Dare to rewire your brain for self-compassion | Weiyang Xie | TEDxUND

When Weiyang Xie first came to the United States as an international student, she was excited to pursue her dreams yet filled with overwhelming insecurity and anxiety. In her journey to become a psychologist, she dared to be vulnerable and face her fears and shame head-on. These have turned out to be Weiyang’s most helpful resources in overcoming challenges. In this talk, she will share her ingredients of self-compassion that can help audience members overcome shame in their own lives, empower them to take risks, and lead them to self-empowerment and authentic living. Weiyang Xie is a staff psychologist at the University Counseling Center at the University of Notre Dame.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm a psychologist
working in college counseling.

I work with clients
with mental health issues,

so in that sense, I'm considered
a mental health expert by many.

However, when I first came to the US
as an international student 10 years ago,

I was facing my own self-doubt
and various adjustment issues.

I wasn't ready to face all the different
norms and rules and expectations.

I felt lost.

My confidence was shaken.

I was struggling with anxiety issues.

These issues were carried over
to my professional life.

I remember my negative voice
was so loud at the time.

It sounded like this:

"You're not competent.

You're going to screw this up.

Your clients are going to hate you.

You'd better quit now."

(Exhales)

I remember the first client I saw
was someone with anxiety issues.

Ironically enough,

I was sitting in my therapist chair,
feeling overwhelmed by my own anxiety.

My face was as red as a tomato can go;

(Laughter)

my heart was pumping fast;

my hands were sweaty.

I was this close to running away
from that therapist chair

and from my own anxiety.

And the only reason
I didn't do it, honestly,

was because I knew I would get busted
by my trainee supervisor,

who was watching me in the next room.

(Laughter)

I felt I was trapped in my anxiety;

I could not reach my potential.

I wanted to know how this has happened.

I started to look closely into it.

I found, interestingly, it is something
that actually many of us share -

a universal and common human condition.

The predominant component of it

is shame:

the negative self-perception
and self-criticism we bring onto ourself,

with or without self-awareness.

"I'm not good enough."

"I don't deserve to have that."

"I'm less of who I want to be."

"I'm not likable."

"I'm going to die alone."

"I'm stupid and dumb."

You see, shame is more
than just the self-criticism;

shame is the underlying drive to it

and the root to many emotions
we experience:

fear, sadness, frustration,
anger, jealousy.

Shame is also the underlying drive

to many emotional and behavior
problems we experience:

low self-esteem, anxiety,
depression, suicide thoughts,

addiction, violence, and racism.

Shame's different from guilt.

While guilt is how we feel
about what we do -

for example, "I have done
something wrong" -

shame is how we feel about ourselves -

"I'm stupid; I'm dumb."

While guilt can sometimes
drive us to do the right things,

shame is almost always
self-destructive and debilitating.

In fact,

shame has now become
such an epidemic in our lives,

many of us are probably
familiar with this voice -

"not enough" -

right?

I see some of you nodding here.

We constantly beat ourself up
for not being smart enough,

not doing enough,

not making enough contributions

to our friends, our team,
and our community.

When we finally make it
to all these goals -

if we really can -

we start to struggle with not
taking care of ourself enough,

not attending to our
relationships and families.

It seems wherever we go,

we're followed by this voice.

We listen to it.

We constantly feel the need
to do more and more,

better and better.

Where's the end?

In this process, we get
stressed out and overwhelmed.

When neurobiological psychologists
dig into this underlying mechanism

of this phenomenon,

they find shame and self-criticism

can reduce our prefrontal cortex's
capacity to sustain attention

and inhibit our impulsive behaviors.

The impact of this is very similar
to the effect of sleep deprivation.

Imagine how you'd be feeling
if you are sleep-deprived.

Some of us are probably familiar
with that right now, right?

(Laughter)

The neurobiological pathway
resulting from a shaming environment

can further create a mental model

predisposing us to perceive this world
with despair and anxiety

and therefore leading
to various mental health issues.

So if you want to debilitate yourself,

just shame yourself.

If you want to debilitate others,

just shame them.

Now, imagine my eagerness
to get out my shame

after I realized what
it had been doing to my life.

I embarked on this journey
of de-shaming in the past 10 years.

I tried various tactics
to get rid of my shame.

I hid it from others.

I pretended it didn't exist.

I played along, avoiding triggers.

Well, none of this worked,
as you can imagine.

And then I beat myself up
for not being able to beat my shame,

and it turned out to be this perfect cycle
of self-blaming and shaming.

Sounds a little familiar, right?

So,

how has shame become such a persistent
and prevalent issue in our life?

It's time for us to look at our brain

and understand
how our self-talk is formed.

Every thinking pattern can be associated
with a certain neural pathway.

Neurons that fire together, wire together.

Think of your brain
as a giant electric network

made of millions of electric circuits.

Every time a thought passes,

it lights up a certain neural pathway.

The more you think this way,

the more strengthened
this neural pathway becomes.

Gradually, it becomes
a habitual way of thinking,

regardless of whether or not
the thought itself is rational.

