1 00:00:30,526 --> 00:00:33,930 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams! 2 00:00:49,852 --> 00:00:50,886 Thank you! 3 00:00:55,804 --> 00:00:57,620 Oh, please! 4 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,669 Sit the fuck down! 5 00:01:01,830 --> 00:01:02,964 Thank you! 6 00:01:04,185 --> 00:01:05,353 Thank you! 7 00:01:05,981 --> 00:01:07,649 Thank you! 8 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,945 Oh, yes! 9 00:01:11,229 --> 00:01:13,589 Oh, yes, my little semain headed friend! 10 00:01:15,223 --> 00:01:17,325 That's it! Good night! Thank you very much! 11 00:01:19,136 --> 00:01:22,139 Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front. 12 00:01:22,139 --> 00:01:24,374 Let's have a cigarette, let's relax. 13 00:01:24,374 --> 00:01:26,917 We're here in New York, fucking New York! 14 00:01:28,890 --> 00:01:30,458 Yes! 15 00:01:32,123 --> 00:01:36,861 Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater! 16 00:01:37,228 --> 00:01:40,164 This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! 17 00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:43,000 So that's the way you like it! 18 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,072 Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"! 19 00:01:47,873 --> 00:01:51,000 Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! 20 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:54,548 I'm over here! 21 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,584 I'm down here! 22 00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,821 This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, 23 00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:02,523 also owned by America On Line... 24 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,725 "You've got mail". I hope you don't have stocks! 25 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,528 Welcome! 26 00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:09,964 Don't be afraid! 27 00:02:11,666 --> 00:02:13,834 It was so reassuring the other day... 28 00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,804 George W. Bush talked to the stock market and... 29 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,875 It must be him talking about business ethics 30 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:22,977 it's kinda like having a leopard give you a facial. 31 00:02:23,044 --> 00:02:25,046 It doesn't really work! 32 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,417 "A lot of our imports come from other countries". 33 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,385 No shit?! 34 00:02:32,954 --> 00:02:35,423 Moving right along... 35 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:39,026 Meanwhile, Michael is protesting... 36 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:44,498 I don't know, baby... 37 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,236 It was strange enought when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding. 38 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:51,872 That for me was like, "You're pushing the term, my man"! 39 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:56,577 That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? 40 00:02:56,611 --> 00:03:00,047 - "What are you doing"? - "I'm the best man"! 41 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,683 Now Michael is claming rasism. 42 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,286 I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first". 43 00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:15,663 "What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves"? 44 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:19,100 "Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for"? 45 00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:22,603 "You were Diana Ross. Now you've just left it all behind". 46 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,709 Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced... 47 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:32,546 And you spend more money than the Vatican. 48 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:34,882 If you go to Neverland, it says 49 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:37,484 "You must be this high to ride Michael". 50 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:49,396 Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, "Fuck"! 51 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,599 But how fucked up do you have to be 52 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,368 for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man"! 53 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,778 If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, 54 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:08,115 even rats are going, "Man, that guy's quick"! 55 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:11,317 "From the Don King School of hair processing..." 56 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,954 He's running for office in Idaho on the 57 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:18,626 "What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket. 58 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,729 Sorry, my lips just went, "What the fuck did you say"? 59 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,399 Couple of dyslexic people went, "Thank you, Robin"! 60 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:27,568 "Thank you"! 61 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,437 We were worried about the pledge of allegiance. 62 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,373 We were gonna say "One nation under dog"! 63 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,441 It's OK. 64 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,911 I know people are going "I've got a cure for this"! 65 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,014 "One nation under Canada, above Mexico". 66 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:43,217 But then you have to the whole... 67 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:47,187 There's anthems like "Someone bless America"! 68 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:50,391 On the dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust", 69 00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,793 "In Gates We Trust"! 70 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,129 "Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly"? 71 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,363 "Monopoly is just a game, senator". 72 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,966 "I'm trying to control the fucking world". 73 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,137 Don't you see Windows Millenium? 74 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,072 It's all leading to Information Technology. 75 00:05:05,239 --> 00:05:07,975 Soon it will be Total Information Technology, "TIT". 76 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:12,913 And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. 77 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,416 Don't be afraid! 78 00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:18,519 It's a nice day in New York, my people. 79 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:22,556 NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go! 80 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:27,294 Stop! OK, go on again! 81 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:31,332 You're it! Get the fuck outta here! 82 00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:35,970 I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like "are you OK"?. 83 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:40,040 People're back to being newyorkers like "Have a nice day, asshole"! 84 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:43,077 "Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day"! 85 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:47,348 But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is 86 00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:50,251 that the ladies take the twins for a walk! 87 00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:53,120 Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! 88 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:59,026 On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go... 89 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:03,397 Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going... 90 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,568 And then they hit a breeze and "chicken's done"! 91 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,238 Yes! Yeah, baby! 92 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,208 These are not like the tits in Vegas, 93 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,911 where even God goes "I didn't make those"! 94 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,415 Weird tits. You know fake tits are like nazis. 95 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,584 They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just... 96 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,087 "I'm walking here"! 97 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:30,324 I've seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there. 98 00:06:33,294 --> 00:06:37,865 Babies, lucky they don't have any teeth becayse they'd knock them out. 99 00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:39,900 I've seen tits that are really bad, 100 00:06:40,034 --> 00:06:42,636 like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy. 101 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:53,480 When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like... 102 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:58,385 "I'm so scared, but I can't express it". 103 00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:03,591 These are the ladies who've had so much surgery, they're going 104 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:04,925 "What are these lumps under my eyes"? 105 00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,760 "Those are your tits, madam"! 106 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:12,032 - And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski! 107 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,403 This is good news for you. 108 00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:19,907 And girls getting Botox injections...? 109 00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:24,812 - Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression. 110 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:28,482 You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful. 111 00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:36,023 When guys say to you "Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK"? 112 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:39,293 "Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man". 113 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,495 And you say "OK, daddy man"! 114 00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:45,266 "Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK"? 115 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:49,436 I want you to get those big old basket balls. 116 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:53,374 So when you do the baywatch thing, it's like... 117 00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:59,213 Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. 118 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:04,051 So you go to the doctor... 119 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,990 Payback's a bitch! Go for it, girls! 120 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:14,194 Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. 121 00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:19,867 Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird! 122 00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:21,435 The weathermen are going, 123 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,837 "I don't fucking know what's going on"! 124 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:27,107 "Let's just see what happens". 125 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:31,078 Flowers were like Anne Heche going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..." 126 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,748 "I don't know where to go"! 127 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:46,093 George came back from Japan, he went "I went to the Coyote Conference" 128 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,230 - No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car. 129 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,533 George, walk away. 130 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:54,802 And they say there's no global warming, 131 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,204 but right now the North Pole is a pool. 132 00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:02,743 It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking. 133 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,548 It's 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, 134 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,748 "Is it hot enough for you"? 135 00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:12,253 "No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra". 136 00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:17,524 "I like my old man tities to lactate, my man". 137 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:22,529 You see people in shorts and you're going "Please, don't wear those"! 138 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,466 "Oh please, don't put those on"! 139 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,501 If you go to South West Airline they're going, 140 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:31,272 "Sorry, you're not fat, you're horizontally challenged". 141 00:09:31,906 --> 00:09:35,509 Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. 142 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,745 The problem is that they are not together. 143 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,684 And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack. 144 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:46,720 People don't mind now. We're working our way through. 145 00:09:46,921 --> 00:09:48,889 All over the country you've got weird things. 146 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,358 In Houston they got Enron field. 147 00:09:51,492 --> 00:09:54,528 "We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck..." 148 00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:58,432 We can't call it "We're fucked field"! 149 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:02,436 "Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways". 