0:00:01.120,0:00:06.830
My, something about my controlling and harsh[br]critical husband I feel stuck on working with

0:00:06.830,0:00:13.830
the turnarounds.[br]Iím still confused. So,

0:00:16.270,0:00:23.270
Anyone have a harsh critical husband or wife?[br]Okay, and what do they, what does he say that

0:00:24.410,0:00:29.670
is so painful?[br]ìI canít talk to you anymore.î

0:00:29.670,0:00:32.680
Do you love silence? Do you love peace?[br]Absolutely

0:00:32.680,0:00:39.680
Well heís the perfect husband for you.[br]Thank you

0:00:41.010,0:00:46.659
Anyone else?[br]When he gets really upset heíll say like,

0:00:46.659,0:00:49.449
ìYouíre not a decent woman.î[br]Youíre notÖ

0:00:49.449,0:00:54.170
A decent woman[br]Okay, so thatís simple. When youíre at home

0:00:54.170,0:01:01.170
alone and you have the blinds shut because[br]you donít want anyone to see you, what is

0:01:04.530,0:01:11.530
that about?[br]You know, when you go to that bathroom in

0:01:15.440,0:01:21.730
a public place, why do you shut the door?[br]And Iím just showing you how my mind plays

0:01:21.730,0:01:25.600
with things because I hit this one years ago[br]right away.

0:01:25.600,0:01:32.600
Stephen had to teach me to shut the bathroom[br]door because whenÖwhy do I tell these things?

0:01:37.310,0:01:44.310
He came in one time, years ago, and I was[br]doing the school in the wonderful desert and

0:01:45.810,0:01:52.810
I had several staff, they were woman, but[br]that wouldnít have affected me I guess, but

0:01:58.820,0:02:05.820
I was working with all these staff for the[br]next session and he came in and I was in the

0:02:06.390,0:02:12.879
bathroom doing my thing and they were all[br]there just, we were just taking care ofÖ

0:02:12.879,0:02:18.390
We were having a staff meeting basically while[br]I went to the bathroom.

0:02:18.390,0:02:25.390
He was horrified.[br]And as love would have it, I support Stephen.

0:02:26.079,0:02:33.079
So, decent also is a matter of definition.[br]Yeah

0:02:34.969,0:02:37.709
Oh good[br]What honey?

0:02:37.709,0:02:41.909
What did she say? I mean, Iím not following[br]this one.

0:02:41.909,0:02:44.930
So you be the husband.[br]Okay

0:02:44.930,0:02:50.879
Yuck, youíre not decent.[br]Oh honey, tell me more. Where specifically?

0:02:50.879,0:02:55.109
What specifically?[br]You donít close the bathroom door when you

0:02:55.109,0:02:57.280
pee.[br]Thatís true.

0:02:57.280,0:03:03.909
And you also need to cloth yourself better.[br]I can see your cleavage and your butt crack.

0:03:03.909,0:03:10.909
Oh wow. I can see thatísÖYeah, thatís so.[br]Really? Like, thatís it?

0:03:15.129,0:03:21.129
Well if itís true, heís right.[br]I mean if my butt crack is showing and my

0:03:21.129,0:03:28.129
cleavage showingÖ Heís a keen observer.[br]I mean, okay, see if you can hear this:

0:03:31.249,0:03:35.459
Love is never boxed in.[br]It never excludes.

0:03:35.459,0:03:40.599
Itís your heart.[br]I have a big thing about manners and decency

0:03:40.599,0:03:46.489
and all my stories about that with my daughter[br]and my former step-daughters and stuff. So,

0:03:46.489,0:03:48.340
Iím constantly saying mind your manners and[br]shit.

0:03:48.340,0:03:53.319
You know, as egos would have it, we just marry[br]within those little culture bubbles. So weíre

0:03:53.319,0:03:59.169
all safe.[br]Thatís not right or wrong. Itís just unnecessary.

0:03:59.169,0:04:04.290
Love crashes all the boundaries.[br]So, I might say, if you donít have the table

0:04:04.290,0:04:10.549
manners then you were indecent.[br]Yeah, and I think, well you know sweetheart,

0:04:10.549,0:04:17.548
that must be very painful for you.[br]And Iím very open to buying pants with different

0:04:19.389,0:04:26.389
waistline, higher things and Iím very open[br]to better table manners and I think it would

0:04:29.500,0:04:35.840
be a lot of fun to take on that apparent identity.[br]Wow

0:04:35.840,0:04:39.199
And see if it helps you at all.[br]Can I say something?

0:04:39.199,0:04:45.440
Itís actually deeper than that when he gets[br]really upset heíll say like, ìwhoreî and

0:04:45.440,0:04:49.830
thatís likeÖ[br]Okay so say to me; heís really upset.

0:04:49.830,0:04:54.370
He would just, he would just say like, ìYouíre[br]just a whore.î

0:04:54.370,0:04:57.340
Oh, yea.[br]And that hurts.

0:04:57.340,0:05:03.159
Yeah, but you know, if you know yourself itís[br]not going to hurt honey.

