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*TFS* Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 1

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    This is the story about a world of adventure,
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    a sea full of excitement
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    and a man full of dreams
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    and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.
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    My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the
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    [static]
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    Oh, uh, oh yes!
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    I love you, Edward!
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    And I... love you...
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    Bella.
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    Hold on.
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    Who is it?
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    Oh, you know...
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    a real fuckin' vampire!
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    Well, party party party
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    I wanna have a party
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    I need to have a party
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    You better have a party
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    Come on, party party party
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    Ya gotta party hardy
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    I'm gonna have a party
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    Or else you will be sorry
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    Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?
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    OK, master,
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    my name is Seras.
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    And yes, I have the target in sight.
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    Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.
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    If you just give me a second to concentrate I could--
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    She's getting away, she's running!
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    I get it I'm lining up the--
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    Going to miss it! Going to miss it!
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    Just be quiet and let me--
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    Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!
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    There! I took the fucking shot!
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    She's dead, there's blood everywhere!
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    Oh, you're just a treat.
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    Now, I know what you're thinking:
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    "How did all this come about?"
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    Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods.
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    The air was clear, the moon was full.
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    I was dying to sink my teeth into something.
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    Get it?
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    Because I'm a vampire.
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    [laughing]
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    It's funny.
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    So, you came.
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    Too bad you're far too late.
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    What?
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    Everyone else is already dead.
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    Except this little tart.
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    But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
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    Mm-hmm.
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    But first,
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    I'm going to rape her!
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    Nnneat.
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    But before I can do any of that,
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    I'm going to kill you!
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    Oh?
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    See, that would be intimidating, if you were...
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    well, intimidating.
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    Grr, are you mocking me?!
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    Oh, no, no, no, no, no
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    Pfft, yeah!
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    (Shot through the heart!)
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    Well, that should about wrap things up here.
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    Oh, yeah. Forgot about you.
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    Sorry about that whole shooting-you thing,
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    but I know if you look deep into your heart
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    - which is currently all over that tree -
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    you'll find a way to forgive me.
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    Awww, geez, you look like a puppy.
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    A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
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    Christ! Fine! I'll help you!
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    But only because you got nice tits.
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    So, that's your field report?
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    Yup.
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    You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.
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    Yup.
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    You killed a homicidal vampire priest.
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    Dead.
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    And then you turned someone into a vampire,
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    who happened to be a-
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    Big tittied police girl. Yes!
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    It's like I didnt just get through explaining this.
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    Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do.
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    What things? You don't do things.
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    Yes, I do.
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    I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
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    And kill homicidal vampire priests?
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    Very enthusiastic walks.
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    So, that's your field report?
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    Yup.
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    So you broke into the house
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    Yup.
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    and you shot him thirty-six times.
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    Thirty-seven.
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    And took out his partner.
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    To be fair, that was the police girl
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    with the big titties.
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    You need to stop going on walks.
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    And you need to hurry up and hook up
    some god-damned DSL in here!
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    Ugh! Listen,
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    you have an assignment in Ireland.
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    Ooooh!
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    I've never hunted down a leprechaun before.
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    Do you think if I shoot them with my gun
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    Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?
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    Sweet Christ!
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    Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's
    taken over the hospital
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    and bring the police girl with you.
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    Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
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    Ah-ah-ah!
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    None of the sass!
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    Yes, MOM.
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    So what can I do for you,
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    Father O'Malley'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan
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    oh, who is also Italian?
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    Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?
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    Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ
    to the many people of the world,
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    teaching peace and love for all!
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    And-a killing-a vampires?
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    Oh, just try to fucking stop me!
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    And what about...
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    Protestants?
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    Second verse same as the first.
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    Now put me on a plane, so I can put them in a hearse!
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    Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl!
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    This is awesome!
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    You should totally join in!
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    Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here!
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    Just one shot to the head and they explode!
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    It's like House of the Dead, only like...
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    a hundred times more awesome!
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    Ugh, fine!
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    I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards!
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    Can't be that much fun...
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    Oh, fuck the hell, yes!
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    Sweet Black fucking Sabbath!
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    If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra,
