-
P: My Tree is erect, I'm- (laughs) No.
D: No. No, no, no.
-
P: I don't know (laughs)
D: What the hell, just say hi you weirdo
-
(static) P: Hi, I'm cosy by my tree, it's
the end of the year, I hope your chestnuts
-
are roasting on an open fire, and boy, do
I have a gift for you.
-
I've casted a dark summoning spell
to bring you Danny boi. (boing)
-
(accomplishment) D: Yes, it is I. I have
emerged from the void to once more
-
bless you with the gift of some content.
P: You could have worn something a little
-
bit festive, that looks quite satanic, I'm
just gonna say it. D: This is not satanic!
-
P: What is it? D: It's stars! It's
supposed to look celestial, shu-
-
you look like a f*ckin battenberg. P: Hey
people wanna eat this slice.
-
D: More like you're too sweet and make
people sick. P: O-Okay well- D: Hi.
-
(both burst out laughing) P: So today
we're smashing two things together,
-
which are- (laughs) D: OUR F- (woofs)
FINALLY. P: no.
-
D: Beeeep. P: Oh my god. A countdown of
everything we've been through
-
in the- year. D: A year in review- P: and
texting. (ding)
-
What do Dan and Phil text each other? D:
As you know- P: 2 D: We text each other
-
some weird stuff, it's safe to say we
spend too much time together. P: Yeah
-
D: Ergo, we have developed a strange alien
language- P: Ergo D: We're not normal- what?
-
(giggling) P: That's a strange alien
language, who says that? You 17th century
-
Poet. D: I do. Dost thou have a (bark)
problem? P: No. D: It took us like half
-
an hour to scroll back to the top so if
somebody texts me I'm gonna flip a (bark).
-
P: It was the biggest finger workout I've
ever had. D: Oh- (laughing)
-
D: That's right, are you ready to dive
into the DM's? Between these two- P: Do it
-
D: Heavily unintelligent people (laughs)
-
I sent you a text on the 1st of January at-
P: 2am?! D: 2:06am. P: Happy New Year!
-
(party horn) Awww! I wanna die! I want to
crush- no. D: You want to- you what? (laughs)
-
I want to die, I want to crush.
blessed_family.
-
P: I couldn't have anything better for the
start of the year. D: What a great way to
-
start the new year. P: If you had to adopt
one of those dogs which would it be?
-
D: Oh, god, all of them. P: Look at that
face. D: Straight out of the bat, I tweeted
-
a text screenshot the other day, and
everyone was coming for me,
-
because I've got you saved as PL with
no icon. (boing)
-
Everyone was like "Dan, why isn't he like
Philly Poo with a cloud emoji or something?"
-
Look. You need to know me, you need to
really know me, okay? Every single person
-
Phil. My mother. Jesus Christ. Is just
saved first name, last name-
-
P: His mum isn't even called mum. D: No
picture, you just need to accept it guys.
-
I am that dry. P: Take a picture of me now.
D: I am that steadily serious.
-
P: Get one. D: I don't want to see your face.
You ready? (snapshot followed by laughing)
-
P: That's so horrible! (honk) You can see
like every pore. D: This is why cameras
-
on phones shouldn't get better. P: Stop.
Why is it- D: No one wants to see that.
-
P: What was this? Explain to me and the
audience D: Don't open my laptop
-
P: Why lol D: Just don't. All I know is
if I say that to you- P: I wouldn't-
-
I wouldn't betray your trust, I wouldn't
want to, to be honest. D: What was it?
-
P: I don't know. D: I'm scared for myself.
P: Cursed. D: Oh no- (laughing)
-
P: Little Normie. D: Oh yeah the fish died!
That wasn't traumatic at all!
-
P: He went to fish heaven- D&P: I cried. D:
We both cried P: That was synchronised crying
-
anyway, we buried him in a maple tree and
he watches over us. Going glub, glub.
-
(silent laughing) Would I get demonetized for
saying bussy? We can't put that in this video!
-
D: and then- ah Bernie Sanders memes.
