[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.69,0:00:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was the spring of 2011,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.69,0:00:06.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as they like to say\Nin commencement speeches,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.52,0:00:10.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was getting ready\Nto enter the real world.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.73,0:00:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had recently graduated from college,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.38,0:00:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and moved to Paris to start my first job.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.99,0:00:20.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My dream was to become\Na war correspondent,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.89,0:00:23.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the real world that I found
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.07,0:00:27.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,took me into a really different\Nkind of conflict zone.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.97,0:00:30.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At 22 years old,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.02,0:00:33.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was diagnosed with leukemia.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.93,0:00:38.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The doctors told me\Nand my parents, point-blank,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.24,0:00:42.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I had about a 35 percent chance\Nof long-term survival.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.01,0:00:48.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't wrap my head around\Nwhat that prognosis meant.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.85,0:00:53.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I understood that the reality\Nand the life I'd imagined for myself
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.97,0:00:55.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had shattered.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.74,0:01:00.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Overnight, I lost my job,\Nmy apartment, my independence,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.77,0:01:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I became patient number 5624.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.68,0:01:10.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over the next four years\Nof chemo, a clinical trial
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.25,0:01:12.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a bone marrow transplant,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.16,0:01:14.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the hospital became my home,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.49,0:01:17.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my bed, the place I lived 24/7.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.11,0:01:21.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Since it was unlikely\Nthat I'd ever get better,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.88,0:01:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to accept my new reality.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.28,0:01:27.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I adapted.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.20,0:01:31.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became fluent in medicalese,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.82,0:01:36.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,made friends with a group\Nof other young cancer patients,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.54,0:01:40.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,built a vast collection of neon wigs
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.90,0:01:46.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and learned to use\Nmy rolling IV pole as a skateboard.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.94,0:01:51.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I even achieved my dream\Nof becoming a war correspondent,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.05,0:01:53.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,although not in the way I'd expected.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.22,0:01:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It started with a blog,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.100,0:01:58.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reporting from the front lines\Nof my hospital bed,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.36,0:02:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it morphed into a column\NI wrote for the New York Times,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.21,0:02:03.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,called "Life, Interrupted."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.78,0:02:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But --\N(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.96,0:02:07.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.14,0:02:09.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.62,0:02:11.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But above all else,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.91,0:02:15.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my focus was on surviving.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.86,0:02:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And -- spoiler alert --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.51,0:02:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.63,0:02:22.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did survive, yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.78,0:02:27.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.84,0:02:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks to an army of supportive humans,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.73,0:02:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not just still here,\NI am cured of my cancer.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.92,0:02:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.11,0:02:37.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.28,0:02:39.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.37,0:02:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, when you go through\Na traumatic experience like this,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.53,0:02:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people treat you differently.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.61,0:02:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They start telling you\Nhow much of an inspiration you are.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.14,0:02:52.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say you're a warrior.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.55,0:02:54.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They call you a hero,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.51,0:02:57.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone who's lived\Nthe mythical hero's journey,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.49,0:02:59.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who's endured impossible trials
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.60,0:03:02.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, against the odds,\Nlived to tell the tale,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.95,0:03:06.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,returning better and braver\Nfor what you're been through.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.84,0:03:12.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this definitely lines up\Nwith my experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.47,0:03:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cancer totally transformed my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.75,0:03:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I left the hospital knowing\Nexactly who I was
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.74,0:03:19.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I wanted to do in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.83,0:03:22.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now, every day as the sun rises,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.54,0:03:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I drink a big glass of celery juice,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.14,0:03:27.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I follow this up\Nwith 90 minutes of yoga.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.65,0:03:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then, I write down 50 things\NI'm grateful for onto a scroll of paper
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.57,0:03:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I fold into an origami crane\Nand send sailing out my window.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.50,0:03:41.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.20,0:03:44.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you seriously believing any of this?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.35,0:03:46.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.46,0:03:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't do any of these things.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.30,0:03:49.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.44,0:03:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate yoga, and I have no idea\Nhow to fold an origami crane.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.36,0:03:57.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is that for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.46,0:04:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the hardest part of my cancer experience\Nbegan once the cancer was gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.54,0:04:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That heroic journey\Nof the survivor we see in movies
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.32,0:04:09.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and watch play out on Instagram --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.66,0:04:10.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a myth.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.84,0:04:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It isn't just untrue, it's dangerous,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.43,0:04:16.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it erases the very real\Nchallenges of recovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.53,0:04:23.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, don't get me wrong --\NI am incredibly grateful to be alive,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.16,0:04:26.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am painfully aware\Nthat this struggle is a privilege
