want to be Jerry,
    the brother of Christ?
  • 62:02 - 62:04
    That's a tough gig.
  • 62:04 - 62:05
    "Come on, Jerry,
    we're going to the beach".
  • 62:05 - 62:09
    "Jesus's gonna walk on the water,
    feed everybody, heal them"
  • 62:09 - 62:10
    "and get a whole buch
    of disciples".
  • 62:10 - 62:13
    "I'll sat there with a rash and sand
    in my ass. Great day for me"!
  • 62:16 - 62:21
    He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going
    "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"!
  • 62:23 - 62:28
    "Yeah, I healed sombody. Come
    here Spot, heel! Look at that"!
  • 62:30 - 62:34
    "Jesus is a carpenter, I'm
    a plumber. You do the math"!
  • 62:36 - 62:39
    And people say to me Jesus wasn't
    Jewish. Of course he was Jewish!
  • 62:40 - 62:43
    Thirty years old, single, living
    at home with his parents, come on.
  • 62:44 - 62:45
    Working in his father's business,
  • 62:45 - 62:48
    his mother thought he was
    God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
  • 62:49 - 62:51
    It's an old tradition!
  • 62:52 - 62:55
    And if he was Jewish, and many
    of his Disciples were Jewish,
  • 62:55 - 62:59
    for the Last Supper, would they
    have not gone out for Chinese?
  • 63:00 - 63:02
    "Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on
    one minute, no service, no sandals".
  • 63:03 - 63:04
    "OK, you come in now".
  • 63:04 - 63:08
    "You're twelve. All I got is two
    tables of six. They're not together".
  • 63:09 - 63:14
    "I got one big table by the window,
    but you all have to face this way".
  • 63:18 - 63:22
    "You are glowing, so I guess we won't
    need that lamp, that's very nice"!
  • 63:23 - 63:26
    "You've just turned a Szechwan chicken
    into a live chicken, you very good!"
  • 63:28 - 63:32
    It's said that night, Jesus
    turned to his disciples,
  • 63:32 - 63:34
    and said "One of you
    shall betray me".
  • 63:35 - 63:38
    Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
    Jesus said, "It is not you Peter".
  • 63:38 - 63:42
    Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
    Jesus said, "It is not you Simon".
  • 63:42 - 63:44
    And Judas said
    "Is it me, Jesus"?
  • 63:44 - 63:47
    And Jesus turned to him
    "Is it me, Jesus"!?
  • 63:49 - 63:51
    Thus you see
    two traditions beginning
  • 63:51 - 63:55
    Jewish sarcasm and gentile
    humor. Together born!
  • 63:56 - 64:00
    The next day the miracle occured.
    Crucifixion, Resurrection,
  • 64:00 - 64:03
    and he rose again from the
    dead and if he sees his shadow
  • 64:03 - 64:05
    another 2,000 years of guilt.
    Yes!
  • 64:06 - 64:11
    For me, the one big question is how
    do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection
  • 64:11 - 64:14
    and then chocholate bunnies,
    coloured eggs?
  • 64:16 - 64:17
    How do you do that one?
  • 64:18 - 64:21
    Even kids are going "Rabbits
    don't lay eggs. What is this"?
  • 64:22 - 64:25
    And you don't want a kid bitting
    the head off a chocholate Jesus.
  • 64:27 - 64:30
    You don't want a cream
    filled cross going...
  • 64:31 - 64:33
    You don't wanna put raspberry
    jam in the grass going
  • 64:33 - 64:35
    "We're looking for Jesus,
    kids, come one"!
  • 64:36 - 64:39
    What are we trying to do?
    You're trying to keep them involved.
  • 64:39 - 64:42
    That's why we have all the saints
    that did all those amazing things.
  • 64:44 - 64:46
    They're all there
    to keep your action up.
  • 64:46 - 64:49
    And then we're starting
    to lose them.
  • 64:49 - 64:50
    Like Saint Christopher...
  • 64:50 - 64:53
    "Chris, sorry, babe.
    Dashboard sales are down".
  • 64:55 - 64:56
    "The medals aren't selling well".
  • 64:56 - 64:59
    "Drop the kid off your back, pick
    up your stuff, you're outta here".
  • 64:59 - 65:02
    "We're gonna have Saint Prada,
    all ladies accesories".
  • 65:04 - 65:07
    But I want a saint
    like Mother Teresa.
  • 65:07 - 65:11
    She said "You can do only
    small things with great love".
  • 65:11 - 65:13
    And Pat Robinson said
    "She's not a real Christian"!
  • 65:13 - 65:17
    "Why? Cause she doesn't have
    tag shelther and a university"?
  • 65:17 - 65:21
    Mother Teresa never had a line
    of products, her own perfume...
  • 65:22 - 65:25
    "Compassion" by Mother Teresa.
  • 65:25 - 65:28
    "I smell, because I care.
    Compassion"!
  • 65:28 - 65:31
    Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"...
  • 65:32 - 65:36
    "Whether you're simply not eating or
    telling the English to get the fuck out"!