0:05:03.159,0:05:10.159
But, still if you have like a specific happening[br]in the past, and you know he refers to that,

0:05:11.470,0:05:17.379
then it hurts.[br]Yes, so a good old Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

0:05:17.379,0:05:18.780
or five or six.[br]But I tried.

0:05:18.780,0:05:25.780
Well, you know, do you have a worksheet now?[br]Yeah, Iím not with him anymore, but physically,

0:05:27.150,0:05:33.940
heís there.[br]You know, this started out as light, and I

0:05:33.940,0:05:38.750
hear where you are. Itís really painful.[br]It really hurts, but I can tell you in my

0:05:38.750,0:05:45.750
experience, I look just like you, I felt what[br]youíre feeling, what I imagine that youíre

0:05:47.300,0:05:54.300
feeling, pain, hurt, crushed.[br]And today, ifÖ

0:05:57.349,0:06:03.210
Today like in your position, if someone called[br]me like a whore. I would say, ìYou know,

0:06:03.210,0:06:08.689
only this morning. I said yes to you so youíd[br]bring me coffee.

0:06:08.689,0:06:15.689
You know, I just, Iím a whore whore whore.[br]You know, Iím always bartering.î

0:06:21.939,0:06:28.939
If someone you really love says, ìYou whoreî[br]doesnít it hurt?

0:06:29.030,0:06:34.490
Well you know, I would just sit down with[br]that person and say, ìtell me everything.

0:06:34.490,0:06:39.129
Where is it that youÖWhy do you see me that[br]way?î

0:06:39.129,0:06:45.280
And he could come up with some examples that[br]I absolutely agree with.

0:06:45.280,0:06:52.120
Yeah, and then?[br]And then, maybe I would cry and think, ìHe

0:06:52.120,0:06:55.800
know me so well, I feel so connected to him.î[br]And then?

0:06:55.800,0:07:00.240
And then he stays with me or he doesnít.[br]But if he always blames youÖ

0:07:00.240,0:07:07.240
Well I would question: He always blames you.[br]And if I called you a whore out of a state

0:07:07.430,0:07:14.120
of anger or hurt, I would not like myself.[br]So I may come back with something even stronger.

0:07:14.120,0:07:18.400
Thatís what guilt is like. Itís what pain[br]is like. Itís what fear is like. Itís what

0:07:18.400,0:07:24.379
lack of kindness is like.[br]When I donít like me, I donít like you.

0:07:24.379,0:07:29.930
And if Iím unkind to you, thatís what Iím[br]left with.

0:07:29.930,0:07:36.930
I appear to be mean and Iím only frightened.[br]Thatís all thatís going on.

0:07:39.030,0:07:46.030
Love is all thatís ever going on.[br]So, would you like to do a worksheet?

0:07:48.469,0:07:51.300
Okay, bring it up here. Weíll seeÖWhat did[br]you write?

0:07:51.300,0:07:58.300
I am upset with Bal·zs because he doesnít[br]want to forget the past and brings it up.

0:08:01.090,0:08:05.169
Do you want to step into this parlor?[br]Yes please.

0:08:05.169,0:08:10.409
Letís do The Work.[br]So, he doesnít want to forget the past. Is

0:08:10.409,0:08:16.349
that true?[br]Itís a yes or a no to those first two questions.

0:08:16.349,0:08:22.120
Yeah. Yes.[br]He doesnít want to forget the past.

0:08:22.120,0:08:28.270
Can you absolutely know that itís true that[br]he doesnít want to forget the past?

0:08:28.270,0:08:35.270
Yes.[br]So, how do you react, what happens, when you

0:08:37.440,0:08:44.159
think that thought?[br]I get nervous.

0:08:44.159,0:08:51.159
I become afraid of losing him; that heíll[br]just leave the relationship.

0:08:56.110,0:09:03.110
I get angry sometimes.[br]Anxious

0:09:13.589,0:09:20.589
I feel bad. I always remember why he doesnít[br]want toÖwhy heís calling me the whore; I

0:09:22.220,0:09:28.639
mean when he does. I always remember that[br]specific situation.

0:09:28.639,0:09:35.639
And then I hate myself for that.[br]Now, imagine that situation where youíre

0:09:41.040,0:09:46.690
with him and youíre thinking the thought:[br]He doesnít want to forget the past.

0:09:46.690,0:09:53.440
Now look at him. Look at him. No matter how[br]angry he isÖDo you see him?

0:09:53.440,0:09:57.269
Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít[br]want to forget the past?

0:09:57.269,0:10:03.570
Look at him.[br]Tell me what you see on his face.

0:10:03.570,0:10:10.570
And look at his physical body. Look at him.[br]Look into his eyes. What do you see?

0:10:14.290,0:10:21.290
Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít[br]want to forget the past?

0:10:21.860,0:10:28.860
Fear, scared, anger.[br]You know that anger is fear?

0:10:32.250,0:10:37.790
The angrier a person is, the more frightened[br]they are.

