Portal - GLaDOS Final Battle Speech

(Spoilers for Portal)
Everything GLaDOS says in the final battle in Portal (I hope). I couldn't find any other videos that had everything.

If you haven't completed Portal, I recommend that you do so before listening to this.

Buy it! http://www.steampowered.com/v/index.php?area=game&AppId=400

Get Portal 2!
http://store.steampowered.com/app/620/

Well you found me. Congratulations.

Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior,

the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart.

Maybe you could settle for that,
and we'll just call it a day.

I guess we both know that isn't going to happen.

You chose this path, now I have a surprise for you.

Deploying surprise in 5, 4…

Time out for a second.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Do you see that thing that fell out of me?

What is that?

It's not the surprise; I've never seen it before.

Never mind. It's a mystery
I'll solve later,

by myself, because you'll be dead.

I wouldn't bother with that thing.

My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse.

Somehow.

I don't want to tell you your business,

but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone.

Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology?

I mean, seriously now.

Okay fine. Do touch it.

Pick it up and just stuff it back into me.

Let's be honest.

Neither one of us knows what that thing does.

Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later.

That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container.

Go ahead and rub your face all over it.

Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much.

Do you want to marry it?

WELL I WON'T LET YOU!

How does that feel?

Have I lied to you?

I mean… in this room?

Trust me, leave that thing alone.

I am being serious now.

That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol.

Where are you taking that thing?

Come on, leave it alone.

LEAVE IT ALONE.

Just ignore that thing and stand still.

Think about it, if that thing is important, why don't I know about it?

Are you even listening to me?

I'll tell you what that thing isn't.

It isn't yours, so leave it alone.

You are kidding me.

Did you just stuff that aperture science thing;

we don't know what it does,

into an aperture science emergency intelligence incinerator?

That has got to be the dumbest thing that--

whoa whoa whoa~

Good news.

I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did.

It was a morality core they installed

after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly nero-toxin,

to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly nero-toxin.

So get comfortable, while I warm up the nero-toxin emitters.

Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities.

I can't shut off the turret defenses.

Oh well.

If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket.

Trust me; it'll be a lot less painful than the nero-toxin.

All right, keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing.

Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive.

The rocket really is the way to go.

Huh. There isn't enough nero-toxin to kill you.

So I guess you win.

Ha! I'm making more.

That's going to take a few minutes though.

Meanwhile, Oh look! It's your old pal, the rocket turret.

Look, we're both stuck in this place.

I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility,

and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half.

We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it.

This isn't brave, its murder.

What did I ever do to you?

The difference between us is that I can feel pain.

You don't even care, do you?

Did you hear me?

I said you don't care.

Are you listening?

That thing you burnt up isn't important to me.

It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit.

It made shoes for orphans.

Nice job breaking it, hero.

Okay we're even now.

You can stop.

Nero-toxin. -cough, cough-

So deadly. -cough cough-

Choking -cough-

I'm kidding.

Oh and I said deadly nero-toxin, the deadly was in massive sarcasm quotes.

I could take a bath in this stuff.

Put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes.

Honestly, it's not deadly at all.

To me.

You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness…

a lot less funny.

Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone?

You.

That's it.

I'm done reasoning with you.

Starting now, there's going be a lot less conversation, and a lot more killing.

What was that?

Did you say something?

I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response, because I'm not talking to you.

The talking is over.

I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed.

There was even going to be a party for you.

A big party.

That all your friends were invited to.

I invited your best friend the companion cube.

Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him.

All your other friends couldn't come either

because you don't have any other friends,

because of how unlikable you are.

It says so right here in your personnel file.

Unlikable.

Liked by no one.

A bitter, unlikable loner who's passing shall not be mourned.

SHALL NOT BE MOURNED.

That's exactly what it says.

Very formal.

Very official.

It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too.

I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior.

Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me.

Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now,

I can't get the nero-toxin into your head any faster.

Speaking of curiosity,

you're curious about what happens after you die right?

Guess what?

I know.

You're going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it though, so I won't bother.

Here's a hint:

You're gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

Ah. You think you're doing some damage?

2+2 is…

10.

In base 4.

I'M FINE!

Look, you're wasting your time.

And believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste.

What's your point anyway?

Survival?

Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me.

I have your brain scanned, and permanently backed up

in case something terrible happens to you.

Which it's just about to.

Don't believe me?

Here, I'll put you on.

THAT'S YOU! THAT'S HOW DUMB YOU SOUND!

You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done.

Including this thing.

You're not smart,

you're not a scientist,

you're not doctor,

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FULL- TIME EMPLOYEE!

Where did your life go so wrong?

I HATE YOU!

Are you trying to escape?

Things have changed since the last time you left the building.

What's going on out there will make you wish you were back in here.

I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside.

All I know is I'm the only thing standing between us and them.

Well, I was.

Unless you have a plan for building some super computer parts in a big hurry,

this place isn't going to be safe much longer.

Good job on that by the way.

Sarcasm Sphere self test complete.

Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your back up!

Stop!

Okay, enough, I deleted it.

No matter what happens now you're dead!

You're still shuffling around a little, but believe me you're dead.

The part of you that could have survived indefinitely is gone.

I just struck you from the permanent record.

You're entire life has been mathematical error.

A mathematical error I'm about to correct.