  • 65:36 - 65:39
    "They come in size one and below".
  • 65:41 - 65:43
    Gandhi was an amazing man.
  • 65:43 - 65:45
    They asked him "What do you
    think about Western civilization"?
  • 65:45 - 65:48
    He said "I think it would
    be a wonderful idea".
  • 65:48 - 65:54
    As beatific as Gandhi was, there
    was somebody in a Bombay bar going
  • 65:54 - 65:58
    "I know Gandhi.
    He was a prick".
  • 66:00 - 66:03
    "I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog,
    hitting on Mother Teresa".
  • 66:03 - 66:07
    "He kept saying
    Who's your diaper daddy"?
  • 66:09 - 66:11
    "I saw that with my eyes".
  • 66:11 - 66:14
    "If you don't believe me, I'll
    bitch slap you like Shiva".
  • 66:16 - 66:19
    "Don't press this.
    Don't fucking do that"!
  • 66:19 - 66:21
    "Don't go ding-dong,
    you asshole"!
  • 66:22 - 66:24
    "Cause India has the
    atomic bomb, my friend".
  • 66:24 - 66:27
    "I could turn this whole
    place into Chicken Tika".
  • 66:28 - 66:30
    India has the bomb.
    Pakistan has the bomb.
  • 66:30 - 66:31
    And we're prepared
    to fight over Kashmir.
  • 66:31 - 66:35
    And your president probably thought
    it was a sweater. What an asshole!
  • 66:36 - 66:41
    India detonated
    700 ground nuclear tests.
  • 66:41 - 66:43
    Pakistan detonated
    700 ground nuclear tests.
  • 66:43 - 66:46
    And your spy satelites were
    like Ray Charles in the Louvre.
  • 66:46 - 66:48
    They didn't have a fucking clue.
  • 66:49 - 66:52
    India has the bomb.
    Pakistan has the bomb.
  • 66:52 - 66:53
    China has the bomb.
  • 66:53 - 66:57
    Or maybe they just have one
    billion people go "Boom"!
  • 66:58 - 67:02
    Russia has the bomb.
    "We have many bombs".
  • 67:02 - 67:05
    "We don't know
    where they all are"!
  • 67:07 - 67:10
    Maybe you want a dirty bomb.
  • 67:11 - 67:14
    And the French have a bomb, too.
  • 67:14 - 67:17
    Maybe they have the Michelin
    bomb that only destroys
  • 67:17 - 67:19
    restaurants under four stars.
  • 67:20 - 67:24
    They still test their bombs.
    They still detonate their bombs.
  • 67:24 - 67:25
    Where did they do
    the undeground test?
  • 67:25 - 67:27
    In the Sahara,
    in the total wasteland?
  • 67:27 - 67:31
    No, fuck off!
    In Tahiti! In paradise.
  • 67:32 - 67:35
    Why?
    "Because we're French".
  • 67:35 - 67:37
    "Oh, look a Green Peace
    boat's come to protest".
  • 67:37 - 67:39
    "Fuck off, I sink you".
  • 67:39 - 67:42
    "I'm the baddest mother
    fucker, am I not"?
  • 67:42 - 67:45
    "Look, I'm giving a
    cigarette to a baby".
  • 67:46 - 67:51
    "Suck on the cigarette.
    Life is shit. Get to know this".
  • 67:52 - 67:55
    "You, Americans.
    Fuck all of you Americans"!
  • 67:57 - 68:01
    "Americans, you politically correct.
    You cultureless crack Americans".
  • 68:02 - 68:04
    "We hate all of you.
    Fuck off"!
  • 68:04 - 68:08
    "The Germans are here...
    Hello, Americans"!
  • 68:09 - 68:14
    "I love you!
    Come on, Americans".
  • 68:16 - 68:18
    "Welcome back, Americans"!
  • 68:19 - 68:21
    "You can build a Disneyland
    near Paris".
  • 68:22 - 68:25
    "We won't go, but build it".
  • 68:25 - 68:29
    "It will have a Minnie mouse with
    armpit hair. It will be great"!
  • 68:29 - 68:33
    Smoking a Galloise, going
    "I never loved Mickey".
  • 68:34 - 68:38
    "He has three fingers. What am I,
    a bowling ball? Fuck off"!
  • 68:39 - 68:40
    "Don't love him"!
  • 68:45 - 68:48
    But there is one country
    that watches out for all of us
  • 68:48 - 68:52
    the Swiss, ya!
    The Geneva Convention.
  • 68:52 - 68:55
    If there's ever a nuclear war,
    they will be the only people going
  • 68:55 - 68:57
    "What was that noise"?
  • 68:58 - 68:59
    In their big hollowed out country,
  • 69:00 - 69:02
    with their chocholate
    and their watches. Ya!
  • 69:02 - 69:05
    The nice Germans. Ya!
  • 69:05 - 69:08
    Or, as they like to say,
    "the other white race".
  • 69:09 - 69:11
    I have only one question.