0:10:37.790,0:10:44.790
He doesnít want to forgive the past. Turn[br]it around. IÖ

0:10:44.949,0:10:51.949
I donít want to forget the past.[br]I donít want to forget the past.

0:10:53.190,0:10:59.800
You know that very thing, that situation you[br]were talking about?

0:10:59.800,0:11:06.459
You donít want to forgive it or forget it.[br]Youíre expecting him to do what you havenít

0:11:06.459,0:11:11.459
done yet.[br]But he reminds me of it.

0:11:11.459,0:11:18.459
Well, get out of the past.[br]Look at him the way he really is in that moment.

0:11:19.310,0:11:25.829
Heís frightened.[br]If have the thought: I want you to forgive

0:11:25.829,0:11:30.260
the past.[br]I need to start with myself. How can I expect

0:11:30.260,0:11:36.350
him to do it? For all I know itís impossible.[br]So, I need to put a little work into that.

0:11:36.350,0:11:43.350
So, why donít you forgive the past?[br]Because, if I forget the past, then he might

0:11:52.420,0:11:56.670
think that was easy.[br]Like well,

0:11:56.670,0:12:03.670
Well heís already telling you that anyway.[br]I tried two years with him to forget the past,

0:12:04.850,0:12:10.100
or to make him understand that he is the one[br]I love.

0:12:10.100,0:12:14.180
But if I forgot the past, then he would likeÖîOh[br]that was easy for you.î

0:12:14.180,0:12:19.110
And you could tell him the truth. You know,[br]ìIt took me two years.î

0:12:19.110,0:12:26.110
You know, there is the truth.[br]Feel what it feels like when you are remembering

0:12:27.259,0:12:32.959
the past; thinking of yourself as a whore.[br]Feel what that feels like?

0:12:32.959,0:12:37.209
Yeah[br]Okay, now feel like, what it feels like when

0:12:37.209,0:12:38.860
youíre not.[br]Yeah

0:12:38.860,0:12:45.860
Okay, so that was always you.[br]You not forgetting the past was the pain you

0:12:48.100,0:12:55.100
felt, not him remembering the past.[br]Someone can remember your past all they want.

0:12:55.750,0:13:02.750
Itís not until you remember it and havenít[br]forgiven it, that it hurts.

0:13:08.009,0:13:15.009
Understand? Like, someone could believe the[br]past all they want. It doesnít hurt me.

0:13:15.500,0:13:22.500
Itís when I havenít forgiven the past and[br]they bring it up that I hurt me.

0:13:24.889,0:13:31.170
Yeah[br]So that gives you something to work on.

0:13:31.170,0:13:37.579
Forgetting forgiving your past.[br]I always thought it was like a weapon he used

0:13:37.579,0:13:40.970
against me.[br]Turn it around. It was a weapon that IÖ

0:13:40.970,0:13:47.550
It was a weapon I used against me to hold[br]myself down.

0:13:47.550,0:13:54.550
And what a perfect partner to do that.[br]Wow

0:14:38.100,0:14:45.100
I didnít want to forget the past.[br]Because that way I put myself down and he

0:15:18.709,0:15:25.709
would love me.[br]Oh, whoring again.

0:15:29.779,0:15:36.779
I put myself down. I played smaller.[br]To keep his affection.

0:15:42.139,0:15:49.139
Weird isnít it?[br]So he had the power. I gave him that power.

0:15:57.430,0:16:04.430
Yes[br]And I would always say, ìYou donít want

0:16:08.490,0:16:15.490
to forget the past. You punish me.î[br]And he wouldnít.

0:16:16.050,0:16:23.050
Yeah, youíre a tough one. Itís hard to enlighten[br]you.

0:16:23.940,0:16:28.029
Thatís what every relationship is about you[br]know.

0:16:28.029,0:16:33.529
Once we have The Work with it, combined with[br]that relationship, those relationships itís

0:16:33.529,0:16:37.839
very clear that theyíre there to wake us[br]up.

0:16:37.839,0:16:44.839
We judge them on paper and we set ourselves[br]free and then the past changes.

0:16:45.000,0:16:52.000
We do The Work and then The Work does us.[br]He doesnít want to forget the past. Can you

0:16:54.160,0:16:59.170
find another turnaround, another opposite?[br]He doesÖ

0:16:59.170,0:17:06.170
He does want to forget the past.[br]Otherwise he would not want to be with me

0:17:06.980,0:17:13.980
for two years.[br]We were actually going to get married, but

0:17:17.079,0:17:22.709
seven weeks before he said he could not forget[br]the past and cancelled the wedding.

0:17:22.709,0:17:29.709
Wow, lucky you and kind him.[br]Itís like oh my heart is broken. Heís not

0:17:38.440,0:17:43.539
going to marry me and I wonít be able to[br]live with someone who will not forget the

0:17:43.539,0:17:50.539
past.[br]The next time you see him, you can say, ìYou

0:17:56.270,0:18:03.270
know what I loved most about you?[br]The way you saw my past, it really helped

0:18:05.559,0:18:12.559
me.î[br]It actually helped me

0:18:18.190,0:18:25.190
Itís like, hereís before the work: He doesnít[br]want to forget the past.

