The price of shame
-
0:01 - 0:06You're looking at a woman
who was publicly silent for a decade. -
0:06 - 0:08Obviously, that's changed,
-
0:09 - 0:10but only recently.
-
0:11 - 0:15It was several months ago that I gave
my very first major public talk, -
0:15 - 0:18at the Forbes "30 Under 30 Summit" --
-
0:18 - 0:221,500 brilliant people,
all under the age of 30. -
0:23 - 0:30That meant that in 1998,
the oldest among the group were only 14, -
0:30 - 0:32and the youngest, just four.
-
0:33 - 0:38I joked with them that some might only
have heard of me from rap songs. -
0:38 - 0:40Yes, I'm in rap songs.
-
0:41 - 0:42(Laughter)
-
0:42 - 0:45Almost 40 rap songs.
-
0:45 - 0:46(Laughter)
-
0:47 - 0:49But the night of my speech,
a surprising thing happened. -
0:50 - 0:56At the age of 41, I was hit on
by a 27-year-old guy. -
0:56 - 0:57(Laughter)
-
0:57 - 0:59I know, right?
-
1:00 - 1:03He was charming, and I was flattered,
-
1:03 - 1:04and I declined.
-
1:05 - 1:08You know what his unsuccessful
pickup line was? -
1:09 - 1:12He could make me feel 22 again.
-
1:12 - 1:16(Laughter)
-
1:16 - 1:19(Applause)
-
1:19 - 1:21I realized, later that night,
-
1:21 - 1:26I'm probably the only person over 40
who does not want to be 22 again. -
1:26 - 1:29(Laughter)
-
1:29 - 1:35(Applause)
-
1:36 - 1:40At the age of 22,
I fell in love with my boss. -
1:41 - 1:43And at the age of 24,
-
1:43 - 1:46I learned the devastating consequences.
-
1:47 - 1:51Can I see a show of hands of anyone here
-
1:51 - 1:55who didn't make a mistake
or do something they regretted at 22? -
1:57 - 2:00Yep. That's what I thought.
-
2:00 - 2:06So like me, at 22, a few of you
may have also taken wrong turns -
2:06 - 2:10and fallen in love with the wrong person,
-
2:10 - 2:11maybe even your boss.
-
2:12 - 2:14Unlike me, though,
-
2:14 - 2:19your boss probably wasn't the president
of the United States of America. -
2:19 - 2:20(Laughter)
-
2:20 - 2:22Of course, life is full of surprises.
-
2:24 - 2:29Not a day goes by that I'm not
reminded of my mistake, -
2:29 - 2:31and I regret that mistake deeply.
-
2:34 - 2:40In 1998, after having been swept up
into an improbable romance, -
2:40 - 2:46I was then swept up into the eye
of a political, legal and media maelstrom -
2:46 - 2:48like we had never seen before.
-
2:49 - 2:52Remember, just a few years earlier,
-
2:52 - 2:55news was consumed from just three places:
-
2:55 - 2:57reading a newspaper or magazine,
-
2:57 - 2:59listening to the radio
-
2:59 - 3:01or watching television.
-
3:01 - 3:02That was it.
-
3:02 - 3:05But that wasn't my fate.
-
3:06 - 3:10Instead, this scandal was brought to you
-
3:10 - 3:12by the digital revolution.
-
3:12 - 3:16That meant we could access
all the information we wanted, -
3:16 - 3:19when we wanted it, anytime, anywhere.
-
3:21 - 3:25And when the story broke in January 1998,
-
3:25 - 3:27it broke online.
-
3:28 - 3:32It was the first time the traditional news
was usurped by the internet -
3:32 - 3:34for a major news story --
-
3:35 - 3:39a click that reverberated
around the world. -
3:41 - 3:43What that meant for me personally
-
3:43 - 3:48was that overnight, I went from being
a completely private figure -
3:48 - 3:52to a publicly humiliated one, worldwide.
-
3:53 - 3:59I was patient zero of losing
a personal reputation on a global scale -
3:59 - 4:01almost instantaneously.
-
4:03 - 4:06This rush to judgment,
enabled by technology, -
4:06 - 4:09led to mobs of virtual stone-throwers.
-
4:10 - 4:13Granted, it was before social media,
-
4:13 - 4:16but people could still comment online,
-
4:16 - 4:18e-mail stories,
-
4:18 - 4:21and, of course, e-mail cruel jokes.
