My, something about my controlling and harsh critical husband I feel stuck on working with
the turnarounds. Iím still confused. So,
Anyone have a harsh critical husband or wife? Okay, and what do they, what does he say that
is so painful? ìI canít talk to you anymore.î
Do you love silence? Do you love peace? Absolutely
Well heís the perfect husband for you. Thank you
Anyone else? When he gets really upset heíll say like,
ìYouíre not a decent woman.î Youíre notÖ
A decent woman Okay, so thatís simple. When youíre at home
alone and you have the blinds shut because you donít want anyone to see you, what is
that about? You know, when you go to that bathroom in
a public place, why do you shut the door? And Iím just showing you how my mind plays
with things because I hit this one years ago right away.
Stephen had to teach me to shut the bathroom door because whenÖwhy do I tell these things?
He came in one time, years ago, and I was doing the school in the wonderful desert and
I had several staff, they were woman, but that wouldnít have affected me I guess, but
I was working with all these staff for the next session and he came in and I was in the
bathroom doing my thing and they were all there just, we were just taking care ofÖ
We were having a staff meeting basically while I went to the bathroom.
He was horrified. And as love would have it, I support Stephen.
So, decent also is a matter of definition. Yeah
Oh good What honey?
What did she say? I mean, Iím not following this one.
So you be the husband. Okay
Yuck, youíre not decent. Oh honey, tell me more. Where specifically?
What specifically? You donít close the bathroom door when you
pee. Thatís true.
And you also need to cloth yourself better. I can see your cleavage and your butt crack.
Oh wow. I can see thatísÖYeah, thatís so. Really? Like, thatís it?
Well if itís true, heís right. I mean if my butt crack is showing and my
cleavage showingÖ Heís a keen observer. I mean, okay, see if you can hear this:
Love is never boxed in. It never excludes.
Itís your heart. I have a big thing about manners and decency
and all my stories about that with my daughter and my former step-daughters and stuff. So,
Iím constantly saying mind your manners and shit.
You know, as egos would have it, we just marry within those little culture bubbles. So weíre
all safe. Thatís not right or wrong. Itís just unnecessary.
Love crashes all the boundaries. So, I might say, if you donít have the table
manners then you were indecent. Yeah, and I think, well you know sweetheart,
that must be very painful for you. And Iím very open to buying pants with different
waistline, higher things and Iím very open to better table manners and I think it would
be a lot of fun to take on that apparent identity. Wow
And see if it helps you at all. Can I say something?
Itís actually deeper than that when he gets really upset heíll say like, ìwhoreî and
thatís likeÖ Okay so say to me; heís really upset.
He would just, he would just say like, ìYouíre just a whore.î
Oh, yea. And that hurts.
Yeah, but you know, if you know yourself itís not going to hurt honey.
But, still if you have like a specific happening in the past, and you know he refers to that,
then it hurts. Yes, so a good old Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
or five or six. But I tried.
Well, you know, do you have a worksheet now? Yeah, Iím not with him anymore, but physically,
heís there. You know, this started out as light, and I
hear where you are. Itís really painful. It really hurts, but I can tell you in my
experience, I look just like you, I felt what youíre feeling, what I imagine that youíre
feeling, pain, hurt, crushed. And today, ifÖ
Today like in your position, if someone called me like a whore. I would say, ìYou know,
only this morning. I said yes to you so youíd bring me coffee.
You know, I just, Iím a whore whore whore. You know, Iím always bartering.î
If someone you really love says, ìYou whoreî doesnít it hurt?
Well you know, I would just sit down with that person and say, ìtell me everything.
Where is it that youÖWhy do you see me that way?î
And he could come up with some examples that I absolutely agree with.
Yeah, and then? And then, maybe I would cry and think, ìHe
know me so well, I feel so connected to him.î And then?
And then he stays with me or he doesnít. But if he always blames youÖ
Well I would question: He always blames you. And if I called you a whore out of a state
of anger or hurt, I would not like myself. So I may come back with something even stronger.
Thatís what guilt is like. Itís what pain is like. Itís what fear is like. Itís what
lack of kindness is like. When I donít like me, I donít like you.
And if Iím unkind to you, thatís what Iím left with.
I appear to be mean and Iím only frightened. Thatís all thatís going on.
Love is all thatís ever going on. So, would you like to do a worksheet?
