What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness | Robert Waldinger | TED Talks

What keeps us healthy and happy
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as we go through life?

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If you were going to invest now

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in your future best self,

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where would you put your time
and your energy?

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There are lots of answers out there.

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We're bombarded with images
of what's most important in life.

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The media are filled with stories
of people who are rich

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and famous and building empires at work.

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And we believe those stories.

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There was a recent survey of millennials

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asking them what their
most important life goals were,

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and over 80 percent said

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that a major life goal for them
was to get rich.

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And another 50 percent
of those same young adults

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said that another major life goal

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was to become famous.

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(Laughter)

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And we're constantly told
to lean in to work, to push harder

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and achieve more.

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We're given the impression that these
are the things that we need to go after

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in order to have a good life.

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But is that true?

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Is that really what keeps people happy
as they go through life?

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Pictures of entire lives,

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of the choices that people make
and how those choices work out for them,

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those pictures
are almost impossible to get.

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Most of what we know about human life

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we know from asking people
to remember the past,

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and as we know, hindsight
is anything but 20/20.

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We forget vast amounts
of what happens to us in life,

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and sometimes memory
is downright creative.

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Mark Twain understood this.

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He's quoted as saying,

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"Some of the worst things in my life
never happened."

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(Laughter)

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And research shows us that we actually
remember the past more positively

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as we get older.

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I'm reminded of a bumper sticker
that says,

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"It's never too late
to have a happy childhood."

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(Laughter)

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But what if we could watch entire lives

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as they unfold through time?

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What if we could study people
from the time that they were teenagers

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all the way into old age

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to see what really keeps people
happy and healthy?

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We did that.

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The Harvard Study of Adult Development

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may be the longest study
of adult life that's ever been done.

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For 75 years, we've tracked
the lives of 724 men,

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year after year, asking about their work,
their home lives, their health,

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and of course asking all along the way
without knowing how their life stories

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were going to turn out.

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Studies like this are exceedingly rare.

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Almost all projects of this kind
fall apart within a decade

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because too many people
drop out of the study,

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or funding for the research dries up,

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or the researchers get distracted,

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or they die, and nobody moves the ball
further down the field.

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But through a combination of luck

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and the persistence
of several generations of researchers,

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this study has survived.

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About 60 of our original 724 men

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are still alive,

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still participating in the study,

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most of them in their 90s.

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And we are now beginning to study

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the more than 2,000 children of these men.

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And I'm the fourth director of the study.

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Since 1938, we've tracked the lives
of two groups of men.

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The first group started in the study

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when they were sophomores
at Harvard College.

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The were from what Tom Brokaw has called
"the greatest generation".

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They all finished college
during World War II,

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and then most went off
to serve in the war.

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And the second group that we've followed

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was a group of boys
from Boston's poorest neighborhoods,

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boys who were chosen for the study

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specifically because they were
from some of the most troubled

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and disadvantaged families

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in the Boston of the 1930s.

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Most lived in tenements,
many without hot and cold running water.

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When they entered the study,

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all of these teenagers were interviewed.

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They were given medical exams.

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We went to their homes
and we interviewed their parents.

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And then these teenagers
grew up into adults

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who entered all walks of life.

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They became factory workers and lawyers
and bricklayers and doctors,

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one President of the United States.

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Some developed alcoholism.
A few developed schizophrenia.

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Some climbed the social ladder

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from the bottom
all the way to the very top,

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and some made that journey
in the opposite direction.

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The founders of this study

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would never in their wildest dreams

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have imagined that I would be
standing here today, 75 years later,

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telling you that
the study still continues.

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Every two years, our patient
and dedicated research staff

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calls up our men
and asks them if we can send them

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yet one more set of questions
about their lives.

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Many of the inner city Boston men ask us,

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"Why do you keep wanting to study me?
My life just isn't that interesting."

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The Harvard men never ask that question.

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(Laughter)

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To get the clearest picture
of these lives,

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we don't just send them questionnaires.

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We interview them in their living rooms.

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We get their medical records
from their doctors.

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We draw their blood, we scan their brains,

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we talk to their children.

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We videotape them talking with their wives
about their deepest concerns.

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And when, about a decade ago,
we finally asked the wives

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if they would join us
as members of the study,

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many of the women said,
"You know, it's about time."

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(Laughter)

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So what have we learned?

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What are the lessons that come
from the tens of thousands of pages

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of information that we've generated

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on these lives?

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Well, the lessons aren't about wealth
or fame or working harder and harder.

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The clearest message that we get
from this 75-year study is this:

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Good relationships keep us
happier and healthier. Period.

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We've learned three big lessons
about relationships.

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The first is that social connections
are really good for us,

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and that loneliness kills.

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It turns out that people
who are more socially connected

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to family, to friends, to community,

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are happier, they're physically healthier,
and they live longer

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than people who are less well connected.