0:18:26.539,0:18:33.539
After the work five minutes later: He doesnít[br]want to give the past!

0:18:34.320,0:18:41.320
Iím so lucky. Perfect relationship[br]Itís possible that he hated hurting you to

0:18:49.559,0:18:56.559
the point where he just wouldnít marry you[br]and continue to hurt you that way.

0:19:03.780,0:19:08.570
He actually said that.[br]Two weeks before he cancelled the wedding,

0:19:08.570,0:19:13.250
but I didnít want to leave him.[br]No, you prefer remembering the past.

0:19:13.250,0:19:20.250
And heís not going to play anymore.[br]Heís not going to help you anymore.

0:19:21.830,0:19:28.830
Okay precious, letís look at the next one.[br]I want Bal·zs to be happy with me, worship

0:19:31.750,0:19:37.610
me, be happy because weíre together, and[br]forget the past.

0:19:37.610,0:19:43.919
Oh my goodness, so letís just turn that around.[br]I want meÖ

0:19:43.919,0:19:50.919
I want me to be happy with me, worship me,[br]be happy becauseÖIím together?

0:20:05.690,0:20:08.980
Or we are together?[br]I am together with myself.

0:20:08.980,0:20:13.580
I amÖBe happy because I am together with[br]myself.

0:20:13.580,0:20:19.960
Yeah, even if you marry someone youíre still[br]just with yourself.

0:20:19.960,0:20:26.279
Yeah[br]And I wantÖ

0:20:26.279,0:20:33.279
And I want to forget the past.[br]That makes you really good company.

0:20:34.799,0:20:41.799
Really.[br]So thereís another turnaround: I want me

0:20:44.659,0:20:51.659
to be happy with him.[br]I want me to be happy with him. I want me

0:20:52.559,0:20:59.559
to worship him. I want me to be happy because[br]weíre together.

0:20:59.659,0:21:04.760
Because Iím together with him.[br]Because I am together with him.

0:21:04.760,0:21:11.090
And grateful for what heís shown you, and[br]grateful that he did not forget the past,

0:21:11.090,0:21:18.090
and grateful that he cancelled that wedding[br]so you can be somewhat out of pain.

0:21:20.779,0:21:27.490
Yeah[br]What does that mean?

0:21:27.490,0:21:32.260
It means you couldnít forget your past, and[br]because he cancelled the wedding there were

0:21:32.260,0:21:37.490
not two of you not forgetting the past every[br]day together.

0:21:37.490,0:21:44.490
Like, 24/7[br]He just left you to do it.

0:21:44.990,0:21:51.990
So, if I forget the past, do I have a future[br]with him?

0:21:53.490,0:22:00.490
You know, I have no idea, but Iíve had three[br]husbands in my life and I adore them.

0:22:03.600,0:22:10.600
I had a husband thatÖItís an old story I[br]love. Itís an example. Heís this very large

0:22:13.250,0:22:19.940
man with this great big stomach and he was[br]really like volatile.

0:22:19.940,0:22:26.940
And when The Work found me I became quiet[br]and I would maybe just be sitting there as

0:22:27.520,0:22:32.210
still as you have been as youíre contemplating[br]and he would walk into the room and it would

0:22:32.210,0:22:39.210
frighten him because I was no longer so animated[br]and crazed.

0:22:40.169,0:22:47.169
And he might say likeÖIíll say blankity[br]blank but he loved curse words and he really

0:22:51.159,0:22:56.029
knew some good ones.[br]And when heís frightened heíd use them.

0:22:56.029,0:23:02.760
Thatís the only time people use like seriouslyÖI[br]donít know if thatís true.

0:23:02.760,0:23:09.760
But anyway, when he was upset thatís what[br]he did and he would go like, ìBlankity blank

0:23:11.789,0:23:18.789
Kate what the hell do you think youíre doing!?!î[br]I just think, oh my, this is the smartest

0:23:19.070,0:23:26.070
man Iíve everÖWhat an amazing question.[br]What do I think Iím doing?

0:23:26.179,0:23:31.029
Or heís say, ìBlankity blank Kate where[br]the hell do you think youíre going!?!î

0:23:31.029,0:23:35.539
And I justÖAgain itís like this man was[br]my teacher.

0:23:35.539,0:23:42.539
Iím still trying to answer that question.[br]Our story about a personís intonation or

0:23:48.690,0:23:53.970
our story about like you know they go, ìblah[br]blah blahî and theyíre angry.

0:23:53.970,0:23:57.990
What youíre believing about that Blah blah[br]blah, thatís whatís hurting you.

0:23:57.990,0:24:04.399
Can you just listen to the words?[br]Thereís no time that youíre not with your

0:24:04.399,0:24:09.570
teacher.[br]Heíd say things like, ìWho the hell do you

0:24:09.570,0:24:16.570
think you are?î[br]ìWho the hell do you think you are Kate!?!î

0:24:20.470,0:24:27.470
Okay honey just slow down. Thatís a good[br]one.