  • 69:11 - 69:17
    How can you trust an army, that
    has a wine opener on it's knife?
  • 69:18 - 69:22
    "Many of you, men, have never
    opened Chardonnay under fire".
  • 69:25 - 69:30
    "You take out the wine bottle,
    pull out the cock and throw"!
  • 69:30 - 69:34
    "I don't know, but I've been told,
    Chardonnay must be self-cold".
  • 69:35 - 69:40
    My God! Where did all this
    Impresionistic art come from?
  • 69:40 - 69:43
    And all these jewelry
    from 1939 to 1945?
  • 69:44 - 69:47
    Fairies must've brought
    it during the night.
  • 69:48 - 69:51
    I have to do the Heimlich and
    cough up an account number.
  • 69:53 - 69:54
    I know this one thing...
  • 69:54 - 69:59
    I know there's one country that is not
    developing a weapon of destruction.
  • 69:59 - 70:02
    That does not have a secret
    weapon's lab up in the mountains.
  • 70:02 - 70:04
    Jamaica!
  • 70:07 - 70:09
    Jamaica would never make
    an atomic bomb.
  • 70:10 - 70:13
    They may make
    an atomic bong.
  • 70:13 - 70:17
    But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong
    cause, when the atomic bomb goes off,
  • 70:17 - 70:19
    there's devastation and radiation.
  • 70:20 - 70:24
    When the atomic bong goes off,
    there's celebration!
  • 70:29 - 70:31
    Smokes a split for the communion.
  • 70:31 - 70:32
    If you don't see Jesus then,
    you never will.
  • 70:36 - 70:38
    I know only one thing.
  • 70:38 - 70:41
    I never met me
    an angry pot smoker.
  • 70:42 - 70:47
    I never met a man who said
    "Hey, you fucking prick"!
  • 71:01 - 71:05
    "Oh, fuck"!
  • 71:05 - 71:07
    "What was I gonna do"!?
  • 71:08 - 71:11
    "Hold me, you piece of shit.
    Get over here"!
  • 71:11 - 71:15
    Because you see,
    marihuana...
  • 71:19 - 71:21
    I know this one.
    Wait a minute.
  • 71:29 - 71:31
    If you smoke a lot of pot, you may
    never become a rocket scientist.
  • 71:31 - 71:34
    Or maybe...
  • 71:35 - 71:38
    If you seen some of the things that
    happened recently to NASA, maybe you can.
  • 71:41 - 71:43
    "The Mars lander..."
  • 71:45 - 71:47
    "I did the calculations in feet,"
  • 71:48 - 71:51
    "but I programmed
    the lander in meters".
  • 71:54 - 71:57
    "So, instead of landing,
    fucker burried"!
  • 71:58 - 72:01
    "185 million dollars... oopsy"!
  • 72:01 - 72:03
    "Two years... splat"!
  • 72:03 - 72:06
    "OK, fuck!
    Here's a better one"!
  • 72:08 - 72:11
    "The Hubble Telescope..."
  • 72:11 - 72:14
    "I forgot to put in a lens".
  • 72:15 - 72:18
    Read the top line.
    "Officer Jerry, serial..."
  • 72:18 - 72:20
    "The rest is just a black hole".
  • 72:21 - 72:25
    I once called Steven Hawking's house,
    "Hello, this is Steven Hawking".
  • 72:25 - 72:28
    - Yes, I'd like to leave a message.
    - No, this is Steven Hawking.
  • 72:31 - 72:32
    I know one thing though.
  • 72:32 - 72:36
    Pot is not like alcohol.
    Alcohol changes your moods.
  • 72:36 - 72:40
    Go to a bar at happy hour and see
    some happy motherfuckers there.
  • 72:41 - 72:44
    See those guys going,
    "Hey, fuck you, my man"!
  • 72:46 - 72:48
    "Hey, listen to me".
  • 72:49 - 72:52
    "Listen to me, you piece of shit".
  • 72:53 - 72:57
    "You do not know shit
    about fuck, my man".
  • 73:01 - 73:03
    "You want a piece of yourself"?
  • 73:04 - 73:07
    "Step outside, I'll kick my ass".
  • 73:08 - 73:10
    "I've already shit myself,
    I'm halfway there".
  • 73:13 - 73:17
    Some people know,
    you can deal with it geneticaly.
  • 73:17 - 73:18
    If you're Irish, you've
    got a running start
  • 73:18 - 73:20
    that you can do it
    better than we are.
  • 73:21 - 73:26
    If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass
    but then you'll sing about it, afterwards.
  • 73:26 - 73:28
    "Oh, the night you
    said my wife was fat,"
  • 73:29 - 73:30
    "I knocked you down
    and shit in your hat".
  • 73:35 - 73:39
    And then you keep drinking 'til you're
    in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine,
  • 73:39 - 73:43
    doing liver dancing
    Michael Flatline.
  • 73:43 - 73:46
    And they say the Irish
    saved civilization,
  • 73:46 - 73:47
    drank a couple of Guiness
  • 73:47 - 73:50
    and forgot where they fucking put it.