150 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:08,075 And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch. 151 00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,812 No! 152 00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,548 Say it ain't so! 153 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:18,352 I like to consider it more like "severe companion". 154 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:23,123 If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space", 155 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:28,229 use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. 156 00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:32,733 Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. 157 00:10:33,601 --> 00:10:38,839 The first time she has lunch going "You call this keesh"? 158 00:10:38,973 --> 00:10:42,810 Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine! 159 00:10:46,614 --> 00:10:50,985 All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland. 160 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:54,388 I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. 161 00:10:54,455 --> 00:10:56,056 They're some severe... 162 00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:59,927 They're colours there that have never seen daylight. 163 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,197 I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like 164 00:11:03,364 --> 00:11:08,469 "Take your finger outta my ass, cause I'm leaving you behind"! 165 00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:14,074 Funny ass shit people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here. 166 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:17,278 It's HBO, cause it's live. 167 00:11:21,282 --> 00:11:23,884 People playing baseball. You've got a good seat. 168 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,853 Yankees are kicking again, way to go! 169 00:11:30,391 --> 00:11:32,493 You did a good job. It came through. 170 00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:36,330 Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. 171 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:39,133 Here's one quick way you tell 172 00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:43,070 on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. 173 00:11:43,237 --> 00:11:44,572 So if someone steps up to the plate 174 00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:47,575 with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, "You're out"! 175 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,579 Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him 176 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:52,846 and when they do it, they're trying to kill him. 177 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,115 He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball. 178 00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:59,620 For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan. 179 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:02,623 It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. 180 00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:05,826 Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, 181 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,529 Christians will get Christmas and Easter 182 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,865 and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. 183 00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:18,505 Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off"! 184 00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:20,574 "What are you doing, you asshole"! 185 00:12:22,877 --> 00:12:25,546 I'm very excited because this is my time 186 00:12:25,713 --> 00:12:28,449 when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man. 187 00:12:28,616 --> 00:12:30,317 I saw world cup, baby. 188 00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:33,287 There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going 189 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,423 "Uh, that's like football without pads, right"? 190 00:12:36,624 --> 00:12:38,692 For the rest of the world, it's football. 191 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,762 For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people". 192 00:12:42,663 --> 00:12:45,065 We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. 193 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:48,135 Not like the World Series, cause the French don't have a baseball team. 194 00:12:48,569 --> 00:12:52,306 If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. 195 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,842 You know what I'm saying? 196 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:59,613 What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore! 197 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:06,587 The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! 198 00:13:06,654 --> 00:13:09,723 We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care! 199 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:14,695 My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France. 200 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:18,198 And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals". 201 00:13:18,332 --> 00:13:21,402 "It's chemotherapy, you little toad sucker". 202 00:13:22,503 --> 00:13:25,706 Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. 203 00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:29,810 Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker, do it! 204 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,146 Don't be afraid. 205 00:13:33,314 --> 00:13:37,651 When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. 206 00:13:37,785 --> 00:13:41,188 We made it to the sixteen, baby! 207 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:48,996 We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category. 208 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:52,967 They used to see us coming "Give it to them, they're damaged people"! 209 00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:58,505 Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I shoot the ball! 210 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:03,911 Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like... 211 00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,948 And the fans are like... 212 00:14:08,816 --> 00:14:11,886 Brazilians are going "Look, I'm playing soccer..." 213 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,655 "Look, I'm scoring"! 214 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:17,558 "And now I'm kicking the ball". 215 00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:22,763 Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive agressive though. 216 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:26,934 I didn't do anything... What are you looking at? 217 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,969 It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes 218 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,104 "Bang, motherfucker"! 219 00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:32,439 That's why there are no Spanish hockey players. 220 00:14:32,606 --> 00:14:34,708 When a white guy takes a stick and goes... 221 00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,411 "Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now"! 222 00:14:38,212 --> 00:14:42,516 "And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker"! 223 00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,685 "Coming in there! Goddamnit"! 224 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:51,025 Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like... 225 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:57,131 "I've been killed... I've been blinded..." 226 00:14:57,932 --> 00:15:03,204 "There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding"! 227 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,974 And the referee comes over, "Yellow card"! 228 00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,211 Two yellow cards, "Red card"! 229 00:15:10,611 --> 00:15:13,814 Hold on, three cards, "Green card"! 230 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,750 And the referee is so sweet, too. 231 00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:23,224 "What's your name? Turn around". 232 00:15:26,594 --> 00:15:29,029 "Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game"? 233 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,972 Not like football referees who have that "too much commercial time"! 234 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:41,242 Mad white man dancing on the field! 235 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,613 Moving away. Moving away. 236 00:15:48,616 --> 00:15:51,652 In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing, 237 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:52,853 someone may have been paid off. 238 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,456 Oh, shit, say it ain't so! 239 00:15:56,023 --> 00:16:00,027 You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off! 240 00:16:02,196 --> 00:16:04,665 There's a game mafia! 241 00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:12,172 The mov-hand! 242 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:18,045 Fairy Godfather, "Does this pistol make my ass look big"? 243 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,751 If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do, "Love ya"! 244 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:27,555 "Love you"! "Hey, love you"! 245 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:40,734 The worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. 246 00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:42,803 Once again, the French fuck with us! 247 00:16:43,904 --> 00:16:48,108 The Canadians, they skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh"! 248 00:16:48,309 --> 00:16:51,078 And then the Russians they come and fuck up 249 00:16:51,245 --> 00:16:55,683 and the French judge went, "How lifelike, they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"? 250 00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:59,720 At that point I'm going "Where is Tanya Harding when you need her"? 251 00:17:00,654 --> 00:17:04,758 Tanya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro. 252 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:08,729 "Give me that medal, you French whore"! 253 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,967 "I won"! 254 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:17,003 Instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones 255 00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,473 in an all white trash weekend. 256 00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:24,612 Trailer park Tuesday! 257 00:17:24,879 --> 00:17:30,751 Tanya went right for the nose, "Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"! 258 00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:34,855 Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbit. 259 00:17:34,889 --> 00:17:37,925 There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend. 260 00:17:38,626 --> 00:17:42,796 "Fuck, man, give that back! My balls are in the front row"! 261 00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:47,535 What's next? "The Nixon daughters battle for the library money". 262 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:51,205 "Be there as my bitches go at it"! 263 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:52,974 At this point, even Caligula is going, 264 00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:55,776 "What the fuck are you people doing"? 265 00:17:55,910 --> 00:17:57,878 Why don't you have Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef 266 00:17:58,012 --> 00:18:00,080 just kick out the jams? 267 00:18:00,114 --> 00:18:04,052 Cause we've got The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. 268 00:18:04,185 --> 00:18:07,454 People in Texas are going "We got those shows". 269 00:18:08,722 --> 00:18:12,126 "We just don't film'em". 270 00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:16,764 Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. 271 00:18:16,797 --> 00:18:19,833 People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun now"? 272 00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:23,571 Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week. 273 00:18:23,704 --> 00:18:26,207 It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy". 274 00:18:32,146 --> 00:18:36,050 And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide. 275 00:18:42,823 --> 00:18:44,158 It's crazy! 276 00:18:49,663 --> 00:18:53,067 Even the Taliban is going "You are crazy motherfuckers"! 277 00:18:53,434 --> 00:18:55,636 There was a guy with one leg. They weren't gonna give him a wodden leg. 278 00:18:55,803 --> 00:18:58,072 He was gonna be dead man hopping. 279 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,812 There is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, 280 00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,147 they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice! 281 00:19:11,118 --> 00:19:12,553 "What the fuck are you doing"? 282 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:17,791 "We don't want you to get that last-second infection"! 283 00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,695 "It's all safe now". 284 00:19:22,363 --> 00:19:26,567 You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place! 285 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,570 What, was Amish country booked, what happened? 286 00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:34,441 "Come on down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's 1955". 287 00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:38,245 "Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down"! 288 00:19:38,646 --> 00:19:40,714 At the closing ceremony they introduced 289 00:19:40,881 --> 00:19:43,684 Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah. 290 00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:50,891 I went "Uh-uh, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas". 291 00:19:54,995 --> 00:19:59,633 If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. 292 00:20:00,234 --> 00:20:04,572 Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him. 293 00:20:06,173 --> 00:20:07,508 We're at the olympics once again, 294 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,611 we're talking about the figure skating. 295 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:13,314 I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. 296 00:20:13,847 --> 00:20:17,084 Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good. 297 00:20:18,085 --> 00:20:21,322 There's that pairs figure skating. There's that one very special lift. 298 00:20:21,355 --> 00:20:23,424 Where the male skater goes... 299 00:20:24,124 --> 00:20:25,526 Right here! 300 00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:29,263 Where even a gynecologist would go "Put on a glove, man"! 301 00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:33,267 Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? 