He Won't Forget the Past—The Work of Byron Katie

My, something about my controlling and harsh
critical husband I feel stuck on working with

the turnarounds.
Iím still confused. So,

Anyone have a harsh critical husband or wife?
Okay, and what do they, what does he say that

is so painful?
ìI canít talk to you anymore.î

Do you love silence? Do you love peace?
Absolutely

Well heís the perfect husband for you.
Thank you

Anyone else?
When he gets really upset heíll say like,

ìYouíre not a decent woman.î
Youíre notÖ

A decent woman
Okay, so thatís simple. When youíre at home

alone and you have the blinds shut because
you donít want anyone to see you, what is

that about?
You know, when you go to that bathroom in

a public place, why do you shut the door?
And Iím just showing you how my mind plays

with things because I hit this one years ago
right away.

Stephen had to teach me to shut the bathroom
door because whenÖwhy do I tell these things?

He came in one time, years ago, and I was
doing the school in the wonderful desert and

I had several staff, they were woman, but
that wouldnít have affected me I guess, but

I was working with all these staff for the
next session and he came in and I was in the

bathroom doing my thing and they were all
there just, we were just taking care ofÖ

We were having a staff meeting basically while
I went to the bathroom.

He was horrified.
And as love would have it, I support Stephen.

So, decent also is a matter of definition.
Yeah

Oh good
What honey?

What did she say? I mean, Iím not following
this one.

So you be the husband.
Okay

Yuck, youíre not decent.
Oh honey, tell me more. Where specifically?

What specifically?
You donít close the bathroom door when you

pee.
Thatís true.

And you also need to cloth yourself better.
I can see your cleavage and your butt crack.

Oh wow. I can see thatísÖYeah, thatís so.
Really? Like, thatís it?

Well if itís true, heís right.
I mean if my butt crack is showing and my

cleavage showingÖ Heís a keen observer.
I mean, okay, see if you can hear this:

Love is never boxed in.
It never excludes.

Itís your heart.
I have a big thing about manners and decency

and all my stories about that with my daughter
and my former step-daughters and stuff. So,

Iím constantly saying mind your manners and
shit.

You know, as egos would have it, we just marry
within those little culture bubbles. So weíre

all safe.
Thatís not right or wrong. Itís just unnecessary.

Love crashes all the boundaries.
So, I might say, if you donít have the table

manners then you were indecent.
Yeah, and I think, well you know sweetheart,

that must be very painful for you.
And Iím very open to buying pants with different

waistline, higher things and Iím very open
to better table manners and I think it would

be a lot of fun to take on that apparent identity.
Wow

And see if it helps you at all.
Can I say something?

Itís actually deeper than that when he gets
really upset heíll say like, ìwhoreî and

thatís likeÖ
Okay so say to me; heís really upset.

He would just, he would just say like, ìYouíre
just a whore.î

Oh, yea.
And that hurts.

Yeah, but you know, if you know yourself itís
not going to hurt honey.

But, still if you have like a specific happening
in the past, and you know he refers to that,

then it hurts.
Yes, so a good old Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

or five or six.
But I tried.

Well, you know, do you have a worksheet now?
Yeah, Iím not with him anymore, but physically,

heís there.
You know, this started out as light, and I

hear where you are. Itís really painful.
It really hurts, but I can tell you in my

experience, I look just like you, I felt what
youíre feeling, what I imagine that youíre

feeling, pain, hurt, crushed.
And today, ifÖ

Today like in your position, if someone called
me like a whore. I would say, ìYou know,

only this morning. I said yes to you so youíd
bring me coffee.

You know, I just, Iím a whore whore whore.
You know, Iím always bartering.î

If someone you really love says, ìYou whoreî
doesnít it hurt?

Well you know, I would just sit down with
that person and say, ìtell me everything.

Where is it that youÖWhy do you see me that
way?î

And he could come up with some examples that
I absolutely agree with.

Yeah, and then?
And then, maybe I would cry and think, ìHe

know me so well, I feel so connected to him.î
And then?

And then he stays with me or he doesnít.
But if he always blames youÖ

Well I would question: He always blames you.
And if I called you a whore out of a state

of anger or hurt, I would not like myself.
So I may come back with something even stronger.

Thatís what guilt is like. Itís what pain
is like. Itís what fear is like. Itís what

lack of kindness is like.
When I donít like me, I donít like you.

And if Iím unkind to you, thatís what Iím
left with.

I appear to be mean and Iím only frightened.
Thatís all thatís going on.