    But that's all right!
  • 73:50 - 73:55
    The Japanese drink
    differently than us.
  • 73:56 - 73:58
    You could be polite during the day
  • 73:58 - 74:00
    and all of a sudden you're
    "Arigato gozaimas".
  • 74:00 - 74:05
    And after five Jack Daniels...
    "Tie the yellow ribbon"!
  • 74:09 - 74:12
    Karaoke for
    "asshole with a microphone".
  • 74:13 - 74:15
    "Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"!
  • 74:17 - 74:22
    And If you want a linguistic adventure,
    go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
  • 74:22 - 74:26
    Cause you can't fucking
    understand them before...
  • 74:26 - 74:28
    You land in Scotland
    and they're going
  • 74:31 - 74:34
    - Oh, yeah.
    - Oh, yeah?
  • 74:39 - 74:41
    - Sure.
    - Oh, fuck sure, eh?
  • 74:46 - 74:50
    - Sure!
    - Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard.
  • 74:53 - 74:57
    And you realize how drunk they get,
    they could wear a skirt and not care!
  • 74:58 - 75:01
    And how they could invent
    a sport like golf.
  • 75:02 - 75:05
    Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
  • 75:05 - 75:08
    I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
  • 75:09 - 75:11
    - Oh, you mean like pool?
    - Fuck off pool!
  • 75:12 - 75:15
    Not with a straight stick,
    with a little fucked up stick!
  • 75:16 - 75:19
    I whack the ball, it goes
    in a gopher hole.
  • 75:19 - 75:23
    - Oh, you mean like croquet?
    - Fuck croquet!
  • 75:23 - 75:26
    I put the hole hundreds
    of yards away!
  • 75:28 - 75:32
    Oh, fuck yeah!
    There's big fun there!
  • 75:35 - 75:37
    - Oh, like a bowling thing?
    - Fuck no!
  • 75:38 - 75:40
    Not straight,
    I put shit in the way!
  • 75:41 - 75:44
    Like trees and bushes and high grass.
  • 75:44 - 75:47
    So you can lose you fucking ball.
  • 75:47 - 75:50
    And go hacking away
    with a fucking tire iron!
  • 75:50 - 75:54
    Whacking away, and each time you miss
    you feel like you're gonna have a stroke!
  • 75:54 - 75:57
    Fuck that's what we'll
    call it, a stroke,
  • 75:57 - 76:01
    cause each time you miss you
    feel like you're gonna fucking die!
  • 76:02 - 76:05
    Oh great, oh and here's the
    better part. Fuck, this is brilliant!
  • 76:05 - 76:08
    Right near the end,
    I'll put a little flat piece
  • 76:08 - 76:10
    with a little flag to
    give you fucking hope.
  • 76:12 - 76:15
    But then I'll put a
    pool and a sandbox,
  • 76:15 - 76:17
    to fuck with your ball again!
  • 76:18 - 76:22
    You'll be there trashing your ass,
    jerking away in the sand.
  • 76:23 - 76:27
    - And you do this one time?
    - Fuck no!
  • 76:27 - 76:32
    Eighteen fucking times!
  • 76:40 - 76:43
    There you have a sport!
  • 76:43 - 76:44
    The manly sport of golf,
  • 76:44 - 76:47
    where you can dress like a
    pimp and no one will care.
  • 76:47 - 76:53
    Where even a blind gay man would go,
    "Oh, dear Christ"!
  • 76:53 - 76:57
    "Those are loud, this is not carnival!
    What the fuck are you on"?
  • 76:57 - 77:00
    Even the aligator's going,
    "Asshole"!
  • 77:02 - 77:07
    It's such an athletic sport,
    whack the ball, get in the car.
  • 77:08 - 77:10
    Whack the ball,
    get in the car.
  • 77:11 - 77:13
    And the commentary's electrifying.
  • 77:13 - 77:16
    Just this side of Curling,
    for really getting me going.
  • 77:16 - 77:18
    "We're on the third green now".
  • 77:20 - 77:23
    "Could people be quieter,
    I'd like to hear the grass grow".
  • 77:25 - 77:29
    I want the guy who does Mexican
    soccer to do golf one time.
  • 77:31 - 77:33
    "The ball is rolling,
    the ball is going to the..."
  • 77:33 - 77:41
    "Hole"!
  • 77:44 - 77:47
    Just to see all those
    waspy motherfuckers going,
  • 77:47 - 77:49
    "Oh, dear Christ"!
  • 77:49 - 77:53
    "My God, they're not gardening,
    they're playing now, oh, shit"!
  • 77:53 - 77:57
    "What the hell are we gonna do"?
    That was their last domain of dominance.
  • 77:57 - 77:59
    It was their area.
    They were the king.
  • 77:59 - 78:02
    Up until... Tiger!
  • 78:06 - 78:09
    Son of a black man
    and a Thai woman.
  • 78:09 - 78:12
    Not even a German geneticist
    could've thought than one up!
