Dharma And Greg Season 1 Episode 1 Pilot

With English closed captioning

Very good. Now the water signs?

Pisces, Scorpio- Abby, look! Policemen!

And what do we say to policeman?

I have a Fourth Amendment right

prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.

Yeah! Give me some skin.

I cannot believe we are taking the train.

Fine. We'll stand in the rain and watch cabs go by.

This is fun!

No, it's not. It's public transportation.

Don't touch anything, everything's dirty.

Don't stare at strangers, they'll want money.

What did your father just tell you?

Don't, don't, don't...

Gregory, really!

Schmuck.

When are you gonna stop moping?

I just can't stop thinking about that girl on the train.

I'm an idiot.

I should have gone after her. I should have talked to her.

No, no. You shouldn't have and I'll tell you why.

You would have gone over and said something nice...

like "You were looking at me. I know you want me"

Next thing you know, you are rolling around on the floor

with a face full of pepper spray.

Good talking to you, Pete.

Hey, anytime. I'm here for you, man.

Well, hello. What took you so long?

Wha... H....

Howww did I find you?

Yeah.

"Greg Montgomery, assistant U.S. attorney files mob indictment."

See, that's you, right next to the guy with the coat over his head.

This is amazing.

I know. Is this a wild universe, or what?!!

Dharma. Dharma Finklestein.

Dharma Finklestein?

Yeah, I know.

My dad was Jewish but he wished he was the Dali Lama.

Let's go!

Where're we going?

We have to get to know each other.

I mean we obviously know each other on a spiritual level.

Otherwise we wouldn't be here.

But on a practical level, we have a lot of catching up to do.

You lost me.

I know. But that was another lifetime and I promise I won't let it happen again.

Do you like organ music?

Organ music?

I got to admit, he's pretty good.

Yeah. Wait 'til he does the Mexican Hat Dance. He rocks!

I wouldn't have pegged you for a baseball fan.

No, I'm not. I just love to listen to organ music and scream.

You know you can scream anything you want at a baseball game

and it doesn't even have to make sense?!!

Naw.

Yep. Watch this...

Come on big guy, drive your coffee table to Idaho. Woooooo!

Try it! It's fun!

Naw. It's okay.

Wooo! Nectarine time! Comb your frog!

Hey, Gidget! Shut up!

Excuse me?

I'm not talking to you.

Well you are now.

Oh yeah? Who the hell are you?

Greg Montgomery, Justice Department.

You have two options. Either you can apologize to the lady

or we'll take a little ride over to Customs and have a chat

about these Cuban cigars of yours.

Sorry.

It's okay.

God, that's so sweet!

Nobody has ever intimidated someone for me before.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You deserve a reward.

What did you have in mind?

Do you like blueberry pie?

Sure.

C'mon!

Looks like the Giants are winning.

Who?

You know, they have pie in San Francisco.

Mmmm. Not this pie.

You're right. It's the best pie I have ever had in my life.

How did you find this place?

Well, my family lived in Reno for a few years 'til my dad fixed the van.

Where was I?

In a Navajo sweat lodge with a guy named Gunther.

Oh right!

So this old medicine man walks up to us

and says if you look into the eyes of your soulmate,

you'll be able to see all the generations you'll create.

Isn't that wild?!!

Yeah.

So then I looked into Gunther's eyes, and I can't even see next Thursday!

Isn't that wild?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

I don't know. What do you usually do?

Me? Well I definitely don't fly to Reno for pie.

I mean, I would usually exchange phone numbers with you...

we'd start dating. Things would go pretty well at first...

until I started calling you too much

then you'd get annoyed and start screening your calls...

so I'd call you really late because I know you'll be home...

you'd pick up... I'd panic... hang up...

you'd *69 me... I'm too embarrassed to ever talk to you again...

so we would break up.

Ahhhh! Let's not do that!

Believe me, I do not want to do that. Especially with you.

God! I wish there was some way we could just skip the dating part.

Why can't we?

Honey, it's our song!

That was incredible!

I know. I'm glad we waited 'til after we were married.

We're married! I can't believe it.

Are we nuts?

Yeah.

Think of the great story we'll be able to tell our children.

Oh good! You want to have children.

Yeah, unless you want to have 'em

We should probably get some sleep.

Yeah.

What time is it?

8:00 am.

Oh the pie shop just opened!

I'll jump in the shower. Want to join me?

Honey, I've been joining you for the last eight hours.

