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<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>
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(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful public sessions.
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My question is about reactions
I get from my friends when I talk.
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Whenever I talk, there is a
lack of reactions and, in turn,
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mood of the gathering gets
subdued and feels boring.
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I try my best to get by, but
the more I try, the more
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I get timid and withdrawn
afterwards.
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Instead of going out to meet
people right now,
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I prefer to spend time
alone at home.
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The more I try to talk with people,
I feel more withdrawn inside.
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I don't know how to go
about this.
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That's my concern right now
and the question for you.
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(Sunim) Why do you
feel withdrawn?
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(Questioner) Just happens...
When the response gets tepic
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I feel like they are indifferent
to whatever I am saying.
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And I think, "Why am I doing this?"
I feel deflated and insignificant.
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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
according to people's reactions?
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(Questioner) Yes
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(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.
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(Questioner) They don't.
But if they don't react
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as I expected, then I feel
awkward and dispirited.
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(Sunim) Isn't it normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.
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(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.
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But rather you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."
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If that expectation isn't met,
then you feel discouraged.
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Whether to respond or not,
it their choice.
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If you don't expect,
no need to feel discouraged.
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Speak your piece
and be done.
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You should not
expect reactions.
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If you have to force the
reactions out of friends,
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that is not a good way
to build friendships.
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(Questioner) Still, when we are all together,
I end up being alone separated.
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(Sunim) Whh? I have a
friend who hardly talks.
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Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.
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He just says yes and mingles
with the group very well.
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You either want to be
a leader in control,
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or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.
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That is not being a friend.
You let your friends have
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fun, listen, agree and
smile, that's a friend.
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That's all you need to do.
Why do you want to talk so much?
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What reason is there to always
take the lead amongst friends?
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(Questioner) Not so much the
leadership but more of
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a life of the party....
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(Sunim) Why should you be
the center of the party?
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(Audience Laughter)
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(Sunim) Trying to be the life
of the party means you want
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to have the control of your
get togethers, it's the sane,
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Only difference is you
are using different words
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to describe the same motive.
(Audience Laughter)
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You have to let go of that desire.
Amongst friends, you should not
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have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet.
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Do you? If you have
something to say , say it.
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Or you can listen to others,
and smile.
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Between friends, one does
not have to lead.
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Seeking to lead, control, or
gain popularity, friendships suffer.
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Friendship is about equality,
that's what friendship is.
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Not drinking doesn't make you
any less of a friend.
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It's a lie to say otherwise
to a drinking buddy.
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Even if you don't touch a drop,
as long as you're paying for it,
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they're happy, right?
(Audience laughter)
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You can go to those gatherings
anytime and pay for the drinks
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without having to drink yourself.
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But thinking that
not being able to drink
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makes someone a bad friend
is completely wrong.
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