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It was the spring of 2011,
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and as they like to say
in commencement speeches,
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I was getting ready
to enter the real world.
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I had recently graduated from college,
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and moved to Paris to start my first job.
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My dream was to become
a war correspondent,
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but the real world that I found
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took me into a really different
kind of conflict zone.
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At 22 years old,
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I was diagnosed with leukemia.
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The doctors told me
and my parents, point-blank,
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that I had about a 35 percent chance
of long-term survival.
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I couldn't wrap my head around
what that prognosis meant.
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But I understood that the reality
and the life I'd imagined for myself
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had shattered.
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Overnight, I lost my job,
my apartment, my independence,
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and I became patient number 5624.
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Over the next four years
of chemo, a clinical trial
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and a bone marrow transplant,
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the hospital became my home,
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my bed, the place I lived 24/7.
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Since it was unlikely
that I'd ever get better,
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I had to accept my new reality.
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And I adapted.
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I became fluent in medicalese,
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made friends with a group
of other young cancer patients,
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built a vast collection of neon wigs
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and learned to use
my rolling IV pole as a skateboard.
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I even achieved my dream
of becoming a war correspondent,
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although not in the way I'd expected.
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It started with a blog,
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reporting from the front lines
of my hospital bed,
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and it morphed into a column
I wrote for the New York Times,
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called "Life, Interrupted."
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But --
(Applause)
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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But above all else,
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my focus was on surviving.
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And -- spoiler alert --
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(Laughter)
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I did survive, yeah.
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(Applause)
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Thanks to an army of supportive humans,
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I'm not just still here,
I am cured of my cancer.
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(Applause)
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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So, when you go through
a traumatic experience like this,
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people treat you differently.
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They start telling you
how much of an inspiration you are.
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They say you're a warrior.
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They call you a hero,
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someone who's lived
the mythical hero's journey,
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who's endured impossible trials
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and, against the odds,
lived to tell the tale,
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returning better and braver
for what you're been through.
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And this definitely lines up
with my experience.
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Cancer totally transformed my life.
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I left the hospital knowing
exactly who I was
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and what I wanted to do in the world.
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And now, every day as the sun rises,
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I drink a big glass of celery juice,
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and I follow this up
with 90 minutes of yoga.
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Then, I write down 50 things
I'm grateful for onto a scroll of paper
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that I fold into an origami crane
and send sailing out my window.
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(Laughter)
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Are you seriously believing any of this?
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(Laughter)
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I don't do any of these things.
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(Laughter)
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I hate yoga, and I have no idea
how to fold an origami crane.
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The truth is that for me,
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the hardest part of my cancer experience
began once the cancer was gone.
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That heroic journey
of the survivor we see in movies
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and watch play out on Instagram --
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it's a myth.
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It isn't just untrue, it's dangerous,
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because it erases the very real
challenges of recovery.
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Now, don't get me wrong --
I am incredibly grateful to be alive,
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and I am painfully aware
that this struggle is a privilege
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that many don't get to experience.
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But it's important that I tell you
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what this projection of heroism
and expectation of constant gratitude
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does to people who are trying to recover.
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Because being cured is not
where the work of healing ends.
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It's where it begins.
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I'll never forget the day
I was discharged from the hospital,
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finally done with treatment.
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Those four years of chemo
had taken a toll on my relationship
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with my longtime boyfriend,
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and he'd recently moved out.
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And when I walked
into my apartment, it was quiet.
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Eerily so.
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The person I wanted to call
in this moment,
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the person who I knew
would understand everything,
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was my friend Melissa.
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She was a fellow cancer patient,
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but she had died three weeks earlier.
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As I stood there in the doorway
of my apartment,
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I wanted to cry.
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But I was too tired to cry.
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The adrenaline was gone.
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I had felt as if the inner scaffolding
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that had held me together
since my diagnosis
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had suddenly crumbled.
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I had spent the past 1,500 days
working tirelessly to achieve one goal:
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to survive.