Hello?

Greg's pants.

He's not in them right now.

This is, this is Dharma. Who's this?

Oh hello, Gregory's mother.

No, he's in the shower right now. May I take a message?

Lunch at your place?

1:00. We'll be there.

Me and Greg!

Oh! Actually, can we make it 2:00, because we're in Nevada.

Okay, good. Goodbye, Gregory's mother.

Honey, what's taking you so long?

I was talking to your mother.

What?

Hurry up! We have to be at your parents' house by two.

What?

Alright. I just gotta change my clothes and we're outta here.

Jane?

Hey, Dharma.

What's going on?

I'm breaking up with Ivan.

Is that his motorcycle?

Used to be. Now it's garbage.

Well, I got some news too.

Yeah? What?

I got married.

Shut up!

No you shut up!

Shut up!

No, you shut up!

This is my husband, Greg.

Incredible!

Congratulations!

Thanks!

If you cause my friend any emotional pain whatsoever...

I'll punish you in ways you can't even imagine.

Okay, I've got to finish this before Ivan wakes up.

Nice meeting you, Greg.

Pleasure.

Oh it's the boys! Hello, boys!

Greg, I want you to meet my dog Stinky...

and this is Stinky's dog Nunzio.

Stinky has his own dog?

Yes, it was his Bar Mitzvah present.

Well, what do you think?

I've never seen anything like it.

Good! That's what I was going for!

Uh, Dharma, there's a naked woman in your apartment.

Abby, I have someone I want you to meet.

What? Oh! I'm sorry.

She always takes her clothes off when she paints.

Is she your roommate?

No, it's my mother.

The naked woman is your mother.

Do you have any tums?

Hi honey.

Hey. How's the mural coming?

Oh boy, well I had a lot of trouble with the face of God...

so on your wall, Adam and Eve are created by Janis Joplin.

Cool! Guess what?!!

What?

I got married.

Shut up!

No you shut up!

Wow! Dharma, sweetie!

Abby, I want you to meet my husband, Greg.

God, I love saying that!

Greg! Oh wow! Congratulations!

Thank you. I'm going to take very good care of your daughter.

Give me your hand.

Oh I love this part!

Give me your hand.

Okay. Long lifeline. That's good.

What am I doing? You two probably want to have sex.

Oh actually we were just on our way to Greg's parents'.

I don't know, honey, do we have time?

Uh...

Hey, Abby, if you're not coming back, I'm gonna eat the apple. Hello!

Let me guess, that's your father.

Yeah. He's posing for Adam.

Listen, Dharma, when Larry comes back out...

let's say the two of you are living together, okay?

It's not you, Greg. It's Larry. He's opposed to marriage.

He hates that natural love has been co-opted by the "Fascist State."

Hey, pumpkin!

Hi Larry.

I'm doing Adam.

I heard.

Larry, this is Greg.

Yeah, and they are about to have sex so we should probably leave.

Dig it.

He's cute, don't you think?

I smell a lawyer.

My parents.

Oh, I'll change.

Don't think you can change that much.

Finklestein?

Mmm hmm.

Edward, what's the name of our Jewish friends?

The Gotliebs, dear.

Right. The Gotliebs. Do you know them?

Uh no. Actually I wasn't raised Jewish.

My dad started his own church, though. But no one really came.

Well, except the IRS.

So, how long have you two been dating?

Actually we're not dating.

Oh.

We're married.

Pardon?

He said they're...

I heard him.

I know it's a big surprise, but I need you to trust me on this.

I love this woman and I've never been happier in my life.

So do you guys just hate me?

Dharma, please, let me handle this.

Mom, dad, you gotta believe me. I did the right thing here.

Oh my God, she's pregnant.

She's not pregnant. I just met her yesterday.

Consuela, bourbon grande por favor.

Greg, can I see you in the study for a moment?

No. Anything you want to say to me you can say in front of Dharma.

Alright. Quite frankly, your mother and I would be lying if we didn't say

we are very concerned about this.

I don't mean to offend you, Karma...

Dharma.

Whatever.

Dharma, you are not exactly the type of girl we imagined our son settling down with.

How can you say that? You don't know anything about her.

Fair enough.

Dharma, tell us about yourself.

Well, I train dogs during the day and then I teach yoga at night.

That's enough.

Forget about what you imagined, what about me being in love?

Gregory, this is not about love.

How can marriage not be about love?

I don't know, ask your father.