-
P: Bernie memes! D: It was that time. It is
actually disturbing how well he fits (laughs)
-
onto that picture of TATINOF. P: Thank you
Anna. That's the perfect way of doing it.
-
D: We could be in the Berniverse right now
but we're not. We're in this hellscape.
-
P: Biden's not a hellscape. He's better
than... Trump. D: Don't settle for near
-
liberalism Phil. P: Ok. AW that's when
Steven was in the wild!
-
D: Do you remember there was a pigeon
called Steve that was a big part of our life?
-
Damn. Why did you text me saying bip?
P: I don't know why I said bip (laughs)
-
D: I just realised we're taking the
Screenshots on my phone which means that
-
you're in black and I'm in blue which
irrevocably ruined this entire video.
-
P: I'm happy to try out being the dark side
for once. D: I even have a black case and
-
you have a blue- P: We've done this wrong.
Delete this video, that's the end of the video
-
thanks for coming, we don't know what
we're doing, bye, peace. P: We don't know
-
what we're doing. By the way, this used to
be my phone, but I got the new iPhone and
-
it was too heavy for my weak hands. D:
Phil was honestly like 'its hurting my hand'
-
P: It was! D: To carry this phone around
P: That's so damn heavy
-
it's like carrying around a wide screen TV
so I've got the mini one now.
-
So cute, so light, was that a door knock?
D: I didn't hear anything at all up here
-
I think he'd have knocked again? P: Probs
(laughs) I like that we just didn't check
-
D: Someone may have been at the door and
literally neither of us gave a (moo)
-
and I- maybe? Did you hear something?
I dunno bye (gasp) P: (laughs) The mushroom
-
head. Hey! I think it's a look it's gonna
come back!
-
2023, embrace it. D: Ah, eurgh, me getting
interior design inspiration
-
P: That's sexual D: For the thing under
the stairs, bam.
-
P: That's the stairs naked before they got
dressed up D: That's what it was
-
P: It's Christmas mode, look at this
(singing)
-
OH DAN! (laughs) Why are you putting that
in the video?! (snoring)
-
D: I need to do a calendar investigation
right now.. 24th February.
-
I must have literally just found that on my
camera roll and just been like
-
'this is a nice homophobic picture of
Phil' send. P: Thanks for that
-
D: That's friendship for you right there.
P: I look like I'm dead (kazoo)
-
that's an advert I got on my (laughs)
Instagram.
-
D: Damn P: Wow. They've got the target
audience wrong, but D: Oh
-
damn yeah, they really got the wrong
spider person. Multiverse of ass.
-
Did you make that your icon for a long time?
P: It's still my icon somewhere I think
-
D: I'm just gonna say right now, we took
that photo, I hate it
-
P: I asked you if it was cursed! One year
later, two weeks ago, Dan said
-
D: Phil why is- P: Why is that your icon?
It's horrible? (laughs)
-
D: That is definitely a cursed photo. You
look like someone that has taken off
-
your skin, and it's a rubber mask of the
Phil face.
-
Do you know what I mean? P: I get you, I
look like a gremlin's mum.
-
D: Here we go, what the hell. Hach?
P: Hach? D: K 1 min
-
The (bark)? P: It's hache burgers D: Ohh
Saturday at 9pm.
-
P: Burgers D: We were ordering burgers, it
was the first of alien Dan and Phil talk
-
that we successfully decoded. P: Fully
decoded D: You'll all have the most useless
-
degree in Dan and Phil um P: ology.
-
Fresh Japanese bamboo, this was because
my dad actually painted us some bamboo
-
D: Have you shown- P: No I've never showed
the internet this! My dad D: Are you gonna
-
reveal it in this video? P: Yeah, my dad
painted us some of the Japanese bamboo
-
D: Phil's dad is actually an incredibly
talented fine artist P: So thanks dad.
-
Do we actually need a gingerbread avocado?
D: Yes. Get that (bark) Alan in my neck.
-
P: Alan the avocado. (laughing) D:
We were bored okay?
-
P: We had nothing to do D: We were locked
down in a ten square foot apartment
-
impartment? I'm gonna impart the fact that
we need to get the hell outside (water)
-
But here's some inso P: Inso D: What is
happening? P: Oh we were trying to decide
-
what my new candle should be D: Ah right
this is my moodboard of what the graphic
-
design for your candle should look like.