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.69,0:04:28.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that many don't get to experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.28,0:04:31.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's important that I tell you
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.81,0:04:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what this projection of heroism\Nand expectation of constant gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.11,0:04:39.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,does to people who are trying to recover.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.89,0:04:44.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because being cured is not\Nwhere the work of healing ends.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.78,0:04:46.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's where it begins.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.70,0:04:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll never forget the day\NI was discharged from the hospital,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.92,0:04:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,finally done with treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.100,0:05:00.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those four years of chemo\Nhad taken a toll on my relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.83,0:05:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my longtime boyfriend,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.74,0:05:04.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he'd recently moved out.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.50,0:05:09.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I walked\Ninto my apartment, it was quiet.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.83,0:05:10.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Eerily so.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.19,0:05:14.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The person I wanted to call\Nin this moment,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.91,0:05:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the person who I knew\Nwould understand everything,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.43,0:05:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was my friend Melissa.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.50,0:05:22.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was a fellow cancer patient,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.57,0:05:25.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but she had died three weeks earlier.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.52,0:05:29.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As I stood there in the doorway\Nof my apartment,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.52,0:05:31.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.42,0:05:34.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I was too tired to cry.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.73,0:05:36.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The adrenaline was gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.60,0:05:39.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had felt as if the inner scaffolding
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.40,0:05:41.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that had held me together\Nsince my diagnosis
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.86,0:05:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had suddenly crumbled.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.17,0:05:51.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had spent the past 1,500 days\Nworking tirelessly to achieve one goal:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.11,0:05:52.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to survive.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.51,0:05:54.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now that I'd done so,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.44,0:06:00.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized I had absolutely\Nno idea how to live.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.100,0:06:04.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On paper, of course, I was better:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.06,0:06:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't have leukemia,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.19,0:06:08.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my blood counts were back no normal,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.06,0:06:10.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the disability checks\Nsoon stopped coming.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.24,0:06:12.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To the outside world,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.51,0:06:17.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I clearly didn't belong in the kingdom\Nof the sick anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.87,0:06:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in reality, I never felt\Nfurther from being well.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.69,0:06:27.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All that chemo had taken\Na permanent physical toll on my body.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.95,0:06:31.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wondered, "What kind of job can I hold
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.09,0:06:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I need to nap for four hours\Nin the middle of the day?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.18,0:06:37.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my misfiring immune system
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.66,0:06:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,still sends me to the ER\Non a regular basis?"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.66,0:06:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, there were the invisible,\Npsychological imprints
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.52,0:06:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my illness had left behind:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.69,0:06:50.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the fears of relapse,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.36,0:06:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the unprocessed grief,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.28,0:06:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the demons of PTSD that descended upon me\Nfor days, sometimes weeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.92,0:07:01.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, we talk about reentry
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.20,0:07:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the context of war and incarceration.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.55,0:07:06.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we don't talk about it as much
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.47,0:07:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the context of other kinds\Nof traumatic experiences, like an illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.91,0:07:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because no one had warned me\Nof the challenges of reentry,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.84,0:07:18.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought something must be wrong with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.64,0:07:20.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt ashamed,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.84,0:07:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with great guilt,\NI kept reminding myself
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.15,0:07:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of how lucky I was to be alive at all,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.46,0:07:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when so many people\Nlike my friend Melissa were not.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.39,0:07:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But on most days, I woke up\Nfeeling so sad and lost,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.01,0:07:35.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could barely breathe.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.20,0:07:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes, I even fantasized\Nabout getting sick again.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.68,0:07:42.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And let me tell you,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.86,0:07:46.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are so many better things\Nto fantasize about
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.79,0:07:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you're in your twenties\Nand recently single.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.53,0:07:51.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.48,0:07:55.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I missed the hospital's ecosystem.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.40,0:07:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like me, everyone in there was broken.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.84,0:08:03.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But out here, among the living,\NI felt like an impostor,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.23,0:08:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,overwhelmed and unable to function.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.69,0:08:11.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I also missed the sense of clarity\NI'd felt at my sickest.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.58,0:08:16.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Staring your mortality straight in the eye\Nhas a way of simplifying things,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.67,0:08:20.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of rerouting your focus\Nto what really matters.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.69,0:08:23.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I was sick,\NI vowed that if I survived,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.05,0:08:24.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it had to be for something.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.58,0:08:27.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It had to be to live a good life,\Nan adventurous life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.100,0:08:29.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a meaningful one.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.93,0:08:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the question, once I was cured,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.41,0:08:34.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,became: How?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.71,0:08:39.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was 27 years old\Nwith no job, no partner, no structure.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.65,0:08:44.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this time, I didn't have treatment\Nprotocols or discharge instructions