Love is all thatís ever going on.
So, would you like to do a worksheet?

Okay, bring it up here. Weíll seeÖWhat did
you write?

I am upset with Bal·zs because he doesnít
want to forget the past and brings it up.

Do you want to step into this parlor?
Yes please.

Letís do The Work.
So, he doesnít want to forget the past. Is

that true?
Itís a yes or a no to those first two questions.

Yeah. Yes.
He doesnít want to forget the past.

Can you absolutely know that itís true that
he doesnít want to forget the past?

Yes.
So, how do you react, what happens, when you

think that thought?
I get nervous.

I become afraid of losing him; that heíll
just leave the relationship.

I get angry sometimes.
Anxious

I feel bad. I always remember why he doesnít
want toÖwhy heís calling me the whore; I

mean when he does. I always remember that
specific situation.

And then I hate myself for that.
Now, imagine that situation where youíre

with him and youíre thinking the thought:
He doesnít want to forget the past.

Now look at him. Look at him. No matter how
angry he isÖDo you see him?

Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít
want to forget the past?

Look at him.
Tell me what you see on his face.

And look at his physical body. Look at him.
Look into his eyes. What do you see?

Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít
want to forget the past?

Fear, scared, anger.
You know that anger is fear?

The angrier a person is, the more frightened
they are.

He doesnít want to forgive the past. Turn
it around. IÖ

I donít want to forget the past.
I donít want to forget the past.

You know that very thing, that situation you
were talking about?

You donít want to forgive it or forget it.
Youíre expecting him to do what you havenít

done yet.
But he reminds me of it.

Well, get out of the past.
Look at him the way he really is in that moment.

Heís frightened.
If have the thought: I want you to forgive

the past.
I need to start with myself. How can I expect

him to do it? For all I know itís impossible.
So, I need to put a little work into that.

So, why donít you forgive the past?
Because, if I forget the past, then he might

think that was easy.
Like well,

Well heís already telling you that anyway.
I tried two years with him to forget the past,

or to make him understand that he is the one
I love.

But if I forgot the past, then he would likeÖîOh
that was easy for you.î

And you could tell him the truth. You know,
ìIt took me two years.î

You know, there is the truth.
Feel what it feels like when you are remembering

the past; thinking of yourself as a whore.
Feel what that feels like?

Yeah
Okay, now feel like, what it feels like when

youíre not.
Yeah

Okay, so that was always you.
You not forgetting the past was the pain you

felt, not him remembering the past.
Someone can remember your past all they want.

Itís not until you remember it and havenít
forgiven it, that it hurts.

Understand? Like, someone could believe the
past all they want. It doesnít hurt me.

Itís when I havenít forgiven the past and
they bring it up that I hurt me.

Yeah
So that gives you something to work on.

Forgetting forgiving your past.
I always thought it was like a weapon he used

against me.
Turn it around. It was a weapon that IÖ

It was a weapon I used against me to hold
myself down.

And what a perfect partner to do that.
Wow

I didnít want to forget the past.
Because that way I put myself down and he

would love me.
Oh, whoring again.

I put myself down. I played smaller.
To keep his affection.

Weird isnít it?
So he had the power. I gave him that power.

Yes
And I would always say, ìYou donít want

to forget the past. You punish me.î
And he wouldnít.

Yeah, youíre a tough one. Itís hard to enlighten
you.

Thatís what every relationship is about you
know.

Once we have The Work with it, combined with
that relationship, those relationships itís

very clear that theyíre there to wake us
up.

We judge them on paper and we set ourselves
free and then the past changes.

We do The Work and then The Work does us.
He doesnít want to forget the past. Can you

find another turnaround, another opposite?
He doesÖ

He does want to forget the past.
Otherwise he would not want to be with me

for two years.
We were actually going to get married, but

seven weeks before he said he could not forget
the past and cancelled the wedding.

Wow, lucky you and kind him.
Itís like oh my heart is broken. Heís not

going to marry me and I wonít be able to
live with someone who will not forget the

past.
The next time you see him, you can say, ìYou

know what I loved most about you?
The way you saw my past, it really helped

me.î
It actually helped me

Itís like, hereís before the work: He doesnít
want to forget the past.

After the work five minutes later: He doesnít
want to give the past!

Iím so lucky. Perfect relationship
Itís possible that he hated hurting you to

the point where he just wouldnít marry you
and continue to hurt you that way.

He actually said that.
Two weeks before he cancelled the wedding,

but I didnít want to leave him.
No, you prefer remembering the past.

