Кухня - 2 серия (1 сезон)

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English version

(Max) As they say, there are two sides to every coin.

I absolutely agree.

On one side, you get a job at the trendiest

and tastiest restaurant of the city.

On the other, it made no impact on the quality of what you eat.

On one side, you are respectable patrons of an elite restaurant,

but on the other - you will never find out

how they really treat you.

On one hand, you think you are at the most gorgeous

and peaceful place on earth,

on the other…

Chef: - Veal "Palantine" with capers!
- Yes, Chef!

Chef: - Two trouts "Tarragon"!

Chef: - Senya, where is my Bechamel (sauce)?
-- Right away, Chef. 20 seconds!

(Chef) What are you standing here for?

(sound of falling plates)

(Max) Lastly, on one side, you are two hours late

and you think you will be crucified,

but on the other…

(Chef) Butthead... I love you!

He was late. I win!
Everyone who bet, fork it over!

Hurry, hurry!
(laughter)

Because you have improved my mood in such a horrible day,

i’m rewarding you with a very important, and more significantly , socially useful work.

You will...

...unload groceries.
Max: - But Chef!

Chef: - And don’t thank me. It’s straight from my heart!
- Chef, I thought I would cook!

(Chef) Look at you. You relied on your two non-existent abilities

– to think and cook. March!

Nastya, I will end up with a heart attack thanks to you!

Chef, what’s the word for a female Chef?
Chefess?

Mistake of nature.

Well, the mistake of nature
from the neighboring restaurant
is sitting in the dining lounge.

(Chef) What is she sniffing here for?

- Do you want me to ask?
Chef: - Do not!

(Chef) What did she order?
(Nastya) Coffee.

That’s it?!

(Chef) What are we? A coffee house?

- Chef, are you afraid of her?
- Yeah right! Why would I be?

My shoelace was untied.

Vika: - You didn't get fired yesterday?
- Well, first of all, good day.

Secondly, smoking harms your health.

Thirdly, who would fire such a specialist?
Vika: - Haha

Wait... Were you really upset that I might leave?

You will miss me.

In memory of our wonderful night!

Hi, Ainura!

Listen, If anyone here finds out
something happened between us, I will...

(voice from the kitchen) - Viktoria Sergeevna!
- Yes, Kostya.

Viktoria Sergeevna, the C-keeper at the bar broke down again.

I told you yesterday that you need to call a repairman.

Now you’ll have to fix the problem on your own.

- So the C-keeper is broke?
- Yes. Do you know how they work?

What’s there to know?

At my last job, the C-keeper broke down every day.

I left. I don’t know who fixes it now.

L-listen, c-can you fix mine?

In return, I’ll unload everything for you?

Well, okay.

(Max) So, the unloading problem is solved. The only thing left is to find out what a C-keeper is.

- Good day!
- Hello!

- What brings you here?
- Work.

They brought chic dish sets to our restaurant.

While they’re offloading, I decided to kill a half hour at your place.

Yes, good tableware often helps.

Aren't you ordering anything?

Well, I said I wanted to kill time - not myself.

- Bad joke, huh?
- Never mind!

Everybody knows there are two things women can’t do -

– joke and cook.
(Nastya laughs)

I think that a cup of disgusting coffee won’t keep you for too long

at our horrible restaurant.
Good bye.

Perhaps, I will order.

(Chef sighs)

Oh, Partridge Fricassee.
Chef’s signature dish. How intriguing!

Sasha, take this lady's order.

Chickenhead! She calls herself a Chef!

She worked in India!

There they roll any trash in curry and call it food.

Where is my knife?

What are you doing here?
Weren't you designated to unload groceries?

Everything is fine there.
I just need to get to the bar.

(Chef) Who took my knife?

I repeat.

Who took MY knife?

I see.

Senya, come here.

Senya, buddy, is it you who took my knife?

Senya: - No.
Chef yelling: - Then who?

Okay. Here it how it is, invalids.