Okay, bring it up here. Weíll seeÖWhat did you write?
I am upset with Bal·zs because he doesnít want to forget the past and brings it up.
Do you want to step into this parlor? Yes please.
Letís do The Work. So, he doesnít want to forget the past. Is
that true? Itís a yes or a no to those first two questions.
Yeah. Yes. He doesnít want to forget the past.
Can you absolutely know that itís true that he doesnít want to forget the past?
Yes. So, how do you react, what happens, when you
think that thought? I get nervous.
I become afraid of losing him; that heíll just leave the relationship.
I get angry sometimes. Anxious
I feel bad. I always remember why he doesnít want toÖwhy heís calling me the whore; I
mean when he does. I always remember that specific situation.
And then I hate myself for that. Now, imagine that situation where youíre
with him and youíre thinking the thought: He doesnít want to forget the past.
Now look at him. Look at him. No matter how angry he isÖDo you see him?
Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít want to forget the past?
Look at him. Tell me what you see on his face.
And look at his physical body. Look at him. Look into his eyes. What do you see?
Who would you be without the thought: He doesnít want to forget the past?
Fear, scared, anger. You know that anger is fear?
The angrier a person is, the more frightened they are.
He doesnít want to forgive the past. Turn it around. IÖ
I donít want to forget the past. I donít want to forget the past.
You know that very thing, that situation you were talking about?
You donít want to forgive it or forget it. Youíre expecting him to do what you havenít
done yet. But he reminds me of it.
Well, get out of the past. Look at him the way he really is in that moment.
Heís frightened. If have the thought: I want you to forgive
the past. I need to start with myself. How can I expect
him to do it? For all I know itís impossible. So, I need to put a little work into that.
So, why donít you forgive the past? Because, if I forget the past, then he might
think that was easy. Like well,
Well heís already telling you that anyway. I tried two years with him to forget the past,
or to make him understand that he is the one I love.
But if I forgot the past, then he would likeÖîOh that was easy for you.î
And you could tell him the truth. You know, ìIt took me two years.î
You know, there is the truth. Feel what it feels like when you are remembering
the past; thinking of yourself as a whore. Feel what that feels like?
Yeah Okay, now feel like, what it feels like when
youíre not. Yeah
Okay, so that was always you. You not forgetting the past was the pain you
felt, not him remembering the past. Someone can remember your past all they want.
Itís not until you remember it and havenít forgiven it, that it hurts.
Understand? Like, someone could believe the past all they want. It doesnít hurt me.
Itís when I havenít forgiven the past and they bring it up that I hurt me.
Yeah So that gives you something to work on.
Forgetting forgiving your past. I always thought it was like a weapon he used
against me. Turn it around. It was a weapon that IÖ
It was a weapon I used against me to hold myself down.
And what a perfect partner to do that. Wow
I didnít want to forget the past. Because that way I put myself down and he
would love me. Oh, whoring again.
I put myself down. I played smaller. To keep his affection.
Weird isnít it? So he had the power. I gave him that power.
Yes And I would always say, ìYou donít want
to forget the past. You punish me.î And he wouldnít.
Yeah, youíre a tough one. Itís hard to enlighten you.
Thatís what every relationship is about you know.
Once we have The Work with it, combined with that relationship, those relationships itís
very clear that theyíre there to wake us up.
We judge them on paper and we set ourselves free and then the past changes.
We do The Work and then The Work does us. He doesnít want to forget the past. Can you
find another turnaround, another opposite? He doesÖ
He does want to forget the past. Otherwise he would not want to be with me
for two years. We were actually going to get married, but
seven weeks before he said he could not forget the past and cancelled the wedding.
Wow, lucky you and kind him. Itís like oh my heart is broken. Heís not
going to marry me and I wonít be able to live with someone who will not forget the
past. The next time you see him, you can say, ìYou
know what I loved most about you? The way you saw my past, it really helped
me.î It actually helped me
Itís like, hereís before the work: He doesnít want to forget the past.
After the work five minutes later: He doesnít want to give the past!
Iím so lucky. Perfect relationship Itís possible that he hated hurting you to
the point where he just wouldnít marry you and continue to hurt you that way.
He actually said that. Two weeks before he cancelled the wedding,
but I didnít want to leave him. No, you prefer remembering the past.