And heís not going to play anymore.
Heís not going to help you anymore.

Okay precious, letís look at the next one.
I want Bal·zs to be happy with me, worship

me, be happy because weíre together, and
forget the past.

Oh my goodness, so letís just turn that around.
I want meÖ

I want me to be happy with me, worship me,
be happy becauseÖIím together?

Or we are together?
I am together with myself.

I amÖBe happy because I am together with
myself.

Yeah, even if you marry someone youíre still
just with yourself.

Yeah
And I wantÖ

And I want to forget the past.
That makes you really good company.

Really.
So thereís another turnaround: I want me

to be happy with him.
I want me to be happy with him. I want me

to worship him. I want me to be happy because
weíre together.

Because Iím together with him.
Because I am together with him.

And grateful for what heís shown you, and
grateful that he did not forget the past,

and grateful that he cancelled that wedding
so you can be somewhat out of pain.

Yeah
What does that mean?

It means you couldnít forget your past, and
because he cancelled the wedding there were

not two of you not forgetting the past every
day together.

Like, 24/7
He just left you to do it.

So, if I forget the past, do I have a future
with him?

You know, I have no idea, but Iíve had three
husbands in my life and I adore them.

I had a husband thatÖItís an old story I
love. Itís an example. Heís this very large

man with this great big stomach and he was
really like volatile.

And when The Work found me I became quiet
and I would maybe just be sitting there as

still as you have been as youíre contemplating
and he would walk into the room and it would

frighten him because I was no longer so animated
and crazed.

And he might say likeÖIíll say blankity
blank but he loved curse words and he really

knew some good ones.
And when heís frightened heíd use them.

Thatís the only time people use like seriouslyÖI
donít know if thatís true.

But anyway, when he was upset thatís what
he did and he would go like, ìBlankity blank

Kate what the hell do you think youíre doing!?!î
I just think, oh my, this is the smartest

man Iíve everÖWhat an amazing question.
What do I think Iím doing?

Or heís say, ìBlankity blank Kate where
the hell do you think youíre going!?!î

And I justÖAgain itís like this man was
my teacher.

Iím still trying to answer that question.
Our story about a personís intonation or

our story about like you know they go, ìblah
blah blahî and theyíre angry.

What youíre believing about that Blah blah
blah, thatís whatís hurting you.

Can you just listen to the words?
Thereís no time that youíre not with your

teacher.
Heíd say things like, ìWho the hell do you

think you are?î
ìWho the hell do you think you are Kate!?!î

Okay honey just slow down. Thatís a good
one.

There is no harm in the world.
And that a small statement.

But I love that people would hear things like
that and do The Work until they can prove

that itís true beyond any tiny little flaw.
And then that way we know our true nature

andÖThatís certainly visible as I sit with
you and watch drop into your beautiful self.

Letís look at the next one. Letís keep traveling.
The third one?

Yes.
He shouldnít criticize me.

Is that true?
Youíre asking him again to do what you canít

do.
So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?

I mean, do you appreciate free speech?
Free speech?

Yeah, of course.
Okay, well not in him.

Itís like, sweetheart I love you, but donít
think this, donít think this, donít think

this, donít think this.
Nope, not that either.

Yeah, thatís true.
Hard to live with.

Yeah.
Donít think it, donít say it, donítÖYou

hurt me.
Youíre so good Katie.

You know we come from the same school.
Iím so grateful.

Thank you honey.
So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?

No.
You know, people who criticize you will give

you your best work.
So you know, if youíre really interested

in freedom and enlightenment, go out in the
world and just...Or you donít even have to

go out into the world just, wherever you go,
hopefully theyíll criticize. Can you imagine

living in the world going anywhere everywhere
anywhere you want to go hoping someone will

criticize you?
I mean, that is freedom.

Another way of saying that is: going out into
the world and let them enlighten you.

Once you have inquiry thatís whatís going
on.

Thatís what everything, thatís what every
breath is for, your enlightenment.

So sweetheart: He shouldnít criticize you.
How do you react, what happens, when you believe

that thought?
I get out of control. I yell.

He hates that.
Yeah

And then weíre shocked that they criticize
us when we know they hate that.

Close your eyes and look at you when you think
the thought: He shouldnít criticize you,

and youíre yelling.
Do you see that image?

Now look at him. This is: Who would you be
without the thought?

Just witness.
Can you find compassion for him and you?

See the pain in that one and him?
See how frightened they both are?

He shouldnít criticize me turned around:
He should criticize me.