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.04,0:08:45.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to help guide my way forward.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.77,0:08:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I did have was an in-box\Nfull of internet messages
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.72,0:08:54.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from strangers.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.90,0:08:56.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over the years,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.07,0:08:58.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people from all over the world\Nhad read my column,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.74,0:09:02.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'd responded with letters,\Ncomments and emails.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.05,0:09:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a mix, as is often\Nthe case, for writers.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.77,0:09:12.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got a lot of unsolicited advice
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.43,0:09:16.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about how to cure my cancer\Nwith things like essential oils.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.28,0:09:20.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got some questions about my bra size.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.69,0:09:22.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But mostly --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.55,0:09:23.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.68,0:09:28.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mostly, I heard from people who,\Nin their own different way,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.44,0:09:30.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,understood what it was\Nthat I was going through.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.70,0:09:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I heard from a teenage girl in Florida
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.56,0:09:36.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who, like me, was coming out of chemo
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.90,0:09:40.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and wrote me a message\Ncomposed largely of emojis.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.65,0:09:47.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I heard from a retired art history\Nprofessor in Ohio named Howard,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.08,0:09:48.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who'd spent most of his life
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.52,0:09:51.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,struggling with a mysterious,\Ndebilitating health condition
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.00,0:09:54.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he'd had from the time\Nhe was a young man.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.32,0:10:00.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I heard from an inmate\Non death row in Texas
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.03,0:10:02.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the name of Little GQ --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.51,0:10:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short for "Gangster Quinn."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.44,0:10:07.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He'd never been sick a day in his life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.75,0:10:10.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He does 1,000 push-ups\Nto start off each morning.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.92,0:10:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he related to what\NI described in one column
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.55,0:10:15.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as my "incanceration,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.76,0:10:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to the experience of being confined\Nto a tiny fluorescent room.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.46,0:10:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know that our situations\Nare different," he wrote to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.97,0:10:30.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But the threat of death\Nlurks in both of our shadows."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.82,0:10:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In those lonely first weeks\Nand months of my recovery,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.99,0:10:39.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these strangers and their words\Nbecame lifelines,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.89,0:10:42.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,dispatches from people\Nof so many different backgrounds,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.77,0:10:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with so many different experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:44.76,0:10:46.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all showing me the same thing:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.25,0:10:51.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can be held hostage
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.93,0:10:54.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the worst thing\Nthat's ever happened to you
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.94,0:10:58.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and allow it to hijack\Nyour remaining days,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.37,0:11:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or you can find a way forward.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.96,0:11:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I knew I needed to make\Nsome kind of change.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.81,0:11:09.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to be in motion again
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.72,0:11:14.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to figure out how to unstuck myself\Nand to get back out into the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.92,0:11:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I decided to go on\Na real journey --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.79,0:11:22.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not the bullshit cancer one
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.02,0:11:26.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the mythical hero's journey\Nthat everyone thought I should be on,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.26,0:11:29.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but a real, pack-your-bags\Nkind of journey.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.59,0:11:34.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I put everything I owned into storage,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.62,0:11:38.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rented out my apartment, borrowed a car
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.62,0:11:43.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talked a very a dear\Nbut somewhat smelly friend
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.71,0:11:44.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into joining me.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.89,0:11:47.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.37,0:11:52.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Together, my dog Oscar and I\Nembarked on a 15,000-mile road trip
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.94,0:11:54.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,around the United States.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.18,0:12:00.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Along the way, we visited some\Nof those strangers who'd written to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.83,0:12:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I needed their advice,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.40,0:12:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also to say to them, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.28,0:12:10.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to Ohio and stayed with Howard,\Nthe retired professor.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.08,0:12:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you've suffered a loss or a trauma,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.25,0:12:16.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the impulse can be to guard your heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.07,0:12:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Howard urged me\Nto open myself up to uncertainty,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.32,0:12:25.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the possibilities\Nof new love, new loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.56,0:12:29.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Howard will never be cured of illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.40,0:12:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as a young man, he had no way\Nof predicting how long he'd live.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.66,0:12:35.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that didn't stop him\Nfrom getting married.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.84,0:12:37.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Howard has grandkids now,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.81,0:12:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and takes weekly ballroom dancing\Nlessons with his wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.81,0:12:43.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I visited them,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.15,0:12:46.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they’d recently celebrated\Ntheir 50th anniversary.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.82,0:12:50.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In his letter to me, he'd written,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.35,0:12:53.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Meaning is not found\Nin the material realm;
