WEBVTT 00:00:30.526 --> 00:00:33.930 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams! 00:00:49.852 --> 00:00:50.886 Thank you! 00:00:55.804 --> 00:00:57.620 Oh, please! 00:00:59.101 --> 00:01:00.669 Sit the fuck down! 00:01:01.830 --> 00:01:02.964 Thank you! 00:01:04.185 --> 00:01:05.353 Thank you! 00:01:05.981 --> 00:01:07.649 Thank you! 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:09.945 Oh, yes! 00:01:11.229 --> 00:01:13.589 Oh, yes, my little semain headed friend! 00:01:15.223 --> 00:01:17.325 That's it! Good night! Thank you very much! 00:01:19.136 --> 00:01:22.139 Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front. 00:01:22.139 --> 00:01:24.374 Let's have a cigarette, let's relax. 00:01:24.374 --> 00:01:26.917 We're here in New York, fucking New York! 00:01:28.890 --> 00:01:30.458 Yes! 00:01:32.123 --> 00:01:36.861 Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater! 00:01:37.228 --> 00:01:40.164 This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! 00:01:40.632 --> 00:01:43.000 So that's the way you like it! 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:47.072 Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"! 00:01:47.873 --> 00:01:51.000 Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! 00:01:51.512 --> 00:01:54.548 I'm over here! 00:01:54.582 --> 00:01:56.584 I'm down here! 00:01:57.285 --> 00:02:00.821 This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, 00:02:00.855 --> 00:02:02.523 also owned by America On Line... 00:02:02.723 --> 00:02:04.725 "You've got mail". I hope you don't have stocks! 00:02:06.193 --> 00:02:07.528 Welcome! 00:02:08.696 --> 00:02:09.964 Don't be afraid! 00:02:11.666 --> 00:02:13.834 It was so reassuring the other day... 00:02:13.868 --> 00:02:16.804 George W. Bush talked to the stock market and... 00:02:18.272 --> 00:02:20.875 It must be him talking about business ethics 00:02:21.008 --> 00:02:22.977 it's kinda like having a leopard give you a facial. 00:02:23.044 --> 00:02:25.046 It doesn't really work! 00:02:26.981 --> 00:02:29.417 "A lot of our imports come from other countries". 00:02:29.450 --> 00:02:31.385 No shit?! 00:02:32.954 --> 00:02:35.423 Moving right along... 00:02:36.290 --> 00:02:39.026 Meanwhile, Michael is protesting... 00:02:43.130 --> 00:02:44.498 I don't know, baby... 00:02:45.466 --> 00:02:48.236 It was strange enought when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding. 00:02:48.269 --> 00:02:51.872 That for me was like, "You're pushing the term, my man"! 00:02:52.406 --> 00:02:56.577 That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? 00:02:56.611 --> 00:03:00.047 - "What are you doing"? - "I'm the best man"! 00:03:00.381 --> 00:03:02.683 Now Michael is claming rasism. 00:03:02.750 --> 00:03:05.286 I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first". 00:03:11.926 --> 00:03:15.663 "What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves"? 00:03:15.696 --> 00:03:19.100 "Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for"? 00:03:19.133 --> 00:03:22.603 "You were Diana Ross. Now you've just left it all behind". 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:28.709 Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced... 00:03:28.776 --> 00:03:32.546 And you spend more money than the Vatican. 00:03:33.681 --> 00:03:34.882 If you go to Neverland, it says 00:03:35.015 --> 00:03:37.484 "You must be this high to ride Michael". 00:03:44.725 --> 00:03:49.396 Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, "Fuck"! 00:03:49.563 --> 00:03:51.599 But how fucked up do you have to be 00:03:51.732 --> 00:03:54.368 for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man"! 00:04:03.077 --> 00:04:04.778 If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, 00:04:04.912 --> 00:04:08.115 even rats are going, "Man, that guy's quick"! 00:04:08.281 --> 00:04:11.317 "From the Don King School of hair processing..." 00:04:11.785 --> 00:04:13.954 He's running for office in Idaho on the 00:04:14.121 --> 00:04:18.626 "What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket. 00:04:18.692 --> 00:04:21.729 Sorry, my lips just went, "What the fuck did you say"? 00:04:22.363 --> 00:04:25.399 Couple of dyslexic people went, "Thank you, Robin"! 00:04:26.667 --> 00:04:27.568 "Thank you"! 00:04:28.135 --> 00:04:30.437 We were worried about the pledge of allegiance. 00:04:30.604 --> 00:04:32.373 We were gonna say "One nation under dog"! 00:04:32.406 --> 00:04:34.441 It's OK. 00:04:34.475 --> 00:04:36.911 I know people are going "I've got a cure for this"! 00:04:36.944 --> 00:04:40.014 "One nation under Canada, above Mexico". 00:04:42.116 --> 00:04:43.217 But then you have to the whole... 00:04:43.350 --> 00:04:47.187 There's anthems like "Someone bless America"! 00:04:47.888 --> 00:04:50.391 On the dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust", 00:04:50.524 --> 00:04:52.793 "In Gates We Trust"! 00:04:52.993 --> 00:04:55.129 "Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly"? 00:04:55.296 --> 00:04:56.363 "Monopoly is just a game, senator". 00:04:56.497 --> 00:04:58.966 "I'm trying to control the fucking world". 00:05:00.067 --> 00:05:03.137 Don't you see Windows Millenium? 00:05:03.270 --> 00:05:05.072 It's all leading to Information Technology. 00:05:05.239 --> 00:05:07.975 Soon it will be Total Information Technology, "TIT". 00:05:08.142 --> 00:05:12.913 And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. 00:05:14.014 --> 00:05:15.416 Don't be afraid! 00:05:16.317 --> 00:05:18.519 It's a nice day in New York, my people. 00:05:18.552 --> 00:05:22.556 NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go! 00:05:24.191 --> 00:05:27.294 Stop! OK, go on again! 00:05:28.529 --> 00:05:31.332 You're it! Get the fuck outta here! 00:05:32.233 --> 00:05:35.970 I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like "are you OK"?. 00:05:36.170 --> 00:05:40.040 People're back to being newyorkers like "Have a nice day, asshole"! 00:05:40.641 --> 00:05:43.077 "Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day"! 00:05:43.944 --> 00:05:47.348 But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is 00:05:47.414 --> 00:05:50.251 that the ladies take the twins for a walk! 00:05:50.284 --> 00:05:53.120 Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! 00:05:54.154 --> 00:05:59.026 On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go... 00:05:59.927 --> 00:06:03.397 Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going... 00:06:04.465 --> 00:06:07.568 And then they hit a breeze and "chicken's done"! 00:06:08.869 --> 00:06:11.238 Yes! Yeah, baby! 00:06:12.806 --> 00:06:14.208 These are not like the tits in Vegas, 00:06:14.375 --> 00:06:16.911 where even God goes "I didn't make those"! 00:06:19.213 --> 00:06:21.415 Weird tits. You know fake tits are like nazis. 00:06:21.549 --> 00:06:23.584 They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just... 00:06:25.185 --> 00:06:27.087 "I'm walking here"! 00:06:27.388 --> 00:06:30.324 I've seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there. 00:06:33.294 --> 00:06:37.865 Babies, lucky they don't have any teeth becayse they'd knock them out. 00:06:38.132 --> 00:06:39.900 I've seen tits that are really bad, 00:06:40.034 --> 00:06:42.636 like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy. 00:06:48.075 --> 00:06:53.480 When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like... 00:06:55.282 --> 00:06:58.385 "I'm so scared, but I can't express it". 00:07:00.688 --> 00:07:03.591 These are the ladies who've had so much surgery, they're going 00:07:03.724 --> 00:07:04.925 "What are these lumps under my eyes"? 00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:06.760 "Those are your tits, madam"! 00:07:08.729 --> 00:07:12.032 - And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski! 00:07:13.133 --> 00:07:16.403 This is good news for you. 00:07:16.871 --> 00:07:19.907 And girls getting Botox injections...? 00:07:20.174 --> 00:07:24.812 - Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression. 00:07:25.479 --> 00:07:28.482 You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful. 00:07:29.884 --> 00:07:36.023 When guys say to you "Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK"? 00:07:36.590 --> 00:07:39.293 "Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man". 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:41.495 And you say "OK, daddy man"! 00:07:42.096 --> 00:07:45.266 "Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK"? 00:07:46.433 --> 00:07:49.436 I want you to get those big old basket balls. 00:07:49.870 --> 00:07:53.374 So when you do the baywatch thing, it's like... 00:07:54.408 --> 00:07:59.213 Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. 00:08:00.714 --> 00:08:04.051 So you go to the doctor... 00:08:07.855 --> 00:08:09.990 Payback's a bitch! Go for it, girls! 00:08:10.624 --> 00:08:14.194 Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. 00:08:14.228 --> 00:08:19.867 Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird! 00:08:19.934 --> 00:08:21.435 The weathermen are going, 00:08:21.535 --> 00:08:23.837 "I don't fucking know what's going on"! 00:08:24.572 --> 00:08:27.107 "Let's just see what happens". 00:08:27.575 --> 00:08:31.078 Flowers were like Anne Heche going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..." 00:08:32.880 --> 00:08:34.748 "I don't know where to go"! 00:08:41.488 --> 00:08:46.093 George came back from Japan, he went "I went to the Coyote Conference" 00:08:46.160 --> 00:08:49.230 - No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car. 00:08:49.997 --> 00:08:52.533 George, walk away. 00:08:53.534 --> 00:08:54.802 And they say there's no global warming, 00:08:54.935 --> 00:08:57.204 but right now the North Pole is a pool. 00:08:57.571 --> 00:09:02.743 It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking. 00:09:03.010 --> 00:09:05.548 It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, 00:09:05.710 --> 00:09:07.748 "Is it hot enough for you"? 00:09:08.282 --> 00:09:12.253 "No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra". 00:09:13.554 --> 00:09:17.524 "I like my old man tities to lactate, my man". 00:09:18.025 --> 00:09:22.529 You see people in shorts and you're going "Please, don't wear those"! 00:09:23.130 --> 00:09:25.466 "Oh please, don't put those on"! 00:09:25.933 --> 00:09:27.501 If you go to South West Airline they're going, 00:09:27.635 --> 00:09:31.272 "Sorry, you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged". 00:09:31.906 --> 00:09:35.509 Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. 00:09:35.676 --> 00:09:37.745 The problem is that they are not together. 00:09:40.848 --> 00:09:43.684 And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack. 00:09:43.851 --> 00:09:46.720 People don't mind now. We're working our way through. 00:09:46.921 --> 00:09:48.889 All over the country you've got weird things. 00:09:49.056 --> 00:09:51.358 In Houston they got Enron field. 00:09:51.492 --> 00:09:54.528 "We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck..." 00:09:55.529 --> 00:09:58.432 We can't call it "We're fucked field"! 00:09:58.732 --> 00:10:02.436 "Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways". 00:10:03.604 --> 00:10:08.075 And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch. 00:10:09.643 --> 00:10:11.812 No! 00:10:13.047 --> 00:10:14.548 Say it ain't so! 00:10:15.482 --> 00:10:18.352 I like to consider it more like "severe companion". 00:10:19.453 --> 00:10:23.123 If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space", 00:10:23.290 --> 00:10:28.229 use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. 00:10:28.963 --> 00:10:32.733 Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. 00:10:33.601 --> 00:10:38.839 The first time she has lunch going "You call this keesh"? 00:10:38.973 --> 00:10:42.810 Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine! 00:10:46.614 --> 00:10:50.985 All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland. 00:10:51.051 --> 00:10:54.388 I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. 00:10:54.455 --> 00:10:56.056 They're some severe... 00:10:56.190 --> 00:10:59.927 They're colours there that have never seen daylight. 00:11:00.327 --> 00:11:03.197 I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like 00:11:03.364 --> 00:11:08.469 "Take your finger outta my ass, cause I'm leaving you behind"! 00:11:09.303 --> 00:11:14.074 Funny ass shit people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here. 00:11:14.108 --> 00:11:17.278 It's HBO, cause it's live. 00:11:21.282 --> 00:11:23.884 People playing baseball. You've got a good seat. 00:11:24.051 --> 00:11:25.853 Yankees are kicking again, way to go! 00:11:30.391 --> 00:11:32.493 You did a good job. It came through. 00:11:32.626 --> 00:11:36.330 Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. 00:11:36.797 --> 00:11:39.133 Here's one quick way you tell 00:11:39.266 --> 00:11:43.070 on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. 00:11:43.237 --> 00:11:44.572 So if someone steps up to the plate 00:11:44.705 --> 00:11:47.575 with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, "You're out"! 00:11:49.476 --> 00:11:51.579 Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him 00:11:51.745 --> 00:11:52.846 and when they do it, they're trying to kill him. 00:11:52.880 --> 00:11:55.115 He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball. 00:11:56.984 --> 00:11:59.620 For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan. 00:11:59.787 --> 00:12:02.623 It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. 