There we go. P: Helpful. Shove that up your
-
nostrils. D: I'm not just simping Phil,
this is actually the most delicious smelling
-
candle. (giggles) That is the most 'I want
to eat this but I probably might die.'
-
P: Still on my shop, our shops might still
be combined when you watch this as well
-
D: We're trying to desperately get rid of
like 6 llama hats sitting on a shelf so if
-
you want some obscenely underpriced Dan and
Phil vintage merch, get it before someone
-
else steals it. P: Go grab it. But also
Dan's got a lovely journal as well
-
which you should go get. D: Oh I have some
like, tasteful stuff. P: Big yeet (laughs)
-
Don't know what that was about. D: Why
would you just text me saying big yeet?
-
P: Was I excited about food or something?
I think it was that. My mum sent a box of
-
easter treats, can I have one with my coffee
snack or is that betrayal? D: lool, okay yes
-
P: Yeet, sending a vibe. Why am I sending
you a vibe? D: I don- where was I?
-
Something traumatising I have suppressed
the memory. P: 31st March. D: Oh, I was
-
recording my audiobook. P: Ah. D: Wednesday
7th April. 4:51. Rat.
-
P: Duck. D: That's it (both laughing)
-
D: What does it mean? P: I don't know what
it means. D: Three days later.. P: Yelp.
-
Yote. (laughs) D: What the (bark) are we
talking about? P: I don't know, I don't know
-
We need to speak to some other people. D:
I'm starting to realise, bingo card time.
-
If we say yeet, yone, yoben, mooble, bobobo,
little animal things, say coffee, decaf,
-
or where are you, take a shot. You will
be dead in ten minutes P: Good luck
-
D: That's what we're learning here. Ah. Yes.
P: That was the first time we saw the sexy
-
LED. I wanted it to look like an inter-
dimensional portal right? D: Which ended
-
up being some LED strips laid on the floor.
P: But hallways are always super boring!
-
I was like why not have a fun entrance to
our house? D: I posted a series of very
-
flattering selfies, and if you haven't
seen them, check em out.
-
Go like them on my Instagram. (spooky)
P: And that is our crazy sex dungeon.
-
(record scratch) D: Okay, yep, explain that
Phil.
-
That's our dexter room where we murder
people in the clink for- it was under
-
construction- P: It was. D: The clingfilm
got taken down, or did we leave it up there?
-
Is that where we're hiding the bodies?
P: yon (laughs) D: pote
-
P: 4:32am! (Dan cackling) D: WHAT?
P: WHAT IS THAT?!
-
D: WHAT ARE WE DOING?!
-
P: I was out on the town, and I'm saying
I'm alive.
-
D: I feel like that's not what happened-
P: All that town I like going out on
-
D: What town where you out on? P: I don't
know. D: Oh another- (wheezing) okay, right.
-
I feel like we need to start doing meme
reviews of the memes that we text each other
-
okay? Blessed family shibes? 4/5. Capybara
farts? Lets watch Capybara farts.
-
P: This is good. (bubbling noises) That is
a 5/5. D: 5, solid 5.
-
Phil Micheal Lester, you hit me with the
'haha' react bubble? (boo)
-
P: What's wrong with that? D: What in the
boo- on the scale between actually having
-
a comment, saying lol and then haha bubble,
haha bubble is like 'Am I a sub human dirt
-
trash?' He said you'll be totally fine
and they are just checking you out,
-
Don't worry! Soon you will be back and
this will be an extremely silly anecdote.
-
Hey Phil! P: It's the glue night! D:
Remember the time that Phil ate superglue?