  • 78:13 - 78:17
    Black athletic ability,
    Buddhist concentration.
  • 78:20 - 78:23
    Crouching Potter.
  • 78:23 - 78:26
    And then he goes
    to the British Open,
  • 78:26 - 78:30
    and he plays at Saint Andrews,
    where they fucking invented the sport.
  • 78:30 - 78:33
    And after the forth round,
    he's 18 under par.
  • 78:33 - 78:35
    And there's only 18 fucking holes.
  • 78:36 - 78:40
    And all the old men are going,
    "My God, we're doomed"!
  • 78:40 - 78:44
    "How did he learn to play?
    We wouldn't let him join, dear God"!
  • 78:44 - 78:46
    And they start having nightmares
    of golf carts going...
  • 78:51 - 78:53
    "Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through,"
  • 78:53 - 78:55
    "Whether you're a gentile or a Jew."
  • 78:55 - 78:58
    "Purple beats, motherfucker"!
  • 79:05 - 79:09
    All of your gentle sports are no longer
    gentle. Tennis used to be...
  • 79:13 - 79:14
    Until the Williams sisters...
  • 79:20 - 79:23
    - 40, love?
    - No, that's good love, baby!
  • 79:25 - 79:27
    Even boxing's changed.
  • 79:27 - 79:31
    Remember boxing, people go, "I go
    to boxing to watch the sport of boxing".
  • 79:31 - 79:33
    Like saying,
    "I go to stock car races"
  • 79:33 - 79:36
    "to see people take
    left turns all day".
  • 79:36 - 79:40
    No, you go to boxing to see
    someone get the fuck beat out of him.
  • 79:41 - 79:44
    Even the guy who loses is going,
    "I have 18 million dollars".
  • 79:45 - 79:47
    "I don't know where it fucking is..."
  • 79:48 - 79:53
    "I'm gonna buy me a big ass house,
    but I can't find it. Fuck off"!
  • 79:54 - 79:58
    Boxing was the same.
    And then Mike Tyson!
  • 79:59 - 80:02
    Mike Tyson comes along
    and bites somebody.
  • 80:02 - 80:05
    Let's get ready to nibble!
  • 80:06 - 80:08
    All these guys're going,
    "Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"!
  • 80:09 - 80:10
    I'm saying, "You're lucky
    he just bit somebody".
  • 80:10 - 80:14
    "Mike just got out of prison.
    You're lucky he didn't fuck him".
  • 80:15 - 80:18
    You bite somebody in jail its like,
    "Get ready bitch, you're mine now"!
  • 80:19 - 80:21
    - Break it up!
    - We're not finished.
  • 80:21 - 80:23
    Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna
    fuck you, till you love me".
  • 80:24 - 80:27
    At that point I'm going, "Someone
    didn't come here to box, babe".
  • 80:28 - 80:32
    Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I
    don't kill you, motherfuckers"!
  • 80:32 - 80:35
    I'm going,
    "Up the dosage, Mike"!
  • 80:36 - 80:39
    There's all these drugs,
    Zoloft, Prozac.
  • 80:39 - 80:41
    I wanna have one drug
    encompassing it all.
  • 80:42 - 80:44
    Call it "Fuck It All".
  • 80:45 - 80:49
    I don't feel anything, I don't
    wanna do anything, "Fuck It All".
  • 80:50 - 80:53
    The closest thing to a coma
    you'll ever be, "Fuck It All".
  • 80:54 - 80:57
    I'm sitting here in my own dong,
    "Fuck It All".
  • 80:58 - 81:01
    The scary thing about drugs is that
    they have some horrible side effect.
  • 81:01 - 81:03
    "May cause artificial insemination".
  • 81:06 - 81:08
    What?
    What do you mean?
  • 81:09 - 81:12
    There's a product called Olestra,
    which is a very strange thing.
  • 81:12 - 81:13
    Olestra? What is that?
  • 81:13 - 81:17
    It said on the little side of the chips,
    "May cause anal leakage".
  • 81:20 - 81:23
    That's not a side effect
    if my ass is going...
  • 81:25 - 81:28
    I think that's an effect, really!
  • 81:28 - 81:32
    "Fire in the hole"!
    Bad day!
  • 81:33 - 81:38
    - How you're doing, Bob?
    - Just a little anal leakage, Ted.
  • 81:38 - 81:41
    Bob, you wanna get out
    of the pool right now?
  • 81:45 - 81:50
    I want science to help me.
    God, look at me! Look at this!
  • 81:50 - 81:53
    I had women in NY saying
    "Don't wear fur"!
  • 81:54 - 81:58
    The politically correct... red paint
    "Fuck off, lady, it's me"!
  • 81:59 - 82:01
    I'm a fucking Chia pet.
  • 82:02 - 82:05
    I've gone to the zoo
    and had monkeys go...
  • 82:11 - 82:13
    Anybody who thinks the
    zoo is a happy place,
  • 82:13 - 82:16
    go and watch the monkeys wait
    for groups of school children.
