Singles Dhamma | Ajahn Brahm | 03-01-2014

As those of you who come every 
Friday know, that I often receive

suggestions for the Friday night talk.

Please don't send any suggestions
for the next month or two,

because I've got enough suggestions
to keep me going for a long time.

For this one has been waiting a couple of 
months now.

And that was, they say I often
give a talk about relationships.

But what about those people
who haven't got a relationships?

So this is a talk for the singles,

for those people living by themselves
without a partner,

maybe just one person in a little
apartment or a home or a house.

So, this is like single people
and how to deal with it.

And even if you are in a relationship,

always remember that you were born
by yourself, you will die alone.

Yes. And there may be people
around the bedside,

but you'll have your eyes closed
in the end.

And the last moments of your life,
you will be with yourself.

And many times in your life, you will 
be by yourself.

Of course, being a monk,
I spend most of my time by myself,

but I know how to deal with
being a single.

I know that when I first wake up in 
the morning,

the first person I see is me.

So, I've got into this habits over 
many years, when I wake up in the morning,

I say to myself: “Good morning, me. Nice 
to see you again. Have a wonderful day!”

Because I'm by myself and no one sees me 
saying that, so they don't think I'm crazy.

But why not say that? Because what 
that's doing is if no one else is around,

to say sort of “Good morning” to you,
say it to yourself,

give yourself a boost of happiness.

And the last person I see 
before I go to bed at nights is me.

So, I say “Good night, Ajahn Brahm, have
a great sleep. See you in the morning.”

Now what that actually does, you may
think that's being a bit silly or stupid.

But no, it's, it's using that status of
being a single

and giving it some positive energy.

You're going to go to sleep,
so just wish yourself well.

You would not have believed just
the power that has.

For those of you who don't sleep
well or have bad dreams,

a lot of times it's because before you
go to sleep, you put in bad thoughts,

negative thoughts, you feel upset
at the day and how it's been.

Which is why if you learn a little
bit of meditation,

learn how to let go of the past,

at least whatever has happened to you so 
far during that day,

you can just totally let it go.

I always say that, hopefully
when you go to bed,

when you come into your bed,

how many of you keep your shoes on
when you go into bed?

Sometimes?
Oh, My Goodness me!

Yeah, the house slippers maybe
but not your shoes.

So, you got two shoes.
When you take your shoes off,

the left shoe stands for your past,
the right shoe stands for your future.

Please don't take those two shoes
into bed with you,

the past and the future.

Because if you let go of whatever
has happened so far during the day,

and you let go what's going to
face you in tomorrow,

then at least you can sleep well tonight.

And I keep on saying I don't know why
people worry so much,

because it probably won't happen anyway.
And in fact, it usually doesn't happen.

Everything I was ever afraid of in life 
never happened.

Usually something much worse.

Sometimes something much better as well.

Like I can never really predict
the future.

So just forget about it
and have a good night's sleep.

So just letting go of the past,
letting go of the future,

Just like kids do.

There's been a few kids. She's
just getting ready for bed over there,

and I am going to be talking,
she's not worried about the thing.

So, kids are great. You can learn
so much from children,

they don't carry the past or the future,

which is why they can sleep anywhere,
anytime.

But also, more than that, she's got a dad
next to her and a mum behind her

which means that she feels comfortable,
she feels loved, she feels safe.

So, if you want to have a good night's
sleep, feel comfortable, feel loved,

let go of the past, let go of the future
and be kind to yourself.

A lot of insomnia comes because of fear.

And just being kind, being loved means
you can have a great night's sleep.

So, this is just an introduction to just
being single.

And the point is,
this is a basic Buddhist principle,

which I'm going to start with a
Buddhist principle

and then expand it as to how we can adapt
this to being single or being married,

or being in a threesome or foursome,
I don't care what you do.

The most important thing is
how you do it.

This is basic law of karma.

The Karma… people misunderstand
this in Buddhism…

that karma from your past gives
you the ingredients -

where you are right now, the people
you're with, the body you're in,

the place you're living in,
your finances, your health…,

that's a result of the karma
from the past. Okay,

now that's not the most important part.

That's the past, you can't do
anything with that.

But what are you doing 
with what you've got?

What are you doing with your
ingredients,

that's a Karma of the present. 
That really is important.

So, it doesn't matter what you
have to deal with in life.

How are you dealing with it?
What are you making out of this?

And you know, this sort of a story. This 
is a basic story, the baking a cake,

you have the worst ingredients,
you have the best ingredients -

who makes the best cake?

Who makes the best food, these celebrity 
chefs with the most expensive ingredients,

or the hawkers on the street?
Who makes the best?

Hawkers make the best quite often.
And it was actually,

I told this last time
I mentioned this simile,

it is a classic simile.

There was a cook off between
some celebrity chef in Singapore,

because I was there,
read The Straits Times,

and one of the street hawkers.

And now okay, here's a celebrity chef,
here is the street hawkers,

make a dish, and get the general public 
to judge who makes the best.

They didn´t know,
where the food came from.

The street hawkers, they won -

much more delicious food than
the celebrity chef.

And the reason is, is because 
yes, they didn't have as much training,

They didn't have the best ingredients,
they didn't have these,

these really modern hi-tech kitchens.
But....

they had, what they did
with what they've got was immense.

So, and this was a case in point;

of where is not the ingredients you have 
in your life, but what you make of them

is what the important part of karma is.

So, it doesn't really matter - your boy
or your girl, you're old or young,

whatever race you are, whether
you are gay, transgender, straights,

whether you are monk,
whether you are not celibate,

whether you are this race, or that race,
this religion or that religion,

that is not the point.

The point is what are you doing
with what you've got.

And that's where you see… I don't 
know, if you've got Christmas cards,

they still send me Christmas cards,

I say please don't send me Christmas
cards, call them Buddhamas cards.