00:12:03.023 --> 00:12:05.826 Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, 00:12:05.993 --> 00:12:08.529 Christians will get Christmas and Easter 00:12:08.562 --> 00:12:11.865 and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. 00:12:14.268 --> 00:12:18.505 Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off"! 00:12:18.672 --> 00:12:20.574 "What are you doing, you asshole"! 00:12:22.877 --> 00:12:25.546 I'm very excited because this is my time 00:12:25.713 --> 00:12:28.449 when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man. 00:12:28.616 --> 00:12:30.317 I saw world cup, baby. 00:12:30.484 --> 00:12:33.287 There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:36.423 "Uh, that's like football without pads, right"? 00:12:36.624 --> 00:12:38.692 For the rest of the world, it's football. 00:12:38.826 --> 00:12:41.762 For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people". 00:12:42.663 --> 00:12:45.065 We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. 00:12:45.132 --> 00:12:48.135 Not like the World Series, cause the French don't have a baseball team. 00:12:48.569 --> 00:12:52.306 If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. 00:12:52.439 --> 00:12:54.842 You know what I'm saying? 00:12:55.242 --> 00:12:59.613 What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore! 00:13:02.216 --> 00:13:06.587 The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! 00:13:06.654 --> 00:13:09.723 We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care! 00:13:10.824 --> 00:13:14.695 My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France. 00:13:14.862 --> 00:13:18.198 And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals". 00:13:18.332 --> 00:13:21.402 "It's chemotherapy, you little toad sucker". 00:13:22.503 --> 00:13:25.706 Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. 00:13:27.041 --> 00:13:29.810 Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker, do it! 00:13:30.544 --> 00:13:32.146 Don't be afraid. 00:13:33.314 --> 00:13:37.651 When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. 00:13:37.785 --> 00:13:41.188 We made it to the sixteen, baby! 00:13:44.191 --> 00:13:48.996 We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category. 00:13:49.663 --> 00:13:52.967 They used to see us coming "Give it to them, they're damaged people"! 00:13:53.467 --> 00:13:58.505 Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I shoot the ball! 00:13:59.106 --> 00:14:03.911 Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like... 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:07.948 And the fans are like... 00:14:08.816 --> 00:14:11.886 Brazilians are going "Look, I'm playing soccer..." 00:14:11.952 --> 00:14:14.655 "Look, I'm scoring"! 00:14:14.688 --> 00:14:17.558 "And now I'm kicking the ball". 00:14:17.925 --> 00:14:22.763 Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive agressive though. 00:14:23.130 --> 00:14:26.934 I didn't do anything... What are you looking at? 00:14:26.967 --> 00:14:28.969 It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes 00:14:29.136 --> 00:14:30.104 "Bang, motherfucker"! 00:14:30.304 --> 00:14:32.439 That's why there are no Spanish hockey players. 00:14:32.606 --> 00:14:34.708 When a white guy takes a stick and goes... 00:14:35.209 --> 00:14:37.411 "Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now"! 00:14:38.212 --> 00:14:42.516 "And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker"! 00:14:42.550 --> 00:14:44.685 "Coming in there! Goddamnit"! 00:14:45.986 --> 00:14:51.025 Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like... 00:14:51.158 --> 00:14:57.131 "I've been killed... I've been blinded..." 00:14:57.932 --> 00:15:03.204 "There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding"! 00:15:04.104 --> 00:15:06.974 And the referee comes over, "Yellow card"! 00:15:07.908 --> 00:15:10.211 Two yellow cards, "Red card"! 00:15:10.611 --> 00:15:13.814 Hold on, three cards, "Green card"! 00:15:15.015 --> 00:15:16.750 And the referee is so sweet, too. 00:15:18.986 --> 00:15:23.224 "What's your name? Turn around". 00:15:26.594 --> 00:15:29.029 "Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game"? 00:15:32.800 --> 00:15:37.972 Not like football referees who have that "too much commercial time"! 00:15:38.405 --> 00:15:41.242 Mad white man dancing on the field! 00:15:43.410 --> 00:15:45.613 Moving away. Moving away. 00:15:48.616 --> 00:15:51.652 In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing, 00:15:51.785 --> 00:15:52.853 someone may have been paid off. 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:55.456 Oh, shit, say it ain't so! 00:15:56.023 --> 00:16:00.027 You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off! 00:16:02.196 --> 00:16:04.665 There's a game mafia! 00:16:08.736 --> 00:16:12.172 The mov-hand! 00:16:12.339 --> 00:16:18.045 Fairy Godfather, "Does this pistol make my ass look big"? 00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:23.751 If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do, "Love ya"! 00:16:23.984 --> 00:16:27.555 "Love you"! "Hey, love you"! 00:16:35.095 --> 00:16:40.734 The worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. 00:16:40.868 --> 00:16:42.803 Once again, the French fuck with us! 00:16:43.904 --> 00:16:48.108 The Canadians, they skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh"! 00:16:48.309 --> 00:16:51.078 And then the Russians they come and fuck up 00:16:51.245 --> 00:16:55.683 and the French judge went, "How lifelike, they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"? 00:16:56.083 --> 00:16:59.720 At that point I'm going "Where is Tanya Harding when you need her"? 00:17:00.654 --> 00:17:04.758 Tanya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro. 00:17:04.791 --> 00:17:08.729 "Give me that medal, you French whore"! 00:17:11.031 --> 00:17:12.967 "I won"! 00:17:14.034 --> 00:17:17.003 Instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones 00:17:17.137 --> 00:17:19.473 in an all white trash weekend. 00:17:22.243 --> 00:17:24.612 Trailer park Tuesday! 00:17:24.879 --> 00:17:30.751 Tanya went right for the nose, "Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"! 00:17:31.552 --> 00:17:34.855 Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbit. 00:17:34.889 --> 00:17:37.925 There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend. 00:17:38.626 --> 00:17:42.796 "Fuck, man, give that back! My balls are in the front row"! 00:17:43.397 --> 00:17:47.535 What's next? "The Nixon daughters battle for the library money". 00:17:48.135 --> 00:17:51.205 "Be there as my bitches go at it"! 00:17:51.505 --> 00:17:52.974 At this point, even Caligula is going, 00:17:53.041 --> 00:17:55.776 "What the fuck are you people doing"? 00:17:55.910 --> 00:17:57.878 Why don't you have Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef 00:17:58.012 --> 00:18:00.080 just kick out the jams? 00:18:00.114 --> 00:18:04.052 Cause we've got The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. 00:18:04.185 --> 00:18:07.454 People in Texas are going "We got those shows". 00:18:08.722 --> 00:18:12.126 "We just don't film'em". 00:18:12.159 --> 00:18:16.764 Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. 00:18:16.797 --> 00:18:19.833 People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun now"? 00:18:20.734 --> 00:18:23.571 Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week. 00:18:23.704 --> 00:18:26.207 It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy". 00:18:32.146 --> 00:18:36.050 And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide. 00:18:42.823 --> 00:18:44.158 It's crazy! 00:18:49.663 --> 00:18:53.067 Even the Taliban is going "You are crazy motherfuckers"! 00:18:53.434 --> 00:18:55.636 There was a guy with one leg. They weren't gonna give him a wodden leg. 00:18:55.803 --> 00:18:58.072 He was gonna be dead man hopping. 00:19:01.475 --> 00:19:04.812 There is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, 00:19:04.945 --> 00:19:07.147 they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice! 00:19:11.118 --> 00:19:12.553 "What the fuck are you doing"? 00:19:13.587 --> 00:19:17.791 "We don't want you to get that last-second infection"! 00:19:19.526 --> 00:19:21.695 "It's all safe now". 00:19:22.363 --> 00:19:26.567 You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place! 00:19:26.600 --> 00:19:29.570 What, was Amish country booked, what happened? 00:19:29.603 --> 00:19:34.441 "Come on down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's 1955". 00:19:34.875 --> 00:19:38.245 "Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down"! 00:19:38.646 --> 00:19:40.714 At the closing ceremony they introduced 00:19:40.881 --> 00:19:43.684 Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah. 00:19:44.852 --> 00:19:50.891 I went "Uh-uh, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas". 00:19:54.995 --> 00:19:59.633 If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. 00:20:00.234 --> 00:20:04.572 Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him. 00:20:06.173 --> 00:20:07.508 We're at the olympics once again, 00:20:07.641 --> 00:20:10.611 we're talking about the figure skating. 00:20:10.644 --> 00:20:13.314 I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. 00:20:13.847 --> 00:20:17.084 Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good. 00:20:18.085 --> 00:20:21.322 There's that pairs figure skating. There's that one very special lift. 00:20:21.355 --> 00:20:23.424 Where the male skater goes... 00:20:24.124 --> 00:20:25.526 Right here! 00:20:25.826 --> 00:20:29.263 Where even a gynecologist would go "Put on a glove, man"! 00:20:29.630 --> 00:20:33.267 Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? 00:20:35.736 --> 00:20:37.104 And I'm going "Let's cut the foreplay," 00:20:37.238 --> 00:20:39.373 "let's have ice fucking, come on"! 00:20:53.387 --> 00:20:57.892 And she holds on without her hands! 00:21:14.375 --> 00:21:18.045 Even the French judge would go "I like it"! 00:21:18.212 --> 00:21:22.449 "I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians"! 00:21:22.483 --> 00:21:24.585 "So fabulous"! 00:21:25.286 --> 00:21:28.923 There's other kinda sexual things in the Olympics, there's the louge, 00:21:29.089 --> 00:21:30.291 about which I have only one question. 00:21:30.424 --> 00:21:34.695 What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? 00:21:36.330 --> 00:21:39.400 "You know what? I want to dress like a sperm," 00:21:39.567 --> 00:21:43.437 "shove an ice skate in my ass," 00:21:43.470 --> 00:21:46.974 "and go balls first down an ice chute". 00:21:47.408 --> 00:21:50.277 "Ya! That would be fun". 00:21:52.146 --> 00:21:54.715 No! This is for pussies! 00:21:55.216 --> 00:21:57.651 - How will you stir? - I will do kegels! 00:21:58.886 --> 00:22:01.722 "I will flex my ass and go down the ramp"! 00:22:03.324 --> 00:22:06.193 And do not talk to me about the two men louge. 00:22:06.360 --> 00:22:08.529 I'm saying "Boys, get a room"! 00:22:08.562 --> 00:22:11.832 "Make that turn, you bastard, make it"! 00:22:11.999 --> 00:22:14.568 "Hard right, you fucker, hard right"! 00:22:15.236 --> 00:22:20.307 Pour guy gets to the end of the run "I got wood man, I'm sorry"! 00:22:20.441 --> 00:22:22.176 "You cost us the race"! 00:22:22.543 --> 00:22:25.479 "Your penis going frr was 200 of a second winds resistance"! 00:22:26.614 --> 00:22:28.682 "We could've won if you weren't going brrring"! 00:22:29.083 --> 00:22:30.718 "Dolphin boy"! 00:22:34.355 --> 00:22:36.757 There's always some horrible drug scandal. 00:22:36.790 --> 00:22:39.226 This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor... 00:22:39.293 --> 00:22:40.561 Skilor, which is like a skier. 00:22:42.029 --> 00:22:45.165 - Are you a skilor? - Yes! 00:22:46.967 --> 00:22:51.972 They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug. 00:22:52.006 --> 00:22:54.975 Like an elephant growth hormone. 00:22:55.109 --> 00:22:57.545 "Are you on some sort of drug"? 00:22:59.547 --> 00:23:02.082 "Are you taking an animal tranquilizer"? 00:23:04.451 --> 00:23:10.190 And they didn't bother drug testing the snowboarders. 00:23:10.824 --> 00:23:13.561 "Go, go my little boys, have fun"! 00:23:14.695 --> 00:23:17.998 I guess they realized the word "half pipe" ment something. 00:23:19.567 --> 00:23:22.770 Remember the kid who won the gold medal? 00:23:22.903 --> 00:23:24.572 He was in freestyle. 00:23:24.605 --> 00:23:29.877 - You wanna be on a box of Whities? - No. Count Chocula. 00:23:29.910 --> 00:23:32.146 A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! 00:23:33.280 --> 00:23:35.783 The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, 00:23:35.916 --> 00:23:38.619 they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, 00:23:38.719 --> 00:23:39.787 which is kinda redundant number one. 00:23:39.853 --> 00:23:44.959 Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". 00:23:48.996 --> 00:23:53.067 Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, 00:23:53.133 --> 00:23:55.736 but you are certainly not fucking empowered. 00:23:57.104 --> 00:24:00.841 When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. 00:24:01.642 --> 00:24:03.711 The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is 00:24:03.844 --> 00:24:06.146 if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. 00:24:08.616 --> 00:24:10.651 Then you'll be like... 00:24:12.586 --> 00:24:16.323 Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there"! 00:24:16.690 --> 00:24:18.959 Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back 00:24:19.126 --> 00:24:21.795 and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck! 00:24:22.563 --> 00:24:25.633 Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh? 00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:28.002 They have weird sports like the Biathalon 00:24:28.135 --> 00:24:30.237 which is like Norwegian drive-by. 00:24:32.973 --> 00:24:34.375 "Get the TV, Hans"! 