-
P: That was great. D: Look at me being a
supportive friend with the double exclamation
-
mark. P: Can you send me a pic of the
bottle back? Oh the doctor was like 'Can I
-
see what you swallowed?' D: What did you
swallow? Are we talking Pritt stick or like
-
cement here. P: It was strong. Funny things
you can say, I like your accent, I just
-
pretend so people think I'm cool like
Sherlock or Tom Holland. D: Lockdown vibes
-
P: What is this?! Oh this is when you were
on American TV for your book, and you'd
-
like done a- D: Was I on the view or Good
Morning America? P: You'd done about 700
-
interviews, and you'd just run out of any
kind of- D: I (claps) have been on every
-
single podcast, local radio, and my brain
fell out of my ears. (heavy breathing)
-
Who am I? What do I talk about? I love at
the end you said there, don't complain
-
that you're sick of zoom, when you are on
zoom. (Phil laughing)
-
D: 88 P: what? D: Not you. Well who the
(bark) are you talking to Dan?
-
P: What? D: Make some Goddamn sense! P:
No worries if not! (both laughing)
-
That is a good meme! I end every email with
that! D: 5. Okay, a sandwich of confusion!
-
Yeeten, a picture of me being traumatised
by your haircut, yeeben. Yep.
-
(laughing) WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?!
yone.
-
P: Funny little fox. D: With a disturbing
human face.
-
P: I love that fox, its a Tibetan fox if
you want one.
-
Dan, your forehead is wet in that photo.
D: I was sweating, it was a stressful day Phil.
-
In hindsight, I feel like I probably over
promoted my book- P: No!
-
D: I was quite active on Twitter and
Instagram. P: This is the British thing!
-
Be proud of your book, it was number 1
bestseller (party horn), it helped loads of
-
people out there- D: So I could have just
been like "wrote a book lol" tweet.
-
Wow the manager of Waterstones Leeds
gave me 5 stars, holy (bark) it's lit.
-
Spoilers! P: Oh my god, also I'm not dying.
D: What's the prognosis? P: Shall I wait
-
to see it later? Okay wha- D: What? Why
are you dying? P: You came to look at this
-
place with the furniture in it, this is
when my crazy dizzy time happened.
-
D: Nice! Oh, Phil's health issues! P: Which
I'm still having, but I'm kind of on top of,
-
so it's okay. D: Yeeben. P: Coming home!
I am not dying yeet (laughing)
-
That's just another one of my scans. D:
Sending premium vibes? I am sending you
-
a positive vibe from a dog. A new episode
of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,
-
is now on Prime Video, important. P: CHRIST
(Dan laughing)
-
D: Then you texted- (laughing) P: Fagus
sylvatica beech hedge?
-
D: Why did you- P: Did you just sign in as
me on an iPad? D: No? P: What?? (laughing)
-
Was I getting hacked? There wasn't anything
good on there- D: And that's when Phil got
-
hacked. Let me know when you're on the way
back! P: On the way back! (laughing)
-
D: Was that auto suggested? P: Neioon D:
You're a little shit.
-
He hit me with the haha bubbles and the 'oh
Dan texted me, why text when I can just hit
-
him with the auto reply?' How dare you?
(laughing) P: OH My God.
-
P: Right- D: You can't- no. No no no no no.
-
(Dan giggling)
-
You can always edit it out! P: Is this too
mean to post I think he's a sexy man?
-
Let's play the video. 'Some people have
told me I look like Benedict Cumberbatch,
-
I do not see it, but- wait for it,
-
(snickering) Now I do.
-
I'm sorry! (ambulance) Look, I think he's
attractive, I just think people have told me
-
I look like him, and it's just because our
eyes are a bit different!
-
Vibes. D: Thank, going well. P: We send a
lot of vibes to each other
-
when we're not together. D: When we're
in mysterious circumstances
-
P: What was happening on the 8th of June?
D: Recording the pride thing?
-
(surprise) Yep! There we go (laughing)
Emo Dan.
-
P: That photo is so disturbing it sends me
vividly back to 2011.
-
D: That pride thing was a real adventure,
I was on a billboard, in Times Square
-
P: It was crazy! D: But I didn't post about
it because I felt like it would be bragging
-
and I was like 'I don't wanna do this.' P:
You need to get over this!
-
D: It's like cringe so I just don't say
anything, I've got a problem Phil!
-
P: I know, it had a furry in it, but they
cut it out.