0:24:39.700,0:24:46.700
There is no harm in the world.[br]And that a small statement.

0:24:47.039,0:24:54.039
But I love that people would hear things like[br]that and do The Work until they can prove

0:24:59.360,0:25:06.360
that itís true beyond any tiny little flaw.[br]And then that way we know our true nature

0:25:07.510,0:25:14.510
andÖThatís certainly visible as I sit with[br]you and watch drop into your beautiful self.

0:25:17.840,0:25:24.840
Letís look at the next one. Letís keep traveling.[br]The third one?

0:25:25.059,0:25:27.870
Yes.[br]He shouldnít criticize me.

0:25:27.870,0:25:34.870
Is that true?[br]Youíre asking him again to do what you canít

0:25:35.690,0:25:42.690
do.[br]So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?

0:25:45.149,0:25:48.750
I mean, do you appreciate free speech?[br]Free speech?

0:25:48.750,0:25:55.750
Yeah, of course.[br]Okay, well not in him.

0:25:56.760,0:26:02.210
Itís like, sweetheart I love you, but donít[br]think this, donít think this, donít think

0:26:02.210,0:26:04.730
this, donít think this.[br]Nope, not that either.

0:26:04.730,0:26:09.010
Yeah, thatís true.[br]Hard to live with.

0:26:09.010,0:26:14.110
Yeah.[br]Donít think it, donít say it, donítÖYou

0:26:14.110,0:26:20.340
hurt me.[br]Youíre so good Katie.

0:26:20.340,0:26:25.770
You know we come from the same school.[br]Iím so grateful.

0:26:25.770,0:26:32.770
Thank you honey.[br]So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?

0:26:36.330,0:26:41.730
No.[br]You know, people who criticize you will give

0:26:41.730,0:26:48.429
you your best work.[br]So you know, if youíre really interested

0:26:48.429,0:26:53.710
in freedom and enlightenment, go out in the[br]world and just...Or you donít even have to

0:26:53.710,0:27:00.429
go out into the world just, wherever you go,[br]hopefully theyíll criticize. Can you imagine

0:27:00.429,0:27:06.990
living in the world going anywhere everywhere[br]anywhere you want to go hoping someone will

0:27:06.990,0:27:12.669
criticize you?[br]I mean, that is freedom.

0:27:12.669,0:27:16.190
Another way of saying that is: going out into[br]the world and let them enlighten you.

0:27:16.190,0:27:19.850
Once you have inquiry thatís whatís going[br]on.

0:27:19.850,0:27:26.850
Thatís what everything, thatís what every[br]breath is for, your enlightenment.

0:27:28.039,0:27:35.039
So sweetheart: He shouldnít criticize you.[br]How do you react, what happens, when you believe

0:27:37.720,0:27:44.100
that thought?[br]I get out of control. I yell.

0:27:44.100,0:27:47.470
He hates that.[br]Yeah

0:27:47.470,0:27:54.470
And then weíre shocked that they criticize[br]us when we know they hate that.

0:27:57.630,0:28:01.360
Close your eyes and look at you when you think[br]the thought: He shouldnít criticize you,

0:28:01.360,0:28:01.700
and youíre yelling.[br]Do you see that image?

0:28:01.700,0:28:06.909
Now look at him. This is: Who would you be[br]without the thought?

0:28:06.909,0:28:12.880
Just witness.[br]Can you find compassion for him and you?

0:28:12.880,0:28:19.880
See the pain in that one and him?[br]See how frightened they both are?

0:28:25.309,0:28:31.899
He shouldnít criticize me turned around:[br]He should criticize me.

0:28:31.899,0:28:38.899
You see it?[br]Iím yelling. Iím screaming.

0:28:41.760,0:28:48.760
He actually tries to talk with me, but I yell[br]because I get hurt. I donít want to listen.

0:28:54.980,0:29:01.980
He tries to tell me something and I donít[br]want to listen or I get hurt or I think I

0:29:03.070,0:29:10.070
get hurt and then I yell and then it becomes[br]even worse because then he is out of control

0:29:10.929,0:29:17.929
and then I think he doesnít want to forget[br]the past.

0:29:18.750,0:29:25.750
That I actually make him tell me Iím a whore.[br]Really.

0:29:26.000,0:29:33.000
I provoke it.[br]I make him go the same pattern and then I

0:29:39.890,0:29:46.890
make him the guilty one.[br]He has many times tried to talk with me, but

0:29:55.940,0:30:02.289
he would always say, ìOh you donít want[br]to listen and I donít want to marry a women

0:30:02.289,0:30:07.899
who I cannot talk to whoís yelling at me.[br]I donít feel like a man.î

0:30:07.899,0:30:14.899
I couldnít understand that.[br]Yeah

0:30:35.029,0:30:42.029
I actually cancelled the wedding.[br]I mean he just said, seven weeks before, he

0:30:53.409,0:31:00.409
needed some time. Before the wedding, I was[br]in Denmark, he was in Turkey and I went to

0:31:01.480,0:31:07.159
Denmark to give the invitations to people[br]and I heard there was something. I could hear

0:31:07.159,0:31:12.929
he was not okay.[br]And then in phone he just said to me, ìIím

0:31:12.929,0:31:19.730
scared.[br]Because we yell, we always discuss and we

0:31:19.730,0:31:26.730
are always yelling. I mean itís always like[br]thisî and then he said, ìI need some time.