So if you say, "I'm so stupid,"

you inadvertently
light up a neural pathway

that reinforces a shaming pattern.

And this neural pathway
will likely light up again next time,

when you are in a similar situation.

"I did it again; I must be stupid."

Soon enough, you will start
to speak a shaming language -

very fluently or even on autopilot.

Psychologists call this
"automatic thoughts."

So you will start to live
in a shaming world

filled with emotional distress
and negativity.

Sounds very depressing, right?

So how can we save ourself
from such a destiny?

The good news about our human brain

is its plasticity,

meaning neurons can rewire,

neural pathways can be reconstructed.

So let's say

if you tell yourself,

"I'm stupid.

My boss hates me.

I'm a loser."

Pay closer attention
to what you tell yourself

and put intentional effort
into challenging this shaming pattern.

Start compassionate self-talk.

You will start to generate

new neuron connections
and neural pathways.

"Oh, this has been hard on me.

It is difficult not to be able
to be understood by others.

I feel invalidated.

I feel hurt."

The more you engage
in this thinking pattern,

the stronger the new
neural connections will become.

Gradually,

the old neural connections will fade away

and you will start to speak
compassionate self-talk

to replace the old,
habitual way of thinking.

Research has revealed -

being compassionate to yourself

can increase your emotional resilience
and your psychological well-being.

Here's how this works:

people who are more
compassionate to themselves

are better at coping
with negative emotions

and less likely to ruminate
on their negative thoughts

and therefore having a lower level
of depression and anxiety.

Being compassionate to yourself can also
reduce your stress hormone, cortisol,

and increase your heart rate variability,

which indicates people
are more relaxed, calmer, and safer.

They're more open and flexible
to respond to changes in their life.

So you must be wondering right now -

how can I practice
this compassionate self-talk?

Okay, here's a start.

Are you ready?

Okay.

Let's say goodbye to all the old grammar:

"I am negative.

I'm not enough.

I don't deserve this.

I'm less of who I want to be.

I'm stupid. I'm dumb."

I can go on and on,

but you have heard me say
enough of that this afternoon.

Keep a mental journal throughout your day

and count how many of those sentences
you actually say to yourself.

You would be surprised.

Start to challenge
those automatic thoughts:

"Am I 100% sure those thoughts are true?

Or am I just saying this out of habit?"

If you're not 100% percent sure,

even only 1% doubt,

question them.

Don't let them pass.

Stop being harsh on yourself:

"I can't do this;
I shouldn't have done that."

You mean well;

you mean to motivate yourself.

However, this tone can only
impact your self-esteem negatively.

So how about we try
a different set of tone?

"I will.

I would like.

I hope.

I would like to do this."

It still gets the job done, but imagine
how you would feel differently.

Let's practice compassionate acceptance

of being imperfect
and therefore being human.

It's inevitable to make mistakes
and reach our limits.

Having flaws simply means
you're normal, right?

Right? Here's where
you're supposed to say "yes"

even if you don't think
it applies to you personally.

(Laughter)

So, I have a confession to make:

I was pretty stressed out
and anxious at one point

when I was preparing for this talk.

You know, those "what ifs,"
"not enough" voice:

"What if you forget
what you're going to say?"

"What if you drag this so long
they have to kick you off the stage -

(Laughter)

in a kind way?"

So I kept doing more and more.

I want this to be better and better.

I want this to be perfect.

And then I was, "Wait a moment.

You are giving a talk
about being imperfect

while you're striving for being perfect?

How's that going to work?

Of course you're stressed out."

So I ask myself,

"Okay, what can I do with it?"

I start to back paddle in my thoughts:

"Okay, not too late yet.

Scratch what I said;
scratch those 'what-ifs.'"

Imagine there's a neural pathway
that actually gets unwired here;

there's a new one coming here.

What can my compassionate brain tell me?

"It is okay.

You will make mistakes.

Expect it, and be okay.

You will feel emotions
because you're human;

you don't want to be a robot."

Well, I actually felt more relieved -

still a bit nervous -

but more relieved
after giving myself this break

and probably saved myself
from a potential panic attack.

Let's cultivate an open
and curious mindset

instead of a closed
and judgmental mindset.

How many times have you
heard yourself saying this:

"What's wrong with me?
Can't get this right."

How about we try this:

"Hmm, I wonder why I'm having
this challenge right now?

This is an interesting puzzle
to be solved."

If you have trouble accessing
your compassionate self-talk,

here's a trick to it:

ask yourself what would you say
to your family or your friend

or who you care about

when you see them suffering or struggling.

Give the loving-kindness
you give to them for yourself.

We certainly don't need double standards
in our relationships, right?

So this is a shortcut to access
your compassionate neural pathway.

This is a process that takes
ongoing practice and repetition.

This is like learning
a new language to many of us.

We wouldn't know
how to speak a new language

just by simply acknowledging
it exists, right?

We need ongoing practice.

So let's start to pay attention
to what you tell yourself

because whatever
you are saying to yourself,

you are listening.

Thank you.

(Applause)