Until you find my knife, none of you will go home!

Understood?!

(Sasha) Chef, I punched a Partridge Fricassee.

(Chef yelling) I won’t cook anything until my knife is found!

(he slams the door)

So, everybody looks for the knife. Get to it!

Listen, what is the problem?
Why don't we buy the same knife quickly?

Buy? Do you have any idea what kind of knife it is?

Get it now? We cannot just buy the same knife.

- What is up with you? Go on – look for the knife!
- Yes.

How the hell does this C-keeper look like?

Oh wow, that’s a C-Keeper?

I thought it was a cash register.

Kostya, make two espressos, please.

Floppy Ears, what are you doing there?

I’m the new bartender.
They fired Kostya because he doesn’t know shit.

Yeah right, who are you trying to fool?
I saw you in the kitchen. You’re a cook.

I have many talents, but at heart I’m a bartender.

(sound of breaking glass)

The bottle is half empty. The till is not right!
What do you want? Coffee?

Yeah, make two espressos, please.

He calls himself a bartender!

Get out of here! I’ll do it myself.

Perhaps, a cup of tea?

- You just asked me that 10 minutes ago.
- Well, maybe you want one now.

Would you mind finding out how things are with my order?

(Nastya) Sure.

So? Will you?

Ah, you want to know right now! Okay.

Great. It’s not ready! Let me please Dmitriy Vladimirovich.

His favorite Chef refuses to cook!

(door slams)

Rejoice! You’ll have a new Chef soon.

Of course, provided that the old one
doesn’t cook his damn Fricassee.

Let’s make it ourselves.

(Lyova) If we cook his signature dish,
he’ll c-cook u-us...

(Senya) He’ll devour us! You’re right.
Better not risk it.

(Fedya) And if we don’t make it, he will be fired!

(Senya) That's right!
We have to make it.

Or you’re right. I’m confused now.

(Lyova) No, i-it’s a bad idea!
I-its...

(Fedya) As out captain used to say:

“Better to crap your pants during the storm, than because of the weather forecast”!

(Ainura speaks in Kyrgyz): Very good!

(Fedya) Is that good or bad?

(Ainura speaks in Kyrgyz): What idiots!

Lyova: - Is she eating it?
- Of course she is! Why wouldn't she?

- Miss!
Could you come here for a second?

Waitress: - Yes?
- Could you please call your head Chef.

(Ainura): Oh God, she said something to Sasha!

(Louis speaks with a French accent)
Maybe she asked for a second helping?

The guest…the guest requests the Chef!

I w-warned you!

You jinxed it!

- Go to the Chef’s office!
Senya: - Why me?!

(Nadya) Go! Go!

(Senya) I was against it from the very beginning.
It was Fedya's idea. He should go!

(Fedya) Hello? Why me? Lyova, you go!
You're his right hand man. He won’t do anything to you.

I-i... a-am n-not going! No!

(Fedya) Louis should go. He's got nothing to lose.
Anyway, he’s just a... Frenchman!

(Senya) Listen – let’s send Chef an sms.

(Fedya) Write!
We’ll all end up writing

resignation letters!
(Senya): Hell no!

(Nadya) Don’t panic!

(arguing)

(knocking)

Chef! Chef!

What is it?

That attractive lady from the future
neighboring restaurant is asking for you.

The one that you fancied.

Ainura, don’t talk nonsense!
I didn’t fancy anyone.

She hasn’t left yet?

How may I be of help?

I have tried your Fricassee.

So, how was it?

Well, truthfully?

You know, I liked it.
Yes, it’s a good recipe.

It’s not really a recipe.
We didn't want to throw away partridge leftovers.

Oh, I see.

Well, it is nice to leave your place in good health.

What? Are you leaving already?

How unfortunate!
You know I have absolutely no time left.

Your Chef’s signature dish took too long to cook.

Good bye.

As if my stolen knife was not enough,

but they ruined my signature dish too!

Here! All of you!

(Lyova) Chef... w-we...