0:31:31.080,0:31:36.580
I need some time to see if I can live without[br]you.î

0:31:36.580,0:31:43.580
And instead of trying to understand him, I[br]was like, ìOkay you need some timeî and

0:31:46.549,0:31:53.549
I reacted and I got even more angry. I yelled[br]even more in phone, and then he said, ìThatís

0:32:01.269,0:32:08.269
why Iím scared to marry you because I want[br]a peaceful life. I want to marry onceî and

0:32:13.029,0:32:20.029
I was like being a child.[br]I was like being, like me me me.

0:32:20.110,0:32:26.210
And really I was like, I did all this for[br]you. Blah blah blah.î

0:32:26.210,0:32:32.460
You know sweetheart, that isÖYouíre describing[br]the unenlightened mind.

0:32:32.460,0:32:38.950
Yeah[br]And when inquiry comes into our life the id

0:32:38.950,0:32:45.080
begins to mature the way yours is. We all[br]it mature human beings but just the mind expanding

0:32:45.080,0:32:52.080
into itsÖIíll say its true nature which[br]looks like maturity and itís always kind

0:32:52.710,0:32:59.630
and sitting with you is just watching this[br]heart open and open and open and realize and

0:32:59.630,0:33:04.519
open.[br]Itís like you are in the presence of mature

0:33:04.519,0:33:11.519
mind, enlightened mind and you can have it[br]any time. Just notice its always been there,

0:33:13.019,0:33:18.549
itís just now you can see because what you[br]were believing is just out of the way enough

0:33:18.549,0:33:25.549
so imagine what you mind is capable of.[br]SO, he shouldnít criticize me, turned around:

0:33:30.090,0:33:35.139
He shouldÖ[br]He should criticize me cause it grows you.

0:33:35.139,0:33:42.139
Because it grows me.[br]Okay precious letís look at the next one

0:33:44.049,0:33:51.049
He should listen to me[br]He did it frightened him

0:33:54.320,0:34:00.980
He actually listened, you know what he said?[br]In five years I have been listening to you

0:34:00.980,0:34:07.980
He actually listens to me[br]Iím the one

0:34:08.429,0:34:15.429
I was not listening[br]You know what I love about inquiry is you

0:34:16.020,0:34:21.170
donítÖyou know, if the person is dead or[br]remarried or you never see them again itís

0:34:21.170,0:34:25.889
never too late to fall in love.[br]And itís very different. Itís not a physical

0:34:25.889,0:34:30.580
thing.[br]And the next one?

0:34:30.580,0:34:37.420
He should talk nicely[br]Is that true?

0:34:37.420,0:34:44.310
I think youíve covered that. Turned around?[br]I should talk nicely

0:34:44.310,0:34:47.520
Yeah[br]The next?

0:34:47.520,0:34:52.030
Mhmm[br]He should respect me.

0:34:52.030,0:34:58.310
Really?[br]Itís hard to respect us when weíre going

0:34:58.310,0:35:03.960
off on them[br]So turned around?

0:35:03.960,0:35:10.380
I should respect him.[br]I should respect me.

0:35:10.380,0:35:17.380
Yeah[br]You were doing the best you could.

0:35:17.580,0:35:21.260
You were believing your thoughts. You couldnít[br]forget the past. You didnít know how.

0:35:21.260,0:35:24.610
Yeah.[br]You should respect that

0:35:24.610,0:35:29.380
And when those emotions happen again respect[br]them.

0:35:29.380,0:35:33.910
Notice what youíre thinking and believing[br]and fill in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

0:35:33.910,0:35:36.250
Thank you.[br]Youíre welcome.

0:35:36.250,0:35:41.810
You know itís like weíre like collapsing[br]millions of years here.

0:35:41.810,0:35:48.620
And that leaves us in the moment.[br]And thatís a lovely life.

0:35:48.620,0:35:54.970
Itís a life where thereís no suffering.[br]Youíre always safe. Youíre never old. Youíre

0:35:54.970,0:35:57.000
never sick.[br]And you understand.

0:35:57.000,0:36:04.000
Letís look at the next one.[br]He shouldnít doubt on me.

0:36:05.000,0:36:10.210
Turned around[br]I shouldnít doubt on myself.

0:36:10.210,0:36:14.300
Yeah[br]When you think youíre a terrible human being

0:36:14.300,0:36:19.980
get real.[br]You know, just put it on paper. Get real.

0:36:19.980,0:36:26.180
And the next one.[br]He should relax and focus on building a future

0:36:26.180,0:36:28.660
with me.[br]Turned around, I shouldÖ

0:36:28.660,0:36:33.960
I should relax and focus on building a future[br]with myself.