00:24:36.944 --> 00:24:41.415 The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. 00:24:41.582 --> 00:24:46.453 God bless you Canadian people. 00:24:46.487 --> 00:24:48.789 You're so fucking nice, eh? 00:24:49.523 --> 00:24:52.326 It's your only fucking sport, come on! 00:24:53.694 --> 00:24:55.396 That and a mutant form of football. 00:24:55.563 --> 00:24:56.964 "We've got 13 men, we have a longer field" 00:24:57.164 --> 00:24:58.866 "No, you have fun, enjoy"! 00:25:00.868 --> 00:25:04.605 Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party. 00:25:08.108 --> 00:25:10.444 "Keep it down, eh"? 00:25:13.914 --> 00:25:17.651 "We are nice. We have Jean Chritien, our great prime minister". 00:25:17.685 --> 00:25:20.921 He was the only man in the world who said, "I don't need no secret service" 00:25:20.955 --> 00:25:23.591 "If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh"? 00:25:23.924 --> 00:25:27.695 "I'm Jean Chritien which versus your president, who's a cretin". 00:25:27.895 --> 00:25:31.799 Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. 00:25:32.633 --> 00:25:33.834 It's like a kid moving out of the house, 00:25:33.968 --> 00:25:36.170 -But I still would like to get money. -Fuck off you! 00:25:37.972 --> 00:25:41.275 Canadian money is also called the Looney. 00:25:41.442 --> 00:25:44.144 How can you take an economic crisis seriously? 00:25:45.746 --> 00:25:48.849 - The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you! 00:25:49.516 --> 00:25:50.684 What are you saying, eh? 00:25:51.886 --> 00:25:56.223 Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight. 00:25:56.490 --> 00:25:57.992 "Security was amazing at the Olympics". 00:25:58.158 --> 00:26:00.961 Utah's the whitest fucking State in the Union! 00:26:01.762 --> 00:26:05.733 An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice! 00:26:09.837 --> 00:26:15.376 - We found one! - He's just tanned. Everybody off! 00:26:15.576 --> 00:26:18.812 The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere. 00:26:18.946 --> 00:26:20.414 All the dogs looking for anthrax were going 00:26:22.850 --> 00:26:24.652 "You go, man, you go"! 00:26:25.085 --> 00:26:27.354 Pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocain. 00:26:27.454 --> 00:26:29.356 In the cage at the end of the day they're going 00:26:29.523 --> 00:26:32.326 "I can't taste my ass, I don't know why..." 00:26:34.895 --> 00:26:36.730 "It's my tail"! 00:26:38.732 --> 00:26:40.467 Meanwhile your cat sits over there going 00:26:40.634 --> 00:26:42.870 "You're still an asshole, you know that". 00:26:43.704 --> 00:26:46.874 Is it me, or are cats drag queens? 00:26:47.274 --> 00:26:49.143 The way they kinda go "Who loves Kitty"? 00:26:54.014 --> 00:26:55.349 "Are these your shoes"? 00:26:57.952 --> 00:27:00.254 Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty? 00:27:01.055 --> 00:27:03.824 Male cats have that amazing thing, 00:27:03.924 --> 00:27:06.427 where they kinda walk around going "That's mine"! 00:27:08.796 --> 00:27:11.131 "Mine"! 00:27:12.066 --> 00:27:14.134 "I like that too". 00:27:14.635 --> 00:27:17.004 Thank God men aren't like that! 00:27:17.037 --> 00:27:20.407 "Nice car, Bob. Mine now"! 00:27:21.375 --> 00:27:24.812 - What are you doing? - Just shopping! 00:27:38.592 --> 00:27:40.594 The whole anthrax thing had people going... 00:27:40.728 --> 00:27:43.264 They said "Don't open your mail"! 00:27:44.031 --> 00:27:47.001 - Why? - There's white powder in envelopes. 00:27:47.434 --> 00:27:49.703 "Really"!? 00:27:51.005 --> 00:27:53.474 "Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes"! 00:27:53.607 --> 00:27:55.910 "We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend". 00:27:56.944 --> 00:28:00.014 "And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn, trying to kill us"! 00:28:01.815 --> 00:28:03.918 And now, there are people trying to kill us. 00:28:04.118 --> 00:28:05.886 And that's why I bought a gas mask. 00:28:06.353 --> 00:28:11.725 I can't even get a condom on when I want to! 00:28:11.825 --> 00:28:17.464 "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on". 00:28:20.801 --> 00:28:22.670 "I'll be right with you, honey". 00:28:22.703 --> 00:28:26.840 "Don't go away on me now". 00:28:30.744 --> 00:28:32.613 You're playing "Beat the cock". 00:28:34.048 --> 00:28:36.784 "I got it, I got it"! 00:28:39.553 --> 00:28:43.123 There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit... 00:28:43.924 --> 00:28:45.292 "I don't think we're going in today, Pete". 00:28:47.094 --> 00:28:48.796 "We didn't make the deadline". 00:28:58.172 --> 00:29:02.943 Remember when they sent anthrax to Tom Daschle's office? 00:29:03.344 --> 00:29:04.912 And they cleared that fucking place out. 00:29:05.212 --> 00:29:09.750 "Everybody out, come on"! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving. 00:29:09.884 --> 00:29:10.718 And when the Congressman walked out they go 00:29:10.851 --> 00:29:13.954 "But the rest of you, go about your lives". 00:29:14.688 --> 00:29:16.323 "Everything is perfectly OK". 00:29:16.957 --> 00:29:19.126 "We'll be miles away". 00:29:19.260 --> 00:29:22.663 It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead bib over your balls. 00:29:22.730 --> 00:29:26.533 He walks behind concrete, going "You'll be fine"! 00:29:30.905 --> 00:29:32.506 How can you tell if Congress was sick? 00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:35.042 It's night of the living dead anyway. 00:29:35.309 --> 00:29:38.312 All those old senators going 00:29:38.445 --> 00:29:42.016 "The confederate flag is just the symbol of state's rights". 00:29:42.149 --> 00:29:45.586 Yeah, and the swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. 00:29:50.090 --> 00:29:52.426 When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? 00:29:54.228 --> 00:29:56.196 He's huge! 00:29:56.597 --> 00:29:59.867 You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on! 00:30:00.234 --> 00:30:03.404 Bring him down. We're voting! 00:30:04.104 --> 00:30:08.175 Step away, boy. "I said no to the Crispy Cream". 00:30:09.610 --> 00:30:13.047 Congress recently approved the covert plan 00:30:13.180 --> 00:30:15.950 to assassinate Saddam Hussein. 00:30:18.586 --> 00:30:21.822 So what they've done, is publicly approve 00:30:21.956 --> 00:30:24.925 the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. 00:30:25.893 --> 00:30:28.128 I wonder if he knows? 00:30:30.564 --> 00:30:36.003 I know there's a cure for bio terrorism that they sent at us. 00:30:37.404 --> 00:30:40.507 And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. 00:30:41.242 --> 00:30:42.276 He is the only man on the planet who can go, 00:30:42.409 --> 00:30:46.680 "Anthrax? All right..." 00:30:49.850 --> 00:30:53.520 "Doesn't go with my E. cola, but fuck"! 00:30:54.855 --> 00:30:59.293 Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. 00:31:00.294 --> 00:31:05.966 I've seen him go to a drug dealer who said "I'm out, man"! 00:31:06.100 --> 00:31:07.534 "I have nothing left". 00:31:07.935 --> 00:31:10.304 Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. 00:31:10.437 --> 00:31:13.874 Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it. 00:31:14.008 --> 00:31:16.944 I just wanna know who gets his blood? 00:31:17.077 --> 00:31:18.245 Some old Swiss man's going, 00:31:18.379 --> 00:31:22.349 "Heidi! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"! 00:31:23.083 --> 00:31:26.086 "We've gotta pay for mixed babies". 00:31:27.788 --> 00:31:30.491 We may all be dead and gone, 00:31:30.624 --> 00:31:34.194 Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. 00:31:34.562 --> 00:31:37.565 Keith'll go, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that"? 00:31:38.966 --> 00:31:41.268 "Fucking crazy..." 00:31:42.369 --> 00:31:46.273 Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, 00:31:46.307 --> 00:31:49.677 "I don't know where. I don't know when". 00:31:50.978 --> 00:31:53.948 "But something awful's going to happen". 00:31:54.148 --> 00:31:57.985 "Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions". 00:31:58.118 --> 00:32:00.721 Excuse me, can you give me a clue? 00:32:00.754 --> 00:32:03.991 What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now? 00:32:04.758 --> 00:32:07.294 Are you working with Miss Cleo? 00:32:10.431 --> 00:32:13.067 "I don't know where, I don't know when," 00:32:13.200 --> 00:32:15.469 "but somethin' awful's gonna happen"! 00:32:16.270 --> 00:32:17.771 "And definitely don't marry that fat man". 00:32:17.905 --> 00:32:19.673 "He only wants you for your money, girl"! 00:32:20.774 --> 00:32:24.645 People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went "Fucking duh"! 00:32:26.013 --> 00:32:31.085 What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "A-ha"! 00:32:31.785 --> 00:32:35.289 If she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number? 00:32:36.624 --> 00:32:38.926 Number two, that fake Jamaican accent? 00:32:39.059 --> 00:32:41.562 If she was a real psychic, 00:32:41.595 --> 00:32:45.532 she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics going, "You gonna die"! 00:32:45.933 --> 00:32:47.334 "They have to puck your ass up" 00:32:47.468 --> 00:32:49.904 "so they can pull a place for your bike, come on now"! 00:32:50.304 --> 00:32:52.907 It's like buying hair care products from Cher. 00:32:53.040 --> 00:32:55.276 She's wearing a wig, you idiot! 00:32:56.010 --> 00:32:59.246 Take that abdominal thing... "Help you lose weight" 00:32:59.380 --> 00:33:02.950 "while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV". 00:33:03.150 --> 00:33:07.555 "I'm getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around"! 00:33:08.122 --> 00:33:10.291 You strap that to your head. 00:33:11.792 --> 00:33:15.729 And say, "I will not buy stupid shit for no reason"! 00:33:24.772 --> 00:33:26.574 Now we are in troubled times. 00:33:26.607 --> 00:33:29.243 When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. 00:33:29.276 --> 00:33:31.111 Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," 00:33:31.245 --> 00:33:33.814 it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me"? 00:33:34.515 --> 00:33:38.986 There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel.. 00:33:39.453 --> 00:33:42.623 In Washington they had F-18s flying, air cover everywhere. 00:33:42.723 --> 00:33:45.693 In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. 00:33:46.360 --> 00:33:49.763 At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer, and I'm talking about the car. 00:33:54.301 --> 00:33:58.772 One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge. 00:33:59.239 --> 00:34:01.007 The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen 00:34:01.141 --> 00:34:02.943 are in jungle camouflage. 00:34:03.344 --> 00:34:07.614 For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange. 00:34:08.081 --> 00:34:12.353 So I feel like going "Be vewy, vewy quiet". 00:34:13.152 --> 00:34:17.324 "We're wooking for tewwowists". 00:34:21.762 --> 00:34:24.398 Airport security, before all this happened it was like, 00:34:24.531 --> 00:34:27.067 "Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on". 00:34:28.235 --> 00:34:31.871 "What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane". 00:34:32.672 --> 00:34:36.143 You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long. 00:34:41.943 --> 00:34:45.746 Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. 00:34:46.047 --> 00:34:47.349 Are they afraid you're gonna go "All right"! 00:34:48.984 --> 00:34:53.388 "Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle". 00:34:53.522 --> 00:34:57.893 "I have a nail file. I can be irritating". 00:34:58.093 --> 00:35:01.663 And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they won't give you a knife. 00:35:01.963 --> 00:35:04.066 So it's like "Quest for Fire" flight. 00:35:11.573 --> 00:35:14.209 "Sir, you're making a lot of noise". 00:35:14.843 --> 00:35:18.146 The Hindu man in the back is going "Hold the bowl higher". 00:35:18.947 --> 00:35:21.249 "Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands." 00:35:22.784 --> 00:35:26.822 Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector 00:35:26.855 --> 00:35:29.024 and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends... 00:35:30.325 --> 00:35:31.727 "Take out your keys, sir". 00:35:31.993 --> 00:35:34.096 "Tip of the iceberg". 00:35:42.604 --> 00:35:47.376 For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. 00:35:47.743 --> 00:35:49.578 I'm sure that was his last wish. 00:35:50.312 --> 00:35:52.981 I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying". 00:35:53.915 --> 00:35:57.018 "I want you to name a museum, a performance hall" 00:35:57.152 --> 00:35:59.554 "and a bolt through the cock after me". 00:35:59.654 --> 00:36:03.091 "That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling". 00:36:03.892 --> 00:36:07.996 "Sell little thongs to people like they had little anal floss". 00:36:08.764 --> 00:36:10.532 And I'm talking heavily pierced. 00:36:10.599 --> 00:36:12.467 Not like Britney Spears "I'm a virgin"! 00:36:12.567 --> 00:36:15.003 Yeah and Michael Jackson is a father. Move on! 00:36:15.804 --> 00:36:17.739 I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple. 00:36:17.773 --> 00:36:20.275 You know, lady... I'm guessing! 00:36:24.379 --> 00:36:29.184 Just kinda the way your clothes are going... 00:36:29.451 --> 00:36:33.855 When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No! 00:36:34.222 --> 00:36:38.060 Or you have two. He's and her's towels, whatever you want! 00:36:38.627 --> 00:36:40.695 A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun! 00:36:41.296 --> 00:36:44.833 It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. 