So Merry Buddhamas, Ajahn Brahm!
That's okay.

But they send me these cards
and some of these cards

they see they are painted, 
by people with no hands,

they are painted by people's feet.

I can't even paint with my hand

how these people could paint these
masterpieces with their feet is incredible.

And it's just an example of what
can be done with the little you have.

And that really inspires me.

Every time I see someone who's come from
a really, really bad background,

sexually abused, and they say,

“Doesn't matter, I'm gonna make 
something amazing out of this!”

And then make a beautiful life out of it.

It seems sometimes people who come
from incredibly poor backgrounds,

they're racially discriminated against,
and they say

“I don't care. I'm gonna make
something out of this".

And when they do that's really inspiring.

It's inspiring. It's true,
it gives you hope.

No matter what's happened to you
in your life,

you can always make something out of it.

That's a karma of the present moment.

And just to complete that simile
which many of you heard before,

life sometimes gives you shit.
When it does, don´t throw it away.

It's fertilizer.
Dig it under the mango tree.

One year later your mangoes will be 
sweeter than ever.

Because it's mango season now in Perth,
you get so many mangoes.

Where did those mangoes come from?
They came from shit.

So, you must always remember when you 
eat that mango, what fertilized it.

And that's an example of what happens 
is that all the difficulties in life,

if you know how to use them, you can make 
beautiful juicy mangoes out of anything.

Now this is reason why we say

the law of karma is something
which is not fatalistic,

but gives you incredible opportunities -
no matter who you are,

no matter what is going on
in your life so far,

no matter whether you are gifted
with this or you are challenged by

you can't see properly, you can't 
hear properly, it doesn't matter.

What are you doing with it?

Now this is a general principle, you can
make a great life out of almost anything.

Obviously… I won't say that it's
more hard work,

sometimes it's really hard work,
making a good life when you're gifted.

Because many gifted people become
so conceited, and they become lazy.

Basically, they don't have to try 
and put forth effort in life.

Life is just given to them on a plate.

And because they haven't gone through
tough times,

because they haven't had
any struggle in their life,

they become very weak, selfish, conceited.

They don´t work hard enough.

If you have had trouble and difficulties
in life, it's hard work. but my goodness

you get a good result afterwards.

You really become wise and compassionate.
I've seen that.

So going back to singles, it does not
matter whether you're single or married

is how you do it,
how you do being single.

And one of the nice things about
our modern world is

now you can be whatever you want,
you don't have to get married.

You know, just 30, 40 years ago,
if you weren't married,

people thought there's something
terribly wrong with you.

It was a social stigma,

and your parents would just get on your 
back:

“Come on! Get married!”
And you're 30 or 40, or 50,

specially so in Asian countries.

And I just come back from Penang
and from Singapore, and many people

they get a lot of pressure from 
their parents to get married.

You don't have to do that.
It's your choice.

You can live a wonderful life
just being a single,

you have that choice, that right
and that privilege to be single.

However, those people who are single, they
are the ones who want to find a partner.

Those who have a partner
wants to be single.

And this is the problem of life.

We are never satisfied,
we always want something different.

And this reminds me of a story 
which is in my new book

“Good, bad, who knows” available
in the office, if it is still any left.

In that book, I told a story of the
farmer with moldy hay.

A long time ago, this Aussie farmer had
a whole lot of hay,

which was from last year,
which was moldy.

And of course, trying to save costs,

he wanted to give it to his cows before 
he would give them the new hey.

But the cows they knew that was moldy
old hay. So, would they eat any of it?

No, they refuse to eat it.

So, plan number two - let's mix it up
with the good hay, the new hay,

the moldy hay, and the new hay,
mix it all up together

and the cows won't know what's what
and they'll eat it all.

That way he gets rid of the old hay.

And the cows were much smarter
than the farmer,

they just with a nose pushed
the old hay to one side,

pushed the new hay to the other side,
and ate the new hay.

It is just like the kangaroos in
Bodhinyana Monastery in Serpentine.

Because when we go on retreat, we take
food, the food that is given to us,

we got all this food,
the monks give us far too much,

and a lot of time we put the excess food
out for the kangaroos.

Now people might say oh,
that's bad for the kangaroos.

Ask the kangaroos! 
They don't think it's bad, they love it.

As I remember the first time I did that.

You care for the animals, so you give them
some healthy food,

some carrots and lettuce and
some apples and stuff.

But I couldn't believe the first time
I did that,

had this really healthy food there 
for the kangaroos,

they, with their nose, they pushed aside
the carrot, they pushed aside the lettuce,

you know what they went for?
The pizza!

They did! They left all the 
healthy food, they loved pizza.

And I think this is the only kangaroos
in the whole of Australia who get pizza.

The kangaroos in a Buddhist monastery

It is their good karma to be
reborn in a Buddhist monastery.

They get pizza, no other kangaroos
get that.

And they like it, they love it,
so good on them.

And some of those kangaroos
that they know the monks now.

Because the monks are just so kind,
you know, and so sort of gentle.

I remember that happened to me once -

you put your bowl just outside the door,
you just go inside to get something,

and before you know it, the kangaroo
has got his nose in your bowl.

That's your one meal of the day.
And he's getting the first choice -

going to bowl, looking what he wants.

It is nice to be with animals, but anyway.

So the cows pushed aside the hay that
didn´t want and ate the hay they did want.

So, he was still left with all this moldy
hay and didn't know what to do next.

Until he got a brainwave, an insight;
he should have done this to start with.

If ever you go into the countryside,

and you see cows in a field
or sheep in a field, have you ever noticed

there's always a fence around
to keep the cows away from the road.

But the cows or the sheep love putting
their head through the fences.

And eating the grass just on 
the other side of the fence.

You always see that well eaten,
well grazed.

So, what he did?

Very simple solution: he put all the
moldy hay, not in the paddock,

but outside of the paddock.

