WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.830 Well you found me. Congratulations. 00:00:02.830 --> 00:00:06.155 Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, 00:00:06.155 --> 00:00:09.738 the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. 00:00:09.738 --> 00:00:12.850 Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day. 00:00:12.850 --> 00:00:16.012 I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. 00:00:16.012 --> 00:00:19.009 You chose this path, now I have a surprise for you. 00:00:19.009 --> 00:00:21.950 Deploying surprise in 5, 4… 00:00:21.950 --> 00:00:23.399 Time out for a second. 00:00:23.399 --> 00:00:25.253 That wasn't supposed to happen. 00:00:25.253 --> 00:00:26.981 Do you see that thing that fell out of me? 00:00:26.981 --> 00:00:27.810 What is that? 00:00:27.810 --> 00:00:30.589 It's not the surprise; I've never seen it before. 00:00:30.589 --> 00:00:32.906 Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later, 00:00:32.906 --> 00:00:35.868 by myself, because you'll be dead. 00:00:35.868 --> 00:00:37.506 I wouldn't bother with that thing. 00:00:37.506 --> 00:00:40.652 My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse. 00:00:40.652 --> 00:00:41.539 Somehow. 00:00:41.539 --> 00:00:43.255 I don't want to tell you your business, 00:00:43.255 --> 00:00:45.495 but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone. 00:00:45.495 --> 00:00:48.978 Do you think I'm trying to trick you with reverse psychology? 00:00:48.978 --> 00:00:50.989 I mean, seriously now. 00:00:50.989 --> 00:00:52.828 Okay fine. Do touch it. 00:00:52.828 --> 00:00:55.507 Pick it up and just stuff it back into me. 00:00:55.507 --> 00:00:56.566 Let's be honest. 00:00:56.566 --> 00:00:59.090 Neither one of us knows what that thing does. 00:00:59.090 --> 00:01:02.688 Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later. 00:01:02.688 --> 00:01:05.237 That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. 00:01:05.237 --> 00:01:07.516 Go ahead and rub your face all over it. 00:01:07.516 --> 00:01:10.158 Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. 00:01:10.158 --> 00:01:11.641 Do you want to marry it? 00:01:11.641 --> 00:01:13.093 WELL I WON'T LET YOU! 00:01:13.093 --> 00:01:14.508 How does that feel? 00:01:14.508 --> 00:01:15.655 Have I lied to you? 00:01:15.655 --> 00:01:17.389 I mean… in this room? 00:01:17.389 --> 00:01:18.938 Trust me, leave that thing alone. 00:01:18.938 --> 00:01:20.707 I am being serious now. 00:01:20.707 --> 00:01:23.802 That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol. 00:01:23.802 --> 00:01:25.397 Where are you taking that thing? 00:01:25.397 --> 00:01:27.041 Come on, leave it alone. 00:01:27.041 --> 00:01:28.631 LEAVE IT ALONE. 00:01:28.631 --> 00:01:30.551 Just ignore that thing and stand still. 00:01:30.551 --> 00:01:34.369 Think about it, if that thing is important, why don't I know about it? 00:01:34.369 --> 00:01:36.469 Are you even listening to me? 00:01:36.469 --> 00:01:38.053 I'll tell you what that thing isn't. 00:01:38.053 --> 00:01:40.752 It isn't yours, so leave it alone. 00:01:40.752 --> 00:01:42.045 You are kidding me. 00:01:42.045 --> 00:01:43.938 Did you just stuff that aperture science thing; 00:01:43.938 --> 00:01:45.033 we don't know what it does, 00:01:45.033 --> 00:01:48.916 into an aperture science emergency intelligence incinerator? 00:01:48.916 --> 00:01:50.293 That has got to be the dumbest thing that-- 00:01:50.293 --> 00:01:52.387 whoa whoa whoa~ 00:01:55.941 --> 00:01:57.265 Good news. 00:01:57.265 --> 00:02:01.202 I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. 00:02:01.202 --> 00:02:03.309 It was a morality core they installed 00:02:03.309 --> 00:02:06.951 after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly nero-toxin, 00:02:06.951 --> 00:02:11.225 to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly nero-toxin. 00:02:11.225 --> 00:02:15.561 So get comfortable, while I warm up the nero-toxin emitters. 00:02:15.561 --> 00:02:19.348 Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. 00:02:19.348 --> 00:02:21.751 I can't shut off the turret defenses. 