302 00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:37,104 And I'm going "Let's cut the foreplay," 303 00:20:37,238 --> 00:20:39,373 "let's have ice fucking, come on"! 304 00:20:53,387 --> 00:20:57,892 And she holds on without her hands! 305 00:21:14,375 --> 00:21:18,045 Even the French judge would go "I like it"! 306 00:21:18,212 --> 00:21:22,449 "I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians"! 307 00:21:22,483 --> 00:21:24,585 "So fabulous"! 308 00:21:25,286 --> 00:21:28,923 There's other kinda sexual things in the Olympics, there's the louge, 309 00:21:29,089 --> 00:21:30,291 about which I have only one question. 310 00:21:30,424 --> 00:21:34,695 What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? 311 00:21:36,330 --> 00:21:39,400 "You know what? I want to dress like a sperm," 312 00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:43,437 "shove an ice skate in my ass," 313 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:46,974 "and go balls first down an ice chute". 314 00:21:47,408 --> 00:21:50,277 "Ya! That would be fun". 315 00:21:52,146 --> 00:21:54,715 No! This is for pussies! 316 00:21:55,216 --> 00:21:57,651 - How will you stir? - I will do kegels! 317 00:21:58,886 --> 00:22:01,722 "I will flex my ass and go down the ramp"! 318 00:22:03,324 --> 00:22:06,193 And do not talk to me about the two men louge. 319 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,529 I'm saying "Boys, get a room"! 320 00:22:08,562 --> 00:22:11,832 "Make that turn, you bastard, make it"! 321 00:22:11,999 --> 00:22:14,568 "Hard right, you fucker, hard right"! 322 00:22:15,236 --> 00:22:20,307 Pour guy gets to the end of the run "I got wood man, I'm sorry"! 323 00:22:20,441 --> 00:22:22,176 "You cost us the race"! 324 00:22:22,543 --> 00:22:25,479 "Your penis going frr was 200 of a second winds resistance"! 325 00:22:26,614 --> 00:22:28,682 "We could've won if you weren't going brrring"! 326 00:22:29,083 --> 00:22:30,718 "Dolphin boy"! 327 00:22:34,355 --> 00:22:36,757 There's always some horrible drug scandal. 328 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:39,226 This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor... 329 00:22:39,293 --> 00:22:40,561 Skilor, which is like a skier. 330 00:22:42,029 --> 00:22:45,165 - Are you a skilor? - Yes! 331 00:22:46,967 --> 00:22:51,972 They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug. 332 00:22:52,006 --> 00:22:54,975 Like an elephant growth hormone. 333 00:22:55,109 --> 00:22:57,545 "Are you on some sort of drug"? 334 00:22:59,547 --> 00:23:02,082 "Are you taking an animal tranquilizer"? 335 00:23:04,451 --> 00:23:10,190 And they didn't bother drug testing the snowboarders. 336 00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:13,561 "Go, go my little boys, have fun"! 337 00:23:14,695 --> 00:23:17,998 I guess they realized the word "half pipe" ment something. 338 00:23:19,567 --> 00:23:22,770 Remember the kid who won the gold medal? 339 00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:24,572 He was in freestyle. 340 00:23:24,605 --> 00:23:29,877 - You wanna be on a box of Whities? - No. Count Chocula. 341 00:23:29,910 --> 00:23:32,146 A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! 342 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,783 The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, 343 00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:38,619 they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, 344 00:23:38,719 --> 00:23:39,787 which is kinda redundant number one. 345 00:23:39,853 --> 00:23:44,959 Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". 346 00:23:48,996 --> 00:23:53,067 Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, 347 00:23:53,133 --> 00:23:55,736 but you are certainly not fucking empowered. 348 00:23:57,104 --> 00:24:00,841 When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. 349 00:24:01,642 --> 00:24:03,711 The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is 350 00:24:03,844 --> 00:24:06,146 if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. 351 00:24:08,616 --> 00:24:10,651 Then you'll be like... 352 00:24:12,586 --> 00:24:16,323 Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there"! 353 00:24:16,690 --> 00:24:18,959 Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back 354 00:24:19,126 --> 00:24:21,795 and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck! 355 00:24:22,563 --> 00:24:25,633 Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh? 356 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,002 They have weird sports like the Biathalon 357 00:24:28,135 --> 00:24:30,237 which is like Norwegian drive-by. 358 00:24:32,973 --> 00:24:34,375 "Get the TV, Hans"! 359 00:24:36,944 --> 00:24:41,415 The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. 360 00:24:41,582 --> 00:24:46,453 God bless you Canadian people. 361 00:24:46,487 --> 00:24:48,789 You're so fucking nice, eh? 362 00:24:49,523 --> 00:24:52,326 It's your only fucking sport, come on! 363 00:24:53,694 --> 00:24:55,396 That and a mutant form of football. 364 00:24:55,563 --> 00:24:56,964 "We've got 13 men, we have a longer field" 365 00:24:57,164 --> 00:24:58,866 "No, you have fun, enjoy"! 366 00:25:00,868 --> 00:25:04,605 Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party. 367 00:25:08,108 --> 00:25:10,444 "Keep it down, eh"? 368 00:25:13,914 --> 00:25:17,651 "We are nice. We have Jean Chritien, our great prime minister". 369 00:25:17,685 --> 00:25:20,921 He was the only man in the world who said, "I don't need no secret service" 370 00:25:20,955 --> 00:25:23,591 "If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh"? 371 00:25:23,924 --> 00:25:27,695 "I'm Jean Chritien which versus your president, who's a cretin". 372 00:25:27,895 --> 00:25:31,799 Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. 373 00:25:32,633 --> 00:25:33,834 It's like a kid moving out of the house, 374 00:25:33,968 --> 00:25:36,170 -But I still would like to get money. -Fuck off you! 375 00:25:37,972 --> 00:25:41,275 Canadian money is also called the Looney. 376 00:25:41,442 --> 00:25:44,144 How can you take an economic crisis seriously? 377 00:25:45,746 --> 00:25:48,849 - The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you! 378 00:25:49,516 --> 00:25:50,684 What are you saying, eh? 379 00:25:51,886 --> 00:25:56,223 Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight. 380 00:25:56,490 --> 00:25:57,992 "Security was amazing at the Olympics". 381 00:25:58,158 --> 00:26:00,961 Utah's the whitest fucking State in the Union! 382 00:26:01,762 --> 00:26:05,733 An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice! 383 00:26:09,837 --> 00:26:15,376 - We found one! - He's just tanned. Everybody off! 384 00:26:15,576 --> 00:26:18,812 The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere. 385 00:26:18,946 --> 00:26:20,414 All the dogs looking for anthrax were going 386 00:26:22,850 --> 00:26:24,652 "You go, man, you go"! 387 00:26:25,085 --> 00:26:27,354 Pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocain. 388 00:26:27,454 --> 00:26:29,356 In the cage at the end of the day they're going 389 00:26:29,523 --> 00:26:32,326 "I can't taste my ass, I don't know why..." 390 00:26:34,895 --> 00:26:36,730 "It's my tail"! 391 00:26:38,732 --> 00:26:40,467 Meanwhile your cat sits over there going 392 00:26:40,634 --> 00:26:42,870 "You're still an asshole, you know that". 393 00:26:43,704 --> 00:26:46,874 Is it me, or are cats drag queens? 394 00:26:47,274 --> 00:26:49,143 The way they kinda go "Who loves Kitty"? 395 00:26:54,014 --> 00:26:55,349 "Are these your shoes"? 396 00:26:57,952 --> 00:27:00,254 Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty? 397 00:27:01,055 --> 00:27:03,824 Male cats have that amazing thing, 398 00:27:03,924 --> 00:27:06,427 where they kinda walk around going "That's mine"! 399 00:27:08,796 --> 00:27:11,131 "Mine"! 400 00:27:12,066 --> 00:27:14,134 "I like that too". 401 00:27:14,635 --> 00:27:17,004 Thank God men aren't like that! 402 00:27:17,037 --> 00:27:20,407 "Nice car, Bob. Mine now"! 403 00:27:21,375 --> 00:27:24,812 - What are you doing? - Just shopping! 404 00:27:38,592 --> 00:27:40,594 The whole anthrax thing had people going... 405 00:27:40,728 --> 00:27:43,264 They said "Don't open your mail"! 406 00:27:44,031 --> 00:27:47,001 - Why? - There's white powder in envelopes. 407 00:27:47,434 --> 00:27:49,703 "Really"!? 408 00:27:51,005 --> 00:27:53,474 "Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes"! 409 00:27:53,607 --> 00:27:55,910 "We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend". 410 00:27:56,944 --> 00:28:00,014 "And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn, trying to kill us"! 411 00:28:01,815 --> 00:28:03,918 And now, there are people trying to kill us. 412 00:28:04,118 --> 00:28:05,886 And that's why I bought a gas mask. 413 00:28:06,353 --> 00:28:11,725 I can't even get a condom on when I want to! 414 00:28:11,825 --> 00:28:17,464 "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on". 415 00:28:20,801 --> 00:28:22,670 "I'll be right with you, honey". 416 00:28:22,703 --> 00:28:26,840 "Don't go away on me now". 417 00:28:30,744 --> 00:28:32,613 You're playing "Beat the cock". 418 00:28:34,048 --> 00:28:36,784 "I got it, I got it"! 419 00:28:39,553 --> 00:28:43,123 There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit... 420 00:28:43,924 --> 00:28:45,292 "I don't think we're going in today, Pete". 421 00:28:47,094 --> 00:28:48,796 "We didn't make the deadline". 422 00:28:58,172 --> 00:29:02,943 Remember when they sent anthrax to Tom Daschle's office? 423 00:29:03,344 --> 00:29:04,912 And they cleared that fucking place out. 424 00:29:05,212 --> 00:29:09,750 "Everybody out, come on"! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving. 425 00:29:09,884 --> 00:29:10,718 And when the Congressman walked out they go 426 00:29:10,851 --> 00:29:13,954 "But the rest of you, go about your lives". 427 00:29:14,688 --> 00:29:16,323 "Everything is perfectly OK". 428 00:29:16,957 --> 00:29:19,126 "We'll be miles away". 429 00:29:19,260 --> 00:29:22,663 It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead bib over your balls. 430 00:29:22,730 --> 00:29:26,533 He walks behind concrete, going "You'll be fine"! 431 00:29:30,905 --> 00:29:32,506 How can you tell if Congress was sick? 432 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,042 It's night of the living dead anyway. 433 00:29:35,309 --> 00:29:38,312 All those old senators going 434 00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:42,016 "The confederate flag is just the symbol of state's rights". 435 00:29:42,149 --> 00:29:45,586 Yeah, and the swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. 436 00:29:50,090 --> 00:29:52,426 When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? 437 00:29:54,228 --> 00:29:56,196 He's huge! 438 00:29:56,597 --> 00:29:59,867 You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on! 439 00:30:00,234 --> 00:30:03,404 Bring him down. We're voting! 440 00:30:04,104 --> 00:30:08,175 Step away, boy. "I said no to the Crispy Cream". 441 00:30:09,610 --> 00:30:13,047 Congress recently approved the covert plan 442 00:30:13,180 --> 00:30:15,950 to assassinate Saddam Hussein. 443 00:30:18,586 --> 00:30:21,822 So what they've done, is publicly approve 444 00:30:21,956 --> 00:30:24,925 the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. 445 00:30:25,893 --> 00:30:28,128 I wonder if he knows? 446 00:30:30,564 --> 00:30:36,003 I know there's a cure for bio terrorism that they sent at us. 447 00:30:37,404 --> 00:30:40,507 And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. 448 00:30:41,242 --> 00:30:42,276 He is the only man on the planet who can go, 449 00:30:42,409 --> 00:30:46,680 "Anthrax? All right..." 450 00:30:49,850 --> 00:30:53,520 "Doesn't go with my E. cola, but fuck"! 451 00:30:54,855 --> 00:30:59,293 Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. 452 00:31:00,294 --> 00:31:05,966 I've seen him go to a drug dealer who said "I'm out, man"! 453 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:07,534 "I have nothing left". 454 00:31:07,935 --> 00:31:10,304 Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. 455 00:31:10,437 --> 00:31:13,874 Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it. 456 00:31:14,008 --> 00:31:16,944 I just wanna know who gets his blood? 457 00:31:17,077 --> 00:31:18,245 Some old Swiss man's going, 458 00:31:18,379 --> 00:31:22,349 "Heidi! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"! 459 00:31:23,083 --> 00:31:26,086 "We've gotta pay for mixed babies". 460 00:31:27,788 --> 00:31:30,491 We may all be dead and gone, 461 00:31:30,624 --> 00:31:34,194 Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. 462 00:31:34,562 --> 00:31:37,565 Keith'll go, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that"? 463 00:31:38,966 --> 00:31:41,268 "Fucking crazy..." 464 00:31:42,369 --> 00:31:46,273 Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, 465 00:31:46,307 --> 00:31:49,677 "I don't know where. I don't know when". 466 00:31:50,978 --> 00:31:53,948 "But something awful's going to happen". 467 00:31:54,148 --> 00:31:57,985 "Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions". 468 00:31:58,118 --> 00:32:00,721 Excuse me, can you give me a clue? 469 00:32:00,754 --> 00:32:03,991 What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now? 470 00:32:04,758 --> 00:32:07,294 Are you working with Miss Cleo? 471 00:32:10,431 --> 00:32:13,067 "I don't know where, I don't know when," 472 00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,469 "but somethin' awful's gonna happen"! 473 00:32:16,270 --> 00:32:17,771 "And definitely don't marry that fat man". 474 00:32:17,905 --> 00:32:19,673 "He only wants you for your money, girl"! 475 00:32:20,774 --> 00:32:24,645 People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went "Fucking duh"! 476 00:32:26,013 --> 00:32:31,085 What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "A-ha"! 477 00:32:31,785 --> 00:32:35,289 If she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number? 478 00:32:36,624 --> 00:32:38,926 Number two, that fake Jamaican accent? 479 00:32:39,059 --> 00:32:41,562 If she was a real psychic, 480 00:32:41,595 --> 00:32:45,532 she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics going, "You gonna die"! 481 00:32:45,933 --> 00:32:47,334 "They have to puck your ass up" 482 00:32:47,468 --> 00:32:49,904 "so they can pull a place for your bike, come on now"! 483 00:32:50,304 --> 00:32:52,907 It's like buying hair care products from Cher. 484 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,276 She's wearing a wig, you idiot! 485 00:32:56,010 --> 00:32:59,246 Take that abdominal thing... "Help you lose weight" 486 00:32:59,380 --> 00:33:02,950 "while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV". 487 00:33:03,150 --> 00:33:07,555 "I'm getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around"! 488 00:33:08,122 --> 00:33:10,291 You strap that to your head. 489 00:33:11,792 --> 00:33:15,729 And say, "I will not buy stupid shit for no reason"! 490 00:33:24,772 --> 00:33:26,574 Now we are in troubled times. 491 00:33:26,607 --> 00:33:29,243 When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. 492 00:33:29,276 --> 00:33:31,111 Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," 493 00:33:31,245 --> 00:33:33,814 it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me"? 