-
4:23 - 4:26News sources plastered
photos of me all over -
4:26 - 4:30to sell newspapers, banner ads online,
-
4:30 - 4:32and to keep people tuned to the TV.
-
4:34 - 4:39Do you recall a particular image of me,
say, wearing a beret? -
4:41 - 4:44Now, I admit I made mistakes --
-
4:44 - 4:46especially wearing that beret.
-
4:46 - 4:48(Laughter)
-
4:48 - 4:51But the attention and judgment
that I received -- -
4:51 - 4:54not the story, but that
I personally received -- -
4:54 - 4:56was unprecedented.
-
4:57 - 4:59I was branded as a tramp,
-
5:00 - 5:02tart,
-
5:02 - 5:03slut,
-
5:03 - 5:05whore,
-
5:05 - 5:06bimbo,
-
5:07 - 5:09and, of course, "that woman."
-
5:11 - 5:13I was seen by many,
-
5:13 - 5:15but actually known by few.
-
5:17 - 5:20And I get it: it was easy to forget
-
5:20 - 5:23that that woman was dimensional,
-
5:23 - 5:25had a soul
-
5:25 - 5:26and was once unbroken.
-
5:29 - 5:34When this happened to me 17 years ago,
there was no name for it. -
5:35 - 5:39Now we call it "cyberbullying"
and "online harassment." -
5:41 - 5:44Today, I want to share
some of my experience with you, -
5:44 - 5:48talk about how that experience has helped
shape my cultural observations, -
5:49 - 5:53and how I hope my past experience
can lead to a change -
5:53 - 5:55that results in less suffering for others.
-
5:58 - 6:03In 1998, I lost my reputation
and my dignity. -
6:04 - 6:06I lost almost everything.
-
6:07 - 6:09And I almost lost my life.
-
6:13 - 6:15Let me paint a picture for you.
-
6:17 - 6:20It is September of 1998.
-
6:21 - 6:24I'm sitting in a windowless office room
-
6:24 - 6:26inside the Office
of the Independent Counsel, -
6:27 - 6:30underneath humming fluorescent lights.
-
6:31 - 6:34I'm listening to the sound of my voice,
-
6:35 - 6:38my voice on surreptitiously
taped phone calls -
6:38 - 6:41that a supposed friend
had made the year before. -
6:42 - 6:45I'm here because
I've been legally required -
6:45 - 6:51to personally authenticate
all 20 hours of taped conversation. -
6:53 - 6:57For the past eight months,
the mysterious content of these tapes -
6:57 - 7:00has hung like the sword
of Damocles over my head. -
7:01 - 7:04I mean, who can remember
what they said a year ago? -
7:06 - 7:09Scared and mortified, I listen,
-
7:11 - 7:15listen as I prattle on about the flotsam
and jetsam of the day; -
7:16 - 7:19listen as I confess my love
for the president, -
7:19 - 7:21and, of course, my heartbreak;
-
7:23 - 7:28listen to my sometimes catty,
sometimes churlish, sometimes silly self -
7:28 - 7:32being cruel, unforgiving, uncouth;
-
7:33 - 7:38listen, deeply, deeply ashamed,
to the worst version of myself, -
7:39 - 7:42a self I don't even recognize.
-
7:45 - 7:48A few days later, the Starr Report
is released to Congress, -
7:48 - 7:53and all of those tapes and transcripts,
those stolen words, form a part of it. -
7:55 - 7:58That people can read the transcripts
is horrific enough. -
7:59 - 8:01But a few weeks later,
-
8:02 - 8:05the audiotapes are aired on TV,
-
8:05 - 8:08and significant portions
made available online. -
8:11 - 8:14The public humiliation was excruciating.
-
8:15 - 8:17Life was almost unbearable.
-
8:21 - 8:26This was not something that happened
with regularity back then in 1998, -
8:26 - 8:32and by "this," I mean the stealing
of people's private words, actions, -
8:32 - 8:34conversations or photos,
-
8:34 - 8:36and then making them public --
-
8:37 - 8:38public without consent,
-
8:39 - 8:41public without context
-
8:42 - 8:44and public without compassion.
-
8:46 - 8:49Fast-forward 12 years, to 2010,
-
8:49 - 8:52and now social media has been born.
-
8:53 - 8:58The landscape has sadly become much
more populated with instances like mine, -
8:58 - 9:00whether or not someone
actually made a mistake, -
9:01 - 9:06and now, it's for both public
and private people. -
9:07 - 9:12The consequences for some
have become dire, very dire. -
9:14 - 9:19I was on the phone with my mom
in September of 2010, -
9:19 - 9:22and we were talking about the news
of a young college freshman -
9:22 - 9:24from Rutgers University,
-
9:24 - 9:26named Tyler Clementi.