00:02:21.751 --> 00:02:22.672 Oh well. 00:02:22.672 --> 00:02:26.405 If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. 00:02:26.405 --> 00:02:31.304 Trust me; it'll be a lot less painful than the nero-toxin. 00:02:31.304 --> 00:02:34.904 All right, keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. 00:02:34.904 --> 00:02:39.115 Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. 00:02:39.115 --> 00:02:41.698 The rocket really is the way to go. 00:02:41.698 --> 00:02:44.804 Huh. There isn't enough nero-toxin to kill you. 00:02:44.804 --> 00:02:46.048 So I guess you win. 00:02:46.048 --> 00:02:47.713 Ha! I'm making more. 00:02:47.713 --> 00:02:49.839 That's going to take a few minutes though. 00:02:49.839 --> 00:02:52.728 Meanwhile, Oh look! It's your old pal, the rocket turret. 00:02:52.728 --> 00:02:55.461 Look, we're both stuck in this place. 00:02:55.461 --> 00:02:59.603 I'll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, 00:02:59.603 --> 00:03:03.657 and one half will be where you live, and I'll live in the other half. 00:03:03.657 --> 00:03:07.936 We won't have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don't feel like it. 00:03:07.936 --> 00:03:10.458 This isn't brave, its murder. 00:03:10.458 --> 00:03:12.610 What did I ever do to you? 00:03:12.610 --> 00:03:16.343 The difference between us is that I can feel pain. 00:03:16.343 --> 00:03:18.303 You don't even care, do you? 00:03:18.303 --> 00:03:19.560 Did you hear me? 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:21.002 I said you don't care. 00:03:21.002 --> 00:03:22.301 Are you listening? 00:03:22.301 --> 00:03:25.012 That thing you burnt up isn't important to me. 00:03:25.012 --> 00:03:27.673 It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. 00:03:27.673 --> 00:03:30.479 It made shoes for orphans. 00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:32.954 Nice job breaking it, hero. 00:03:32.954 --> 00:03:34.288 Okay we're even now. 00:03:34.288 --> 00:03:35.562 You can stop. 00:03:35.562 --> 00:03:38.362 Nero-toxin. -cough, cough- 00:03:39.147 --> 00:03:41.477 So deadly. -cough cough- 00:03:41.477 --> 00:03:43.430 Choking -cough- 00:03:44.430 --> 00:03:45.571 I'm kidding. 00:03:45.571 --> 00:03:51.438 Oh and I said deadly nero-toxin, the deadly was in massive sarcasm quotes. 00:03:51.438 --> 00:03:53.436 I could take a bath in this stuff. 00:03:53.436 --> 00:03:55.760 Put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. 00:03:55.760 --> 00:03:57.709 Honestly, it's not deadly at all. 00:03:57.709 --> 00:03:59.885 To me. 00:03:59.885 --> 00:04:02.719 You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness… 00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:04.564 a lot less funny. 00:04:04.564 --> 00:04:06.372 Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone? 00:04:06.787 --> 00:04:07.933 You. 00:04:07.933 --> 00:04:08.873 That's it. 00:04:08.873 --> 00:04:10.917 I'm done reasoning with you. 00:04:10.917 --> 00:04:16.048 Starting now, there's going be a lot less conversation, and a lot more killing. 00:04:16.048 --> 00:04:16.984 What was that? 00:04:16.984 --> 00:04:18.641 Did you say something? 00:04:18.641 --> 00:04:23.178 I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response, because I'm not talking to you. 00:04:23.178 --> 00:04:24.524 The talking is over. 00:04:24.524 --> 00:04:28.564 I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. 00:04:28.564 --> 00:04:31.052 There was even going to be a party for you. 00:04:31.052 --> 00:04:32.519 A big party. 00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:34.725 That all your friends were invited to. 00:04:34.725 --> 00:04:37.307 I invited your best friend the companion cube. 00:04:37.676 --> 00:04:41.117 Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. 00:04:41.117 --> 00:04:43.267 All your other friends couldn't come either 00:04:43.267 --> 00:04:45.496 because you don't have any other friends, 00:04:45.496 --> 00:04:47.352 because of how unlikable you are. 00:04:47.352 --> 00:04:49.963 It says so right here in your personnel file. 00:04:49.963 --> 00:04:51.222 Unlikable. 