Away from the fence, but just far enough,

if they really stretch,
they could just get it.

And the moldy hay was gone in a day.

Anything which is forbidden,
anything which you don't know,

anything, which is just on the other side
of your fence.... is very delicious.

I know that people did once say
that hunger is the best sauce.

No, that's not the best sauce.
Being forbidden is the best sauce.

You try that.

If you tell your child "You can't eat 
this", then he'll be very hungry for it.

Anything which is banned and 
forbidden is somehow very tasty.

And I have to tell this story,
I don't know if they're here today,

there was a Malaysian girl here,
married to an Australian guy.

She had been coming here
for so many years

and she realised the great benefit
of what's been taught here,

the meditation, the attitudes, 
the philosophies, the advice

and of course she loved her
husband very much, she thought

if only he could hear some of this or
listen to some of these talks,

he'd love it.

Being an Australian: religion? No way!

He was one of these guys who thought 
religions were just into getting your money,

didn't believe in anything after life,

it's just some old antiquated
sort of culture

whose 'use by date'
was past centuries ago,

so he was just really down
on all religions.

So, when she asked him to come: "No! 
You can go, but I'll go down pub."

So, she asked me, how can I get 
my husband to come to this place?

I said: "Very easy, no problem at all, 
guaranteed 100% or your money back."

You don't pay any money to come in here, 
so it's a very easy guarantee to make.

Even all of the books,
if you buy one of my books,

I always give the money back guarantee.

If you don't like any one of my books,
any book which has got my name underneath,

if you don't like any one of my books,

and I say this in front of the Buddha,
in front of all of you,

you can always ask for your money back.

100% guarantee,
if you don't like any of the books,

you can always ask for your money back.

You won't get it back,
but you can always ask,

(laughter from the audience)

so I don't lie.

So, I told this girl,
"Buy one of my books,

take it home and tell your husband,
as soon as you get in the door, say

darling, this is a Buddhist book,
it's a holy book, keep your hands off it,

you're not allowed to read it."

That's all, very quick, and of course 
you know what's going to happen next.

A couple of days later she was
out shopping or something,

he was at home, you know what
an Australian guy thinks,

"What does she mean,
I can't read this book!"

So, he picked it up and read
the first story

and he didn't finish until he put it down

he didn't put it down until he finished.
Read the whole book, one sitting,

and he started coming.
I don't know if he's here today,

but that actually works.

So, if you want something, tell your kid
if he's not doing well at school,

you're forbidden to do
homework next year.

Don't do that, the kids 
are much smarter than I am.

That's what happened with the cows.
Because it's the other side of the fence,

it always looked more delicious.

That's being a single or being married.

If you're single, you always think that 
once I get a partner, then I'll be happy.

It's the old thing of the unknown
on the other side of the fence

being a bit more delicious or
a bit more fun.

But it's not, just ask people
who are married

before you want to go and find somebody.

Just ask, do a survey,
listen to all the jokes about marriage,

one of my favourite marriage jokes
is about this couple here in Perth.

When they were courting,
when they were going out together,

he would always hold her hand,
all the time.

After 30 years of marriage,

he still holds her hand.
Isn't that sweet?

When he was going out with her, 
he'd hold her hand out of love.

After 30 years of marriage, he 
holds her hand out of self-defence.

(laughter)

Now why are you laughing?

Because you can recognize the
truth of that sometimes.

It's not always true.

So, when you start thinking about it,

there had been some very
happy marriages,

they have some wonderful
times together,

there's a lot of happiness in marriage.

Sometimes people ask me, is it 
okay for Buddhists to get married?

Is it a spiritual cop-out when you're 
supposed to be having no attachments?

It is sort of 50-50,

yeah when you get attached to somebody,
but you also have to let go of

what you want to do when you get married.
It's always a sort of

letting go of control,
letting go of your choices.

When you're single, you can come and go
wherever you want, whenever you want,

but when you're married,
you've got another person to think about.

So, there is always a 'letting go'
when you have a relationship.

So, there is a spiritual benefit 
of having a relationship.

There's also the benefit
of being single as well.

Being single, you don't have so much
responsibilities and attachments.

So there's benefit either way.

So again, you can't say that 
one is better than another.

All you can actually say is what you do
with being single,

or what you do with being
in a partnership.

Again, it's always what you make of it.

That's the law of karma.

I know sometimes in life, those of
you in a relationship,

sometimes it just happens.

A lot of you don't plan these things,
you just meet someone

and then one thing leads to another
and the next thing,

you've just got your handcuffs on.

Those are called the rings,

I call them handcuffs, or finger cuffs.
But then you're married together.

So, a lot of times, have you not 
noticed that life is not planned?

You don't actually go decide,
I'm going to go out today

and I'm going to meet the love of my
life and I'm getting married.

If you do, it doesn't work.
It just happens.

At for being single,
you can't just plan,

oh I'm going to be single, or I'm
going to...

Just like me being a monk.
I never planned being a monk.

Just woke up one morning, had no hair, 
and had brown robe…, how did that happen?

Sometimes what happens in life is just
a series of events, almost meant to be.

Not really meant to be, but you can 
see it was just totally out of control.

That's a nice thing to understand, 
it's a deeper teaching of Buddhism.

Life is out of control.

So take it easy, don't worry, 
it's all out of control.

If it was in your control, then 
you have a lot to worry about.

It's what His Holiness the Dalai Lama
once said,

only worry about things
you can make a difference with.

If there's something you can do,

then fair enough,
put forth some effort and do it.

But a lot of times you can't do anything,

so why worry about something
you cannot do anything about?

A lot of times that's your life,
it just happens, or it doesn't happen,

you can't do much about it.

So just enjoy the journey.

If the journey means you're going
to be together with a couple,

if your journey means you're
just going to be single,

just make the most of it.

And so, if you are single,

the first thing is
don't feel that you're missing out.