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    I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes.
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    Well, kinda like that,
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    only with less symbolism and more
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    my penis in your vagina.
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    [Sniffs]
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    Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.
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    Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church!
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    And what's this?!
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    No little Timmy glued to your crotch?
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    Progress!
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    Ah, and look at what we have here?
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    A bloody heathen!
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    Excuse me,
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    but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire!
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    Ive killed a LOT of people to get this title,
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    I deserve to be called such!
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    Well then, mind if I ask you your name?
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    Only if you give yours first, papist.
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    Fine, I'll give you the courtesy.
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    The name's
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    Alexander Anderson.
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    Aw, fuck all kinds of duck!
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    You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world,
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    you will witness what happens here today
    and you will tell of it later
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    except you won't
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    'cause I'll kill ya!
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    [laughing]
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    Oh, my, brilliant speech...
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    and unoriginal, that's totally from Boondock Saints.
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    What?! No, it isnt!
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    I came up with it a week ago.
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    Whatever. We're here for the vampire.
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    The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.
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    Yeah, yeah, give me a minute.
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    So, what do you want, anyways?
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    The nearest elementary school
    is at least ten kilometers away.
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    It is your corrupt I claim.
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    It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath-
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    Boondock - Saints.
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    Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously.
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    Huh-huh get it?
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    OK, you know what? Fuck it -
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    knife.
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    Knife?
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    Master!
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    Boom!
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    Headshot.
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    Well, now that that's over,
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    how about we go back to my place
    for a bowl of my favourite cereal
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    Count Cho-
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    (Decapitation!)
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    Master!
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    Well, now that that's over,
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    how about we go back to my place
    for a bowl of my favourite cereal
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    Frankenbe-
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    Son of a protestant whore!
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    Well, you know what time it is!
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    See,
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    this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.
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    Police girl,
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    Poli-i-i-ice Girl,
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    you are reading your master's mind!
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    Put my head between your boobs!
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    Now I'm alone
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    The only one I had left was you.
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    Very good!
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    Now the next thing I want you to do is -
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    put me between your legs!
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    God damn it!
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    It's a shame for you lost your head.
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    A careless vampire, who wound up dead.
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    You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize.
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    Too many lies, too many lies.
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    What do I do?!
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    WHAT DO I DO?!
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    I...
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    I could try seducing him
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    Wait, no!
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    I'm not an eight-year old boy! Shit!
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    Say your prayers, wee lass!
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    That girl belongs to me!
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    Well, aren't you the naughty one?
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    Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!
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    What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?
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    I'm a woman.
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    Call yourself whatever you want,
    you crazy protestant bastard.
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    You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.
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    And what part would that be?
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    The part where you're here
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    killing my men!
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    Hua!
    Walgh!
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    I have no idea what chou're on about.
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    I'm just here doin' my job!
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    Killin' vampires 'n' werewolves an' leprechauns.
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    I never actually found one but
    do you think if I cut one open with my knife
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    it would spill out Lucky Charms?
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    Just shut up!
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    Where the hell is Alucard?
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    Oh, him?
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    I killed him!
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    Killed him?
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    Cut off his bloody head!
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    Oh!
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    Well, that's step one
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    what about two through ten?
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    Ah, Christ!
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    You done goofed.
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    How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
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    Fuck you, that's how.
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    You know what? I've had enough of this.
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    To hell with all you dirty heathens!
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    Eat me! Dont forget to write!
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    Oh... oh, my God
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    We survived!
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    Sooo...
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    What?
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    Do I get to go after him?
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    No.
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    Aw, come on!
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    No, and that's final!
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    We've got bigger things to worry about.
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    Whoever's behind these vampire attacks,
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    it has to be some kind of large organized group.
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    Like the Nazis?
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    That would be retarded.
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    Gentlemen...
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    ve...
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    are Nazis!
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    Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
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    Und ve... ve have var!
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    Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
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    Und ve... und ve...
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    [Sneezes]
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    Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Title:
*TFS* Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 1
Description:

Here it is folks!

Episode 1: "Psych, Hitler!"
Cast List:
Alucard - takahata101
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing - Megami33
Police Girl - Nowacking
Alexander Anderson - Hbi2k
Narrator, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan(who is also italian) - Antfish
Walter - Littlekuriboh
Bella - MasakoX
Random nazis - Shadyvox, Littlekuriboh, Antfish, Ezekieru, Kirbopher15
The Major - Lanipator
Luffy, Edward, Evil Homocidal Priest, Dick and Harry, nazi 1, Nazi 2, Nazi 3, Nazi 4. . . . - Kaiserneko
Batman - The GODDAMN BATMAN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Writing: Takahata101, Kaiserneko
editing: kaiserneko (who else!)
more » « less
Video Language:
English
Duration:
11:11

English, British subtitles

Revisions

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