This is the story about a world of adventure,
a sea full of excitement
and a man full of dreams
and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.
My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the
[static]
Oh, uh, oh yes!
I love you, Edward!
And I... love you...
Bella.
Hold on.
Who is it?
Oh, you know...
a real fuckin' vampire!
Well, party party party
I wanna have a party
I need to have a party
You better have a party
Come on, party party party
Ya gotta party hardy
I'm gonna have a party
Or else you will be sorry
Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?
OK, master,
my name is Seras.
And yes, I have the target in sight.
Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.
If you just give me a second to concentrate I could--
She's getting away, she's running!
I get it I'm lining up the--
Going to miss it! Going to miss it!
Just be quiet and let me--
Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!
There! I took the fucking shot!
She's dead, there's blood everywhere!
Oh, you're just a treat.
Now, I know what you're thinking:
"How did all this come about?"
Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods.
The air was clear, the moon was full.
I was dying to sink my teeth into something.
Get it?
Because I'm a vampire.
[laughing]
It's funny.
So, you came.
Too bad you're far too late.
What?
Everyone else is already dead.
Except this little tart.
But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
Mm-hmm.
But first,
I'm going to rape her!
Nnneat.
But before I can do any of that,
I'm going to kill you!
Oh?
See, that would be intimidating, if you were...
well, intimidating.
Grr, are you mocking me?!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no
Pfft, yeah!
(Shot through the heart!)
Well, that should about wrap things up here.
Oh, yeah. Forgot about you.
Sorry about that whole shooting-you thing,
but I know if you look deep into your heart
- which is currently all over that tree -
you'll find a way to forgive me.
Awww, geez, you look like a puppy.
A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Christ! Fine! I'll help you!
But only because you got nice tits.
So, that's your field report?
Yup.
You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.
Yup.
You killed a homicidal vampire priest.
Dead.
And then you turned someone into a vampire,
who happened to be a-
Big tittied police girl. Yes!
It's like I didnt just get through explaining this.
Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do.
What things? You don't do things.
Yes, I do.
I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
And kill homicidal vampire priests?
Very enthusiastic walks.
So, that's your field report?
Yup.
So you broke into the house
Yup.
and you shot him thirty-six times.
Thirty-seven.
And took out his partner.
To be fair, that was the police girl
with the big titties.
You need to stop going on walks.
And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Ugh! Listen,
you have an assignment in Ireland.
Ooooh!
I've never hunted down a leprechaun before.
Do you think if I shoot them with my gun
Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?
Sweet Christ!
Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital
and bring the police girl with you.
Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
Ah-ah-ah!
None of the sass!
Yes, MOM.
So what can I do for you,
Father O'Malley'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan
oh, who is also Italian?
Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?
Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world,
teaching peace and love for all!
And-a killing-a vampires?
Oh, just try to fucking stop me!
And what about...
Protestants?
Second verse same as the first.
Now put me on a plane, so I can put them in a hearse!
Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl!
This is awesome!
You should totally join in!
Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here!
Just one shot to the head and they explode!
It's like House of the Dead, only like...
a hundred times more awesome!
Ugh, fine!
I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards!
Can't be that much fun...
Oh, fuck the hell, yes!
Sweet Black fucking Sabbath!
If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra,
I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes.
Well, kinda like that,
only with less symbolism and more
my penis in your vagina.
[Sniffs]
Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.
Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church!
And what's this?!
No little Timmy glued to your crotch?
Progress!
Ah, and look at what we have here?
A bloody heathen!
Excuse me,
but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire!
Ive killed a LOT of people to get this title,
I deserve to be called such!
Well then, mind if I ask you your name?
Only if you give yours first, papist.
Fine, I'll give you the courtesy.
The name's
Alexander Anderson.
Aw, fuck all kinds of duck!
You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world,
you will witness what happens here today and you will tell of it later
except you won't
'cause I'll kill ya!
[laughing]
Oh, my, brilliant speech...
and unoriginal, that's totally from Boondock Saints.
What?! No, it isnt!
I came up with it a week ago.
Whatever. We're here for the vampire.
The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.
Yeah, yeah, give me a minute.
So, what do you want, anyways?
The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away.
It is your corrupt I claim.
It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath-
Boondock - Saints.
Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously.
Huh-huh get it?
OK, you know what? Fuck it -
knife.
Knife?
Master!
Boom!
Headshot.
Well, now that that's over,
how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favourite cereal
Count Cho-
(Decapitation!)
Master!
Well, now that that's over,
how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favourite cereal
Frankenbe-
Son of a protestant whore!
Well, you know what time it is!
See,
this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.
Police girl,
Poli-i-i-ice Girl,
you are reading your master's mind!
Put my head between your boobs!
Now I'm alone
The only one I had left was you.
Very good!
Now the next thing I want you to do is -
put me between your legs!
God damn it!
It's a shame for you lost your head.
A careless vampire, who wound up dead.
You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize.
Too many lies, too many lies.
What do I do?!
WHAT DO I DO?!
I...
I could try seducing him
Wait, no!
I'm not an eight-year old boy! Shit!
Say your prayers, wee lass!
That girl belongs to me!
Well, aren't you the naughty one?
Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!
What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?
I'm a woman.
Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard.
You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.
And what part would that be?
The part where you're here
killing my men!
Hua! Walgh!
I have no idea what chou're on about.
I'm just here doin' my job!
Killin' vampires 'n' werewolves an' leprechauns.
I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife
it would spill out Lucky Charms?
Just shut up!
Where the hell is Alucard?
Oh, him?
I killed him!
Killed him?
Cut off his bloody head!
Oh!
Well, that's step one
what about two through ten?
Ah, Christ!
You done goofed.
How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Fuck you, that's how.
You know what? I've had enough of this.
To hell with all you dirty heathens!
Eat me! Dont forget to write!
Oh... oh, my God
We survived!
Sooo...
What?
Do I get to go after him?
No.
Aw, come on!
No, and that's final!
We've got bigger things to worry about.
Whoever's behind these vampire attacks,
it has to be some kind of large organized group.
Like the Nazis?
That would be retarded.
Gentlemen...
ve...
are Nazis!
Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
Und ve... ve have var!
Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
Und ve... und ve...
[Sneezes]
Gesundheit! Gesundheit!