494 00:33:34,515 --> 00:33:38,986 There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel.. 495 00:33:39,453 --> 00:33:42,623 In Washington they had F-18s flying, air cover everywhere. 496 00:33:42,723 --> 00:33:45,693 In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. 497 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,763 At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer, and I'm talking about the car. 498 00:33:54,301 --> 00:33:58,772 One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge. 499 00:33:59,239 --> 00:34:01,007 The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen 500 00:34:01,141 --> 00:34:02,943 are in jungle camouflage. 501 00:34:03,344 --> 00:34:07,614 For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange. 502 00:34:08,081 --> 00:34:12,353 So I feel like going "Be vewy, vewy quiet". 503 00:34:13,152 --> 00:34:17,324 "We're wooking for tewwowists". 504 00:34:21,762 --> 00:34:24,398 Airport security, before all this happened it was like, 505 00:34:24,531 --> 00:34:27,067 "Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on". 506 00:34:28,235 --> 00:34:31,871 "What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane". 507 00:34:32,672 --> 00:34:36,143 You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long. 508 00:34:41,943 --> 00:34:45,746 Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. 509 00:34:46,047 --> 00:34:47,349 Are they afraid you're gonna go "All right"! 510 00:34:48,984 --> 00:34:53,388 "Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle". 511 00:34:53,522 --> 00:34:57,893 "I have a nail file. I can be irritating". 512 00:34:58,093 --> 00:35:01,663 And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they won't give you a knife. 513 00:35:01,963 --> 00:35:04,066 So it's like "Quest for Fire" flight. 514 00:35:11,573 --> 00:35:14,209 "Sir, you're making a lot of noise". 515 00:35:14,843 --> 00:35:18,146 The Hindu man in the back is going "Hold the bowl higher". 516 00:35:18,947 --> 00:35:21,249 "Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands." 517 00:35:22,784 --> 00:35:26,822 Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector 518 00:35:26,855 --> 00:35:29,024 and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends... 519 00:35:30,325 --> 00:35:31,727 "Take out your keys, sir". 520 00:35:31,993 --> 00:35:34,096 "Tip of the iceberg". 521 00:35:42,604 --> 00:35:47,376 For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. 522 00:35:47,743 --> 00:35:49,578 I'm sure that was his last wish. 523 00:35:50,312 --> 00:35:52,981 I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying". 524 00:35:53,915 --> 00:35:57,018 "I want you to name a museum, a performance hall" 525 00:35:57,152 --> 00:35:59,554 "and a bolt through the cock after me". 526 00:35:59,654 --> 00:36:03,091 "That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling". 527 00:36:03,892 --> 00:36:07,996 "Sell little thongs to people like they had little anal floss". 528 00:36:08,764 --> 00:36:10,532 And I'm talking heavily pierced. 529 00:36:10,599 --> 00:36:12,467 Not like Britney Spears "I'm a virgin"! 530 00:36:12,567 --> 00:36:15,003 Yeah and Michael Jackson is a father. Move on! 531 00:36:15,804 --> 00:36:17,739 I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple. 532 00:36:17,773 --> 00:36:20,275 You know, lady... I'm guessing! 533 00:36:24,379 --> 00:36:29,184 Just kinda the way your clothes are going... 534 00:36:29,451 --> 00:36:33,855 When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No! 535 00:36:34,222 --> 00:36:38,060 Or you have two. He's and her's towels, whatever you want! 536 00:36:38,627 --> 00:36:40,695 A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun! 537 00:36:41,296 --> 00:36:44,833 It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. 538 00:36:45,067 --> 00:36:46,301 Why did you do that? 539 00:36:46,435 --> 00:36:49,171 "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathion". 540 00:36:51,873 --> 00:36:53,508 "Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy" 541 00:36:53,642 --> 00:36:57,012 "like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod". 542 00:36:57,412 --> 00:36:59,314 "But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth" 543 00:36:59,448 --> 00:37:01,783 "and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba". 544 00:37:02,884 --> 00:37:04,786 That's the trade-off, my darling. 545 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:07,456 You get the tatoo with a barb wire when you're 18 546 00:37:07,589 --> 00:37:10,625 and by the time you're 80 it's fucking picket fence. 547 00:37:11,059 --> 00:37:15,697 And Madonna turns into Margaret Hamilton going, 548 00:37:15,831 --> 00:37:20,001 "I'm dying, melting". 549 00:37:20,202 --> 00:37:20,902 Here's what you wanna do. 550 00:37:20,936 --> 00:37:24,873 When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me! 551 00:37:24,906 --> 00:37:26,808 But I had National Geographic 552 00:37:26,942 --> 00:37:29,311 and the girls that got me crazy... 553 00:37:30,245 --> 00:37:33,448 You know the ones with the slinky neck going... 554 00:37:34,216 --> 00:37:38,420 Do that, drive your parents crazy when you come down the stairs... 555 00:37:38,854 --> 00:37:40,789 Or do the full ubangy go, 556 00:37:40,856 --> 00:37:45,594 "Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player". 557 00:37:46,428 --> 00:37:48,697 And you can take out the plate and jump-rope with your lower lip. 558 00:37:48,830 --> 00:37:49,965 Have fun! 559 00:37:50,432 --> 00:37:52,467 Watch grandma go "Shit"! 560 00:37:59,808 --> 00:38:02,811 Union guys going "Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"! 561 00:38:09,885 --> 00:38:13,955 This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. 562 00:38:14,556 --> 00:38:17,225 Ten years from now, it's already starting to happen. People going, 563 00:38:19,428 --> 00:38:21,096 "I got water". 564 00:38:21,797 --> 00:38:25,834 "And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker". 565 00:38:26,768 --> 00:38:31,740 Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess goes, 566 00:38:31,773 --> 00:38:35,043 "Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five," 567 00:38:35,177 --> 00:38:38,013 "we're just gonna do a few random bag checks". 568 00:38:38,046 --> 00:38:40,449 "These are totally random". 569 00:38:41,149 --> 00:38:43,285 "I'm just gonna read off a few names". 570 00:38:47,155 --> 00:38:49,191 "Has'N'T'Been' Seen"? 571 00:38:51,660 --> 00:38:52,561 "Akeem Been'Laid"? 572 00:38:53,962 --> 00:38:55,897 "Have'N'T'Been Fucked"? 573 00:38:57,499 --> 00:38:59,301 "Judy Smith"? 574 00:38:59,634 --> 00:39:01,870 Fourteen arabs and a blonde...? 575 00:39:02,371 --> 00:39:06,675 And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going "Thank you, God"! 576 00:39:06,708 --> 00:39:10,245 "Oh, yes, we're off the list, motherfucker, yeah"! 577 00:39:12,714 --> 00:39:15,250 "They man's gonna be fucking with you now, Habib". 578 00:39:16,184 --> 00:39:18,787 "You better learn to go orderly". 579 00:39:19,354 --> 00:39:22,424 They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady, 580 00:39:22,457 --> 00:39:25,193 "Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?" Give 'em to me! 581 00:39:26,228 --> 00:39:28,430 And the five year old kid, they're patting him down, he's going, 582 00:39:28,464 --> 00:39:31,666 "What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!" 583 00:39:37,506 --> 00:39:40,375 So you've had a problem too, I guess. 584 00:39:40,409 --> 00:39:42,277 Father pats little boys down, like, 585 00:39:42,411 --> 00:39:45,847 "Good game, boy, good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!" 586 00:39:47,049 --> 00:39:51,486 They catch them, but they had the divine witness protection program. 587 00:39:52,387 --> 00:39:53,622 Find the priest, here's the pedophile, 588 00:39:53,755 --> 00:39:56,124 here's the priest, find the pedophile... 589 00:40:01,096 --> 00:40:04,900 Don't you ask, don't you tell, you might end up right in Hell. 590 00:40:05,333 --> 00:40:08,904 Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. 591 00:40:09,337 --> 00:40:13,375 Isn't it amazing? The Pope... 592 00:40:18,847 --> 00:40:20,816 Applause break number two. 593 00:40:21,683 --> 00:40:25,053 It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went... 594 00:40:26,655 --> 00:40:29,624 The only problem is, he's dressed like Liberace's stunt double. 595 00:40:31,727 --> 00:40:33,528 I have a solution, though! 596 00:40:34,196 --> 00:40:37,499 For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it's like, 597 00:40:37,532 --> 00:40:39,167 "You know, Timmy..." 598 00:40:41,603 --> 00:40:42,938 "Tommy, I think..." 599 00:40:44,506 --> 00:40:46,408 Or the automated confessional, could be fun. 600 00:40:46,708 --> 00:40:49,378 "If this is a venal sin, press one". 601 00:40:50,545 --> 00:40:52,748 "If this is a carnal sin, press two". 602 00:40:53,181 --> 00:40:56,084 "If this is cardinal Law, please stay on the line". 603 00:40:56,685 --> 00:41:01,056 "Because you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony"! 604 00:41:01,156 --> 00:41:03,291 So we have to keep track! 605 00:41:12,267 --> 00:41:15,704 Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft". 606 00:41:17,339 --> 00:41:20,876 We're now under the offices of Homeland Security. 607 00:41:21,176 --> 00:41:24,579 Tom Ridge ever so often goes, "Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"! 608 00:41:26,448 --> 00:41:29,284 They had to be very careful picking that name "Homeland Security". 609 00:41:29,651 --> 00:41:31,920 Couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going 610 00:41:32,054 --> 00:41:33,755 "That's a good one"! 611 00:41:35,490 --> 00:41:38,093 But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, 612 00:41:38,226 --> 00:41:40,328 which was England during WWII. 613 00:41:40,529 --> 00:41:44,366 Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England! 614 00:41:44,833 --> 00:41:47,235 There they were, Rudolph has personally... 615 00:41:47,369 --> 00:41:50,172 "I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite" 616 00:41:50,305 --> 00:41:52,974 and said "Get out of that fokker, you fucker, get out"! 617 00:41:55,410 --> 00:41:58,146 And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill, 618 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,615 one of the greatest orators of all time, 619 00:42:00,649 --> 00:42:05,053 may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, 620 00:42:05,087 --> 00:42:07,656 that he didn't do some of his great speeches. 621 00:42:07,689 --> 00:42:12,794 They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie the Pooh". 622 00:42:13,595 --> 00:42:18,166 "We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land"! 623 00:42:18,333 --> 00:42:19,835 "Eeyore and Tigger"! 624 00:42:22,070 --> 00:42:24,673 And, he was fighting against Hitler! 625 00:42:24,906 --> 00:42:27,542 A man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, 626 00:42:27,576 --> 00:42:29,444 and I always thought this was a clue! 627 00:42:30,379 --> 00:42:32,781 That and the leather and the dancing! 628 00:42:35,851 --> 00:42:38,220 We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England 629 00:42:38,353 --> 00:42:39,221 during these troubled times. 630 00:42:39,354 --> 00:42:41,022 Tony Blair, a militant liberal. 631 00:42:41,156 --> 00:42:44,126 Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. 632 00:42:44,526 --> 00:42:47,596 Sounds kinda like a Volvo with a gun rack, but... 633 00:42:49,731 --> 00:42:53,769 Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must adress the House of Commons, 634 00:42:53,902 --> 00:42:56,705 which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place! 635 00:42:58,173 --> 00:43:01,543 - I believe my worthy opponents... - Oh, fuck off! 636 00:43:02,010 --> 00:43:04,679 "Shite, bollocks, you bastard! Fuck you"! 637 00:43:04,813 --> 00:43:06,715 Would someone remove Ms. Tatcher from the chamber? 638 00:43:10,252 --> 00:43:13,722 Tony said, "This heinous incident has brought us" 639 00:43:13,855 --> 00:43:14,823 "to the edge of oblivion..." 640 00:43:15,023 --> 00:43:17,125 "But our civilization shall endure"! 641 00:43:17,192 --> 00:43:21,329 And there's poor W. going, "Shit, I can't even spell that". 642 00:43:23,231 --> 00:43:26,768 Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush 2.0. 643 00:43:27,903 --> 00:43:31,573 It's a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software. 644 00:43:31,973 --> 00:43:34,076 "This country will not be taken hostile," 645 00:43:34,209 --> 00:43:36,645 oops, delete, delete, "hostage". 646 00:43:38,113 --> 00:43:41,550 And you look at him and realize he has a short attention spam. 647 00:43:41,583 --> 00:43:45,353 "Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty". 648 00:43:47,889 --> 00:43:51,326 He kinda reminds me of the guy in college with a towel going, "Gotcha"! 649 00:43:53,862 --> 00:43:55,430 You just don't want him to drive. 650 00:43:56,498 --> 00:43:58,967 Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, 651 00:43:59,101 --> 00:44:01,803 some get it as a graduation gift. That's OK! 652 00:44:02,671 --> 00:44:04,873 Historically... 653 00:44:08,310 --> 00:44:10,846 You must look at it from a historical perspective. 654 00:44:11,380 --> 00:44:13,014 He's George the second. The boy-king. 655 00:44:13,048 --> 00:44:15,650 A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won, 656 00:44:15,784 --> 00:44:18,153 because of confused Hebrews. Yes! 657 00:44:20,555 --> 00:44:25,827 W. doesn't speak while Channey's drinking water. Check that shit out! 658 00:44:31,166 --> 00:44:32,100 When everything went down, 659 00:44:32,234 --> 00:44:34,536 they put W. out there, but they protected Channey. 660 00:44:39,004 --> 00:44:42,974 Channey had an angioplasty. Most people wait 'til it heals. 661 00:44:43,108 --> 00:44:45,410 He was like, "I'm perfectly fine"! 662 00:44:46,211 --> 00:44:48,713 "I'm OK"! 663 00:44:49,548 --> 00:44:53,985 And there's Ashcroft in the back, "Work the arms, you asshole"! 664 00:44:54,586 --> 00:44:58,590 You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man 665 00:44:58,723 --> 00:45:01,359 who lost to a dead man in Missouri. 666 00:45:01,993 --> 00:45:07,165 Choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, Dead Man. 667 00:45:07,766 --> 00:45:09,367 And people in Missouri went, 668 00:45:09,467 --> 00:45:14,105 "I'm sorry John, the dead man scares me less than you do". 669 00:45:21,213 --> 00:45:23,515 Here's the drill for me. You know what's strange? 670 00:45:26,851 --> 00:45:29,354 It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder. 671 00:45:29,487 --> 00:45:31,456 That's OK. 672 00:45:35,093 --> 00:45:37,362 Stevie's only been blind since birth! 673 00:45:37,929 --> 00:45:40,065 And there's W. going, "Stevie"! 674 00:45:40,599 --> 00:45:44,536 Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that motherfucker waving at me"? 675 00:45:46,304 --> 00:45:50,842 "Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn"! 676 00:45:52,077 --> 00:45:54,446 No! What scares me, 677 00:45:54,579 --> 00:45:58,216 is that W. almost died from a fucking pretzel. 678 00:45:59,684 --> 00:46:01,987 We have billions of dollars in national defense. 679 00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:05,290 They want billions more for national security. 