And heís not going to play anymore. Heís not going to help you anymore.
Okay precious, letís look at the next one. I want Bal·zs to be happy with me, worship
me, be happy because weíre together, and forget the past.
Oh my goodness, so letís just turn that around. I want meÖ
I want me to be happy with me, worship me, be happy becauseÖIím together?
Or we are together? I am together with myself.
I amÖBe happy because I am together with myself.
Yeah, even if you marry someone youíre still just with yourself.
Yeah And I wantÖ
And I want to forget the past. That makes you really good company.
Really. So thereís another turnaround: I want me
to be happy with him. I want me to be happy with him. I want me
to worship him. I want me to be happy because weíre together.
Because Iím together with him. Because I am together with him.
And grateful for what heís shown you, and grateful that he did not forget the past,
and grateful that he cancelled that wedding so you can be somewhat out of pain.
Yeah What does that mean?
It means you couldnít forget your past, and because he cancelled the wedding there were
not two of you not forgetting the past every day together.
Like, 24/7 He just left you to do it.
So, if I forget the past, do I have a future with him?
You know, I have no idea, but Iíve had three husbands in my life and I adore them.
I had a husband thatÖItís an old story I love. Itís an example. Heís this very large
man with this great big stomach and he was really like volatile.
And when The Work found me I became quiet and I would maybe just be sitting there as
still as you have been as youíre contemplating and he would walk into the room and it would
frighten him because I was no longer so animated and crazed.
And he might say likeÖIíll say blankity blank but he loved curse words and he really
knew some good ones. And when heís frightened heíd use them.
Thatís the only time people use like seriouslyÖI donít know if thatís true.
But anyway, when he was upset thatís what he did and he would go like, ìBlankity blank
Kate what the hell do you think youíre doing!?!î I just think, oh my, this is the smartest
man Iíve everÖWhat an amazing question. What do I think Iím doing?
Or heís say, ìBlankity blank Kate where the hell do you think youíre going!?!î
And I justÖAgain itís like this man was my teacher.
Iím still trying to answer that question. Our story about a personís intonation or
our story about like you know they go, ìblah blah blahî and theyíre angry.
What youíre believing about that Blah blah blah, thatís whatís hurting you.
Can you just listen to the words? Thereís no time that youíre not with your
teacher. Heíd say things like, ìWho the hell do you
think you are?î ìWho the hell do you think you are Kate!?!î
Okay honey just slow down. Thatís a good one.
There is no harm in the world. And that a small statement.
But I love that people would hear things like that and do The Work until they can prove
that itís true beyond any tiny little flaw. And then that way we know our true nature
andÖThatís certainly visible as I sit with you and watch drop into your beautiful self.
Letís look at the next one. Letís keep traveling. The third one?
Yes. He shouldnít criticize me.
Is that true? Youíre asking him again to do what you canít
do. So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?
I mean, do you appreciate free speech? Free speech?
Yeah, of course. Okay, well not in him.
Itís like, sweetheart I love you, but donít think this, donít think this, donít think
this, donít think this. Nope, not that either.
Yeah, thatís true. Hard to live with.
Yeah. Donít think it, donít say it, donítÖYou
hurt me. Youíre so good Katie.
You know we come from the same school. Iím so grateful.
Thank you honey. So: He shouldnít criticize you. Is that true?
No. You know, people who criticize you will give
you your best work. So you know, if youíre really interested
in freedom and enlightenment, go out in the world and just...Or you donít even have to
go out into the world just, wherever you go, hopefully theyíll criticize. Can you imagine
living in the world going anywhere everywhere anywhere you want to go hoping someone will
criticize you? I mean, that is freedom.
Another way of saying that is: going out into the world and let them enlighten you.
Once you have inquiry thatís whatís going on.
Thatís what everything, thatís what every breath is for, your enlightenment.
So sweetheart: He shouldnít criticize you. How do you react, what happens, when you believe
that thought? I get out of control. I yell.
He hates that. Yeah
And then weíre shocked that they criticize us when we know they hate that.
Close your eyes and look at you when you think the thought: He shouldnít criticize you,
and youíre yelling. Do you see that image?
Now look at him. This is: Who would you be without the thought?
Just witness. Can you find compassion for him and you?
See the pain in that one and him? See how frightened they both are?