00:36:45.067 --> 00:36:46.301 Why did you do that? 00:36:46.435 --> 00:36:49.171 "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathion". 00:36:51.873 --> 00:36:53.508 "Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy" 00:36:53.642 --> 00:36:57.012 "like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod". 00:36:57.412 --> 00:36:59.314 "But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth" 00:36:59.448 --> 00:37:01.783 "and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba". 00:37:02.884 --> 00:37:04.786 That's the trade-off, my darling. 00:37:04.920 --> 00:37:07.456 You get the tatoo with a barb wire when you're 18 00:37:07.589 --> 00:37:10.625 and by the time you're 80 it's fucking picket fence. 00:37:11.059 --> 00:37:15.697 And Madonna turns into Margaret Hamilton going, 00:37:15.831 --> 00:37:20.001 "I'm dying, melting". 00:37:20.202 --> 00:37:20.902 Here's what you wanna do. 00:37:20.936 --> 00:37:24.873 When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me! 00:37:24.906 --> 00:37:26.808 But I had National Geographic 00:37:26.942 --> 00:37:29.311 and the girls that got me crazy... 00:37:30.245 --> 00:37:33.448 You know the ones with the slinky neck going... 00:37:34.216 --> 00:37:38.420 Do that, drive your parents crazy when you come down the stairs... 00:37:38.854 --> 00:37:40.789 Or do the full ubangy go, 00:37:40.856 --> 00:37:45.594 "Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player". 00:37:46.428 --> 00:37:48.697 And you can take out the plate and jump-rope with your lower lip. 00:37:48.830 --> 00:37:49.965 Have fun! 00:37:50.432 --> 00:37:52.467 Watch grandma go "Shit"! 00:37:59.808 --> 00:38:02.811 Union guys going "Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"! 00:38:09.885 --> 00:38:13.955 This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. 00:38:14.556 --> 00:38:17.225 Ten years from now, it's already starting to happen. People going, 00:38:19.428 --> 00:38:21.096 "I got water". 00:38:21.797 --> 00:38:25.834 "And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker". 00:38:26.768 --> 00:38:31.740 Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess goes, 00:38:31.773 --> 00:38:35.043 "Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five," 00:38:35.177 --> 00:38:38.013 "we're just gonna do a few random bag checks". 00:38:38.046 --> 00:38:40.449 "These are totally random". 00:38:41.149 --> 00:38:43.285 "I'm just gonna read off a few names". 00:38:47.155 --> 00:38:49.191 "Has'N'T'Been' Seen"? 00:38:51.660 --> 00:38:52.561 "Akeem Been'Laid"? 00:38:53.962 --> 00:38:55.897 "Have'N'T'Been Fucked"? 00:38:57.499 --> 00:38:59.301 "Judy Smith"? 00:38:59.634 --> 00:39:01.870 Fourteen arabs and a blonde...? 00:39:02.371 --> 00:39:06.675 And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going "Thank you, God"! 00:39:06.708 --> 00:39:10.245 "Oh, yes, we're off the list, motherfucker, yeah"! 00:39:12.714 --> 00:39:15.250 "They man's gonna be fucking with you now, Habib". 00:39:16.184 --> 00:39:18.787 "You better learn to go orderly". 00:39:19.354 --> 00:39:22.424 They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady, 00:39:22.457 --> 00:39:25.193 "Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?" Give 'em to me! 00:39:26.228 --> 00:39:28.430 And the five year old kid, they're patting him down, he's going, 00:39:28.464 --> 00:39:31.666 "What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!" 00:39:37.506 --> 00:39:40.375 So you've had a problem too, I guess. 00:39:40.409 --> 00:39:42.277 Father pats little boys down, like, 00:39:42.411 --> 00:39:45.847 "Good game, boy, good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!" 00:39:47.049 --> 00:39:51.486 They catch them, but they had the divine witness protection program. 00:39:52.387 --> 00:39:53.622 Find the priest, here's the pedophile, 00:39:53.755 --> 00:39:56.124 here's the priest, find the pedophile... 00:40:01.096 --> 00:40:04.900 Don't you ask, don't you tell, you might end up right in Hell. 00:40:05.333 --> 00:40:08.904 Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. 00:40:09.337 --> 00:40:13.375 Isn't it amazing? The Pope... 00:40:18.847 --> 00:40:20.816 Applause break number two. 00:40:21.683 --> 00:40:25.053 It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went... 00:40:26.655 --> 00:40:29.624 The only problem is, he's dressed like Liberace's stunt double. 00:40:31.727 --> 00:40:33.528 I have a solution, though! 00:40:34.196 --> 00:40:37.499 For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it's like, 00:40:37.532 --> 00:40:39.167 "You know, Timmy..." 00:40:41.603 --> 00:40:42.938 "Tommy, I think..." 00:40:44.506 --> 00:40:46.408 Or the automated confessional, could be fun. 00:40:46.708 --> 00:40:49.378 "If this is a venal sin, press one". 00:40:50.545 --> 00:40:52.748 "If this is a carnal sin, press two". 00:40:53.181 --> 00:40:56.084 "If this is cardinal Law, please stay on the line". 00:40:56.685 --> 00:41:01.056 "Because you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony"! 00:41:01.156 --> 00:41:03.291 So we have to keep track! 00:41:12.267 --> 00:41:15.704 Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft". 00:41:17.339 --> 00:41:20.876 We're now under the offices of Homeland Security. 00:41:21.176 --> 00:41:24.579 Tom Ridge ever so often goes, "Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"! 00:41:26.448 --> 00:41:29.284 They had to be very careful picking that name "Homeland Security". 00:41:29.651 --> 00:41:31.920 Couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going 00:41:32.054 --> 00:41:33.755 "That's a good one"! 00:41:35.490 --> 00:41:38.093 But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, 00:41:38.226 --> 00:41:40.328 which was England during WWII. 00:41:40.529 --> 00:41:44.366 Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England! 00:41:44.833 --> 00:41:47.235 There they were, Rudolph has personally... 00:41:47.369 --> 00:41:50.172 "I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite" 00:41:50.305 --> 00:41:52.974 and said "Get out of that fokker, you fucker, get out"! 00:41:55.410 --> 00:41:58.146 And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill, 00:41:58.280 --> 00:42:00.615 one of the greatest orators of all time, 00:42:00.649 --> 00:42:05.053 may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, 00:42:05.087 --> 00:42:07.656 that he didn't do some of his great speeches. 00:42:07.689 --> 00:42:12.794 They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie the Pooh". 00:42:13.595 --> 00:42:18.166 "We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land"! 00:42:18.333 --> 00:42:19.835 "Eeyore and Tigger"! 00:42:22.070 --> 00:42:24.673 And, he was fighting against Hitler! 00:42:24.906 --> 00:42:27.542 A man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, 00:42:27.576 --> 00:42:29.444 and I always thought this was a clue! 00:42:30.379 --> 00:42:32.781 That and the leather and the dancing! 00:42:35.851 --> 00:42:38.220 We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England 00:42:38.353 --> 00:42:39.221 during these troubled times. 00:42:39.354 --> 00:42:41.022 Tony Blair, a militant liberal. 00:42:41.156 --> 00:42:44.126 Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. 00:42:44.526 --> 00:42:47.596 Sounds kinda like a Volvo with a gun rack, but... 00:42:49.731 --> 00:42:53.769 Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must adress the House of Commons, 00:42:53.902 --> 00:42:56.705 which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place! 00:42:58.173 --> 00:43:01.543 - I believe my worthy opponents... - Oh, fuck off! 00:43:02.010 --> 00:43:04.679 "Shite, bollocks, you bastard! Fuck you"! 00:43:04.813 --> 00:43:06.715 Would someone remove Ms. Tatcher from the chamber? 00:43:10.252 --> 00:43:13.722 Tony said, "This heinous incident has brought us" 00:43:13.855 --> 00:43:14.823 "to the edge of oblivion..." 00:43:15.023 --> 00:43:17.125 "But our civilization shall endure"! 00:43:17.192 --> 00:43:21.329 And there's poor W. going, "Shit, I can't even spell that". 00:43:23.231 --> 00:43:26.768 Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush 2.0. 00:43:27.903 --> 00:43:31.573 It's a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software. 00:43:31.973 --> 00:43:34.076 "This country will not be taken hostile," 00:43:34.209 --> 00:43:36.645 oops, delete, delete, "hostage". 00:43:38.113 --> 00:43:41.550 And you look at him and realize he has a short attention spam. 00:43:41.583 --> 00:43:45.353 "Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty". 00:43:47.889 --> 00:43:51.326 He kinda reminds me of the guy in college with a towel going, "Gotcha"! 00:43:53.862 --> 00:43:55.430 You just don't want him to drive. 00:43:56.498 --> 00:43:58.967 Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, 00:43:59.101 --> 00:44:01.803 some get it as a graduation gift. That's OK! 00:44:02.671 --> 00:44:04.873 Historically... 00:44:08.310 --> 00:44:10.846 You must look at it from a historical perspective. 00:44:11.380 --> 00:44:13.014 He's George the second. The boy-king. 00:44:13.048 --> 00:44:15.650 A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won, 00:44:15.784 --> 00:44:18.153 because of confused Hebrews. Yes! 00:44:20.555 --> 00:44:25.827 W. doesn't speak while Channey's drinking water. Check that shit out! 00:44:31.166 --> 00:44:32.100 When everything went down, 00:44:32.234 --> 00:44:34.536 they put W. out there, but they protected Channey. 00:44:39.004 --> 00:44:42.974 Channey had an angioplasty. Most people wait 'til it heals. 00:44:43.108 --> 00:44:45.410 He was like, "I'm perfectly fine"! 00:44:46.211 --> 00:44:48.713 "I'm OK"! 00:44:49.548 --> 00:44:53.985 And there's Ashcroft in the back, "Work the arms, you asshole"! 00:44:54.586 --> 00:44:58.590 You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man 00:44:58.723 --> 00:45:01.359 who lost to a dead man in Missouri. 00:45:01.993 --> 00:45:07.165 Choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, Dead Man. 00:45:07.766 --> 00:45:09.367 And people in Missouri went, 00:45:09.467 --> 00:45:14.105 "I'm sorry John, the dead man scares me less than you do". 00:45:21.213 --> 00:45:23.515 Here's the drill for me. You know what's strange? 00:45:26.851 --> 00:45:29.354 It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder. 00:45:29.487 --> 00:45:31.456 That's OK. 00:45:35.093 --> 00:45:37.362 Stevie's only been blind since birth! 00:45:37.929 --> 00:45:40.065 And there's W. going, "Stevie"! 00:45:40.599 --> 00:45:44.536 Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that motherfucker waving at me"? 00:45:46.304 --> 00:45:50.842 "Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn"! 00:45:52.077 --> 00:45:54.446 No! What scares me, 00:45:54.579 --> 00:45:58.216 is that W. almost died from a fucking pretzel. 00:45:59.684 --> 00:46:01.987 We have billions of dollars in national defense. 00:46:02.120 --> 00:46:05.290 They want billions more for national security. 00:46:05.690 --> 00:46:08.894 And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! 00:46:09.561 --> 00:46:12.731 Secret Service are going "Game's over, man"! 00:46:12.764 --> 00:46:15.967 "Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down". 00:46:17.569 --> 00:46:20.705 "Step away from the chip, sir"! 00:46:21.973 --> 00:46:25.143 We have to have people go "Hydrate, you bastard"! 00:46:26.611 --> 00:46:29.748 His own dogs didnt' give a shit. They were licking him for the salt. 00:46:34.920 --> 00:46:37.255 You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie, who'd go... 00:46:41.426 --> 00:46:43.295 "What's wrong, Lassie? The President swallowed something" 00:46:43.428 --> 00:46:44.296 "and you did the Heimlich"? 00:46:45.797 --> 00:46:47.365 "What else, girl"? 00:46:49.134 --> 00:46:52.437 "Mr. Channey is meeting with the Enron people"? 00:46:54.372 --> 00:46:58.143 "An Enron employee is secretary of the Navy"? 00:46:58.643 --> 00:46:59.811 "What about the Harken loan"? 00:47:00.512 --> 00:47:03.281 "Sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down". 00:47:04.082 --> 00:47:09.254 Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming. 00:47:16.287 --> 00:47:19.591 Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride. 00:47:19.724 --> 00:47:22.293 Investment pirates of the Caribbean. 00:47:23.361 --> 00:47:26.264 Your money checks in, it doesn't check out. 00:47:29.701 --> 00:47:32.270 Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things. 00:47:32.637 --> 00:47:38.376 - Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? - We're gonna conduct a crusade. 00:47:38.509 --> 00:47:41.212 And everybody in the room went... 00:47:41.309 --> 00:47:43.612 Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! 00:47:45.650 --> 00:47:51.256 All throughout the Middle East... 00:47:51.322 --> 00:47:54.692 Hide the women and children and the number zero, they're coming! 00:47:55.159 --> 00:47:57.996 And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age 00:47:58.129 --> 00:48:00.031 because they'll go "Upgrade. Fun"! 00:48:02.000 --> 00:48:06.104 Today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid. 00:48:06.271 --> 00:48:09.007 We have moved trouble from here, to here. 00:48:09.040 --> 00:48:12.043 Goat in the upper right corner, possible member of the Taliban, 00:48:12.176 --> 00:48:14.345 or "concubine", we're not sure. 00:48:14.479 --> 00:48:17.715 We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise missile up its ass and were successful. 00:48:18.550 --> 00:48:21.519 Operation "Extreme Redundancy" is carrying on! 00:48:22.887 --> 00:48:28.092 Then we started to drop bombs, food, food, bombs. 