People ask me that, I've been
a monk almost 40 years now,

do you think you've missed out on life?

I said, I've missed out, I have missed out

on having to get up early and go to work
in the traffic every Monday morning.

I've missed out on being woken up
in the middle of the night

by this little being screaming
their head off.

I'm talking about the wife.

You thought it was a baby, didn't you?

It's not a case you've missed out.

In all of life if you miss something,
you gain another thing,

it's all pretty even in life
no matter what happens.

But the point is do you really want
to be somewhere else;

or are you just happy being single?

Now that's the most important
part of Buddhism.

This is my simile of the
freedom and the prison.

I often usually talk about this during 
retreats, not here on a Friday night.

But freedom and being in a 
prison, what's the difference?

I've been in many prisons, helping out,
teaching, looking after the prisoners,

teaching them how to meditate.
I always love telling the story.

The first time I went to give a talk
on meditation in one of the prisons

here in Western Australia.

It was the old Canning Vale Jail, I think 
it's now called Heiky or whatever it's called,

But anyway, I gave a talk there on
meditation and I was really so impressed.

There was about 110 prisoners
in those days,

maybe 30 years, yeah about 30 years ago,

and about 105 turned up for my talk.

I got about 95% of the prison population 
coming to my talk on meditation.

I just couldn't believe just how 
interested these people were.

And so, if they're going to come to my 
meditation class,

I'm going to really come and teach you
as best I possibly could.

So, I really started teaching
about meditation.

After five minutes, one of the prisoners
put his hand up,

stood up to ask a question,

interrupted me right in the
middle of my talk,

but if you saw this guy, he was
about six foot across the shoulders,

tattoos, scars, really a big guy.

When someone like that asks you a
question, you say, ,

yes what do you want to ask?

His question, he was one of the leaders,
one of the gang leaders inside the prison.

He became a very good friend
after many weeks,

always wonder what happened to him.
But anyway, he stood up and he said,

is it really true that through meditation
you can levitate and fly over walls?

And then I realized why all these 
prisoners had come to my meditation class.

This is not a joke, this happened.

When I said maybe after maybe 30 or 40
years of meditation,if you're very gifted,

maybe one or two of you could
do that after so many years,

when I went back next week, only three
people turned up.

(laughter)

You've get some great
experiences as a monk.

But on this one occasion, I'll tell it in 
brief, because there was one of our monks

went to teach in Khajurina Jail.

After a few weeks, they liked him
very much.

They asked him as he was about to leave,
can't you stay for another half an hour?

We'll get you a cup of tea.

We want to ask you about life as a monk?
What do you do?

He gave them all the story about life 
in Bodhinyana Monastery, Serpentine.

Getting up at four o'clock -
it's optional,

you can always get up earlier if you want to.

Just eating a tiny breakfast, 
which is what we eat there.

Just one meal a day, all in one bowl,
everything gets mixed up.

Yes, only just a few weeks ago I had
strawberry ice cream on my spaghetti.

It all gets mixed up.

Did you say yuck?

How many people went, ugh, that was 
just strawberry ice cream on spaghetti.

Have you ever had strawberry 
ice cream on spaghetti?

Have you?

You don't know what you're 
talking about when you go yuck.

Actually, you're quite true, it is yucky, 
it's terrible,

but that's what you have to do.

They were saying, even in solitary confinement 
you get a little tray with compartments.

No, we don't have any compartments in 
our bowls, it all goes together.

You can't play any sport, there's no sex, 
you can't play cards, no TV, no movies,

just meditate all day and go to bed on 
the floor, I sleep on the floor.

It actually is an ascetic place
by many standards.

Those of you who've stayed in
Bodhinyana Monastery,

or even the Nun's 
Monastery, it's quite austere.

It certainly is more austere than 
staying in a prison here in Australia.

And when they heard this,

one of the prisoners, totally
forgetting where they were,

said this remarkable phrase
which we always remember,

when he heard how bad the conditions
were in the monastery

where their monk they had got 
to like was staying,

one of the prisoners blurted out

"That's terrible in your place! Why 
don't you come and stay with us instead?"

(laughter)

He was invited into jail.

And they had a point.

If I went to jail, I could watch TV and
have three meals a day, four meals a day,

be able to play sport, have great fun in there.

So, I'm not afraid of going to jail,

that would be like holiday for a monk.

And I often tell, if ever I wanted to
have a retreat, just be by myself

for a couple of months,
do some meditation,

punch a prison officer,
two months solitary,

and I would have a wonderful time.

But why is it a big waiting 
list in Bodhinyana Monastery?

What's the waiting list now?
Is it 16, 17? Something like that..

17 people waiting for the chance
to get in and become a monk.

Is there a waiting list of 
people trying to get into jail?

There's a lot of waiting lists
trying to get out?

So, I said, what is a prison?

It's very clear from that little story,

a prison, it doesn't matter how austere,
how painful, how uncomfortable it is.

If you want to be there,
it's not a prison anymore.

If you want to be somewhere else, 
even if it's very comfortable,

it's luxurious, comfortable,
you have all these gizmos,

if you don't want to be there,
it is a prison.

The only difference between freedom
and being in prison

is whether you want to be there
or whether you want to be somewhere else.

And that's what we mean by being single.

If you're happy being single,
then you're free.

If you want to be somewhere else, the 
state of being single is a prison for you.

Same if you're in a marriage you hate,
and you want to sort of separate,

you want to be by yourself again,

then your marriage is a prison for you.

We have so many prisons we make in life.

Some of you are very sick with 
cancers or other problems.

Are you happy being there or do 
you want to be somewhere else?

All of you who are getting old like me, 
is your old age a prison or is it freedom?

If you're happy being old,
you feel so free.

If you want to be somewhere else
or something else

you have made another prison for yourself.

We all make so many prisons in life.

Any place you don't want
to be becomes a prison.