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And the experience of loneliness
turns out to be toxic.

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People who are more isolated
than they want to be from others

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find that they are less happy,

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their health declines earlier in midlife,

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their brain functioning declines sooner

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and they live shorter lives
than people who are not lonely.

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And the sad fact
is that at any given time,

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more than one in five Americans
will report that they're lonely.

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And we know that you
can be lonely in a crowd

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and you can be lonely in a marriage,

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so the second big lesson that we learned

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is that it's not just
the number of friends you have,

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and it's not whether or not
you're in a committed relationship,

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but it's the quality
of your close relationships that matters.

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It turns out that living in the midst
of conflict is really bad for our health.

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High-conflict marriages, for example,
without much affection,

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turn out to be very bad for our health,
perhaps worse than getting divorced.

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And living in the midst of good,
warm relationships is protective.

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Once we had followed our men
all the way into their 80s,

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we wanted to look back at them at midlife

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and to see if we could predict

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who was going to grow
into a happy, healthy octogenarian

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and who wasn't.

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And when we gathered together
everything we knew about them

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at age 50,

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it wasn't their middle age
cholesterol levels

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that predicted how they
were going to grow old.

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It was how satisfied they were
in their relationships.

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The people who were the most satisfied
in their relationships at age 50

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were the healthiest at age 80.

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And good, close relationships
seem to buffer us

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from some of the slings and arrows
of getting old.

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Our most happily partnered men and women

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reported, in their 80s,

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that on the days
when they had more physical pain,

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their mood stayed just as happy.

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But the people who were
in unhappy relationships,

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on the days when they
reported more physical pain,

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it was magnified by more emotional pain.

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And the third big lesson that we learned
about relationships and our health

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is that good relationships
don't just protect our bodies,

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they protect our brains.

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It turns out that being
in a securely attached relationship

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to another person in your 80s
is protective,

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that the people who are in relationships

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where they really feel they can count
on the other person in times of need,

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those people's memories
stay sharper longer.

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And the people in relationships

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where they feel they really
can't count on the other one,

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those are the people who experience
earlier memory decline.

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And those good relationships,
they don't have to be smooth all the time.

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Some of our octogenarian couples
could bicker with each other

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day in and day out,

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but as long as they felt that they
could really count on the other

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when the going got tough,

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those arguments didn't take a toll
on their memories.

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So this message,

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that good, close relationships
are good for our health and well-being,

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this is wisdom that's as old as the hills.

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It's your grandmother's advice,
and your pastor's.

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Why is this so hard to get?

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For example, with respect to wealth, we know

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that once your basic
material needs are met,

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wealth doesn't do it.

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If you go from making
75,000 dollars a year

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to 75 million,

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we know that your health and happiness
will change very little,

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if at all.

11:52 - 11:53

When it comes to fame,

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the constant media intrusion

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and the lack of privacy

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make most famous people
significantly less healthy.

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It certainly doesn't keep them happier.

12:06 - 12:09

And as for working harder and harder,

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there is that truism
that nobody on their death bed

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ever wished they had spent
more time at the office.

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(Laughter)

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Why is this so hard to get
and so easy to ignore?

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Well, we're human.

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What we'd really like is a quick fix,

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something we can get

12:27 - 12:30

that'll make our lives good
and keep them that way.

12:31 - 12:34

Relationships are messy
and they're complicated

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and the hard work of tending
to family and friends,

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it's not sexy or glamorous.

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It's also lifelong. It never ends.

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The people in our 75-year study
who were the happiest in retirement

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were the people who had actively worked
to replace workmates with new playmates.

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Just like the millennials
in that recent survey,

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many of our men when they
were starting out as young adults

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really believed that fame and wealth
and high achievement

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were what they needed to go after
to have a good life.

13:15 - 13:20

But over and over, over these 75 years,
our study has shown

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that the people who fared the best were
the people who leaned in to relationships,

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with family, with friends, with community.

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So what about you?

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Let's say you're 25,
or you're 40, or you're 60.

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What might leaning in
to relationships even look like?

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Well, the possibilities
are practically endless.

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It might be something as simple
as replacing screen time with people time

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or livening up a stale relationship
by doing something new together,

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long walks or date nights,

13:59 - 14:04

or reaching out to that family member
who you haven't spoken to in years,

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because those all-too-common family feuds

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take a terrible toll

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on the people who hold the grudges.

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I'd like to close with another quote
from Mark Twain.

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More than a century ago,

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he was looking back on his life,

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and he wrote this:

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"There isn't time, so brief is life,

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for bickerings, apologies,
heartburnings, callings to account.

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There is only time for loving,

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and but an instant,
so to speak, for that."

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The good life is built
with good relationships.

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And that's an idea worth spreading.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)