00:48:28.226 --> 00:48:29.527 And here's the fun part. 00:48:29.561 --> 00:48:32.063 Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, 00:48:32.196 --> 00:48:34.866 and the food packages were little yellow packages. 00:48:34.933 --> 00:48:38.136 So now you're playing "Survivor The Real Game". 00:48:38.503 --> 00:48:42.774 "OK Bob, I was here yesterday... I'm gonna go for this one today..." 00:48:43.708 --> 00:48:45.977 And what was in those packages? 00:48:47.078 --> 00:48:48.613 Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, 00:48:48.646 --> 00:48:52.050 and all you need is honey-baked ham and you got a Redneck Christmas. 00:48:54.485 --> 00:48:56.688 Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims? 00:48:59.224 --> 00:49:03.361 Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? 00:49:03.394 --> 00:49:05.630 Number one, it tastes a shit load better than dirt. 00:49:07.332 --> 00:49:08.766 Number two and more importantly, 00:49:08.900 --> 00:49:10.902 very difficult to have a call to Jihad 00:49:11.035 --> 00:49:13.271 with a mouth full of peanut butter. 00:49:20.078 --> 00:49:23.648 Secondly, or thirdly, for those keeping track... 00:49:25.049 --> 00:49:28.653 Afghanistan is a hasheesh smoking culture. 00:49:28.853 --> 00:49:31.289 And everyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooka will go, 00:49:31.856 --> 00:49:34.125 "Pop-Tarts"! 00:49:41.532 --> 00:49:45.403 Yes! Got milk? Come and get me! 00:49:45.570 --> 00:49:49.007 We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? 00:49:49.140 --> 00:49:52.844 Do we build an amusement park "Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No! 00:49:54.546 --> 00:49:57.248 Do we have a wet burger contest? No! 00:49:57.882 --> 00:50:01.853 Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! 00:50:06.086 --> 00:50:07.855 Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No! 00:50:08.789 --> 00:50:11.926 Do we have a children show called "Saudi Dudi"? No! 00:50:13.694 --> 00:50:18.132 What we must do is we gotta get a sister. You know what I'm sayin'? 00:50:18.465 --> 00:50:20.668 You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. 00:50:21.068 --> 00:50:23.504 You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? You know what I'm sayin'? 00:50:23.771 --> 00:50:26.674 One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer. 00:50:27.174 --> 00:50:29.343 Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go, 00:50:29.476 --> 00:50:33.814 "Girl, you don't have to dress like a mother fucking bee keeper"! 00:50:36.584 --> 00:50:40.254 "You don't have to be Casper's bitch, forget all that"! 00:50:42.790 --> 00:50:44.758 "If he picks up a rock, cause you're talking to another man," 00:50:44.892 --> 00:50:48.796 you pick a bigger rock and say "Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"! 00:50:50.264 --> 00:50:52.466 "He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll," 00:50:52.600 --> 00:50:55.569 you grab a knife and say "Lorena Bobbit time"! 00:50:55.970 --> 00:50:59.573 "Don't make me go cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"! 00:51:00.608 --> 00:51:02.743 We're dealing with fundamentalists... 00:51:02.943 --> 00:51:04.345 The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try 00:51:04.478 --> 00:51:06.113 and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. 00:51:06.814 --> 00:51:09.750 And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man 00:51:09.917 --> 00:51:12.887 with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. 00:51:16.023 --> 00:51:18.525 Who are we looking for? 00:51:19.426 --> 00:51:21.996 Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children. 00:51:22.129 --> 00:51:24.665 Even Freud would say, "He has issues". 00:51:25.266 --> 00:51:27.134 What does he look like without the beard? 00:51:27.268 --> 00:51:30.170 Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care! 00:51:30.404 --> 00:51:34.375 I know this he's a six foot five Arab on dialysis... 00:51:34.642 --> 00:51:37.077 Why is that so fucking hard to find? 00:51:37.711 --> 00:51:42.983 Look for somebody attached to their luggage. 00:51:44.652 --> 00:51:49.290 When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath. 00:51:50.424 --> 00:51:53.427 Wait a minute. We have some of our own! 00:51:54.028 --> 00:51:56.764 Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do. 00:51:57.197 --> 00:52:00.034 Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", the home game. 00:52:00.834 --> 00:52:04.271 You give Ted a mailing list and some tools... 00:52:04.438 --> 00:52:06.073 Ted, these people have been bad. 00:52:06.207 --> 00:52:08.542 - Are they bad? - Very bad! 00:52:08.576 --> 00:52:12.313 - I just want a few things. - I know you do! 00:52:12.846 --> 00:52:16.984 Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks. 00:52:17.117 --> 00:52:18.586 You can't use him. 00:52:18.652 --> 00:52:20.721 Chucky all the time comes out for parole 00:52:20.854 --> 00:52:23.324 with a swastika on his forehead. 00:52:23.357 --> 00:52:25.693 - I'm better. - In many ways, yeah. 00:52:25.960 --> 00:52:28.229 - What would you do if you got out? - I'd kill everybody. 00:52:30.831 --> 00:52:32.833 What are we dealing with? 00:52:33.400 --> 00:52:36.670 One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad. 00:52:36.904 --> 00:52:40.174 Sounds like a country western term like "jee-ha"! 00:52:41.275 --> 00:52:43.878 And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel 00:52:43.944 --> 00:52:45.846 which, I'm sad to say, is all of us, 00:52:46.447 --> 00:52:48.115 and you yourself die... 00:52:48.249 --> 00:52:49.650 you go to heaven and you are greated 00:52:49.783 --> 00:52:51.585 by 71 dark-haired virgins. 00:52:52.253 --> 00:52:53.787 Now everyone who's ever been with one virgin is going... 00:52:53.921 --> 00:52:55.956 "I don't know..." 00:52:57.758 --> 00:52:59.593 "For my talent portion..." 00:53:02.463 --> 00:53:05.199 Recently, there was a article in the New York Times, 00:53:05.332 --> 00:53:06.800 a Coran scholar said 00:53:06.934 --> 00:53:09.570 "The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins," 00:53:09.703 --> 00:53:12.907 "but 71 crystal clear raisins". 00:53:16.343 --> 00:53:19.246 Slight difference in interpretation, really. 00:53:19.847 --> 00:53:23.484 It's like finding out "thou shalt not kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt". 00:53:24.518 --> 00:53:27.555 And the Scotish are going, "Fuck off"! 00:53:28.088 --> 00:53:31.492 Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven sayin', 00:53:31.525 --> 00:53:34.495 - Where are my bitches? - Here're your raisins. 00:53:35.729 --> 00:53:39.400 Or 71 Virgils going, "You got a pretty mouth"! 00:53:41.602 --> 00:53:44.572 Ossama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven, 00:53:44.705 --> 00:53:45.506 there's George Washington waiting, 00:53:45.639 --> 00:53:47.775 "How dare you defile that what we created" 00:53:47.908 --> 00:53:49.476 and starts violating on his ass. 00:53:49.510 --> 00:53:53.881 70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him. 00:53:53.914 --> 00:53:55.783 And then he's going, "Where're the virgins"? 00:53:55.916 --> 00:53:58.786 "71 Virginians, you asshole"! 00:54:03.490 --> 00:54:05.359 "I must talk to Jesus Christ"! 00:54:05.526 --> 00:54:07.494 "Where is Jesus Christ"? 00:54:07.628 --> 00:54:11.465 And Saint Peter goes, "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"? 00:54:15.636 --> 00:54:19.073 I heard it. Finally the PCs. 00:54:19.206 --> 00:54:20.841 We crossed the politically correct line. 00:54:20.975 --> 00:54:23.944 It's OK to beat the shit out of them, but don't do the Ethnic joke. 00:54:28.148 --> 00:54:29.884 How Buddhist of you! 00:54:30.351 --> 00:54:31.919 Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? 00:54:32.052 --> 00:54:33.821 What did Buddha do? Nothing! 00:54:34.188 --> 00:54:35.956 What does the Buddhist terrorist do? 00:54:36.123 --> 00:54:39.526 Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self barbecue! 00:54:39.960 --> 00:54:42.263 People're killing each other in the name of God're going, 00:54:42.396 --> 00:54:43.564 "What the fuck are you doing"? 00:54:44.365 --> 00:54:46.333 "Making you deal with your shit". 00:54:46.467 --> 00:54:49.303 I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing. 00:54:49.370 --> 00:54:51.305 I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light. 00:54:53.374 --> 00:54:57.044 Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening. 00:54:57.478 --> 00:54:59.880 Catholics have confession, episcopals have 00:55:00.014 --> 00:55:03.183 Thanks Giving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics... 00:55:04.318 --> 00:55:07.054 "I never loved you mother, you know that, don't ya"!? 00:55:08.055 --> 00:55:11.292 "I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again". 00:55:13.093 --> 00:55:17.865 Episcopal is basicly Church of England which was Henry the 8th 00:55:17.998 --> 00:55:21.168 breaking away from the Catholic Church going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"! 00:55:22.202 --> 00:55:24.972 Then people broke away from that church, 00:55:25.105 --> 00:55:27.775 the Calvinists found him to be too loose. 00:55:27.975 --> 00:55:32.213 Then the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors, 00:55:32.246 --> 00:55:35.416 people so uptight, the English kicked them out. 00:55:35.449 --> 00:55:40.754 How anal do you have to be for the English to go "Get the fuck out"! 00:55:41.055 --> 00:55:44.158 "Take your pimp shoes and go"! 00:55:44.725 --> 00:55:47.528 And they land here in America going "Hello"! 00:55:47.661 --> 00:55:51.031 "We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol". 00:55:51.432 --> 00:55:53.867 "Here chief, try this and once you drunk it," 00:55:54.001 --> 00:55:56.437 "keep moving towards your feathers float. There you go"! 00:55:57.037 --> 00:55:59.807 And the Indians go "We have a gift for you". 00:55:59.840 --> 00:56:04.545 "For us is a sacred herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen". 00:56:05.145 --> 00:56:10.918 "Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop, yeah". 00:56:19.026 --> 00:56:23.130 "Welcome to Custers. The Casino that cares". 00:56:23.364 --> 00:56:26.333 "This is my wife, Sits-with-a-full-house". 00:56:27.134 --> 00:56:29.336 "It is now time for the white man to get drunk," 00:56:29.436 --> 00:56:31.839 "and we'll get back the land you took from us". 00:56:33.240 --> 00:56:38.812 The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them 00:56:38.946 --> 00:56:42.016 and then we got the people who knock on your door 00:56:42.149 --> 00:56:43.817 at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going, 00:56:43.951 --> 00:56:46.353 "Have you found Jesus"? 00:56:46.687 --> 00:56:48.355 You just wanna come to the door nude and go 00:56:48.489 --> 00:56:50.991 "No, help me look for him! Come on"! 00:56:54.495 --> 00:56:57.831 People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say 00:56:57.998 --> 00:56:59.967 "This was brought upon us by our sinful ways". 00:57:00.134 --> 00:57:02.570 I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah 00:57:02.736 --> 00:57:05.105 and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. 00:57:05.372 --> 00:57:09.910 "One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls". 00:57:10.144 --> 00:57:12.713 "Let's get ready to humble"! 00:57:12.913 --> 00:57:16.584 Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word". 00:57:16.717 --> 00:57:19.353 Not translatable, not metaphorical, "the word". 00:57:19.687 --> 00:57:22.923 In the Genesis, "Let there be light"! Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? 00:57:22.957 --> 00:57:25.025 "No. God just went click". 00:57:27.127 --> 00:57:30.664 We are all descendant from Adam and Eve, then we are all cousins? 00:57:30.731 --> 00:57:32.266 "That's right"! 00:57:37.171 --> 00:57:39.306 There are miracles in the Bible. 00:57:39.473 --> 00:57:43.344 Like when Moses, and I'm not talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no! 00:57:43.944 --> 00:57:44.945 Not Charlton Heston going, 00:57:45.079 --> 00:57:47.715 "Let the Jews go or the pharaoh gets two in the head"! 00:57:48.549 --> 00:57:49.750 Charlton Heston, a man who said, 00:57:49.917 --> 00:57:53.754 "Guns don't kill people. Apes with guns kill people". 00:57:54.388 --> 00:57:57.024 No, Chucky! The second amendment 00:57:57.124 --> 00:57:59.293 started from people going like this... 00:57:59.460 --> 00:58:00.961 And that still continues. That's OK! 00:58:01.295 --> 00:58:05.432 When Moses said to pharaoh "Let my people go". 00:58:05.466 --> 00:58:07.668 And pharaoh went "In your dreams"! 00:58:07.735 --> 00:58:11.272 And Moses called the God, "God, I need some help"! 00:58:11.305 --> 00:58:14.174 And frogs fell from the sky. 00:58:14.642 --> 00:58:18.512 Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going "Now"! 00:58:19.613 --> 00:58:24.652 Thank God it wasn't the French, cause they would go "Lunch"! 00:58:25.085 --> 00:58:29.156 "You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy people"! 00:58:30.391 --> 00:58:35.729 Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going "Get your shit and out"! 00:58:36.130 --> 00:58:39.533 I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on Afghanistan. 00:58:39.700 --> 00:58:43.237 Not bombs, not food... Fucking frogs! 00:58:43.504 --> 00:58:46.373 Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven't seen. 00:58:47.575 --> 00:58:51.879 If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats. 00:58:56.550 --> 00:59:00.955 NY rats would be going "Hey, come on, raid"! 