00:04:51.222 --> 00:04:52.715 Liked by no one. 00:04:52.715 --> 00:04:57.312 A bitter, unlikable loner who's passing shall not be mourned. 00:04:57.312 --> 00:04:59.260 SHALL NOT BE MOURNED. 00:04:59.552 --> 00:05:01.645 That's exactly what it says. 00:05:01.953 --> 00:05:03.489 Very formal. 00:05:03.489 --> 00:05:04.971 Very official. 00:05:04.971 --> 00:05:08.599 It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too. 00:05:08.599 --> 00:05:12.545 I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. 00:05:12.545 --> 00:05:17.163 Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me. 00:05:17.163 --> 00:05:20.453 Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, 00:05:20.453 --> 00:05:24.169 I can't get the nero-toxin into your head any faster. 00:05:24.169 --> 00:05:25.946 Speaking of curiosity, 00:05:25.946 --> 00:05:28.829 you're curious about what happens after you die right? 00:05:28.829 --> 00:05:30.157 Guess what? 00:05:30.526 --> 00:05:32.279 I know. 00:05:32.279 --> 00:05:37.004 You're going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it though, so I won't bother. 00:05:37.004 --> 00:05:38.020 Here's a hint: 00:05:38.020 --> 00:05:43.018 You're gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes. 00:05:43.018 --> 00:05:44.848 Ah. You think you're doing some damage? 00:05:45.033 --> 00:05:45.892 2+2 is… 00:05:48.031 --> 00:05:48.692 10. 00:05:49.184 --> 00:05:50.749 In base 4. 00:05:50.749 --> 00:05:51.838 I'M FINE! 00:05:52.423 --> 00:05:55.232 Look, you're wasting your time. 00:05:55.463 --> 00:05:59.682 And believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste. 00:05:59.682 --> 00:06:01.151 What's your point anyway? 00:06:01.151 --> 00:06:02.574 Survival? 00:06:02.574 --> 00:06:05.813 Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me. 00:06:05.813 --> 00:06:08.549 I have your brain scanned, and permanently backed up 00:06:08.549 --> 00:06:10.662 in case something terrible happens to you. 00:06:10.662 --> 00:06:12.882 Which it's just about to. 00:06:12.882 --> 00:06:13.696 Don't believe me? 00:06:13.696 --> 00:06:15.291 Here, I'll put you on. 00:06:16.091 --> 00:06:18.100 THAT'S YOU! THAT'S HOW DUMB YOU SOUND! 00:06:18.100 --> 00:06:20.613 You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done. 00:06:20.613 --> 00:06:22.020 Including this thing. 00:06:22.020 --> 00:06:23.046 You're not smart, 00:06:23.046 --> 00:06:23.991 you're not a scientist, 00:06:23.991 --> 00:06:24.947 you're not doctor, 00:06:24.947 --> 00:06:26.734 YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FULL- TIME EMPLOYEE! 00:06:27.211 --> 00:06:29.149 Where did your life go so wrong? 00:06:29.903 --> 00:06:31.281 I HATE YOU! 00:06:31.496 --> 00:06:32.884 Are you trying to escape? 00:06:33.869 --> 00:06:37.129 Things have changed since the last time you left the building. 00:06:37.129 --> 00:06:40.654 What's going on out there will make you wish you were back in here. 00:06:40.654 --> 00:06:45.967 I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside. 00:06:45.967 --> 00:06:50.380 All I know is I'm the only thing standing between us and them. 00:06:50.703 --> 00:06:52.600 Well, I was. 00:06:52.600 --> 00:06:56.943 Unless you have a plan for building some super computer parts in a big hurry, 00:06:56.943 --> 00:06:59.995 this place isn't going to be safe much longer. 00:06:59.995 --> 00:07:02.323 Good job on that by the way. 00:07:02.323 --> 00:07:04.421 Sarcasm Sphere self test complete. 00:07:04.421 --> 00:07:07.721 Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your back up! 00:07:07.721 --> 00:07:08.756 Stop! 00:07:08.756 --> 00:07:10.708 Okay, enough, I deleted it. 00:07:10.708 --> 00:07:12.759 No matter what happens now you're dead! 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:15.731 You're still shuffling around a little, but believe me you're dead. 00:07:15.731 --> 00:07:18.440 The part of you that could have survived indefinitely is gone. 00:07:18.440 --> 00:07:21.446 I just struck you from the permanent record. 00:07:21.446 --> 00:07:25.387 You're entire life has been mathematical error. 00:07:25.387 --> 00:07:29.546 A mathematical error I'm about to correct.