-
(laughing) D: Er, where did you
leave your phone? P: On the sun
-
(laughs) D: So your phone is melting down
but you took a screenshot and texted it to
-
me, alright Phil. P: It was important
content.
-
D: Can I have some more milk, but my oat
milk, and you can bring the milk down to
-
the icy glass that I already have (laughs)
P: Alright needy Dan. D: Haunting
-
paranormal footage (laughs) P: It's you
from the doorbell
-
(creepy music)
-
D: Do you ever realise how ugly you are
sometimes?
-
(cackling)
-
5 OUT OF 5!
-
P: Pope. D: Slime. P: Where are you? D:
Find. P: What? (Dan laughing)
-
D: So I want attention or help, but I
don't want to tell you where I am.
-
P: Ok. D: Okay, very normal. Are you alive?
P: 9:35am, I'm hoping I'm asleep.
-
D: No reply, guess Phil died. P: I died.
D: So that's when you died, and this is all
-
actually heaven. P: I'm a ghost. Plants
outside, mmm concrete. Plants at home-
-
D: Is this tap water? I'm allergic! True.
Trees are really just out there and all
-
these potted things that I'm giving
fertilisers are like 'mm I'm crispy.'
-
Aww, it's us in Final Fantasy XIV- P: It's
cat boys. D: Roleplaying as cat boys.
-
P: We've spent half this year as cat boys
let's be honest. D: It's been a- we've
-
played for 700- P: We even went to a gay
club as cat boys. Should we talk about this?
-
No. (laughing) D: Someone hit on us. So,
it was a Saturday, we were bored, we were
-
looking at this thing and someone said come
to our nightclub, we went to a private house,
-
it was a club full of people, we were
walking around as catboys and shirtless
-
giant bear guy said, "What are you boys up
to, wanna come in to the basement?"
-
and we logged off, it was weird. P: It was
weird. D: What the hell? P: That is just Dan
-
looking like Golem going up the stairs
(laughs)
-
D: Do I look this deranged? P: Yes. D: Why
are you always on silent? What if the
-
builders or (water) want something? For
example me right now wants to call you.
-
P: Oh my god! Dan! Do you know what the
ring login is I've been- beee D: I've beee
-
logged out. HELLO?! Hello?! P: You were so
sassy for 10:48am.
-
D: You did not give a (bark) you were just
like 'how do I log back in to the doorbell
-
I beeee logged out.' (cackling) P: What?
D: PLEASE!
-
PLEASE! Some context!
-
P: You said it. D: Man huffing and grunting
immediately behind you. P: Sunglasses emoji
-
(laughing) P: What does that mean? D: Oh,
we were on a train. P: Oh!
-
D: We were going to film Hometown
Showdown, and right behind you,
-
this old man was just going (grunting)
P: Hometown Showdown was the craziest
-
2 days, we filmed it in 2 days! D: You know
we had so many like, long, interesting
-
conversations, and it's such a shame that
it wasn't just like, a 7 hour documentary
-
series. P: It felt very old-school energy.
D: But it was fun, andddd, I'm sure people
-
liked seeing us outside. P: That was rare.
D: Can you get more wate refil
-
(suspenseful music) P: Don't react me
D: Don't react me!
-
P: Aww, mems D: 3 years ago! 2018,
Interactive Introverts P: Look at those pops
-
D: We're in the middle of America and we
were going to see Infinity War,
-
P: So good. D: With a giant bucket of
popcorn.
-
Would you go back then? I mean I hadn't
come out as gay yet. D&P: But the popcorn.
-
P: When you finish the ice cream and start
nibbling on the wooden stick. (laughing)
-
(clap) 5 out of 5. D: That is the vision
for fishtank 2.0 P: Ohhhh
-
boof. D: Recommended on YouTube mix,
Pop music. P: That's me!
-
D: Please sir, may I have some water? P:
When I die. D: Ok, hope you die
-
P: I think I was playing Apex D: Right, ok.
P: Walking Deec? D: Right, you know this
-
now- P: They're not gonna get this. D:
Watch the walking dead and have a decaf
-
coffee. P: There we go. D: Nice little
Animojis there you freaks. (cackling)
-
P: What is this? D: Okay, what a journey!
