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This is the story about a world of adventure,

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a sea full of excitement

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and a man full of dreams

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and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.

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My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the

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[static]

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Oh, uh, oh yes!

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I love you, Edward!

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And I... love you...

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Bella.

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Hold on.

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Who is it?

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Oh, you know...

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a real fuckin' vampire!

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Well, party party party

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I wanna have a party

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I need to have a party

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You better have a party

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Come on, party party party

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Ya gotta party hardy

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I'm gonna have a party

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Or else you will be sorry

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Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?

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OK, master,

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my name is Seras.

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And yes, I have the target in sight.

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Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.

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If you just give me a second to concentrate I could--

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She's getting away, she's running!

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I get it I'm lining up the--

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Going to miss it! Going to miss it!

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Just be quiet and let me--

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Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!

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There! I took the fucking shot!

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She's dead, there's blood everywhere!

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Oh, you're just a treat.

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Now, I know what you're thinking:

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"How did all this come about?"

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Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods.

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The air was clear, the moon was full.

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I was dying to sink my teeth into something.

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Get it?

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Because I'm a vampire.

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[laughing]

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It's funny.

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So, you came.

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Too bad you're far too late.

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What?

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Everyone else is already dead.

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Except this little tart.

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But trust me, I still plan to kill her.

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Mm-hmm.

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But first,

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I'm going to rape her!

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Nnneat.

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But before I can do any of that,

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I'm going to kill you!

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Oh?

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See, that would be intimidating, if you were...

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well, intimidating.

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Grr, are you mocking me?!

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no

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Pfft, yeah!

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(Shot through the heart!)

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Well, that should about wrap things up here.

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Oh, yeah. Forgot about you.

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Sorry about that whole shooting-you thing,

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but I know if you look deep into your heart

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- which is currently all over that tree -

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you'll find a way to forgive me.

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Awww, geez, you look like a puppy.

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A blonde, eviscerated puppy.

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Christ! Fine! I'll help you!

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But only because you got nice tits.

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So, that's your field report?

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Yup.

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You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.

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Yup.

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You killed a homicidal vampire priest.

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Dead.

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And then you turned someone into a vampire,

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who happened to be a-

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Big tittied police girl. Yes!

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It's like I didnt just get through explaining this.

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Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do.

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What things? You don't do things.

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Yes, I do.

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I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.

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And kill homicidal vampire priests?

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Very enthusiastic walks.

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So, that's your field report?

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Yup.

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So you broke into the house

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Yup.

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and you shot him thirty-six times.

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Thirty-seven.

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And took out his partner.

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To be fair, that was the police girl

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with the big titties.

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You need to stop going on walks.

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And you need to hurry up and hook up 
some god-damned DSL in here!

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Ugh! Listen,

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you have an assignment in Ireland.

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Ooooh!

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I've never hunted down a leprechaun before.

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Do you think if I shoot them with my gun

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Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?

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Sweet Christ!

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Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's 
taken over the hospital

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and bring the police girl with you.

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Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!

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Ah-ah-ah!

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None of the sass!

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Yes, MOM.

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So what can I do for you,

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Father O'Malley'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan

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oh, who is also Italian?

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Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?

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Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ 
 to the many people of the world,

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teaching peace and love for all!

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And-a killing-a vampires?

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Oh, just try to fucking stop me!

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And what about...

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Protestants?

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Second verse same as the first.

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Now put me on a plane, so I can put them in a hearse!

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Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl!

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This is awesome!

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You should totally join in!

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Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here!

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Just one shot to the head and they explode!

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It's like House of the Dead, only like...

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a hundred times more awesome!

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Ugh, fine!

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I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards!

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Can't be that much fun...

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Oh, fuck the hell, yes!

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Sweet Black fucking Sabbath!

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If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra,

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I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes.

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Well, kinda like that,

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only with less symbolism and more

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my penis in your vagina.

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[Sniffs]

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Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here.

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Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church!

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And what's this?!

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No little Timmy glued to your crotch?

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Progress!

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Ah, and look at what we have here?

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A bloody heathen!

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Excuse me,

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but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire!

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Ive killed a LOT of people to get this title,

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I deserve to be called such!

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Well then, mind if I ask you your name?

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Only if you give yours first, papist.

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Fine, I'll give you the courtesy.

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The name's

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Alexander Anderson.

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Aw, fuck all kinds of duck!

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You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world,

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you will witness what happens here today 
and you will tell of it later

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except you won't

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'cause I'll kill ya!

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[laughing]

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Oh, my, brilliant speech...

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and unoriginal, that's totally from Boondock Saints.

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What?! No, it isnt!

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I came up with it a week ago.

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Whatever. We're here for the vampire.

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The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.

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Yeah, yeah, give me a minute.

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So, what do you want, anyways?

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The nearest elementary school 
is at least ten kilometers away.

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It is your corrupt I claim.

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It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath-

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Boondock - Saints.

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Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously.

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Huh-huh get it?

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OK, you know what? Fuck it -

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knife.

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Knife?

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Master!

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Boom!

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Headshot.

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Well, now that that's over,

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how about we go back to my place
for a bowl of my favourite cereal 

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Count Cho-

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(Decapitation!)

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Master!

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Well, now that that's over,

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how about we go back to my place
for a bowl of my favourite cereal

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Frankenbe-

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Son of a protestant whore!

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Well, you know what time it is!

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See,

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this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.

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Police girl,

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Poli-i-i-ice Girl,

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you are reading your master's mind!

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Put my head between your boobs!

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Now I'm alone

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The only one I had left was you.

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Very good!

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Now the next thing I want you to do is -

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put me between your legs!

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God damn it!

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It's a shame for you lost your head.

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A careless vampire, who wound up dead.

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You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize.

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Too many lies, too many lies.

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What do I do?!

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WHAT DO I DO?!

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I...

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I could try seducing him

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Wait, no!

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I'm not an eight-year old boy! Shit!

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Say your prayers, wee lass!

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That girl belongs to me!

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Well, aren't you the naughty one?

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Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!

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What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?

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I'm a woman.

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Call yourself whatever you want, 
you crazy protestant bastard.

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You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.

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And what part would that be?

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The part where you're here

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killing my men!

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Hua! 
 Walgh!

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I have no idea what chou're on about.

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I'm just here doin' my job!

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Killin' vampires 'n' werewolves an' leprechauns.

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I never actually found one but 
do you think if I cut one open with my knife

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it would spill out Lucky Charms?

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Just shut up!

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Where the hell is Alucard?

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Oh, him?

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I killed him!

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Killed him?

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Cut off his bloody head!

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Oh!

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Well, that's step one

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what about two through ten?

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Ah, Christ!

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You done goofed.

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How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!

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Fuck you, that's how.

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You know what? I've had enough of this.

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To hell with all you dirty heathens!

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Eat me! Dont forget to write!

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Oh... oh, my God

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We survived!

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Sooo...

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What?

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Do I get to go after him?

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No.

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Aw, come on!

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No, and that's final!

260
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We've got bigger things to worry about.

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Whoever's behind these vampire attacks,

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it has to be some kind of large organized group.

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Like the Nazis?

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That would be retarded.

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Gentlemen...

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ve...

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are Nazis!

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Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

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Und ve... ve have var!

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Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

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Und ve... und ve...

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[Sneezes]

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Gesundheit! Gesundheit!