-
9:27 - 9:32Sweet, sensitive, creative Tyler
was secretly webcammed by his roommate -
9:32 - 9:35while being intimate with another man.
-
9:37 - 9:39When the online world
learned of this incident, -
9:39 - 9:42the ridicule and cyberbullying ignited.
-
9:44 - 9:46A few days later,
-
9:47 - 9:50Tyler jumped from
the George Washington Bridge -
9:50 - 9:51to his death.
-
9:52 - 9:53He was 18.
-
9:55 - 10:00My mom was beside herself about
what happened to Tyler and his family, -
10:00 - 10:03and she was gutted with pain
-
10:03 - 10:06in a way that I just couldn't
quite understand. -
10:07 - 10:11And then eventually,
I realized she was reliving 1998, -
10:12 - 10:16reliving a time when she sat
by my bed every night, -
10:19 - 10:20reliving -- (Chokes up)
-
10:20 - 10:24sorry -- reliving a time when she made me
shower with the bathroom door open, -
10:25 - 10:29and reliving a time
when both of my parents feared -
10:29 - 10:32that I would be humiliated to death,
-
10:32 - 10:33literally.
-
10:36 - 10:40Today, too many parents
haven't had the chance -
10:40 - 10:43to step in and rescue their loved ones.
-
10:43 - 10:47Too many have learned
of their child's suffering and humiliation -
10:47 - 10:49after it was too late.
-
10:50 - 10:54Tyler's tragic, senseless death
was a turning point for me. -
10:54 - 10:58It served to recontextualize
my experiences, -
10:58 - 11:03and I then began to look at the world
of humiliation and bullying around me -
11:03 - 11:04and see something different.
-
11:07 - 11:10In 1998, we had no way of knowing
-
11:10 - 11:14where this brave new technology
called the internet would take us. -
11:14 - 11:18Since then, it has connected people
in unimaginable ways -- -
11:19 - 11:21joining lost siblings,
-
11:21 - 11:22saving lives,
-
11:22 - 11:24launching revolutions ...
-
11:25 - 11:29But the darkness, cyberbullying,
and slut-shaming that I experienced -
11:29 - 11:30had mushroomed.
-
11:33 - 11:38Every day online, people --
especially young people, -
11:38 - 11:41who are not developmentally
equipped to handle this -- -
11:41 - 11:43are so abused and humiliated
-
11:43 - 11:46that they can't imagine living
to the next day. -
11:46 - 11:49And some, tragically, don't.
-
11:49 - 11:51And there's nothing virtual about that.
-
11:53 - 11:59Childline, a UK nonprofit that's focused
on helping young people on various issues, -
11:59 - 12:02released a staggering statistic
late last year: -
12:04 - 12:10from 2012 to 2013,
there was an 87 percent increase -
12:10 - 12:13in calls and e-mails
related to cyberbullying. -
12:15 - 12:17A meta-analysis
done out of the Netherlands -
12:17 - 12:19showed that for the first time,
-
12:19 - 12:24cyberbullying was leading
to suicidal ideations -
12:24 - 12:27more significantly than offline bullying.
-
12:28 - 12:32And you know, what shocked me --
although it shouldn't have -- -
12:32 - 12:34was other research last year
-
12:34 - 12:39that determined humiliation
was a more intensely felt emotion -
12:39 - 12:43than either happiness or even anger.
-
12:44 - 12:47Cruelty to others is nothing new.
-
12:48 - 12:54But online, technologically
enhanced shaming is amplified, -
12:54 - 12:55uncontained
-
12:55 - 12:57and permanently accessible.
-
12:59 - 13:05The echo of embarrassment used to extend
only as far as your family, village, -
13:05 - 13:06school or community.
-
13:07 - 13:10But now, it's the online community too.
-
13:11 - 13:15Millions of people, often anonymously,
can stab you with their words, -
13:15 - 13:17and that's a lot of pain.
-
13:18 - 13:23And there are no perimeters around
how many people can publicly observe you -
13:23 - 13:26and put you in a public stockade.