P: They ordering viet baguette, D: Well
-
then. P: Am I annoying? D: Why? (laughing)
-
P: I must have been with some people and
just thought I was annoying? I don't know
-
what- D: You had Banh Mi without me?
(gasp) P: Yeah sorry.
-
ah my Phil and plants calendar shoot. D:
We do not need a giant cactus!
-
P: Or this? (ding) D: We kept it! P: Yay,
this is Dan not knowing how to
-
use any appliance. P: No one teaches me
these things? D: I can do basic pants and
-
socks on delicates cupboard dry, right? P:
Umm, I'd just do socks and towels, pants
-
shrink. D: Help me dad. P: Don't put your
pants in the dryer you freak.
-
D: Giraffe wink again. P: Whats the wink?
D: OH NO (laughing)
-
P: This was recently! We're almost at today!
D: Moon butt, I'm not having fun
-
P: Say you got to go- D: Okay, okay- I
play Apex Legends with a bunch of friends
-
on PC, and they are very sweaty okay? P:
They're too good! D: They take it very
-
seriously, and sometimes they get a bit
tilted! So if we're in a diamond lobby,
-
and we lose a bunch of times, I want to
leave, because they're shouting at me,
-
but I don't know how. P: So, I say 'say
you gotta go!' D: Too awkward.
-
P: say your Grandma is arriving (laughs)
or switch off the PC and say the power cut
-
D: Oh god. 3 hours Phil, and it was all
rage, no fun.
-
P: Oh this is what you tweeted! Basically
someone was outside and Dan was like
-
D: This lady is outside can you tell me
when they've gone? P: Right outside the
-
door. D: I walk round the corner, see her
and I'm just like nope, Phil,
-
look out the window, tell me when they've
left, and I squatted in a hedge for like
-
an hour. P: I did the full spy stakeout
out the window as well, just to watch
-
and see where she'd gone. D: Thank you
P: 6 or 7? (crickets?)
-
What? D: You what? P: Oh my god I mean
feet, what is a foot? (laughing)
-
I didn't know if it was 2 or 1! D: SEVEN
FOOT WHAT?! P: TREE!
-
D: jesus.
-
P: There we got a 7 foot tree! D: Phil,
Phil. P: What? Inches. Feet.
-
P: I'm a confused man. I'm embarrassed,
don't remember what that was but it's funny
-
D: Oh, our final meme, our final meme.
P: I sent you that one; 5 out of 5.
-
Uh, wow that was a journey! I feel like I've
seen my whole life flash before my eyes,
-
in the form of texts. A bunch has happened
with you that we did not text about.
-
D: That we can't talk abo- look, quite a
few things, dreams of mine,
-
got quite catastrophically torpedoed by
C-bag coming back and disappearing and
-
then coming back again when you
least expect it. P: Like Dan has been so
-
close to almost giving you something
and then it's been taken away.
-
D: A couple of these things might happen
again in the future, but I cannot continue
-
to wait for them or just be gone in the
meantime, so, in the New Year,
-
at somepoint, somehow in some way, I will
be back.
-
So brace yourselves. P: I'm braced, I feel
like the world has missed your sarcasms,
-
so it will be good to have a bit of that
back. D: Have they though?
-
Maybe this has been good for the world,
think about it. Has your life been better
-
without me? Maybe I should just, you know,
phase out of reality.
-
P: So that's the end of the year on this
channel, thank you for joining me,
-
Thank Dan- D: Thank you for tolerating
my presence P: for treating us with your
-
presence, if you've enjoyed this, please
give me a thumbs up, our shops are still
-
combined if you want to go grab a deal- D:
Plug that merch Phil! P: Err, what else can
-
you do? Subscribe to me, subscribe to Dan,
maybe he'll pop up again there at some point,
-
and have a lovely Christmas or whatever
else you're celebrating, Happy New Year,
-
D: It has been... a year, I hope you're all
doing well,
-
and in the tradition of clearly how we
like to speak, yeeben, P: yoben,
-
D: sending you a vibe. P: Yote.
-
P: Bye!