Even if you're sitting here and
you want to be somewhere else,

you've heard this before,

you want to go somewhere else,
this place here, this hall,

this Buddhist centre becomes
your prison for you.

It's not a case of how austere life is
or how difficult it is being single,

it's everything to do with

whether you want to be here, or
whether you want to be something else.

Which is why if you're single,

if you want to be happy,
just be single, enjoy it.

It's wonderful, it's just like people
being sick.

Sickness is a prison
when you don't appreciate it.

Sickness means you don't have to
go to work.

People pamper you,
you can get special food,

you can actually even get breakfast in bed

if you've got a good partner who's
nice to you.

So sometimes, be careful though,
if you pamper your partner too much,

they won't want to get better.

They like being sick.

There's one of the ladies who came to
my monastery today, I'll never forget,

her father... I went to go and
see him in the hospice

over in Murdoch in St John of God.

He was lung cancer, I forget 
what it was, but he was dying.

But you know in the hospice,
they looked after him so well,

for years having cancer, there's so
many foods he was not allowed to eat.

But in the hospice they say, you're dying,
you're going to be dead soon

so you can eat whatever you want.

You don't have to worry about cholesterol
and diabetes and stuff like that

because you're dying.

They said it was wonderful.

For the first time in about three or four 
years, he could eat his fish and chips,

he could eat whatever he wanted, he
hadn't been able to have that for years.

And so, once he started eating 
all this food he really liked,

he started to get better.

After a couple of weeks, he was released.

True. He died later on, but he had such
a wonderful time in the hospice,

being so free to eat whatever
he wanted, that actually he got better.

Isn't that telling you something?

So, a lot of times it's do you want to be 
here, or do you want to be somewhere else?

Okay, you're single, so 
look at the benefits of it.

Don't look on the grass on the other side 
of the fence and that stuff,

that's what I want.
So make the best of being single.

It does sometimes happen,
you can't have plans,

sometimes you just meet somebody,

just go out together.

Now that happens many times,
life is out of control.

I remember many times, these guys
have come to Bodhinyana Monastery,

I'm the abbot there, they say,

"This is it, I really want to become
a monk now, I've left the world."

And so, they stay there for a few months,
then they say,

"Right before my ordination, I'm going
home just to tie up a few loose ends."

Two weeks later, get the letter saying,

"I'm not going to become a monk, I met this
wonderful girl and we've fallen in love."

And that's the last I hear from them.

And they're not making that 
up, it just happens in life.

So sometimes, all the plans you have,
forget all the plans,

okay I'm going to be single,
I'm going to be single forever,

oh God, what am I going to do with this?

Just enjoy it.

Or sometimes I'm going to go out
looking for Mr. Right,

if you do find Mr. Right, you will find
you always have arguments

because he's always right,
that's why they call him Mr. Right.

So, you're always going to have 
a lot of trouble, whatever way.

So you have single person's suffering, 
just learn how to enjoy it.

But of course, the biggest problem
with being single is that

sometimes people do actually feel lonely.

Now this is a problem that they think they
need someone to share their life with.

You have someone to share your life with,
and of course that is yourself.

And this is the only reason why people
who are single have suffering.

It's because they haven't got a friend.

And I mean they're not a friend
to themselves.

That's why one of the reasons I am a monk,

I've lived in solitude for a long time.

My record was six months over in
Bodhinyana Monastery in Serpentine

where I never saw or spoke to a
human being in six months.

Just total solitude.

People say, "You know, you go crazy!

Don't you feel lonely?"
I never felt lonely,

because there was always someone
there: Me....I was there.

And I have a good relationship with me,

actually quite like me,

sometimes I tell myself jokes,
I actually laugh at my own jokes.

(laughter)

They're funny, why not?

So, you have a good relationship
with yourself

which means you are always
with your best friend.

Who that is?

It's me.

Some jokes I haven't got the nerve to say 
yet, just one came to my head,

but that's going a bit too far, I'm 
going to get into big trouble.

Okay it's already in here,
so it's coming out,

if you want to sort of put your
hands over your kids’ ears,

please do so,

about the guy who was in the pub,
drowning in his sorrows

"What's going on?"

He said, "I had an early morning
off work,

and I caught my wife in bed
with my best friend."

"So what did you do?"

"I told my wife, that's it, 
pack your bags, get out."

"What did you do for your best friend?"

"I looked at him and said:
Bad dog, bad dog!"

(laughter)

Best friend…

If you don't want to come here next week,

if I'm banned, that's wonderful,

then I can have a nice rest in
Bodhinyana Monastery,

I always tell people

that I really want to upset enough
people so I can be left alone

and live a life as a nice quiet monk.

It doesn't seem to work, the more
outrageous I become,

the more people want to come
and listen to more of the same.

So anyway, I've got a good relationship
to myself,

which means when I'm by myself, I'm
quite happy and quite content.

That's the difference between solitude
and some isolation or being alone,

feeling that there's something wrong,

it's just the relationship you
have with yourself,

whether you like yourself or not.

Whether you can say forgive yourself.

A long time ago, I forgave myself for
telling bad jokes and the reason is,

I worked it out, why do I tell bad jokes,
and it was because

my father told bad jokes when 
I was young, he conditioned me.

And because he conditioned 
me, it's just brainwashing, that's all.

I've got those bad joke genes in me
from my father, and it's absolutely true,

I still remember, you know this story,
this joke about now telling bad jokes,

here comes the next one,

I remember when he told me this
joke about what fun does a monk have?

What fun does a monk have, and the answer 
was, this is my father, not me,

he said what fun does a monk have,
the answer is none/Nun.

(laughter)

That's not true, we are
very good monks in Bodhinyana Monastery,

but that was from my dad, OK?

So that just gets into your consciousness 
and that's who you are,

so I don't blame myself,

which means that I'm not going to 
feel guilty for telling terrible bad jokes

in a holy place like this.