-
13:27 - 13:32There is a very personal price
to public humiliation, -
13:33 - 13:37and the growth of the internet
has jacked up that price. -
13:40 - 13:42For nearly two decades now,
-
13:42 - 13:47we have slowly been sowing the seeds
of shame and public humiliation -
13:47 - 13:51in our cultural soil,
both on- and offline. -
13:52 - 13:57Gossip websites, paparazzi,
reality programming, politics, -
13:57 - 14:00news outlets and sometimes hackers
-
14:00 - 14:02all traffic in shame.
-
14:03 - 14:07It's led to desensitization
and a permissive environment online, -
14:07 - 14:12which lends itself to trolling,
invasion of privacy and cyberbullying. -
14:13 - 14:17This shift has created
what Professor Nicolaus Mills calls -
14:17 - 14:20"a culture of humiliation."
-
14:21 - 14:25Consider a few prominent examples
just from the past six months alone. -
14:26 - 14:31Snapchat, the service which is used
mainly by younger generations -
14:31 - 14:36and claims that its messages
only have the life span of a few seconds. -
14:36 - 14:38You can imagine the range
of content that that gets. -
14:39 - 14:45A third-party app which Snapchatters use
to preserve the life span of the messages -
14:45 - 14:46was hacked,
-
14:46 - 14:53and 100,000 personal conversations,
photos and videos were leaked online, -
14:53 - 14:56to now have a life span of forever.
-
14:57 - 15:01Jennifer Lawrence and several other actors
had their iCloud accounts hacked, -
15:01 - 15:05and private, intimate, nude photos
were plastered across the internet -
15:05 - 15:07without their permission.
-
15:07 - 15:11One gossip website
had over five million hits -
15:11 - 15:13for this one story.
-
15:14 - 15:17And what about
the Sony Pictures cyberhacking? -
15:18 - 15:21The documents which received
the most attention -
15:22 - 15:26were private e-mails that had
maximum public embarrassment value. -
15:28 - 15:31But in this culture of humiliation,
-
15:31 - 15:35there is another kind of price tag
attached to public shaming. -
15:35 - 15:39The price does not measure
the cost to the victim, -
15:39 - 15:41which Tyler and too many others --
-
15:41 - 15:46notably, women, minorities
and members of the LGBTQ community -- -
15:46 - 15:47have paid,
-
15:47 - 15:52but the price measures the profit
of those who prey on them. -
15:53 - 15:57This invasion of others is a raw material,
-
15:57 - 16:03efficiently and ruthlessly mined,
packaged and sold at a profit. -
16:03 - 16:09A marketplace has emerged
where public humiliation is a commodity, -
16:09 - 16:11and shame is an industry.
-
16:13 - 16:15How is the money made?
-
16:16 - 16:17Clicks.
-
16:17 - 16:20The more shame, the more clicks.
-
16:20 - 16:23The more clicks,
the more advertising dollars. -
16:25 - 16:27We're in a dangerous cycle.
-
16:28 - 16:31The more we click on this kind of gossip,
-
16:31 - 16:33the more numb we get
to the human lives behind it. -
16:34 - 16:37And the more numb we get,
the more we click. -
16:40 - 16:41All the while,
-
16:41 - 16:45someone is making money off of the back
of someone else's suffering. -
16:47 - 16:49With every click, we make a choice.
-
16:49 - 16:53The more we saturate our culture
with public shaming, -
16:53 - 16:55the more accepted it is,
-
16:55 - 16:59the more we will see behavior
like cyberbullying, trolling, -
16:59 - 17:01some forms of hacking
-
17:01 - 17:03and online harassment.
-
17:03 - 17:09Why? Because they all have
humiliation at their cores. -
17:11 - 17:16This behavior is a symptom
of the culture we've created. -
17:16 - 17:17Just think about it.
-
17:19 - 17:22Changing behavior begins
with evolving beliefs. -
17:23 - 17:26We've seen that to be true
with racism, homophobia -
17:26 - 17:28and plenty of other biases,
-
17:28 - 17:30today and in the past.
-
17:31 - 17:34As we've changed beliefs
about same-sex marriage, -
17:34 - 17:37more people have been offered
equal freedoms. -
17:38 - 17:41When we began valuing sustainability,
-
17:41 - 17:43more people began to recycle.
-
17:43 - 17:47So as far as our culture
of humiliation goes, -
17:47 - 17:50what we need is a cultural revolution.
-
17:50 - 17:54Public shaming
as a blood sport has to stop, -
17:54 - 17:58and it's time for an intervention
on the internet and in our culture. -
17:59 - 18:02The shift begins with something simple,
-
18:02 - 18:03but it's not easy.