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And now that I'd done so,
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I realized I had absolutely
no idea how to live.
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On paper, of course, I was better:
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I didn't have leukemia,
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my blood counts were back no normal,
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and the disability checks
soon stopped coming.
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To the outside world,
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I clearly didn't belong in the kingdom
of the sick anymore.
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But in reality, I never felt
further from being well.
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All that chemo had taken
a permanent physical toll on my body.
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I wondered, "What kind of job can I hold
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when I need to nap for four hours
in the middle of the day?
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When my misfiring immune system
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still sends me to the ER
on a regular basis?"
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And then, there were the invisible,
psychological imprints
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my illness had left behind:
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the fears of relapse,
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the unprocessed grief,
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the demons of PTSD that descended upon me
for days, sometimes weeks.
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See, we talk about reentry
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in the context of war and incarceration.
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But we don't talk about it as much
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in the context of other kinds
of traumatic experiences, like an illness.
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Because no one had warned me
of the challenges of reentry,
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I thought something must be wrong with me.
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I felt ashamed,
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and with great guilt,
I kept reminding myself
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of how lucky I was to be alive at all,
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when so many people
like my friend Melissa were not.
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But on most days, I woke up
feeling so sad and lost,
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I could barely breathe.
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Sometimes, I even fantasized
about getting sick again.
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And let me tell you,
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there are so many better things
to fantasize about
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when you're in your twenties
and recently single.
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(Laughter)
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But I missed the hospital's ecosystem.
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Like me, everyone in there was broken.
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But out here, among the living,
I felt like an impostor,
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overwhelmed and unable to function.
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I also missed the sense of clarity
I'd felt at my sickest.
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Staring your mortality straight in the eye
has a way of simplifying things,
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of rerouting your focus
to what really matters.
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And when I was sick,
I vowed that if I survived,
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it had to be for something.
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It had to be to live a good life,
an adventurous life,
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a meaningful one.
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But the question, once I was cured,
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became: How?
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I was 27 years old
with no job, no partner, no structure.
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And this time, I didn't have treatment
protocols or discharge instructions
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to help guide my way forward.
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But what I did have was an in-box
full of internet messages
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from strangers.
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Over the years,
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people from all over the world
had read my column,
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and they'd responded with letters,
comments and emails.
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It was a mix, as is often
the case, for writers.
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I got a lot of unsolicited advice
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about how to cure my cancer
with things like essential oils.
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I got some questions about my bra size.
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But mostly --
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(Laughter)
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mostly, I heard from people who,
in their own different way,
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understood what it was
that I was going through.
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I heard from a teenage girl in Florida
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who, like me, was coming out of chemo
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and wrote me a message
composed largely of emojis.
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I heard from a retired art history
professor in Ohio named Howard,
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who'd spent most of his life
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struggling with a mysterious,
debilitating health condition
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that he'd had from the time
he was a young man.
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I heard from an inmate
on death row in Texas
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by the name of Little GQ --
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short for "Gangster Quinn."
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He'd never been sick a day in his life.
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He does 1,000 push-ups
to start off each morning.
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But he related to what
I described in one column
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as my "incanceration,"
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and to the experience of being confined
to a tiny fluorescent room.
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"I know that our situations
are different," he wrote to me,
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"But the threat of death
lurks in both of our shadows."
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In those lonely first weeks
and months of my recovery,
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these strangers and their words
became lifelines,
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dispatches from people
of so many different backgrounds,
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with so many different experiences,
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all showing me the same thing:
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you can be held hostage
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by the worst thing
that's ever happened to you
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and allow it to hijack
your remaining days,
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or you can find a way forward.
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I knew I needed to make
some kind of change.
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I wanted to be in motion again
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to figure out how to unstuck myself
and to get back out into the world.
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And so I decided to go on
a real journey --
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not the bullshit cancer one
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or the mythical hero's journey
that everyone thought I should be on,
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but a real, pack-your-bags
kind of journey.