Now, do you make mistakes?
You may have done really bad choices and

done things wrong,
what do you do with that?

If you feel guilty, if you feel negative,

then you get into this punishment thing,

and this punishment thing is,
I don't deserve

happiness, freedom, peace,
I don't deserve a relationship.

Look, there's a lot of people out there
who are single,

cannot get a relationship simply

because they psychologically 
destroy any possibility of happiness

because they think they don't
deserve to be happy.

Which is why if you have a look at
that book, Good, Bad, Who Knows,

one of the other things
you see there is the happiness license.

You know there are so many people who
think they don't deserve to be happy,

and they respect me a lot, so I decide to
give them a happiness license.

On a nice headed note paper, signed by 
me, it says something like,

'I hereby give blah blah blah,

I hereby give..', who can I say
who deserves to be happy?

Who's really miserable these days?
I may say, we're going to get into

trouble again…, Mr. Putin, in Russia!
'I hereby give Vladimir Putin,

the President of Russia,
permission to smile.'

(laughter)

I've never seen him smile, 
have you seen him smile?

I'm going to get the KGB after 
me this evening, I don't know…

But anyway, I give permission
for someone to be happy, and signed by me,

and they respect me enough to they
take that, and they put it on their wall,

and they realize I deserve to be happy.

It's okay when happiness comes,
when success comes,

when I have a relationship, I'm not
going to destroy it because of some guilt,

which I've.. something I've done
years and years and years ago.

Ask any psychologist, a happiness licenses
from someone you really respect

are very powerful.

So that's one of the reasons you haven't
got a good relationship with yourself,

which is why when you are alone,
you just can't stand it,

and when you do try and get a
relationship, you bust it up,

as if you're destroying any possibility of
happiness and success for yourself in life.

So that's the next thing to look out to,

have you done anything wrong in your life?
If you've done anything wrong,

join the club of humanity,
that we've all done big mistakes.

There's another thing in that book,
I brought my three biggest mistakes,

or three mistakes which I can remember,

the ones I haven't shot 
to the back of my mind with denial,

but these are the ones which,
some mistakes which you make in life,

what was one of those mistakes?

Oh, I think I told this in Singapore
the other day, when I was really tired,

I do get tired because I work
really hard,

and I was doing a wedding blessing,

you know, doing a traditional
chants for weddings in Buddhism,

because I was tired, I did the funeral
chant instead of the wedding chant.

Got it wrong.

And they didn't understand, 
they just heard this Sanskrit

Pali chant, they didn't 
know what I was chanting.

So that's what I've done. But you know the
amazing thing is they're still together;

(laughter)

it didn't really matter.

So you all make mistakes,
these stupid things,

but I'm not 
going to punish myself,

I'm going to tell everybody, because it
makes people laugh

when you make mistakes and tell them.

you're a human being.

And that's wonderful. So please,
please celebrate your mistakes in life.

don't feel guilty about them, don't 
punish yourself for them,

which means as a single person you can
have a good relationship with yourself.

And of course that little story of
Opening the Door for your Hearts,

that has to happen to each one of you,

soon or later, whether you're single, 
whether you're with a partner, old, young,

please, sooner or later,
and sooner is better than later,

in a nice quiet place, in your
favourite place in the world,

a place you feel comfortable
and safe and loved,

please tell yourself,

"Whatever I have done, everything and
anything, by body, by speech

or even thought,

which has hurt someone else,

or hurt myself,

the things which I'm really ashamed of,

I forgive them.

The door of my heart is open
to all of me."

Not just the part you like,
not just the part you're proud of,

but the part you'd rather never have done.

Open the door of your heart to all of you.

And somebody told me that they were
doing that to themselves

when I was in Penang,

and they saw the images of themselves,

the same face, the same hair,
the same usual figure and clothes,

but all dark and lonely, rejected,
the part of themselves which had

always been kept out of their own hearts,

because you're ashamed of that.

And they imagined the staircase,
a ladder, from down there

into their heart, into their chest,

and these little guys walking up
and coming home,

and just their image of themselves
hugging these people,

part of you, your history, your past,
which had always kept outside.

As soon as they could do that,
the whole of themselves got united,

they felt they were united at last.

And all of that self-hate,
the sense of guilt,

the part of themselves which they
rejected, totally vanished,

which meant when they were by themselves,

they were perfectly content
and happy.

When they were with other people,

they weren't afraid of having
happiness and love.

But they had to do that first.

If you cannot be a friend to yourself,

if you cannot be single
and love being single,

you're never going to have any
real hope of having a relationship.

If you've got no relationship
with yourself,

how on earth can you have a relationship
with others?

Your relationship with others will 
just be an escape, a running away.

Relationship is about facing, 
being with, not running away from.

You find that if you have that 
beautiful relationship with yourself,

whether you're by yourself or
with others, you're as happy both ways.

So, when you are single,
just check that out.

And it doesn't matter if you are married,

you're in a big family,

you're all going to find some time
when you are single.

When your partner dies, when they go 
overseas for a while,

there's always those times when
you're single.

And even those people who are single,

there'll be always those times
you're with somebody else.

You know, life is not just one extreme.

You always have many hours
of your life by yourself,

many hours of your life
in the company of others.

If you get being single right, then
being with others is just so, so easy.

Look at me,
because I'm supposed to be a hermit,

I'm supposed to be a monk,
I'm supposed to be living in my cave,

meditating, becoming wise and powerful
and whatever you expect of a monk.

But I end up just spending 
so much time with you guys,

just what am I doing?
I never really wanted to do that.

When I was young, remember this story,
here we go,

I was four years as a monk,
no five years as a monk,

looking for a place for solitude,
went up to the north of Thailand.

This was 36 years ago,
the north of Thailand,

I found this really secluded monastery,

these lovely caves,
having a wonderful time there,

until they had a big celebration,
it was Vesak Day.