-
18:04 - 18:08We need to return to a long-held
value of compassion, -
18:08 - 18:10compassion and empathy.
-
18:11 - 18:14Online, we've got a compassion deficit,
-
18:14 - 18:16an empathy crisis.
-
18:17 - 18:21Researcher Brené Brown said, and I quote,
-
18:21 - 18:23"Shame can't survive empathy."
-
18:24 - 18:29Shame cannot survive empathy.
-
18:31 - 18:33I've seen some very dark days in my life.
-
18:34 - 18:40It was the compassion and empathy
from my family, friends, professionals -
18:41 - 18:43and sometimes even strangers
-
18:43 - 18:44that saved me.
-
18:45 - 18:49Even empathy from one person
can make a difference. -
18:50 - 18:53The theory of minority influence,
-
18:53 - 18:56proposed by social psychologist
Serge Moscovici, -
18:56 - 18:59says that even in small numbers,
-
18:59 - 19:01when there's consistency over time,
-
19:01 - 19:03change can happen.
-
19:04 - 19:07In the online world,
we can foster minority influence -
19:07 - 19:09by becoming upstanders.
-
19:09 - 19:13To become an upstander means
instead of bystander apathy, -
19:13 - 19:18we can post a positive comment for someone
or report a bullying situation. -
19:18 - 19:22Trust me, compassionate comments
help abate the negativity. -
19:23 - 19:27We can also counteract the culture
by supporting organizations -
19:27 - 19:29that deal with these kinds of issues,
-
19:29 - 19:32like the Tyler Clementi
Foundation in the US; -
19:33 - 19:35in the UK, there's Anti-Bullying Pro;
-
19:35 - 19:38and in Australia, there's PROJECT ROCKIT.
-
19:40 - 19:46We talk a lot about our right
to freedom of expression. -
19:46 - 19:49But we need to talk more
about our responsibility -
19:49 - 19:51to freedom of expression.
-
19:52 - 19:54We all want to be heard,
-
19:54 - 19:59but let's acknowledge the difference
between speaking up with intention -
19:59 - 20:02and speaking up for attention.
-
20:03 - 20:06The internet is
the superhighway for the id. -
20:08 - 20:12But online, showing empathy
to others benefits us all -
20:12 - 20:15and helps create a safer and better world.
-
20:16 - 20:19We need to communicate
online with compassion, -
20:19 - 20:21consume news with compassion
-
20:21 - 20:23and click with compassion.
-
20:24 - 20:28Just imagine walking a mile
in someone else's headline. -
20:31 - 20:34I'd like to end on a personal note.
-
20:36 - 20:37In the past nine months,
-
20:37 - 20:41the question I've been
asked the most is "Why?" -
20:41 - 20:42Why now?
-
20:42 - 20:45Why was I sticking my head
above the parapet? -
20:45 - 20:48You can read between the lines
in those questions, -
20:48 - 20:51and the answer has nothing
to do with politics. -
20:51 - 20:56The top-note answer was and is
"Because it's time." -
20:57 - 21:00Time to stop tiptoeing around my past,
-
21:00 - 21:03time to stop living a life of opprobrium
-
21:03 - 21:05and time to take back my narrative.
-
21:07 - 21:10It's also not just about saving myself.
-
21:11 - 21:15Anyone who is suffering from shame
and public humiliation -
21:15 - 21:16needs to know one thing:
-
21:17 - 21:19You can survive it.
-
21:20 - 21:21I know it's hard.
-
21:23 - 21:26It may not be painless, quick or easy,
-
21:26 - 21:30but you can insist
on a different ending to your story. -
21:31 - 21:33Have compassion for yourself.
-
21:34 - 21:37We all deserve compassion
-
21:37 - 21:43and to live both online and off
in a more compassionate world. -
21:44 - 21:45Thank you for listening.
-
21:45 - 21:52(Applause and cheers)
- Title:
- The price of shame
- Speaker:
- Monica Lewinsky
- Description:
-
"Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop," says Monica Lewinsky. In 1998, she says, “I was Patient Zero of losing a personal reputation on a global scale almost instantaneously.” Today, the kind of online public shaming she went through has become constant — and can turn deadly. In a brave talk, she takes a hard look at our online culture of humiliation, and asks for a different way.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 22:26
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Camille Martínez commented on English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Morton Bast edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Morton Bast edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Morton Bast edited English subtitles for The price of shame | |
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Morton Bast edited English subtitles for The price of shame |
Camille Martínez
The English transcript was updated on 8/7/2019.