(Fedya) Chef, we did it for the better!

I don’t give a damn what you wanted.
Do you know what she said about your Fricassee?

That it was disgusting!

(Senya) Chef, that’s exactly what I told them.

The chef’s signature dish is disgusting!

You! Invalids!

(slams the door)

Kostya, did you fix the C-Keeper?

No, but I'm working on it.

- What are you doing here?
Max - Fixing the C-Keeper.

What? Get out of the bar!
Out, I said!

Artyom, call Kostya quickly.

Why are you standing there? Out of the bar!

Ok, ok. What’s gotten into you?

Yes, Vicktoria Sergeevna?

Kostya, is this normal?
Why is there a mess and outsiders in the bar?

Well it’s just that…he was fixing the C-Keeper.

Really?

Well, where’s the cognac then?

I don’t know.

Then who knows? Kostya, do I need to fire you?

It was there. I saw it myself.

Damn it!

Excuse me, I’ll be right back.

Listen – where’s the congnac?

Max: - What cognac?
Kostya: - The 20,000 ruble cognac.

20,000? Oh wow!

You are screwed, dude.

(Kostya) It is you who is screwed, dude!

Listen, big bull, are you messing with me?
The taller you are the harder you fall.
Have you ever heard that before?

Buddy, I will rip you apart!
Do you know how many years I’ve been boxing?

God, I’m so sick of it!
Why does everything always get fucked up?

Why can't I ever, not even once, have a normal day?

One day, my God!

(commentator) Spartak is at the penalty corner,
CSKA is in defense...

Ari with the ball, he kicks..

Goal!

(Chef laughs)

(commentator)
Literally in the last minutes of the match!

Well done, Ari! Akinfeev had no chance!

It is no good.

(Max) Are you deaf or what? I haven’t seen your cognac!

There, the bottle was right there.

Surprised?

You’re lucky that you caught me off-guard.
I would have nailed you for sure.

(Kostya) I don’t understand.

(c-keeper turns on)

Listen, Kostyan, by the way, I did fix your C-Keeper.

Kostya: - Sorry, buddy!
Max: - I don't need your apology!

You owe me, buddy, got it?
Big time!

What are you looking at? Make me something fresh.
My head is spinning.

(Kostya sighs) Sure!

(Chef speaks to the fish)
So what do I do now, Arkadiy?

I can’t come out like nothing happened.

Or can I?

Hide it somewhere?

What are you all standing around for, lazybones?
Have you found the knife?

(Louis replies in French): No.

Chef: - Lyova come here.
Lyova: - Yes, Chef.

(Fedya whistles)
Syoma: - What?

What’s wrong with you? Are you nuts?
Why did you take it? He’ll cut you open!

(Fedya) I didn’t take it. It was inside of the fish.

Listen, I better hide it before Chef sees it.

Hey butthead! Why did you leave this dirty box here?

Take it a way! Quickly!

Unbelievable.

Chef: - Lyova, have you found the knife?
- Not yet, Chef.

Chef: Did you look everywhere?
Lyova: E-e-everywhere!

(Chef) Well, keep looking! Maybe someone was cutting something and left the knife there.

Inside a fish, for example.

I-i-in a fish?

(Chef) Okay, in some MEAT!
How would I know? Look everywhere.

Y-yes, Chef.

(Ainura speaks in Kyrgyz) Oh God! What an idiot! Hide the knife! If the chef sees it, he’ll circumcise you.

It’s better he finds it himself. Hide it! Hide it!

Well, have you found it?

(Lyova) Chef, w-w-we looked everywhere, i-i-it isn’t anywhere.

There was a fish here. Where did it go?

(Fedya) They took it to the dining lounge.

(Sasha) Chef, they are asking for you.
They found a knife inside a fish.

So what? It happens.
Once we found a monkey inside a shark.

It was alive.

(Max) Well, something needs to be done.
Two screwups in two days.

I'll be fired for sure!

(Chef) Good evening.