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I put everything I owned into storage,
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rented out my apartment, borrowed a car
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and talked a very a dear
but somewhat smelly friend
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into joining me.
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(Laughter)
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Together, my dog Oscar and I
embarked on a 15,000-mile road trip
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around the United States.
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Along the way, we visited some
of those strangers who'd written to me.
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I needed their advice,
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also to say to them, thank you.
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I went to Ohio and stayed with Howard,
the retired professor.
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When you've suffered a loss or a trauma,
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the impulse can be to guard your heart.
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But Howard urged me
to open myself up to uncertainty,
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to the possibilities
of new love, new loss.
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Howard will never be cured of illness.
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And as a young man, he had no way
of predicting how long he'd live.
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But that didn't stop him
from getting married.
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Howard has grandkids now,
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and takes weekly ballroom dancing
lessons with his wife.
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When I visited them,
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they’d recently celebrated
their 50th anniversary.
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In his letter to me, he'd written,
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"Meaning is not found
in the material realm;
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it's not in dinner, jazz,
cocktails or conversation.
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Meaning is what's left
when everything else is stripped away."
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I went to Texas, and I visited
Little GQ on death row.
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He asked me what I did
to pass all that time
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I'd spent in a hospital room.
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When I told him that I got
really, really good at Scrabble,
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he said, "Me, too!" and explained how,
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even though he spends most of his days
in solitary confinement,
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he and his neighboring prisoners
make board games out of paper
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and call out their plays
through their meal slots --
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a testament to the incredible tenacity
of the human spirit
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and our ability to adapt with creativity.
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And my last stop was in Florida,
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to see that teenage girl
who'd sent me all those emojis.
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Her name is Unique, which is perfect,
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because she's the most luminous,
curious person I've ever met.
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I asked her what she wants
to do next and she said,
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"I want to go to college and travel
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and eat weird foods like octopus
that I've never tasted before
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and come visit you in New York
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and go camping, but I'm scared of bugs,
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but I still want to go camping."
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I was in awe of her,
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that she could be so optimistic
and so full of plans for the future,
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given everything she'd been through.
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But as Unique showed me,
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it is far more radical
and dangerous to have hope
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than to live hemmed in by fear.
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But the most important thing
I learned on that road trip
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is that the divide between
the sick and the well --
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it doesn't exist.
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The border is porous.
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As we live longer and longer,
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surviving illnesses and injuries
that would have killed our grandparents,
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even our parents,
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the vast majority of us will travel
back and forth between these realms,
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spending much of our lives
somewhere between the two.
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These are the terms of our existence.
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Now, I wish I could say
that since coming home from my road trip,
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I feel fully healed.
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I don't.
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But once I stopped expecting myself
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to return to the person
I'd been pre-diagnosis,
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once I learned to accept my body
and its limitations,
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I actually did start to feel better.
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And in the end, I think that's the trick:
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to stop seeing our health as binary,
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between sick and healthy,
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well and unwell,
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whole and broken;
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to stop thinking that there's some
beautiful, perfect state of wellness
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to strive for;
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and to quit living in a state
of constant dissatisfaction
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until we reach it.
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Every single one of us
will have our life interrupted,
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whether it's by the rip cord
of a diagnosis
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or some other kind of heartbreak
or trauma that brings us to the floor.
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We need to find ways to live
in the in-between place,
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managing whatever body
and mind we currently have.
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Sometimes, all it takes is the ingenuity
of a handmade game of Scrabble
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or finding that stripped-down
kind of meaning in the love of family
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and a night on the ballroom dance floor
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or that radical, dangerous hope
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that I'm guessing will someday
lead a teenage girl terrified of bugs
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to go camping.
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If you're able to do that,
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then you've taken the real hero's journey.
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You've achieved what it means
to actually be well,
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which is to say, alive in the messiest,
richest, most whole sense.
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Thank you, that's all I've got.
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(Applause)
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Thank you.
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(Applause)