0:36:33.960,0:36:40.960
Yes, thatís exciting.[br]Itís wonderful to love the one youíre with.

0:36:41.280,0:36:42.820
It is.[br]Yeah

0:36:42.820,0:36:49.820
So look at number four.[br]I need Bal·zs to take responsibility and

0:36:50.670,0:36:57.670
not blame me.[br]Is it true?

0:37:00.930,0:37:07.930
I mean I should responsibility and not blame[br]him or anyone.

0:37:10.150,0:37:17.150
Him or you[br]I should take responsibility of my life.

0:37:17.500,0:37:22.520
I donít need him to.[br]I donít need him to.

0:37:22.520,0:37:29.520
Okay[br]Yeah, that feels much free-er

0:37:29.820,0:37:35.010
I donít need him to take responsibility and[br]just let him likeÖ

0:37:35.010,0:37:42.010
Thatís very kind of you to allow him to do[br]what heís going to do anyway.

0:37:45.170,0:37:51.870
I love when you give permission and itís[br]honest that everyone is free to do that.

0:37:51.870,0:37:58.060
Yeah[br]And you understand that we are just the way

0:37:58.060,0:38:04.200
you used to be.[br]Itís so funny, I have always thought I was

0:38:04.200,0:38:11.200
a very good partner. Like, freeing him...no[br]no no no.

0:38:11.310,0:38:18.310
Like, I was giving him freedom and Iíve actually[br]been limiting him.

0:38:19.860,0:38:24.770
And if I was not happy with how he was, I[br]would get upset.

0:38:24.770,0:38:30.140
Thatís being a whore because I wanted something[br]out of him and if I didnít get it I wouldnít

0:38:30.140,0:38:37.140
trade my love.[br]Yea, I was actually doing that.

0:38:40.320,0:38:45.860
I would punish him.[br]He didnít give me what I wanted.

0:38:45.860,0:38:51.390
Yea, no physical touch, no sex, you know,[br]just withhold.

0:38:51.390,0:38:58.390
Yeah, just because I had m rules and my way[br]ofÖyeah, seeing the world and he should be

0:39:00.580,0:39:04.210
that way.[br]Now, when we finish this worksheet go thorough

0:39:04.210,0:39:11.210
it and make a list of the things youíve discovered[br]and you admit your wrongs and then you make

0:39:11.660,0:39:18.660
it right where you can.[br]And you apologize for those because we really

0:39:20.810,0:39:27.810
leave marks on people. Weíve been teaching[br]the opposite of our nature.

0:39:28.340,0:39:33.140
Yeah[br]And itís right when we clean all of that

0:39:33.140,0:39:40.140
up, then itís complete.[br]Okay honey, the next

0:39:40.190,0:39:47.190
I need him not to play the victim.[br]You know, all the victims in my life had a

0:39:50.290,0:39:56.920
right to play victimÖ[br]When I look at my part.

0:39:56.920,0:40:03.920
So letís turn it around.[br]I need me not to lay the victim

0:40:07.720,0:40:12.810
Yeah[br]Öand I need him to.

0:40:12.810,0:40:15.640
I need him to play the victim.[br]Yes

0:40:15.640,0:40:21.530
Because if you reflect back, any area that[br]you might be the cause of another human beingís

0:40:21.530,0:40:23.380
suffering.[br]Cool.

0:40:23.380,0:40:28.950
It really is.[br]Cool.

0:40:28.950,0:40:35.950
Thereís some definite tools here.[br]I need him to play the victim.

0:40:38.450,0:40:45.220
Yeah[br]And it could be that as you listen to him

0:40:45.220,0:40:51.450
making that judgment, you hear that heís[br]not playing a victim. Heís simply telling

0:40:51.450,0:40:58.450
you truths again that you could not hear earlier.[br]Okay

0:41:00.510,0:41:06.670
I need him to be strong, happy, confident,[br]grateful for our relationship

0:41:06.670,0:41:12.950
Yeah, thatís a difficult list for a partner[br]to take on.

0:41:12.950,0:41:19.950
So, letís turn it around. I need meÖ[br]I need me to be strong, happy, and confident,

0:41:19.950,0:41:25.010
and be grateful for the relationship with[br]myself and others.

0:41:25.010,0:41:31.330
Yes, that way they can be what they be and[br]youíre always in a good relationship.

0:41:31.330,0:41:33.620
Thatís true.[br]Okay

0:41:33.620,0:41:40.620
And number five.[br]Bal·zs is ungrateful, always doubting, weak,

0:41:41.430,0:41:48.430
codependent on his parents, irresponsible,[br]cold, immature.

0:41:50.180,0:41:57.180
And I really want to marry him.[br]This is me.

0:42:23.680,0:42:29.490
Yeah[br]I am ungrateful, always doubtingÖ.

0:42:29.490,0:42:32.270
And in that relationship[br]In that relationship

0:42:32.270,0:42:39.100
When he calls me a whore or when he soesnít[br]give me what I want, I amÖ

0:42:39.100,0:42:46.100
I am ungrateful, always doubting, I a weak,[br]codependant on my parents?