He shouldnít criticize me turned around: He should criticize me.
You see it? Iím yelling. Iím screaming.
He actually tries to talk with me, but I yell because I get hurt. I donít want to listen.
He tries to tell me something and I donít want to listen or I get hurt or I think I
get hurt and then I yell and then it becomes even worse because then he is out of control
and then I think he doesnít want to forget the past.
That I actually make him tell me Iím a whore. Really.
I provoke it. I make him go the same pattern and then I
make him the guilty one. He has many times tried to talk with me, but
he would always say, ìOh you donít want to listen and I donít want to marry a women
who I cannot talk to whoís yelling at me. I donít feel like a man.î
I couldnít understand that. Yeah
I actually cancelled the wedding. I mean he just said, seven weeks before, he
needed some time. Before the wedding, I was in Denmark, he was in Turkey and I went to
Denmark to give the invitations to people and I heard there was something. I could hear
he was not okay. And then in phone he just said to me, ìIím
scared. Because we yell, we always discuss and we
are always yelling. I mean itís always like thisî and then he said, ìI need some time.
I need some time to see if I can live without you.î
And instead of trying to understand him, I was like, ìOkay you need some timeî and
I reacted and I got even more angry. I yelled even more in phone, and then he said, ìThatís
why Iím scared to marry you because I want a peaceful life. I want to marry onceî and
I was like being a child. I was like being, like me me me.
And really I was like, I did all this for you. Blah blah blah.î
You know sweetheart, that isÖYouíre describing the unenlightened mind.
Yeah And when inquiry comes into our life the id
begins to mature the way yours is. We all it mature human beings but just the mind expanding
into itsÖIíll say its true nature which looks like maturity and itís always kind
and sitting with you is just watching this heart open and open and open and realize and
open. Itís like you are in the presence of mature
mind, enlightened mind and you can have it any time. Just notice its always been there,
itís just now you can see because what you were believing is just out of the way enough
so imagine what you mind is capable of. SO, he shouldnít criticize me, turned around:
He shouldÖ He should criticize me cause it grows you.
Because it grows me. Okay precious letís look at the next one
He should listen to me He did it frightened him
He actually listened, you know what he said? In five years I have been listening to you
He actually listens to me Iím the one
I was not listening You know what I love about inquiry is you
donítÖyou know, if the person is dead or remarried or you never see them again itís
never too late to fall in love. And itís very different. Itís not a physical
thing. And the next one?
He should talk nicely Is that true?
I think youíve covered that. Turned around? I should talk nicely
Yeah The next?
Mhmm He should respect me.
Really? Itís hard to respect us when weíre going
off on them So turned around?
I should respect him. I should respect me.
Yeah You were doing the best you could.
You were believing your thoughts. You couldnít forget the past. You didnít know how.
Yeah. You should respect that
And when those emotions happen again respect them.
Notice what youíre thinking and believing and fill in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
Thank you. Youíre welcome.
You know itís like weíre like collapsing millions of years here.
And that leaves us in the moment. And thatís a lovely life.
Itís a life where thereís no suffering. Youíre always safe. Youíre never old. Youíre
never sick. And you understand.
Letís look at the next one. He shouldnít doubt on me.
Turned around I shouldnít doubt on myself.
Yeah When you think youíre a terrible human being
get real. You know, just put it on paper. Get real.
And the next one. He should relax and focus on building a future
with me. Turned around, I shouldÖ
I should relax and focus on building a future with myself.
Yes, thatís exciting. Itís wonderful to love the one youíre with.
It is. Yeah
So look at number four. I need Bal·zs to take responsibility and
not blame me. Is it true?
I mean I should responsibility and not blame him or anyone.
Him or you I should take responsibility of my life.
I donít need him to. I donít need him to.
Okay Yeah, that feels much free-er
I donít need him to take responsibility and just let him likeÖ
Thatís very kind of you to allow him to do what heís going to do anyway.
I love when you give permission and itís honest that everyone is free to do that.
Yeah And you understand that we are just the way
you used to be. Itís so funny, I have always thought I was
a very good partner. Like, freeing him...no no no no.
Like, I was giving him freedom and Iíve actually been limiting him.
And if I was not happy with how he was, I would get upset.
Thatís being a whore because I wanted something out of him and if I didnít get it I wouldnít
trade my love. Yea, I was actually doing that.