00:59:00.988 --> 00:59:03.224 "I eat pussy literarly. Bring it on"! 00:59:04.725 --> 00:59:09.396 Even then pharaoh was not impressed "Please, David Copperfield, no"! 00:59:09.830 --> 00:59:11.966 And then boils and then first born dies. 00:59:12.099 --> 00:59:14.635 "That's it! Hebrews get out"! 00:59:14.668 --> 00:59:15.603 And everybody... 00:59:17.705 --> 00:59:19.506 "Let's not wait for the bread to rise". 00:59:19.673 --> 00:59:22.810 "Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving"! 00:59:24.545 --> 00:59:26.447 Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis? 00:59:26.614 --> 00:59:29.350 "We're travelling, people. You don't want sand in there". 00:59:30.451 --> 00:59:33.988 "And this is so passe! The dicky thing, forget it. Let's move"! 00:59:34.521 --> 00:59:36.690 We're going to the desert. Then they get the 10 commandments, 00:59:36.857 --> 00:59:39.360 that would be ajusted later by certain presidents. 00:59:40.561 --> 00:59:42.997 And they get to the Red Sea. 00:59:43.163 --> 00:59:46.734 And they go "What now, Mr. Magic, what do we do now"? 00:59:46.834 --> 00:59:49.870 We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"... 00:59:50.004 --> 00:59:51.505 Frogs backs! 00:59:51.972 --> 00:59:54.975 Thank you for watching me this far. 00:59:56.076 --> 00:59:58.812 Obviously, I did inhale. 01:00:02.516 --> 01:00:04.685 "What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"? 01:00:04.752 --> 01:00:08.389 And he calls to God again and the sea parts. 01:00:08.789 --> 01:00:12.126 And even the most doubting Jew is going "You're good"! 01:00:12.393 --> 01:00:18.065 Let's move, don't eat the shellfish, I'll tell you why later. 01:00:19.266 --> 01:00:20.434 Where are we going? 01:00:20.601 --> 01:00:23.070 "To Jerusalem to start years of struggling," 01:00:23.204 --> 01:00:26.173 "and later to Miami to fuck up an election". 01:00:30.844 --> 01:00:34.315 And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls to his cat-like God 01:00:34.348 --> 01:00:38.319 but the cat-like God can't do shit, cause it's afraid of water. 01:00:41.956 --> 01:00:44.491 And then there's another miracle. 01:00:44.925 --> 01:00:49.663 The night that Mary said to Joe "Joe, I'm pregnant". 01:00:50.197 --> 01:00:53.334 Joe went "Holy Mother of God"! She went "You're right"! 01:00:54.969 --> 01:00:58.639 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe! 01:00:59.073 --> 01:01:02.042 "That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go"! 01:01:02.443 --> 01:01:05.012 - I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary. 01:01:05.045 --> 01:01:07.281 - So I'm the step father of God's kid? - Yeah. 01:01:07.514 --> 01:01:09.516 "I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong," 01:01:09.683 --> 01:01:12.453 cause he'll look to me saying "You're not my real dad". 01:01:12.653 --> 01:01:15.055 - How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe. 01:01:15.289 --> 01:01:19.393 "It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate"! 01:01:19.426 --> 01:01:24.064 I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon. 01:01:26.333 --> 01:01:30.671 Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. 01:01:30.704 --> 01:01:35.175 You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe. 01:01:35.209 --> 01:01:38.879 We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. 01:01:39.513 --> 01:01:42.483 We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God. 01:01:43.183 --> 01:01:46.086 Praise to him, Jim-Bob. 01:01:46.220 --> 01:01:51.759 He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob! 01:01:52.026 --> 01:01:56.330 Jesus was an only child. Thank God! 01:01:56.497 --> 01:01:59.567 Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? 01:02:01.669 --> 01:02:03.837 That's a tough gig. 01:02:04.004 --> 01:02:05.372 "Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach". 01:02:05.406 --> 01:02:08.576 "Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them" 01:02:08.742 --> 01:02:10.044 "and get a whole buch of disciples". 01:02:10.077 --> 01:02:13.347 "I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me"! 01:02:15.783 --> 01:02:20.921 He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"! 01:02:23.157 --> 01:02:27.928 "Yeah, I healed sombody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that"! 01:02:29.964 --> 01:02:34.368 "Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math"! 01:02:35.536 --> 01:02:39.073 And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! 01:02:39.607 --> 01:02:42.509 Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. 01:02:43.544 --> 01:02:44.945 Working in his father's business, 01:02:45.112 --> 01:02:47.915 his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! 01:02:49.483 --> 01:02:51.252 It's an old tradition! 01:02:52.253 --> 01:02:55.322 And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish, 01:02:55.489 --> 01:02:58.926 for the Last Supper, would they have not gone out for Chinese? 01:02:59.660 --> 01:03:02.463 "Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on one minute, no service, no sandals". 01:03:02.630 --> 01:03:03.664 "OK, you come in now". 01:03:03.797 --> 01:03:08.335 "You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not together". 01:03:08.969 --> 01:03:14.475 "I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way". 01:03:18.245 --> 01:03:22.483 "You are glowing, so I guess we won't need that lamp, that's very nice"! 01:03:22.883 --> 01:03:26.320 "You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!" 01:03:27.888 --> 01:03:32.092 It's said that night, Jesus turned to his disciples, 01:03:32.259 --> 01:03:34.495 and said "One of you shall betray me". 01:03:34.662 --> 01:03:37.998 Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Peter". 01:03:38.332 --> 01:03:42.036 Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Simon". 01:03:42.469 --> 01:03:44.038 And Judas said "Is it me, Jesus"? 01:03:44.105 --> 01:03:47.308 And Jesus turned to him "Is it me, Jesus"!? 01:03:49.009 --> 01:03:50.878 Thus you see two traditions beginning 01:03:51.011 --> 01:03:54.848 Jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. Together born! 01:03:55.516 --> 01:04:00.154 The next day the miracle occured. Crucifixion, Resurrection, 01:04:00.187 --> 01:04:02.890 and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow 01:04:03.057 --> 01:04:05.192 another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes! 01:04:06.126 --> 01:04:10.864 For me, the one big question is how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection 01:04:10.931 --> 01:04:13.968 and then chocholate bunnies, coloured eggs? 01:04:15.736 --> 01:04:17.171 How do you do that one? 01:04:17.838 --> 01:04:21.442 Even kids are going "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this"? 01:04:22.042 --> 01:04:25.412 And you don't want a kid bitting the head off a chocholate Jesus. 01:04:26.547 --> 01:04:30.050 You don't want a cream filled cross going... 01:04:30.751 --> 01:04:32.753 You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going 01:04:32.920 --> 01:04:34.922 "We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one"! 01:04:35.756 --> 01:04:38.792 What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved. 01:04:39.093 --> 01:04:41.929 That's why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things. 01:04:43.530 --> 01:04:45.799 They're all there to keep your action up. 01:04:46.467 --> 01:04:48.535 And then we're starting to lose them. 01:04:48.569 --> 01:04:49.670 Like Saint Christopher... 01:04:49.837 --> 01:04:52.873 "Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down". 01:04:54.808 --> 01:04:55.910 "The medals aren't selling well". 01:04:56.043 --> 01:04:59.246 "Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're outta here". 01:04:59.346 --> 01:05:02.082 "We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accesories". 01:05:03.517 --> 01:05:06.587 But I want a saint like Mother Teresa. 01:05:06.720 --> 01:05:10.691 She said "You can do only small things with great love". 01:05:10.724 --> 01:05:13.193 And Pat Robinson said "She's not a real Christian"! 01:05:13.227 --> 01:05:16.830 "Why? Cause she doesn't have tag shelther and a university"? 01:05:17.464 --> 01:05:21.468 Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume... 01:05:21.735 --> 01:05:24.605 "Compassion" by Mother Teresa. 01:05:24.772 --> 01:05:27.808 "I smell, because I care. Compassion"! 01:05:28.409 --> 01:05:30.945 Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"... 01:05:31.679 --> 01:05:35.883 "Whether you're simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out"! 01:05:36.483 --> 01:05:39.253 "They come in size one and below". 01:05:40.554 --> 01:05:42.823 Gandhi was an amazing man. 01:05:42.990 --> 01:05:44.959 They asked him "What do you think about Western civilization"? 01:05:45.159 --> 01:05:47.695 He said "I think it would be a wonderful idea". 01:05:48.362 --> 01:05:53.667 As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going 01:05:54.335 --> 01:05:58.038 "I know Gandhi. He was a prick". 01:05:59.640 --> 01:06:03.210 "I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa". 01:06:03.410 --> 01:06:06.947 "He kept saying Who's your diaper daddy"? 01:06:09.283 --> 01:06:10.718 "I saw that with my eyes". 01:06:10.851 --> 01:06:14.255 "If you don't believe me, I'll bitch slap you like Shiva". 01:06:15.756 --> 01:06:18.893 "Don't press this. Don't fucking do that"! 01:06:19.293 --> 01:06:21.362 "Don't go ding-dong, you asshole"! 01:06:22.296 --> 01:06:24.064 "Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend". 01:06:24.231 --> 01:06:27.067 "I could turn this whole place into Chicken Tika". 01:06:27.768 --> 01:06:29.570 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 01:06:29.603 --> 01:06:31.272 And we're prepared to fight over Kashmir. 01:06:31.438 --> 01:06:34.842 And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole! 01:06:36.443 --> 01:06:40.648 India detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 01:06:40.814 --> 01:06:43.050 Pakistan detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 01:06:43.317 --> 01:06:45.819 And your spy satelites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre. 01:06:45.986 --> 01:06:47.788 They didn't have a fucking clue. 01:06:49.490 --> 01:06:52.226 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 01:06:52.359 --> 01:06:53.294 China has the bomb. 01:06:53.460 --> 01:06:56.864 Or maybe they just have one billion people go "Boom"! 01:06:57.565 --> 01:07:01.602 Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs". 01:07:02.469 --> 01:07:05.105 "We don't know where they all are"! 01:07:06.907 --> 01:07:09.710 Maybe you want a dirty bomb. 01:07:11.312 --> 01:07:13.948 And the French have a bomb, too. 01:07:14.215 --> 01:07:16.951 Maybe they have the Michelin bomb that only destroys 01:07:17.084 --> 01:07:18.919 restaurants under four stars. 01:07:20.054 --> 01:07:23.591 They still test their bombs. They still detonate their bombs. 01:07:23.724 --> 01:07:25.292 Where did they do the undeground test? 01:07:25.426 --> 01:07:26.961 In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? 01:07:26.994 --> 01:07:31.465 No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. 01:07:31.732 --> 01:07:34.935 Why? "Because we're French". 01:07:35.135 --> 01:07:37.104 "Oh, look a Green Peace boat's come to protest". 01:07:37.271 --> 01:07:38.973 "Fuck off, I sink you". 01:07:39.373 --> 01:07:41.775 "I'm the baddest mother fucker, am I not"? 01:07:41.976 --> 01:07:44.645 "Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby". 01:07:46.113 --> 01:07:51.185 "Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this". 01:07:51.719 --> 01:07:54.755 "You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans"! 01:07:57.358 --> 01:08:01.495 "Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack Americans". 01:08:01.729 --> 01:08:03.631 "We hate all of you. Fuck off"! 01:08:03.664 --> 01:08:07.935 "The Germans are here... Hello, Americans"! 01:08:08.836 --> 01:08:14.207 "I love you! Come on, Americans". 01:08:15.676 --> 01:08:18.479 "Welcome back, Americans"! 01:08:18.845 --> 01:08:20.881 "You can build a Disneyland near Paris". 01:08:22.216 --> 01:08:24.752 "We won't go, but build it". 01:08:24.984 --> 01:08:28.555 "It will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great"! 01:08:29.223 --> 01:08:33.027 Smoking a Galloise, going "I never loved Mickey". 01:08:33.727 --> 01:08:37.865 "He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off"! 01:08:38.732 --> 01:08:39.800 "Don't love him"! 01:08:45.072 --> 01:08:48.309 But there is one country that watches out for all of us 01:08:48.442 --> 01:08:52.179 the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. 01:08:52.313 --> 01:08:54.848 If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going 01:08:54.982 --> 01:08:56.750 "What was that noise"? 01:08:57.718 --> 01:08:59.420 In their big hollowed out country, 01:08:59.553 --> 01:09:01.721 with their chocholate and their watches. Ya! 01:09:02.323 --> 01:09:04.591 The nice Germans. Ya! 01:09:05.225 --> 01:09:08.028 Or, as they like to say, "the other white race". 01:09:09.162 --> 01:09:11.031 I have only one question. 01:09:11.165 --> 01:09:16.837 How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's knife? 01:09:18.205 --> 01:09:21.876 "Many of you, men, have never opened Chardonnay under fire". 01:09:25.212 --> 01:09:29.917 "You take out the wine bottle, pull out the cock and throw"! 01:09:30.117 --> 01:09:33.787 "I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold". 01:09:34.854 --> 01:09:39.627 My God! Where did all this Impresionistic art come from? 01:09:40.227 --> 01:09:43.397 And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945? 