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.28,0:12:57.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's not in dinner, jazz,\Ncocktails or conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.39,0:13:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meaning is what's left\Nwhen everything else is stripped away."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.75,0:13:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to Texas, and I visited\NLittle GQ on death row.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.100,0:13:11.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He asked me what I did\Nto pass all that time
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.38,0:13:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd spent in a hospital room.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.36,0:13:18.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I told him that I got\Nreally, really good at Scrabble,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.61,0:13:22.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he said, "Me, too!" and explained how,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.06,0:13:25.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though he spends most of his days\Nin solitary confinement,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.42,0:13:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he and his neighboring prisoners\Nmake board games out of paper
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.45,0:13:32.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and call out their plays\Nthrough their meal slots --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.47,0:13:39.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a testament to the incredible tenacity\Nof the human spirit
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.40,0:13:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our ability to adapt with creativity.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.43,0:13:46.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my last stop was in Florida,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.39,0:13:49.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see that teenage girl\Nwho'd sent me all those emojis.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.58,0:13:53.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Her name is Unique, which is perfect,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.75,0:13:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because she's the most luminous,\Ncurious person I've ever met.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.83,0:14:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I asked her what she wants\Nto do next and she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.78,0:14:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I want to go to college and travel
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.70,0:14:06.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and eat weird foods like octopus\Nthat I've never tasted before
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.86,0:14:08.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and come visit you in New York
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.40,0:14:10.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go camping, but I'm scared of bugs,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.33,0:14:12.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I still want to go camping."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.77,0:14:16.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was in awe of her,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.22,0:14:21.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she could be so optimistic\Nand so full of plans for the future,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.51,0:14:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,given everything she'd been through.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.18,0:14:25.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as Unique showed me,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.88,0:14:30.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is far more radical\Nand dangerous to have hope
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.76,0:14:32.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than to live hemmed in by fear.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.70,0:14:39.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the most important thing\NI learned on that road trip
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.10,0:14:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that the divide between\Nthe sick and the well --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.31,0:14:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it doesn't exist.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:45.15,0:14:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The border is porous.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.58,0:14:49.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As we live longer and longer,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.97,0:14:53.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,surviving illnesses and injuries\Nthat would have killed our grandparents,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.86,0:14:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even our parents,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.20,0:14:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the vast majority of us will travel\Nback and forth between these realms,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.96,0:15:03.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,spending much of our lives\Nsomewhere between the two.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.06,0:15:07.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are the terms of our existence.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.23,0:15:12.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I wish I could say\Nthat since coming home from my road trip,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.45,0:15:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel fully healed.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.60,0:15:15.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.60,0:15:19.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But once I stopped expecting myself
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.25,0:15:23.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to return to the person\NI'd been pre-diagnosis,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.25,0:15:28.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,once I learned to accept my body\Nand its limitations,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:28.38,0:15:30.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I actually did start to feel better.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.40,0:15:35.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the end, I think that's the trick:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.28,0:15:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stop seeing our health as binary,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.82,0:15:40.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between sick and healthy,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:40.53,0:15:42.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well and unwell,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.06,0:15:43.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whole and broken;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.78,0:15:48.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stop thinking that there's some\Nbeautiful, perfect state of wellness
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.25,0:15:49.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to strive for;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.81,0:15:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to quit living in a state\Nof constant dissatisfaction
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.72,0:15:55.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until we reach it.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:56.60,0:16:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every single one of us\Nwill have our life interrupted,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.37,0:16:04.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's by the rip cord\Nof a diagnosis
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.60,0:16:09.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or some other kind of heartbreak\Nor trauma that brings us to the floor.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.38,0:16:15.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to find ways to live\Nin the in-between place,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.55,0:16:19.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,managing whatever body\Nand mind we currently have.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.78,0:16:27.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes, all it takes is the ingenuity\Nof a handmade game of Scrabble
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.43,0:16:31.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or finding that stripped-down\Nkind of meaning in the love of family
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.68,0:16:34.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a night on the ballroom dance floor
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.29,0:16:37.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that radical, dangerous hope
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.24,0:16:41.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm guessing will someday\Nlead a teenage girl terrified of bugs
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.38,0:16:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to go camping.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.83,0:16:45.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're able to do that,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:45.72,0:16:49.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you've taken the real hero's journey.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:49.66,0:16:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've achieved what it means\Nto actually be well,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:54.07,0:17:00.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to say, alive in the messiest,\Nrichest, most whole sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.17,0:17:02.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you, that's all I've got.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.95,0:17:05.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.73,0:17:06.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.91,0:17:10.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)