680 00:46:05,690 --> 00:46:08,894 And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! 681 00:46:09,561 --> 00:46:12,731 Secret Service are going "Game's over, man"! 682 00:46:12,764 --> 00:46:15,967 "Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down". 683 00:46:17,569 --> 00:46:20,705 "Step away from the chip, sir"! 684 00:46:21,973 --> 00:46:25,143 We have to have people go "Hydrate, you bastard"! 685 00:46:26,611 --> 00:46:29,748 His own dogs didnt' give a shit. They were licking him for the salt. 686 00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,255 You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie, who'd go... 687 00:46:41,426 --> 00:46:43,295 "What's wrong, Lassie? The President swallowed something" 688 00:46:43,428 --> 00:46:44,296 "and you did the Heimlich"? 689 00:46:45,797 --> 00:46:47,365 "What else, girl"? 690 00:46:49,134 --> 00:46:52,437 "Mr. Channey is meeting with the Enron people"? 691 00:46:54,372 --> 00:46:58,143 "An Enron employee is secretary of the Navy"? 692 00:46:58,643 --> 00:46:59,811 "What about the Harken loan"? 693 00:47:00,512 --> 00:47:03,281 "Sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down". 694 00:47:04,082 --> 00:47:09,254 Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming. 695 00:47:16,287 --> 00:47:19,591 Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride. 696 00:47:19,724 --> 00:47:22,293 Investment pirates of the Caribbean. 697 00:47:23,361 --> 00:47:26,264 Your money checks in, it doesn't check out. 698 00:47:29,701 --> 00:47:32,270 Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things. 699 00:47:32,637 --> 00:47:38,376 - Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? - We're gonna conduct a crusade. 700 00:47:38,509 --> 00:47:41,212 And everybody in the room went... 701 00:47:41,309 --> 00:47:43,612 Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! 702 00:47:45,650 --> 00:47:51,256 All throughout the Middle East... 703 00:47:51,322 --> 00:47:54,692 Hide the women and children and the number zero, they're coming! 704 00:47:55,159 --> 00:47:57,996 And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age 705 00:47:58,129 --> 00:48:00,031 because they'll go "Upgrade. Fun"! 706 00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:06,104 Today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid. 707 00:48:06,271 --> 00:48:09,007 We have moved trouble from here, to here. 708 00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:12,043 Goat in the upper right corner, possible member of the Taliban, 709 00:48:12,176 --> 00:48:14,345 or "concubine", we're not sure. 710 00:48:14,479 --> 00:48:17,715 We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise missile up its ass and were successful. 711 00:48:18,550 --> 00:48:21,519 Operation "Extreme Redundancy" is carrying on! 712 00:48:22,887 --> 00:48:28,092 Then we started to drop bombs, food, food, bombs. 713 00:48:28,226 --> 00:48:29,527 And here's the fun part. 714 00:48:29,561 --> 00:48:32,063 Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, 715 00:48:32,196 --> 00:48:34,866 and the food packages were little yellow packages. 716 00:48:34,933 --> 00:48:38,136 So now you're playing "Survivor The Real Game". 717 00:48:38,503 --> 00:48:42,774 "OK Bob, I was here yesterday... I'm gonna go for this one today..." 718 00:48:43,708 --> 00:48:45,977 And what was in those packages? 719 00:48:47,078 --> 00:48:48,613 Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, 720 00:48:48,646 --> 00:48:52,050 and all you need is honey-baked ham and you got a Redneck Christmas. 721 00:48:54,485 --> 00:48:56,688 Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims? 722 00:48:59,224 --> 00:49:03,361 Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? 723 00:49:03,394 --> 00:49:05,630 Number one, it tastes a shit load better than dirt. 724 00:49:07,332 --> 00:49:08,766 Number two and more importantly, 725 00:49:08,900 --> 00:49:10,902 very difficult to have a call to Jihad 726 00:49:11,035 --> 00:49:13,271 with a mouth full of peanut butter. 727 00:49:20,078 --> 00:49:23,648 Secondly, or thirdly, for those keeping track... 728 00:49:25,049 --> 00:49:28,653 Afghanistan is a hasheesh smoking culture. 729 00:49:28,853 --> 00:49:31,289 And everyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooka will go, 730 00:49:31,856 --> 00:49:34,125 "Pop-Tarts"! 731 00:49:41,532 --> 00:49:45,403 Yes! Got milk? Come and get me! 732 00:49:45,570 --> 00:49:49,007 We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? 733 00:49:49,140 --> 00:49:52,844 Do we build an amusement park "Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No! 734 00:49:54,546 --> 00:49:57,248 Do we have a wet burger contest? No! 735 00:49:57,882 --> 00:50:01,853 Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! 736 00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:07,855 Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No! 737 00:50:08,789 --> 00:50:11,926 Do we have a children show called "Saudi Dudi"? No! 738 00:50:13,694 --> 00:50:18,132 What we must do is we gotta get a sister. You know what I'm sayin'? 739 00:50:18,465 --> 00:50:20,668 You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. 740 00:50:21,068 --> 00:50:23,504 You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? You know what I'm sayin'? 741 00:50:23,771 --> 00:50:26,674 One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer. 742 00:50:27,174 --> 00:50:29,343 Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go, 743 00:50:29,476 --> 00:50:33,814 "Girl, you don't have to dress like a mother fucking bee keeper"! 744 00:50:36,584 --> 00:50:40,254 "You don't have to be Casper's bitch, forget all that"! 745 00:50:42,790 --> 00:50:44,758 "If he picks up a rock, cause you're talking to another man," 746 00:50:44,892 --> 00:50:48,796 you pick a bigger rock and say "Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"! 747 00:50:50,264 --> 00:50:52,466 "He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll," 748 00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:55,569 you grab a knife and say "Lorena Bobbit time"! 749 00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:59,573 "Don't make me go cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"! 750 00:51:00,608 --> 00:51:02,743 We're dealing with fundamentalists... 751 00:51:02,943 --> 00:51:04,345 The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try 752 00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:06,113 and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. 753 00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:09,750 And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man 754 00:51:09,917 --> 00:51:12,887 with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. 755 00:51:16,023 --> 00:51:18,525 Who are we looking for? 756 00:51:19,426 --> 00:51:21,996 Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children. 757 00:51:22,129 --> 00:51:24,665 Even Freud would say, "He has issues". 758 00:51:25,266 --> 00:51:27,134 What does he look like without the beard? 759 00:51:27,268 --> 00:51:30,170 Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care! 760 00:51:30,404 --> 00:51:34,375 I know this he's a six foot five Arab on dialysis... 761 00:51:34,642 --> 00:51:37,077 Why is that so fucking hard to find? 762 00:51:37,711 --> 00:51:42,983 Look for somebody attached to their luggage. 763 00:51:44,652 --> 00:51:49,290 When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath. 764 00:51:50,424 --> 00:51:53,427 Wait a minute. We have some of our own! 765 00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,764 Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do. 766 00:51:57,197 --> 00:52:00,034 Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", the home game. 767 00:52:00,834 --> 00:52:04,271 You give Ted a mailing list and some tools... 768 00:52:04,438 --> 00:52:06,073 Ted, these people have been bad. 769 00:52:06,207 --> 00:52:08,542 - Are they bad? - Very bad! 770 00:52:08,576 --> 00:52:12,313 - I just want a few things. - I know you do! 771 00:52:12,846 --> 00:52:16,984 Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks. 772 00:52:17,117 --> 00:52:18,586 You can't use him. 773 00:52:18,652 --> 00:52:20,721 Chucky all the time comes out for parole 774 00:52:20,854 --> 00:52:23,324 with a swastika on his forehead. 775 00:52:23,357 --> 00:52:25,693 - I'm better. - In many ways, yeah. 776 00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,229 - What would you do if you got out? - I'd kill everybody. 777 00:52:30,831 --> 00:52:32,833 What are we dealing with? 778 00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,670 One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad. 779 00:52:36,904 --> 00:52:40,174 Sounds like a country western term like "jee-ha"! 780 00:52:41,275 --> 00:52:43,878 And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel 781 00:52:43,944 --> 00:52:45,846 which, I'm sad to say, is all of us, 782 00:52:46,447 --> 00:52:48,115 and you yourself die... 783 00:52:48,249 --> 00:52:49,650 you go to heaven and you are greated 784 00:52:49,783 --> 00:52:51,585 by 71 dark-haired virgins. 785 00:52:52,253 --> 00:52:53,787 Now everyone who's ever been with one virgin is going... 786 00:52:53,921 --> 00:52:55,956 "I don't know..." 787 00:52:57,758 --> 00:52:59,593 "For my talent portion..." 788 00:53:02,463 --> 00:53:05,199 Recently, there was a article in the New York Times, 789 00:53:05,332 --> 00:53:06,800 a Coran scholar said 790 00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:09,570 "The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins," 791 00:53:09,703 --> 00:53:12,907 "but 71 crystal clear raisins". 792 00:53:16,343 --> 00:53:19,246 Slight difference in interpretation, really. 793 00:53:19,847 --> 00:53:23,484 It's like finding out "thou shalt not kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt". 794 00:53:24,518 --> 00:53:27,555 And the Scotish are going, "Fuck off"! 795 00:53:28,088 --> 00:53:31,492 Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven sayin', 796 00:53:31,525 --> 00:53:34,495 - Where are my bitches? - Here're your raisins. 797 00:53:35,729 --> 00:53:39,400 Or 71 Virgils going, "You got a pretty mouth"! 798 00:53:41,602 --> 00:53:44,572 Ossama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven, 799 00:53:44,705 --> 00:53:45,506 there's George Washington waiting, 800 00:53:45,639 --> 00:53:47,775 "How dare you defile that what we created" 801 00:53:47,908 --> 00:53:49,476 and starts violating on his ass. 802 00:53:49,510 --> 00:53:53,881 70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him. 803 00:53:53,914 --> 00:53:55,783 And then he's going, "Where're the virgins"? 804 00:53:55,916 --> 00:53:58,786 "71 Virginians, you asshole"! 805 00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:05,359 "I must talk to Jesus Christ"! 806 00:54:05,526 --> 00:54:07,494 "Where is Jesus Christ"? 807 00:54:07,628 --> 00:54:11,465 And Saint Peter goes, "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"? 808 00:54:15,636 --> 00:54:19,073 I heard it. Finally the PCs. 809 00:54:19,206 --> 00:54:20,841 We crossed the politically correct line. 810 00:54:20,975 --> 00:54:23,944 It's OK to beat the shit out of them, but don't do the Ethnic joke. 811 00:54:28,148 --> 00:54:29,884 How Buddhist of you! 812 00:54:30,351 --> 00:54:31,919 Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? 813 00:54:32,052 --> 00:54:33,821 What did Buddha do? Nothing! 814 00:54:34,188 --> 00:54:35,956 What does the Buddhist terrorist do? 815 00:54:36,123 --> 00:54:39,526 Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self barbecue! 816 00:54:39,960 --> 00:54:42,263 People're killing each other in the name of God're going, 817 00:54:42,396 --> 00:54:43,564 "What the fuck are you doing"? 818 00:54:44,365 --> 00:54:46,333 "Making you deal with your shit". 819 00:54:46,467 --> 00:54:49,303 I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing. 820 00:54:49,370 --> 00:54:51,305 I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light. 821 00:54:53,374 --> 00:54:57,044 Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening. 822 00:54:57,478 --> 00:54:59,880 Catholics have confession, episcopals have 823 00:55:00,014 --> 00:55:03,183 Thanks Giving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics... 824 00:55:04,318 --> 00:55:07,054 "I never loved you mother, you know that, don't ya"!? 825 00:55:08,055 --> 00:55:11,292 "I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again". 826 00:55:13,093 --> 00:55:17,865 Episcopal is basicly Church of England which was Henry the 8th 827 00:55:17,998 --> 00:55:21,168 breaking away from the Catholic Church going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"! 828 00:55:22,202 --> 00:55:24,972 Then people broke away from that church, 829 00:55:25,105 --> 00:55:27,775 the Calvinists found him to be too loose. 830 00:55:27,975 --> 00:55:32,213 Then the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors, 831 00:55:32,246 --> 00:55:35,416 people so uptight, the English kicked them out. 832 00:55:35,449 --> 00:55:40,754 How anal do you have to be for the English to go "Get the fuck out"! 833 00:55:41,055 --> 00:55:44,158 "Take your pimp shoes and go"! 834 00:55:44,725 --> 00:55:47,528 And they land here in America going "Hello"! 835 00:55:47,661 --> 00:55:51,031 "We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol". 836 00:55:51,432 --> 00:55:53,867 "Here chief, try this and once you drunk it," 837 00:55:54,001 --> 00:55:56,437 "keep moving towards your feathers float. There you go"! 838 00:55:57,037 --> 00:55:59,807 And the Indians go "We have a gift for you". 839 00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:04,545 "For us is a sacred herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen". 840 00:56:05,145 --> 00:56:10,918 "Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop, yeah". 841 00:56:19,026 --> 00:56:23,130 "Welcome to Custers. The Casino that cares". 842 00:56:23,364 --> 00:56:26,333 "This is my wife, Sits-with-a-full-house". 843 00:56:27,134 --> 00:56:29,336 "It is now time for the white man to get drunk," 844 00:56:29,436 --> 00:56:31,839 "and we'll get back the land you took from us". 845 00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:38,812 The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them 846 00:56:38,946 --> 00:56:42,016 and then we got the people who knock on your door 847 00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,817 at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going, 848 00:56:43,951 --> 00:56:46,353 "Have you found Jesus"? 849 00:56:46,687 --> 00:56:48,355 You just wanna come to the door nude and go 850 00:56:48,489 --> 00:56:50,991 "No, help me look for him! Come on"! 851 00:56:54,495 --> 00:56:57,831 People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say 852 00:56:57,998 --> 00:56:59,967 "This was brought upon us by our sinful ways". 853 00:57:00,134 --> 00:57:02,570 I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah 854 00:57:02,736 --> 00:57:05,105 and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. 855 00:57:05,372 --> 00:57:09,910 "One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls". 856 00:57:10,144 --> 00:57:12,713 "Let's get ready to humble"! 857 00:57:12,913 --> 00:57:16,584 Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word". 