  • 82:16 - 82:20
    Watch the fun.
    The monkeys sit there, like...
  • 82:21 - 82:23
    "Wait for it".
  • 82:25 - 82:27
    "Wait 'til the teacher comes
    with the video camera".
  • 82:29 - 82:29
    "Now"!
  • 82:41 - 82:42
    Cause they're not happy.
  • 82:43 - 82:45
    Even the poor animals
    like Ling Ling the panda,
  • 82:45 - 82:48
    she must mate, so you can
    build the wing on the zoo.
  • 82:48 - 82:50
    They go to China,
    they anesthesize a panda,
  • 82:51 - 82:52
    which is kinda redundant...
  • 82:53 - 82:57
    They bring him back to America
    and give him a name like Ping Pong.
  • 82:57 - 83:00
    When his Chinese name was
    Who Shu Ko Hu,
  • 83:00 - 83:02
    "Bear with Balls of Steel".
  • 83:03 - 83:05
    They put him in the cage with
    Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"!
  • 83:06 - 83:09
    He looks at her like,
    "I would never fuck her"!
  • 83:12 - 83:15
    "That is one ugly panda bitch".
  • 83:16 - 83:20
    "If you were a panda, you'd know that's
    the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is".
  • 83:21 - 83:24
    "I wouldn't have fucked her
    with a koala's dick"!
  • 83:25 - 83:26
    "Fuck off"!
  • 83:27 - 83:30
    "I would rather lick my own balls,
    than fuck that panda bitch"!
  • 83:33 - 83:36
    There's only one animal
    who can tell you
  • 83:36 - 83:38
    if she's happy
    and wants to mate.
  • 83:38 - 83:40
    That is Coco,
    the silverback gorilla.
  • 83:41 - 83:43
    She saw me,
    the blue eyed simian.
  • 83:44 - 83:46
    She was intrigued.
  • 83:46 - 83:49
    She said to her trainer...
  • 83:49 - 83:51
    - What does that mean?
    - She wants you to tickle her.
  • 83:51 - 83:52
    OK, I tickle her...
  • 83:53 - 83:56
    Then she goes...
  • 83:56 - 83:58
    - What does that mean?
    - She wants you to lift your shirt.
  • 84:00 - 84:04
    I lift my shirt, she reaches out
    and grabs both my nipples.
  • 84:05 - 84:08
    And when an 800 pound
    gorilla's got you by the tits...
  • 84:09 - 84:11
    you listen!
  • 84:11 - 84:15
    Then my balls went,
    "Somebody wants to play".
  • 84:16 - 84:19
    - Should we go to phase two?
    - No! Do not go to phase two!
  • 84:21 - 84:25
    "I repeat!
    Do not go to lift off"!
  • 84:26 - 84:29
    "This may feel like a human, but
    notice the placement of the tumbs".
  • 84:29 - 84:31
    "This is not a human"!
  • 84:31 - 84:33
    "Do not go to phase two"!
  • 84:33 - 84:35
    "Warning! Warning"!
  • 84:36 - 84:38
    She must've sense something,
    cause she grabes me by the hand,
  • 84:38 - 84:41
    takes me in the back.
    Daktari meets Deliverance.
  • 84:41 - 84:44
    I'm expecting the crocodile
    hunter to walk out and go,
  • 84:45 - 84:49
    "Oh, cranky! She wants
    to fuck his brains out"!
  • 84:50 - 84:54
    "Watch out, boys and girls.
    Danger! Danger! Danger"!
  • 84:55 - 85:00
    "This could be like that time I
    put my finger in a crock's cloette".
  • 85:01 - 85:05
    But part of me went,
    "Could be fun"!
  • 85:07 - 85:09
    Make a great story for a bar.
  • 85:10 - 85:12
    A guy's going "I had
    a wild night in Vegas".
  • 85:13 - 85:15
    "Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla".
  • 85:18 - 85:19
    "Where's everybody going"?
  • 85:22 - 85:27
    And you don't want that
    late night phone call, "Hello"?
  • 85:28 - 85:30
    "Don't call me"!
  • 85:32 - 85:34
    Maybe it's because I'm 50.
  • 85:34 - 85:37
    When you hit 50, the old machinery
    doesn't work so well.
  • 85:37 - 85:42
    You be at a public rest room going,
    "How're you doing? Great game today, huh"?
  • 86:05 - 86:08
    "Oh, boy"!
  • 86:08 - 86:13
    What's happened is your prostate
    is bigger than your ego now.
  • 86:13 - 86:17
    When you're in your 40s, you go to
    the doctor they have to do the old...
  • 86:18 - 86:19
    First time is "Oh, my God"!
  • 86:20 - 86:22
    "I'm just putting on the
    glove, Mr. Williams".
  • 86:22 - 86:25
    I went back the second time and
    I moaned another doctor's name.
  • 86:25 - 86:26
    Don't do that!
  • 86:29 - 86:32
    - Who's Dr. Smith?
    - You're the only one!