So, all these people from the surrounding 
villages and towns came to this monastery.

And I didn't mind people being around

if they wanted to ask some questions
about Buddhism or meditation,

but you know they 
never asked any questions about that.

They just came up to me, because I was
one of the first westerners they'd seen,

let alone a western monk,

so they all came up to me and said,
"What country are you from?

What does your mother and father do?
How many brothers have you got?

Why did you become a monk?"

It's okay, you're kind enough to
answer those questions,

but there's nothing really serious.

When about thirty people have come up
and asked you that same question,

you get a bit pissed off.

So, what did I do?

How to escape?
I need to go to the toilet.

People always let you go ... well not
always, but sometimes they do.

So, I went off to the toilet, and 
of course I never came back again.

I went to my hut, I got a flashlight,
I got a bottle of water,

and then I went into one of the caves,

the deepest cave in these
limestone mountains,

maybe about forty or fifty metres deep.

but the air was okay in the bottom.

You had to go up a little ladder,
cross this and cross that,

and go round these winding
little chambers

until you came to the very, very end,

it was so quiet in there.

So, I sat down there,
at last I could have some solitude.

About ten minutes,
that's all the solitude I had.

Because what happened next?
I could hear people coming.

What had happened was,
the abbot was giving a sermon,

really boring, no jokes,
they got fed up, so they said,

let's go and explore the caves.

And they decided to explore 
my cave, really unfair.

But I almost got away with it,

because I saw them come,
I saw the light,

they had one of these little oil lamps,

and as they came close enough,
I could see the light getting lighter

and lighter, and I was sitting
at the end of the chamber,

maybe about twenty metres
from where the bend was,

and one of these men put their head
around, and they walked around

and they saw me,

and they immediately ran back.

And I could understand them, 
because they were saying,

"There's a ghost at the end of
the cave!"

(laughter)

They thought I was a ghost, and 
I thought, yes, I've escaped!

And I could hear them arguing,

“It can't be a ghost, yes there is a
ghost, I saw it.

No, there can't be, yes, it is!”

And so, two people, they pulled
their heads around,

and then they sort of started talking,
it's not a ghost, it's a western monk,

no it's a ghost, no it's a western monk,
no it's a western monk!

And then I realised I'd lost.

And about these twenty people
came up to me,

and they sat down in front of me, and they
said, "What country are you from?

(laughter)

What does your father do, what does your 
mother do, why did you become monk…"

Oh god! And I realised from that time,
you cannot escape.

So, you just let it happen.
All my plans have never worked.

So, you don't make plans, you 
just adapt as things happen.

So, you're single, and your 
plan is to get married.

It doesn't happen,
something else happens,

you're married, and you want to
get single, it doesn't happen.

So just go with the flow
and stop planning,

enjoy whatever stage of this life
you're at.

Married, single, in a threesome, whatever 
you're at, just no plans, just enjoy.

As long as it's within everybody knows, 
and you're not deceiving anybody.

So, whatever it is, what you 
make of it is the most important.

If you want to be somewhere else,

if you want to get that hay
on the other side of the fence,

it's always mouldy.

So just be where you are,
enjoy what you have.

You can always make amazing mangoes out 
of the most disgusting stuff in life.

Then you know

It's not about being single,
it's not about being married,

that's not the problem.

What are you doing about it?
How are you using this?

What are you making out of this?
Which means you have full opportunity,

whatever situation you are in life,

to grow, and even to get happiness.

Even if you are in prison, 
even if you have got cancer,

if you've got some disease.

Look at that Stephen Hawking in Cambridge,
the great scientist, wheelchair bound.

Just look what he's doing with his life.

So, remember that. It's not 
the situation you are in,

but what you make of it.

Which gives you full freedom to be happy,

no matter whether you are single,
married or whatever.

Thank you for listening.

Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu...

OK Very good.

Okay, somebody went to my party
on New Year's Eve.

Okay, so have we got any questions?

Any questions from here first of all 
about being single or being married?

Okay, these are from overseas.

Here we go, from Sydney,
Malaysia and London.

First of all, from Sydney,

What advice can you give to a
non-Buddhist dating a Buddhist

and can the relationship be a success?

Of course, it can be a success.

In Singapore,
there is a disciple of mine,

he is a Buddhist, he is married to a
Muslim girl in Singapore

and this is no joke, they've 
got two children, one is a Christian,

the other one is a Hindu.

Absolutely true, father a Buddhist,
wife a Muslim,

one son a Christian,
another son a Hindu

and for years I've been telling them to
please have another child,

have a Jew and get the full set.

(laughter)

Because it's not whether you are a
Buddhist, a Muslim, an atheist

or whatever, it's what you do with that.

And of course, you know I'm a Buddhist,

there are some Buddhists who are just not
nice people to be around.

They are just too boring,
just too not smiling,

not enjoying their life,
not gaining any depth in their meditation,

always telling other people what to do.

I've known Buddhists like that,
are they good Buddhists?

And Christians, I know Christians 
who are just trying to convert everybody,

I've also known Christians who can 
be good friends, Muslims as well.

So, it's not whether you are a Muslim,
a Buddhist or a Christian,

it's just what you make of your religion,

that's the most important.

So don't just think I'm a Buddhist,

I am better than everybody else.
I've got the right religion,

all you guys over there you've 
got the second-class religion,

not like Buddhism.

And out of Buddhism,
Theravada Buddhism,

we've got the real original Buddhism,

not that Mahayana
and Tibetan stuff with all the rituals,

we've got the very best.

And Theravada Buddhism,
the forest tradition,

we are the real tradition, not those guys
who just watch TV's in the villages.

And of the forest tradition, 
Ajahn Brahm tradition,

that is the best!

All these other forest traditions,
they don't know what they are doing!

People actually do that, you know, 
they think that they are the very best.

And isn't there something wrong with that?