I would punish him. He didnít give me what I wanted.
Yea, no physical touch, no sex, you know, just withhold.
Yeah, just because I had m rules and my way ofÖyeah, seeing the world and he should be
that way. Now, when we finish this worksheet go thorough
it and make a list of the things youíve discovered and you admit your wrongs and then you make
it right where you can. And you apologize for those because we really
leave marks on people. Weíve been teaching the opposite of our nature.
Yeah And itís right when we clean all of that
up, then itís complete. Okay honey, the next
I need him not to play the victim. You know, all the victims in my life had a
right to play victimÖ When I look at my part.
So letís turn it around. I need me not to lay the victim
Yeah Öand I need him to.
I need him to play the victim. Yes
Because if you reflect back, any area that you might be the cause of another human beingís
suffering. Cool.
It really is. Cool.
Thereís some definite tools here. I need him to play the victim.
Yeah And it could be that as you listen to him
making that judgment, you hear that heís not playing a victim. Heís simply telling
you truths again that you could not hear earlier. Okay
I need him to be strong, happy, confident, grateful for our relationship
Yeah, thatís a difficult list for a partner to take on.
So, letís turn it around. I need meÖ I need me to be strong, happy, and confident,
and be grateful for the relationship with myself and others.
Yes, that way they can be what they be and youíre always in a good relationship.
Thatís true. Okay
And number five. Bal·zs is ungrateful, always doubting, weak,
codependent on his parents, irresponsible, cold, immature.
And I really want to marry him. This is me.
Yeah I am ungrateful, always doubtingÖ.
And in that relationship In that relationship
When he calls me a whore or when he soesnít give me what I want, I amÖ
I am ungrateful, always doubting, I a weak, codependant on my parents?
I would look at on his parents. Like what?
I donít know. There are some advantages, itís like if youíre
going to marry someone, if they fall short maybe his parents will kick in.
Itís like, you can go to them and say heís not blah blah blah.
I did that. Yeah
Okay I am irresponsible, I am cold, and I am immature.
Yes, in that relationship in that situation. Yeah
Okay honey Now, I want you to pay attention to this also.
Read the list again. I amÖ I am ungrateful.
And what is the opposite? I am grateful.
And then you sit with this later and youÖall the times that you were grateful to him will
come to you. And you know it, until I am just head over
heels in love with my perceived enemy at the other end of this worksheet, my work is just
not done. SO that way you fall in love with everything,
everyone. And you donít have to marry them you donít
even have to, I mean itís justÖYouíre free and youíre full of what is natural, happiness.
So, the next word? I am sure, Iím not doubting Iím sure about
myself Yeah, and you find he ways you were sure.
There were a lot of things you were sure of. Okay the next.
I am strong. Yes there were many areas where you were strong.
Now, some of those served you, some of them didnít, but theyíll show you your strength
in the negative and your strength in the positive and what will serve you because you know yourself
when youíre in that I know mind, that unquestioned mind, and you believe youíre right, it does
a lot of damage. In other words it takes you further and further
away from what is valuable. Yeah
Further and further away from yourself and him as a result.
Yeah Okay so you do that list in the opposite and
really take it in. And then you find where he was strong.
Yeah And where he was, you do that wholeness with
him too, the opposites. That way you get a balance and you get to
knowÖYou know how you want to know everything about the person you love?
Well, this worksheet is how we do it. It just take in, you know, all the negatives,
all the positives, and they all become a positive. The last one, number six.
I donít ever want him to doubt on my love to him.
Iím willingÖ Iím willing to let him doubt of my love to
him. I look forward toÖ
I look forward to let him doubt on my love to him
Yeah, thatí exciting. And I would just put the whole world there.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah Because you know, we have a right not to love
you if we donít. And you have a right to love us anyway.
And you have a way to do that Yeah
And then it was: I donít ever want him always testing my love to him.
So, Iím willing I look forward to have life test the love
to life. I look forward to life testing my love of
life and everything in it and about it and every situation and every thought.
Yeah The only thing we donít love is the thought
or concept or assumption that weíve attached to and then what that produces is secondary.
So weíre taking care of this and then this shifts. This becomes lovely.
You know, itís very user friendly. Thank you
Thank you so much Youíre very welcome
Really Iím so grateful thank you You are very welcome thank you for silence.