01:09:44.265 --> 01:09:47.034 Fairies must've brought it during the night. 01:09:47.534 --> 01:09:51.438 I have to do the Heimlich and cough up an account number. 01:09:52.606 --> 01:09:54.141 I know this one thing... 01:09:54.275 --> 01:09:58.679 I know there's one country that is not developing a weapon of destruction. 01:09:58.712 --> 01:10:02.016 That does not have a secret weapon's lab up in the mountains. 01:10:02.149 --> 01:10:03.817 Jamaica! 01:10:06.954 --> 01:10:09.123 Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. 01:10:09.723 --> 01:10:12.626 They may make an atomic bong. 01:10:13.127 --> 01:10:16.630 But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong cause, when the atomic bomb goes off, 01:10:16.764 --> 01:10:19.466 there's devastation and radiation. 01:10:19.533 --> 01:10:23.771 When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration! 01:10:28.609 --> 01:10:30.578 Smokes a split for the communion. 01:10:30.711 --> 01:10:32.479 If you don't see Jesus then, you never will. 01:10:35.549 --> 01:10:38.285 I know only one thing. 01:10:38.419 --> 01:10:41.355 I never met me an angry pot smoker. 01:10:41.589 --> 01:10:47.328 I never met a man who said "Hey, you fucking prick"! 01:11:01.208 --> 01:11:05.246 "Oh, fuck"! 01:11:05.379 --> 01:11:06.714 "What was I gonna do"!? 01:11:08.415 --> 01:11:10.784 "Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here"! 01:11:10.985 --> 01:11:15.256 Because you see, marihuana... 01:11:18.692 --> 01:11:21.362 I know this one. Wait a minute. 01:11:29.470 --> 01:11:31.205 If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. 01:11:31.338 --> 01:11:33.641 Or maybe... 01:11:34.575 --> 01:11:38.012 If you seen some of the things that happened recently to NASA, maybe you can. 01:11:41.282 --> 01:11:42.917 "The Mars lander..." 01:11:44.552 --> 01:11:47.321 "I did the calculations in feet," 01:11:47.621 --> 01:11:50.724 "but I programmed the lander in meters". 01:11:54.128 --> 01:11:57.264 "So, instead of landing, fucker burried"! 01:11:57.932 --> 01:12:01.001 "185 million dollars... oopsy"! 01:12:01.168 --> 01:12:03.237 "Two years... splat"! 01:12:03.437 --> 01:12:06.307 "OK, fuck! Here's a better one"! 01:12:08.309 --> 01:12:10.611 "The Hubble Telescope..." 01:12:10.811 --> 01:12:14.148 "I forgot to put in a lens". 01:12:14.748 --> 01:12:17.918 Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..." 01:12:18.052 --> 01:12:20.354 "The rest is just a black hole". 01:12:21.055 --> 01:12:24.558 I once called Steven Hawking's house, "Hello, this is Steven Hawking". 01:12:24.892 --> 01:12:28.195 - Yes, I'd like to leave a message. - No, this is Steven Hawking. 01:12:30.531 --> 01:12:31.799 I know one thing though. 01:12:32.433 --> 01:12:36.103 Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. 01:12:36.370 --> 01:12:40.374 Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. 01:12:41.375 --> 01:12:44.144 See those guys going, "Hey, fuck you, my man"! 01:12:45.913 --> 01:12:47.648 "Hey, listen to me". 01:12:49.116 --> 01:12:52.286 "Listen to me, you piece of shit". 01:12:53.053 --> 01:12:57.291 "You do not know shit about fuck, my man". 01:13:00.895 --> 01:13:03.464 "You want a piece of yourself"? 01:13:04.265 --> 01:13:07.401 "Step outside, I'll kick my ass". 01:13:07.635 --> 01:13:09.970 "I've already shit myself, I'm halfway there". 01:13:13.307 --> 01:13:16.610 Some people know, you can deal with it geneticaly. 01:13:16.644 --> 01:13:18.312 If you're Irish, you've got a running start 01:13:18.445 --> 01:13:19.847 that you can do it better than we are. 01:13:20.648 --> 01:13:25.853 If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass but then you'll sing about it, afterwards. 01:13:26.287 --> 01:13:28.455 "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat," 01:13:28.589 --> 01:13:30.190 "I knocked you down and shit in your hat". 01:13:35.095 --> 01:13:39.033 And then you keep drinking 'til you're in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine, 01:13:39.066 --> 01:13:42.570 doing liver dancing Michael Flatline. 01:13:43.470 --> 01:13:45.706 And they say the Irish saved civilization, 01:13:45.773 --> 01:13:47.107 drank a couple of Guiness 01:13:47.241 --> 01:13:49.777 and forgot where they fucking put it. But that's all right! 01:13:49.843 --> 01:13:54.748 The Japanese drink differently than us. 01:13:55.616 --> 01:13:57.651 You could be polite during the day 01:13:57.785 --> 01:14:00.054 and all of a sudden you're "Arigato gozaimas". 01:14:00.387 --> 01:14:05.025 And after five Jack Daniels... "Tie the yellow ribbon"! 01:14:08.696 --> 01:14:12.032 Karaoke for "asshole with a microphone". 01:14:12.566 --> 01:14:15.069 "Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"! 01:14:16.570 --> 01:14:22.176 And If you want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 01:14:22.209 --> 01:14:25.613 Cause you can't fucking understand them before... 01:14:26.280 --> 01:14:27.750 You land in Scotland and they're going 01:14:30.751 --> 01:14:33.554 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah? 01:14:38.893 --> 01:14:41.428 - Sure. - Oh, fuck sure, eh? 01:14:46.467 --> 01:14:50.004 - Sure! - Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard. 01:14:53.040 --> 01:14:57.044 And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care! 01:14:57.811 --> 01:15:00.548 And how they could invent a sport like golf. 01:15:01.715 --> 01:15:04.552 Here's my idea for a fucking sport. 01:15:05.052 --> 01:15:07.988 I knock a ball in a gopher hole. 01:15:08.722 --> 01:15:11.492 - Oh, you mean like pool? - Fuck off pool! 01:15:11.525 --> 01:15:14.695 Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! 01:15:15.696 --> 01:15:18.566 I whack the ball, it goes in a gopher hole. 01:15:19.266 --> 01:15:22.503 - Oh, you mean like croquet? - Fuck croquet! 01:15:23.203 --> 01:15:26.373 I put the hole hundreds of yards away! 01:15:27.608 --> 01:15:31.679 Oh, fuck yeah! There's big fun there! 01:15:34.815 --> 01:15:37.451 - Oh, like a bowling thing? - Fuck no! 01:15:37.918 --> 01:15:40.154 Not straight, I put shit in the way! 01:15:41.055 --> 01:15:44.158 Like trees and bushes and high grass. 01:15:44.391 --> 01:15:46.560 So you can lose you fucking ball. 01:15:46.594 --> 01:15:49.663 And go hacking away with a fucking tire iron! 01:15:49.730 --> 01:15:53.734 Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke! 01:15:54.401 --> 01:15:57.004 Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, 01:15:57.171 --> 01:16:00.674 cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die! 01:16:01.508 --> 01:16:04.912 Oh great, oh and here's the better part. Fuck, this is brilliant! 01:16:05.145 --> 01:16:07.915 Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece 01:16:08.082 --> 01:16:10.484 with a little flag to give you fucking hope. 01:16:11.585 --> 01:16:14.955 But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox, 01:16:15.122 --> 01:16:17.291 to fuck with your ball again! 01:16:17.558 --> 01:16:22.396 You'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand. 01:16:22.663 --> 01:16:26.634 - And you do this one time? - Fuck no! 01:16:26.800 --> 01:16:31.505 Eighteen fucking times! 01:16:40.014 --> 01:16:42.516 There you have a sport! 01:16:43.083 --> 01:16:44.351 The manly sport of golf, 01:16:44.485 --> 01:16:47.121 where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. 01:16:47.488 --> 01:16:52.826 Where even a blind gay man would go, "Oh, dear Christ"! 01:16:53.294 --> 01:16:56.997 "Those are loud, this is not carnival! What the fuck are you on"? 01:16:57.464 --> 01:17:00.367 Even the aligator's going, "Asshole"! 01:17:02.036 --> 01:17:06.774 It's such an athletic sport, whack the ball, get in the car. 01:17:07.775 --> 01:17:10.311 Whack the ball, get in the car. 01:17:10.611 --> 01:17:12.680 And the commentary's electrifying. 01:17:13.147 --> 01:17:16.050 Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. 01:17:16.183 --> 01:17:18.452 "We're on the third green now". 01:17:20.154 --> 01:17:23.424 "Could people be quieter, I'd like to hear the grass grow". 01:17:25.125 --> 01:17:28.963 I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. 01:17:30.598 --> 01:17:33.334 "The ball is rolling, the ball is going to the..." 01:17:33.467 --> 01:17:41.175 "Hole"! 01:17:44.478 --> 01:17:46.614 Just to see all those waspy motherfuckers going, 01:17:46.747 --> 01:17:48.616 "Oh, dear Christ"! 01:17:49.450 --> 01:17:53.053 "My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit"! 01:17:53.454 --> 01:17:57.157 "What the hell are we gonna do"? That was their last domain of dominance. 01:17:57.358 --> 01:17:59.193 It was their area. They were the king. 01:17:59.326 --> 01:18:02.329 Up until... Tiger! 01:18:05.866 --> 01:18:08.569 Son of a black man and a Thai woman. 01:18:08.602 --> 01:18:11.672 Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up! 01:18:12.506 --> 01:18:16.710 Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. 01:18:20.414 --> 01:18:22.716 Crouching Potter. 01:18:23.284 --> 01:18:25.686 And then he goes to the British Open, 01:18:25.819 --> 01:18:29.823 and he plays at Saint Andrews, where they fucking invented the sport. 01:18:29.890 --> 01:18:32.593 And after the forth round, he's 18 under par. 01:18:32.626 --> 01:18:35.496 And there's only 18 fucking holes. 01:18:35.863 --> 01:18:40.134 And all the old men are going, "My God, we're doomed"! 01:18:40.301 --> 01:18:43.704 "How did he learn to play? We wouldn't let him join, dear God"! 01:18:44.104 --> 01:18:46.409 And they start having nightmares of golf carts going... 01:18:50.678 --> 01:18:52.680 "Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through," 01:18:52.813 --> 01:18:54.848 "Whether you're a gentile or a Jew." 01:18:54.915 --> 01:18:58.185 "Purple beats, motherfucker"! 01:19:05.159 --> 01:19:09.263 All of your gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be... 01:19:12.533 --> 01:19:13.869 Until the Williams sisters... 01:19:20.040 --> 01:19:23.143 - 40, love? - No, that's good love, baby! 01:19:25.279 --> 01:19:27.414 Even boxing's changed. 01:19:27.481 --> 01:19:31.051 Remember boxing, people go, "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing". 01:19:31.085 --> 01:19:33.153 Like saying, "I go to stock car races" 01:19:33.287 --> 01:19:36.023 "to see people take left turns all day". 01:19:36.423 --> 01:19:40.361 No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat out of him. 01:19:40.561 --> 01:19:44.198 Even the guy who loses is going, "I have 18 million dollars". 01:19:44.598 --> 01:19:46.533 "I don't know where it fucking is..." 01:19:47.935 --> 01:19:53.073 "I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Fuck off"! 01:19:54.174 --> 01:19:58.178 Boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson! 01:19:59.046 --> 01:20:01.615 Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody. 01:20:02.483 --> 01:20:05.185 Let's get ready to nibble! 01:20:06.053 --> 01:20:08.389 All these guys're going, "Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"! 01:20:08.589 --> 01:20:10.257 I'm saying, "You're lucky he just bit somebody". 01:20:10.391 --> 01:20:13.561 "Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him". 01:20:14.962 --> 01:20:18.432 You bite somebody in jail its like, "Get ready bitch, you're mine now"! 01:20:18.732 --> 01:20:20.534 - Break it up! - We're not finished. 01:20:20.568 --> 01:20:23.437 Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna fuck you, till you love me". 01:20:23.571 --> 01:20:26.640 At that point I'm going, "Someone didn't come here to box, babe". 01:20:27.575 --> 01:20:31.612 Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, motherfuckers"! 01:20:32.046 --> 01:20:34.715 I'm going, "Up the dosage, Mike"! 01:20:35.983 --> 01:20:39.053 There's all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. 01:20:39.186 --> 01:20:41.388 I wanna have one drug encompassing it all. 01:20:41.655 --> 01:20:43.991 Call it "Fuck It All". 01:20:44.725 --> 01:20:48.829 I don't feel anything, I don't wanna do anything, "Fuck It All". 01:20:49.763 --> 01:20:53.167 The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be, "Fuck It All". 01:20:53.601 --> 01:20:56.870 I'm sitting here in my own dong, "Fuck It All". 01:20:57.805 --> 01:21:00.841 The scary thing about drugs is that they have some horrible side effect. 01:21:01.075 --> 01:21:02.943 "May cause artificial insemination". 01:21:06.280 --> 01:21:07.815 What? What do you mean? 01:21:08.515 --> 01:21:11.752 There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing. 01:21:11.785 --> 01:21:13.254 Olestra? What is that? 01:21:13.387 --> 01:21:16.790 It said on the little side of the chips, "May cause anal leakage". 01:21:19.927 --> 01:21:23.130 That's not a side effect if my ass is going... 01:21:24.598 --> 01:21:27.534 I think that's an effect, really! 01:21:28.469 --> 01:21:32.306 "Fire in the hole"! Bad day! 01:21:33.474 --> 01:21:37.545 - How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted. 01:21:38.145 --> 01:21:41.148 Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? 01:21:45.452 --> 01:21:49.890 I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this! 01:21:50.024 --> 01:21:52.993 I had women in NY saying "Don't wear fur"! 01:21:54.128 --> 01:21:58.232 The politically correct... red paint "Fuck off, lady, it's me"! 01:21:58.532 --> 01:22:01.001 I'm a fucking Chia pet. 01:22:01.602 --> 01:22:04.905 I've gone to the zoo and had monkeys go... 01:22:11.312 --> 01:22:13.180 Anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, 01:22:13.314 --> 01:22:16.350 go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children. 