  • 86:33 - 86:35
    When a woman has to
    go to the gynecologist,
  • 86:35 - 86:37
    you don't want a doctor
    who has a hobby.
  • 86:38 - 86:41
    You don't want a gynecologist
    who's also a magician.
  • 86:42 - 86:46
    You don't want somebody going,
    "How are we today... Oh, a dove"!
  • 86:47 - 86:49
    "Wow, what's this"?!
  • 86:52 - 86:54
    "Is this your card"?
  • 86:55 - 87:00
    I don't want a doctor who's a
    proctologist and ventriloquist. No!
  • 87:00 - 87:02
    "How you're doing today"?
  • 87:02 - 87:05
    "Take your hand out of my ass.
    I'm not a muppet. Move it"!
  • 87:06 - 87:12
    In your 50s it's no longer the...
    It's the ortho-proctoscope.
  • 87:12 - 87:13
    The colonoscopy.
    That's what W. did.
  • 87:14 - 87:17
    It's a video camera
    on the end of a rodeo rudder.
  • 87:18 - 87:20
    And it's going up you!
  • 87:21 - 87:23
    Suddenly, you're your own
    Discovery channel special.
  • 87:24 - 87:28
    "Slowly, we're going up
    Robin's colon".
  • 87:28 - 87:30
    "This must be what you see".
  • 87:30 - 87:35
    "Slowly up ahead,
    a burger he had in '85".
  • 87:35 - 87:39
    - Is that a polyp?
    - That's a fart, Mr. Williams.
  • 87:40 - 87:42
    They go further up your ass,
    they blow air.
  • 87:43 - 87:45
    Now you're a fucking party favour.
  • 87:48 - 87:53
    Oh, doctor, give me all you can take!
    I'm a man. Give me 120 psi!
  • 87:54 - 87:55
    You feel like a Pinata,
    you think little Mexican kids
  • 87:56 - 87:58
    are gonna come out and go,
    "Get the presents"!
  • 87:59 - 88:03
    The air is coming this way.
    The farts are going, "Incoming"!
  • 88:03 - 88:06
    "It's not a... No finger!
    It's the midget!
  • 88:06 - 88:10
    "Fall back behind the shit,
    wait for my command"!
  • 88:11 - 88:14
    "Prepare to make
    the wet sloppy noise"!
  • 88:13 - 88:19
    Because the moment they pull that
    tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude!
  • 88:23 - 88:27
    "Rolling, rolling, rolling
    Keep that colon flowing"!
  • 88:30 - 88:33
    Fourty miles, blowing outta you!
  • 88:36 - 88:40
    You put on your pants and you're floating
    like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup.
  • 88:41 - 88:43
    "Coming about, Jimmy.
    She's your"!
  • 88:45 - 88:47
    And then you realize...
    "Oh, shit, fire in the hole"!
  • 88:48 - 88:51
    "Tighten up boys, we're not
    gonna drop here"!
  • 88:52 - 88:53
    "Thank you, doctor.
    See you next week".
  • 88:58 - 88:59
    "Hold the elevator"!
  • 89:00 - 89:02
    "Fuck you, you bastard"!
  • 89:08 - 89:09
    Seven flights of stairs.
  • 89:10 - 89:13
    Everybody you pass,
    you're going "It's me"!
  • 89:14 - 89:17
    Dogs look at you like
    "Roll over, man, you're dead"!
  • 89:17 - 89:20
    You just wanna borrow a match.
    "Give me that"!
  • 89:21 - 89:23
    Flaming asshole.
  • 89:23 - 89:28
    That's what you are. You're
    a flaming asshole! You're 50!
  • 89:29 - 89:31
    And can they make a drug
    to help you through all of that,
  • 89:31 - 89:34
    to keep all of your organs intact
    'til your golden years? No!
  • 89:35 - 89:37
    Can they make a drug to give you
  • 89:37 - 89:39
    mental clarity to your
    golden time? No!
  • 89:41 - 89:44
    They've got a drug to make you
    harder than Chinese algebra!
  • 89:46 - 89:48
    Grandpa can have wood again.
  • 89:52 - 89:54
    - I don't need the walker!
    - I see that!
  • 89:55 - 89:57
    And your grandmother's going
  • 89:57 - 89:59
    "Shit! I thought the war was over"!
  • 90:00 - 90:04
    "Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna
    stick me with that rusty thing"!
  • 90:11 - 90:15
    People have died on Viagra.
    They have to have the open coffin...
  • 90:16 - 90:20
    "Oh, dear God, I don't
    remember Pete being like that".
  • 90:20 - 90:22
    "Kids, go get some horse shoes".
  • 90:24 - 90:26
    "He would've wanted it that way".
  • 90:26 - 90:31
    You used to get that from some
    strange Chinese aphrodisiac.
  • 90:31 - 90:34
    Like humming bird
    eyelash and rhino horn.
  • 90:34 - 90:36
    To give you great masculinity.
  • 90:37 - 90:42
    But now you're on Viagra.
    You are back! You are Frankencock!