So, it's not whether you call yourself
a Buddhist, it's what you do with that.

Whether you are kind,
compassionate, peaceful,

a person who is generous and kind,
virtuous,

those are the qualities, not the names.

So, dating a Buddhist, I don't care,
non-Buddhist dating a Buddhist,

is that one kind person
dating another kind person.

If it's two kind persons,
two virtuous persons dating each other,

go for it.

Not the name, but the qualities.

From Malaysia, my relatives keep telling
me that my parents gave me life,

therefore I must get married
and have babies,

otherwise I am being selfish.

Please advise.

Sounds like your parents 
are being selfish, not you.

Your parents gave you life,

but remember according to the
stream of consciousness of Buddhist ideas,

if you hadn't got reborn in your parents' 
womb, you got reborn in some other womb.

So, the parents never gave you life, 
you had life before you were born.

Your parents gave you a room in 
their womb to rent for nine months.

And they gave you a house to live in, 
and education, they gave you a lot!

But you also gave them
a lot.

When you have a child, you want a child, 
you get so much fun out of a child.

So, it's not just the one way,

Parents: I gave everything to you, you
never gave me anything back in return,

of course the kid gives you a lot of love
and kindness and happiness

back in return.

So now you've left home,

you've left home, you've left home.
Your parents should let you go.

Be like the birds, the birds are wise,

they sit on their eggs
with sore bottoms for days,

and then they just work really hard
feeding the little chicks

when they're hatched soon and they
teach the little babies how to fly,

and as soon as the birds can fly,
their mum and dad is off.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Once you've looked after your 
kids, they've gone to university,

now they've got the degrees,
they've got their jobs,

get out, out, out, out, out.

But what do your mothers do?

No, I like having my son around.

It's still a problem.

So no, you don't have to 
get married and have babies.

One of the biggest problems,

people are very keen on looking after
this planet earth,

we all know that one of the biggest 
problems on planet earth is overpopulation.

You just see, I've only been here
for 30 years in Perth,

but just the growth in all the suburbs.

When I first came here with Ajahn Jagaro, 
we used to go,

it just wasn't that far off,

we were just out in the bush, we could 
have a walk by the beach,

no one was around.

And now I think that's probably 
where Hillary's is now.

This is just totally empty,

and now you have to go a long way
to get any sort of solitude.

How much more can we actually grow?
We have to sort of stop somewhere,

and that means not having so many babies.

So, you can say you are doing your best
for the planet by not having any babies.

You're not being selfish;

you're sacrificing yourself for the
future sustainability of Mother Earth.

From London, if I'm always content
with whatever state I'm in,

i.e. being single or attached,
doesn't that mean I'll be too passive

to make changes that could have
actually improved my life?

What do you mean improve your life?

Sometimes we always want to improve our 
lives, and what happens, we make it worse.

So sometimes, can't you be 
content with the life you have?

Sometimes you improve it,
and it makes it worse.

So sometimes we're always into
improving too much,

and not being grateful and being
respecting what we already have.

There's too much improving going on,
and not enough appreciation.

You people who are married, do 
you want to improve your husband?

Would you like to improve him?

If I could give you a magic potion,

"take one of these every day,
and your husband will be improved",

would you be interested?

Take this magic potion and 
your wife will be improved.

What's an old joke about this guy, never 
been to a city before in his life,

and he went to one of these big shopping
centres with his wife, he's in his 70s,

and he saw an elevator for the
first time in his life.

He never knew what an elevator was.

So, he saw this old woman going
in this elevator,

the doors closed, the numbers went up,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, stopped, and then 
came down again, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

and this beautiful young lady came out.

(laughter)

And he told his son,
'son, go and get your mother'.

That's an old joke, but very funny. Why
do you always want to improve people?

Can't you love them for who they are?

That's the terrible thing about 
improving everybody, improving yourself.

Can't you appreciate what you have?
We have a huge amount, and your

partner in life is gorgeous.
Can't you just appreciate them?

And what's it like to be 
appreciated by someone else?

Someone else loves you for who you are, 
and they don't want to improve you.

Isn't that brilliant?

And how many people do you know,

you see them, they're always giving
you advice on how to do things better.

Doesn't that suck after a while?
Can't you just be appreciated and loved?

Be careful of that word, improving, .

because that just causes so much
stress in life

So yeah, I think you can be a bit more 
passive, and don't make too many changes.

You've already spent your whole life
making changes,

and is life ever finished that way?

There's always more changes to do.

My saying is, I better finish off
quick because it's 9 o'clock,

when you go home this evening,

don't try and improve your kitchen
by washing up

every dish and cup and knife
and fork and spoon.

Before you do all that washing up, please 
count how many clean dishes there are,

how many dirty dishes there are,

and if the clean ones outnumber
the dirty ones, quit while you're ahead.

(laughter)

Otherwise, what happens, you spend all
your weekends, all your holidays,

doing things and never appreciating
and enjoying life.

Always trying to change the people you 
live with, rather than appreciating them.

Always changing yourself rather 
than appreciating yourself.

Trying to change your kids rather
than loving them,

and I'll tell you the secret,

if you just appreciate your kids and love 
them for who they are, they get better.

If you appreciate yourself and love 
yourself as you are, then you improve.

When you try and change,
often things get worse.

When you love things for who they are,

it's like the sun shining in the garden,
and then the flowers grow.

Okay, there we go.
So, thank you again

for coming to the first talk of 2014.

So now we can,
I've already gone way over time,

so now we can pay respects to the Buddha,
Dhamma, Sangha.

And those of you who have any 
questions, you can line up here,

and I will go to the toilet
if it's too long.

But please, no one come and ask me,
they always do this when I tell

that story about the cave.

Don't come and say, Ajahn Brahm, 
what country do you come from?

What does your father do?
What does your mother do?

So, if you're going to ask a question,

ask a sensible one.
Thank you very much.