0:42:49.060,0:42:55.470
I would look at on his parents.[br]Like what?

0:42:55.470,0:43:02.470
I donít know.[br]There are some advantages, itís like if youíre

0:43:02.820,0:43:07.480
going to marry someone, if they fall short[br]maybe his parents will kick in.

0:43:07.480,0:43:14.480
Itís like, you can go to them and say heís[br]not blah blah blah.

0:43:15.780,0:43:22.780
I did that.[br]Yeah

0:43:27.370,0:43:34.370
Okay[br]I am irresponsible, I am cold, and I am immature.

0:43:37.200,0:43:44.200
Yes, in that relationship in that situation.[br]Yeah

0:43:45.080,0:43:51.300
Okay honey[br]Now, I want you to pay attention to this also.

0:43:51.300,0:43:57.120
Read the list again. I amÖ[br]I am ungrateful.

0:43:57.120,0:44:00.280
And what is the opposite?[br]I am grateful.

0:44:00.280,0:44:07.280
And then you sit with this later and youÖall[br]the times that you were grateful to him will

0:44:10.030,0:44:14.260
come to you.[br]And you know it, until I am just head over

0:44:14.260,0:44:21.260
heels in love with my perceived enemy at the[br]other end of this worksheet, my work is just

0:44:22.370,0:44:25.580
not done.[br]SO that way you fall in love with everything,

0:44:25.580,0:44:30.980
everyone.[br]And you donít have to marry them you donít

0:44:30.980,0:44:37.980
even have to, I mean itís justÖYouíre free[br]and youíre full of what is natural, happiness.

0:44:39.710,0:44:46.710
So, the next word?[br]I am sure, Iím not doubting Iím sure about

0:44:49.020,0:44:52.210
myself[br]Yeah, and you find he ways you were sure.

0:44:52.210,0:44:57.610
There were a lot of things you were sure of.[br]Okay the next.

0:44:57.610,0:45:02.540
I am strong.[br]Yes there were many areas where you were strong.

0:45:02.540,0:45:08.480
Now, some of those served you, some of them[br]didnít, but theyíll show you your strength

0:45:08.480,0:45:15.480
in the negative and your strength in the positive[br]and what will serve you because you know yourself

0:45:17.410,0:45:23.940
when youíre in that I know mind, that unquestioned[br]mind, and you believe youíre right, it does

0:45:23.940,0:45:28.000
a lot of damage.[br]In other words it takes you further and further

0:45:28.000,0:45:31.740
away from what is valuable.[br]Yeah

0:45:31.740,0:45:37.190
Further and further away from yourself and[br]him as a result.

0:45:37.190,0:45:39.970
Yeah[br]Okay so you do that list in the opposite and

0:45:39.970,0:45:44.760
really take it in.[br]And then you find where he was strong.

0:45:44.760,0:45:47.060
Yeah[br]And where he was, you do that wholeness with

0:45:47.060,0:45:53.780
him too, the opposites.[br]That way you get a balance and you get to

0:45:53.780,0:45:57.510
knowÖYou know how you want to know everything[br]about the person you love?

0:45:57.510,0:46:04.510
Well, this worksheet is how we do it.[br]It just take in, you know, all the negatives,

0:46:04.730,0:46:11.660
all the positives, and they all become a positive.[br]The last one, number six.

0:46:11.660,0:46:16.510
I donít ever want him to doubt on my love[br]to him.

0:46:16.510,0:46:22.380
Iím willingÖ[br]Iím willing to let him doubt of my love to

0:46:22.380,0:46:24.220
him.[br]I look forward toÖ

0:46:24.220,0:46:27.950
I look forward to let him doubt on my love[br]to him

0:46:27.950,0:46:31.890
Yeah, thatí exciting.[br]And I would just put the whole world there.

0:46:31.890,0:46:38.160
Yeah, exactly. Yeah[br]Because you know, we have a right not to love

0:46:38.160,0:46:43.600
you if we donít.[br]And you have a right to love us anyway.

0:46:43.600,0:46:50.600
And you have a way to do that[br]Yeah

0:46:50.950,0:46:57.950
And then it was: I donít ever want him always[br]testing my love to him.

0:46:59.330,0:47:06.330
So, Iím willing[br]I look forward to have life test the love

0:47:11.370,0:47:18.370
to life.[br]I look forward to life testing my love of

0:47:19.250,0:47:24.150
life and everything in it and about it and[br]every situation and every thought.

0:47:24.150,0:47:30.870
Yeah[br]The only thing we donít love is the thought

0:47:30.870,0:47:37.870
or concept or assumption that weíve attached[br]to and then what that produces is secondary.

0:47:39.460,0:47:46.460
So weíre taking care of this and then this[br]shifts. This becomes lovely.

0:47:50.460,0:47:55.650
You know, itís very user friendly.[br]Thank you

0:47:55.650,0:47:58.430
Thank you so much[br]Youíre very welcome

0:47:58.430,0:48:05.430
Really Iím so grateful thank you[br]You are very welcome thank you for silence.