858 00:57:16,717 --> 00:57:19,353 Not translatable, not metaphorical, "the word". 859 00:57:19,687 --> 00:57:22,923 In the Genesis, "Let there be light"! Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? 860 00:57:22,957 --> 00:57:25,025 "No. God just went click". 861 00:57:27,127 --> 00:57:30,664 We are all descendant from Adam and Eve, then we are all cousins? 862 00:57:30,731 --> 00:57:32,266 "That's right"! 863 00:57:37,171 --> 00:57:39,306 There are miracles in the Bible. 864 00:57:39,473 --> 00:57:43,344 Like when Moses, and I'm not talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no! 865 00:57:43,944 --> 00:57:44,945 Not Charlton Heston going, 866 00:57:45,079 --> 00:57:47,715 "Let the Jews go or the pharaoh gets two in the head"! 867 00:57:48,549 --> 00:57:49,750 Charlton Heston, a man who said, 868 00:57:49,917 --> 00:57:53,754 "Guns don't kill people. Apes with guns kill people". 869 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:57,024 No, Chucky! The second amendment 870 00:57:57,124 --> 00:57:59,293 started from people going like this... 871 00:57:59,460 --> 00:58:00,961 And that still continues. That's OK! 872 00:58:01,295 --> 00:58:05,432 When Moses said to pharaoh "Let my people go". 873 00:58:05,466 --> 00:58:07,668 And pharaoh went "In your dreams"! 874 00:58:07,735 --> 00:58:11,272 And Moses called the God, "God, I need some help"! 875 00:58:11,305 --> 00:58:14,174 And frogs fell from the sky. 876 00:58:14,642 --> 00:58:18,512 Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going "Now"! 877 00:58:19,613 --> 00:58:24,652 Thank God it wasn't the French, cause they would go "Lunch"! 878 00:58:25,085 --> 00:58:29,156 "You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy people"! 879 00:58:30,391 --> 00:58:35,729 Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going "Get your shit and out"! 880 00:58:36,130 --> 00:58:39,533 I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on Afghanistan. 881 00:58:39,700 --> 00:58:43,237 Not bombs, not food... Fucking frogs! 882 00:58:43,504 --> 00:58:46,373 Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven't seen. 883 00:58:47,575 --> 00:58:51,879 If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats. 884 00:58:56,550 --> 00:59:00,955 NY rats would be going "Hey, come on, raid"! 885 00:59:00,988 --> 00:59:03,224 "I eat pussy literarly. Bring it on"! 886 00:59:04,725 --> 00:59:09,396 Even then pharaoh was not impressed "Please, David Copperfield, no"! 887 00:59:09,830 --> 00:59:11,966 And then boils and then first born dies. 888 00:59:12,099 --> 00:59:14,635 "That's it! Hebrews get out"! 889 00:59:14,668 --> 00:59:15,603 And everybody... 890 00:59:17,705 --> 00:59:19,506 "Let's not wait for the bread to rise". 891 00:59:19,673 --> 00:59:22,810 "Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving"! 892 00:59:24,545 --> 00:59:26,447 Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis? 893 00:59:26,614 --> 00:59:29,350 "We're travelling, people. You don't want sand in there". 894 00:59:30,451 --> 00:59:33,988 "And this is so passe! The dicky thing, forget it. Let's move"! 895 00:59:34,521 --> 00:59:36,690 We're going to the desert. Then they get the 10 commandments, 896 00:59:36,857 --> 00:59:39,360 that would be ajusted later by certain presidents. 897 00:59:40,561 --> 00:59:42,997 And they get to the Red Sea. 898 00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:46,734 And they go "What now, Mr. Magic, what do we do now"? 899 00:59:46,834 --> 00:59:49,870 We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"... 900 00:59:50,004 --> 00:59:51,505 Frogs backs! 901 00:59:51,972 --> 00:59:54,975 Thank you for watching me this far. 902 00:59:56,076 --> 00:59:58,812 Obviously, I did inhale. 903 01:00:02,516 --> 01:00:04,685 "What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"? 904 01:00:04,752 --> 01:00:08,389 And he calls to God again and the sea parts. 905 01:00:08,789 --> 01:00:12,126 And even the most doubting Jew is going "You're good"! 906 01:00:12,393 --> 01:00:18,065 Let's move, don't eat the shellfish, I'll tell you why later. 907 01:00:19,266 --> 01:00:20,434 Where are we going? 908 01:00:20,601 --> 01:00:23,070 "To Jerusalem to start years of struggling," 909 01:00:23,204 --> 01:00:26,173 "and later to Miami to fuck up an election". 910 01:00:30,844 --> 01:00:34,315 And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls to his cat-like God 911 01:00:34,348 --> 01:00:38,319 but the cat-like God can't do shit, cause it's afraid of water. 912 01:00:41,956 --> 01:00:44,491 And then there's another miracle. 913 01:00:44,925 --> 01:00:49,663 The night that Mary said to Joe "Joe, I'm pregnant". 914 01:00:50,197 --> 01:00:53,334 Joe went "Holy Mother of God"! She went "You're right"! 915 01:00:54,969 --> 01:00:58,639 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe! 916 01:00:59,073 --> 01:01:02,042 "That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go"! 917 01:01:02,443 --> 01:01:05,012 - I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary. 918 01:01:05,045 --> 01:01:07,281 - So I'm the step father of God's kid? - Yeah. 919 01:01:07,514 --> 01:01:09,516 "I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong," 920 01:01:09,683 --> 01:01:12,453 cause he'll look to me saying "You're not my real dad". 921 01:01:12,653 --> 01:01:15,055 - How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe. 922 01:01:15,289 --> 01:01:19,393 "It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate"! 923 01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:24,064 I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon. 924 01:01:26,333 --> 01:01:30,671 Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. 925 01:01:30,704 --> 01:01:35,175 You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe. 926 01:01:35,209 --> 01:01:38,879 We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. 927 01:01:39,513 --> 01:01:42,483 We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God. 928 01:01:43,183 --> 01:01:46,086 Praise to him, Jim-Bob. 929 01:01:46,220 --> 01:01:51,759 He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob! 930 01:01:52,026 --> 01:01:56,330 Jesus was an only child. Thank God! 931 01:01:56,497 --> 01:01:59,567 Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? 932 01:02:01,669 --> 01:02:03,837 That's a tough gig. 933 01:02:04,004 --> 01:02:05,372 "Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach". 934 01:02:05,406 --> 01:02:08,576 "Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them" 935 01:02:08,742 --> 01:02:10,044 "and get a whole buch of disciples". 936 01:02:10,077 --> 01:02:13,347 "I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me"! 937 01:02:15,783 --> 01:02:20,921 He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"! 938 01:02:23,157 --> 01:02:27,928 "Yeah, I healed sombody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that"! 939 01:02:29,964 --> 01:02:34,368 "Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math"! 940 01:02:35,536 --> 01:02:39,073 And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! 941 01:02:39,607 --> 01:02:42,509 Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. 942 01:02:43,544 --> 01:02:44,945 Working in his father's business, 943 01:02:45,112 --> 01:02:47,915 his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! 944 01:02:49,483 --> 01:02:51,252 It's an old tradition! 945 01:02:52,253 --> 01:02:55,322 And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish, 946 01:02:55,489 --> 01:02:58,926 for the Last Supper, would they have not gone out for Chinese? 947 01:02:59,660 --> 01:03:02,463 "Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on one minute, no service, no sandals". 948 01:03:02,630 --> 01:03:03,664 "OK, you come in now". 949 01:03:03,797 --> 01:03:08,335 "You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not together". 950 01:03:08,969 --> 01:03:14,475 "I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way". 951 01:03:18,245 --> 01:03:22,483 "You are glowing, so I guess we won't need that lamp, that's very nice"! 952 01:03:22,883 --> 01:03:26,320 "You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!" 953 01:03:27,888 --> 01:03:32,092 It's said that night, Jesus turned to his disciples, 954 01:03:32,259 --> 01:03:34,495 and said "One of you shall betray me". 955 01:03:34,662 --> 01:03:37,998 Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Peter". 956 01:03:38,332 --> 01:03:42,036 Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"? Jesus said, "It is not you Simon". 957 01:03:42,469 --> 01:03:44,038 And Judas said "Is it me, Jesus"? 958 01:03:44,105 --> 01:03:47,308 And Jesus turned to him "Is it me, Jesus"!? 959 01:03:49,009 --> 01:03:50,878 Thus you see two traditions beginning 960 01:03:51,011 --> 01:03:54,848 Jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. Together born! 961 01:03:55,516 --> 01:04:00,154 The next day the miracle occured. Crucifixion, Resurrection, 962 01:04:00,187 --> 01:04:02,890 and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow 963 01:04:03,057 --> 01:04:05,192 another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes! 964 01:04:06,126 --> 01:04:10,864 For me, the one big question is how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection 965 01:04:10,931 --> 01:04:13,968 and then chocholate bunnies, coloured eggs? 966 01:04:15,736 --> 01:04:17,171 How do you do that one? 967 01:04:17,838 --> 01:04:21,442 Even kids are going "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this"? 968 01:04:22,042 --> 01:04:25,412 And you don't want a kid bitting the head off a chocholate Jesus. 969 01:04:26,547 --> 01:04:30,050 You don't want a cream filled cross going... 970 01:04:30,751 --> 01:04:32,753 You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going 971 01:04:32,920 --> 01:04:34,922 "We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one"! 972 01:04:35,756 --> 01:04:38,792 What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved. 973 01:04:39,093 --> 01:04:41,929 That's why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things. 974 01:04:43,530 --> 01:04:45,799 They're all there to keep your action up. 975 01:04:46,467 --> 01:04:48,535 And then we're starting to lose them. 976 01:04:48,569 --> 01:04:49,670 Like Saint Christopher... 977 01:04:49,837 --> 01:04:52,873 "Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down". 978 01:04:54,808 --> 01:04:55,910 "The medals aren't selling well". 979 01:04:56,043 --> 01:04:59,246 "Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're outta here". 980 01:04:59,346 --> 01:05:02,082 "We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accesories". 981 01:05:03,517 --> 01:05:06,587 But I want a saint like Mother Teresa. 982 01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:10,691 She said "You can do only small things with great love". 983 01:05:10,724 --> 01:05:13,193 And Pat Robinson said "She's not a real Christian"! 984 01:05:13,227 --> 01:05:16,830 "Why? Cause she doesn't have tag shelther and a university"? 985 01:05:17,464 --> 01:05:21,468 Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume... 986 01:05:21,735 --> 01:05:24,605 "Compassion" by Mother Teresa. 987 01:05:24,772 --> 01:05:27,808 "I smell, because I care. Compassion"! 988 01:05:28,409 --> 01:05:30,945 Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"... 989 01:05:31,679 --> 01:05:35,883 "Whether you're simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out"! 990 01:05:36,483 --> 01:05:39,253 "They come in size one and below". 991 01:05:40,554 --> 01:05:42,823 Gandhi was an amazing man. 992 01:05:42,990 --> 01:05:44,959 They asked him "What do you think about Western civilization"? 993 01:05:45,159 --> 01:05:47,695 He said "I think it would be a wonderful idea". 994 01:05:48,362 --> 01:05:53,667 As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going 995 01:05:54,335 --> 01:05:58,038 "I know Gandhi. He was a prick". 996 01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:03,210 "I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa". 997 01:06:03,410 --> 01:06:06,947 "He kept saying Who's your diaper daddy"? 998 01:06:09,283 --> 01:06:10,718 "I saw that with my eyes". 999 01:06:10,851 --> 01:06:14,255 "If you don't believe me, I'll bitch slap you like Shiva". 1000 01:06:15,756 --> 01:06:18,893 "Don't press this. Don't fucking do that"! 1001 01:06:19,293 --> 01:06:21,362 "Don't go ding-dong, you asshole"! 1002 01:06:22,296 --> 01:06:24,064 "Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend". 1003 01:06:24,231 --> 01:06:27,067 "I could turn this whole place into Chicken Tika". 1004 01:06:27,768 --> 01:06:29,570 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 1005 01:06:29,603 --> 01:06:31,272 And we're prepared to fight over Kashmir. 1006 01:06:31,438 --> 01:06:34,842 And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole! 1007 01:06:36,443 --> 01:06:40,648 India detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 1008 01:06:40,814 --> 01:06:43,050 Pakistan detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. 1009 01:06:43,317 --> 01:06:45,819 And your spy satelites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre. 1010 01:06:45,986 --> 01:06:47,788 They didn't have a fucking clue. 1011 01:06:49,490 --> 01:06:52,226 India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. 1012 01:06:52,359 --> 01:06:53,294 China has the bomb. 1013 01:06:53,460 --> 01:06:56,864 Or maybe they just have one billion people go "Boom"! 1014 01:06:57,565 --> 01:07:01,602 Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs". 1015 01:07:02,469 --> 01:07:05,105 "We don't know where they all are"! 1016 01:07:06,907 --> 01:07:09,710 Maybe you want a dirty bomb. 1017 01:07:11,312 --> 01:07:13,948 And the French have a bomb, too. 1018 01:07:14,215 --> 01:07:16,951 Maybe they have the Michelin bomb that only destroys 1019 01:07:17,084 --> 01:07:18,919 restaurants under four stars. 1020 01:07:20,054 --> 01:07:23,591 They still test their bombs. They still detonate their bombs. 1021 01:07:23,724 --> 01:07:25,292 Where did they do the undeground test? 1022 01:07:25,426 --> 01:07:26,961 In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? 1023 01:07:26,994 --> 01:07:31,465 No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. 1024 01:07:31,732 --> 01:07:34,935 Why? "Because we're French". 1025 01:07:35,135 --> 01:07:37,104 "Oh, look a Green Peace boat's come to protest". 1026 01:07:37,271 --> 01:07:38,973 "Fuck off, I sink you". 1027 01:07:39,373 --> 01:07:41,775 "I'm the baddest mother fucker, am I not"? 1028 01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:44,645 "Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby". 1029 01:07:46,113 --> 01:07:51,185 "Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this". 1030 01:07:51,719 --> 01:07:54,755 "You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans"! 1031 01:07:57,358 --> 01:08:01,495 "Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack Americans". 1032 01:08:01,729 --> 01:08:03,631 "We hate all of you. Fuck off"! 1033 01:08:03,664 --> 01:08:07,935 "The Germans are here... Hello, Americans"! 1034 01:08:08,836 --> 01:08:14,207 "I love you! Come on, Americans". 1035 01:08:15,676 --> 01:08:18,479 "Welcome back, Americans"! 1036 01:08:18,845 --> 01:08:20,881 "You can build a Disneyland near Paris". 1037 01:08:22,216 --> 01:08:24,752 "We won't go, but build it". 