Wow. You guys aren't in love?

This is not about our marriage.

Well, it should be.

I mean, I don't don't know you two very well either

but um, when's the last time you two had sex?

Okay.

That's enough.

Just trying to help.

Honey, I know, it's just that for now, why don't we have our lunch

and talk about this another time?

Excellent suggestion.

Splendid.

The salmon's delicious.

Yes it is. Is this the same sauce she usually makes?

I believe it is, yes.

Oh, Bunny got her own golf cart.

Oh, gas or electric?

You know, you guys should try doing it outside.

Dharma.

No, I'm serious. In a big field where you could get caught.

Well that didn't go very well, did it.

No, it was great.

Especially when you suggested my mother buy a shower massage

and learn to "fly solo."

Come on, Greg! They're in separate bedrooms.

Dharma, be reasonable.

You can't just say whatever you think whenever you want.

Why not?

Why not? Because what happens when we're out to dinner with, I don't know...

the Attorney General? Are you going to sit there and rave about high colonics?

I'm telling you, Greg, it would change your father's life.

Damn it, Dharma, if you're not willing to play the game even a little,

we've got a major problem.

Don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling, I'm just trying to make you understand.

Understand what?

That you married me because of who I am and now you want me to change

into a totally different person.

Yes.

Yes?

I mean no, only part of the time.

Well, I can't do that because that is totally dishonest.

Now come on, you can't go around being honest all the time.

Yeah you can.

Oh really?

Yeah, maybe you should try it sometime.

Fine. You want honesty? I think you are being a child.

A child?

Yes, you're completely unwilling to compromise. You're like a 3 year old.

Let me out.

I'm not letting you out.

I said let me out.

Fine. Get out.

You're really kicking me out?

We're here.

Oh. You're sleeping on the couch tonight, buddy.

I got news for you. I'm sleeping at my place.

Good.

Fine.

Don't call me.

You don't have a phone!

I was so sure she was the one.

Of course you were, dear. I know this is difficult for you...

Did she sign a prenuptial agreement?

Thanks for your support.

Sorry, sorry.

Do you think she'd sign one now?

Mother!

Edward.

I'll call Gotlieb.

Mother, you don't understand. I love her.

Gregory, if you care about this girl, you will end this marriage now.

How can you say that?

Darling! I know free spirits like her. I went to Vassar.

And believe me, after a few years of hanging on your arm at political dinners

with this fake smile plastered on her face, all she will be good for is...

crawling into a bottle of Chardonnay with a Neeman Marcus catalogue and a bottle

of Valium the size of your head. Or so one imagines.

I was just so sure he was the one.

I know, darling. Maybe someday he will be. That's what reincarnation is for.

I can't believe my daughter got married, and to a Fed!

Calm down, Larry.

This is your fault, Abby. Let her get an EasyBake Oven, what harm will it do?

I'm the one who made the decision, Larry. I'm an adult now.

I know, baby.

But I don't want to see you living in a house with a fence

and a car that you drive kids to soccer practice in. C'mon.

We raised you better than that.

Where are you going?

I'm going out for ice cream.

You just had a whole bag of pretzels.

That was salty. I need sweet.

Maybe I should compromise more.

You must have had to compromise a lot for Larry.

Well not really. Not anything I had to stick with.

Your father blew out his short-term memory back in 1972.

I just wish I knew what to do.

Ah, sweetie. Dharma, you know what? It's your life, darlin' and I can't tell you how to live it.

But I do know one thing. It's really important to be with somebody who

accepts you the way you are.

Yeah.

Ice cream.

Right.

I'm better off, right?

Oh absolutely. I mean if you are going to be putting up with that kind of craziness

you better be damn sure she's the one.

Yeah. You're right. But how do you know when it's the one?

You got me. I met this girl once. Same thing.

Love at first sight. Head over heels.

I'm thinking I'm spending the rest of my life with this babe, right?

24 hours later I'm in Sacramento chained to a radiator

and she's trying to cut out my kidney.

Good talking to you, Pete.

Anytime. I'm here for you, man.

Wanna trash his car?

No.

Push him off a cliff?

Jane!

C'mon! What do you want to do?

I don't know. I really don't know.

I guess you'll have to do it your way. Just be patient

and let the universe tell you what to do.

Oh my God. I think it just did.

Greg, Greg, Greg!

I can be Greg. Or Paul. Bill.

What took you so long?

Shut up!

No, you shut up!