You see it?
Iím yelling. Iím screaming.

He actually tries to talk with me, but I yell
because I get hurt. I donít want to listen.

He tries to tell me something and I donít
want to listen or I get hurt or I think I

get hurt and then I yell and then it becomes
even worse because then he is out of control

and then I think he doesnít want to forget
the past.

That I actually make him tell me Iím a whore.
Really.

I provoke it.
I make him go the same pattern and then I

make him the guilty one.
He has many times tried to talk with me, but

he would always say, ìOh you donít want
to listen and I donít want to marry a women

who I cannot talk to whoís yelling at me.
I donít feel like a man.î

I couldnít understand that.
Yeah

I actually cancelled the wedding.
I mean he just said, seven weeks before, he

needed some time. Before the wedding, I was
in Denmark, he was in Turkey and I went to

Denmark to give the invitations to people
and I heard there was something. I could hear

he was not okay.
And then in phone he just said to me, ìIím

scared.
Because we yell, we always discuss and we

are always yelling. I mean itís always like
thisî and then he said, ìI need some time.

I need some time to see if I can live without
you.î

And instead of trying to understand him, I
was like, ìOkay you need some timeî and

I reacted and I got even more angry. I yelled
even more in phone, and then he said, ìThatís

why Iím scared to marry you because I want
a peaceful life. I want to marry onceî and

I was like being a child.
I was like being, like me me me.

And really I was like, I did all this for
you. Blah blah blah.î

You know sweetheart, that isÖYouíre describing
the unenlightened mind.

Yeah
And when inquiry comes into our life the id

begins to mature the way yours is. We all
it mature human beings but just the mind expanding

into itsÖIíll say its true nature which
looks like maturity and itís always kind

and sitting with you is just watching this
heart open and open and open and realize and

open.
Itís like you are in the presence of mature

mind, enlightened mind and you can have it
any time. Just notice its always been there,

itís just now you can see because what you
were believing is just out of the way enough

so imagine what you mind is capable of.
SO, he shouldnít criticize me, turned around:

He shouldÖ
He should criticize me cause it grows you.

Because it grows me.
Okay precious letís look at the next one

He should listen to me
He did it frightened him

He actually listened, you know what he said?
In five years I have been listening to you

He actually listens to me
Iím the one

I was not listening
You know what I love about inquiry is you

donítÖyou know, if the person is dead or
remarried or you never see them again itís

never too late to fall in love.
And itís very different. Itís not a physical

thing.
And the next one?

He should talk nicely
Is that true?

I think youíve covered that. Turned around?
I should talk nicely

Yeah
The next?

Mhmm
He should respect me.

Really?
Itís hard to respect us when weíre going

off on them
So turned around?

I should respect him.
I should respect me.

Yeah
You were doing the best you could.

You were believing your thoughts. You couldnít
forget the past. You didnít know how.

Yeah.
You should respect that

And when those emotions happen again respect
them.

Notice what youíre thinking and believing
and fill in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

Thank you.
Youíre welcome.

You know itís like weíre like collapsing
millions of years here.

And that leaves us in the moment.
And thatís a lovely life.

Itís a life where thereís no suffering.
Youíre always safe. Youíre never old. Youíre

never sick.
And you understand.

Letís look at the next one.
He shouldnít doubt on me.

Turned around
I shouldnít doubt on myself.

Yeah
When you think youíre a terrible human being

get real.
You know, just put it on paper. Get real.

And the next one.
He should relax and focus on building a future

with me.
Turned around, I shouldÖ

I should relax and focus on building a future
with myself.

Yes, thatís exciting.
Itís wonderful to love the one youíre with.

It is.
Yeah

So look at number four.
I need Bal·zs to take responsibility and

not blame me.
Is it true?

I mean I should responsibility and not blame
him or anyone.

Him or you
I should take responsibility of my life.

I donít need him to.
I donít need him to.

Okay
Yeah, that feels much free-er

I donít need him to take responsibility and
just let him likeÖ

Thatís very kind of you to allow him to do
what heís going to do anyway.

I love when you give permission and itís
honest that everyone is free to do that.

Yeah
And you understand that we are just the way

you used to be.
Itís so funny, I have always thought I was

a very good partner. Like, freeing him...no
no no no.

Like, I was giving him freedom and Iíve actually
been limiting him.

And if I was not happy with how he was, I
would get upset.

Thatís being a whore because I wanted something
out of him and if I didnít get it I wouldnít

trade my love.
Yea, I was actually doing that.