1038 01:08:24,984 --> 01:08:28,555 "It will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great"! 1039 01:08:29,223 --> 01:08:33,027 Smoking a Galloise, going "I never loved Mickey". 1040 01:08:33,727 --> 01:08:37,865 "He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off"! 1041 01:08:38,732 --> 01:08:39,800 "Don't love him"! 1042 01:08:45,072 --> 01:08:48,309 But there is one country that watches out for all of us 1043 01:08:48,442 --> 01:08:52,179 the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. 1044 01:08:52,313 --> 01:08:54,848 If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going 1045 01:08:54,982 --> 01:08:56,750 "What was that noise"? 1046 01:08:57,718 --> 01:08:59,420 In their big hollowed out country, 1047 01:08:59,553 --> 01:09:01,721 with their chocholate and their watches. Ya! 1048 01:09:02,323 --> 01:09:04,591 The nice Germans. Ya! 1049 01:09:05,225 --> 01:09:08,028 Or, as they like to say, "the other white race". 1050 01:09:09,162 --> 01:09:11,031 I have only one question. 1051 01:09:11,165 --> 01:09:16,837 How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's knife? 1052 01:09:18,205 --> 01:09:21,876 "Many of you, men, have never opened Chardonnay under fire". 1053 01:09:25,212 --> 01:09:29,917 "You take out the wine bottle, pull out the cock and throw"! 1054 01:09:30,117 --> 01:09:33,787 "I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold". 1055 01:09:34,854 --> 01:09:39,627 My God! Where did all this Impresionistic art come from? 1056 01:09:40,227 --> 01:09:43,397 And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945? 1057 01:09:44,265 --> 01:09:47,034 Fairies must've brought it during the night. 1058 01:09:47,534 --> 01:09:51,438 I have to do the Heimlich and cough up an account number. 1059 01:09:52,606 --> 01:09:54,141 I know this one thing... 1060 01:09:54,275 --> 01:09:58,679 I know there's one country that is not developing a weapon of destruction. 1061 01:09:58,712 --> 01:10:02,016 That does not have a secret weapon's lab up in the mountains. 1062 01:10:02,149 --> 01:10:03,817 Jamaica! 1063 01:10:06,954 --> 01:10:09,123 Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. 1064 01:10:09,723 --> 01:10:12,626 They may make an atomic bong. 1065 01:10:13,127 --> 01:10:16,630 But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong cause, when the atomic bomb goes off, 1066 01:10:16,764 --> 01:10:19,466 there's devastation and radiation. 1067 01:10:19,533 --> 01:10:23,771 When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration! 1068 01:10:28,609 --> 01:10:30,578 Smokes a split for the communion. 1069 01:10:30,711 --> 01:10:32,479 If you don't see Jesus then, you never will. 1070 01:10:35,549 --> 01:10:38,285 I know only one thing. 1071 01:10:38,419 --> 01:10:41,355 I never met me an angry pot smoker. 1072 01:10:41,589 --> 01:10:47,328 I never met a man who said "Hey, you fucking prick"! 1073 01:11:01,208 --> 01:11:05,246 "Oh, fuck"! 1074 01:11:05,379 --> 01:11:06,714 "What was I gonna do"!? 1075 01:11:08,415 --> 01:11:10,784 "Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here"! 1076 01:11:10,985 --> 01:11:15,256 Because you see, marihuana... 1077 01:11:18,692 --> 01:11:21,362 I know this one. Wait a minute. 1078 01:11:29,470 --> 01:11:31,205 If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. 1079 01:11:31,338 --> 01:11:33,641 Or maybe... 1080 01:11:34,575 --> 01:11:38,012 If you seen some of the things that happened recently to NASA, maybe you can. 1081 01:11:41,282 --> 01:11:42,917 "The Mars lander..." 1082 01:11:44,552 --> 01:11:47,321 "I did the calculations in feet," 1083 01:11:47,621 --> 01:11:50,724 "but I programmed the lander in meters". 1084 01:11:54,128 --> 01:11:57,264 "So, instead of landing, fucker burried"! 1085 01:11:57,932 --> 01:12:01,001 "185 million dollars... oopsy"! 1086 01:12:01,168 --> 01:12:03,237 "Two years... splat"! 1087 01:12:03,437 --> 01:12:06,307 "OK, fuck! Here's a better one"! 1088 01:12:08,309 --> 01:12:10,611 "The Hubble Telescope..." 1089 01:12:10,811 --> 01:12:14,148 "I forgot to put in a lens". 1090 01:12:14,748 --> 01:12:17,918 Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..." 1091 01:12:18,052 --> 01:12:20,354 "The rest is just a black hole". 1092 01:12:21,055 --> 01:12:24,558 I once called Steven Hawking's house, "Hello, this is Steven Hawking". 1093 01:12:24,892 --> 01:12:28,195 - Yes, I'd like to leave a message. - No, this is Steven Hawking. 1094 01:12:30,531 --> 01:12:31,799 I know one thing though. 1095 01:12:32,433 --> 01:12:36,103 Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. 1096 01:12:36,370 --> 01:12:40,374 Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. 1097 01:12:41,375 --> 01:12:44,144 See those guys going, "Hey, fuck you, my man"! 1098 01:12:45,913 --> 01:12:47,648 "Hey, listen to me". 1099 01:12:49,116 --> 01:12:52,286 "Listen to me, you piece of shit". 1100 01:12:53,053 --> 01:12:57,291 "You do not know shit about fuck, my man". 1101 01:13:00,895 --> 01:13:03,464 "You want a piece of yourself"? 1102 01:13:04,265 --> 01:13:07,401 "Step outside, I'll kick my ass". 1103 01:13:07,635 --> 01:13:09,970 "I've already shit myself, I'm halfway there". 1104 01:13:13,307 --> 01:13:16,610 Some people know, you can deal with it geneticaly. 1105 01:13:16,644 --> 01:13:18,312 If you're Irish, you've got a running start 1106 01:13:18,445 --> 01:13:19,847 that you can do it better than we are. 1107 01:13:20,648 --> 01:13:25,853 If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass but then you'll sing about it, afterwards. 1108 01:13:26,287 --> 01:13:28,455 "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat," 1109 01:13:28,589 --> 01:13:30,190 "I knocked you down and shit in your hat". 1110 01:13:35,095 --> 01:13:39,033 And then you keep drinking 'til you're in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine, 1111 01:13:39,066 --> 01:13:42,570 doing liver dancing Michael Flatline. 1112 01:13:43,470 --> 01:13:45,706 And they say the Irish saved civilization, 1113 01:13:45,773 --> 01:13:47,107 drank a couple of Guiness 1114 01:13:47,241 --> 01:13:49,777 and forgot where they fucking put it. But that's all right! 1115 01:13:49,843 --> 01:13:54,748 The Japanese drink differently than us. 1116 01:13:55,616 --> 01:13:57,651 You could be polite during the day 1117 01:13:57,785 --> 01:14:00,054 and all of a sudden you're "Arigato gozaimas". 1118 01:14:00,387 --> 01:14:05,025 And after five Jack Daniels... "Tie the yellow ribbon"! 1119 01:14:08,696 --> 01:14:12,032 Karaoke for "asshole with a microphone". 1120 01:14:12,566 --> 01:14:15,069 "Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"! 1121 01:14:16,570 --> 01:14:22,176 And If you want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 1122 01:14:22,209 --> 01:14:25,613 Cause you can't fucking understand them before... 1123 01:14:26,280 --> 01:14:27,750 You land in Scotland and they're going 1124 01:14:30,751 --> 01:14:33,554 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah? 1125 01:14:38,893 --> 01:14:41,428 - Sure. - Oh, fuck sure, eh? 1126 01:14:46,467 --> 01:14:50,004 - Sure! - Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard. 1127 01:14:53,040 --> 01:14:57,044 And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care! 1128 01:14:57,811 --> 01:15:00,548 And how they could invent a sport like golf. 1129 01:15:01,715 --> 01:15:04,552 Here's my idea for a fucking sport. 1130 01:15:05,052 --> 01:15:07,988 I knock a ball in a gopher hole. 1131 01:15:08,722 --> 01:15:11,492 - Oh, you mean like pool? - Fuck off pool! 1132 01:15:11,525 --> 01:15:14,695 Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick! 1133 01:15:15,696 --> 01:15:18,566 I whack the ball, it goes in a gopher hole. 1134 01:15:19,266 --> 01:15:22,503 - Oh, you mean like croquet? - Fuck croquet! 1135 01:15:23,203 --> 01:15:26,373 I put the hole hundreds of yards away! 1136 01:15:27,608 --> 01:15:31,679 Oh, fuck yeah! There's big fun there! 1137 01:15:34,815 --> 01:15:37,451 - Oh, like a bowling thing? - Fuck no! 1138 01:15:37,918 --> 01:15:40,154 Not straight, I put shit in the way! 1139 01:15:41,055 --> 01:15:44,158 Like trees and bushes and high grass. 1140 01:15:44,391 --> 01:15:46,560 So you can lose you fucking ball. 1141 01:15:46,594 --> 01:15:49,663 And go hacking away with a fucking tire iron! 1142 01:15:49,730 --> 01:15:53,734 Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke! 1143 01:15:54,401 --> 01:15:57,004 Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke, 1144 01:15:57,171 --> 01:16:00,674 cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die! 1145 01:16:01,508 --> 01:16:04,912 Oh great, oh and here's the better part. Fuck, this is brilliant! 1146 01:16:05,145 --> 01:16:07,915 Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece 1147 01:16:08,082 --> 01:16:10,484 with a little flag to give you fucking hope. 1148 01:16:11,585 --> 01:16:14,955 But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox, 1149 01:16:15,122 --> 01:16:17,291 to fuck with your ball again! 1150 01:16:17,558 --> 01:16:22,396 You'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand. 1151 01:16:22,663 --> 01:16:26,634 - And you do this one time? - Fuck no! 1152 01:16:26,800 --> 01:16:31,505 Eighteen fucking times! 1153 01:16:40,014 --> 01:16:42,516 There you have a sport! 1154 01:16:43,083 --> 01:16:44,351 The manly sport of golf, 1155 01:16:44,485 --> 01:16:47,121 where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. 1156 01:16:47,488 --> 01:16:52,826 Where even a blind gay man would go, "Oh, dear Christ"! 1157 01:16:53,294 --> 01:16:56,997 "Those are loud, this is not carnival! What the fuck are you on"? 1158 01:16:57,464 --> 01:17:00,367 Even the aligator's going, "Asshole"! 1159 01:17:02,036 --> 01:17:06,774 It's such an athletic sport, whack the ball, get in the car. 1160 01:17:07,775 --> 01:17:10,311 Whack the ball, get in the car. 1161 01:17:10,611 --> 01:17:12,680 And the commentary's electrifying. 1162 01:17:13,147 --> 01:17:16,050 Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. 1163 01:17:16,183 --> 01:17:18,452 "We're on the third green now". 1164 01:17:20,154 --> 01:17:23,424 "Could people be quieter, I'd like to hear the grass grow". 1165 01:17:25,125 --> 01:17:28,963 I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. 1166 01:17:30,598 --> 01:17:33,334 "The ball is rolling, the ball is going to the..." 1167 01:17:33,467 --> 01:17:41,175 "Hole"! 1168 01:17:44,478 --> 01:17:46,614 Just to see all those waspy motherfuckers going, 1169 01:17:46,747 --> 01:17:48,616 "Oh, dear Christ"! 1170 01:17:49,450 --> 01:17:53,053 "My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit"! 1171 01:17:53,454 --> 01:17:57,157 "What the hell are we gonna do"? That was their last domain of dominance. 1172 01:17:57,358 --> 01:17:59,193 It was their area. They were the king. 1173 01:17:59,326 --> 01:18:02,329 Up until... Tiger! 1174 01:18:05,866 --> 01:18:08,569 Son of a black man and a Thai woman. 1175 01:18:08,602 --> 01:18:11,672 Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up! 1176 01:18:12,506 --> 01:18:16,710 Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration. 1177 01:18:20,414 --> 01:18:22,716 Crouching Potter. 1178 01:18:23,284 --> 01:18:25,686 And then he goes to the British Open, 1179 01:18:25,819 --> 01:18:29,823 and he plays at Saint Andrews, where they fucking invented the sport. 1180 01:18:29,890 --> 01:18:32,593 And after the forth round, he's 18 under par. 1181 01:18:32,626 --> 01:18:35,496 And there's only 18 fucking holes. 1182 01:18:35,863 --> 01:18:40,134 And all the old men are going, "My God, we're doomed"! 1183 01:18:40,301 --> 01:18:43,704 "How did he learn to play? We wouldn't let him join, dear God"! 1184 01:18:44,104 --> 01:18:46,409 And they start having nightmares of golf carts going... 1185 01:18:50,678 --> 01:18:52,680 "Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through," 1186 01:18:52,813 --> 01:18:54,848 "Whether you're a gentile or a Jew." 1187 01:18:54,915 --> 01:18:58,185 "Purple beats, motherfucker"! 1188 01:19:05,159 --> 01:19:09,263 All of your gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be... 1189 01:19:12,533 --> 01:19:13,869 Until the Williams sisters... 1190 01:19:20,040 --> 01:19:23,143 - 40, love? - No, that's good love, baby! 1191 01:19:25,279 --> 01:19:27,414 Even boxing's changed. 1192 01:19:27,481 --> 01:19:31,051 Remember boxing, people go, "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing". 1193 01:19:31,085 --> 01:19:33,153 Like saying, "I go to stock car races" 1194 01:19:33,287 --> 01:19:36,023 "to see people take left turns all day". 1195 01:19:36,423 --> 01:19:40,361 No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat out of him. 1196 01:19:40,561 --> 01:19:44,198 Even the guy who loses is going, "I have 18 million dollars". 1197 01:19:44,598 --> 01:19:46,533 "I don't know where it fucking is..." 1198 01:19:47,935 --> 01:19:53,073 "I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Fuck off"! 1199 01:19:54,174 --> 01:19:58,178 Boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson! 1200 01:19:59,046 --> 01:20:01,615 Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody. 1201 01:20:02,483 --> 01:20:05,185 Let's get ready to nibble! 1202 01:20:06,053 --> 01:20:08,389 All these guys're going, "Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"! 1203 01:20:08,589 --> 01:20:10,257 I'm saying, "You're lucky he just bit somebody". 1204 01:20:10,391 --> 01:20:13,561 "Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him". 1205 01:20:14,962 --> 01:20:18,432 You bite somebody in jail its like, "Get ready bitch, you're mine now"! 1206 01:20:18,732 --> 01:20:20,534 - Break it up! - We're not finished. 1207 01:20:20,568 --> 01:20:23,437 Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna fuck you, till you love me". 1208 01:20:23,571 --> 01:20:26,640 At that point I'm going, "Someone didn't come here to box, babe". 1209 01:20:27,575 --> 01:20:31,612 Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, motherfuckers"! 1210 01:20:32,046 --> 01:20:34,715 I'm going, "Up the dosage, Mike"! 1211 01:20:35,983 --> 01:20:39,053 There's all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. 1212 01:20:39,186 --> 01:20:41,388 I wanna have one drug encompassing it all. 1213 01:20:41,655 --> 01:20:43,991 Call it "Fuck It All". 1214 01:20:44,725 --> 01:20:48,829 I don't feel anything, I don't wanna do anything, "Fuck It All". 1215 01:20:49,763 --> 01:20:53,167 The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be, "Fuck It All". 1216 01:20:53,601 --> 01:20:56,870 I'm sitting here in my own dong, "Fuck It All". 1217 01:20:57,805 --> 01:21:00,841 The scary thing about drugs is that they have some horrible side effect. 1218 01:21:01,075 --> 01:21:02,943 "May cause artificial insemination". 1219 01:21:06,280 --> 01:21:07,815 What? What do you mean? 1220 01:21:08,515 --> 01:21:11,752 There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing. 1221 01:21:11,785 --> 01:21:13,254 Olestra? What is that? 1222 01:21:13,387 --> 01:21:16,790 It said on the little side of the chips, "May cause anal leakage". 1223 01:21:19,927 --> 01:21:23,130 That's not a side effect if my ass is going... 1224 01:21:24,598 --> 01:21:27,534 I think that's an effect, really! 1225 01:21:28,469 --> 01:21:32,306 "Fire in the hole"! Bad day! 1226 01:21:33,474 --> 01:21:37,545 - How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted. 1227 01:21:38,145 --> 01:21:41,148 Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? 