01:22:16.483 --> 01:22:20.254 Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like... 01:22:20.654 --> 01:22:22.623 "Wait for it". 01:22:24.692 --> 01:22:27.494 "Wait 'til the teacher comes with the video camera". 01:22:29.163 --> 01:22:29.498 "Now"! 01:22:40.674 --> 01:22:42.376 Cause they're not happy. 01:22:42.543 --> 01:22:45.145 Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, 01:22:45.279 --> 01:22:47.748 she must mate, so you can build the wing on the zoo. 01:22:47.948 --> 01:22:50.417 They go to China, they anesthesize a panda, 01:22:50.551 --> 01:22:51.719 which is kinda redundant... 01:22:53.454 --> 01:22:56.690 They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong. 01:22:57.391 --> 01:22:59.793 When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu, 01:23:00.027 --> 01:23:01.695 "Bear with Balls of Steel". 01:23:02.596 --> 01:23:05.466 They put him in the cage with Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"! 01:23:05.566 --> 01:23:09.303 He looks at her like, "I would never fuck her"! 01:23:11.705 --> 01:23:15.175 "That is one ugly panda bitch". 01:23:15.743 --> 01:23:19.813 "If you were a panda, you'd know that's the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is". 01:23:20.614 --> 01:23:23.517 "I wouldn't have fucked her with a koala's dick"! 01:23:24.785 --> 01:23:26.086 "Fuck off"! 01:23:26.654 --> 01:23:30.224 "I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that panda bitch"! 01:23:32.526 --> 01:23:35.829 There's only one animal who can tell you 01:23:35.963 --> 01:23:37.731 if she's happy and wants to mate. 01:23:38.132 --> 01:23:40.467 That is Coco, the silverback gorilla. 01:23:40.534 --> 01:23:43.304 She saw me, the blue eyed simian. 01:23:44.238 --> 01:23:45.773 She was intrigued. 01:23:46.240 --> 01:23:48.576 She said to her trainer... 01:23:48.609 --> 01:23:50.811 - What does that mean? - She wants you to tickle her. 01:23:50.844 --> 01:23:51.679 OK, I tickle her... 01:23:53.347 --> 01:23:55.516 Then she goes... 01:23:55.549 --> 01:23:58.152 - What does that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt. 01:23:59.653 --> 01:24:04.024 I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. 01:24:04.959 --> 01:24:08.195 And when an 800 pound gorilla's got you by the tits... 01:24:08.696 --> 01:24:10.664 you listen! 01:24:10.864 --> 01:24:14.535 Then my balls went, "Somebody wants to play". 01:24:15.736 --> 01:24:18.505 - Should we go to phase two? - No! Do not go to phase two! 01:24:21.108 --> 01:24:25.145 "I repeat! Do not go to lift off"! 01:24:25.746 --> 01:24:28.649 "This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the tumbs". 01:24:28.782 --> 01:24:30.517 "This is not a human"! 01:24:31.185 --> 01:24:32.987 "Do not go to phase two"! 01:24:33.320 --> 01:24:35.122 "Warning! Warning"! 01:24:35.656 --> 01:24:38.025 She must've sense something, cause she grabes me by the hand, 01:24:38.158 --> 01:24:40.728 takes me in the back. Daktari meets Deliverance. 01:24:41.095 --> 01:24:44.431 I'm expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, 01:24:44.565 --> 01:24:49.470 "Oh, cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out"! 01:24:50.371 --> 01:24:54.174 "Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger"! 01:24:54.808 --> 01:25:00.014 "This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's cloette". 01:25:01.215 --> 01:25:04.985 But part of me went, "Could be fun"! 01:25:06.787 --> 01:25:09.123 Make a great story for a bar. 01:25:09.823 --> 01:25:12.426 A guy's going "I had a wild night in Vegas". 01:25:12.927 --> 01:25:15.496 "Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla". 01:25:17.665 --> 01:25:18.999 "Where's everybody going"? 01:25:21.802 --> 01:25:26.574 And you don't want that late night phone call, "Hello"? 01:25:28.042 --> 01:25:30.411 "Don't call me"! 01:25:32.112 --> 01:25:34.081 Maybe it's because I'm 50. 01:25:34.215 --> 01:25:37.384 When you hit 50, the old machinery doesn't work so well. 01:25:37.451 --> 01:25:41.589 You be at a public rest room going, "How're you doing? Great game today, huh"? 01:26:05.446 --> 01:26:08.215 "Oh, boy"! 01:26:08.382 --> 01:26:12.920 What's happened is your prostate is bigger than your ego now. 01:26:13.254 --> 01:26:17.291 When you're in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old... 01:26:18.292 --> 01:26:19.426 First time is "Oh, my God"! 01:26:19.560 --> 01:26:21.896 "I'm just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams". 01:26:22.463 --> 01:26:24.932 I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's name. 01:26:25.065 --> 01:26:26.066 Don't do that! 01:26:28.636 --> 01:26:32.306 - Who's Dr. Smith? - You're the only one! 01:26:32.973 --> 01:26:35.075 When a woman has to go to the gynecologist, 01:26:35.209 --> 01:26:37.444 you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. 01:26:37.945 --> 01:26:40.548 You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician. 01:26:41.749 --> 01:26:45.586 You don't want somebody going, "How are we today... Oh, a dove"! 01:26:46.954 --> 01:26:48.989 "Wow, what's this"?! 01:26:52.226 --> 01:26:54.495 "Is this your card"? 01:26:54.662 --> 01:26:59.667 I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. No! 01:27:00.467 --> 01:27:01.769 "How you're doing today"? 01:27:01.902 --> 01:27:04.672 "Take your hand out of my ass. I'm not a muppet. Move it"! 01:27:05.873 --> 01:27:11.512 In your 50s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-proctoscope. 01:27:11.545 --> 01:27:13.480 The colonoscopy. That's what W. did. 01:27:13.847 --> 01:27:16.584 It's a video camera on the end of a rodeo rudder. 01:27:17.785 --> 01:27:20.120 And it's going up you! 01:27:20.554 --> 01:27:23.324 Suddenly, you're your own Discovery channel special. 01:27:24.325 --> 01:27:27.561 "Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon". 01:27:28.195 --> 01:27:30.064 "This must be what you see". 01:27:30.331 --> 01:27:35.135 "Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in '85". 01:27:35.402 --> 01:27:39.373 - Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr. Williams. 01:27:39.840 --> 01:27:41.909 They go further up your ass, they blow air. 01:27:42.710 --> 01:27:45.246 Now you're a fucking party favour. 01:27:47.615 --> 01:27:52.753 Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me 120 psi! 01:27:53.921 --> 01:27:55.422 You feel like a Pinata, you think little Mexican kids 01:27:55.556 --> 01:27:58.225 are gonna come out and go, "Get the presents"! 01:27:58.893 --> 01:28:02.830 The air is coming this way. The farts are going, "Incoming"! 01:28:03.464 --> 01:28:06.433 "It's not a... No finger! It's the midget! 01:28:06.467 --> 01:28:09.570 "Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command"! 01:28:10.504 --> 01:28:13.507 "Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise"! 01:28:13.204 --> 01:28:18.507 Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude! 01:28:22.783 --> 01:28:27.054 "Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing"! 01:28:29.823 --> 01:28:32.793 Fourty miles, blowing outta you! 01:28:36.063 --> 01:28:40.367 You put on your pants and you're floating like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup. 01:28:41.168 --> 01:28:43.270 "Coming about, Jimmy. She's your"! 01:28:44.705 --> 01:28:47.241 And then you realize... "Oh, shit, fire in the hole"! 01:28:48.409 --> 01:28:51.278 "Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here"! 01:28:51.712 --> 01:28:53.347 "Thank you, doctor. See you next week". 01:28:57.785 --> 01:28:59.453 "Hold the elevator"! 01:29:00.354 --> 01:29:02.056 "Fuck you, you bastard"! 01:29:07.895 --> 01:29:09.029 Seven flights of stairs. 01:29:10.364 --> 01:29:13.133 Everybody you pass, you're going "It's me"! 01:29:13.867 --> 01:29:16.770 Dogs look at you like "Roll over, man, you're dead"! 01:29:17.471 --> 01:29:20.307 You just wanna borrow a match. "Give me that"! 01:29:21.175 --> 01:29:22.543 Flaming asshole. 01:29:23.143 --> 01:29:27.948 That's what you are. You're a flaming asshole! You're 50! 01:29:28.883 --> 01:29:31.285 And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, 01:29:31.452 --> 01:29:33.854 to keep all of your organs intact 'til your golden years? No! 01:29:35.089 --> 01:29:36.724 Can they make a drug to give you 01:29:36.857 --> 01:29:39.493 mental clarity to your golden time? No! 01:29:40.594 --> 01:29:44.164 They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! 01:29:45.799 --> 01:29:48.469 Grandpa can have wood again. 01:29:52.172 --> 01:29:54.208 - I don't need the walker! - I see that! 01:29:55.476 --> 01:29:56.610 And your grandmother's going 01:29:56.744 --> 01:29:59.046 "Shit! I thought the war was over"! 01:29:59.914 --> 01:30:03.584 "Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing"! 01:30:10.558 --> 01:30:14.995 People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin... 01:30:15.863 --> 01:30:19.767 "Oh, dear God, I don't remember Pete being like that". 01:30:20.267 --> 01:30:22.269 "Kids, go get some horse shoes". 01:30:23.571 --> 01:30:25.506 "He would've wanted it that way". 01:30:26.106 --> 01:30:30.678 You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac. 01:30:30.711 --> 01:30:33.514 Like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. 01:30:34.081 --> 01:30:36.150 To give you great masculinity. 01:30:36.684 --> 01:30:42.056 But now you're on Viagra. You are back! You are Frankencock! 01:30:42.389 --> 01:30:45.359 You are "the Inseminator"! 01:30:45.526 --> 01:30:47.428 You are ready to go! 01:30:47.561 --> 01:30:52.833 You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half! 01:30:53.334 --> 01:30:56.870 Guys are going "Yeah"! Women are going "Uh-uh". 01:30:57.905 --> 01:31:00.975 Cause after the first hour, your wife's going 01:31:01.008 --> 01:31:05.012 "Yay, oh, big daddy..." 01:31:06.780 --> 01:31:08.816 "Listen, I got shit to do, OK"? 01:31:14.455 --> 01:31:15.556 "Hello"? 01:31:16.991 --> 01:31:20.694 "Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking..." 01:31:22.229 --> 01:31:26.634 "I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing"! 01:31:27.468 --> 01:31:28.636 You can't go outside with a hard-on 01:31:28.769 --> 01:31:31.372 cause the cat just waits for you to go... 01:31:32.473 --> 01:31:34.975 And your dog is going, "Wow, you too"?! 01:31:35.075 --> 01:31:36.076 Can't go to work like 01:31:36.110 --> 01:31:38.679 - Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete? 01:31:38.712 --> 01:31:40.848 "I'm happy to be here today"! 01:31:41.282 --> 01:31:43.517 Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit! 01:31:43.951 --> 01:31:45.486 You have to make it go away. You slap it. 01:31:45.619 --> 01:31:48.322 It's like one of those punch-me clowns. 01:31:50.624 --> 01:31:54.228 "I'm not going anywhere"! 01:31:54.395 --> 01:31:57.565 You have to finish it off. 01:31:57.598 --> 01:31:59.433 In the old days was... 01:32:00.601 --> 01:32:02.670 Now, after an hour and a half, 01:32:02.803 --> 01:32:04.638 you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. 01:32:05.005 --> 01:32:08.209 So, when you go, it's like... 01:32:08.976 --> 01:32:10.044 Oh, my eyes! 01:32:10.177 --> 01:32:13.714 And your wife goes, "Now you know how it feels, asshole"! 01:32:16.951 --> 01:32:19.353 "Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"! 01:32:20.054 --> 01:32:22.823 "I'm like a Lawn Boy! Get out"! 01:32:22.990 --> 01:32:24.158 "Save yourselves"! 01:32:24.491 --> 01:32:27.795 - Not the drapes! - Too late... I own them now. 01:32:32.600 --> 01:32:34.602 You run out of semen and your testicles are going 01:32:34.735 --> 01:32:36.837 "We still got an erection, chief"! 01:32:37.438 --> 01:32:40.007 "Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid"! 01:32:44.211 --> 01:32:48.649 "Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away"! 01:32:50.684 --> 01:32:53.754 You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing... 01:33:13.507 --> 01:33:15.175 "Don't touch it"! 01:33:21.916 --> 01:33:24.985 "Don't look at it"! 01:33:25.119 --> 01:33:27.054 "Don't even think about it"! 01:33:28.422 --> 01:33:31.525 And then you realize that God, 01:33:31.659 --> 01:33:34.094 gave you a penis and a brain. 01:33:34.261 --> 01:33:38.599 And only enough blood to run one at a time. 01:33:43.637 --> 01:33:46.373 You have lost thoughts from your childhood. 01:33:50.044 --> 01:33:52.246 And then you hear these words from your lady... 01:33:52.379 --> 01:33:54.615 "My turn"! 01:33:57.585 --> 01:34:00.187 "You can't fucking be serious"! 01:34:02.223 --> 01:34:04.592 "Look at me, I'm Goo Boy! What are you doing"? 01:34:06.627 --> 01:34:08.896 "That's right, Corky! It's time to saddle up". 01:34:09.029 --> 01:34:10.864 "We're heading South of the border". 01:34:11.732 --> 01:34:13.367 "You gotta please Missy". 01:34:14.435 --> 01:34:16.003 I have one question for the ladies... 01:34:16.804 --> 01:34:18.472 Do we look like this? 01:35:12.793 --> 01:35:14.895 "Are you almost there"? 01:35:15.629 --> 01:35:18.432 "No, no, no. I will finish"! 01:35:19.133 --> 01:35:21.435 "I love you"! 01:35:22.436 --> 01:35:26.207 "I love you! I will finish". 01:35:27.374 --> 01:35:32.546 "I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue". 01:35:33.147 --> 01:35:34.748 "Who's your daddy"? 01:35:35.716 --> 01:35:38.085 "I love you"! 01:35:38.552 --> 01:35:40.654 "I will finish". 01:35:53.667 --> 01:35:55.736 Good night! 01:36:31.071 --> 01:36:33.173 Thank you! 01:36:38.345 --> 01:36:39.547 Thank you! 01:36:41.015 --> 01:36:41.949 This night for New York! 01:36:44.618 --> 01:36:47.087 What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? 01:36:48.055 --> 01:36:49.490 Good night! 01:36:54.061 --> 01:36:55.796 You're the best! 01:36:57.965 --> 01:36:59.166 We did it! 01:37:05.839 --> 01:37:07.274 My pink lady...