(Guest) Good evening.

I’m the head Chef of this restaurant.
I was told you wanted to see me.

Yes, I did. Would you explain to me what this is?

Chef: - This is...
Max: - Please, allow me, Chef!

(Chef) What?

(Max) Allow me to tell the guests what you once told me.

Max: - Good evening.
Guest: - Good evening.

(Max) Here is a unique recipe with more
than a thousand years of history.

So, lets go back to the times of crusades.

War. Hunger. It is 1107. Godfrey of Bouillon passes through the Bosphorus

and invents a unique way of cooking fish,

by skewering it on the blade of a sword.

The evenly heated blade gives the fish
a refined flavor and aroma.

Try it.

Yes, indeed!

That's what I am saying.
It is truly culinary poetry!

Max: - Chef, did I miss anything?
Chef: - No, it’s all correct.

- Excuse me, can I have the same fish?
Chef: - In a minute. Max, with me!

Enjoy your meal!

(Guest) Thank you.

Chef, you called me by my real name.

(Chef) Oh yeah, forgive me.

Butthead, if you ever go to the dining lounge again
without my permission, you are fired!

Max: - Understood.
Chef: - Make sure they don't steal the knife.

(Dima laughs) I did warn you.
That’s all, bye. I can’t right now. I told you I can’t.

(Chef) Dima, what happened?
Vika, are you quitting?

Bring it on, Vika!

Dmitriy Vladimirovich, God only knows
what’s going on in this restaurant.

As a woman, I cannot oppose Victor Petrovich,

(phone rings)

and he breaks all the rules.

(Dima) Enough! I told you I can’t right now. Okay.

I have to run. Please, Vika, wrap it up.

Yes, okay. Maxim Lavrov started as a cook
in the kitchen yesterday. I want him fired.

(Dima) I see? Why? Is he a complete idiot?

(Vika) Yes. Today he made a mess in the bar.

Smashed a bottle of liquor, glasses,
and broke the coffee machine.

(Chef) Kostya, is that true?

Sorry, actually it's my fault.
I asked Max to fix the C-Keeper.

By the way, he did fix it.

The coffee machine is working and
the bottle was almost empty.

(Dima) Well, thank God, guys!

The C-Keeper works. I love happy endings like this!

So, everything’s alright. I gotta run...

(Vika) No, everything is not alright.
He also approached some guests in the dining lounge.

(Chef) I asked him to do that.
We presented a new dish.

He’s a good guy overall. Quick-witted.

(Dima) He is fine.
He doesn't look dump if he doesn't smile.

Anything else, Vika?
(Vika) Yes. Today he also started a fight.

(Dima) Did he?
I don’t like savagery in our restaurant.

Is it true?

(Max) We were just fooling around.

(Vika) Fooling around? Fooling around…
Hold on, I filmed the whole thing. Here.

(Dima) Thanks to Vika, who films everything in her life.

(sound of the video) Max, are you filming?
Stop it! (music playing)

(Chef) Sh-h-h…We are not done watching it yet.

(Dima) Yeah. We find it interesting too.

(Max in the video) Such beauty should be documented.

(Chef) We still haven’t finished watching it.

(Dima) I like it. I love this kind of movies. Arms, legs, screams. Hehehe.

As if it is a fight? It’s not a fight – you did even resist.

So, there’s no reason to fire him for now.

Thank you very much. I hope that you won’t bother
me over such trifles anymore.

(phone rings) Yes!
Good bye to all. Not to you, idiot!

What are you whining about? Yes, I hear you.
Yes, yes. Speak. (leaves)

(Chef) Here is the thing, fools.
Don’t let anybody else find out about it.

Vika is a bitch, of course,
but she’s not the worst art director.

She still has to work here. Understood?

(Max) There you have it.
There are two sides to every coin.

One day everything can turn around.

The one you liked starts to hate you.

The one who hit you in the face becomes your friend.

The one who seemed like an angry tyrant becomes less so.