I would punish him.
He didnít give me what I wanted.

Yea, no physical touch, no sex, you know,
just withhold.

Yeah, just because I had m rules and my way
ofÖyeah, seeing the world and he should be

that way.
Now, when we finish this worksheet go thorough

it and make a list of the things youíve discovered
and you admit your wrongs and then you make

it right where you can.
And you apologize for those because we really

leave marks on people. Weíve been teaching
the opposite of our nature.

Yeah
And itís right when we clean all of that

up, then itís complete.
Okay honey, the next

I need him not to play the victim.
You know, all the victims in my life had a

right to play victimÖ
When I look at my part.

So letís turn it around.
I need me not to lay the victim

Yeah
Öand I need him to.

I need him to play the victim.
Yes

Because if you reflect back, any area that
you might be the cause of another human beingís

suffering.
Cool.

It really is.
Cool.

Thereís some definite tools here.
I need him to play the victim.

Yeah
And it could be that as you listen to him

making that judgment, you hear that heís
not playing a victim. Heís simply telling

you truths again that you could not hear earlier.
Okay

I need him to be strong, happy, confident,
grateful for our relationship

Yeah, thatís a difficult list for a partner
to take on.

So, letís turn it around. I need meÖ
I need me to be strong, happy, and confident,

and be grateful for the relationship with
myself and others.

Yes, that way they can be what they be and
youíre always in a good relationship.

Thatís true.
Okay

And number five.
Bal·zs is ungrateful, always doubting, weak,

codependent on his parents, irresponsible,
cold, immature.

And I really want to marry him.
This is me.

Yeah
I am ungrateful, always doubtingÖ.

And in that relationship
In that relationship

When he calls me a whore or when he soesnít
give me what I want, I amÖ

I am ungrateful, always doubting, I a weak,
codependant on my parents?

I would look at on his parents.
Like what?

I donít know.
There are some advantages, itís like if youíre

going to marry someone, if they fall short
maybe his parents will kick in.

Itís like, you can go to them and say heís
not blah blah blah.

I did that.
Yeah

Okay
I am irresponsible, I am cold, and I am immature.

Yes, in that relationship in that situation.
Yeah

Okay honey
Now, I want you to pay attention to this also.

Read the list again. I amÖ
I am ungrateful.

And what is the opposite?
I am grateful.

And then you sit with this later and youÖall
the times that you were grateful to him will

come to you.
And you know it, until I am just head over

heels in love with my perceived enemy at the
other end of this worksheet, my work is just

not done.
SO that way you fall in love with everything,

everyone.
And you donít have to marry them you donít

even have to, I mean itís justÖYouíre free
and youíre full of what is natural, happiness.

So, the next word?
I am sure, Iím not doubting Iím sure about

myself
Yeah, and you find he ways you were sure.

There were a lot of things you were sure of.
Okay the next.

I am strong.
Yes there were many areas where you were strong.

Now, some of those served you, some of them
didnít, but theyíll show you your strength

in the negative and your strength in the positive
and what will serve you because you know yourself

when youíre in that I know mind, that unquestioned
mind, and you believe youíre right, it does

a lot of damage.
In other words it takes you further and further

away from what is valuable.
Yeah

Further and further away from yourself and
him as a result.

Yeah
Okay so you do that list in the opposite and

really take it in.
And then you find where he was strong.

Yeah
And where he was, you do that wholeness with

him too, the opposites.
That way you get a balance and you get to

knowÖYou know how you want to know everything
about the person you love?

Well, this worksheet is how we do it.
It just take in, you know, all the negatives,

all the positives, and they all become a positive.
The last one, number six.

I donít ever want him to doubt on my love
to him.

Iím willingÖ
Iím willing to let him doubt of my love to

him.
I look forward toÖ

I look forward to let him doubt on my love
to him

Yeah, thatí exciting.
And I would just put the whole world there.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah
Because you know, we have a right not to love

you if we donít.
And you have a right to love us anyway.

And you have a way to do that
Yeah

And then it was: I donít ever want him always
testing my love to him.

So, Iím willing
I look forward to have life test the love

to life.
I look forward to life testing my love of

life and everything in it and about it and
every situation and every thought.

Yeah
The only thing we donít love is the thought

or concept or assumption that weíve attached
to and then what that produces is secondary.

So weíre taking care of this and then this
shifts. This becomes lovely.

You know, itís very user friendly.
Thank you

Thank you so much
Youíre very welcome

Really Iím so grateful thank you
You are very welcome thank you for silence.