1228 01:21:45,452 --> 01:21:49,890 I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this! 1229 01:21:50,024 --> 01:21:52,993 I had women in NY saying "Don't wear fur"! 1230 01:21:54,128 --> 01:21:58,232 The politically correct... red paint "Fuck off, lady, it's me"! 1231 01:21:58,532 --> 01:22:01,001 I'm a fucking Chia pet. 1232 01:22:01,602 --> 01:22:04,905 I've gone to the zoo and had monkeys go... 1233 01:22:11,312 --> 01:22:13,180 Anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, 1234 01:22:13,314 --> 01:22:16,350 go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children. 1235 01:22:16,483 --> 01:22:20,254 Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like... 1236 01:22:20,654 --> 01:22:22,623 "Wait for it". 1237 01:22:24,692 --> 01:22:27,494 "Wait 'til the teacher comes with the video camera". 1238 01:22:29,163 --> 01:22:29,498 "Now"! 1239 01:22:40,674 --> 01:22:42,376 Cause they're not happy. 1240 01:22:42,543 --> 01:22:45,145 Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, 1241 01:22:45,279 --> 01:22:47,748 she must mate, so you can build the wing on the zoo. 1242 01:22:47,948 --> 01:22:50,417 They go to China, they anesthesize a panda, 1243 01:22:50,551 --> 01:22:51,719 which is kinda redundant... 1244 01:22:53,454 --> 01:22:56,690 They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong. 1245 01:22:57,391 --> 01:22:59,793 When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu, 1246 01:23:00,027 --> 01:23:01,695 "Bear with Balls of Steel". 1247 01:23:02,596 --> 01:23:05,466 They put him in the cage with Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"! 1248 01:23:05,566 --> 01:23:09,303 He looks at her like, "I would never fuck her"! 1249 01:23:11,705 --> 01:23:15,175 "That is one ugly panda bitch". 1250 01:23:15,743 --> 01:23:19,813 "If you were a panda, you'd know that's the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is". 1251 01:23:20,614 --> 01:23:23,517 "I wouldn't have fucked her with a koala's dick"! 1252 01:23:24,785 --> 01:23:26,086 "Fuck off"! 1253 01:23:26,654 --> 01:23:30,224 "I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that panda bitch"! 1254 01:23:32,526 --> 01:23:35,829 There's only one animal who can tell you 1255 01:23:35,963 --> 01:23:37,731 if she's happy and wants to mate. 1256 01:23:38,132 --> 01:23:40,467 That is Coco, the silverback gorilla. 1257 01:23:40,534 --> 01:23:43,304 She saw me, the blue eyed simian. 1258 01:23:44,238 --> 01:23:45,773 She was intrigued. 1259 01:23:46,240 --> 01:23:48,576 She said to her trainer... 1260 01:23:48,609 --> 01:23:50,811 - What does that mean? - She wants you to tickle her. 1261 01:23:50,844 --> 01:23:51,679 OK, I tickle her... 1262 01:23:53,347 --> 01:23:55,516 Then she goes... 1263 01:23:55,549 --> 01:23:58,152 - What does that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt. 1264 01:23:59,653 --> 01:24:04,024 I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. 1265 01:24:04,959 --> 01:24:08,195 And when an 800 pound gorilla's got you by the tits... 1266 01:24:08,696 --> 01:24:10,664 you listen! 1267 01:24:10,864 --> 01:24:14,535 Then my balls went, "Somebody wants to play". 1268 01:24:15,736 --> 01:24:18,505 - Should we go to phase two? - No! Do not go to phase two! 1269 01:24:21,108 --> 01:24:25,145 "I repeat! Do not go to lift off"! 1270 01:24:25,746 --> 01:24:28,649 "This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the tumbs". 1271 01:24:28,782 --> 01:24:30,517 "This is not a human"! 1272 01:24:31,185 --> 01:24:32,987 "Do not go to phase two"! 1273 01:24:33,320 --> 01:24:35,122 "Warning! Warning"! 1274 01:24:35,656 --> 01:24:38,025 She must've sense something, cause she grabes me by the hand, 1275 01:24:38,158 --> 01:24:40,728 takes me in the back. Daktari meets Deliverance. 1276 01:24:41,095 --> 01:24:44,431 I'm expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, 1277 01:24:44,565 --> 01:24:49,470 "Oh, cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out"! 1278 01:24:50,371 --> 01:24:54,174 "Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger"! 1279 01:24:54,808 --> 01:25:00,014 "This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's cloette". 1280 01:25:01,215 --> 01:25:04,985 But part of me went, "Could be fun"! 1281 01:25:06,787 --> 01:25:09,123 Make a great story for a bar. 1282 01:25:09,823 --> 01:25:12,426 A guy's going "I had a wild night in Vegas". 1283 01:25:12,927 --> 01:25:15,496 "Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla". 1284 01:25:17,665 --> 01:25:18,999 "Where's everybody going"? 1285 01:25:21,802 --> 01:25:26,574 And you don't want that late night phone call, "Hello"? 1286 01:25:28,042 --> 01:25:30,411 "Don't call me"! 1287 01:25:32,112 --> 01:25:34,081 Maybe it's because I'm 50. 1288 01:25:34,215 --> 01:25:37,384 When you hit 50, the old machinery doesn't work so well. 1289 01:25:37,451 --> 01:25:41,589 You be at a public rest room going, "How're you doing? Great game today, huh"? 1290 01:26:05,446 --> 01:26:08,215 "Oh, boy"! 1291 01:26:08,382 --> 01:26:12,920 What's happened is your prostate is bigger than your ego now. 1292 01:26:13,254 --> 01:26:17,291 When you're in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old... 1293 01:26:18,292 --> 01:26:19,426 First time is "Oh, my God"! 1294 01:26:19,560 --> 01:26:21,896 "I'm just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams". 1295 01:26:22,463 --> 01:26:24,932 I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's name. 1296 01:26:25,065 --> 01:26:26,066 Don't do that! 1297 01:26:28,636 --> 01:26:32,306 - Who's Dr. Smith? - You're the only one! 1298 01:26:32,973 --> 01:26:35,075 When a woman has to go to the gynecologist, 1299 01:26:35,209 --> 01:26:37,444 you don't want a doctor who has a hobby. 1300 01:26:37,945 --> 01:26:40,548 You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician. 1301 01:26:41,749 --> 01:26:45,586 You don't want somebody going, "How are we today... Oh, a dove"! 1302 01:26:46,954 --> 01:26:48,989 "Wow, what's this"?! 1303 01:26:52,226 --> 01:26:54,495 "Is this your card"? 1304 01:26:54,662 --> 01:26:59,667 I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. No! 1305 01:27:00,467 --> 01:27:01,769 "How you're doing today"? 1306 01:27:01,902 --> 01:27:04,672 "Take your hand out of my ass. I'm not a muppet. Move it"! 1307 01:27:05,873 --> 01:27:11,512 In your 50s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-proctoscope. 1308 01:27:11,545 --> 01:27:13,480 The colonoscopy. That's what W. did. 1309 01:27:13,847 --> 01:27:16,584 It's a video camera on the end of a rodeo rudder. 1310 01:27:17,785 --> 01:27:20,120 And it's going up you! 1311 01:27:20,554 --> 01:27:23,324 Suddenly, you're your own Discovery channel special. 1312 01:27:24,325 --> 01:27:27,561 "Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon". 1313 01:27:28,195 --> 01:27:30,064 "This must be what you see". 1314 01:27:30,331 --> 01:27:35,135 "Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in '85". 1315 01:27:35,402 --> 01:27:39,373 - Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr. Williams. 1316 01:27:39,840 --> 01:27:41,909 They go further up your ass, they blow air. 1317 01:27:42,710 --> 01:27:45,246 Now you're a fucking party favour. 1318 01:27:47,615 --> 01:27:52,753 Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me 120 psi! 1319 01:27:53,921 --> 01:27:55,422 You feel like a Pinata, you think little Mexican kids 1320 01:27:55,556 --> 01:27:58,225 are gonna come out and go, "Get the presents"! 1321 01:27:58,893 --> 01:28:02,830 The air is coming this way. The farts are going, "Incoming"! 1322 01:28:03,464 --> 01:28:06,433 "It's not a... No finger! It's the midget! 1323 01:28:06,467 --> 01:28:09,570 "Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command"! 1324 01:28:10,504 --> 01:28:13,507 "Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise"! 1325 01:28:13,204 --> 01:28:18,507 Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude! 1326 01:28:22,783 --> 01:28:27,054 "Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing"! 1327 01:28:29,823 --> 01:28:32,793 Fourty miles, blowing outta you! 1328 01:28:36,063 --> 01:28:40,367 You put on your pants and you're floating like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup. 1329 01:28:41,168 --> 01:28:43,270 "Coming about, Jimmy. She's your"! 1330 01:28:44,705 --> 01:28:47,241 And then you realize... "Oh, shit, fire in the hole"! 1331 01:28:48,409 --> 01:28:51,278 "Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here"! 1332 01:28:51,712 --> 01:28:53,347 "Thank you, doctor. See you next week". 1333 01:28:57,785 --> 01:28:59,453 "Hold the elevator"! 1334 01:29:00,354 --> 01:29:02,056 "Fuck you, you bastard"! 1335 01:29:07,895 --> 01:29:09,029 Seven flights of stairs. 1336 01:29:10,364 --> 01:29:13,133 Everybody you pass, you're going "It's me"! 1337 01:29:13,867 --> 01:29:16,770 Dogs look at you like "Roll over, man, you're dead"! 1338 01:29:17,471 --> 01:29:20,307 You just wanna borrow a match. "Give me that"! 1339 01:29:21,175 --> 01:29:22,543 Flaming asshole. 1340 01:29:23,143 --> 01:29:27,948 That's what you are. You're a flaming asshole! You're 50! 1341 01:29:28,883 --> 01:29:31,285 And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, 1342 01:29:31,452 --> 01:29:33,854 to keep all of your organs intact 'til your golden years? No! 1343 01:29:35,089 --> 01:29:36,724 Can they make a drug to give you 1344 01:29:36,857 --> 01:29:39,493 mental clarity to your golden time? No! 1345 01:29:40,594 --> 01:29:44,164 They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! 1346 01:29:45,799 --> 01:29:48,469 Grandpa can have wood again. 1347 01:29:52,172 --> 01:29:54,208 - I don't need the walker! - I see that! 1348 01:29:55,476 --> 01:29:56,610 And your grandmother's going 1349 01:29:56,744 --> 01:29:59,046 "Shit! I thought the war was over"! 1350 01:29:59,914 --> 01:30:03,584 "Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing"! 1351 01:30:10,558 --> 01:30:14,995 People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin... 1352 01:30:15,863 --> 01:30:19,767 "Oh, dear God, I don't remember Pete being like that". 1353 01:30:20,267 --> 01:30:22,269 "Kids, go get some horse shoes". 1354 01:30:23,571 --> 01:30:25,506 "He would've wanted it that way". 1355 01:30:26,106 --> 01:30:30,678 You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac. 1356 01:30:30,711 --> 01:30:33,514 Like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. 1357 01:30:34,081 --> 01:30:36,150 To give you great masculinity. 1358 01:30:36,684 --> 01:30:42,056 But now you're on Viagra. You are back! You are Frankencock! 1359 01:30:42,389 --> 01:30:45,359 You are "the Inseminator"! 1360 01:30:45,526 --> 01:30:47,428 You are ready to go! 1361 01:30:47,561 --> 01:30:52,833 You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half! 1362 01:30:53,334 --> 01:30:56,870 Guys are going "Yeah"! Women are going "Uh-uh". 1363 01:30:57,905 --> 01:31:00,975 Cause after the first hour, your wife's going 1364 01:31:01,008 --> 01:31:05,012 "Yay, oh, big daddy..." 1365 01:31:06,780 --> 01:31:08,816 "Listen, I got shit to do, OK"? 1366 01:31:14,455 --> 01:31:15,556 "Hello"? 1367 01:31:16,991 --> 01:31:20,694 "Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking..." 1368 01:31:22,229 --> 01:31:26,634 "I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing"! 1369 01:31:27,468 --> 01:31:28,636 You can't go outside with a hard-on 1370 01:31:28,769 --> 01:31:31,372 cause the cat just waits for you to go... 1371 01:31:32,473 --> 01:31:34,975 And your dog is going, "Wow, you too"?! 1372 01:31:35,075 --> 01:31:36,076 Can't go to work like 1373 01:31:36,110 --> 01:31:38,679 - Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete? 1374 01:31:38,712 --> 01:31:40,848 "I'm happy to be here today"! 1375 01:31:41,282 --> 01:31:43,517 Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit! 1376 01:31:43,951 --> 01:31:45,486 You have to make it go away. You slap it. 1377 01:31:45,619 --> 01:31:48,322 It's like one of those punch-me clowns. 1378 01:31:50,624 --> 01:31:54,228 "I'm not going anywhere"! 1379 01:31:54,395 --> 01:31:57,565 You have to finish it off. 1380 01:31:57,598 --> 01:31:59,433 In the old days was... 1381 01:32:00,601 --> 01:32:02,670 Now, after an hour and a half, 1382 01:32:02,803 --> 01:32:04,638 you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. 1383 01:32:05,005 --> 01:32:08,209 So, when you go, it's like... 1384 01:32:08,976 --> 01:32:10,044 Oh, my eyes! 1385 01:32:10,177 --> 01:32:13,714 And your wife goes, "Now you know how it feels, asshole"! 1386 01:32:16,951 --> 01:32:19,353 "Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"! 1387 01:32:20,054 --> 01:32:22,823 "I'm like a Lawn Boy! Get out"! 1388 01:32:22,990 --> 01:32:24,158 "Save yourselves"! 1389 01:32:24,491 --> 01:32:27,795 - Not the drapes! - Too late... I own them now. 1390 01:32:32,600 --> 01:32:34,602 You run out of semen and your testicles are going 1391 01:32:34,735 --> 01:32:36,837 "We still got an erection, chief"! 1392 01:32:37,438 --> 01:32:40,007 "Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid"! 1393 01:32:44,211 --> 01:32:48,649 "Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away"! 1394 01:32:50,684 --> 01:32:53,754 You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing... 1395 01:33:13,507 --> 01:33:15,175 "Don't touch it"! 1396 01:33:21,916 --> 01:33:24,985 "Don't look at it"! 1397 01:33:25,119 --> 01:33:27,054 "Don't even think about it"! 1398 01:33:28,422 --> 01:33:31,525 And then you realize that God, 1399 01:33:31,659 --> 01:33:34,094 gave you a penis and a brain. 1400 01:33:34,261 --> 01:33:38,599 And only enough blood to run one at a time. 1401 01:33:43,637 --> 01:33:46,373 You have lost thoughts from your childhood. 1402 01:33:50,044 --> 01:33:52,246 And then you hear these words from your lady... 1403 01:33:52,379 --> 01:33:54,615 "My turn"! 1404 01:33:57,585 --> 01:34:00,187 "You can't fucking be serious"! 1405 01:34:02,223 --> 01:34:04,592 "Look at me, I'm Goo Boy! What are you doing"? 1406 01:34:06,627 --> 01:34:08,896 "That's right, Corky! It's time to saddle up". 1407 01:34:09,029 --> 01:34:10,864 "We're heading South of the border". 1408 01:34:11,732 --> 01:34:13,367 "You gotta please Missy". 1409 01:34:14,435 --> 01:34:16,003 I have one question for the ladies... 1410 01:34:16,804 --> 01:34:18,472 Do we look like this? 1411 01:35:12,793 --> 01:35:14,895 "Are you almost there"? 1412 01:35:15,629 --> 01:35:18,432 "No, no, no. I will finish"! 1413 01:35:19,133 --> 01:35:21,435 "I love you"! 1414 01:35:22,436 --> 01:35:26,207 "I love you! I will finish". 1415 01:35:27,374 --> 01:35:32,546 "I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue". 1416 01:35:33,147 --> 01:35:34,748 "Who's your daddy"? 1417 01:35:35,716 --> 01:35:38,085 "I love you"! 1418 01:35:38,552 --> 01:35:40,654 "I will finish". 1419 01:35:53,667 --> 01:35:55,736 Good night! 1420 01:36:31,071 --> 01:36:33,173 Thank you! 1421 01:36:38,345 --> 01:36:39,547 Thank you! 1422 01:36:41,015 --> 01:36:41,949 This night for New York! 1423 01:36:44,618 --> 01:36:47,087 What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? 1424 01:36:48,055 --> 01:36:49,490 Good night! 1425 01:36:54,061 --> 01:36:55,796 You're the best! 1426 01:36:57,965 --> 01:36:59,166 We did it! 1427 01:37:05,839 --> 01:37:07,274 My pink lady...