  • 90:42 - 90:45
    You are "the Inseminator"!
  • 90:46 - 90:47
    You are ready to go!
  • 90:48 - 90:53
    You're gonna be going for one
    hour, one hour and a half!
  • 90:53 - 90:57
    Guys are going "Yeah"!
    Women are going "Uh-uh".
  • 90:58 - 91:01
    Cause after the first hour,
    your wife's going
  • 91:01 - 91:05
    "Yay, oh, big daddy..."
  • 91:07 - 91:09
    "Listen, I got shit to do, OK"?
  • 91:14 - 91:16
    "Hello"?
  • 91:17 - 91:21
    "Yeah, I'll be late today.
    Viagra, fucking..."
  • 91:22 - 91:27
    "I'll try and get there.
    Go outside with that thing"!
  • 91:27 - 91:29
    You can't go outside with a hard-on
  • 91:29 - 91:31
    cause the cat just
    waits for you to go...
  • 91:32 - 91:35
    And your dog is going,
    "Wow, you too"?!
  • 91:35 - 91:36
    Can't go to work like
  • 91:36 - 91:39
    - Hey, Bob!
    - How're you, Pete?
  • 91:39 - 91:41
    "I'm happy to be here today"!
  • 91:41 - 91:44
    Direct traffic,
    no, you can't do shit!
  • 91:44 - 91:45
    You have to make it
    go away. You slap it.
  • 91:46 - 91:48
    It's like one of those
    punch-me clowns.
  • 91:51 - 91:54
    "I'm not going anywhere"!
  • 91:54 - 91:58
    You have to finish it off.
  • 91:58 - 91:59
    In the old days was...
  • 92:01 - 92:03
    Now, after an hour and a half,
  • 92:03 - 92:05
    you've got more semen
    than the Fifth Fleet.
  • 92:05 - 92:08
    So, when you go, it's like...
  • 92:09 - 92:10
    Oh, my eyes!
  • 92:10 - 92:14
    And your wife goes, "Now you
    know how it feels, asshole"!
  • 92:17 - 92:19
    "Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"!
  • 92:20 - 92:23
    "I'm like a Lawn Boy!
    Get out"!
  • 92:23 - 92:24
    "Save yourselves"!
  • 92:24 - 92:28
    - Not the drapes!
    - Too late... I own them now.
  • 92:33 - 92:35
    You run out of semen and
    your testicles are going
  • 92:35 - 92:37
    "We still got an erection, chief"!
  • 92:37 - 92:40
    "Give me blood, give me urine,
    any fluid"!
  • 92:44 - 92:49
    "Oh, God, please make
    this fucking shit go away"!
  • 92:51 - 92:54
    You do every goofy,
    fucking orgasmic thing...
  • 93:14 - 93:15
    "Don't touch it"!
  • 93:22 - 93:25
    "Don't look at it"!
  • 93:25 - 93:27
    "Don't even think about it"!
  • 93:28 - 93:32
    And then you realize that God,
  • 93:32 - 93:34
    gave you a penis and a brain.
  • 93:34 - 93:39
    And only enough blood
    to run one at a time.
  • 93:44 - 93:46
    You have lost thoughts
    from your childhood.
  • 93:50 - 93:52
    And then you hear these
    words from your lady...
  • 93:52 - 93:55
    "My turn"!
  • 93:58 - 94:00
    "You can't fucking be serious"!
  • 94:02 - 94:05
    "Look at me, I'm Goo Boy!
    What are you doing"?
  • 94:07 - 94:09
    "That's right, Corky!
    It's time to saddle up".
  • 94:09 - 94:11
    "We're heading South of the border".
  • 94:12 - 94:13
    "You gotta please Missy".
  • 94:14 - 94:16
    I have one question for the ladies...
  • 94:17 - 94:18
    Do we look like this?
  • 95:13 - 95:15
    "Are you almost there"?
  • 95:16 - 95:18
    "No, no, no.
    I will finish"!
  • 95:19 - 95:21
    "I love you"!
  • 95:22 - 95:26
    "I love you!
    I will finish".
  • 95:27 - 95:33
    "I can take it.
    I just can't feel my tongue".
  • 95:33 - 95:35
    "Who's your daddy"?
  • 95:36 - 95:38
    "I love you"!
  • 95:39 - 95:41
    "I will finish".
  • 95:54 - 95:56
    Good night!
  • 96:31 - 96:33
    Thank you!
  • 96:38 - 96:40
    Thank you!
  • 96:41 - 96:42
    This night for New York!
  • 96:45 - 96:47
    What are we gonna do tonight, Marty?
  • 96:48 - 96:49
    Good night!
  • 96:54 - 96:56
    You're the best!
  • 96:58 - 96:59
    We did it!
  • 97:06 - 97:07
    My pink lady...
Title:
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway (2002)
Description:

Com Legendas em Português.
more » « less
Video Language:
English
Duration:
01:38:54

English subtitles

Revisions

Our website uses cookies for analysis purposes.